Why mothers don't love their daughters: possible reasons, signs and consequences, advice from psychologists

• September 15, 2018
• Psychology of relationships
• Natalia Balagurova

Problems between generations are an inexhaustible topic of conversation. Many people are especially interested in why often in families the mother does not love her daughter. It would seem that any child should first of all love his mother, and every woman who gives birth to a child should love the one she gave birth to. In real life, this statement, which smacks of absolutism, does not work well - mothers experience hostility towards their girls, which, as many believe, can ruin the child’s life.

Is it possible?

Sometimes it happens that from the outside it seems as if the mother does not love her daughter, but if you enter the family, it becomes clear that this is just a show-off aspect, and the relationship is actually close, it just looks so ugly to the outside person. Much more often, however, the opposite happens: behind the pleasant façade, there are intra-family conflicts that have no end or end. Someone is convinced that in reality mothers cannot have hostility toward their daughters, and all talk about this is just gossip of envious people. Others say that there are plenty of examples around, moreover, such a maternal attitude affects the life of the child, and it is extremely difficult to cope with the consequences of the problem.

There is such a science - psychology. Why mothers don’t love their daughters, how this can be noticed, how to change the situation - all these issues are dealt with by people who have dedicated themselves to this area. They assure that the absence of maternal love is expressed through the emotional detachment of the elder from the younger. As a rule, such a parent puts moral pressure on the child. They will not pamper you with warmth and affection at home, but you will have to deal with criticism every day. Any failure is noted, attention is focused on it, and the mother assures that she warned the child about such a development of events.

“My dad didn’t raise me, things didn’t work out with my husbands”

Olga's mother gave birth at the age of 16. The girl was raised by her grandmother and great-grandmother.

“My grandmother took care of me, prepared my homework with me. I know Grieg, Tchaikovsky, Chopin and the classics of Russian literature solely because my grandmother instilled an interest in me. But we were not the most exemplary unit of society in the classical sense, and at school I was considered a child from a dysfunctional family,” says Olga.

Women's fate did not work out for either the great-grandmother, the grandmother, or Olga's mother.

Olga had been talking about marriage since kindergarten - she really wanted a real family.

And the adults made fun of her: “Olya didn’t even have time to learn to speak, she tormented everyone with the question of when she should get married.”

He remembers an incident in kindergarten. Mom then lived with a man whom Olga could not stand, but from time to time he could pick her up from kindergarten. And then one day the teacher says: “Olya, dad is behind you.”

“I decided I wouldn’t go, but the teacher said that this is my real dad.” He came from the army and immediately came to me in kindergarten. I still remember its smell. Then he left, and I found him myself, many years later. Now I call him by his name - Oleg. And all my life I dream of a full-fledged family.

For the first time, Olga got married early, but a few years later the family broke up. In her second marriage, she had two sons. Daniil is 22 years old today, Denis is 18.

Olga was happy with her second husband. She even fell in love with this man, although she got married without feelings. She was just grateful that he took care of her, even tying her shoelaces. She wanted warmth, love, attention.

Olga suggested going to Moscow to earn money to buy an apartment. We left, but it didn’t work out. Everything the husband earned was lost in the casino.

Olga returned to Barnaul, where her sons were left to be raised by her grandmother. Hope for family happiness collapsed when the husband returned with nothing. She cried, listened to my mother’s thoughts on the topic “why do you need this” and broke up with her husband.

After the divorce, Olga returned to Moscow to work, but after some time she left to join her sons.

- I'm a doctor. She sent everything she earned in Moscow home - to her mother, her cancer-stricken grandmother and her children. But it was hard for me that they were growing up without me,” she says.

What about the other side?

It happens that it is no secret to outsiders that the mother does not love her daughter. The signs of such an attitude are obvious: the child is convinced of his bad qualities, and strangers can hear his own mother calling her daughter either lazy, or armless, or a mare. And if there are external flaws that the child is very worried about, then such a mother is guaranteed to “hit where it hurts,” reminding her over and over again about the imperfections in appearance. This also works in the opposite direction: the more parents criticize some aspect of appearance, the more convinced the child is of his ugliness.

Indeed, family relationships can be a problem that will subjugate the whole future life - especially if the mother does not love her daughter. Psychology as a science has long been considering this phenomenon of family relationships, and observations show that most of these mothers convince their child that their imperfections will be a guaranteed obstacle to ever finding a soul mate. If an older girl attracts the attention of a representative of the opposite sex, the mother begins to criticize and humiliate him, doubting his ability to reason sensibly and draw adequate conclusions, to assess the situation in general and individual people in particular.

How does your relationship with your mother affect your life?

Mom is a guide to adulthood. How it will turn out depends on my mother’s love and attitude towards us. Will it be happy, bright, filled with joyful moments or dull, hateful, devoid of any colors.

Our attitude towards ourselves depends on our mother. The extent to which we accept and love our own appearance and personality. If a mother constantly criticizes, then a mountain of:

• complexes;
• clamps;
• self-rejection.

