Lovely

All people experience attachment. We feel a special connection with our loved ones, we single out someone from our environment for friendship. It is a feeling of close emotional connection with a person with whom you have something in common. When two people begin to build a relationship, it is quite normal to feel sympathy for each other and express it. A man is by nature less emotional, therefore he is rather stingy in expressing feelings, and a woman who is in love can sometimes “pull the blanket over herself,” trying to dissolve in her partner and trying to be nearby all the time. For a romance to have a happy continuation, it takes time to get to know your partner, so you shouldn’t get attached to a man at the beginning of a relationship.

What is attachment

Attachment and love are often confused and put on the same level, but this is wrong, since the first is a feeling that is somewhat akin to a habit, and the second is much broader and higher. We get used to our favorite things, so we can’t part with old sneakers or a cracked cup; familiar people seem nice to us, familiar places seem loved.

Attachment, like love, has many faces - these are interpersonal relationships between parents and children, friends, spouses. It gives us good emotions, gives us pleasure, a feeling of reliability and we want it to always be like this. But attachment is fraught with hidden danger if it develops too quickly or takes the form of dependence.

Each person experiences the need for intimacy and love differently and manifests it differently in relationships. Psychologists distinguish 4 types of attachment, which are formed in early childhood based on the child’s relationship with his mother or parents:

The reliable type is expressed in confidence in oneself, in one's partner and in the environment. People with this type do not need confirmation of their own importance; they tend to be emotionally open and form strong, equal relationships.
The anxious type is expressed in a negative perception of oneself, devaluation of one’s personality against the background of the environment. Such people are always tormented by jealousy; it seems to them that they are not good enough for their partner, while they really need constant approval and support.
The anxious-avoidant type is characterized by self-doubt. Such people suffer greatly from contradiction - they are looking for a relationship and are afraid of it, they distrust their partner, fearing to be abandoned.
The avoidant-rejecting type is expressed in excessive independence. People with this type of attachment play a “game of anticipation”, trying to be the first to break the connection, so as not to receive a painful blow to their pride in the event of separation.

Now it becomes clear that to create a strong and happy couple, both need to experience a secure type of attachment.

What is the most common role?

As a rule, female “victims” turn to psychologists for help. They often do this under the influence of public opinion. “Chasers”, as a rule, do not notice any special problems, and other people usually envy them. If these are financially secure, socially independent women, then throughout their lives they do not realize that they are dependent.

“Savior” is the most common socio-psychological role. Women “love” losers, guys “with a sea of melancholy in their eyes”, suffering from alcoholism or drug addiction, terminally ill people, “unrecognized geniuses” and everyone else who needs help, pity, care, guardianship. This type of dependence grows out of maternal instinct, and it is very terrible for the female psyche.

A woman with such dependence completely devotes herself to caring for a man, to the point of forgetting about her own appearance, not to mention hobbies, interests, hobbies, and tastes. At the same time, the whole family is “subordinate” to the man; if a woman has children, they are in second place, and she also requires them to take care of the man.

The woman herself is absolutely convinced that “without her, her beloved will be lost.” She needs to constantly “save” the man, protect, protect, “stand guard over his interests.” Such women are convinced that only they “understand” their chosen one.

This form of addiction is scary not only for women. It cripples the psyche of children and completely destroys the already weak personality of a man. A self-sufficient, accomplished, successful husband does not need saving; accordingly, insecure individuals become partners of such women. Over the years, from such a “clogged life” a real tyrant, a domestic despot, grows. This happens because the man is trying to psychologically resist the “savior.”

What are the reasons for its occurrence in the process of relationship development?

A woman has a natural desire for guardianship and care. The further romantic feelings go, the more a woman strives to fill the life of her lover. The reasons that form “quick” attachment and force one person to hold on to another, literally entwining him, come from childhood.

If a girl did not receive enough maternal attention or experienced betrayal by adults, she will always have to experience the fear of being abandoned. Such a girl, becoming independent, will experience an anxious or anxious-avoidant type of attachment; it will become difficult for her not to become attached to a man at the beginning of a relationship.

Another reason for the development of a painful relationship in a couple is the negative experience of a love relationship. If a girl happens to be abandoned, perhaps even several times, in order not to become attached to a guy in a relationship, she will initiate a breakup herself. According to statistics, emotional partners, and these are usually women, more often than men fall into the trap of painful attachment.

Don't blend in with your partner

“Merging with a partner” was first put forward as a term by psychotherapist Murray Bowen. This means a strong emotional attachment to another person. A woman does not understand where she ends and a man begins, which leads to increased anxiety. Merging as one sounds beautiful, but in reality it causes constant self-doubt.

By the way, such a symbiosis is easy to notice if a woman often uses “we” instead of “I”, as well as phrases like “he’s like that for me...”.

