- August 1, 2019
- Psychology of Personality
- Ekaterina Gordeeva
Sometimes you hear from relatives and close friends: “Stop beating yourself up.” It's easy to say. But what to do when all sorts of different thoughts about the future pop into your head, and they are far from joyful?
There is a category of people who take everything to heart. Such individuals tend to worry about everything. They take many things too seriously. Therefore, they are often told: “Don’t push yourself.” So, how can you avoid this “overthinking”? This and much more is written in the article.
Why is this happening?
Sometimes in a specific situation a person begins to panic. “Stop it, don’t screw it up!” - you beg yourself, but it’s of little use. The thoughts become even more overwhelming. Why is this happening?
From ignorance of the future in the first place. The second point is excitement. And the third is fear, inherent in every person.
Let's give an example. The child is studying at the institute. He should have been home a long time ago. But I still haven't arrived. Doesn't answer calls. What thoughts come into parents' heads? The worst. I want to drop everything and run in search of my son. It’s dark outside, the child doesn’t know where he is. And it doesn’t occur to the mother that the phone could be dead, and the child was delayed at the institute. She is visited by terrible thoughts: something happened, she got into an accident or was hit by a car.
But in fact, an over-aged child went on a spree with his classmates. Mom got nervous, working herself up to the fullest. Why did she cultivate terrible thoughts? Out of worry for your child. Perhaps the example given is not the best. Any mother will worry when she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her child.
Be wise
In order for your life to become much better and to stop worrying and inflating emotions, you need to treat it correctly and be wise.
There are wise, well-known guidelines. And there is no need to treat them with disdain. They really help a lot.
A correct worldview seems to calm the ego psyche, puts it in its place, and we actually begin to worry less. Thanks to them, our soul seems to wake up and spread its wings. You probably felt this yourself when you unconsciously followed these guidelines, when you had a so-called uplift in spirit, all the negativity went away, and your vital energy increased. At such moments, you just want to enjoy life, create, do the right, non-selfish actions.
This happens because the soul, where beautiful feelings reside, has suppressed and eclipsed the egoistic whims of the ego.
The ego, having subsided, stops generating negative emotions, we stop beating ourselves up. The energy that was previously spent on bad emotions is freed, and now it can be directed to the right actions. Consciousness is cleared, we begin to think soberly. You see how everything is interconnected. Do you get the point?
These are the settings:
A happy person is not the one who only has good events in his life, but the one who has the right attitude towards everything that happens to him.
Accept any event in your life calmly and with dignity. If trouble or trouble happens, then it’s necessary. Such is fate. This means life wants to show you something, teach you.
Everything in life cannot be good; there will be difficulties and failures.
Difficulties build character and make you stronger.
After a black streak in life there will definitely be a white one. If you do not accept difficult times in your life and get upset, then the bad streak will last longer.
Also accept any feeling within yourself, even if they are unpleasant. Don't be afraid of your fears. Learn to look at them without running away from them.
And other wise attitudes that I often talk about on this blog.
But for some reason everyone knows these sayings, but as soon as problems fall on a person, he forgets about them and again makes mistakes for which he has to pay.
The thing is that a person usually has them simply in his mind. But you just need to feel them, understand the deep meaning. Only then will they remain in the subconscious and at a difficult moment they will come out of there and save the situation.
To do this, close your eyes and slowly speak these settings. Feel them with your soul, understand the inner meaning.
Well, in order to finally get rid of the wounded experiences, you need to learn to control them. What are we going to do now?
Example
This example from the category of “don’t cheat” is more understandable than the previous one.
My husband is late from work. And the wife sits and thinks that he is with his mistress. Why such a thought? From self-doubt. The wife is afraid of losing her soul mate, and she lacks confidence. So she begins to think that her dear husband has found a replacement for her.
Then he comes home, his wife starts a scandal. The psyche cannot withstand the excitement, it is necessary to discharge. Let off steam on the object that caused her this suffering.
What's the point? She came up with it herself, got offended, and then yelled at her husband. Isn't it easier to fight your own suspiciousness? How?! More on this below.
How suspiciousness is dangerous for a person
Constant fears and worries for oneself and loved ones, often arising without reason - this is what suspiciousness is. People prone to it are afraid of making the wrong choice, do not trust others, and invent problems. They are often said about them: “They make mountains out of molehills.”