If the mother praises, speaks kind words, and supports, the girl is assigned high self-esteem.

She values ​​herself in any situation and knows how to defend personal boundaries. In relationships with men, she knows exactly what she wants. What is ready to accept from the opposite sex, and what will never be tolerated.

Dreams and reality

So, a woman finds out about pregnancy, goes to the doctor, and the study gives a pleasant result: she should expect the birth of a girl. The imagination immediately draws beautiful pictures of friendly relations: mother and daughter will be friends, they will be able to share secrets, and the older one will teach the younger one how to be the most attractive in the world. Unfortunately, when it comes to practice, suddenly the realities begin to diverge from the rosy visions, and the realization comes that the mother does not love her daughter. In psychology, this is especially often associated with growing up.

The older the girl, the higher the likelihood of conflicts. This is due not only to the difference in generations, but also to distinctive character traits. Problems of hormonal changes play a significant role, under the influence of which even the most obedient princess becomes obstinate, capricious, and sometimes completely unbearable. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding - and now the conflict becomes so multi-layered that it seems that there is simply no way out of the situation.

Narcissistic Mother: How to Set Boundaries?

Setting boundaries means being clear about what you will and won't do. This lets people know where you are and draws a line they are not allowed to cross. This means setting limits.

Many people are afraid to set personal boundaries in general because they worry about the feelings of others. “If I set a boundary, I will offend my mother.” Daughters are also afraid to set boundaries because it might anger their mothers: “If I tell her I'm not coming to dinner because I need to rest and take care of myself, she'll be furious!”

A very common reason daughters don't set strong boundaries with their mothers is that they are afraid of abandonment. “ If I tell her to get away from me, she'll never talk to me again, and I don't want to lose my mother forever. I saw how she shut herself off from other people, and then that was it. She could do this to me too.”

Narcissists typically isolate themselves from the people in their lives due to their weak emotional style of perceiving other people as good or bad. For them everything is black or white. If you have seen your mother do this, your fear of abandonment is very great and real. But you have to evaluate it in realistic terms. If she's already abandoned you emotionally, she really can't do anything worse to you that could cause damage equal to or similar to that devastation.

Who is who?

Relationships between generations cannot be ideal. Conflict situations arise in the process of interaction between people - this is a completely normal phenomenon. When it is possible to build a productive dialogue between the elders and the younger ones, this family can be called a dream come true, but it very often happens that the older one forgets about her role, considering herself more of a friend than a mentor - and over time this develops into such a complication of problems that that you can’t do without the advice of a psychologist. The mother does not love her daughter because she does not see respect from her, but the loss of authority occurs solely through the fault of the parent, who behaves more like a sister.

Of course, in any situation there are pros and cons. For the described relationship, the main advantage is trust, which both representatives of the fair sex can boast of, but at the same time competition appears. The object of competition is father's love and affection, close relationship with brother. Children do not receive the attention they deserve from their mother, and the daughter feels that she needs to prove that she is worthy of love.

Instead of an afterword

If you are a mother whose relationship with her daughter is not going well, if right now you are in pain, you feel bad, you are suffering because you are unable to change the current situation, if you are a daughter who wants to run away from her mother, who believes that her mother never gave her anything, if this is your strong belief, but somewhere deep down in your soul you still understand that you are wrong, but you can’t help yourself, contact us!

We will help you get out of this situation with dignity, because we have a very effective and safe method for normalizing relations between children and parents.

You can write to us from the “Contacts” page. Do this right now if you have already realized that you will not improve the relationship on your own!

Ideals: are they achievable?

Having long studied why mothers don't love their daughters, psychology suggests looking for the roots of the problems in some cases in what one generation expects from the next. It so happens that many women, when giving birth to a child, immediately imagine his life path, the specific character of the child and his capabilities. As they grow up, they methodically integrate the girl into this scenario, but it does not always suit a real person, and discrepancies begin with the invented image. From year to year they become more significant.

If a mother has come up with an ideal for herself and is trying to embody it in her child, it is difficult to deny her good intentions - but the result is not the best, and the child begins to wonder why the mother does not love her daughter and what to do in such a situation. Others try to adapt to the expectations of their elders, but this is not always possible - sometimes they are too high. As a rule, a woman distinguished by such behavior is unreasonably demanding, so any efforts of the child are wasted: it is impossible to become an ideal.

How to learn to trust your daughter and let her go

Previously, it was simply a feat for me to let my daughter go.
Allow her to go to school on her own, decide for herself what to wear on the street, study on her own without control on my part. Letting go is a very important moment in a girl's life. At a certain time, a mother needs to allow her daughter to be independent. It is necessary to reduce the control associated with studying, with clothes and with friends. You can give advice and accompany. But don't control it. Otherwise, the daughter will not have the opportunity to grow up.

Grow up correctly. Growing up, going through your life lessons, getting your head in, gaining your experience. In order to grow up in due time, and not at 35 years old.

