- October 17, 2018
- Psychology of relationships
- Daniil Belousov
Bad relationships in the family can begin at the most unexpected moment. The closest people do not always understand and appreciate each other. Often, serious squabbles, quarrels and resentments arise between sisters (brother and sister). If hostility gradually increases, then after some time negative emotions can accumulate to such an extent that we can already talk about real hatred.
However, most often the sisters understand that the reasons for their quarrels are not so significant. Of course, they want to see each other as best friends and spend more time together. But not everyone can take the first step towards reconciliation. The situation is very often complicated by the fact that one or both sisters simply categorically disagree with the position of the other. This is explained by the fact that each person has his own character traits, temperament, etc. Some are more aggressive and cruel, other people are selfish and more dependent on finances. Often disagreements lead to the fact that over the years one of the girls comes to the terrible thought “I hate my sister!” In this regard, the question arises whether this situation can be corrected or, against the backdrop of negative emotions, family ties will have to be abandoned forever.
general information
There was an opinion that sisters are the best friends. However, in reality, most often psychologists are faced with a situation where one of the girls declares: “I hate my younger sister, what should I do about it?”
Of course, such a phrase hurts the ears and causes pain in the heart of the girls’ mother. The situation seems hopeless, but there is no need to panic right away. You need to understand that relationships between brothers, sisters and other relatives are not always formed according to the same pattern.
Sometimes there is not as much positivity in a family as we would like. First of all, this is explained by the fact that every child is a greater egoist than an adult. The baby is accustomed to the fact that he is given all the attention of his parents, love, the best toys, food, etc. Girls are especially accustomed to this.
Be willing to move beyond old family stereotypes
Most of us are given labels by our parents. They don’t think that humorous nicknames can influence the formation of our personality. For example, you used to be “smart,” your sister “sporty,” and your brother “naughty.”
It's a shame if your relatives still remember these old social roles, even though you have already grown up. Show your sister that you value her as a self-sufficient and independent person. For example, if your family has always viewed her as someone who excelled only at sports, compliment her by mentioning her recent promotion at work or her latest creative endeavor.
Jealousy
Of course, with the appearance of a little sister, the older girl develops strong complexes. At the same time, she begins to compete with the baby, as she sees that her parents give her much more attention. She can declare in her hearts: “I hate my younger sister! Why did you even start her?”
Such competition most often occurs when the age difference between children is very small. If the older sister is already of a conscious age and understands her responsibility for a tiny child, then in this case such problems arise less often.
However, despite this, many girls very often pay attention and remember, even if unconsciously, that more attention was paid to their sister. They are not always right in such judgments. After all, when they themselves were babies, they simply do not remember that their mother and father also gave them all the love and care. At the same time, the girl received even more warmth, since she was the only child at that time.
Opposites
Another reason why you might hear “I hate my sister!” from one of the girls is that very often girls are very different from each other. They have different vectors of behavior and life positions. While one sister dreams of becoming a star, chooses a new expensive dress for herself and only dates rich men, another girl works at a simple job and appreciates sincerity of feelings and kindness.
A more down-to-earth girl will have a much stronger connection with her mother. However, she will never understand the behavior and actions of her sister. Accordingly, two reasons at once can affect the development of the conflict.
The first thing a more self-centered sister will notice is that she is not as connected to her mother. Of course, she does nothing for this and, by and large, does not want such a close relationship. However, seeing that her sister is actively discussing everything with her mother and they communicate like best friends, deep down she will experience disappointment and strong jealousy.
The second reason for disagreements and the phrases “How I hate my sister!” in such a relationship is that both girls simply do not understand how they can live this way. A more demanding girl will begin to create situations from childhood in which attention will be paid only to her. A calm sister will, of course, put up with this situation for a long time, since she has very tender feelings for her dearest person. However, over time, pain and resentment will outweigh so much that love will gradually fade into the background, and hatred will begin to progress in the foreground.
Respect other people's boundaries
Violating personal boundaries can never be justified, even if the person is your close relative. Show the respect you would like your sister to show you. For example, don't call your sister late at night or during the day when she's at work. Pay special attention to this point if she is very busy.
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Don't offer unsolicited advice or come visit your sister uninvited. These rules may seem obvious, but many people believe that they have the right to violate the personal boundaries of their relatives just because they are part of the family. This behavior leads to deep resentment, which, in turn, can completely destroy the initially warm family relationship.
Different types
Psychologists often call one of the sisters “sonic” and the other “oral.” The first type is more closed. Such girls are silent and unemotional. They don't like loud conversations and can't stand it when someone swears or behaves too provocatively.
