Every person has probably encountered the fact that others, wanting to know more about his life, begin to ask awkward and tactless questions, like “When will you get married?”, “Why don’t you have children yet?”, “Are you on a diet?” , “What’s your salary?”, and others. Such questions can cause confusion, because it is completely unclear how to answer them so as not to offend a person and at the same time protect your personal life from strangers. Read on to find out how best to answer awkward questions.
Uncomfortable questions from strangers
Modern man lives in society, and therefore his life, whether he wants it or not, is always “visible” not only to him and his relatives, but also to the people around him. At the same time, strangers or unfamiliar people can often go beyond the boundaries of tactful behavior and begin to ask questions that are not entirely convenient for the person, for example:
- why aren't you married yet?
- how much do you earn,
- why don't you have children,
- when you give birth to your second child,
- why do your children go or don’t go to kindergarten,
- why are you raising your child this way and not another way?
- why do you dress or look like that?
and so on. There are a large number of options for inconvenient questions, but it is good if a person is a self-sufficient person and is aware that such inconvenient questions characterize the questioner rather than the person himself. But there are also those people who attach great importance to how others evaluate them, and in their behavior they are guided not by their own opinion, but solely by the assessment of others.
In this case, the tactless question “Why are you still not married” can significantly reduce self-confidence and become the beginning of a process of soul-searching on the topic “But really, why? Maybe there's something wrong with me?
See also: How to get married, or what women men marry
It is worth noting that such awkward and tactless questions can be compared to criticism. It’s good if criticism from other people is constructive and helps you improve, but what if many have completely forgotten about the sense of tact and strive to get into your personal life with their impudent and even rude questions and “jigs”? Let's try to analyze the most popular questions and comments from “well-wishers” that confuse and spoil the mood.
Option 2: Cite the source
Very often, officials are stumped when asked about their salaries. Firstly, they don’t really want to name the amounts: whatever you name, there will definitely be a person in the hall to whom it will seem gigantic, and a person who will find it funny. And the official himself, for some, will become a “snickering rich man,” and for others, a “sold-out simpleton.”
Secondly, my experience of communicating with officials shows that many of them really do not know what amount is on their payroll. Additional allowances, bonuses, payments for overtime work are added to the base salary... And all this is extremely uncomfortable to explain to the same journalists.
So you can go the other way and say:
— You can refer to the administration website. All the income declarations of our employees, including mine, are posted there.
Questions about marriage
“Are you married yet?” - perhaps this is one of the most common uncomfortable questions. Precisely to get married, because for some reason men are extremely rarely bothered by such questions. This is understandable - after all, if a man does not marry, this is regarded as independence and some kind of peculiarity - apparently he has not yet found a worthy candidate. If a girl doesn’t get married, it means she’s somehow different, defective, since no one has yet seen in her love for the rest of her life.
Of course, the questioners don’t care deeply about the true motives of your loneliness - they ask uncomfortable questions in order to see how the expression on your face will change, how your fingers will begin to tremble nervously. It’s so nice to see for yourself and convince your opponent of his inconsistency. Yes, this is the lot of people who simply have no other ways to assert themselves, and therefore they need to be answered directly and without ceremony.
See also : How to get married after 30
Serious answer
You can answer with the phrase “For what purpose are you interested?”, and then your opponent will think about what to answer. Another option is to say that now you are more interested in your career and are completely passionate about your work. For others, this looks like a fairly “valid” reason, because everyone wants to build a good career, but only those who really give their best at work and spend maximum time on it succeed - by the way, this can also be said.
Joking answer
You can also half-jokingly complain that now it is difficult to find a worthy candidate for a husband, and you need your loved one, and not the one who first proposed. Another option is to say “I have so many candidates for husbands that I just don’t know who to choose, so I’m not getting married!”
Choose any answer you like, and do not attach importance to tactless questions about marriage. The main thing is that such questions do not undermine your self-esteem.
Witty answers to the question “Why not married”
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- Three words: trust issues!
- My only talent is the lack of relationships.
- My heart is empty and so is my wallet.
- If weirdness was measured in bricks, I'd be the Great Wall of China.
- God is still busy writing my love story.
- That's because I only like long romantic walks to the refrigerator.
- Maybe because I have a doctorate?
- My standards are higher than what I've seen lately.
- It's because I'm like the last piece of pizza. Everyone wants me, but no one dares to take me!
- Being single is much better than being married. Surveys show that there are no divorces among single people.
- Wait, let me pull out my list of answers.
- I'm not alone. I am in a relationship with myself. Everything is going great, really!
- Look, this feeling we call love is just a chemical reaction that causes animals to reproduce. Break the cycle, rise higher, focus on science!
- Maybe because I lick the plate clean after a delicious meal.
