“Unloved” - people cope with this sad “diagnosis” in different ways. Some stubbornly conquer the one they like so much, others humbly wait and hope for a miracle of reciprocity, others agree to the most humiliating conditions simply for the sake of being in a relationship with their object of adoration. For those who operate in one of these scenarios, but want to throw off the burden of unrequited love, psychotherapist, psychiatrist Aina Gromova tells you how to achieve what you want.
Why does it become necessary to forget a loved one?
There are a lot of situations when relationships crack or are completely impossible. The most common is separation from a loved one, which occurred on his initiative. The girl still experiences affection and tender feelings, but they are mixed with the bitter taste of betrayal.
Day after day she suffers, cries into her pillow, cannot work normally, and stops taking care of herself. Depression can also end in suicide, and cutting a young person out of your life and your heart becomes the only way out.
Of course, there are other cases - for example, you fall in love with a guy who completely ignores you or makes it clear that a relationship is impossible. It would seem that since there was no mutual sympathy, the situation is not so terrible. But it’s impossible to build a relationship, there’s a residue in your soul, and there’s no chance of moving on.
In the most tragic situations, there is a need to overcome pain after the death of a loved one, and this will not necessarily be a man, perhaps another close relative. The bitterness of loss sometimes becomes unbearable, but if there are people nearby who are ready to support, it becomes easier to worry.
Sometimes there are no close people left, they cannot understand you or are too far away.
About the benefits of communication
After separation, people become withdrawn, communicate with few people, and one day they realize that they have neither friends nor comrades. Give yourself an ultimatum: either you withdraw into yourself and study, sitting in the back desk alone, or start communicating with at least someone. Either you don't talk to colleagues, don't take part in corporate events, or you take a step forward. Even if your social skills have always suffered, you must overcome yourself.
Make friends. Don't forget: you need to smile in a team. Don't show your sadness! Firstly, you definitely won’t make friends this way, and secondly, it won’t be useful even for yourself.
Is it possible to forget the person you love?
How to quickly forget the person you love?
It would seem that this problem is insoluble. It is impossible to forget a loved one - and this is the complete truth. But no one calls for completely throwing all thoughts about your chosen one out of your head. It is enough to just live your life without devoting yourself to falling in love.
The main healer is time. If you spend it richly and happily, stupid thoughts will not haunt you.
Find the positive aspects of the breakup - don't you want this person to be happy? So let him live his own way if he feels great. Perhaps separation is only a test and test for you, which you need to pass with dignity: you should not bury yourself.
The main thing at this time is to take care of yourself, stop eating tons of sweets and drinking alcohol. Do not pursue your loved one and do not ruin his life: an enemy in the person of a loved one excludes any further relationship with him.
In this way, you can ease the pain of loss, start a new life, and even if you remember your former chosen one, this will happen less and less, until one day a new love takes a piece of your heart.
This is interesting! Scientists have come to the conclusion that to truly find happiness, an ordinary person needs to fall in love with 7 different partners. The path to a family home will not be easy, so separations are inevitable.
It's time to slow down!
- Only go on social media to interact with positive people.
- Set yourself a time limit for staying online – no more than 10-15 minutes. This time is barely enough for friends’ feeds, so it won’t reach your lover.
- Refrain from Facebook and VKontakte completely. If self-control is not enough and you admire his photos every day, then you should stop torturing yourself and temporarily give up social life on the Internet. It's time to go out into the real world!
How to forget a loved one: three simple steps
The problem of forgetting is acute for girls who have lost their love. There can be many reasons for separation, but in all situations you should not indulge yourself with illusions and hopes; follow three simple steps that will allow you to enjoy life again in a short time:
- Give up negative emotions. A violent outburst will help relieve tension: many ladies need to cry into their vests, some prefer to smash dishes, while others simply scream. Extreme activities will also help: skydiving or bungee jumping, visiting a karting club, diving. You can throw out negativity in the forest, in nature - wherever you like. Don’t lock your soul away, give free rein to your feelings, but on one condition: you will suffer for a couple of days, and then call it a day.