The “oral” type of temperament is the complete opposite. Such a sister will talk loudly, laugh, perhaps even make dirty jokes and swear. For her, her quiet sister is unpopular. In turn, the “sound” girl feels ashamed of her impudent relative. Although this is not often the reason why the younger sister hates the older one (or vice versa), sometimes even small things lead to negative emotions.
Appearance
This is one of the main reasons for the hostility between the sisters. It often happens that one girl is popular with men, she is beautiful, elegant and has a slim figure. And the other girl is not always so lucky with her external parameters. In this case, she always hears enthusiastic exclamations about her sister. All the neighbors will talk about what a beauty she has grown into, etc. Accordingly, no one particularly speaks out about the “ugly girl”. In addition, in such families it is accepted that girls who are not so lucky with their appearance should concentrate only on their studies.
Of course, this situation is fundamentally wrong, and it very often leads to serious problems and even phrases like “I hate my sister!” Parents must learn to strike a balance. If one of the sisters is less beautiful, it is worth dressing her up, teaching her how to use cosmetics, etc. It is also worth explaining to her that her intelligence can become her main trump card, so she should not be shy about showing her advantages.
If the kids fight all the time
Even if the youngest child in the family does not initially cause burning jealousy, things can become complicated when he begins to walk and wants to touch things that belong to older children. In this case, the competition between children becomes much more serious.
Relationships with brothers and sisters are the first space for a child’s socialization. The feeling of competition is natural, and often it precedes the emergence of feelings of true love.
“You taught the elder that you should not lay a hand on your younger brother or younger sister from the day he or she was born.” However, it is impossible for the ban on assault to constantly force the child to capitulate; moreover, in this case, the roles may change, and the younger one will feel that he is allowed to show aggression towards the older one, while the latter is strictly forbidden to defend himself.
“ Sometimes children themselves suppress their aggressiveness and tend not to defend themselves when their younger brother or younger sister attacks them. And since too much is prohibited at home, some children find an outlet for this suppressed aggressiveness in kindergarten.
— Everyone must be able to defend their territory and their rights, which may justify a certain degree of aggressiveness . It is also necessary for conflicts to reveal themselves: the true mission of parents is not in the demand “Stop quarreling right now,” but in finding ways to resolve each identified conflict.
— The need to restrain aggression does not mean that in the name of the parental dream of ideal relationships in the family, it is necessary to suppress any, even minimal, manifestation of rivalry between children. Often such an ideal is a reflection of either what the parents themselves experienced in childhood, or what they dreamed of experiencing as children.
- You shouldn’t constantly encourage only the younger one ; parents should keep a distance so that the conditions in which the younger one finds himself do not become more favorable than the conditions in which the elder one finds himself.
- If you want children to believe that you are capable of resolving any conflict, or if you want to be objective at all costs, this will only be to the detriment of both the elders and the younger ones : in the end they will believe that you are able to make amends for any what kind of injustice can only be encountered in life, the only victim of which everyone considers himself.
“Sometimes it’s better to assess the situation from the outside and pretend that you don’t notice what’s happening.
- Even if deep down you would prefer that children show only tender affection to each other and nothing else, it is necessary to give them the opportunity to make their own choice: to love or hate .
And let them, as much as possible, deal with their own conflicts. This is the best thing you can do for your children. On the one hand, you will more often feel that you failed to show absolute impartiality during the intervention, and on the other hand, the ability to seek compromise, the ability to negotiate, and find ways to get out of the conflict are a source of pride and self-confidence . And an additional benefit: in this way, the child acquires skills that will help him in the future better understand relationships with other people.
- As a result of the fact that what is happening between children will remain outside your field of vision, they may have areas for cooperation and complicity .
- But if children start fighting, intervene immediately . You can treat each other badly, even hostilely, but both physical violence and verbal violence, when one person “beats” another with words, are unacceptable.
If you intervene in a conflict between children, the main thing is to tell them how to adapt to each other and rise above the quarrel.
— a two-year-old how to share with others.
— At three years old, a child is able to understand what “one at a time” means.
— Starting from the age of four or five, you can teach your child to find a compromise using words. Negotiations are the main way to resolve conflicts, which is why it is so important to give children the opportunity to extricate themselves from their quarrels.
- Be especially attentive to a child who systematically loses in conflicts. Perhaps this is due to insufficient language development, perhaps he lacks self-confidence, while both are the two main trump cards in any negotiations. — It is necessary to help the child, while avoiding constant interference aimed at protecting him.
He says that I love his brother or sister more. You think that this is wrong and unfair, but if you actively defend one of the children, trying to prove that for you there is no difference between them, you risk aggravating the situation and exacerbating jealousy in the family.
Why do parents try to do exactly as much for one as for the other? Children are subtle psychologists, and they will quickly notice that mom and dad are doing this solely to atone for hidden guilt in their own eyes.