To do this, a mother needs to learn to trust her daughter, to trust the world. But how to do this? This is where women's fairy tales come to the rescue. They describe basic women's values, show possible scenarios for the development of women's destiny, and reveal the main pitfalls and dangers. By living fairy tales with your daughter, you can teach her “smartness,” warn her, and show her the consequences of her actions. But the main thing is to explain that in life, as in a fairy tale, the end is always logical. Wonderful fairy tales for girls' education - “Cinderella”, “Morozko”, “Geese and Swans”, “The Princess and the Pea” and many others.

Who should I be?

Psychologists, telling why mothers do not love their daughters, describe numerous situations of role reversal. This happens when a woman becomes a mother, who, due to her age or character, is not yet ready for such responsibility, and as soon as she has the opportunity, she shifts everything onto the shoulders of the child. The woman behaves as if she were a child herself, and the girl, willy-nilly, has to try to be an adult. Thus, the daughter loses the opportunity to live her childhood normally, and the eldest constantly feels guilty for what is happening.

Another situation is also possible: the girl is gradually growing up, but the mother does not want to accept what is happening and resists reality in every possible way. Among the reasons identified in psychology for why mothers do not love their daughters, special attention is paid to this particular situation. Despite the child’s age, the woman still perceives her as small, takes care of her in every possible way and does not allow her to live her own life. Neither the eldest nor the youngest in such conditions get the opportunity to build a personal life, get involved in interesting things or comprehend new things.

You think about her constantly

If your mother was the main source of stress in your childhood, you would want to move on and not think about her again. Easier said than done: you regularly remember the unpleasant comments she makes about your studies, or go over high-profile scandals. The toxic mother still occupies more of your consciousness than you would like to allow her to. And it affects your emotions more than you think.

So what should I do?

Regardless of why a mother does not love her daughter in a particular situation, steps must be taken to repair the relationship. If you manage to eliminate the conflict situation, gradually many years of acquaintance and a feeling of affection will do their job - for many, sincere love arises. Of course, everything depends on the depth of the conflict situation and the character traits of its participants; however, it is always wiser to try to achieve a positive result than to come to terms with problems within the family. Even if it seems to one of the parties to the conflict that the situation does not cause any inconvenience to the other, in fact both are suffering from what is happening.

The older the girl, the easier it is to make adjustments to the relationship, and the child quickly realizes the mother’s desire to take part in correcting the relationship. The main thing is not to patronize the child too much, restrain your irritation and allow the girl to live her own life. It must be remembered that it will not be possible to re-educate an already grown daughter; she has the right to make mistakes and make her own choices, make decisions and take responsibility for them.

Mother-daughter relationships depending on age stages

For 9 months, mother and daughter are in complete symbiosis: they represent an inextricable whole. But this does not mean at all that when the umbilical cord is cut, this connection ends: a smooth and natural rejection begins, conditioned by self-awareness:

• From birth to one and a half years - absolute dependence. The mother is entirely responsible for the well-being and safety of the baby. Gender doesn't matter. The natural maternal instinct inherent in nature came into force.
• From one and a half to three years - awareness of one’s own needs. A baby at this age begins to realize her own desires that do not fit into the schedule or what her mother offers her. Phrases such as “give”, “I want/I don’t want”, “I will/I won’t”, etc. appear in the lexicon. The girl begins to feel the need to make independent decisions, but at the same time acts with an eye on the mother’s reaction. The mother, in turn, experiences a permanent feeling of concern for her child - all her forces are aimed at protecting the life and health of the child.
• From three to seven years is the identification period. The girl begins to identify with her mother, realizing that she belongs to the female gender and adopting typical gender habits. At this stage, parents should give the child a little more free will and teach all the necessary self-care skills. Around this time, the girl makes her first friends, personal preferences and secrets.
• Puberty is an artificial conflict between mother and daughter. What appears before the parents is no longer a child, but not yet a woman. What was previously taken for granted begins to be rethought and criticized. The mother must get used to the idea that she will have to build relationships again and learn to negotiate. The main thing to do is to maintain trust.
• Youth – stabilization of the relationship between mother and daughter. Parents are presented with an independent personality, with their own formed interests and views on life. Her role as a child naturally ends. She has the right to a private life, an independent choice of life partner and sexual partners, and the mother can only admit this.
• Mother becomes grandmother. The news that a daughter will soon become a mother herself brings women very close together. For the first time in a long time, the expectant mother openly needs maternal mentoring, and she, in turn, happily shares her life experience. The psychological and physical state of the expectant mother during pregnancy and after the birth of the baby very much depends on the support of others, which should include the mother and husband.
• Old age - the relationship between mother and adult daughter is heating up again. Realizing their own weakness and loss of authority, many older women become capricious. Their behavior is in many ways similar to teenage rebellion. Now the adult daughter must adapt and find an approach to her mother.