- How to forget the person you are attracted to? Remove all things that remind you of your loved one; it is better to lock photographs and gifts in the closet. If the apartment where you live has many pleasant memories associated with it, it is better to temporarily move in with your parents or into a rented house. A change of scenery will help you get over the breakup. If your financial situation allows, you should go on a trip or visit distant relatives. Did you want to improve your health? Head to sunny resorts with a healthy climate. The main thing is to exclude all details that are associated with the young man.
- Occupy your time with positivity. New hobbies are great for coping with a breakup. Let it be an unusual hobby that you have dreamed of since childhood, but were afraid to take up. Find school friends or admirers from your student years, remember how good your life was before you met your loved one. Devote more time to yourself: a new image, visits to beauty salons and fashion clubs have not yet been canceled. Update your wardrobe, and if you previously led the life of a housewife, then by all means get a job, taking up your free time.
This is interesting! Ancient healers developed their own way to forget love and find a new chosen one: using sacred herbs. You need to mix marjoram, basil, mint, meadowsweet, thyme, make an infusion of them and drink it. If you believe the legends, the remedy will allow you to attract new happiness and truly “your” person.
Love comes and goes...
These words may be difficult to process and may even seem insensitive.
Leaving a relationship is always difficult, even if you are the one who initiated the end. But it's important to recognize that life goes on and that the pain you feel is a natural part of human grief and the healing process.
Each person needs a different length of time to cope with strong emotions. Be respectful of the time it may take for you to make this emotional change.
Although healing is highly individual, some studies estimate that it may take up to 11 weeks for you to feel completely free of the powerful emotions associated with your affair.
Even the most tender and sincere relationships can end because human feelings are fickle and cannot always be explained rationally. When people are in love or blinded by passion, they are uncritical of emerging everyday problems, differences in upbringing, perception of life, and shortcomings of their partner.
It is impossible to build something lasting and lasting on feelings alone, which means you need to be prepared for the fact that they will end sooner or later. Various studies “give” passion from three to eight years. It should be replaced by mutual respect, cooperation, and spiritual closeness.
But no one is immune from the fact that one of the partners will not develop new feelings for another person, or he will not begin to feel discomfort in the existing relationship. It’s easier for the one who first fell out of love or the first to decide to break up.
How can one forget a former loved one who was not ready for such a development of events, whose feelings are still alive, because it is impossible to simultaneously fall out of love with the wave of a magic wand. The first and most important step that needs to be taken is to recognize the right of everyone to make their own choice and make their own decisions.
It is impossible to keep a person near you by appealing to his promises, past confessions and sense of duty.
And the common expression “fighting for love” has nothing to do with putting pressure on a partner. It is rather a call to express one’s own feelings, so that a person understands that he is loved. But he will decide how important it is for him.
Incident
What incident are we talking about? Most likely, this was a correspondence between you, or a live conversation.
If it was something else, adapt what was written to suit you.
You should open the file in Word (or open notepad) and describe the incident from beginning to end.
If the incident was a correspondence on WhatsApp, for example, then this is ideal. Simply break your messages down into bullet points and write point by point on an unnumbered list.
For example:
- I asked him this and that, and he answered me...
- I had such and such a reaction...
- Then the conversation went like this...
- And then I realized that BOOM
- And I concluded...
Pretend you're writing this or telling it to your best friend.
If you and a man had a meeting at which realization came, retell what happened. Write down his lines, your lines. Add your interpretation of his remarks. Whether the interpretation is correct or not is irrelevant. Any interpretation is mental material that needs to be processed.
If you do everything right, you'll probably start to have a flood of emotions because the situation is charged. Don’t memorize emotions, write them down immediately, interrupting your narration for a while.
Let's say you can write:
- It hurt me when he told me that...
