Hello! My name is Igor Lapin, I am a professional pickup trainer. The topic of today’s conversation will be a pressing question among many guys: “Why am I unlucky with girls?” There are quite a lot of guys in the world with attractive appearance, material wealth and other good qualities, but among them there are those who are chronically unlucky with girls.
Why is this happening and what are they doing wrong? It’s impossible to answer this question unequivocally, but let’s together try to understand the main reasons why they have no luck with girls in life.
Diffidence
The obvious and most common problem of modern men is lack of self-confidence. Even though in our time there are a lot of tools to find a soul mate, there are those who cannot afford it for some reason. Either it seems to a person that he is not yet old enough for a serious relationship, or it seems that he is not yet wealthy enough. Some people think that he is ugly, short, fat and other reasons. Although we see completely different people around us, with completely different appearances, they do not have problems with women.
Some are even afraid to admit that the root of the problem lies within themselves and begin to blame all girls and the world as a whole.
But no matter how much one would like to blame problems on others, psychologists have long given an answer to the age-old question: “why don’t you have luck with girls?”
And the answer is that individual phobias, fears and complexes are to blame. Hi, friend! Especially for you, I have prepared a course “Schoolboy. Basics of Pickup" for only 490 rubles! Follow the link and order —> Of course, within adequate limits, you can blame a couple of failures in relationships on the fair sex. But when you are constantly unlucky with women, it is worth thinking about the real roots of the problem.
Mutual acquaintances
Sometimes finding your soulmate on your own becomes quite difficult. Then friends who are really easy to trust can come to the rescue. Such people will quite simply organize a fateful meeting for you. It will be great if a pleasant acquaintance turns into something beautiful and truly touching. The guy will learn to understand what the girl needs and will be able to devote more time and attention to her. When there are mutual acquaintances, communication takes place in the most natural setting and no one has to worry about how to keep the attention of the person they like.
Finding flaws in yourself
Doubting their own attractiveness, men come up with a bunch of excuses for not dating girls.
Dissatisfaction with their body or voice, as well as other shortcomings, drive people crazy, causing them to forever lose faith in themselves and stop even trying to have a relationship. Again, everywhere we see examples where frankly ugly people, men with physical disabilities and other serious problems do not feel uncomfortable with the fair sex. They are okay with this, but smart and beautiful people continue to be persecuted.
Hence the conclusion that the problem is not at all in shortcomings. The root lies in a man’s fear of being responsible for someone or to someone. He finds multiple excuses just to avoid admitting that he is childish and irresponsible in life. During their existence, people have never become independent, so they are afraid to even imagine themselves as an adult.
What advice can you give to people who are constantly unlucky with girls? If in their life there were at least some attempts to start a relationship, then I would recommend talking to ex-girlfriends and asking them directly about their problems.
Why did women leave them? What was the main reason? Moreover, you can ask this not only from exes, but also from those with whom you had sympathy, but it never worked out.
Why ask such awkward questions? And then, a person who knows about his shortcomings is already on the path to overcoming them.
Place of study
Many couples met within the walls of their native institute or university. And this is not surprising. Where else can a young man meet his love, if not in a place where he has to spend many hours at a time? You just need to start taking a closer look at your fellow students. It is likely that they will turn out to be extremely interesting and attractive people. No one is rushing you here.
You can watch the girl you like and draw conclusions. However, there is a possibility that if you do not express your aspirations in any way for a long time, then more efficient fellow students may get ahead of you.
Excessive requirements
Another reason why you have such bad luck with girls is that the man himself has too high demands on the female sex. This psychological moment has a very strong impact on both boys and girls. The fact is that ideal people do not exist. At the same time, the man builds in his head the image of an ideal princess with a model appearance, a sharp mind and obedient in everything. At the same time, he himself does not work on his shortcomings, because a woman should accept him for who he is!
Thus, we can highlight several points why a guy has no luck with girls:
- A guy is looking for an ideal lady who doesn’t match his level;
- A man believes that a woman is obliged to accept him as he is, but he himself cannot accept her;
- The guy is not even looking for a girl among his equals, and this is precisely what would be the key to a good relationship.
