Ignoring is one of the strongest types of emotional abuse, which, unfortunately, is very often used among the closest people - between parents and children, spouses, good friends. Many women wonder if a man can love and ignore at the same time? Why do parents choose to ignore their children's needs and problems? Why do close friends not give due importance to our words and simply ignore them? Let's take a closer look at why people ignore each other, why it is so painful, and what to do in a situation where you are ignored by the person you care about.
Why do people ignore each other
In general, ignoring is a psychological manipulation, usually aimed at achieving certain goals. However, by and large, the actions of someone who ignores you are a signal of his exorbitant pride and selfishness.
Depending on how exactly the ignored person behaves, the ignorer always receives some kind of bonus. Some people are fueled by the humiliation of others, others simply love increased attention to their person. In any case, when thinking about how to ignore a person, it is very important to remember that ignoring comes back like a boomerang. Only now it will return not in the same form, but modified - as aggression, revenge, hatred.
In some cases, ignoring can serve as a salvation, and then it is completely justified. When it comes to hysterical and manipulative manifestations, then ignoring is the way to devalue the “tragedy.” However, it should be remembered that in this case, ignoring should be temporary and continue exactly until the opponent stops destructive actions directed in your direction.
Ignoring in love relationships
Women often use ignore in relationships, so it is important to know how ignoring affects a man . A man, starting a relationship with a woman, expects recognition and gratitude from her. If he tries for a woman, but she doesn’t respond, then he gets an anxious feeling, he doesn’t understand what’s wrong. It is extremely important for men to feel needed and useful. Men always remember a woman who ignores him.
Men also use ignore, and the reasons may be different. In a relationship, a man can use ignoring to get his way from a woman. If the partner does not agree to fulfill his request, then he ignores him, and often the woman, under the fear of losing her loved one, fulfills his request.
Important: It is the fear of loss that many men manipulate their chosen ones.
Why does it hurt so much if I am ignored?
The issue of being ignored would not arise in principle if people did not react to this extremely painfully. Why is it so unpleasant and offensive when we are ignored? Psychology has answers to these questions. Each person subconsciously aims for a certain belonging, recognition and empathy.
Firstly, each of us psychologically needs to be part of something larger - a team, a group, a family, a community. If a person is ignored, then he is simply psychologically pushed out of a group that is important to him, and it is precisely this moment that is perceived so actively and painfully, trying to understand. Such a person feels the results of being ignored almost on a physical level - alienation, coldness, loneliness.
Secondly, every person needs recognition of their value as a person. This is, in principle, one of the basic needs and therefore does not need explanation. Don’t some of us want to know that he is loved, valued and respected, his opinions are taken into account and count on support and understanding?
Thirdly, we want to be understood, to feel our mood and state, and to forgive mistakes. If we have empathy from other people, we feel calmer, and we understand that someone needs us and cares, that we are in the right place.
Ignoring deprives a person of one of these manifestations. Purposeful, demonstrative ignoring leads to the fact that he feels great discomfort and loses the value of his own personality.
If you feel that a significant person is moving away and gradually starting to ignore you, you need to act immediately. If you cannot figure out the situation on your own, you can seek psychological help from professionals. Our website employs experienced and competent experts, with whom you can find the fastest way to solve problems and restore relationships with the person important to you. Online consultation with a psychologist is available at any time by phone or online chat.
Ignoring a person: benefit - benefit
Some will ignore a person who they simply will never need again for anything. He is used material, and you can walk past him as if he were empty space. Such people are found among owners of the skin vector. For them, the main thing is “benefit-benefit” - therefore there is no need to waste emotions, even in the form of a simple “hello”.
A skin person, as Yuri Burlan’s system-vector psychology shows, can economize on feelings. He may ignore requests from his family for emotional intimacy and warmth in the relationship. The child, in his opinion, should not be pampered, and his wife should already know that he loves her. At the same time, he receives pleasure from the very fact of limitation and refusal. “No” and “impossible” are the key words of the skinner.
The skinner can also punish by ignoring someone for what he believes has been an offense committed. After all, it is necessary to somehow comply with the law in a single unit of society: a family or a work team. Ignoring a person, in this case, is one of the ways of forcing obedience.
