How to get rid of resentment? how to let her go and forgive a person? how to cope with past grievances and learn to forgive people?

How to let go of a grudge against a person and forgive? You need to take 3 steps to forgiveness.

How to let go of a grudge against a person and forgive? Being in a state of resentment, you have little idea that you can forgive, forget and move on as if nothing had happened. But I assure you that you will definitely forgive your offenses and get out of the position of victim.

To forgive or not to forgive

Repentance will still come, but it will come after the person begins to lose.
Loved ones, friends, familiar comforts. Like that horse that didn't fulfill its purpose. You have to pay for everything in this life. And not to the one who has already been offended, but to the offender. And this is the law of cause and effect. The law of the universe about forgiveness

And it manifests itself, whether we want to understand it or not. Until the offender is punished for his misdeeds, the one who constantly forgives him will be responsible for him, without giving him the opportunity to suffer a well-deserved punishment. It is he who will suffer. And this is the mistake of the one who forgives even when the offender has stumbled three or more times.

By forgiving a criminal and allowing him to continue committing crimes, we become his accomplices. Therefore, think about whether you should learn to forgive people and let go of grievances, or, on the contrary, let a person understand that he is doing something bad by offending people.

Don't have high hopes for others

Do you want your life to improve significantly? Then don’t have high hopes for others. How to let go of a grudge against a man? The girl must understand that her problem was not with the young man, but, perhaps, with herself. Ladies are often disappointed in their gentlemen for the reason that women fantasize about a magical prince, and then realize that the man cannot meet the requirements.

It should be understood that a man is not a knight from a fairy tale, but a real person with his own shortcomings. And if he doesn’t meet your expectations in some way, that’s not his problem. Let's look at it with an example. The girl expected beautiful romantic gestures from the guy. The lover brought flowers to the lady, declared his love and arranged unusual dates. But she wanted him to do even more and look after her much more beautifully. Therefore, she easily abandoned her boyfriend and harbored a grudge against him. A woman needs to understand that her high expectations are to blame for this situation. The guy treated her sincerely and it’s not his fault that he doesn’t know how to love differently. Once you understand this simple fact, it is very easy to let go of resentment.

How to learn to forgive

How to forgive an offender

“Forgiveness is a conscious decision, a state of mind and soul that needs to be worked on day after day.” Below we will present you with some simple steps to forgiveness that anyone can use.

1. Become one with your emotions

Think about where and in what state you are at the moment. Throw away all prejudices and be honest with yourself. Don't judge yourself or blame yourself for what happened, but take what happens responsibly and seriously. Try not to make rash decisions. In order to clarify your thoughts and sort out your thoughts, you can write them and your feelings on a piece of paper - this will make it much easier for you to organize the mess in your head.

After you have written down your thoughts and feelings, think about what you can do in the moment to get rid of them or ease your state of mind. In order to master your emotions and lift your spirits, it is not necessary to take global measures - you can, for example, go for a walk, take a breath of fresh air to calm down and move on to the next points with a fresh mind.

In addition, you can spend a few hours alone with nature or engage in creativity: drawing, coloring various elements, creating patterns, music. You can write a letter or even ask a loved one for help or, in extreme cases, a specialist.

2. Let go of the past

One of the most important steps to forgiveness and a happy life is learning to let go of the past and live in the present, even in the face of traumatic experiences. Often we drag the past along with us, not noticing that it is pulling us down and blocking our path to freedom. In the absence of regular training in the ability to let go of the past, we become hostage to our emotions and accumulate negative thoughts that turn into chaos. They cloud our minds and prevent us from looking at things soberly.

In order to start living in the present, train yourself to see beauty in the little things. To begin with, you can go to the park, close your eyes and listen to the world around you. Every sound, every smell is beautiful in its own way. Learn to notice beauty in the rustling of leaves and the scent of rain.

Another easy way to let go of the past is to keep a diary. It's much easier to organize your thoughts on paper. There you can answer the questions asked to yourself in a detailed form, as if to an invisible interlocutor - “Who would I be without anger, resentment, pain and the desire for revenge?”, “How would my life change then?”

Get rid of trash

How to forget a strong insult? What needs to be done to cleanse the heart of accumulated negative emotions? We need to put things in order in our lives. And you should start with the surrounding space. Let's say you noticed that people who have a good life don't have trash in their apartment? All their things are in strict order, and they can always find what they need. Now go into your apartment. The surrounding space is a direct reflection of how a person feels inside. You need to learn to clean up after yourself, not throw things around and not collect trash. And first of all, you should get rid of what reminds you of the offense. If you hold a grudge against a specific person, then temporarily stop contacting all things that remind you of him. There is no need to throw them away, just put them in a box and hide them on the mezzanine or under the bed. After you've cleaned your apartment, start putting your mind in order. Who thinks more about grievances than others? Those people who have nothing to do. If your life doesn't have meaning, try to find it. The more attention you pay to the things you enjoy doing, the less time you will have to think about grievances and worries. Order in your head will help you set priorities correctly and reconsider your attitude towards people and things.