So, we see that the main problem is that the guy is afraid to admit his imperfection and be loyal to the imperfections of others.
Working team
For older young people who have already completed their studies, I would like to recommend taking a closer look at your colleagues. Among your colleagues, you may well meet a pretty girl who will become your future wife. As a rule, in a work team there is a greater chance of getting to know each other better, because you have to be in contact with these people for quite a long period of time. If a guy doesn’t know how to behave in a relationship with a girl, then the option with a colleague seems very successful. This is the safest way and there will be a minimum of disappointments. Choose responsible women who have shown their best side.
Inaction
We all love to complain about life, but do we make real efforts to change its quality?
The same goes for guys who have no luck with girls. A man complains, feels sorry for himself, but does absolutely nothing to meet women. He just sits at home, communicates with a small circle of friends, etc.
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What to do if you have no luck with girls? Of course, do at least something! To begin with, at least communicate with girls online more often. It is also necessary to expand the real circle of communication. For example, find a hobby and join some hobby club. A woman will not come from nowhere! She can take the first step, but first you need to at least get into the center of her attention. What's the point of complaining about bad luck if you do everything for it yourself?
Internet
The power of the World Wide Web should not be underestimated. If you want to find your soulmate, you should definitely register on special sites. Let not all acquaintances end in something serious, but there are chances of meeting true love, and quite big ones. Turn to the Internet and you will not be disappointed. Some people think like this, they say, I want to find a girl, but I’m not going to put much effort into this. In such cases, the search can last for years and cause the development of significant self-doubt. You need to be active and enterprising.
Searching in the wrong place
Sometimes men's complaints are simply ridiculous.
The fact is that guys are trying to find girls for long and serious relationships in clubs or bars. And when the girls from there turn out to be not so white and fluffy, the men are disappointed. For some reason, logic does not tell them that looking for a well-mannered lady in such places is simply stupid. Or another example: a man constantly complains about life and asks: “why am I unlucky with girls?” It turns out that he is a businessman who is looking for a “house” wife among other careerists like him. A woman cannot live without work, and a man is trying to make her a housewife. Of course, such relationships are doomed to failure.
In general, it is very logical to look for a lover in your social circle.
However, you need to understand that the requirements must coincide with this circle. If you work in a striptease bar and decide to have a serious relationship with a dancer, then be prepared to put up with other men staring at her. It is unlikely that you will be able to drive a lover of “adventures” into the house to raise children.
How to become more successful
To be successful, you must recognize opportunity when it comes and grab it. To do this, you need to learn to see connections that others do not notice, train logical thinking, attentiveness and insight, broaden your horizons, develop self-confidence and courage. We tell you how to do this.
Argue
The ability to prove your position develops logic. When selecting arguments, we analyze causes and consequences, and notice non-obvious connections between people, events and objects. But there is no need to constantly run into arguments: you can ruin relationships with family, friends or colleagues. It is better to train in discussion clubs or debates, where your desire to express your point of view will be supported by everyone present.
Ask
Choose any random object and ask yourself three questions about it: “What is it?”, “How does it work?” and “Why is this happening?” Answer them clearly and logically. If you can't, Google it. You will be surprised how many interesting things around you you haven’t noticed before.
Play
To develop logic, you can do it the old fashioned way: solve puzzles, play chess, or play solitaire. Or you can boost your brain with a high-quality computer game. The main thing is not to get too carried away: 30 minutes a day is enough for training.
Richard Wiseman proposed another exercise that develops luck. You need to do something at least once a week that you haven’t gotten around to doing before, or something that for some reason you didn’t want to try. The daily routine can be tiring, and stepping out of your comfort zone will increase your chances of getting lucky in life.
Luck smiles only on those who do not sit still and are not afraid to try new things. A good way to practice your luck is to take part in the New Year's Russian Lotto draw, where a billion rubles are guaranteed to be won. It only takes a couple of clicks to buy a ticket. Who knows, maybe you will become the first lottery billionaire in Russia? I'll be lucky!