What to do if you are being ignored
It is unlikely that any person who has fallen into the tenacious clutches of destructive ignorance has not asked himself the question: “Why am I being ignored? What am I doing wrong?". However, before finding answers to these questions, it is worth determining how important the moment of ignoring is for you. Is it important that they don’t listen to you or that in principle they don’t want to hear or listen to you?
Having determined why this or that person took a position of ignoring you, you can draw some conclusions and consider the situation in more detail. However, to do this you will have to take a kind of step back into the past.
So, if you are being ignored, try to go through the following steps in sequence:
- Find the reason. Perhaps you simply somehow offended someone important to you and didn’t notice it yourself, but he harbored a grudge and doesn’t want to communicate with you anymore? Just analyze your recent relationship with him and understand what and when went wrong. At the same time, the worst thing you can do in such a situation is to call and write to your opponent every five minutes. Once you find the reason, simply change it. If you offended, apologize; if you did something wrong, try to offer help. Each of us psychologically expects understanding from others, and perhaps you and your opponent simply misunderstood each other.
- Make sure you are truly being ignored. There is a very personal line between personal space and being ignored. If you are offended that they didn’t answer you right away, didn’t call you back immediately after you called, or didn’t drop all their business for you, then it’s important to pay attention to yourself. Remember that each of us sometimes needs to be alone and, perhaps, the person does not answer you only because he needs solitude right now.
- Ask for help. If you are at a dead end and cannot understand why this or that person is ignoring you. If you are convinced that ignoring actually takes place and is not a figment of your imagination, ask for help from those who are interested in it - your relatives, friends, colleagues.
Ignoring, as noted above, is a type of psychological violence. In the fight against it, it is very important not to let this problem completely consume you. Of course, no one can be pleased with the fact of being ignored, but it is always important to remember that any person has the right to choose. And if the situation has developed in such a way that you are ignored and you are completely powerless, you cannot or do not want to fight, then just focus on your life and personal goals.
We are all very different. Therefore, we strive to communicate with some people, and some we don’t even want to look at. Sometimes contact with a person only brings us disappointment, pain and irritation. Sometimes we try to improve relationships, but this again leads to negative emotions. So what to do? Continue to endure or stop communicating? Of course, the second option. What if the “unpleasant” one further tries to impose his society? There is only one way out - to learn how to ignore him so as to stop any attempts at communication.
What is neglect
Neglect (from English “neglect”) is a form of psychological violence in which a person systematically ignores What Is Neglect?
/ National Adult Protective Services Assotiation the vital needs of the dependent victim. In Europe and the US, the term is usually used in the context of Signs of Neglect/Brighton & Hove Safeguarding Children Partnership (BHSCP) or Types and Signs of Abuse. Neglect / Washington State Department of Social and Health Services - those who are seriously ill or have limited mobility.
In recent years, the concept of neglect has expanded, because not only the most vulnerable people can become its victims.
How to ignore someone
So, you decided to show your boyfriend or girlfriend that you can no longer tolerate these antics. How to do this:
- First, you should understand that stopping noticing a person is a serious matter. Firstly, it’s not easy, and secondly, the “unpleasant” person may actually never communicate with you again. It is better not to resort to the method of ignoring for an hour, day or week in order to attract someone's attention or point out the guilt of the offender.
- Before you stop noticing a person, try to put yourself in his position and understand why he behaves this way. Maybe he had good reasons for doing this? What if you provoked this behavior by doing something wrong?
- Before you ignore a guy or girl, ask what is the reason for such wrong attitude towards you. There are situations when you can discuss everything and forget. At least make an attempt to talk, because it’s not every day that you throw a person out of your life without warning.
- So, you have firmly decided that you will be better off without this person. Be direct. If you couldn’t improve the relationship, firmly tell the person that you don’t want to know him anymore. Don't show your anger, just present it with a fact. Stay polite. What some people don't realize is that you've clearly thought through your position and are confident in your decision before you make such a statement. Therefore, after such words, they will continue to seek communication with you. How to ignore a girl or guy? The main thing is to be consistent. Don't read this person's messages, don't answer the phone when he calls, don't answer anything. It happens that a meeting with an “unpleasant” still cannot be avoided; if it is, for example, your colleague, you will not change your job because of some intriguer. Do not argue during these meetings, do not pay any attention to this person at all. If she gets too persistent, tell her to leave you alone once and for all.
