Many effective techniques have been written about how to get rid of a grudge against a person, from complex psychotherapeutic ones to those that you can do yourself at home. The relevance of the topic is constant, because This is one of the difficult feelings, and not acute, experienced by passion, after which liberation follows, but toxic, interfering with the normal flow of life. Resentment can come through in all statements, leave an imprint on further interaction, spoiling relationships even when the offender is not directly notified of his offense and may remain in the ignorance and confidence of a wonderful relationship.
If we analyze this feeling, then the complexity of the work is due to the fact that it is anger, aggression towards the wrong attitude, unacceptable actions, but stopped by love. When you don’t want to ruin a significant relationship or engage in active confrontation so as not to hurt someone else, all the negativity is locked inside. She never treats ordinary passers-by and unfamiliar people, because there is no love and affection that translates aggression into resentment.
Tips on how to get rid of resentment
Simple practices on how to get rid of feelings of resentment come down to restoring balance. Essentially, this experience occurs when we try to demand the treatment that is due to us, be it respect, a gift, time spent together, or the absence of offensive words. To stop manipulating with a sour facial expression and small reproaches, you will have to turn on reflection and admit to your ego what critically important things it does not receive in interaction, but the person himself is still of great value.
As soon as the presence of resentment is recognized, it no longer controls the experience and it can be controlled, and the more clearly it is drawn, the better, so it is recommended to write down who and specifically why you were offended, that the person did such a terrible thing. It helps well to write down what you are waiting for, so that you feel better - an apology, a gift, a change in your lifestyle, and perhaps you will understand that the person did not mean to cause harm. If it is not possible to find satisfying ways of redemption, then we are talking about unconstructive behavior, because if it is an offense against a fact, then it can be forgiven, and what cannot be redeemed cannot be endured. Often, resentment can arise as a child’s reaction to dissatisfaction of whims, and only responsibility, and not attempts to knock out one’s happiness from others, fills one’s emotions emotionally.
How to get rid of resentment towards people? Psychological techniques include, instead of cultivating negativity inside, talk to the person, if this is still possible. While you put yourself in a position of resentment, it creates a false sense of power, that you are owed, in reality, mature relationships are built on interaction and clarification. After talking, you can understand the motives of his actions and perhaps see development in this for yourself. It happens that different principles of communication can be interpreted differently, and the meaning was only in misunderstanding. Having come across the fact that a person really hurt you and is going to do the same in the future, then you have a unique chance to get out of a destructive relationship, instead of trying to manipulate. But do not start a dialogue while emotions are still fresh, give time for the most acute phase to pass, otherwise, behind your own pain, you only risk turning passive dissatisfaction into a real open conflict with the classics of accusations and remembering all the negativity over the past years.
Algorithm for entering an offense.
Let's analyze what attitudes you used to get offended. Resentment is a child's emotional reaction. Envy, resentment and jealousy are children's ways of reacting when more complex mechanisms are not learned and not habitual. Our inner child is selfish and he wants to get what he wants by any means. As a child, it was enough to pout and the tension around us would subside; usually people would begin to feel sorry for us and love us.
As teenagers, we ran away from the discrepancy between reality and our picture of the world by resentfully joining subcultures (goths, punks, emo) or demonstrating protest behavior. But the psyche matures and becomes more complex. An adult cannot afford to shake the foundations by which everything was created. He analyzes the cause-and-effect relationships of what is happening. Demands not only from others, but also from himself. Explores the world. Creates and develops situations as he needs it. He controls reality, and does not go with the flow, being offended that it is taking him in the wrong direction. And of course, he respects the feelings of other people without causing them offense or pain.
Children's grievances.
When we function on instincts, we analyze little of what is happening and, because of this, we are not offended. When the cubs, pushing each other away, strive for the mother's papilla, they selfishly follow their goal, and are not offended because they were pushed away by other competitors for the mother's nourishing papilla. Cubs instinctively strive for what they want.
Resentment is a later psychological reaction, when desires are already realized, and the desires of other people are also realized. When these desires overlap each other and do not coincide, and sometimes even contradict, we begin to defend “ours” physically and mentally by any means available to us.
Resentment is the most painless way for a weak child to get out of a conflict without defending his boundaries, but without giving up . This is an opportunity to achieve what you want using self-pity. But if the desire is still not satisfied, frustration arises and, as a consequence, aggression. Therefore, resentment always requires revenge or satisfaction to relieve the resulting mental tension.
Adult grievances.
Older people, if they find themselves in a situation where they are weak, ineffective or unprotected, also regress to earlier psycho-emotional reactions. After all, in order to form new reactions in this situation, time, effort and skills are required.
The offense algorithm is based on five mental operations: inflated or simply different expectations + imposing these expectations on reality + comparison with a certain standard + the inability to protect oneself, one’s values and interests + making the decision to be offended, instead of some other way of resolving the situation.