- Because obviously you need to go out and talk to people on your date. I need to make a lot of effort for this.
- A romantic relationship would seriously disrupt my daily routine.
- Getting romantically involved with someone may seem like a good idea, but sailing on the Titanic seemed like a great adventure.
Questions about why there are no children
“Why haven’t you had children yet?” - this question is simply a scourge for married couples who, for one reason or another, simply cannot yet have heirs. Or for women over twenty-five years old. In any case, almost everyone around is sure that after the wedding children should be born almost immediately, and childless ladies after a certain age are clearly not friendly at all.
If you don’t have children simply because you don’t want them yet, then rest assured that your answers will not convince your interlocutor; in his head he already has a version that is much more interesting than yours. Therefore, the optimal answer would be a direct response question - what does the questioner have to do with this situation?
See also: Single mother with a child - tips for your personal life
Answer options
If you don’t want or can’t answer such a tactless question sharply, like “What do you care?”, you can answer with more general phrases like “I’ll always have time”, “Everything has its time.” They will allow you to answer questions about children without making excuses or laying out unnecessary details. Another option is to ask the question yourself: “When will everyone stop asking?”
If you have health problems in this area, then it is better to remain silent about it if you do not want unnecessary gossip about yourself. More detailed answer options - “For now, my husband and I decided to live for ourselves / see the world / build a career” will be useful if you see that the person is not a gossip, and he is just interested in how you are doing. In other cases, it is better not to dwell on this topic and answer with the general phrases given above.
Are you planning to go on maternity leave?
This question is usually asked to girls applying for responsible positions that require complete immersion in work. And even if you dream of having a child in the near future, reporting to your employer is not at all necessary. However, how can they prove that they are ready to put their lives on the altar of work by talking about their career plans for the next five years.
The answer to this question needs to be rather streamlined. For example: “My husband and I are not planning to have children in the near future, but you understand that predicting the appearance of children is quite difficult.” This way you will bypass the provocative question and be completely honest if the presence of children is the determining factor in this company for a positive decision on hiring.
Questions about losing weight
“Why did you get so fat/lose weight?”, or “When will you get better/lose weight?” - the most common options for questions on this topic. Here is one woman's account of how she reacts to such insensitive questions:
“My sister has had an increased metabolism since childhood; she can eat anything and still stay at her fifty kilograms. With her height of 1.80 m, she, of course, looks a little inharmonious, but she can’t change that. And almost every person with whom she communicates daily (!) considers it their duty at least once a week to focus their attention on the fact that she “needs to get married - everyone gets better after marriage, maybe she will gain weight.”
See also: Beneficial properties of vegetables and fruits
Needless to say how “pleasant” this is to hear. I myself recovered after the birth of my child, and I had a hormonal imbalance, thanks to which I grew in width even from water. Of course, almost everyone I knew, seeing me, exclaimed: “You’ve gained weight!” Of course, I myself had no way of knowing about this, and kind people simply opened my eyes.
Fortunately, my husband was next to me all the time, who answered for me that I was beautiful no matter how much I weigh. Of course, many immediately tried to turn everything into a joke. Now, remembering all this, I am convinced that the surest way to fend off the tactlessness of such a question/exclamation is to make it clear that your attractiveness does not suffer at all from this, and you love yourself just like that.”
How to respond to a tactless question about weight loss
In this case, it is indeed very good if you have a close person next to you - a friend, relative, husband, sister, etc., to take your side and answer the tactless person that you look beautiful and wonderful. But this, of course, does not always happen.
If you are well-bred enough, then it will be difficult for you to answer a person with the same unpleasant question (in the style of “Why do you have a couple of extra pounds?”), but remaining silent is not an option, since after a while you will reproach yourself , how come you didn’t figure out what to answer and just remained silent.
See also: How to choose a good husband from several candidates
Joking answer
In this case, you can turn on your sense of humor if you are sure that the interlocutor will appreciate it and this will not lead to a new batch of questions. Another answer is to say that you personally are happy with everything about your appearance and you are not going to change anything about it.
Another popular tactless question from this series: “Why don’t you eat the first/second/third, are you losing weight?” Maybe you just don't want to eat, maybe you just don't like the dish, or you're really on a diet. What to answer in this case?
You can jokingly say, “I’m training my willpower,” “Who eats such beauty, you need to admire it,” or something more practical, for example, “I have a fitness training in two hours, I don’t want to eat too much,” “I just I recently had a big lunch/breakfast/dinner.”
Humor is buzz
You need to understand the situation where you can answer with humor, and where you can briefly put your interlocutor in his place.
Let's turn on humor: Why do you dress so poorly/provocatively/not nicely? - So how should it be? I see you are a famous fashion designer, will you come to work with me as a stylist for food?
To all personal and intimate questions: Did I understand you correctly that my personal life is a priority for your life values?