- I felt pain from the realization that this was the end, and I would not see him again...
- When he wrote this to me, I felt offended because...
Depending on the severity and duration of the incident, this may take you up to 2 A4 pages. The more detailed you write it, the better.
Unpromising relationship
Basic myths
- One of the main misconceptions of people is the statement that time heals. Just as it is impossible to skip over the important stages of grief, it is also impossible not to be sad in the depths of your soul about the loss of a once loved one.
This is another reason not to carry out dubious experiments on yourself when you get involved in a relationship without a future. But time teaches everyone to overcome pain and store it in the deep storehouses of the soul, allowing a person to live and realize his needs. Even when close relatives pass away, the acute pain dulls and fades into the background after a period of six months to a year.
- The second misconception is that a wedge can only be knocked out with a wedge, which means that it is necessary to rush into a new relationship as quickly as possible.
- Firstly, it is not fair to the partner, who acts as a kind of pill and does not deserve to be used just because someone is going through mental suffering.
- And secondly, this is dishonest to oneself: without going through all the stages of grief, without making the necessary conclusions about the reasons for the separation, a person will constantly step on the same rake, again solving the problem of how to get the person out of his head.
Understanding the cause
First of all, you need to understand why you continue to think about the person. Perhaps you are bothered by something he recently said, or you may have warm feelings for him. It is important to understand the reasons. This will make it much easier to get the man or woman out of your head.
You've probably noticed that as soon as you understand the reasons for your emotions, they begin to fade away. It becomes easier to think, objectivity appears. Accordingly, this step will help you normalize your condition and return to reality.
Ask yourself the question: “Why do I constantly think about him (her), what contributes to this?” Think about it. This may take several minutes, hours or even days. Don't rush yourself. Try to look at this situation from all sides to understand yourself 100%.
Who is guilty?
The destruction of a relationship is always the responsibility of two. People were unable or unwilling to overcome difficulties and misunderstandings. Resentment is a child’s reaction to failed expectations, but the partner cannot be held responsible for the fact that he did not fully meet other people’s expectations.
When falling in love passes and the rose-colored glasses fall off, everyone is free to decide whether they are on the same path with this person or not. The inability to accept him as he is is not love, but human selfishness and personal ambitions.
The partner always has a choice: stay or leave. Staying means accepting a person with all his shortcomings.
During a romantic relationship, anyone tries to look better than they really are, so you need to be more attentive to those moments of how a person behaves with other people. If he leaves a previous relationship behaving in an unworthy manner, we can predict what will happen when his feelings for his new passion cool down.
To overcome grievances, one should not stir up the past; the main motto should be the slogan “Do not remember.” The first step towards this is refusing to look for someone to blame for the destruction of the relationship.
What to do if feelings have cooled down, but he still can’t get out of his head
One of two things: either not enough time has passed, or the feelings still haven’t cooled down. Try to figure it out: do you want this relationship back? If yes, then you haven’t gotten over the breakup yet, and it’s normal to think about the person. If not, you might have something to say. There is some incompleteness left, and it needs to be sorted out. Visit our dating rating and start a new life.
If you're wondering why you can't forget the guy you liked, be more careful with the context in which he pops up in your thoughts. Find the reason why you are thinking about him and deal with that reason. Give yourself a little more time, meet with him, write and ask about what worries you - just resolve this situation.
How to forget a man?
Favorite activities
Memories overwhelm us when there are pauses in our activities. The best thing is to switch to work, a hobby or further education. The main condition is that the work is loved and requires dedication.
At such moments, psychologists advise concentrating on yourself. The main task is to be distracted: by hobbies, work, friends for whom you had little time during the relationship. The less free time remains, the less often thoughts of unrequited love appear.
Physical education, fitness, and yoga classes help a lot. In addition, they have a beneficial effect on health and appearance.