- You must be prepared for a siege. When the bore realizes that he has been ignored, he will be very angry. Perhaps rumors will begin to circulate about you. Don’t hide from your friends that you don’t like this person and you’re trying to get rid of his unpleasant company, then they won’t believe the various nasty things they might say about you. Just don’t try to win your friends over to your side, let them form their own opinion about this person.
- When meeting, try to feel normal. Overcome awkwardness. Forget about etiquette, if you don’t want to say hello, don’t do it. When, for example, you need to communicate with him for work, try to keep this communication to a minimum. And if you bump into someone somewhere in a store or on the street, pretend that you didn’t notice this person. If he comes up and starts talking to you about something, as if nothing had happened, tell him that you are in too much of a hurry and you don’t have time to talk.
- Limit access to yourself and your data on social networks. Privacy settings give you the ability to make sure that you are visible only to your family and friends.
Now you know how to ignore people and there will no longer be unpleasant, intrusive individuals in your life.
Have you experienced (sometimes or often?) the feeling that you are invisible to others? It's like people don't see you, don't hear you, and don't take your opinion into account. It’s as if you are not there, although in fact you are here, nearby, you just have to stretch out your hand.
You feel offended, angry, upset, but you can’t do anything. Have you tried to find the reason for this attitude on the part of others?
This may seem strange, but the whole point is that you are invisible to yourself. In more detail, here are 4 reasons why many people don’t seem to notice you:
Reasons for ignoring
Often, ignoring is used to make the interlocutor feel guilty. Ignoring is sometimes used by parents when a child has done something wrong. They simply stop paying attention to him, which becomes a lot of stress for the baby. This is a real punishment for him, but it has negative consequences. A child in such a situation feels unwanted and unloved.
Important: If parents regularly use ignoring, then the child adopts this tactic and does the same, as a result of which he does not know how to resolve conflicts and overcome misunderstandings.
Often ignored by partners in love relationships, women often behave this way. For some reason, they do not want to explain the reason for their offense and begin to ignore their partner. They hope that the partner himself will guess the reasons for the offense and apologize. But this often leads to increased conflict.
Sometimes ignoring is used to bind someone to themselves. This method is used by both women and men. After active communication, the ignore mode suddenly turns on; as a result, his interlocutor does not understand what is happening and does everything to regain attention. This is real manipulation, such emotional swings are arranged specifically so that the partner develops emotional attachment and dependence.
Sometimes people are ignored in groups, often in schools among classmates. The reasons for the “boycott” can be different. It is especially difficult for children to cope with ignoring their surroundings, because it is a rejection of the “pack”, which lowers self-esteem and causes communication problems in the future.
You ignore yourself, your emotions and your desires.
How often do you ignore your emotions? Often? This is not a good idea, because our emotions help us determine whether we are taking care of ourselves or, conversely, betraying the trust of our soul and our body.
When you tell yourself that emotions, feelings and desires are not important, you seem to project this thought to others. And they, in turn, also think that your emotions/feelings/desires are not important.
When you feel anxiety, pain, anger, loneliness, grief, what do you do? Are you ignoring all these feelings? Do you judge yourself for feeling them? Or are you trying to drown everything out with alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, medications? Or perhaps you find salvation from emotions in shopping, exhausting physical exercise, sex?
By avoiding your feelings in this way, you do not give yourself relief, only fatigue and loneliness. When you give up yourself like this, you become invisible to others. If you don't accept yourself with everything you experience, why do you think others should?
Talk frankly
When communicating, try to get rid of pleading notes - such people will bring incredible pleasure to your pitiful situation
. To put it in Internet language, in order to no longer feed the troll, you need to talk to him without emotions and rely on logic. Express your point of view to him and do not react to his provocations. If he starts spreading gossip about you or slinging mud at you, the best way to shut his mouth is to intimidate him. Such people are usually very cowardly and quickly back down, such is the psychology of boors.
You don't support or stand up for yourself.
Sometimes in unfair situations you can stand up for others, defend their rights, but when it comes to you, you seem to freeze in place and cannot say a word in your defense. You may justify this by saying that you don’t want to start a conflict or that the situation is trivial and your opponent may even be right.
But by reacting this way, you are not giving others a reason to respect you. If you do not respect your opinion and do not defend your position, then those around you will also not care about you.