Many adult daughters, faced with the senile helplessness of their mothers, plunge into a depressive state. If you encounter this, do not hesitate to ask a professional for help. And also, don’t judge yourself for asking medical help for your care.

The death of the mother is the end of separation. The daughter goes through a difficult process of psychological separation from her mother and awareness of herself as the main woman in the family.

All of the above stages are a natural sequence, which, unfortunately, often has many life nuances that overshadow the relationship between two women close to each other.

At every stage of life, the relationship between a mother and her daughter affects both

Sometimes everything is very difficult

It happens that the situation in the family is conflicting, and it is not possible to clearly understand why the mother does not love her daughter. It would seem that the child is doing everything possible to please the elder, and there is absolutely nothing to complain about. At times, the woman reacts to this with praise, showering the girl with gifts - but everything changes in an unpredictable way and the child turns into a “kikimora” and a “slob.” The changeability of maternal mood is one of the big problems for families of our time.

Often the child notices that the mother does not want to see his success, and even as he grows up the situation does not change. The older one is dissatisfied with how the younger one builds her life and what kind of people she chooses for this. Many turn to a psychologist, asking why and why the mother does not love her daughter, how is this possible, should we admit that this is really the case, or is it necessary to change something in ourselves, break our personality in order to somehow please the parent.

Unloved child

In all literary, musical and artistic works, the image of the mother is glorified as gentle, kind, sensitive and loving. Mom is associated with warmth and care. When we feel bad, we voluntarily or involuntarily shout “Mom!” How does it happen that for some people a mother is not that way? Why do we increasingly hear: “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?” from children and even adults.

Surprisingly, such words can be heard not only in problem families, where parents fall into the risk group category, but also in families, at first glance, very prosperous, where everything is normal in the material sense, the mother takes care of the child, feeds him, clothes him , escorts you to school, etc.

It turns out that you can fulfill all the duties of a mother on a physical level, but at the same time deprive the child of the most important thing - love! If a girl does not feel her mother's love, she will go through life with a bunch of fears and complexes. This also applies to boys. For a child, the internal question is: “What should I do if my mother doesn’t love me?” turns into a real disaster. Boys, in general, having matured, will not be able to relate normally to a woman; without noticing it themselves, they will unconsciously take revenge on her for the lack of love in childhood. It is difficult for such a man to build adequate, healthy and fulfilling, harmonious relationships with the female sex.

Basic Prerequisites

Since the discussions on the topic of why mothers do not love their daughters, but love their sons, as well as those devoted to situations in which a mother does not love any child in principle, are literally endless, a book devoted to this issue was published. Its authors tried to systematize the most common cases and situations, and on their basis identified four main causes of the phenomenon.

Finding out why a mother loves her son more than her daughter, psychologists have found that most often the reason is related to the relationship between parents. A woman does not love the man she has chosen, but she does not want to leave him or is afraid, and she takes out the bad mood and the evil associated with this on the child. She can beat her child from an early age, it is unlikely that she will ever pamper him, much less appreciate him properly. For her, the child is just the embodiment of that hated man who entered her life. This often happens when a marriage is concluded due to a woman’s unplanned pregnancy.

Psychologists urge: you should not become the wife of someone who does not inspire respect and love. All family members will suffer from such a situation, and no one will benefit. As Khayyam wrote in his unforgettable works, being alone is incomparably better than being with someone random and inappropriate.

What personal characteristics are characteristic of disliked daughters?

1. Low self-esteem. The voice of the “inner critic” constantly sounds in the mind of the unloved daughter. Which is actually an introject received from the mother. Let us recall that introjection in psychology is understood as a mechanism of psychological defense, during which other people’s attitudes pass into the person’s unconscious and begin to be perceived as one’s own. As a result, a woman suffers from a feeling of powerlessness, helplessness, and inferiority.
2. Distrust of others. The position of a codependent woman is approximately the following: “I cannot be friends with a person until I am one hundred percent sure that he or she can be trusted. I need to be sure that he is not really driven by hidden motives of profit or self-interest.” This position was formed by the attitude of the mother, sometimes supportive of the child, sometimes repulsive. A fully grown woman with such a dual attitude will constantly pester her partner with requests to confirm his feelings: “Do you love me? You really won’t leave me?” etc.
3. Inability to build warm and trusting relationships. This property is especially pronounced in relationships with men. The disliked daughter then isolates herself and keeps her distance, afraid to trust; then completely “dissolve” in the chosen one. It is clear that in both cases, few men have enough mental strength to live in constant tension. After all, a man will have to defend his borders in case of encroachment on them; then play the role of a leader and mentor, calming or persuading a woman to talk about her experiences. This is due to the fact that in childhood the child did not receive adequate feedback in response to his behavior. The same actions could cause favor today and cause anger tomorrow.
4. Avoiding failure becomes the main life strategy. In adolescence, when girls begin to look for love, the unloved daughter sets out on this road with very little “baggage.” Instead of the psychological attitude “I want to be attractive, receive and give love,” she feels fear: “How can I avoid disappointment again.” The world is filled with opportunities, dangers and traps for her. This applies to both love and friendship.
5. Increased sensitivity. A simple joke made by one of her classmates or friends can bring her to tears. One word can reawaken forgotten memories. Unloved daughters find it difficult to cope with their emotional experiences because they did not experience unconditional love and acceptance in their early years.
6. The desire to find maternal warmth in relationships. No matter how complex and difficult childhood may be, a person unconsciously strives to find what is close and familiar to him. As an adult, the unloved daughter finds men who ignore her, belittle her talents and merits, and allow themselves to make caustic remarks about her appearance.