Suspicion is an excellent breeding ground for the development of various disorders:
- anxiety – a strong feeling that something bad will happen;
- hypochondria - a constant search for illnesses in oneself, the feeling that one is terminally ill;
- low self-esteem - lack of self-confidence;
- phobias – uncontrollable and irrational fear;
- paranoia – development of crazy ideas, excessive suspicion, jealousy.
Constant fears, as I already mentioned, are a feature of the psyche, so it is very difficult to completely eradicate it. But, thanks to the works of psychologists, you can apply some practices to learn how to manage this condition and make your life easier.
help yourself
What does it mean to “twist yourself”? This means inventing something for yourself that does not exist. People work themselves up out of excitement, fear and suspiciousness. And others - out of resentment.
Surely everyone is familiar with the situation: there is, for example, a person in a team. Good to everyone, but terribly touchy. If you tell him something about work, expect trouble. He will immediately get upset and say that he is not appreciated, it’s time to retire (or quit, depending on his age). And then he goes around sulking all day.
What to do if you recognize yourself in such a person? Try to understand that the problem is not with the people around us. They don’t really have anything against us, and they make kind comments. It's better to have a colleague make a remark about work than a boss. The latter will not stand on ceremony, he will call you “on the carpet” and go ahead.
Listen to what your colleagues say. And don’t blame them, it’s better to watch yourself carefully. Perhaps the work was done carelessly? According to the “bugger-bugger” principle? It is not surprising that colleagues made a remark.
In general, be attentive to yourself. Watch your actions and actions.
Working with the elements
Fire, water, air and earth also help fight stress. Planting and watering flowers and plants, frying something over a fire (of course, not in urban conditions) or lighting aromatic candles, taking a bath - all these are effective methods of combating the blues.
“Russian blues”: 8 mental disorders common in Russia
Depressing thoughts
How to stop giving yourself bad thoughts? Sit down and think about what I can change in a specific situation.
Let's return to the described situation with the husband and mistress. Let's say that the spouse holds a leadership position. He has a secretary. If you really can’t wait, call him at work and ask to speak with him. If your husband left the workplace, you will know. As well as about an unscheduled meeting.
The husband left the office, but he is not home yet, and the phone is not answering. The device could be discharged, or the other half turned it off. There may be traffic jams on the roads, look at how congested the road is on which your spouse always goes home.
There are no traffic jams. He's definitely with his mistress! Not at all, I went to the store and decided to buy something tasty for dinner.
Think this way instead of being nervous.
Leave yourself reminders
Let's not deceive ourselves: it won't be easy to stop beating yourself up, since getting rid of ingrained habits requires special efforts. Your brain will continue to work in its usual mode unless it is configured differently. In this case, reminder notes are a great way to change your habits.
Set reminders on your computer or leave notes at home and at work with motivating phrases, for example, “Here and now!”, “What are you thinking about?” or “Watch.” Repetition is the mother of learning.
Get busy
How to stop worrying and stressing yourself out? The best way to distract yourself from bad thoughts is work.
And housework falls under the same theme. If you are waiting for your spouse to get home from work, but he is late, start cleaning up your apartment. Here you need to brush off the dust, but over there there is dirt on the floor. By the time you clean up, your husband will arrive home safely.
What do psychologists say?
How to stop beating yourself up? The advice from psychologists is the same - you need to distract yourself.
We've sorted out the first two options for how to get distracted. What else is included here?
- Walk. Psychologists say that 20 minutes in the fresh air helps to collect “thoughts in a heap.” That is, switch from negative thoughts to positive ones.
- Music. Turn on your favorite music and lose yourself in it.
- Phone conversation. Call your mother, relatives or friend with whom you communicate most often. Casual conversation is a great way to combat bad thoughts.
- Reading. A book is the best interlocutor. Pick up your favorite book and immerse yourself in reading.
- Sport. In order to do it, you don’t have to go to the gym. You need to get rid of your thoughts here and now. So start doing physical exercises. Turn on some upbeat music and go ahead.
- Do some digging within yourself. It is easier to follow the call “don’t beat yourself up” when a person understands the reasons for mental negativity. What makes you think about bad things? Fear of a particular situation, lack of self-confidence, anxiety - try to find the root of the problem. Then it’s easier to deal with it.
How to stop beating yourself up out of habit
the methods described , a person “slides” into negativity out of habit when circumstances get out of control. Return to the present moment, practice mindfulness, feel the body, the taste of food, the pen, the computer keys. reminding that it’s not about what happened, but about the arguments.
Those around you may not act as fear dictates; there are several options for exit.