Is it worth it to endure and silently endure insults if you can sharply and categorically make it clear that you will not allow your interlocutor to cross a certain line again? If you give a competent and firm rebuff in full, other people will no longer waste your nerves with impunity.
Why is negligence dangerous?
Systematic neglect destroys the identity of the victim. Her wishes and needs are constantly ignored, and gradually she begins to consider herself a burden and her life meaningless. As a result, self-esteem rapidly drops, anxiety increases, and depression, addictions, and other mental disorders may develop.
Negligence also has more serious consequences. For example, denial of care and purchase of medicines in the case of a sick person can even lead to death.
You maintain a one-sided relationship.
If you are communicating with someone, who usually speaks? You or your interlocutor? Are you given the opportunity to speak, or are you constantly interrupted, trying to convey your point of view, and you calmly allow it?
Out of politeness? Out of compassion and naive altruism?
If you continue to allow others to use you as a vest to cry into, they won't see the other side of you. It wouldn't even occur to them to look! After all, it’s so convenient when you have someone to “whine”... It’s unlikely that they care about your inner feelings.
And you? When will they finally start to worry you?
You don't owe anything to anyone
If a person is very intrusive, tries to shift his problems onto you, blames you for his own failures, try to explain to him that you don’t owe him anything, even if he is a relative or formerly close person
. You have your own life, your own problems, which are much more important to you than his troubles.
You don't have to tell him why you think this way or that way. If he has a desire, he will find the reasons for your behavior without your explanation. If you have the right to demand something from him, just insist on it
. Take the example of moderators on forums - they are guided by a strict set of rules and are not obliged to explain to each user why they were blocked.
You try to please everyone.
Perhaps you were raised to care about the feelings and comfort of others, even to the detriment of yourself. And you carefully pushed your own thirst for comfort deep down, just so as not to upset those around you. What did this lead to? To the point that people ignore your needs and desires? To the point that you are now constantly uncomfortable with others, and you don’t know how to change it?
When you focus on making others feel good, you forget about yourself. But hey, who's going to take care of you then? Did you hope that those around you? But, as you can see, they don’t care about that.
There is nothing wrong with being polite and attentive to the feelings of others, as long as other people's interests do not infringe on yours.
It's time to stop being invisible to others! Stop ignoring your feelings and your comfort for the sake of other people's interests.
Love yourself, start appreciating and respecting yourself. And soon you will notice how the attitude of all the people around you has changed towards you.
Ignoring a person and/or situation is one of the most common methods of psychological defense or punishment. Despite its apparent simplicity, there is little that is as effective as this simple technique. The danger is that the technique of ignoring rarely leads to a final solution to certain problems, since, in fact, it is a way to evade any action. We’ll talk more about the psychology of ignoring today.
Ignoring as a defense
With the help of ignoring, as a technique of defensive reaction to the emergence of a particular problem, a person, as it were, creates an alternative reality in which some block of information is missing. The so-called ignoring matrix helps to find it.
Ignoring Matrix
The neglect matrix is a special model that considers neglect in terms of type and level. These two concepts are similar and to some extent interchangeable.
1. Types of ignoring:
- ignoring the fact of what is happening. In this case, we refuse to see this or that situation that creates a certain problem;
- ignoring the fact of the problem. This type of ignorance involves accepting what is happening but refusing to acknowledge that reality poses any problem;
- ignoring opportunities. You see the situation, recognize the problem, but ignore the existence of possibilities for solving it.
2. Ignore level:
- ignoring the availability of opportunities;
- ignoring the significance of opportunities, in other words, doubting their (opportunities’) effectiveness;
- ignoring the option to change capabilities;
- Ignoring personal abilities associated with self-doubt and fear of inability to take advantage of opportunities.
The ignoring matrix provides all combinations of types and levels of ignoring, adding up to a diagram of three columns (types) and four rows (levels). The method of using the ignoring matrix allows you to find that part of the information that is ignored, preventing the solution of a certain problem. To do this, you need to start checking each cell, starting from the upper left corner of the matrix, moving diagonally down.
It is worth mentioning such a phenomenon as rational ignoring, when our apathetic behavior is due to the fact that we do not see any personal benefit from participating in a certain action. The most common example is reluctance to go to elections, participate in demonstrations, etc. In this case, the psychology of ignoring is also considered as a defense, in this case, passivity protects us from expending energy.