What a life, such are the children

It often happens that both the child and the mother are unhappy, and the older one takes it out on the younger one for an unfair situation, and the child can only wonder why and why the mother does not love her daughter. Psychologists know that this phenomenon is more often observed in families where the mother raises the child alone - the so-called single mother. However, this condition is not at all mandatory. So, finding herself the wife of a heavy drunkard, the woman will also be unhappy, and with her the child, whose head will be hit by maternal discontent.

Children are weak and cannot protect themselves; pain, hatred and resentment can be poured onto them. Hard work, unsuccessful personal life, everyday problems, poor conditions and problematic neighbors - the child is to blame for all this. He gets it from an early age, in every way - both with evil words and physical punishment. How many tears children shed because of punishments that they perceive as unfair. If it is precisely because of this that the mother does not love her daughter, the consequences can be very different: from conflicts and the child moving at the first opportunity to the escape of a minor and an attempt (terrifyingly often - successful) suicide.

Tips for Mother and Daughter

It is important for each of you to understand yourself and where and how you are within these family relationships. A daughter should dig deep into the relationship she has with her mother

Get out of the victim position and choose a more constructive line of behavior than total resentment

A daughter should dig deep into the relationship she has with her mother. Get out of the victim position and choose a more constructive line of behavior than total resentment.

A wise mother, who is looking for an answer to what to do when her daughter doesn’t love her, also needs to start sorting out where she made mistakes and mistakes.

The means can be completely different: constellations, the path of prayer, visiting a psychotherapist or psychologist, self-analysis. In any case, you must understand what is happening between you. The moment at least one of you deals with this situation, then you will allow the stagnant energy to flow further, and your relationship will be built.

Mother! Are you a mother?

Sometimes it happens that a woman in a family is expected to love her child and take care of him, but the instinct that regulates all this does not wake up. This happens more often if a very young woman gives birth to a child. It is known that much more often it is early girls who are faced with a misunderstanding of why a mother does not love her daughter. In psychology, this phenomenon is explained by the infantilism of the elder. The woman, as people say, “hasn’t had her fill yet.” She simply does not understand that a child is not a toy or a doll, which was recently in the hands of a new parent.

Such mothers communicate with their children as if they had a new toy in their hands. They play as long as they want, but when they get tired, they leave. They go about their business without thinking about the fate of the child, communicate little with the child and do not devote time to him. In such a situation of absolute indifference, the child is lucky if there is a loving grandmother, but this does not always happen.

What should a parent do if a 3-year-old child says that he doesn’t love his mother and might even hit her?

This situation is often a consequence of emotional instability. Perhaps the child is not receiving enough attention. Mom doesn't play with him, there is no physical contact. The baby needs to be hugged, kissed often and told about his mother’s love for him. Before going to bed, he needs calming, stroking his back, reading a fairy tale. The situation between mom and dad is also important. If it is negative, then you should not be surprised by the child’s behavior. If there is a grandmother in the family, then her attitude towards mom and dad is a powerful influence on the child’s psyche.

In addition, there should not be too many prohibitions in the family, and the rules are the same for everyone. If a child is too capricious, then try to listen to him, find out what is bothering him. Help him, show him an example of how to calmly resolve any difficult situation. This will be an excellent building block in his future adult life. And all fights, of course, need to be stopped. When swinging at his mother, the child needs to, looking clearly into the eyes and holding his hand, firmly say that he cannot hit his mother! The main thing is to be consistent in everything, act calmly and judiciously.

If anyone but me?

If you think about why mothers don’t love their daughters from their first marriage, the answer usually seems obvious: they draw parallels between the child and the father with whom they separated, which means the memories remain bad. A woman is trying to start her life from scratch, but the child is always nearby, like a living reminder of the mistakes she has made. But the situation is not always explained in such a simple way. Perhaps the cause of all the problems is the narcissism of the older woman, convinced that the world should revolve around her. Often it is from such women that men run away, despite having a child together, who has to endure the nature of the parent.

Some women firmly believe that the world exists to satisfy their needs. They believe that the people around them are created to serve them, and this applies to their own children. For such a mother, it may be normal to raise a hand to the child or to mock her morally, and if in addition to the girl there is also a boy, it may be clear to explain why the mother loves her son more - as long as the daughter realizes her insignificance and is ready to extol and praise the parent, who is superior to her in everything .