Recommendations from psychologists
Psychologists offer techniques on how to get rid of resentment and anger. Since resentment is associated with non-acceptance of some behavior of another, you will have to get acquainted with the true manifestations of personalities and subpersonalities, without trying to ignore what was unnecessary. Trying to disguise rudeness towards animals, then we are offended that we are pushed away when we explain insults addressed to employees as their fault, and then we are hurt by swearing in our direction - then it is not the person who has become bad, it is we ourselves who have pushed him into the desired position image and now we demand compliance.
A psychologist's recommendations on how to get rid of resentment include the following. It will be necessary to remember all the qualities of a person, the slightest but constant negative manifestations, and perhaps even write them down. After a while, the list needs to be re-read without correction, excuses, or plans to change someone else’s life paradigm. There is such a person, he will not change and only you can continue to decide whether to stay in the relationship, at what distance and how exactly to control the negativity in your direction, but do not change the person.
If the problem is discussed and the partner’s personality is seen without embellishment, and the lump of resentment continues to eat from the inside, it is best to work with your own experiences. They are deeply deposited in the body, since society does not allow feelings to be fully reacted and resentment itself is stopped energy - all this remains in the body. Therefore, meditative practices, swimming, and relaxation can greatly help get rid of physical symptoms. If more anger is stuck, then you need to release it more actively - sports, jogging, hitting a punching bag. Some can dance their emotions, others paint them on paper - these are all great ways to give vent to resentment without escalating the situation and without making your partner feel guilty with constant whining and nagging after a frank conversation.
Take control of your own activity and instead of replaying an unpleasant event, answer options and whipping up your own dissatisfaction, cut off this flow. Start engaging in some kind of hobby, and not calling your partner for a conversation, see what you can please yourself with now and do it instead of waiting for someone else.
When love is knocked out of us by force, we usually don’t want to give it back, a person with constant reproaches is avoided in order to preserve oneself, and a crying person can only be hugged the first few times, then it has a depressing effect. Mature individuals, who themselves regulate their existential needs and emotional manifestations, remove the burden of responsibility from the other and allow freedom to be expressed in relationships. It’s also good to look for what you can thank a person for, and the more such moments you find, the faster gratitude will crowd out unnecessary resentment. It’s great if you can do this for your entire life, then against the backdrop of one small unpleasant moment there will be many inspiring ones, and although resentment will appear, it will not be able to completely destroy your existence.
Resentment towards husband
Romantic relationships become commonplace, trepidation as with crystal vases goes away, and here many resentments arise, both at the changed attitude and at the manifestation of some traits of the spouse that were not previously noticed. While you simply ask not to act in a certain way, and you are ignored, the feeling of resentment grows and may soon explode into a break in the relationship or severe psychosomatics. The constant accumulation of such toxic negativity inside carries frustration tendencies, so it is necessary to get rid of resentment towards your husband as soon as possible in order to preserve your own health, if not your family.
How to get rid of resentment towards your husband? The main mistake is silence, which leads to the fact that a war is brewing inside, and a person thinks that everything is fine. If you do not voice that you are hurt and unpleasant, then you will be constantly offended, and the one who is trying to withstand everything will be put under more and more pressure until you drop dead. Even a close and beloved man will not guess what you want, so only a frank dialogue and the establishment of rules can save the situation. Some men prefer not to interfere in a woman’s experiences so much that they even ignore crying from the bathroom, believing that she needs to be alone, and if she needs him, she will say it herself.
Dialogue is necessary as a preventive measure, but if resentment towards the husband has already settled, then it needs to be thrown out. We remember that this is stopped anger and in our own imagination we remove all restrictions. Forget alone with yourself that you love this person, scold him with all the words that come to mind, hit his imaginary face, if the negativity is particularly strong, you can even write a story about his death or visualize the funeral. The point is not to take revenge, but to legalize negative experiences. As soon as the anger is fully experienced, other emotions will begin to appear, perhaps warmth and forgiveness, perhaps disappointment or dull acceptance of the fact, but this is the dynamics of getting out of the offense.
Resentment towards parents
There is an opinion that if you get rid of resentment towards your parents, then other negative aspects will also decrease, because this is the pattern from childhood that has the greatest impact on adult life. Without forgiving our parents for something, we continue to demand it from all of reality, our friends and partners, while it is impossible to satiate this hole. This is the kind of resentment that everyone has in their history, no matter how the rest of their lives turn out. Even childhood traumas remain bleeding, and an unbought duck can torment the soul for years, because this is not at all about a rubber product, but about a sense of self-worth or uselessness.
It is very difficult for a little man to resist adults, because... there is a biological prohibition on expressing dissatisfaction, because his life, hunger, comfort and development directly depend on the satisfaction of the parent. This is how resentment is formed when a child tries to adapt and does not express aggression, but tries to get his way differently, through pity or silence. If the methods of getting offended on every occasion work, then this behavior is reinforced and there is resentment against the universe as a way of manipulation. To prevent this from going further and destroying relationships with children, you need to learn to forgive your elders, this opens up the birth canals of energy and gives you the opportunity to receive support.