Love or addiction? Why am I “unlucky” in love?
"I am clever! Beautiful! Educated! But why am I still alone?!” - this is the question millions of women around ask themselves. And millions more of the same unfortunate people live in a toxic dependence on a partner, which cannot be called love. But ladies in Russia prefer to pull the burden of destructive relationships to the end. Proud loneliness seems to us something completely terrible. To be “strong and independent” in our country, alas, is simply indecent. This means “not like that”, “defective”, “useless to anyone”...
So why is the frivolous, fidgety Svetka basking in the love and attention of men, while the serious and interesting Zhanna is still single? Which women are “lucky” in love, and which women are not so lucky? How to distinguish love from addiction, and what is “addiction”? Let's figure it out together with psychologist Valentina Moskalenko, author of the book “When there is too much love.” What interferes with my happiness?
Love or addiction? Lubaholism and its scenarios
How to distinguish love or a healthy, secure attachment from an unhealthy, pathological one? In other words, what is the difference between happy love and painful love?
Let's listen to Natalya. This is a young, very attractive woman with a higher education. Successful in her business, wealthy, economically independent. She is 31. Never been married. She says: “I am chronically unlucky in love. I don't understand what the reason is. My character is flexible, they say, even pleasant. I am sociable, cheerful, I can liven up any company, I dance well. I do fitness and watch my figure. Men like me. I also like men - serious, respectable, smart and temperamental.
Recently I had an acquaintance story that, as always, was short-lived, it lasted only four months. At first everything went well. He showed interest in me, I liked him too. I didn’t notice when or how it happened, but he became dearer to me than anything in the world. I got stuck on it. Yes, I called him too often. Yes, I didn’t hide the fact that he is everything to me!
I took upon myself all his affairs, I was overwhelmed with his problems. I tolerated it when he began to pay less and less attention to me. In the evenings I could hardly restrain myself from calling him. I sat and just waited for the call. I think he knew what state I was in. And he stopped calling completely. We broke up".
Natasha had several stories that followed a similar scenario. At first, she and her new acquaintance like each other approximately equally. Then inspiration comes: “This is him!” And Natasha can’t help herself, she “freezes.”
She neglects her own interests, her affairs and even her friends. And he simply no longer thinks about anything else except about his beloved. Her love resembles an obsession, an addiction. She absorbs the man with her attention. He “cannot breathe”; he has no psychological space left for his own life. His boundaries are violated, she invades his personal territory, like an occupier, trying to subjugate him. Its boundaries also ceased to exist. And so he leaves. She “smothered” him in her arms.
Natasha's grief is limitless. Every time she thinks that life is over. Until new love breaks out, it hurts to look at it. Her eyes go dark, she moves as if through force. From a distance it is clear that she “has no one.” Finally, a new meeting... and everything repeats itself. Does Natalia's condition remind you of alcohol addiction? Euphoria, depression, ups and downs. An insatiable need for love, like an insatiable craving for alcohol - what is this if not a fatal addiction?
There is even such a concept - “any-aholism”, by analogy with alcoholism. “Any-holics” always lack the warmth that their partner gives. They cannot accept the fact that there are two separate “I”s living in the world; they want there to be a single “we”. And this desire shows internal lack of freedom, dependence. If a person is dependent, he faces the danger of becoming unhappy. When the beloved weakens his love a little, suffering begins. And if he cheats and leaves, the severity of the condition of the abandoned woman in this case resembles a state of acute shortage of the substance to which an addiction has developed. Hangover syndrome. A person needs a sip of new love - in one case, alcohol - in another, in order to feel better.
Just as alcoholism is a relapsing disease, that is, it is repeated, so the scenario of “alcoholism” arises again and again. An alcoholic makes vows, enough is enough, we need to quit. An abandoned woman can also say to herself: “It’s decided, I won’t fall in love again. There is only suffering from this love.” This is an attempt to get rid of the problem on a rational level; it fails because the subconscious powerfully rebels against the “change of course.” And a person’s ideas about his dependence, helplessness and uselessness only intensify.