Mothers of this type can explain the existence of children only as an object to serve their interests - that is why they give birth to them. If the child does not provide help, he should not be disturbed and show himself as little as possible. Of course, children growing up in such conditions are sure that they were born in vain. They consider themselves inferior and often live their entire lives alone.

Why a mother doesn't love her daughter: psychology

It happens that a girl grows up in a complete, materially prosperous family, but most of her spiritual needs remain unsatisfied, which leaves an imprint on her future life and self-perception. The reason is that first the little girl, and then the grown-up daughter, was never loved by her mother .

The psychological reasons for such an attitude of a parent towards a child of the same sex are divided into basic and situational; very often there is an overlap of one with the other.

Basic:

• mother is a narcissist or psychopath, with varying degrees of emotional immaturity (not weakening with age), with psychological trauma in the past;
• clinical depression (especially not responding to medications and special treatment) or other mental illnesses.

Situational:

• a painful loss of power over a growing child and a weakening of influence on her, which provokes resentment and even hatred on the part of the mother;
• the transfer of control over life and family decisions to a daughter (especially when living together) to an older daughter is too great a test for the psyche of the mother - the “housewife”;
• subconscious denial of one’s own guilt, parental shortcomings and life mistakes (for example, a negative attitude towards the child’s father often results in hostility towards the daughter from his first marriage);
• internal spiritual emptiness, disappointment in people, which in old age women fill with bitter memories and blame others for this, first of all, their children;

When she is emotionally disappointed, the mother’s anger often falls on her daughter.

• banal envy (which few people admit to), which does not allow the mother to rejoice at the successes of her adult daughter without annoyance; endless comparisons not in her favor pushes the emergence of hatred.

A personally and emotionally mature mother can withstand the uncomfortable situations that arise as her daughter grows up, and she does not feel unloved by the parent.

Causes and consequences, signs and manifestations

Motherhood in the heads of many has become a kind of cliche, a phenomenon about which there is nothing to talk about - everyone knows that it contains tenderness, and any mother is a source of affection. For many, the word has turned into a metaphor, which hides a caring attitude towards another. But even children from normal families, who have nothing in common with those considered dysfunctional, often know from their own experience what happens if a mother does not love her daughter. In psychology, signs of such an attitude are excessive pickiness, moral and physical aggression. In reality, everything is simpler: the child feels unhappy, while the parent, although she provides the child with everything he needs, does not experience any positive emotions towards him.

Even just saying out loud the assumption that the mother does not love her daughter is very difficult - the combination of these words hurts the ear, and the situation, as it seems, cannot be observed in a normal family. In fact, this does not just happen, but all the time, but both the elders and the younger ones carefully hide from outsiders what is happening at home. And yet you need to understand that the lack of maternal love will play a role in the girl’s future life, affect her relationships and the ability to become a good mother herself.

My home is my castle

In our country, the way of life is such that generations coexist together within the walls of one house. This is relatively lucrative from a financial point of view, but getting along can be difficult, and the hardest part is for mother and daughter. As the child grows up, they both find themselves housewives, and their views on the rules of behavior, the conduct of affairs in the house, and in their personal lives are fundamentally different. A particularly pronounced conflict is observed if there are no men in the family.

Often, during an appointment with a psychologist, it turns out that the underlying cause of the problem is jealousy. This is typical if mother and daughter live together and the girl has a fiancé. An adult woman begins to actively teach the child what and how to do, what is right and what is wrong. The mother points out where and what her daughter is doing ugly and wrong, and in front of the groom she can joke about the girl or make unflattering remarks and witticisms addressed to her. This is more typical of a situation where a mother raised her daughter without a father - such a woman is obviously dissatisfied with the way her personal life has turned out, and this is reflected in her communication with her daughter, for whom, it would seem, everything is going fine. The child has blossomed, has entered the brightest time of his life, has a huge number of paths, good choices, while the mother, it seems, has no future. This gives rise to jealousy and even unconscious envy, which leads to conflicts of varying degrees of tension.

Sometimes jealousy is observed on the part of the daughter - for example, if the mother has a significant other. Others have an extremely negative attitude towards this, believing that the father’s place is sacred, and a stranger has no right to claim it.

Love and its absence

They say that a mother does not love her child if there is no attempt on the part of the parent to become emotionally close to the child. Such a woman is distant, cold and puts pressure on the younger one, suppressing him. To some extent it becomes emotional abuse. Very often you can see families in which the eldest woman is absolutely indifferent to the one she gave birth to. Two people do not trust each other, the girl cannot come to her mother and tell her about her difficulties, she cannot count on support and understanding, empathy and help in the current situation. From the outside it is almost impossible to see this; it seems to others that the family is exemplary, especially if life is going well and the child grows up docile.

