Communication in human society is a complex process formed over millennia of evolution. We constantly build relationships with different people, but they do not always develop easily and naturally. We all have at least one “difficult person” to deal with. These relationships can become a source of pain, stress and disappointment... ⠀ This longread consists of three sequential interconnected parts. In Part 1, you will learn about six general types of “difficult people.” The second is about how the skills you gain through meditation can help you choose more effective strategies for communicating with them. In the third part, we’ll talk about tougher, but sometimes the only possible options for interacting with difficult interlocutors.
Complainant
There is always “something wrong” with them. The surrounding events, things and people are never good enough. Complainers express their disappointment with every little thing. They are driven by dissatisfaction. In extreme cases, they become whiners or victims. They want you to listen to their grievances and agree with them. When you spend time with a complainer, all you do is create negative feelings.
Antagonist
Antagonists are aggressive, assertive and always ready for confrontation. Some of them experience intolerance or hostility towards certain groups of people. Sexism, racism, homophobia - this is about them.
Sometimes their behavior is dictated by personal hostility towards the interlocutor, but most often the problem is not with him. Antagonists are like a boiling cauldron of anger and disappointment, and they simply dump it on whoever happens to be next to them. Antagonists are easily irritated and like to blame or attack other people. In extreme cases, these are bullies who deliberately want to cause you pain, including moral pain.
The more "mature" version of the antagonist acts civilized on the outside, but expresses his true feelings through passive-aggressive speech and sarcasm. When interacting with an antagonist, you may experience anger and a feeling that you have become a victim of injustice. The key driving emotions of this type are anger and disgust.
Narcissus
This story - the story of our World - is about narcissists, and they want you to understand it. They love to talk about their achievements, travels, successes and acquisitions. They brim with self-confidence. They crave your attention and admiration. Talking to a narcissist often feels disgusting and superficial. It can leave you with the false feeling that your life is bland, boring and uninteresting.
Mr/Mrs Perfection
You've definitely met them. Their opinion is the only correct one, or at least the most accurate. They truly believe that they are better than you - be it intelligence, material success, personal development, or anything else. They hide their shortcomings, have difficulty apologizing or admitting mistakes, and always push forward even the slightest success. What do they secretly want? Your recognition, admiration, and sometimes humility.
They constantly judge and compare. This type can manifest itself as a moralist, a purist, a possessor of elitist knowledge, or simply a braggart. In communication, they adhere to their unshakable and “truly true” opinion. Arrogant. They use rational arguments and use a condescending tone to point out the insignificance of your arguments, and therefore the insignificance of yourself. Talking to Mr./Mrs. Perfection can make you doubt yourself, your good qualities and competencies. As if you are still small and unintelligent.
Manipulator
They will do whatever it takes to achieve their goals, even if that includes manipulating your emotions. They are driven by selfishness. They can be quite qualified and intelligent individuals - goal-oriented, observant, charming, with good emotional intelligence and communication skills. But in “severe” cases these are psychopaths and sociopaths.
Playwright
They have a habit of turning small disappointments into huge disasters and reacting hyper-emotionally to trivial things. This may be accompanied by blaming others, exaggerated speech, generalizations, pessimism, paranoia, and even vindictive behavior.
Their moods are volatile, and they expect you to indulge them and engage in their dramatic monologues. If you don't give it, they will do everything to make you feel bad. “Try my pain, oh unfortunate one!!!”
They want your attention, emotional support and your ears. But spending time with them is tiring, they seem to drain your energy.
How does meditation help?
In meditation, you can cultivate practical skills for effective communication with the types of people described above. As your practice grows, you will discover amazing patterns. For example, what works during meditation can be transposed into your daily life. This means interacting with people, including difficult ones. First, let's briefly outline the strategies themselves:
- Get into the habit of pausing before reacting, and taking a few breaths before reacting, paying attention to your body.
- Use your attention. Be an involved and active listener. Ask the necessary questions to get to the root of the problem.
- Compassion. Understand your interlocutor deeper than his verbal “insinuations.”
- If all of the above does not work, use conscious opposition. Don't let yourself be pulled deeper into this whirlpool. This story is not about you. Tough enough, if necessary, bring the conversation to its logical conclusion and interrupt this toxic contact.
Of course, all this is easier said than done. But over time, by cultivating certain qualities in yourself, you will be able to experience the fruits of your diligence. Now let's figure out where meditation is in all this and what qualities it helps us develop.
Equanimity
Equanimity is the beginning, middle and end of all these exercises. This is your armor, which can be acquired or strengthened through practice.
This means that your limbic system is under your control and that the prefrontal cortex is in charge of this hormonal extravaganza. It is this quality that will allow you to react here and now more consciously and less reactively. And we train this in meditation. Without this armor you are naked. In this case, the game will always take place on your opponent's field. With equanimity, you can be present and fully involved, but detached. You can see things as they are. Pure perception.