Friends and well-wishers whisper: “Look at him. Is he worthy of your tears? Anger arises. It's like someone flipped a switch. There was love and suddenly - time! - hatred. This is a great misfortune.
Until a woman can treat her former lover, who brought her suffering, calmly, recovery will not come. Like alcoholism. While the attraction to alcohol is strong, no vows, no horror stories, no coding will help.
Recovery is possible when a person’s painful craving for alcohol (or for a partner) disappears. If harmony reigns in the soul, then love, no matter how strong it may be, does not compete with other attractions. On the contrary, healthy love seems to multiply all internal forces - it nourishes creativity, reveals talents, gives special depth to friendship, care for children and loved ones.
In case of love addiction, relationships with men occupy an inordinately large place in a woman’s life and crowd out and devalue everything else.
Isn't that how alcohol rules the life of an alcoholic, crowding out or absorbing all other interests? Unhappy love is characterized by altered, displaced experiences. Why did Natasha get so involved in the problems of her beloved man that she even left her friends? When he called, she canceled any other meeting, any scheduled business.
The stereotypicality and repetition of the situation resembles the characteristics of the course of alcoholism. When a non-alcoholic person goes to a party, it is impossible to predict in advance how he will behave there. It is possible that he will drink a lot, but not necessarily. Everything will depend on his mood, on what kind of company will gather, on his own plans. And the behavior of an alcoholic at a party can be calculated in advance by hours and minutes, from the first glass until the moment when he becomes unbearable and they begin to send him away. There are women whose fate, unfortunately, can also be calculated in advance.
One oak tree does not grow in the shade of another
No matter what bitter days a mentally healthy, emotionally mature woman has to go through, she always has a future. She tries to plan it.
The circumstances of her life change, and a new meeting can always give a new course to events. The most important indicator of mental health is a wide choice of different opportunities, psychological flexibility, and lack of fixation on one thing.
The life of a woman suffering from love addiction is a non-stop, exhausting search for a man who will “give her everything.” He, in accordance with her expectations, will completely change her destiny, even in the case when such a revolution is not necessary.
In any human union, including love, each participant must go halfway towards the other. But the “love-holics”, in their uncontrollable impulse, rush to run the entire distance - for themselves and for their partner. As a rule, they have little understanding of what their problem is. They even see advantages in their ability to love and consider their abilities a sign of being chosen. This is their natural psychological defense that helps them live. And it prevents them from taking a sober look at their failures and trying to change.
One of the significant differences between women who are capable of healthy love and satisfying relationships for both partners, and those who suffer from love addiction, is the quality of self-esteem in both. The first value their intelligence, various qualities of character, their spiritual wealth, their personality. They do not wait for someone else to evaluate them from the outside. These women know what they want from life and what they can do for themselves. Overall, they envision their lives. They are able to make active efforts to implement their life plan.
The latter usually crave recognition from outside. Only the approval of other people somewhat saturates and feeds their unstable self-esteem. “If I don’t become a wife, I will feel like a failed person,” said one quite worthy woman. She considered herself valuable only next to a man, only he could provide her with a feeling of safety and security, a feeling of “I’m okay.” She thought that without the support of a man she could not even exist.
Healthy women are characterized by emotional maturity. They can use all their senses and endure suffering, loneliness, and difficulties, in overcoming which a person is forged, tempered, and improved. They feel good alone. They know the answer to the question: “Who am I?” They have developed self-discipline - they can postpone gratification of their desires. They do not suffer from mood swings, and the amplitude of fluctuations in their life’s ups and downs is not so great.
In dependent women, despite the intensity of their suffering, their feelings are still superficial, their reactions are immature, like those of a teenager. They can neither wait nor choose a worthy partner. Feelings often change, they swing “from hell to heaven.” It’s as if it doesn’t matter to them who to depend on, as long as there is someone. It is difficult for them to discipline themselves: they cannot postpone the satisfaction of their desires until later, just like children.