The reasons for a negative past do not apply to all people and situations. Experience binds you to people, causes pain, and inhibits personal development.
Switch your attention: draw, look at a flower, clean, sing, go dancing, find hobbies. Update your wardrobe, declutter your shelves, watch a comedy. Monitor your internal dialogue throughout the day, control your thoughts, replacing them with the necessary statements. Replace the habit of guessing in your head with conversation or action.
The most important tip
Many people tend to imagine the outcome of a certain situation. And for some reason he is seen in a negative way. Bad thoughts creep into the head when a person begins to replay possible events in his head. As a result, this leads to a depressed state and the inability to overcome your bad thoughts.
Stop! This way we will not be able to overcome despondency. We will become even more ossified in this state. So let's solve problems as they arise. This is much more effective than overthinking yourself.
Watch
Did you know that mindless rumination and being caught up in negative thoughts is a major cause of anxiety disorder and depression? (Which, in turn, are the most common mental disorders)
Observe your thoughts and try to understand what exactly you are distracted by, and then return your focus to your work, breathing or sensations in general. Note that this is the exact opposite of trying to suppress your thoughts.
If you believe in God
For those who consider themselves Christians, there is separate advice. You begin to mentally say: “Don’t beat yourself up! Pray.” If possible, stand in front of your home iconostasis and ask God for help. Ask him to help drive away bad thoughts.
A little consolation for each of us: we all walk under God. Everything is according to His will. God wants to save every person. And he leads him to salvation in a certain way. Therefore, when you are scared, it seems that everything in life is falling apart, and there is emptiness and darkness ahead, remember this. Everything is according to the will of God. God will not allow more than we need.
Features of winding
On the one hand, it's fun and interesting. But twisted fantasies have a negative connotation. Unfortunately, few people come up with something positive for themselves, and therefore mental problems arise and illnesses appear.
The brain functions in such a way that if there is a lack or absence of information on a certain matter, it independently draws and completes the picture of the situation.
This phenomenon occurs instinctively. A person feels completely safe only when he understands, sees, and is aware of the overall picture of what is happening. Otherwise, timely completion is important. So it appears in the form of a negative. While completing the overall picture, a person overwhelms himself, at the same time becomes depressed and physically exhausted. In fact, there is no reason for deep emotional experiences and anxieties.
Trip to nature
Another very pleasant way to distract yourself from bad thoughts is to connect with nature. Go to the forest or lake this coming weekend. And if you have tents, a fire, songs with a guitar and camp porridge - this is an ideal option.
Do you remember going hiking in your youth? And mosquitoes, rain, and snow did not bother us. They took backpacks, taller than themselves, dressed warmer and walked. There were no cell phones, and we weren’t afraid of anything; we spent the night in the forest. A larger group will gather, jokes and laughter, singing with a guitar near the fire. It was a golden time!
Now everyone has grown up, everyone has their own things to do. But why not remember your youth? And don't go camping with your family. At least for two days. And you will be distracted from bad thoughts, and the children will be happy.
Don't try to be perfect
Some people believe that being a perfectionist is a good thing. This is wrong. In fact, perfectionists have higher levels of anxiety and lower quality of life. The inability to let go, constant self-doubt, comparing yourself to others, unrealistic expectations and the need to control everything are just some of the few reasons why life is more difficult for perfectionists. If you are a perfectionist, try to pay more attention to the process itself rather than the end result.
Live one day at a time
We left work in the evening, and there were a lot of thoughts in my head. The report was not completed, it will come from the boss. And the letter was not sent to an important supplier, and a hundred more mistakes were made. We begin to think about how embarrassing we will be in front of our boss tomorrow. And about how much needs to be done tomorrow. What if we don't make it in time? What if we do something wrong? What if this is it? What if this is it?
Let's leave the "if". Is here and now. Live today, now. Look around, the world is beautiful. Take a deep breath of fresh air and smile. Everything is fine, you have this evening, this hour, this minute. Live it, and tomorrow you will think about what to do. Remember? We solve problems as they arise. Let's enjoy today's moment.
Tip 8. Set an acceptable level of anxiety
To control excitement and anxiety, you need to mentally set a “limiter” on your emotions. Just assess the situation and determine the acceptable level of anxiety that should not be exceeded.
As you can see, Dale Carnegie's recommendations are quite simple and easily applicable in everyday life. The main thing to do is to firmly decide to change your thinking. You can also study the nature of stress and master relaxation techniques - look at the instructions in the free online course “Stress Management”.