Questions about raising children
Issues concerning children can be very diverse. Above we examined the situation when uncomfortable questions are asked about the absence of children. And here we’ll talk about the situation when you already have children, but those around you are very interested in your methods of education and development, and also hint that you do not pay too much attention to your children and do not cope particularly well with the role of a parent.
As someone rightly noted, those who don’t have children of their own, or who have grown up long ago, are the best at raising children. For example, questions like “Why haven’t you sent your son to kindergarten yet?” or “Why don’t you take him to sports/painting/music?” can be very annoying if you have children. In fact, what right do other people have to decide what is best for YOUR child?
See also: What to do if your child is shy?
Why do they ask such questions?
All families are different, the children in them, accordingly, are also different from each other, and only you can decide how to study and what to teach your child. Even if it is, according to competent experts from the playground, wrong. People of all ages are susceptible to tactlessness in relation to other people's children and their upbringing, but most often these are people who are much older than you.
Of course, not all of their advice and questions are aimed at discrediting you as a parent in the eyes of others, and some are worth listening to. However, more often than not, dissatisfaction with your parenting methods arises not from the fact that they really contradict all conceivable and inconceivable social norms, but because when your opponent raised his children, everything was wrong. That is, this is not even a complaint, but a manifestation of envy, or something.
Serious answer
Of course, it’s a shame when twenty or thirty years ago you raised children without diapers, computers and multicookers, and now mothers can take time for themselves thanks to innovations. If comments like “Why are you playing these cartoons for him, in our time we grew up without anything” come from your parents and relatives, and you are sure that they do not want to offend or prick you, the easiest way is to agree on everything. “Yes, Mommy, you’re right - our generation of parents has become completely lazy, I can’t imagine how you raised me. You are a heroine! – such an answer will immediately end the dialogue.
See also: Speech development in children - useful tips for parents
How to respond to insensitive questions about children
If, for example, your distant friend is sarcastically interested, they say, why else doesn’t your son talk, and at the same time cites as an example your child’s peers who already know some words and phrases - do not be offended. Firstly, because resentment will force you to look for shortcomings in your child, which is completely unacceptable.
And secondly, if you make it clear that you are hurt or offended by someone’s words, it means that someone has achieved their goal: they have thrown you off balance and shown your failure as a parent. Therefore, such a tactless question should not cause you a wave of indignation or other strong emotions. Just realize that the questioner's motives relate to his personal problems rather than yours.
To all awkward, tactless questions about children and unfounded claims, you can answer that you are raising a future genius using the methods of a famous children's doctor and psychologist (make up your own last name) and are extremely surprised that your interlocutor has not heard of him.
See this: How to teach a child to play independently
Answer options
In general, you can answer tactless questions about raising children: “I do this because I think it’s necessary,” refer to the opinion of famous children’s doctors or psychologists on this issue, or even listen to your opponent’s arguments, nod and do everything as you think. necessary. There is no point in convincing anyone about raising children, and there is no need to do so.
This is your child, you are personally responsible for his upbringing, and not some stranger with his own “authoritative” opinion (which, by the way, in reality may not be as correct as she thinks).
Option 5. Answer general to specific or specific to general
The answers constructed according to this scheme look very convincing. They show that you are in control of the situation, and to a much greater extent than the person asking the question.
Let’s say the question is private: “When will trees be planted in our block of new buildings?”
You give a private answer, and then rise to the general level and compare, for example, the degree of greening of your city and the neighboring one - of course, in favor of yours. Or you tell how many trees were planted throughout the city this year, and how many will be next year.
If you are asked a general question, for example: “Why is there so little greenery in our city?” - start with general figures and compare your city with the neighboring one, and end with a specific example: a microdistrict of new buildings, where just yesterday an alley of young linden trees was planted.
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Questions about appearance
Another category of tactless questions are questions regarding changes in appearance. “Why did you cut your hair?” – a seemingly completely harmless question. But often there is a hidden message behind it that the new haircut doesn’t suit you at all. The same goes for the questions “Why did you dye your hair?” and “Who recommended this hair color/haircut to you?”
If you suddenly suspect that such a question was asked with the aim of later announcing that the change of image was unsuccessful for you, prevent this immediately with your answer. The easiest way is to laugh it off - “This is the latest fashion, and you just need to follow it.”
If the persistent interlocutor is not satisfied with the answer and continues to find out some background in the changes in your appearance, answer him in the same way: “Why don’t you cut your hair?” Most likely, this will help cool down the ardor of your interlocutor, hinting to him that his appearance is far from ideal.
Mirroring method
The technique is to return to the interlocutor the question he asked. Ask again in such a way that your counterpart feels uncomfortable for his curiosity. Begin your sentence with the words: “I understand that...”. The end of the phrase depends on whether you want to communicate with this person in the future. Don't be afraid to assert your privacy.