Perhaps this happens because they have a feeling of emptiness and an unsatisfied thirst for attention since childhood. They strive to fill their inner emptiness as soon as possible, to satisfy this hunger. A hungry person does not shop well: he is in a hurry and grabs whatever comes to hand. These women throw away their best qualities; even honesty towards themselves is not a significant value for them. This is how “holes in the soul” are formed. They lose some part of their personality, lose integrity, lose their sense of identity and define “Who am I?” only through a relationship with another person.
If healthy women actively build their lives, then dependent women take a passive position. They look at a man and even at children as the source of their happiness and completeness of existence. If the “anyone-holics” are unhappy, then they consider others responsible for this: “He is to blame, he ruined my youth!” As a result, they are often angry and feel defeated, destroyed, and even more devastated. For them, life is a complete disappointment.
Perhaps the root of their problems is a lack of self-sufficiency. In reality, no one can make another person happy. A person with high self-sufficiency is characterized by the feeling “I can be loved (beloved) and therefore I am loved (we love).” This will happen as long as a woman is true to herself, as long as she values herself as she is. In dependent people, this logic is perverted: “I am loved, which means I am worthy of love.” The very ability to cause affection is made dependent on external circumstances - on the attitude of a particular person. It’s as if it fills the gap of one’s own self.
Mature, independent individuals have long been psychologically separated from their parents and can now form a new emotional attachment. When they build a family, the division of roles in it will not be as strict as that of addicts. Members of a healthy family can change roles, which reduces their interdependence. At the same time, such flexibility will become training for survival alone, in case of loss of a partner.
It is very difficult for dependent people to separate themselves from their parents, change a job that has been boring for a long time, and even relax and find their own hobby. The loss of a partner is so terrible for them that they cannot even bear to prepare for this event. It is very difficult for them to give up addiction, to find a foothold in life other than the object of love. One woman even asked me the question: “What is the meaning of my life? What am I doing here in my husband’s apartment?” Moreover, this question arose to her after many years of waiting and searching for “her man” and marriage with him. Now the time has come to realize your emptiness. It is painful for such women to give more freedom to another person, but they are not aware of their own freedom. Therefore, the roles in such a family are solid and ossified, which often becomes the basis for conflicts.
Dependent people even strive to increase infantile interdependence, rather than reduce it. If we are talking about two psychologically unfree people, they do not welcome each other’s professional growth. They are hindered by jealousy: what if he or she becomes self-sufficient (self-sufficient) and leaves me? Men demand that their wives give up work and insist that good wives stay at home and raise children. If a woman agrees with a man (but in reality wants something different), she thereby reduces her importance and sabotages her freedom. Dependent people also constantly undermine their partner’s freedom. Women demonstratively refuse to learn anything new. They hope to bind their partner to themselves with their helplessness. Their position is passive waiting, without making any effort. They only want to receive love and care. Their “give” and “take” are not balanced; in this situation, either the desire to take, or total sacrifice, oblivion of one’s own needs prevails.
The inability to perceive and respect the separateness, uniqueness, and “friendship” of a loved one is very common among such women. True, they also do not perceive themselves as separate people. This feature is the source of much unnecessary suffering. Of course, other people exist for them on an intellectual level, but in essence they are only a reflection of their female existence.
Deep down, the whole world is herself. The sea splashes between the shores of the souls of truly loving people. Sometimes it’s good to be close, but not very close, otherwise psychological crowding arises and there is no space for the development of each partner. One oak tree does not grow in the shade of another. When one person says to another: “I can’t live without you,” it sounds very romantic, “like in the movies,” but it is not love. This may sound harsh, but I must say that this is parasitism of one personality on another. Love is the free choice of two people to live together, while each partner can live alone.
If it were easy to get rid of love addiction, a good half of the literature, art, songs and romances would probably not exist in the world. And yet, each of us chooses for ourselves - to suffer and suffer with or without reason or to be free. <…>
Women who are “lucky” in love
Based on my medical and life experience, I tried to identify those qualities that help a woman build reliable and sustainable intimate relationships. In other words, a woman “lucky” in love is characterized by approximately the following features:
1. She accepts herself entirely, even if she strives to change something about herself. Her attitude towards herself is based on love and respect, she constantly takes care of this and supports it. Such a woman values herself and does not seek relationships to maintain self-esteem.