The day must be planned so that there is no time left for idle pastime. If you have a vacation coming up that can't be rescheduled, it's best to go on a trip. New impressions excite the brain and evoke positive emotions, which are so necessary when you have to find for yourself the answer to the question of how to get a person out of your head.
Music is very helpful and has a therapeutic effect. You should definitely plan concerts of your favorite bands, make videos for their best songs, and discuss the released new album on the forum.
All this is possible if the main condition is met - getting rid of the hope of a phone call, a change of decision or the mood of a loved one. This may happen, but let it be a surprise when life shows how much partners can do without each other. And then the decision will be made by the one who was left behind.
In the meantime, you should delete the correspondence and stop looking for answers to today’s questions in past words.
Friends
At the first stage, it may be difficult for a person to simply get out of bed and leave the house. I want to be alone and cry. This is fine. Otherwise, how can you forget the person you love? Psychology describes cases when the process is delayed and people lose control of the situation.
At these moments, the help of friends is needed and you should turn to them. They are not only able to listen and support a friend, but also help organize leisure time without leaving unnecessary free time.
True friends will not make decisions for a person, giving this or that advice, but will focus on increasing self-esteem, which suffers in the first place.
Pleasure yourself
This also includes the hobbies mentioned above. You can devote more time to hobbies or find several new ones. You need to sit down and think about what you wanted to do for a long time, for what reasons you didn’t do it.
Maybe you'll be inspired by that trip you've been dreaming about or buying a new bike. You can treat yourself to some tasty delicacy, but try not to “eat” stress.
Lessons Learned
In order to understand what a negative experience has taught you, you need to put aside grievances and look at the facts objectively. If you are unrequitedly in love with your ex-partner, then you need to understand that during the relationship both parties managed to hurt each other, but you did not see some of your grievances or did not consider them important.
Try to analyze not the mistakes of others, but your behavior towards the object of love.
Accept reality
If a person does not want to be together for some reason, there is no need to ask him to communicate, demand attention or pester him with confessions. It is important to realize the main thing - he does not love you and does not want to be with you, you need to respect his opinion.
What to do after writing?
You can write 2 pages, or you can write 10. The work is considered finished when you realize that you have nothing more to write. If you stopped at 2-3 pages and want more, then you still shouldn’t force false emotions out of yourself.
I would like to note that after writing you should re-read your thoughts. Under no circumstances try to redo anything. At such moments, you can take a piece of paper with written emotions and burn it. We do not recommend writing text on a computer and then printing it out. It’s better to write it with a pen and your own hand.
How to let go of the man you love
First, it makes sense to meet with your lover and discuss all the details of the upcoming breakup. If a loved one leaves for a new love, then the wisest decision would be to wish him happiness and say goodbye.
In theory, of course, it looks very easy. But in reality everything turns out to be quite difficult. The only thing that needs to be done at the initial stage is to distract yourself from thoughts related to the separation.
A mutual decision to break up is the best option. Passion and love faded away as the lovers slowly got to know each other. The desire to become the best for the beloved has disappeared. The relationship became routine and burdensome. Monotony and excessive speed are to blame for everything.
We need to try to remember all the good things that happened that brought them both joy.
If resuming the relationship is not possible, then the imminent decision to end the relationship will not cause anyone much pain, but it is necessary to maintain a respectful attitude and your dignity. Break up calmly, without hysterics or scandal, leaving behind good memories of yourself and your past relationships.
Go deeper into the reason
Once you have been able to determine the reason for the person being “stuck” in your head, you need to work out his image. At this stage, it is important to reduce your own emotional stress. Therefore, using a pen and paper, write down all your thoughts about the person. Then it will be easier to understand how to get a guy or girl out of your head.
If you don’t understand what thoughts you need to write about, we will explain. In principle, you can record anything you want. It is desirable that these are some kind of emotionally supported thoughts. For example, write that you still cannot forget that chance meeting at the station. Factual information about a person based on height or weight should not be written.