How to learn to forgive?

We can only get rid of the oppression of resentment if we become masters of our destiny. Only then do we begin to understand that our “offenders” are ordinary people to whom nothing human is alien, which means they tend to be mistaken and make mistakes. Our love will help you understand and forgive this. The ability to forgive is a “secret” weapon that is always with us. It is through forgiveness that you can lift a heavy burden from your shoulders. Offenders most often do not even suspect how the offended suffer, what thoughts they torment themselves with. Therefore, you need to learn to forgive, at least for selfish reasons.

Source of resentment

Before you learn to forgive and let go of negativity, you need to understand where the resentment comes from. In fact, the problem has two sides. On one side is the offender, who was pushed to an impartial act by some considerations, perhaps not even fully understandable to him. On the other side is the offended person, who for some reason could not let the words spoken to him fall on deaf ears - he has his own reasons that force him to perceive the offense so acutely and worry about trifles.

The first step to forgiving an offense should always be an attempt to understand its true reasons, to understand why someone wanted to offend you and why you were offended by it. After you analyze the situation, you may be able to let go of negative feelings without effort, and you will not even have to resort to the psychological techniques that we will give below.

So, let’s first figure out what can motivate the offender’s actions.

Envy. A person who envies you, wittingly or not, can try to bring you down to earth, proving to himself that you are no better than him, and to you that you are not as good as you think. Understand that the offender is doing much worse than you, since he is so jealous of you, so is it worth being offended by him? Isn't it better to feel sorry for him? And if you are noble enough to offer help to the envious person, it is possible that you will hear kind words addressed to you from him.
Revenge. Remember, did you accidentally offend someone who offended you? Perhaps he's just taking revenge. In this case, tell yourself “we’re even” and let go of the offense. It’s even better if afterward you have a heart-to-heart talk with the avenger and restore the damaged relationship.
Misunderstanding. Most often, this becomes the reason why close people are offended. They wish well, and when, due to a misunderstanding, it seems to them that you are not living in a way that is good for you, they try to set you on the right path, without even realizing that they are causing you mental pain with their comments and reproaches. You just need to understand their motives to stop holding a grudge against them.
Stupidity. A person could simply blurt out something, not thinking that you would take these words painfully. Do not be angry. Remember the folk wisdom that they don’t take offense at fools, and forget about what happened, as if nothing happened.

It is worth mentioning separately about such an offense as betrayal. By cheating, a person offends you, although he has no such goal. This, one might say, is a side effect of betrayal. Against her, you will stop feeling resentful. However, to forgive and “forgive sins” does not mean accepting and leaving everything as it is. First forgive, and then make a decision. If you decide the fate of your relationship with the traitor soberly, without being intoxicated by the thirst for revenge, the chances of making the right decision will increase many times over.

Now let's look at the reasons that make us offended.

Understanding that the offender is right. If so, then admit it. And you must admit, you shouldn’t be offended that someone opened your eyes. Perhaps you will even be grateful to him for this later. After all, treatment is not always painless, the main thing is the result.
Fear that they may think badly of you, that your authority in the eyes of other people will fall. But let's not think of those around us as a herd of sheep: most of them are able to understand what motives motivate your offender and form an adequate opinion about both you and him. They will think badly not about you, but about your offender. And if you can rise above the insults, your authority will even increase.
Misunderstanding. Perhaps no one wanted to offend or hurt you. You just misinterpreted his words or actions. Try to analyze the situation. Maybe there’s nothing to be offended about here?

If the analysis of the causes of the offense did not help to let it go, then you will have to resort to one or more psychological techniques of forgiveness.

Psychologist's advice

Learning to forgive is not easy. Resentment, having settled in the soul, does not allow one to forget about itself. If you can’t let go of the situation, you can resort to special exercises.

Mentally take revenge. Imagine in every detail the offender and the situation that led to the offense, followed by revenge. It can be anything, the main thing is that the offender must be “punished”, and the offended person must feel avenged.
To forgive your husband or wife, you need to take a piece of paper and divide it into two parts. On one, write down all the words that are associated with offense. On the second - all the words that are associated with positive moments in life. Re-read both columns several times, then tear the sheet in half and burn the part on which the “grievance” is written. If you can’t forgive a man with whom you are just planning a relationship, you should break up with him.
Close your eyes, relax and mentally “inflate” the offense, bring the situation to the point of absurdity - what will happen if you continue to be offended. At some point, the offensive will become funny.

Many grievances last for many years, from the past, from childhood. You can try to talk frankly, express your painful issues. But if half your life you can’t forgive your sister for a broken doll or an unsuccessful romance, then you should seek professional help.

