The question that often arises is how to overcome the excellent student syndrome? 10 tips from a teenager, as well as useful recommendations from Umskul that will help get rid of the problem.
Nowadays, information has become very accessible. On the one hand, this is great: news is updated almost every minute, the Internet space is filled with experts and specialized courses, and the trend towards multitasking and self-realization has become not just fashionable, but has even re-qualified as one of the mandatory items when choosing an environment.
But all of this definitely has its significant downsides. We want to be perfect, accomplish a million a day, and forget to take care of our mental health. The achievement drive and the superman template eat us up from the inside, and sooner or later the information flow becomes so tiring that it leads to burnout.
And so you sit and stare at the wall, not knowing where to go or what to take on. There is no strength, but the habit of being cooler than everyone remains. How to get rid of the excellent student syndrome and understand that it’s normal to be imperfect 24/7?
Content:
- What is excellent student syndrome? Characteristic
- Main features
- "Failures made me happy"
How does he appear
The root of the problem should be sought first of all in self-doubt. This is a common trend among both teenagers and adults. It’s not for nothing that many say that it’s time to introduce a separate discipline at school “how to love and accept yourself.”
Why might this happen?
- complexes about appearance;
- lack of friends and inability to behave confidently in society;
- lack of attention from parents;
That is why a teenager gives himself a challenge: I will be the best, so that they will love, notice and not pay attention to flaws (often far-fetched).
What is excellent student syndrome?
Characteristic
The excellent student syndrome (or complex) is a psychological term. It refers to the psychological characteristics of a person, in which a person strives to achieve high results and earn the praise of others. That is, to do everything perfectly. A child expects such an assessment from parents and teachers, an adult - from loved ones and superiors.
If there is a risk of getting a different grade, the “A” student refuses to do the work out of fear of failure and defeat.
Excellent student syndrome should not be confused with perfectionism. For perfectionists, the ideal result of work is important, for “excellent” students, the assessment of this result by other people is important. Moreover, the work itself may not be completed perfectly. The main thing is to create the appearance of “ideality” for others.
Each of us, looking back, can note that we have made a huge number of different kinds of stupidity and mistakes. But they all had two reasons in common - our unbreakable will to win and our unshakable self-confidence. The A student syndrome made us believe that it was very important to cultivate these two qualities in ourselves. And even when failures haunt us, we stubbornly believe that the reason is that we lack faith in ourselves. It takes many of us decades of failure to realize that failure is not based on a lack of self-confidence, but on... too much of it,
– Natalia Mishchenko,
former “excellent” student, writer, author of a series of books about the development and formation of personality.
Main features
The following manifestations are characteristic of excellent student syndrome:
- constant expectation of praise and approval from others;
- the desire to bring work to an ideal state;
- painful attitude towards criticism;
- fear of failure when doing any task, especially in which there is no experience;
- hyper-responsibility;
- jealousy of others' successes.
Is it worth treating the disease?
There is nothing wrong with a child or adult striving to achieve their goals and improve their life. It’s another matter when these aspirations develop into obsessive states and turn into pathology. This can undermine a person’s emotional health, causing serious mental disorders. In this case, you need to look for ways to get rid of the excellent student complex. Otherwise, the consequences can be destructive for the individual.
Causes of the syndrome
Excellent student syndrome develops in preschool childhood, and its first manifestations are noticeable already at school age.
There are 2 groups of reasons that provoke the development of this syndrome:
Parent errors:
Unfulfilled Expectations
“Since childhood, I dreamed of becoming a ballerina. But parents could not afford to pay for classes. Therefore, the dream remained a dream. But now I can send my daughter to ballet school. Let him study, reach heights and make my dream come true.”
Vanity
“My son should be better than other children. He must get straight A's and be the pride of the school. After all, in our family we are all academics and professors. The son should not be different from us.”
Ambition
“I want to be proud of my child in front of my friends and relatives. That’s why it’s so important for me that he pleases me with excellent grades and sporting achievements. Let everyone know what a wonderful mother I am.”
Excellent student syndrome in mom or dad
“I’m used to doing everything perfectly: from drawing up quarterly reports to cleaning the room. I want my child to be the same. I learned how to complete any task without a hitch. I will strive for this, even if I have to go into conflict with him.”
Stop overly controlling and limiting your child, while continuing to ensure his complete safety and harmonious development. Always know where he is at the moment and where he has been during the day, instantly contact if necessary and listen to what is happening around him using the “Where are my children” application.