In order not to merge with your partner, you need to be clearly aware of your “I” and feel like a full-fledged woman, regardless of whether there is a man nearby or not. To do this, take note of the following tips.

What are the consequences of being attached to a man?

Attachment is built solely on attraction and selfishness; it forces us to demand from our partner full compliance with our needs. A woman, becoming attached to a man, wants constant attention to her person, which leads to destruction - this is the psychology of relationships.

Constant control, groundless jealousy, attempts at manipulation and subordination, far-fetched grievances - all these are links in one chain. Rarely anyone can withstand such pressure for a long time, so couples break up.

A painful attachment to a guy at the beginning of a relationship dooms both to suffering. Happy meetings are replaced by painful hours of doubts and worries that poison life. The result is a new traumatic breakup, decreased self-esteem, and self-rejection.

How to get rid of emotional dependence

There are several steps that will help you overcome your emotional dependence and learn to build sincere relationships built on love:

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acknowledge the presence of emotional dependence and understand that it is not so scary, it is just a problem that you need to work on to strengthen your relationship;
work on increasing your self-esteem - shift the priority of your partner’s opinion to your own opinion about yourself, praise yourself more often and support yourself;
analyze your goals and desires - which of them belong to you and which belong to the man;
learn to say “no”, it’s normal to not want something, and you don’t need to ask for forgiveness or look for excuses for it;
restore the lost part of your life - communication with friends, relatives, hobbies;
realize that independence and freedom are not a path to loneliness, but skills through which we are able to build strong, partnerships;
realize that your life is not limited to one role (wife, mother or lover) - you are a complex, multifaceted personality who has many roles and in each you can be fulfilled;
learn to make decisions and take responsibility for your life - first in small things, then in more and more serious matters;
remember what you dreamed of, what you wanted to learn, what you wanted to try new - do it, preferably on your own, without trying to involve your partner in this activity;

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you learn to control your way of thinking - when negative emotions, fears, jealousy appear, do not let them take over you, remind yourself what the reason for these thoughts is, because it is in your childhood experience, and not in the behavior of a man;
don’t be afraid to ask a man for help - talk about your feelings, problems, reasons for your jealous or controlling behavior.

How not to get attached to a guy in a relationship

To avoid a negative scenario and not become attached to a man, you should reconsider your perception of your partner. If the formula looks like “I am you, you are me,” then it becomes clear that both individuals are subject to pressure from each other. Personal space for everyone is an inviolable territory.

Love yourself a little more than your partner, try to find and develop the best qualities in yourself. Take breaks in relationships: forced separations are beneficial. Do not throw yourself on the neck of the first person you meet - after the “fateful” meeting, enough time should pass to understand the person.

Close the door to the past

The first thing you need to do after you break up with a person is to accept the fact that the past, no matter how beautiful and rosy it may be, cannot be returned. It is necessary to let it go, cross it out, accept the breakup as a given. Psychologists say that over time you will even like the feeling of freedom and independence.

Advice from psychologists on getting rid of attachment to a guy

If a girl understands that she is beginning to experience a painful addiction, then in order not to become attached to a man, psychologists advise taking decisive action without waiting for a crisis:

Don't try to live by his interests. Remember how you spent your time before meeting him - what you filled your days with, who you talked to, what books you read. Don’t get lost in his background - don’t adapt to his lifestyle and habits.
Don’t look for a meeting with him every minute, don’t be intrusive, keep your distance. Reduce the number of calls and messages to a minimum.
Don’t try to control the situation and any move a man makes, don’t monitor his activity on social networks, get rid of your guardianship.
Chat with other men; make sure that the light does not converge like a wedge on just one. Get proof that you can be interesting to the opposite sex.
Don’t rush to join his circle of friends, don’t insist on meeting his family, and don’t be interested in past relationships.
Critically evaluate the object of your suffering - he probably has a lot of shortcomings, do not close your eyes to them.
Learn to tell yourself “stop” if your feelings start to get the better of you. Analyze the consequences, think about where this could lead you both.
If independent measures do not help, make an appointment with a psychologist. Sometimes addiction treatment requires a lot of work with a specialist.

There is a “we” in a relationship only when both want it. In order not to become attached to a man too quickly and too strongly at the beginning of a relationship, a woman should not invent her future, idealize her partner and lose self-respect.

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Differences between love and emotional dependence

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But emotional dependence on a man manifests itself in completely the opposite. Being in such a relationship, on the contrary, your circle of social contacts narrows, self-development stops, you refuse self-actualization and self-realization outside of these relationships.

Instead of a feeling of security, anxiety appears, a negative way of thinking, fear of losing this relationship, you are in a situation of constant stress and emotional “swing” - from euphoria to depression and vice versa.

One of the main signs that distinguishes love from addiction is the inability to be without a partner, alone with oneself or with other people. Separation causes anxiety, resentment, irritation and is experienced as something painful, like emptiness.