Emotions and grievances

Our reaction to grievances can be very different - just like ourselves. Someone gathers himself into a fist, and, gritting his teeth, continues to move forward, no matter what. Someone tries to pretend that they don’t care (some succeed more, some less). Well, some people are hurt by insults to such an extent that they freeze in place for a long time, trying to pick up all the pieces of their broken heart.

Emotions caused by offense, especially if we were offended unfairly and without any reason, can become so deeply ingrained in our psyche that it becomes very, very difficult to get them out of there. The reason for this effect is quite simple: our brain is initially “wired” in such a way that the longevity and vividness of the memories it creates regarding a particular situation directly depends on the emotional arousal caused by this situation.

What is emotional arousal? First of all, it is our brain's tendency to remember better those things that had a greater emotional impact on us.

Unfortunately, our brain does not distinguish between pleasant and unpleasant events; it only cares about the strength of the emotions associated with them. That's why he'll remember the best and worst days of your life—including bullying and traumatic events—with equal readiness. Yes, this feature of our psyche cannot be called particularly pleasant, but it allows us to understand why emotions associated with negative events in our lives (as well as their effects, including anxiety, depression, fear, insomnia, feelings of loneliness, and so on) can stay with us much longer than the reasons that caused them.

When we experience negative emotions (such as in the examples above), it is very important that we are fully prepared to take them to their logical conclusion - especially for our own mental health. Yes, this will require time, effort and work on ourselves, including our own emotions, but believe me, the result is worth it

Live in the present

How to forget and forgive an insult? A person who cannot let go of the past will never live in the here and now. To notice how beautiful your present is, you must let go of grievances. Try for at least one day not to think about what’s bothering you. And to distract yourself from bad thoughts, be attentive to the details around you. Take a closer look at your home, perhaps some things have been in need of repair for a long time, get rid of the trash. Be grateful to others for their attention and care. For example, if your husband brings coffee to bed, do not take this circumstance for granted, but thank your loved one for showing concern.

Pay attention to your friends and the problems associated with them. Perhaps you can help your loved ones and make them happy. Stop focusing on yourself and the grief that once happened. Life goes on, and you need to understand this. Get into some good new habit; whenever thoughts arise in your head that throw you back into the past, you need to put up a barrier from a pre-conceived image. For example, you were engaged in a monotonous activity, and a friend who offended you came to mind. Resist the temptation to think of an extraordinary personality. Better imagine a summer landscape: flowers, butterflies and peaceful swaying trees. A picture like this will help you quickly return to the present.

How to forgive an insult? About humility

– How do you understand when to humble yourself and remain silent, and when...

“That’s why you need to humble yourself.” Only a humble person distinguishes between good and evil. As the Lord blesses, so he will behave. For others, it may be useful to shed seven skins. Recently, one general (he was already approaching 80) told me: “When I was 14 years old, I began to behave completely disgracefully. Moreover, our family was not an easy one, the famous shipbuilder Academician Alexei Nikolaevich Krylov visited, he and my dad spoke French, and I understood French. When topics were forbidden for me, they switched to German. And then one day, in response to some of my next rudeness, daddy took me and spanked me thoroughly. This was not a violation of my dignity. I just had a transitional age, a hormonal explosion. And the father extinguished this explosion with a powerful opposite action. I am grateful to my dad." His father spanked him without malice. But I do not at all encourage everyone to spank their children, because for this you need to be the kind of dads and moms who can do this with humility, internally maintaining the presence of mind. A humble person does not lose spiritual peace under any circumstances. Should I tear it off? Well, then, we’ll stick it out for the good of the cause, only with love.

– Is it possible to go to Communion if you can’t overcome the pain?

– There are sins that cannot be overcome in one go and, of course, in such a situation God’s special help is necessary. Therefore, you need to take communion, you need to pray, repent, fight your sin. And understand that either you will conquer your sin within yourself, straining all your strength, or sin will defeat you without any effort.

- What do you mean, will defeat you?

- This means that you will lose this person, you will not be able to communicate with him at all. Since you have sin in your soul, you will act sinfully, there will be vindictiveness, rancor, and resentment. You will accumulate grievances, look for and see where they are not, and interpret everything in a bad sense. This will lead to spiritual degradation. But you need to receive communion only on the condition that you pray from your heart and repent from your heart. You may be overwhelmed by this sin, but you fight against it. There are sins that cannot be overcome quickly; you need to fight them constantly, just make sure you don’t relax, don’t get tired and don’t lose hope that with God’s help you will overcome them. Then, of course, it is simply necessary to receive communion.