Personality Features
“As a child, I was a timid, insecure boy. He remained that way throughout his adult life. I always think that I’m doing something wrong, I constantly double-check the work I’ve done, bringing it to perfection. I find it very unpleasant when comments are made, even if they are fair. I immediately want to cry and run away somewhere.”
Strengths and weaknesses of "excellent students"
Excellent student syndrome can either help or hinder a person’s full life.
Let's first talk about the advantages of striving to “do everything perfectly”:
Responsible attitude
“Excellent students” rarely miss deadlines, take sick days, or are late for work. For them, it is a priority to take any activity seriously.
Pedantry and thoroughness
Those who will not miss the slightest mistake are people with excellent student syndrome. You can trust them with any painstaking work.
Good reputation
You can always rely on an “excellent student” and be sure that he will not let you down.
Determination
“Only forward, only to victory!” - this is the motto of “excellent students” and “excellent students.” But only on condition that they have enough knowledge, skills and abilities to do so. Otherwise, people develop a fear of failure and refuse to complete the task.
The weaknesses of people with excellent student syndrome include:
Painful attitude towards criticism
When an “excellent student” is reprimanded, it’s as if his world is collapsing. He doesn’t even listen to them, but immediately begins to engage in mental self-deprecation: “I knew that I would do everything badly! Now everyone will think how worthless and inept I am!”
Low self-esteem
Also, such people tend to belittle their own successes and think about themselves in a negative way.
Dependence on the opinions of others
An “excellent student” can never independently assess the quality of his own work; he needs confirmation from other people.
Constant anxiety
“Did I fill out the report correctly? Did you make a mistake? Here, it seems, in the last column...” – such thoughts torment the “excellent student” day and night, leading to a state of panic.
How to identify this syndrome in children and adults?
identify excellent student syndrome in a child by the following manifestations:
- He is very worried about any grade below an A.
- Easily sacrifices entertainment and socializing with friends in order to do homework or study for a test.
- Strives for high grades and praise from the teacher.
- He is sensitive to the successes of other children and begins to speak negatively about them.
- Refuses to complete tasks if there is a risk of falling into a situation of failure.
In an adult, an excellent student complex is noticeable by the following signs:
- Takes on extra work on weekends, makes reports for sick employees in order to earn the approval of superiors. At the same time sacrificing personal life and free time.
- He tries to bring any task to perfection, be it cleaning an apartment or drawing up a project.
- Gets upset over the slightest mistake or failure.
Losing is much more useful and interesting than winning. Not being an “excellent student” is a serious skill that will come in handy in life. Because victories are a byproduct of the experience we gain from mistakes and defeats. Successes, in principle, only confirm what we already know and can do. Mistakes, defeats, losses contain a huge potential for new knowledge, skills and self-understanding. It is important to learn to use your losses as steps towards accepting and understanding yourself,
– Natalia Mishchenko,
former “excellent” student, writer, author of a series of books about the development and formation of personality.
Forecast for the future
An excellent student at school gradually develops into an excellent student. In the new team he meets people who also study well, but for them the highest grade is not an end in itself. Our excellent student senses serious danger. He will work incredibly hard to achieve success, defend his Ph.D. thesis, and will continue to be held up as an example to everyone. Then from an excellent student he will turn into a perfectionist: his every step and word must be verified to the smallest detail. And so the perfectionist goes to work. Woe to his colleagues who did something at the wrong time or not in full. However, it is the failures of others that will give him pleasure.
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If such a person is able to climb the career ladder and finds himself in the status of a manager, the staff of his subordinates will change regularly, because it is difficult to match the level of a perfectionist boss. He stays at work late, he doesn’t have days off, and he continues to work on vacation. He will demand the same from his subordinates. Employees who are not ready to work in such conditions will look for a new job, because even the highest salary and prestigious position will not force an ordinary person to work to their detriment.
What is its danger?
It would seem, how could this syndrome be dangerous? An “excellent student” takes a responsible approach to each task, strives to complete it in the best possible way and earn approval for his work.
But this is only at first glance.
A person with excellent student syndrome is constantly in a state of emotional stress and anxiety. This adversely affects both his physical and mental health.
At the body level, “excellent students” experience the following problems:
- frequent colds;
- exhaustion, asthenia;
- psychosomatic phenomena (headaches, dizziness, high blood pressure and others);
- sleep disorder;
- gastrointestinal diseases.