In public, a mother can praise her child, and everyone she knows will probably know about her daughter’s success. This kind of praise is more hypocrisy than the real thoughts of an adult. As soon as external observers disappear from sight, the woman will stop paying attention to the girl, does not appreciate her successes or underestimates her abilities, and during personal interaction puts pressure in every possible way (often unconsciously), which affects self-esteem. The daughter turns into a victim, who from a young age perceives the surrounding society through the habit of cruelty. For such a child, at first indifference seems to be the norm, although over time an understanding comes that this situation does not exist in all families. At the same time, the child begins to feel that he was treated unfairly.

Unloved daughters: 7 characteristic signs

In infancy and childhood, a child forms an idea of ​​himself based on how his mother treats him. The mother's face is the first mirror in which he catches his reflection. If the mother is loving and accepting, the child learns that he is loved and that he can be loved. He understands that he is significant and valuable, he is seen and heard. This understanding becomes the foundation on which the child builds a self-image that gives him the opportunity to grow and develop.

Daughters of unloving mothers—emotionally closed, reserved, unstable, critical, and cruel—receive different information about themselves and the world around them. All this results in an insecure attachment, which can be ambivalent (the child does not know what kind of mother will be today - good or bad) or avoidant (the daughter wants the love of her mother, but is afraid to seek this love). Ambivalent attachment shows the child that the world and relationships with other people are unreliable; the avoidant type leads to a conflict between the daughter's need for maternal love and the need to protect herself from emotional and physical abuse, the source of which is the mother.

The type of attachment forms an internal representation or mental image of how relationships between people work. Without psychotherapeutic intervention, this idea is very stable and persists throughout life.

The daughter's need for maternal love is the most important driving force, which does not fade away just because the child cannot receive it. It coexists with the terrible, destructive understanding that the person who should love and accept unconditionally did not do so. Trying to heal and cope with this situation deserves respect.

The type of attachment established between mother and daughter has been proven to influence the daughter's romantic and friendly relationships in adulthood. The wounds that remain in adult daughters affect their relationships with themselves and with the outside world. It is worth considering them not at all in order to once again blame unloving mothers and feel sorry for their daughters. The main reason for this is the need to recognize and understand how a toxic mother influenced you, and what you can do to get rid of this influence. Too often we simply accept this or that behavior in ourselves without knowing where it comes from.

1. Lack of self-confidence

The unloved daughter of an unloving mother does not realize that she can be loved and that she is worthy of attention, since her mother rejected her, did not hear her, or criticized her at the slightest reason. The voice in her head belongs to her mother and tells her that she is not smart, not beautiful, not capable of kindness and love, not worthy of love and respect. This inner voice continues to downplay her achievements and talents until some intervention occurs (usually psychotherapy). Such daughters often talk about how they “deceive” other people and are afraid that they will be exposed when they finally, by some miracle, achieve success.

1. Inability to trust

“I am always surprised and alarmed when someone tries to be friends with me. I always expect a trick, some kind of malicious intent. It was only during psychotherapy that I realized that this was connected with my mother,” admits one woman. This feeling of mistrust of the world stems from the feeling that relationships are inherently insecure, which inevitably affects friendships or romantic connections. Ambivalent attachment forces the adult daughter to constantly check the reliability of the relationship and demand guarantees from her partner or close friends. They crave all-consuming mutual love with emotional ups and downs with bouts of jealousy and violent sex. The inability to trust has a lot to do with the inability to set boundaries.

1. Inability to set boundaries

Many daughters who seek the love of their mothers and do not find it report that in adult relationships they strive to please. Another possibility is that they are unable to set the boundaries that are integral to healthy and satisfying relationships. Many unloved daughters report an inability to maintain close relationships with friends due to trust issues (“What guarantee is there that she won’t betray me?”) and an inability to say “No” (“Every time I realize that I’m becoming some kind of wimp ", agreeing to do anything for the sake of maintaining the illusion of peace in a relationship. As a result, I understand that I am investing too much in this relationship and that I myself am disappointed in it"). In addition, such women tend to seek such close and all-consuming relationships that it scares away other people.

1. Misconception about yourself

One woman shares what she learned about herself during therapy: “When I was a child, my mother always focused on my mistakes and shortcomings, not paying attention to my achievements. After college, I had several jobs, each of which had managers telling me I wasn't trying hard enough. Only then did I realize that I was limiting myself by adopting my mother’s view of me and my place in this world.” This is about internalizing what you heard about yourself as a child. Distortions of self-image can extend to all areas of life, including our appearance. Many unloved daughters say that they are surprised when they succeed at something. In addition, they tend to be afraid to try something new due to fear of failure. And this is not just a matter of low self-esteem, the problem lies much deeper.

1. Avoidant position

Lack of self-confidence and fear of rejection puts the unloved daughter in an avoidant position. She avoids relationships out of fear that they will cause her pain, and has little faith that she can have a stable relationship in which there will be love and trust. On the surface, these women act as if they want a relationship, but on a deeper unconscious level, their main motivator is avoidance. Unfortunately, this prevents her from building the close, trusting relationships she has always sought.