Ignoring as a method of punishment
Very often we use the method of ignoring, trying to somehow influence others. The psychology of ignoring a person is that we consciously do not pay attention to the person we want to punish or hurt.
In addition, the reason for ignoring, paradoxically, may be an attempt to attract attention to oneself. So, for example, the reason a woman ignores a man may be her desire to show the man her resentment. The problem is that such a method, as a rule, is met with aggression and misunderstanding in response. Men usually don’t know how to react to being ignored and respond in kind. The result is a vicious circle of inaction and increasing conflict.
At the same time, girls often take advantage of being ignored when they want to attract the attention of the man they like. In this case, they rely on the notorious hunting instinct.
One way or another, ignoring is a passive action, by resorting to which a person consciously renounces his own power and responsibility. Remember that most often this method does not live up to expectations.
How to influence a man (woman) without ignoring or manipulating?
We have already found out that it is not worth communicating with those who react to being ignored. These are the people with whom you will suffer. You will always have to rock such a person on “Closer-Farther”. Otherwise he will start to lose interest. You can read more about the “Closer-Far” technique here (opens in a new tab).
The first rule is that you must initially choose the right person, life with whom does not resemble an emotional swing.
The second rule is that you need to influence this person correctly so that he is attracted to you. And how to do it? This is what we will talk about now.
To understand how to truly influence a person, we need to rewind time, to the earliest childhood (infancy) and answer one question. Who has the greatest influence on a child from the first seconds of his life? The correct answer is mother. The mother is the person who dominates the personality the most. Neither the father nor any other person has such influence as the mother.
History knows many cases when children went against their fathers, and fathers against their children. This was popular in the royal and other royal families. Crown princes could kill their father and overthrow him from the throne - this is normal practice for the Middle Ages. But the children never went against their mother (or these cases are unique). Because the mother has more power and influence on the personality than the father.
But how is a mother different from all other people? Why does she dominate a person so much?
- She has a maternal instinct, and accordingly a physiological connection with the child
- She is the first to feed and help to survive
- She loves the child with absolute love and accepts him as he is.
We are interested in the last (third) point; it is absolute acceptance and love that gives the mother such influence over the child. In the process of growing up, the mother gradually moves away from her child and he becomes less dependent on her every year. And subconsciously, every person wants to return to this state, when they were taken care of and accepted entirely.
By the way, it is at the stage of distance from the mother that jealousy begins to arise in a person. Jealousy is a manifestation of the instinct of self-preservation. The baby is afraid that he will not have enough maternal attention and may die, because his mother no longer takes care of him at 3 years old as she did in the first months of his birth. And then this state (jealousy) is reflected in adult and teenage life. People can be jealous of friends, girlfriends, husbands or wives. But you now know the root of this phenomenon.
So, we found out why the mother has the greatest power over the individual, but what does this give us?
Answer: A person (let’s take a man as an example) will be truly influenced by the woman who absolutely and completely accepts and loves him. Just like a mother does. And that's when you really begin to influence the individual. While manipulations have a temporary effect, absolute acceptance and love have a permanent effect. A person is simply unable to refuse someone who gives him this feeling of acceptance.
The main thing here is not to start behaving like a mommy, wiping your man’s sniffles. On the contrary, it will ruin everything and push him away. From our mother we take only absolute acceptance and love.
It is also important not to confuse absolute acceptance with insecure behavior and lack of self-love, when a woman tolerates all the tricks of her man, but he does not lift a finger for her sake. This story is no longer about love and acceptance, but about toxic relationships.
To avoid toxic relationships, you must initially choose the right partner who is worthy of your care and attention. In addition, you yourself must be psychologically stable and balanced. Otherwise, absolute acceptance will not work.
When choosing a partner, pay attention to whether anything about him irritates you or not. If annoying, then think carefully before entering into any relationship with this person. After all, if something infuriates you, then you will not be able to accept your partner entirely and he will feel it. The tension will only grow, and personal life will be incomplete.
Conclusion: Only absolute acceptance and love is a true instrument of influence on a person. There is no other magic pill. Remember the situations yourself when you tried to manipulate a person. Most likely, you were achieving a short-term effect (if you were achieving it). But in the long term, your relationship fell apart and this is an absolutely natural process.