The Lord sends us such trials so that we learn to fight sins. We have forgotten about some ancient sins, we don’t even think about them, but we are sinners anyway, so the Lord sends us the current visible sin so that we feel it and overcome it. But since a person is a holistic being, if he overcomes this sin, then he also overcomes others. Man is a sinner, but the Lord is merciful. You ask for forgiveness for one sin - the Lord can forgive you others. But you shouldn’t treat the sacrament like some kind of medicine: take a pill and your headache goes away. By the way, if the headache has stopped hurting at the moment, this does not mean that the illness has passed. And here we are talking about healing completely, so that this moral pain does not return.

About forgiveness
Forgiveness on the Internet - “virtual forgiveness”?

What to do when you are very touchy and vulnerable? TOP 5 ways to cope with resentment

Awareness of the problem is the first step towards healing . This is a sure sign of your willingness to work on yourself. If you understand that you quarrel with people even in situations where they did not intend to offend you, then it is time to change.

The following tips will help you cope with such difficult feelings as resentment.

Keep a journal to record your emotions. Write down how your mood changes throughout the day and note what influences the changes. When someone or something offends you, record this fact on the same day, describing in detail why exactly you were annoyed. Over time, you will be able to identify the main sources of irritation and separate fictitious grievances from real ones.
Realize that this affects your health. Scientists from Stanford University in the USA conducted a social study and found that people who healed old traumas and grievances (either on their own or with the help of a psychotherapist) also got rid of migraines, back pain and insomnia.
Plan your day ahead. If you are constantly busy with your favorite job, hobby and communicating with pleasant people, then there is simply no time left for grudges. Remove all “windows” from your schedule during which you can remember old grievances and become sad. But this does not mean that you do not need to rest. If you want to watch an interesting series over a cup of coffee in the evening, fit it into your schedule.
In a healthy body healthy mind. Get physically active! It has been proven that sport is an excellent stress reliever and releases accumulated negative energy. This could be yoga, fitness or a morning run. Try it and you will see - being in a cheerful mood, you will not experience such strong emotional stress.
Review your social circle. List on one sheet of paper all those people with whom you enjoy and feel comfortable communicating, who listen to you and support you. On the other, those who cause irritation, embarrassment and are constantly trying to hurt you. Reduce communication with people from the second list to an acceptable minimum. If you think that this leaves you with too few social contacts, then think about where you can find friends with similar interests.

The Importance of Forgiveness

3. Get your strength back

Completely starting life from scratch is not so easy, but starting to write a new, personal story is much easier. Remember that you were not born a victim, which means you can fix it

It is worth paying attention to the fact that forgiveness is not an isolated incident, but a long process that requires work. In addition, you should understand one simple truth - no one has the right to burden you with grievances and negative emotions.

When painful feelings return, remind yourself that you are choosing to forgive the person. You give him forgiveness because it is your decision, it is in your hands, you are in control of the situation and it is you who choose love, kindness and light.

The desire to change the situation must come from within. It appears then, and only then, when we understand that love, happy relationships and a vibrant life are our personal right from birth.

4. Learn a lesson

There is a valuable lesson to be learned from every experience we have. Sometimes these experiences can be painful, however, as we all know, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Even if we consider what happened to be a complete injustice, it strengthens us both physically and mentally, allowing us to find new ways out of various situations.

In addition, such incidents reveal the true nature of both those around us and ourselves. In a stressful situation, a person begins to behave completely differently, and by understanding the reason and essence of one’s own behavior, one can learn to control it.

Aphorisms of famous people about forgiveness

It is common for all people to be offended. It’s interesting what famous people say about this negative feeling.

Oscar Wilde: “The best way to piss off your enemies is to forgive them.”

Thomas Szasz: “A stupid person does not forget and does not forgive, a naive person both forgets and forgives, a smart person forgives but does not forget.”

William Blake: “It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend.”

Johann Schiller: “Forgiveness is stronger than all victories.”

Gilbert Chesterton: “A haughty apology is another insult.”

Henri de Monterlant: “There are people to whom we forgive everything, and there are people to whom we forgive nothing. Those to whom we do not forgive anything are our friends.”

Jean Paul: “A person is beautiful when he forgives himself or asks for forgiveness from another.”

George Halifax: “Conscience and memory always differ as to whether wrongs should be forgiven.”

We found out the reasons why some people try to humiliate and insult others, and also looked at several ways to forgive an offense.

The power of forgiveness - and why forgiveness, although difficult, is necessary

It is quite possible that consciously forgiving our offenders, and the emotions associated with it, may be the most powerful antidote to the pain caused by resentment.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened to you and moving on. This does not mean that you approve of your abuser's actions, or that you think there is nothing wrong with them.

First of all, forgiveness is a conscious decision not to follow our desire to punish someone (or even ourselves) for an offense.

Yes, forgiveness is a conscious decision. Yes, it is yours and only your choice. And yes, you can forgive yourself. But there is one problem... most often all this remains just words. We can make noble decisions as much as we like to forgive our offenders or ourselves, either wholesale or retail, but if these decisions remain only words, there will be, frankly speaking, little sense from them. Most of the time, we are not very good at translating our words into actions.

