An emergency situation—a disaster or a terrorist attack—occurs suddenly and people are often not prepared for it. In an instant, life changes dramatically. The loss of loved ones or their acquired disability is a serious challenge in which the risk of developing post-traumatic symptoms is high. Families whose loved ones have suffered can be helped by people without special education, but who sincerely want to help.
“Taki Dela” talked to psychologists about how to support relatives in moments of crisis.
Medical and psychological service employee
Photo: Egor Aleev / TASS
When does a person need help?
A person who has lost a loved one may experience symptoms of an acute stress disorder within two to three weeks after a tragic event: sleep is disturbed, tearfulness and irritability increase, and the emotional background fluctuates greatly. This condition often requires constant monitoring, Denis Yukhnenko, a psychologist at the Department of Extreme Psychology at Moscow State University, told TD.
If symptoms persist for more than a month, you should once again consult a specialist: a psychologist or psychiatrist. Also, according to the expert, in the first year after the loss of a loved one, the risk of suicidal behavior increases. Especially when memorial dates associated with the deceased are approaching. This primarily happens to people who have demonstrated it in the past.
It's hard to lose your friends
Friendship awakens strong feelings in a person: brotherhood, unity, community, respect, pride when meeting a worthy person. In addition, people often appear among friends who are much closer in spirit to their blood relatives. This explains why the pain intensity of the loss of such a person is higher than after the death of a sibling or even a father/mother (in some cases). In modern society, it is not customary to discuss the death of loved ones. If a friend happens to die, they usually do not pay attention to such a loss at all, equating it to something small and insignificant.
In fact, the grieving person still feels grief, despite generally accepted principles. It is a property of the soul to feel sadness when a loved one or a friend passes away, regardless of his social status. Moreover, just like with the death of a blood relative, it is impossible to make up for the loss with anything. Love for this person remains in the heart, the memory of him remains. For this reason, you need to give yourself the opportunity to grieve, despite the sometimes indifferent attitude of society towards such a loss.
Who can help?
Svetlana Yablonskaya is sure: if a person can be a support for another and does not draw attention to himself or fall into hysterics, then everyone is capable of helping in moments of crisis . Psychologist Natalya Kiselnikova writes that first psychological aid can be provided by non-professionals, but there are a number of restrictions.
According to the expert, the helper should not be part of an environment that develops psychological problems in the person in need of help. Also, during first psychological aid there should be no discriminatory attitudes, for example, based on gender, nationality, religion, or the presence of mental problems. In addition, it is important for the helper to maintain the confidentiality of the people with whom he communicates.
When it comes to supporting strangers, first of all you need to find a contact, Yablonskaya said. If he wants to tell you something, you can listen.
Practicing psychologist and specialist in autobiographical memory Anna Kray explains that in a crisis situation it is important to assess the risks and determine how suitable a person is for a conversation with another person. To understand this, you need to ask yourself the question of equality of position with someone who needs help.
If a person’s father died, what to say, how to help a friend
If you want to support someone who is coping with the loss of their father, follow these guidelines:
- if you are visited by compassion for the grieving person, share your feelings, do not hide them;
- if you want to wash away your grief with tears together with the person whose father died, cry. Just remember sincerity, this is a very important factor;
- If you are in a business relationship with a person who has suffered grief, or with someone who has left our world, then it is enough to speak warmly, but with restraint. Feel this fine line;
- Ask the bereaved person what you can do to help.
How can you support?
“When something happens that goes beyond the scope of human experience, he (a person - TD's note) feels alone. This is one of the most difficult experiences,” said Svetlana Yablonskaya.
“If we can just be there, it will be a big help.”
According to her, at the first moment of a crisis, the main thing is to be there, to ensure everyday life, you can take on household chores: wash the floor, cook food.
The psychologist explained that during periods of shock, relatives of victims often do not have the strength to act quickly, even if necessary. In such a situation, you can help them with treatment planning, collecting documents, and going to the hospital together. The expert added that if a person does not move away, you can hug him or hold his hand.