Example: - Are you divorcing your wife? - I understand that you like to stick your nose into things that aren’t your own business?
Or:
— I understand that your main problem today is the circumstances of my personal life?
The answer should be spoken politely and calmly. An icy tone and a raised eyebrow in surprise will cool the insatiable curiosity of your counterpart.
Salary questions
“How much do you earn?” is a fairly common uncomfortable question that you hear from people around you. In general, asking such things is in itself a manifestation of incivility. Of course, if your close people are interested in the size of your salary, then they are probably driven only by the desire to be aware of your affairs so that there is no reason to worry. But often this question is a consequence of envy or a desire to gossip.
If they ask, for example, how much your spouse earns, it’s enough to simply answer that your husband is unlikely to be happy that this issue is being discussed by you without him. What is noteworthy is that men receive questions about the size of their wife’s salary much less frequently than women about their husband’s salary.
See also: 5 useful ways to save money
Options for answering salary questions
If the question is asked specifically about the amount of payment for your work, then you have no reason to be frank. If you earn a lot, it will definitely become the subject of gossip. If it’s not enough, then, again, they will start gossiping that you are either cheating or living from hand to mouth, with such and such a salary.
It is best to answer such a question with a joke in the style of “This is a trade secret” or “I may pay a fine for disclosing this information, so I’m sorry.” You can also answer something like “It’s a secret, I’m not asking you how much you earn.” At the same time, you need to answer calmly, without challenge or negative emotions, simply stating the fact that if you respect the personal boundaries of another person and do not ask such tactless questions, then he should behave accordingly.
And you certainly shouldn’t talk specifically about the amount of your salary, even if it is small and you want to make it clear to your interlocutor that you are honest and frank with him. This will not bring anything good to your relationship, because firstly, you are not obliged to report this to strangers (as well as to friends), secondly, a person may start gossiping about it, and thirdly, asking about it is easy It's impolite, and a tactful person would never ask such a question.
Close topic
Agree, if your 80-year-old grandmother asks the question “Do you have a boyfriend?”, you cannot answer rudely by telling her to close the topic. Instead, you will find more delicate and soft words. Every person treats adults condescendingly.
But from strangers, this question is incredibly annoying and emotionally draining. The next time they ask you about having a partner, tell them that you want the topic to be closed and not discussed again.
Questions about mutual friends
“How is Tatyana doing there?” — questions about third parties cannot but irritate, unless, of course, you are asked about how your sister is doing, who flew to Australia and maintains contact with mutual acquaintances exclusively through you. A mutual friend/acquaintance could easily ask such a tactless question.
If you understand that a person hopes to hear some gossip from you, then with a calm soul, allow yourself to simply not continue discussing this topic. If they ask about your friend or good acquaintance, you can answer that you know nothing about the details of his life. But in this case, they may simply not believe you and continue asking uncomfortable questions.
You can say something like: “I communicate with her (him) no better than you.” You can invite the interlocutor to call the person he is interested in and directly ask how she is doing. In any case, you should not stoop to gossip and “washing the bones” of mutual friends. In addition, there is one wonderful saying that is worth remembering when communicating with such a person - “He who gossips with you gossips about you.”
There are so many of them
There are a large number of techniques for handling provocative and incorrect questions, and now we will analyze the most effective ones. Since people who mind their own business need to be put in their place, and annoying relatives simply need to be confused, then the answers will be appropriate.
The main thing in your answers should be one of the following rules:
- Returning the “ball” to the questioner.
- Changing the framework (frame) or vector of the dialogue in the direction you need.
- The desire to break off communication with an opponent who is not convenient for you.
- From specific to general.
Questions about alcohol
“Why don’t you drink? Are you sick? If you are tired of questions at parties and corporate events about why you don’t drink, and whether you are sick, you should not immediately refute this assumption by drinking a few glasses of strong drinks. A good way to stop questioning is to simply ask, “Why?” Almost no one can answer why you need to drink.
Of course, some will try to answer something like “Well, you need to relax,” to which you can always answer that you don’t have to use anything to relax. If you are confident in yourself, you can answer such a question “I just don’t want to, that’s all,” without going into further explanations and justifications as to why. And in fact, this is your personal business, and you are absolutely not obliged to make excuses for this to strangers.
Summary
As you can hear from the above, there is nothing difficult in learning how to respond to stupid questives. It just takes practice to become automatic. By the way! It will be relevant for you to remember our conversation about improvisation on this topic. I think everyone has their own preparations for fighting clingy and narrow-minded people. For example, due to the nature of my work, I have to deal with a very different contingent of clients, plus constant calls from some “managers” who want to rub something in our company, so I have developed my own algorithm for confronting these “zombies”