Why is that? For many reasons. Because of our emotions. Because we are always trying to put everything into pieces. After all, we are not responsible for other people’s actions, are we?

It’s true, but we are responsible for our own. And not only for actions, but also for emotions and thoughts.

So even if you are not at all to blame for finding yourself in an unpleasant situation, remember that you will still have to deal with its consequences and weaken the effect it will have on your life.

It's up to you to decide whether you can ultimately forgive your offenders.

And, most importantly, only you can decide whether you deserve happiness and inner peace.

“How can I forgive them?”

According to Dr. Robert Enright, a pioneer in the scientific study of forgiveness, to help ourselves forgive both ourselves and others, we can use the following several-step process:

How to remain calm in response to criticism?

A person sometimes receives teachings from another person with indignation. And what can we say about the offensive words that he hears from others? Remaining calm in response to criticism can often be very difficult. Of course, it is good to remain cool and unperturbed in any situation. But how to curb your emotions when necessary? There are several tips to help you do this:

• Don't respond to the offender right away. In anger, you can say a lot of things that you will later regret.

• Deceive the offender in his expectations. Konstantin Kushner, a Russian historian and educator, said: “If you are offended, the enemy has succeeded.” Know that your opponent’s main goal is to get under your skin. So why should he give this pleasure? Smile and forgive him.

• During an argument, ask the offender: “What can I do to improve the situation?” Is he confused and can't answer? This means he has personal reasons to talk badly about you. Such criticism cannot be fair.

• The genius Erian Schultz said: “To be offended by bad words addressed to you is to agree with them.” This simple phrase explains everything. Do you really consider yourself to be what your enemies are trying to make you out to be? Of course not. But there is no point in proving them otherwise. It’s better to step aside and ignore their words.

• Do you want to know how to learn to forgive insults? Make excuses for your opponents. Try to step into their shoes and understand why they do it. Everything is simpler than it seems at first glance. One was created by nature to be so angry, the second was offended today, and in the heat of the moment he shouted at you, the third is having an unlucky day today, everything is falling out of his hands, and he decided to “send everything to hell”, quarreling with everyone, including you . Justified? Has it become easier? All that remained in my soul was pity for these poor people.

• Live in the moment. You need to forgive the offense in time, let go of the past and continue to move on your path. Focusing on quarrels with others will not lead to good.

How to forgive an insult? Can you imagine the Savior being offended?

– Father Alexander, what is resentment? Only internal pain or retention of evil, memory of evil?

– I won’t answer these questions first, but I’ll ask you myself: can you imagine an offended Savior, or an offended Mother of God?.. Of course not! Resentment is evidence of spiritual weakness. In one place in the Gospel it is said that the Jews wanted to lay hands on Christ (that is, to grab Him), but He walked among them, through an aggressive, bloodthirsty crowd... It is not written in the Gospel how He did this, perhaps He looked at them so angrily , as they say, he flashed lightning with his eyes that they got scared and parted. This is how I imagine it.

– Is there a contradiction? His eyes sparkled - and suddenly humble?

- Of course not. The Word of God says: “Be angry and do not sin.” The Lord cannot sin - He is the only Sinless One. We are the ones of little faith and pride; if we get angry, it is with irritation and even malice. That’s why we get offended because we think that they are angry with us too. A proud person is already internally ready to be offended, because pride is a distortion of human nature. It deprives us of dignity and those grace-filled powers that the Lord generously bestows on everyone. A proud person himself refuses them. It is impossible to offend a humble person.

– And yet, what is resentment?

– Firstly, this is, of course, acute pain. It really hurts when you are offended. Due to our inability to repel physical, verbal and spiritual aggression, we constantly miss the blow. If any of us are forced to play chess with a grandmaster, then it is clear that we will lose. And not only because we don’t know how to play, but also because the grandmaster plays very well. So, the evil one (as Satan is called) plays perfectly. He knows how to walk in order to hook a person at the most painful points. The offended person may think about the offender: “Well, how could he? How did he know it would hurt me? Why did you do that?” And the man, maybe, didn’t even know anything, the evil one just directed him. That's who knows how to hurt us. The Apostle Paul says: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in high places.” The evil one moves us, and we obey him, even if unconsciously, out of our pride.

A proud person does not know how to distinguish between good and evil, but a humble person does. For example, out of my pride I can say something that hurts a person very painfully. Not because I want to hurt him, but because the evil one puts such words into my proud soul at a time when the one with whom I communicate is most defenseless. And I really hit a very painful point for him. But still, this pain is because a person does not know how to humble himself. A humble person will say to himself firmly and calmly: “I received this for my sins. Lord have mercy!" And the proud one will begin to be indignant: “Well, how is this possible?! How can you treat me like this?”