It is actually very difficult to completely eliminate preferences . Naturally, there can be no talk of talking about one’s preferences or even inadvertently admitting to them; nevertheless, they exist. And it is absolutely not necessary that your “favorite” be the youngest, as it usually seems to be the eldest. It may well be that you retained a special attachment to the eldest because he made you a father or mother - or perhaps to a second or third child, without even knowing why.
— Preference is an intimate feeling and most often unconscious or subconscious 2, it is associated with parental expectations from each child.
— As a rule, one of the parents recognizes their own traits in the character of one or another child. But this does not necessarily become the basis for preference: sometimes there are more conflicts between very similar parents and children.
— Personal relationships with each child arise in connection with the peculiarities of his birth and the history of his life.
A child who is disabled, needs constant medical care, or lives separately from you may be particularly bonding. Even if he is not your favorite, you care about him more than all the others, and other children, “no problems,” may complain about this disturbing preference. Such a reaction can help you by forcing you to realize that it is time to do something about the duality of such connections.
Encourage children when they play together and make it easier for them to play together.
— Find time to sit and watch your children play, but try to interfere as little as possible. You will see that the younger ones become like the older ones.
— It is important that the games between the “two generations” of children be varied and that the elder does not always rule, does not always make decisions alone.
- The elder may become interested in the baby’s games and bring him, for example, his old toys. Both will get great pleasure from this.
— When playing with a younger brother or sister, the older child allows himself to go back to an earlier stage of development, and is not ashamed of it.
In a family with several children, games between boys and girls are possible
Four-year-old children prefer to play with children of the same sex, especially in a group. Playing with siblings can be the first step towards playing with children of the opposite sex.
The opportunities created by boys and girls playing together are especially important at the age when gender identification occurs.
At four or five years old, male and female roles are very often not differentiated, and when children play together, alternating performance of one or another role makes their gender model more flexible. Of course, this is an age when boys and girls are by no means inclined to welcome playing together, but the mask that a child puts on in front of his friends does not necessarily reflect what is happening at home.
At six or seven years old, children begin to become more interested in board games and puzzles.
When acting as a judge, you need to mainly explain the rules - to everyone in turn, and not shower in congratulations to the winner.
- The competition here is more like a competition, and this should convince you of the need to keep a close eye on the score.
- If the results in children are not very satisfactory, refrain from comparisons!
Every child has the right to their own space and time to play if they wish to play alone
— Conflicts with brothers and sisters often become an expression of claims that the child is already an individual in itself.
- It is important to provide for each child not only the day and hour when he is taken, for example, to the dentist, but also the time when he does something “for himself” - plays, walks...
1 Frustration is a mental state that arises in a situation of real or perceived inability to satisfy certain needs.
2 The unconscious in psychology is the entire totality of the content of mental life, which is inaccessible to direct awareness; the subconscious is something that a person is not thinking about now, but that in principle he knows, is connected by association with the subject of his thought and is capable of influencing its course as a subtext.
Bad example
Many parents don’t even think about the fact that they themselves are showing their children that hatred in the family is the norm. Very often in a marriage, a husband and wife have a huge number of serious problems with their mother-in-law and mother-in-law. They are not shy about speaking about them, they often swear and constantly talk about their dislike. Children see that such communication is completely normal and begin to project it onto themselves. If the father says how he can’t stand his mother-in-law or his mother’s sister, then why can’t one of the girls say: “I hate my little sister too!”
Therefore, exceptionally good relations between relatives can encourage girls to treat each other with great respect and awe. Only then will they not conflict and will always try to find a compromise.
Of course, if sisters hate each other, then most of the blame falls on their parents. Especially if they separate sisters and call one smart and the other stupid or admire the beauty of only one of the girls. In this case, it is not surprising that by doing so they themselves literally push their daughters into conflicts and hostility.
If one of the children says: “I hate my sister!” - then you need to first of all understand the mistakes that the mother and father make. It is equally important for the sisters themselves to understand how to behave so as not to take things to extremes.
Harness the power of nostalgia
If you grew up with your sister, you can share a lot of childhood memories with each other. Start a conversation about your childhood memories to take full advantage of the power of nostalgia. When talking to your sister, mention small positive stories or big memorable events. It is important that the conversation is held with humor and only on good topics, so that a common past can unite you again.
Don't get involved in family scandals
If a mother scolds her sister, and the other daughter takes the parent’s side, then the second girl will associate her with a traitor. After all, they should be one team. On the other hand, there are often situations when the older sister begins to scold the younger sister together with her mother, because she understands that the younger girl does not yet fully understand her mistakes.
In order not to hear the terrible words “I hate my big sister!”, you should choose a position of neutrality. If mom or dad scolds your sister, you need to stay away. Also, you should not discuss it behind your back with your parents. Otherwise, you can become a real enemy for her.