“All this requires a sympathetic heart, free time and hands,” Yablonskaya said. This helps a person understand that he is not alone, that they do not turn away from him. Help also shows non-verbally that life goes on. “If they prepare soup for me, it means I need to eat, but I eat in order to live,” Svetlana gave an example.
According to Denis Yukhnenko, if a loved one has acquired a severe disability, there are risks associated with problems and stress. Caring for a person with a disability requires additional expenses, and adaptation to new conditions requires life adjustment. In this case, it is necessary to alleviate these concerns, which will reduce their contribution to the deterioration of the psychological state, the expert advises. You can find volunteer organizations that will help with care, help financially, and take on a number of household chores.
What do Kazakhs say?
According to the rules that have been established among the Kazakhs, a mullah and close relatives always stay at the sick bed:
- the mullah reads prayer words that indicate that the person leaving earthly life is in the true faith;
- in addition, he pronounces the phrase “There is no god but Allah, Muhammad is his messenger”;
- if the patient still has strength left, he recites a kellim (a prayer that can make it easier to leave for another world) - this will indicate deep faith;
- during this, the mullah must read Surah Yasin, which is accompanied by the silence of all those present;
- According to the traditions that exist in Islam, Surah Yasin is the heart of the Koran. She brings relief to the patient’s transition from one world to another and sends down the mercy of Allah on him.
What can you talk about and what can’t you talk about?
People often turn away from those who have experienced a difficult event because they don’t know how or what to talk to them about, says Yablonskaya. “If you feel like you don't know what to say, but you want to be there to help, you need to say so,” she advises. “You don’t have to lie, people usually feel it.” You can use phrases: “I’m with you,” “I really sympathize with you.”
Psychologists agree that in a crisis situation, the first thing you need to do is listen to the person. “Suppose a person says that he feels bad, that his child is suffering. You need to listen to him and say that you heard him,” says Yukhnenko. He notes that it is important to avoid clichéd phrases from the series: “I understand you,” “It’s okay,” “It happens.” They can be replaced with phrases:
“It’s very difficult for me to understand you in this situation”, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through”, “It must be very, very difficult for you”
According to Yukhnenko, sometimes, if a parent has lost one child, they say to him: “Well, you still have a son and a daughter.” “This is terrible, such statements should be avoided,” he emphasizes. Yablonskaya says that one should also not give false consolations. Also, don't make promises: if you can't come again, false expectations can hurt. To the question “For what?” you need to answer “I don’t know,” she believes.
When a relative of a person is admitted to intensive care, he is in the unknown. “All we can do is share this experience,” says Yablonskaya. If prayer is acceptable to this person and the volunteer, they can pray together, the psychologist adds.
If a person does not talk about the details of what happened, it is better not to ask about it, Yablonskaya notes. “When we ask how they hid, where they ran, this returns the person to a traumatic situation. He or she relives it, which can cause retraumatization,” she explains. If over time a person completely pushes out a crisis situation and does not talk about it, a specialist should talk to him so that the unprocessed problem does not lead to serious consequences later.
If a person talks about events himself, he needs to be listened to, the expert continues. When you listen, don’t be afraid to periodically ask clarifying questions; sincere interest and goodwill on the part of other people makes it easier to get through difficult periods. Yukhnenko adds that one should avoid giving advice based on one’s own life experience: the situations are very different, and comparison can greatly devalue a person’s experience. At the end of the conversation, the expert advises helping the victim make a plan for the next few days: where to go, what issues to resolve.
Why support is important
Firstly, the sad news of death always pulls the rug from under your feet. A person, being in severe grief, loses his sense of reality and experiences a feeling of great loss and abandonment.
Secondly, the situation is extraordinary, and it does not happen every day. Everyone experiences it differently. Some people want to be left alone with their troubles. Some people cannot be left alone for a minute.
How to support a person during the death of a close relative, how to behave correctly, what to say? After all, relatives, friends, loved ones are also confused, and most of them do not know how to behave.
Therefore, it is important to develop the right strategy, find sincere words that are appropriate for the situation, provide real help and show humanity and delicacy.
Who is guilty?
Events associated with human violence are experienced more difficult than man-made or natural disasters, say Yukhnenko and Yablonskaya. “It is important for us to trust and maintain connections with other people. And in such situations, people turn against us,” notes Svetlana.