How to get rid of resentment towards parents? What stretches from childhood becomes easier to let go of in adulthood, when you have the opportunity to put yourself in the place of a parent. So many motives become clear, and we become grateful, seeing what gross mistakes and consequences this saved us from.
Think about your care for someone that causes rebellion in him and then it becomes easier to feel the hopelessness of the parental situation, when everything is done for development and is met only with negativity.
Find something to be grateful for - if you didn’t get help, then it taught you independence; if you didn’t indulge all your whims, then it taught you how to use little; if you didn’t spend a lot of time, then you developed the ability to entertain yourself. Any behavior gives us a chance to get something, the main thing is to find it and thank it.
“I was offended” and “I’m offended”
First, it’s worth understanding the difference between “I was offended” and “I’m offended.”
In the option “I was offended” there is an objective manifestation of negativity in your direction: you were insulted, called names, you were rude, you were rude, your voice was raised at you, you were unfairly accused, you were devalued. In this case, the offender wants to offend you, this is his malicious intent, plan.
You may feel resentful even if the person did not mean to offend you.
What can’t be said about the “I’m offended” option. In this case, it is not the actions, words or actions of the other that become objective, but your feelings. You may feel resentful even if the person did not mean to offend you.
If the emotion of resentment is your feeling, and not the goal of the offender, you should immediately say this directly and openly. The best form of communication is the I message. Its formula is simple: I am the feeling experienced - the cause. It might sound like this:
- “I get offended when you ignore my requests.”
- “I feel a burning resentment when you praise your colleagues to me, please don’t do that.”
- “I’m very upset when you’re late for family dinners, try not to do that again.”
If the actions of another are objectively offensive, if they want to offend you, in response to this you can ask the offender: “Why are you offending me?” Here you don’t have to use I-messages, because the object is not your personal experiences, but the actual behavior of your opponent, that is, his feelings, because of which he seeks to hurt you. Bringing these feelings to the surface is the way to resolve the conflict.
What is a toxic relationship
Old grievances
One of the difficult tasks is how to get rid of old grievances, because they have already sprouted into all areas of life and have become an integral personality trait. It’s not just about forgiving, you’ll have to reshape yourself and live differently, which remains a mystery, so you need to find safety options and get ready for a long job. You need to get rid of it - you can live with a person, not remember a bad event, but the slightest incident again returns everything to the starting point, returning the feeling of pain, resentment, indignation. The insidiousness of an old insult lies in the completely forgotten reason for its initial appearance, only the last words or memory of pain will remain, and what she cried and maybe she herself also had a hand in is no longer in the memory.
How to get rid of old grievances? Devalue such situations with the help of your partners; you can also ask if they remember why you were offended then. Consider what happened from the perspective of the present, obviously you have already changed, both people and the context of the situation, so what is the point of holding on to the old. If you use cognitive analysis at all, it can become funny how much energy is spent on experiencing the past. Explore that part of your personality that was most severely traumatized by that event, that the resentment still does not let go - it needs to be nourished. If you are left without support, then begin to develop your independence, and if you are rude, learn to indicate what behavior is acceptable towards you. Where nothing hurts, there are no old toxic experiences, so figure out why this constant reminder of pain is beneficial.
What to do if a person is very vulnerable
Vulnerability, sensitivity and anxiety are triggers for quick offense out of the blue. When you hear more and more often that they didn’t mean to offend you, you exaggerate or push yourself too hard - this may be about excessive sensitivity
It is important to understand that such comments must come from different people, otherwise the emotional sadist or gaslighter will convince you that you are overly offended and should be happy, although it is time to call the police
Sensitivity to the comments of others is born from low self-worth, because... when a person himself does not understand what he deserves, he receives all assessments from the outside. The trick is to try to get more praise to strengthen your inner sense of self, but you can't please everyone. Those who try hard for others soon receive more and more comments, simply because they are trying to please. And every criticism is perceived not just as a bad suit, but almost as a ban on such people from living. You need to get out of this by looking for internal supports.
Remind yourself of all the positive achievements, things you did on your own or with support, but well. Figure out what you like; to do this, you can spend some time in seclusion to decide on food, appearance, and behavior. Rewatch films, re-read books, very subtly and delicately listening to all the movements of your mood in order to understand which ones are yours and which ones you read in order to be on topic. Make this list and another small one, where you write down everything that brings joy and let this be the guideline for the real you when someone criticizes you.
Try to perceive other people's statements not as a guide to action or criticism, but as an opportunity to look at the other side of the same event. It may or may not suit you, but the decision is yours to make. Then there will be less resentment and vulnerability, because the person only offers, and whether to take it or not is up to you. In addition, evaluate your situations of increased vulnerability - a party where your ex is present, communication with a negative person, work where creativity is suppressed. Avoid such places and it is likely that your psyche will not be so sensitive, vulnerability will also pass if you do not constantly hit the bleeding wound.
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