Don't forget to invite your sister to holidays or large events that you host
It's ideal if you can make your sister feel like she's a part of your life. For example, invite her to your child's birthday party or to the celebration you are throwing for your spouse's promotion. Go on picnics together, you can even have a summer vacation together. Your sister may not always be able to attend, but she will definitely appreciate your attention.
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Discuss relationships
As a rule, even the most selfish girls need connection with their family. Therefore, there is always a chance to discuss problems. This is especially true in those families where there are adopted children or children from the first marriage of one of the spouses.
In such situations, you can often hear: “I hate stepsisters!” If there are such emotions, then you need to talk with the object of hatred and honestly admit your feelings and the reasons for their appearance. Perhaps, by opening your soul, you will be able to look at the situation differently and together find a way to solve the existing problems.
Celebrate holidays together
When New Year or other holidays are approaching, all people are in high spirits. Negativity fades into the background, and only positive thoughts swarm in your head. It is at such moments that it is important to be close to your sister. When two people put aside their differences for at least one day so as not to spoil the holiday, it is easier for them to see something positive in each other.
There is another option to get closer and once and for all stop thinking: “How I hate my little sister!” To do this, you need to go on a joint vacation. A little adventure on the seashore and a relaxed atmosphere will help you calm down and learn to spend time with your loved one, which will not be wasted on empty squabbles or insults.
Make a conscious decision to forgive
The disadvantage of living together is that someone alone or you together may hold mutual grievances, some of which seem quite serious. For example, you may have always believed that your sister was more loved by your mother, so you still feel irritated when you think about your teenage years. If you seriously want to improve your relationship with your sister, you must accept that you cannot change the past. Let go of small grievances and, if possible, consider forgiving your sister, even if you were involved in a major fight.
How to stop hating your sister: advice from psychologists
There are several recommendations that will help overcome hostility and improve relationships:
- To mature. Very often, long-term hatred between sisters is formed at a very early age. Throughout her life, one girl can remember that her little sister received more attention from her parents, she always had the best toys and everything else. However, you should not remember the grievances of the past. The job of an adult is to move forward and never look back. In addition, you need to understand that it is not the sister’s fault that the parents set their priorities incorrectly and were unable to share their love between the girls in such a way that none of them felt offended.
- Admit there is a problem. If you turn a blind eye to everything that is happening and wait until the hatred passes on its own, you can only make the situation worse. First of all, you need to talk to your sister and admit that you have unpleasant thoughts about her. Only by recognizing that hatred really lives in the heart can you begin to analyze your emotions and understand the reason for their occurrence. This will help take the first step towards correcting the situation.
- Look at things realistically. People who share the same blood are not always close and interesting to each other. If it turns out that the sisters have absolutely nothing in common and such communication only burdens them, then it is better not to try to force yourself to be friends and love your sister. This will only make the situation worse. If a person seems like a stranger, then there is no point in changing this situation. Moreover, in history there are often cases when sisters betrayed each other and did terrible things. But there is no point in conflict either.
- Be patient. You need to understand that such problems cannot be solved in one second. Of course, in melodramas, girls cry, hug, and the next day they begin a new relationship. In reality, first of all, the sisters will have an unpleasant and honest conversation. They must express to each other everything that is boiling over. Most likely, the first such communication will be filled with negativity. However, if you don’t stop, sooner or later the conversation will turn to how to find a way out of the situation. We must remember that truth is born in conflict. Perhaps, in a fit of anger, one of the sisters will name the true reason for the hostility, which she herself had no idea about.
- Visit a specialist. If you cannot solve the problems on your own, you should consult a psychologist. He will offer exercises that will help you get closer, force you to honestly admit your feelings and talk about their nature, etc.
- Mark boundaries. If all else fails, you need to agree to start over from scratch. There is no need to sort things out or remember past grievances. From this moment on, the whole past is forgotten and a new life begins. However, achieving such an effect is very difficult.
Main steps
Everyone has quarrels and disagreements, but such stories rarely end in reconciliation. To solve the problem, you need to take into account some factors, for example:
- Determine the cause of the conflict . Sometimes it is difficult to understand exactly why a relationship has deteriorated, since this factor may be hidden in the distant past.
- Consider the situation from the outside . To do this, it is enough to stop being offended and look at the problem from the perspective of an adult.
- Learn to be patient and wait . Even if the sister does not agree to reconciliation after conversations, you need to leave her alone and give her time to think.
- Protect strangers . Under no circumstances should you involve or consult with outsiders, especially with parents, as a new conflict may arise.
In any case, any problem between people should remain only their problem, and not the people around them. You can find a way out of any situation, the main thing is to strive for it.