At the mental level there are:
- emotional stress, nervous breakdown;
- the appearance of phobias and fears - fear of public speaking, fear of meeting new people;
- neuroses and depression.
As we see, excellent student syndrome is not as harmless as it seems. If you notice these manifestations in yourself or your child, be sure to seek help from a specialist.
How to help a child get rid of excellent student syndrome?
What parents should do to help their child:
Reduce demands on your child
Perhaps you are going too far, seeking from your son or daughter excellent grades in all subjects, perfect cleanliness in the room and first places in competitions and olympiads.
Be more interested in your child’s school life, in what is important to him, and not in the grades in the diary.
“Excellent students” among adults: advice from psychologists
The psychology of the excellent student syndrome is such that a person carries the desire to do everything perfectly and thereby earn praise and approval from childhood into adulthood. Only now he needs to get an “A” not from mom and dad, but from his husband or wife and boss.
More often this concerns females. A girl with excellent student syndrome strives to curry favor at work, to keep the house clean and tidy, and to become an ideal wife for her husband.
Naturally, it is extremely difficult to succeed in all areas of life. Therefore, a person sacrifices his rest and personal time to cook a pie according to a signature recipe or do an annual report in place of a sick employee.
Things continue to pile up, and the “excellent” student finds himself in a vicious circle of stress and anxiety.
So is it possible to fight excellent student syndrome in adults? Can. But only if the person himself realizes the need to change the current situation. Otherwise, he will continue to live in his usual conditions of “struggle for the top five.”
Psychologists advise:
Realize that everything comes from childhood
Namely, your desire to earn praise. To pat you on the head and tell you how smart you are. It is important for an adult to learn to praise and encourage himself, and not wait for approval from others.
Remember: the attitude of others will not change if we do not bring every matter to a state of ideality. In the end, this is not why we are loved and appreciated.
Work on your self-esteem
On your own or with the help of a psychologist. It is important for “excellent students” to learn to follow their own value guidelines without being afraid to make mistakes.
Learn to relax
Learn to relax and “disconnect” from work problems and household worries. It is important for the brain to “reboot”, otherwise it will not be able to function normally.
Compare yourself only to yourself
What have you learned over the past year? What skills and abilities have you acquired? What new did you learn?
Do not strive to perfect any work
If such a desire arises, make a mental stop and ask yourself: do I really need this or is the excellent student complex getting the better of me again?
Don't be afraid to try new things, experiment
It is necessary to realize that any action is an experience that helps a person gain confidence in himself and his abilities. And mistakes are inevitable when you start learning something new.
Listen to yourself first
Your desires, your aspirations.
Change your attitude towards criticism
Don’t immediately perceive it negatively, but analyze it. Perhaps there is considerable benefit for you in critical comments.
Don't attribute thoughts to others that they don't actually have.
Few people really expect you to be “ideal” and “good.” Everyone makes mistakes, and people understand this.
Stop blaming yourself for any mistake
Give yourself room to make mistakes. Use the “but” principle: “Yes, I didn’t manage to submit the report on time, but I did it efficiently and without errors,” “Yes, I scratched my car today, but I didn’t get into a serious accident.”
Devastating consequences
Life is not a competition. Other people's attitudes and children's complexes affect freedom of choice. If the syndrome is not eliminated, every year it will worsen the quality of life more and more.
- Frequent mood swings negatively affect the emotional range and can provoke a nervous breakdown. More serious disorders inevitably lead to depression.
- Being fixated on the result prevents you from enjoying the process. After completing the work, you feel not joy, but devastation. The manager's gratitude is annoying; you only think about what you haven't done enough.
- Following the same patterns deprives thinking of creativity. Accumulated fatigue kills the desire to create.
- Obsessing over trifles prevents you from seeing the situation as a whole. You don’t have time to react to changes, which can significantly affect the result.
- The desire to see only an unattainable ideal next to oneself leads to the inability to establish close relationships.
- Lack of free time due to incorrect prioritization and the habit of taking on unnecessary responsibility.
- Dissatisfaction with one's appearance and achievements leads to eating disorders, obsessive thoughts and insomnia.
- The desire for approval from others does not allow you to increase your authority.
The real story of a “family of excellent students”: the experience of mother and son
Natalia Mishchenko is a successful writer, author of a series of books about the development and formation of personality. She shared her story with the portal “Where are my children” to demonstrate from her own experience how the “excellent student” complex interferes with the life of an adult and affects the worldview of children.