2. She perceives others as they are, without trying to change them or adapt them to her needs.
3. She does not renounce her attitude to any aspect of life, including sexual feelings, and does not suppress either “negative” or “positive” emotions.
4. She cares about the development of every facet of herself: her personality, beliefs and spiritual aspirations, intellectual interests and achievements, her appearance.
5. Her self-esteem is high enough that she enjoys being around men who are good for her just the way they are. She doesn't need to be needed by anyone to feel like she's a worthy person.
6. She allows herself to be open and trusting with some people. Such a woman is not afraid of people getting to know her deeply, but she also does not allow herself to be exploited by people who are not interested in her well-being.
7. She thinks about her relationships this way: “How good is this relationship for me? Do they help me grow? Are they allowing me to be who I can be?”
8. If the relationship brings her only troubles and destroys her personality, she can say: “Let her leave” - and at the same time does not fall into despair. She has a circle of supportive friends, healthy, deep interests in life, which allows her to survive the crisis.
9. She knows how to protect herself, her health, her well-being. She is not attracted to intense struggle in relationships, drama, chaos.
10. She knows that sustainable, growing, healthy relationships are created between partners with similar values, interests and goals. In them, each partner is able to achieve intimacy. Such a woman also knows that she is worthy of the best that life has to offer her.
So, the main thing is not to quarrel with yourself, accept yourself, improve yourself (and not others!), and then you will be able to build intimate relationships.
Women who are “unlucky” in love
Why, why are good, attentive, devoted women chronically unlucky? I asked this question at the beginning of the book and I think about it constantly. Women themselves are not to blame for this. And even the circumstances of the meeting with the partner have nothing to do with it.
What is more important is what kind of childhood they had, what kind of relationships were established in the parental family. These are the characteristics that usually distinguish those women who are unlucky in love:
1. They often come from dysfunctional (unhealthy) families in which their emotional needs were not met. For example, the father or mother was an alcoholic.
2. Women who have been little cared for begin to fill their unsatisfied need for attention with increased care for someone, especially a man with a difficult life, a man who is in great need of help and care. They become their wives, nannies and mothers. Their “calling” is to save.
3. Since in childhood our heroines failed to turn one or both parents into a caring, loving mother and father, in adulthood they are attracted to emotionally unavailable men, whom they try to “change” with their boundless love.
4. Having experienced the horror of childhood rejection, these women do everything possible to prevent the breakdown of the relationship with the man they love.
5. They do not stop at any expenditure of time, effort and even money if these investments “help” the man they love.
6. Having become accustomed to the lack of love in the parental family, they are ready to wait as long as they want, hope and do everything possible to please their chosen one.
7. Our heroines are ready to take on much more than fifty percent of the blame and responsibility in any relationship.
8. These women have very low self-esteem, and deep down they do not believe that they deserve to be happy. Rather, they are convinced that they must still earn the right to enjoy life.
9. They have an exceptionally great need to control the behavior, feelings and thoughts of their man. They stand guard over their relationship like a sentry on duty because they lived in an environment of insecurity as children. They try to help others everywhere and in everything, to become necessary and even irreplaceable. Often such women choose so-called helping professions (medical worker, psychologist, educator, teacher, etc.).
10. In relationships, what they should be like is more important to them than the actual situation; they dream more than they live.
11. Their love and torment are very difficult for both them and their partners. This is “all-consuming and incinerating” love.
12. They may be predisposed (emotionally or genetically) to addiction to alcohol, drugs, medications, or certain types of food (for example, sweets).
13. They are attracted to people with problems who need “salvation”; they are closer to situations where chaos, uncertainty, and emotional suffering reign, while they avoid responsibility for themselves.
14. These women may have a tendency toward depressed mood, which they try to prevent by getting involved in fragile, “turbulent” relationships.
15. They are not attracted to men who are kind, stable in life, reliable and interested in them. They find them cute but boring.