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Memory of Beslan
According to Anna Kray, when victims and their loved ones have a clear understanding of the external enemy, the resulting aggression can become a source for updating a person’s internal resource. People can be united by a common idea: to find the truth, to ensure that the perpetrators are punished. The expert cites as an example the association of victims of the “Mothers of Beslan” terrorist attacks. Denis Yukhnenko believes that such initiatives help cope with trauma and lead to social change.
When the image of the guilty person is blurred, computer games, cartoons, anime, Western influence, social networks, youth culture are mixed in - this trauma is difficult to overcome, Yukhnenko emphasizes. Anna notes that it is impossible to fight a blurred image. From a psychological health perspective, this is an additional risk factor.
Summary
It depends on those who surround the grieving person, on how they express condolences, how they help at this moment, whether he will survive the grief, whether he will cope with it quickly or bury it deeply to carry it inside for the rest of his life.
When you decide to provide support, do everything so that the person hears you, and not just listens. To do this, be sure to actively listen to him yourself, be sincere and empathize. Then, having accepted the grief of the weak and defenseless, you will be able to help him.
Knowing what stage of grief he is at, it will not be difficult for you to support him during the loss of a loved one and console him, recommend the right book or communicate with a person who has experienced the same grief.
Stay in touch more often, talk through any points, confidently offer help, back up your words with action, suggest a movie or song related to the loss. And gradually let him go. He needs to learn to work on himself so that a moment of light, and not bitter sadness, comes.
Introduce the grieving person to our “Diary of Memories” project. Here he will be able to post for free not only his memories or a story about the deceased, but also his photo. And those relatives or friends who visit this page at any time will have a clear idea of how glorious he was.
CREATE A MEMORIES DIARY FOR FREE
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How not to burn out?
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It is important to understand the value of help: it is important both for the one who helps and for the one being helped, says Anna Kray. For some, the purpose of help is freedom and equality, for others it is self-realization. The expert adds that helping people can benefit from supervision and support groups.
Svetlana Yablonskaya believes that first of all you need to try to help, and then observe your state: are there any flashbacks, a state of helplessness, can you switch to something else. “Trauma creates a funnel that sucks everything in,” says the psychologist. “You need to create a healing funnel next to it: make jam, watch a good movie and understand that the more resources you have, the better you can support other people.” She also advises not working with difficult situations before bed.
The first days after the tragedy
An erroneous action towards the sufferer is to try to burden him with everyday activities. Many people think that a person will forget about what happened for a while, and then completely calm down.
In reality, everything happens differently. A person, of course, can do household chores, complete assigned tasks, etc.
However, negative thoughts will only sink deeper into your consciousness. They will remind themselves constantly, as a result of which their mental state may worsen.
If you don’t want to be intrusive or you can’t provide enough attention to a person (a neighbor or work colleague), it’s enough to put support into words.
If no thoughts come to mind, you should not say: “Be strong!”, “Hold on,” “Everything will be fine.” In this case, it would be more appropriate to remain silent and simply hug the person.
Where to go for specialist help?
Denis Yukhnenko says that first of all, psychologists from the Ministry of Emergency Situations and often regional specialists come to the scene of a disaster. If you need help at home or after rescuers have completed their work on site, you can contact the psychological assistance service of the Russian Ministry of Emergency Situations. You can also get online consultation from Emergency Situations specialists.
In Moscow there is a helpline 051. There are often psychological help centers in the regions. The expert also advises contacting the “Psychologists Against Torture” project, which consists of specialists who provide free assistance: in person or online.
Svetlana Yablonskaya mentions the All-Russian free helpline for children and adolescents: 8 (800) 2000-122.
There are crisis psychologists in the non-profit organization performing the functions of a foreign agent, “Sisters”, “ANNA”, “Kitezh”.
Anna Kray explains that the aggregators “Yasno”, Alter, “Meta” mainly register psychologists who work with the consequences of trauma, although a crisis psychologist can change gears and work with a person in the moment. According to Yablonskaya, in such cases you need to look or ask whether the person has experience working with crisis situations.