"Failures made me happy"
For many years, since childhood, I wanted to do the splits, but, apparently, I was not naturally gutta-percha. I was very upset by the fact that my classmates could do the splits with ease, but I couldn’t do anything...
I did yoga for nine years until I realized that:
- happiness is not going to the gym three times a week;
- happiness is not the number of push-ups you do;
- happiness is not hours of physical activity.
Everyone has their own physical threshold, their own limit. Happiness is what brings you joy at your age, so there is no point in comparing yourself to others (runners, yogis, athletes, etc.). It is important to find something to do that makes you happy. Today for me it is:
- dancing;
- writing activity;
- charity;
- ten kilometers a day of walking;
- hiking with my husband;
- joint trips with children and much, much more.
I no longer strive to do the splits! Failures have made me wise. It took me decades to understand: splits are not my thing. My plans have changed. Failures made me happy because I realized what I really want.
I realized what exactly brings me pleasure, and these activities change along with me. As I move from one age to another, my happy activities also transform. Only one thing remains unchanged - the age of happiness.
It is not victories, but defeats and mistakes that make us who we are. Because they force us to accept our limitations and thus force us to accept our own individuality. Beyond social standards, beyond the expectations of friends and loved ones, beyond the role models that are imposed on us by school, parents, and society.
The son of an “excellent student” or how to help your child succeed
From early childhood, my son Robert wanted to connect his life with fashion. He read a lot of literature that was inappropriate for his age (as it seemed to me then) - various thick books about world designers, numerous fashion magazines, some textbooks. My son had a dream - to study in New York at an institute that has produced a huge number of world-famous fashion designers. When he grew up, he began to intensively prepare for admission. But then a crisis struck...
At the family council, it was decided that we would not be able to finance Robert’s education in America, because we would not be able to afford it. To say that his life collapsed is to say nothing! It turned out that he had successfully passed some exams and was practically enrolled in the desired faculty. We offered him admission to any other institute, but not abroad, but in the country. However, he was adamant
Years later, he moved to New York on his own and began... to work. He never studied, but he worked all the time in the profession and reached unprecedented heights: at the age of 14 he was one of the six world prodigies in the field of fashion, and he published his first printed fashion magazine at the age of 17!
What made my son strong? Of course, failures! Complete failures of the plans he made for the future. I remember how we financed his stay in America at first. Then they stopped, arguing that it was time for him to grow up and get on his feet.
After some time, it became possible to transfer another payment. As it turned out, he no longer needed his family’s help - his son began to earn good money on his own. He grew up.
The ability not to be an “excellent student”, the ability to lose is the ability to accept an unfavorable outcome when what happens does not meet our expectations, hopes, and efforts. And make the most of it.
Excellent student syndrome can either help or hinder a person from achieving success. If you feel that the desire for “A’s” is negatively affecting the quality of your life or the life of your child, then it’s time to get rid of this complex!
– Nina Suskina,
teacher, psychologist.
How does the excellent student syndrome differ from perfectionism?
Perfectionists understand that ideals are unattainable and that even the best make mistakes. But an inner voice forces them to do the same work, promising that one day it will be done flawlessly, and gradually bringing them closer to the desired result. Excellent student syndrome prevents you from truly completing a task because it forces you to improve the solution an infinite number of times.
Photo by ian dooley on Unsplash
“Excellent students” are overly concerned with outside attention. They work hard to understand what is expected of them in order to become the best version of themselves and achieve recognition. While perfectionists carefully follow standards, including their own, without claiming the attention of others.
It follows from this that perfectionists are focused on the quality of work and are focused on the process, while “excellent” students are focused on the reactions of others caused by the results of their activities. The desire to be the best, and not just to accurately complete a task, pushes them towards unhealthy competition. Often, such people experience real aggression and hatred towards their rivals, painfully experiencing losses. Dislike for one's own and others' shortcomings develops, and envy of success appears.
The straight-A student syndrome is tiring and debilitating. In pursuit of dubious ideals, a person cannot relax and enjoy his work, loses the ability to rejoice and becomes fixated on trifles. This inevitably affects all areas of life and leads to health problems.
Decide how important it is for you to always achieve the planned result, even to the detriment of your interests. Learn to prioritize when your personal desires come first. Who said that selfishness is bad? In moderation, it allows you to experience life to the fullest.