When the Savior was brought to the high priests, and the servant hit Him on the cheek, with what dignity He answered him. Was He offended or upset? No, He showed truly royal majesty and absolute self-control. Well, again, can one imagine that Christ was offended by Pilate or the high priests?.. It’s funny. Although He was tormented, mocked, slandered... He could not be offended at all, he could not.

- But He is God and man, father.

- So, the Lord calls us to perfection: “Learn from Me, for I am meek and humble in heart.” He says: “If you want no offense to touch you, if you want to be above any offense, then be meek and humble in heart, like Me.”

– What if the offense is not deserved?

- Was He deservedly offended?

- But this is dishonest, if there is some kind of untruth, slander, then you just seethe because you don’t agree with it.

“It seems to me that it could be even more painful if they tell you the truth: “Ah-ah, that’s what you are like!” “But I’m really like that... Those bastards!”

- We hit the mark!

- We hit the nail on the head. And they said it in front of everyone! No, to quietly, to say something delicately, to pat him on the head or sweeten things up. Right in front of everyone!.. It will hurt even more. “Blessed are you when they revile you and persecute you and say all kinds of evil against you unjustly because of Me.” It is good when people are unfairly slandered. When it is undeserved, we are blessed, and when it is deserved, we must repent and ask for forgiveness.

Psychosomatics of resentment - when not only the soul hurts

You wonder why I should even forgive someone who hurt me? Isn't that what he wanted? Offend a person and not be punished for it? I'll follow his lead! Quite the opposite - if you allow destructive feelings to take over you, you will be defeated both mentally and physically.

The offended person is a vulnerable person who dooms himself to very real psychosomatic illnesses.

Psychosomatics is a direction in psychology that studies the influence of psychological factors on the occurrence of physical (somatic) diseases. A psychosomatic illness is an illness resulting from mental conditions.

Sinelnikov’s table will help you understand how resentment affects physical ailments:

Headache. Unexpressed grievances, constant concealment of true emotions, communication with people who exert moral pressure cause nervous strain and, as a result, headaches.
Chronic runny nose. An illness of people who are forced to constantly overcome themselves and hold back tears of resentment.
Severe coughing, like an unconscious, bodily attempt to attract attention to oneself. Reacting to unspoken opinions that are contrary to others.
Angina. A sore throat, as if after a loud cry, is the body’s reaction to a person’s inability to express his needs due to stiffness or constriction.
Nausea and vomiting. Rejection of the existing picture of the world, frightening or depressing circumstances.
Scabies/rash. Often occurs in people who lose control of too strong negative emotions of resentment, rage and anger.
Kidney disease indicates a person who sees everything as his fault. Perhaps he was constantly criticized, and he was used to seeing himself as the source of all troubles and problems.
Cystitis is a disease of women who do not express their dissatisfaction with their sexual partner.
Gallbladder diseases are frequent companions of people who do not know how to forgive. By cultivating anger in yourself and thinking through plans for revenge, you can provoke stagnation of bile in the body.
Inflammatory diseases of the genital organs are a sure sign that a person is not confident in his own attractiveness in the eyes of a sexual partner.
Constipation – occurs due to psychological constraint and uncertainty about one’s own future. A person suffering from regular constipation holds on to what he no longer needs, afraid of not getting used to the unknown future. This disease is characteristic of conservatives.
Diarrhea. A strong feeling of fear and self-doubt before an imminently approaching important event causes the intestines to get rid of contents at an accelerated pace. This is a protective reflex due to nature. Since ancient times, a person felt safe in two cases - when he relieved himself and when he had a meal.
Hemorrhoids and anal fissures often cause a lot of inconvenience to people who have not been able to resolve the conflict between “fathers and sons.” They are constrained by children's unforgiven grievances and misunderstandings on the part of their parents.
A cold on the lips is an unrealized desire to insult and verbally humiliate an opponent.

This is not a complete list of diseases of psychosomatic origin - there are countless of them. Understand that forgiveness is not a sign of weakness and spinelessness. This is getting rid of destructive relationships, moral burden and many physical problems.

Set yourself up for forgiveness

To do this, you need to sit down, close your eyes and relax. Try to create a state of resentment. Imagine that you are removing a thorn from your soul. Then imagine the light filling you. You should physically feel that the resentment is leaving your soul. At the same time, some people experience a feeling of heat or chills, while others get goosebumps on their body. This process is quite painful, but the game is worth the candle. As a result of spiritual cleansing, a feeling of relief and joy comes. Hurry to part with grievances and remove their burden from your soul. Then there will be more room for positive emotions in your life.

As a child, Olga's older brother pushed her off a bridge into a river so she could learn to swim. A muscle contraction that occurred in the body during a moment of severe fright triggered asthma. Only after the girl forgave her brother for the unconscious offense, letting go of the situation, did she finally get rid of the disease.