And when you find yourself interacting with a difficult person, the first step is to pause and take a deep breath. To react means to give the ball to the opponent.
Pay attention to your body, posture, muscles around the eyes, mouth, fingers. Find the voltage. Relax this area. To do this, give yourself a few seconds to immerse yourself in your body, calm your breathing and assess the situation. Stopping this may require some courage, since the other person is likely accustomed to immediate reactions. This pause shows that you are grounded and the situation is not out of your control. You are truly aware of what is happening.
This is a nonverbal message to the opponent:
- To the complainant: “It doesn’t matter.”
- To the antagonist: “I am not intimidated.”
- To Narcissist: “I don’t play your games.”
- To perfection: “I’m not impressed.”
- To the manipulator: “You can’t use me, I control everything.”
- To the playwright: “I don’t buy it.”
Equanimity means you don't have to defend yourself. You are present, calm, fearless, and your mind is clear. A tiger walking through the jungle never defends himself because he knows that he has nothing to fear. This is the type of confidence that equanimity brings.
Equanimity is a direct product of regular meditation practices, both formal and informal. When you meditate, you practice equanimity whenever you do not get involved in various thoughts that give rise to various emotions, but instead return your attention to the object of meditation, without judgment, without judgment and with kindness. Or in Metta meditation, when we reach a moment with a difficult person.
Also in Loving-Kindness (Metta) meditation we cultivate equanimity’s sister – compassion. After all, without it, we will not be able to feel a sense of belonging to the experiences of another person and the desire to help him in his suffering.
Compassion
Most difficult people are driven by negative emotions. Whether they realize it or not, these negative emotions make them suffer. There is so much pain and confusion in them that it overflows their cup and spills out onto other people.
Understand that the difficult person in front of you is most likely hurt. Or he is very tightly in his blinders, with limited views on life, in which there is no place for self-knowledge. And they need help, not punishment.
Compassion is the foundation of conflict resolution. By putting ourselves in their shoes, we feel compassion. And we can truly understand the universal human nature of this suffering. Our anger and frustration about a particular situation decreases and we can remain calm.
How can you put yourself in the other person's shoes? Imagine yourself for a moment in his/her place. Imagine that you have gone through everything that the person in front of you has. Allow yourself to see the world as he/she sees it. Try to really be in their life circumstances and feel what they feel.
You can do this exercise right now or at home as part of a loving-kindness meditation session. This is a powerful practice for developing emotional intelligence and empathy. It will change the way you see other people. You will be less irritated by their behavior and will feel better about your judgments of them.
Sincere attentiveness to the interlocutor
Communication is an important honor of human life and the existence of human society. Communication can make or break a relationship, marriage, company or country. Therefore, there is a huge difference between “I can speak” and “I can communicate.”
If you bring your full attention, equanimity and compassion to your interactions with others, then such conscious communication will become much easier and more effective for everyone.
Mindful communication must be calm, clear, fairly honest and compassionate. This is not about “who is rightest here”, but about a constructive exchange of views. Even if these opinions are different. This also means avoiding destructive communication patterns such as sarcasm, cynicism, and banter.
Here are some examples and recommendations for such communication:
- Instead of attacking the complainer or antagonist, try to bring him into a constructive dialogue: “What do you suggest?”
- When talking to the Dramatist or Perfectionist, ask them questions that encourage them to reconsider their point of view and see for themselves what they are missing.
- To dispel anger or an unshakable point of view, say, “Hmm, let's rewind a little and think again, maybe you're right.”
- Open up a perspective for him: “Let’s think again, what options there might be?”
- Avoid using “absolute words” such as never, always, every time, all, no way, exactly, etc.
To practice mindful communication, you need active listening and self-awareness. Active listening means paying undivided attention to what the person is saying, instead of thinking about what you will say next. And you show that you're listening through eye contact, body language, nods, and verbal feedback. In other words, the interlocutor must see that he is heard and understood. Self-awareness is essential for you to think before you speak and to be mindful of your words, tone of voice, and their impact on the listener.
Mindful communication is based on equanimity, presence in the moment and compassion. This is not necessarily sweet and kind communication - it can be confrontation, but skillful and conscious confrontation. But when conscious communication does not help, we will need to destroy the stereotypes and attitudes of the other person, or clearly indicate our boundaries (remember that equanimity and compassion are always at the core).
What does it mean to be difficult?
What does it mean to be difficult? How are complex people different from everyone else, and is it really such a good thing to be complicated? Essentially, it’s about allowing myself to be in full contact with what’s happening to me and around me!
This is openness to your reactions, emotional experiences, sensations. To be complex is not to repress or deny their presence, but to recognize and give space for manifestation. Being under external social pressure, we sometimes succumb to the persuasion of society and try to simplify our feelings and emotions. We convince ourselves that everything you feel is unimportant and secondary. But do you agree with this?