1. Excessive vulnerability and sensitivity

Unloved daughters are sensitive to even a hint of neglect - real or imagined. A casual comment can trigger an avalanche of emotions, triggered by her childhood experiences. “I had to focus on my overreactions. Sometimes I myself figure out what the person meant and bring myself to the point of shaking. In the end, it may turn out that the person did not want to offend me at all,” says one woman. A mother's inability to express her feelings often results in daughters having difficulty managing their emotions: they tend to ruminate too much, spin their thoughts in circles, and focus on negative events.

1. Building a relationship reminiscent of the relationship with your mother

We strive for what is familiar and understandable to us, for situations that, although they made us unhappy, are “comfortable” precisely because of their familiarity. Entering the big world, people with secure attachments look for people with a similar type of attachment; unfortunately, people with adverse childhood experiences do the same. Unconsciously, they reproduce the relationship they had with their mother with their partner. “It’s like I married my mother. In appearance it seemed that he was completely different from her, but it all ended with him treating me exactly the same as she. I never knew what to expect from him: he was sometimes indifferent, sometimes attentive, sometimes critical, sometimes supportive,” says the woman who eventually divorced not only her husband, but also her mother.

Original article: Peg Streep, — Daughters of Unloving Mothers: 7 Common Wounds, Better Help, April 2013

Translation: Eliseeva Margarita Igorevna

Editor: Simonov Vyacheslav Mikhailovich

Key words: motherhood, parents, children, adult children, personal boundaries, psychotherapy, psychology

Photo source: unsplash.com

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• Unloved daughters. 7 characteristic signs

Does anything need to change?

As the child grows up, he begins to think about the reasons for his mother’s dislike and the possibility of changing his life. As a rule, such thoughts come to mind belatedly, usually after moving from the birthplace. True, the period of life with parents is the most important, because it is during this time that human thinking is formed and personal development occurs. Since girls ask questions about the causes and consequences of relationships with their mothers belatedly, at some point they understand that a huge bunch of problems remain from childhood, caused by psychological and emotional traumas. A girl who once tried to understand why her mother doesn’t love her extrapolates this attitude to everyone around her and soon convinces herself that no one will love her.

The consequence of a lack of love on the part of the mother is a lack of self-confidence and an inability to accept the love of others. The woman becomes distrustful and at the same time unhappy. It is very difficult for her to enter into competition and sensibly evaluate her positive qualities - and this interferes with her ability to function in society and build a career. In addition, such a girl will be inclined to take everything very seriously.

Toxic mother is your main motivator

Did you grow up with your mother screaming that you would never achieve anything? Or that you are a big disappointment to her? These harsh words can be a motivator throughout your education and beyond. You are controlled by her words, even if they really helped you fight and achieve a lot.

And how to get out of the circle of problems?

A simple attempt to understand why there is no maternal love is unlikely to lead to anything good. An unloved child only sinks deeper into the awareness of his shortcomings and their significance. Even having found out why this happens in a particular case, it is difficult, if not impossible, to change something in yourself - after all, parents cannot be chosen and corrected.

Finding yourself in such a situation, having realized your mother’s dislike, you must try to eliminate the habit of pleasing your mother from your everyday life, and also begin to work on understanding your own positive personal characteristics.

Sooner or later, an unloved girl can also become a mother. If this happens, you need to be able to maintain a balance: not to repeat the mistakes of which she was a victim in childhood, but also not to love the child too much, not allowing him to take a step without parental control. The best option is a course of psychological support that helps solve the problem of relationships with the mother, and when planning a pregnancy and soon after childbirth, communication with a family psychotherapist who will help build a correct and healthy relationship with your child.

Signs of a normal relationship between parents and adult daughter

Finally, I would like to touch on the topic of signs of a normal relationship between parents and their grown daughter. Such a discussion will help you understand what you should strive for when interacting with your child. What factors are included in a harmonious relationship? Let's figure it out.

Signs of a good and strong relationship with an adult daughter:

• you often talk on the phone and tell each other about your sorrows and joys;
• you consult with your daughter on important issues and respect her opinion;
• you want to see your grown child as often as possible;
• if your daughter encounters difficult situations in life, then she may come to you for advice, without warning. After all, she knows that she will always be welcome at home;
• if misunderstandings arise between you, then you try to resolve them “on the shore”, without getting into hysterics and scandals;
• your daughter is sincerely concerned about your well-being;
• she trusts you with raising her grandchildren;
• you never try to criticize your adult child for no reason, wanting to raise your own self-esteem or bad mood.

Mothers and Daughters - how to build healthy relationships

As can be understood from all of the above, the ideal relationship between parents and daughter is built on mutual understanding, support and unconditional love, which does not pursue any selfish goals. Only under such conditions will the connection between generations be truly reliable and filled with affection and care.

Article updated: 05/13/2020