Photos used in this material belong to shutterstock.com

Forgive without judging

Can everything be forgiven? Most people believe that there are things that cannot be forgiven: murder, violence. However, in this case, you should remember the commandment: do not judge, lest you be judged. We are always subjective. No one knows exactly where the line of justice is. We are inside the situation and cannot find the strength to rise above it. Especially at a time of offense. When we argue whether we can forgive or not, we are already violating a wise commandment. In such cases, you can remind yourself of the saying of St. John of Kronstadt: “Love the sinner and hate the sin,” - sometimes it is paraphrased as follows: “Hate the sin, but not the sinner.”

Working through a grudge, or how to write a letter of anger correctly

There are a lot of ways to get rid of resentment, let’s look at one of them.

To get rid of resentment, you should try the “Writing” technique. This technique will help to throw out existing emotions that arise during memories - and replace them with neutral, or even positive ones.

Write a letter to the offender. Initially, let this letter contain a statement of the situation that you wrote down earlier, remembering it.

And then - express all your anger, disappointment, pain in a letter. Write down all the words that were not said that you want to say.

After writing, do not re-read it, tear the letter and throw it away, or burn it. In any case, make sure that you no longer have the opportunity to return to what you wrote.

After performing this technique, it immediately becomes easier. The person who wrote the letter ends this story in his own way - the way he would like. He splashes out his anger on the offender - and the offense ceases to have the power and weight that it had before.

But it also happens that a letter does not bring the relief that the writer expected. Then it’s worth trying other techniques for working with resentment, which will be written about later.

For now, that's all. Take care of yourself from insults; they should not clog your psyche, taking up the place where joy and tranquility could settle.

Come up with a hobby

Don't know how to let go of a grudge against a man? You need to take your mind off your ex-boyfriend. And a new hobby will help with this. By doing something that interests you, you can get rid of unnecessary thoughts. And in your free time, you will immerse yourself in dreams of new creative projects, and not about the man who inflicted heart wounds. It’s better to find a hobby that you can absorb whole. A monotonous activity that does not require mental effort will not suit you. Under such circumstances, it will not be possible to forget about the young man. It's better to choose an active hobby. For example, sign up for a dance class. This way you can throw out your vigorous energy, correct your figure, and at the same time improve coordination of movements and body plasticity.

Remember that when you forget grievances, never return to them in your thoughts. Your goal when engaging in a hobby is to fully experience your disappointment, forgive the person and think about him only in a good way. It’s better to let go of the offense and no longer remember the incident that disturbed your peace of mind.

Offense Test

Answer the questions by checking one of three options:

Is it easy for you to ruin your mood?

Yes

Sometimes

How long do you remember the times when you were offended?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you worry about small troubles? (late for the bus, broken shoes, etc.).

Yes

Sometimes

Do you ever have such conditions when you don’t want to communicate with anyone or see anyone for a long time?

Yes

Sometimes

Do extraneous noises and conversations distract you when you are busy eating?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you often spend a long time analyzing the situation that happened and thinking through the events?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you often have nightmares?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you compare yourself to other people in ways that are not in your favor?

Yes

Sometimes

Are your moods variable?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you yell during arguments?

Yes

Sometimes

Do misunderstandings from other people irritate you?

Yes

Sometimes

Do you often succumb to the influence of a momentary impulse or emotion?

Yes

Sometimes

Most answers YES

You are vindictive and touchy, and react very painfully to how others treat you. Your mood changes every minute, which often causes inconvenience to you and other people.

Try to relax - and stop being offended by the clouds because they are not swimming at the speed that you would like. The world was not created to please or annoy you.

Most answers NO

You are a completely non-offensive person. Occurring disagreements are not able to bring you out of calm, complacency and a state of mental balance.

Perhaps some will consider you indifferent and unemotional. Ignore this and appreciate your ability to control your emotions.

But don’t forget that sometimes it makes sense to show your feelings to a person, to demonstrate what exactly is unpleasant to you.

Most answers SOMETIMES

You cannot be called touchy, but you are familiar with this feeling.

Only serious life circumstances can cause frustration and resentment in you, and you simply don’t pay attention to minor situations. You know how to sincerely express your emotions - and at the same time you do not try to hold anyone responsible for them.

Continue to maintain this golden mean, without leaning towards any of the extremes.

Resentment towards mother and father - how to prevent childhood traumas from ruining your life?

Childhood grievances are the most bitter and difficult. It is doubly difficult when the source of complexes and self-doubt are the actions of mom or dad.

The offended little child from the past, deprived of parental love and mutual understanding, will forever remain a part of you if you do not understand how to work through the resentment.