Agree, after a hard stressful day you can collapse on the sofa with one single desire that no one touches you. And the slightest trouble with a child or husband can infuriate, irritate, and break out in screams. And all because there was no opportunity to have lunch due to many things to do. They didn’t want to spoil the relationship with their boss and steadfastly withstood all the negativity that he poured out on you. We learned that salaries would be delayed. And in an effort to be simpler and not stand out, you silently swallowed all the grievances of the day.
Or you could take care of yourself. Say that it is unacceptable to speak to you in such a tone. Share with someone throughout the day what is bothering you. And when you come home, ask for some time to recover. This is fine. A healthy person protects his boundaries, talks about what suits him and what doesn’t.
Thus, you do not deny that you may have difficulties, unpleasant experiences, and may not have the strength after a busy day to be included, resourceful and available for interaction. You recognize all the multifaceted processes that happen to you and in your life. You designate them and pronounce them. This makes the process of reconciliation with yourself and the world around much easier.
When nothing else helps...
Some of you may think that meditation, mindfulness, and mindfulness are about being sweet, meek and passive. In reality, meditation can develop the ability to be more calm and compassionate, but at the same time, the practice unlocks your inner superpowers. Willpower, for example, when you need to be firm and assertive. Not out of rage or hatred towards the interlocutor, but out of respect for oneself and one’s own boundaries.
We can use our power to primarily protect ourselves when aggression is initiated by the other side. Does it sound like the philosophy of martial arts? And my task in this case is to identify such possibilities. Whether or not to use the strategies described in this part of the article is up to you. Be conscious when passing content through yourself.
Interrupt
Each of us has by now developed our own patterns of behavior, communication and thinking. It is important to understand that the difficult person standing in front of you is also “stuck” in his patterns. Sometimes people are so attached to them that they simply cannot see beyond their prejudices. You try to be compassionate and communicate mindfully, but it doesn't work and the situation escalates.
If this is the case, then one of two things will happen: either the other person will pull you into their black hole, or you will destroy their pattern. The first scenario does not promise you anything positive. But the decision to disrupt the patterns of a difficult interlocutor through aggression—for example, by being louder, angrier, or rude—can lead to disastrous consequences.
You and I, as meditation practitioners, can use our engaged presence, grit, and willpower to change the conversation without resorting to aggression. I offer three ways to do this, from the most passive to the most assertive. They all require a certain degree of courage.
Buddha Statue Method
If you simply remain yourself, remain calm, and outwardly show absolutely no emotional reaction to the other person's behavior, he will eventually understand this. You can't talk to a Buddha statue for too long without realizing that it won't respond. This way you interrupt the other person without doing anything specific.
At the next “difficulty level,” you can look calmly in the eyes when a difficult person is speaking and remain calm. Meditation with open eyes, for example, on a candle, can help you with this.
And if it were a game, the most emotionally involved player will lose. Ultimately, a person's aggression is reflected back on himself. He gets frustrated and finally leaves. And, most importantly, you spent virtually no energy on it!
Socratic method
Socrates was known as a great debater and his technique was very interesting. Instead of making statements, he asked a lot of questions, gradually getting people to agree with all his points. The idea behind this technique is to take back control of your interaction by asking the other person pointed questions that will force them to see things from a different perspective and question their behavior.
As the conversation progresses, be as specific as possible in your questions to get to the core problem, because it is often different from what it seems on the surface. So spend your energy asking more questions rather than focusing on what the person says. Do this in a calm voice and with genuine curiosity.
When using this technique, you may notice that people try to avoid answering your questions and simply return to their negativity. They may claim that the question doesn't make sense. In any case, if you calmly stick to your line, they will eventually back down and look for someone else to dump all their mental garbage on.
The Sex Pistols Method
Ok, here is a complex example. And the above doesn't work. Then we put on a mohawk, pick up a megaphone and smack the truth in the opponent’s face... it’s a joke, of course, but in this case you’ll have to quite directly expose what the opponent may not notice and expose what he sincerely believes in. It's like putting a mirror in front of him - look at yourself, it's you, and that's who you are.
This method can be useful when the other person is passive-aggressive or talks down to you. They are so cunning, they think they are hiding in the dark and throw pebbles at you, so when you shine a spotlight on them, their stupidity is exposed. Now they are busy trying to defend or justify their position.
Here are some examples of such opposition:
- I can see from your condescending comment that you sincerely believe this.
- Are you saying that your path is the only right one?
- From your complaints, I get the impression that you've given this a lot of thought. And in the end, what did you come to?
- Look, I understand perfectly well that I am not on the list of people you like. You still emphasize this in every possible way. But we need to work together and work effectively. So be professional. What do you think about this?