Our tips will help you with this:

Try to understand them. Think calmly without judgment. Why did they treat you this way? Perhaps they were too young and inexperienced. Perhaps they did not have enough money to provide you with everything you needed due to the difficult situation in the country. Or did they not have time due to tireless work to provide for their family? Perhaps they themselves had an unhappy childhood and simply had no direction in life? Try to assess the situation from the outside, as if you were an outside adult observer.
If you can say it, don’t be silent. Have an honest conversation with your parents. Tell us about what has been eating you since childhood. It is possible that over the years, having become more reasonable and calmer, they themselves will admit their guilt and ask you for forgiveness. Or those sides of the story will be revealed to you that you did not know or could not understand because of your age. Give them a chance to explain everything!
Allow them not to change their minds. In addition to words of forgiveness, you may hear new accusations in the spirit of “we did everything we could for you, but you grew up so ungrateful!” Well, let them think so. People of older generations are mostly very conservative, and it is almost impossible to change their opinions. Accept that they will not change and forgive, even if they did not apologize to you.
Learn to speak the same language with them. It happens that a critical and hysterical mother, from whose lips unflattering comments and insults fly about your appearance, work and lifestyle, actually loves you for and wants the best. She is trying to bring your life into a framework that she understands. You shouldn't be offended by this. Listen to her point of view and try to convey yours without violating personal boundaries.
Allow yourself to be offended. Childhood grievances cause cognitive resonance - they are very painful and at the same time perceived as something that should not matter. Allow yourself to be offended and feel sorry for your younger self. Imagine a dialogue with yourself from the past. Ask this kid to be strong and persistent despite all the upcoming adversities and tell him about what dreams you managed to make come true and how many interesting events he will experience.
Don't let the feeling of childhood resentment take over you. Remember your right to choose - you can learn from the past and try to move on, or you can bear a huge burden of psychological pressures, complexes and uncertainty. Realize yourself today and understand that you are a very strong and mature person for being able to overcome all this. Now an adult who manages his own life.

Childhood traumas interfere with life in the future

How to forgive your loved one and let go?

How many tears are shed when love leaves! It’s very difficult after something like this to forget the betrayal of your significant other and start life anew. It is especially difficult for women in such situations.

• give him all his things, remove all photographs together so that nothing reminds you of him;

• take two weeks off and fly to warm countries to relax;

• try not to isolate yourself, go to the movies, cafes, clubs, somewhere where there are a lot of people, where life is in full swing;

• call your best friend for help, talk to her, cry, you will immediately feel better;

• write on a piece of paper all the shortcomings of your ex-lover, remembering all the bad things that are associated with him, tear the piece of paper and mentally say goodbye to this “scoundrel”.

How to live on

It is clear that with a click, depressing thoughts will not leave your head. They will torment for a year, perhaps more. It’s difficult to live with this; many women remain suspicious and mistrustful. If depression sets in, you should consult a psychologist.

If there is no psychologist nearby, then try to give your spouse what he was missing. Did he admit this to you in a frank conversation? If not yet, then find out what he lacks in the relationship. Don't forget to tell us about your desires. Start satisfying each other's wishes, then the relationship will become much happier.

Most often, a man lacks variety. You will have to work on yourself to give a man the energy to love you and be faithful. This is how their natural essence works.

From personal experience.

A friend of mine cried for a long time, suffered from her husband’s betrayal, and even got herself a bunch of sores. Then she cheated on her husband once. Where did her grief go, she lives happily. Now she is afraid that her husband will find out, and this fuels her passion for her husband.

The main thing is not to tell your spouse about your momentary weakness, because men are great owners. They don't forgive!

What does it mean when we forgive?

Most people naively believe that to forgive and give in means showing some kind of weakness and complete lack of will. But, in essence, this is a manifestation of great power.

You may be becoming somewhat vulnerable.

When you forgive, you gain enormous strength and completely cease to be dependent on various strong feelings that destroy you from within.

If a person continues to be angry with another for a long time, no matter how much pain he causes, then he continues to be no more and no less - in a state of victim.

When a person sincerely forgives another, he is completely freed

. And by letting go of his past for good, he can completely destroy the dam built from various claims, reproaches, anger, irritation and various grievances.

Washing away all my painful feelings

, energy will begin to pour out of your heart and it is at this time that transformation will occur to you, you will begin to embark on the right, completely new path of spiritual progress for you.

Beginning of work

First, you should recall in detail all those moments that cause you a feeling of resentment.

No matter how painful and unpleasant it may be, you must try to completely restore and write down on paper the situation that happened to you and the offender. This will be a mental block of information that you will have to work with in the future.

At first it will be difficult to remember everything. The fact is that our brain, in order to protect the psyche, often “erases” part of the information. And, if such difficulties arise, then it’s worth starting to write down just the thoughts that came to mind when thinking about what happened. Then the brain will gradually reconstruct the event itself - and you will be able to write everything down.

At the same time, there is no need to try to write down thoughts correctly, logically and beautifully. Just write what comes to mind and comes to mind. As you record, emotions will appear - they are the key that will help you get rid of bad memories.