And if you have calculated the manipulator:
- I see perfectly well what you want to achieve (in principle, after these words you can safely leave).
- Looks like our thespian is performing for an encore tonight, doesn't it?
Yes, of course, we can soften our speech and our message depending on the circumstances, the personality of your interlocutor and what you yourself want to get from the dialogue. But one way or another, if you want to maintain contact, your main goal is for the other person to become more aware when talking with you.
WHAT QUALITY OF LIFE DO YOU CHOOSE?
In principle, life is simple. Born, graduated, went to work, got married, had children, retired, died.
The question is different, what quality of life will you have? Will you be satisfied with the result at the end? Will you make your own decisions or those of others? Do you make a choice yourself or under pressure from someone or something? Do you choose to be simple or complex people?
How old are you now? 20? thirty? 40? 50? Maybe more.
How much is left? 20? thirty? 40? 50? Or again more.
There is a good exercise to realize how you generally live and what the meaning of your life is.
You need to take a piece of paper, draw a segment on it, divide it into equal parts (you can have 8, you can have 4, you can have more or less, it’s not that important). The segment is your life. The average age is taken to be 80. It turns out that more is gorgeous, less, but what to do...
If you divide the segment into 8 parts, then each part is 10 years.
Next, you mark the point where you are now.
For example, I am 32 years old. I am between the 3rd and 4th segments of my life.
At this moment, I did this, I achieved this, I have this.
But there are still 4+ segments ahead. And I want to do this, achieve this and get this as a result...
This exercise helps you look at your life from the outside and discard illusions about having a lot of time and your endless abilities. It is very useful to mentally transport yourself to the last part of your life and imagine how you want to see the result of your life.
This exercise personally gives me an extra kick when I start to feel blue. You need to understand that physical strength decreases with age and you need to prepare in advance for the moment of “retirement”.
Such calm planning of life personally gives me a sense of movement. And movement is life.
Planning for the next segment of the straight line can be especially fruitful. For example, in 10 years I want to have this, for this I need to do this in three years and this in 7 years.
Then, in order to achieve this in 3 years, you need to do this and this.
Review and adjust at some intervals. And of course you celebrate your small and big achievements.
Write down your achievements on the list and here is a ready-made tool for raising your self-esteem. I wrote about this in more detail in the article “I’m proud of you, and you?”
This kind of analytical work requires the mind. Sober, calm and free.
Building borders
If mindful communication based on compassion does not work... If trying to directly shift the conversation or break the other person's patterns does not work... Then the only thing left is to firmly assert your reinforced concrete boundaries. Of course, only if you don't want to let the person twist you into ropes. To put an end to the conversation, you need to take the situation into your own hands. This is a story about both self-compassion and compassion for your interlocutor, because allowing him to continue in the same spirit means not giving him the opportunity to think about his pattern of behavior.
Here are some examples of ending the dialogue (from softer to harsher):
- Look, I feel like we haven't gotten anywhere with our conversation. Let's just sleep with these thoughts and continue another time.
- I have to stop you right now. Looks like you've had a rough day today. I'm really sorry, but I don't have time for this right now.
- I don't want to be involved in these types of conversations anymore. Can you hear the buzzer? This is a signal to stop the train. And I'll get off at this station. Bye!
When completing communications in this way, remember that this is your decision and you take responsibility for it. Just like when you take responsibility for your attention during meditation practice, in moments when it eludes you.
Support this intention with confident and open body language and a firm voice. In the future, if necessary, you can deliberately not maintain contact with such a person. It is also an assertion of your boundaries.
Instead of an epilogue
We all have to deal with difficult people. And these contacts are, in a way, opportunities for our personal growth and testing the effectiveness of our mindfulness practices, as well as our ability to let go. Difficult people can give us the opportunity to notice and consider what we still need to work on. By touching us, they bring our hidden pain points to light so that we can explore them and do the necessary work to further transform. And the key practice is to develop equanimity and compassion. These two qualities are useful in all types of human interaction. When they are present, then even in difficult communication miracles can happen. Well, if your chosen strategies fail, it will be better for everyone if you interrupt such conversation or assert your boundaries... with compassion and equanimity.
One way or another, each of us has had and will have our own experience of such interactions, and we often make the choice of behavior model “here and now.” It is to ensure that this choice is conscious and not reactive that we practice meditation.
From theory to practice in one click
To be complex is to know your desires and preferences
Being complex means knowing your desires and preferences. A person who strives for self-knowledge, development and diversity must understand what is acceptable to him and what will not be so under any circumstances. Our desires, preferences, tastes form our attachments in everything that surrounds us (things, smells, various sensations, people). Attachments give us additional joy from what is valuable and important to us. Endowed with special value and importance, they become loved, only by ours. And, therefore, they carry special meanings and meanings!
