When love has passed: how to separate on good terms

“When I got married, I thought that we would live “happily ever after” until death do us part,” recalls 29-year-old Irina. “And after three years I realized that it would not be possible to combine it.” I chose “happily” and filed for divorce.”

According to Roskomstat, divorces in Russia account for approximately two-thirds of the number of marriages. We asked systemic family psychotherapists Anastasia Akbarova and Alexey Mikhalsky to talk about why family projects end and what to do if separation is inevitable.

How do you know when it's time to break up?

Alexey Mikhalsky: We constantly predict our future. And in a relationship, a lot depends on what the prognosis is. We analyze our partner’s actions, and if we understand that our needs in this relationship will not be met, then the forecast is pessimistic and we are inclined to separate. Previous experience also influences the decision. That is, if we had a bad time in a relationship before, we are more likely to believe that it won’t work out this time either. However, different couples have different needs. And this is not always the need for affection and security.

There are couples in which the parties value independence, but they also enjoy, for example, traveling together or exploring the world and themselves. Proximity is not so important, they get it somewhere else. But to save a couple you need a mutual desire. If only one person is interested in it, it is unlikely that anything will work out.

Alarm calls - lack of sex, frequent quarrels. But nothing can be said for sure here. And when clients come to me, I suggest giving the relationship a trial period, performing different tasks, observing yourself. If the partners do not have a clear answer as to whether they want to continue living together, then the therapist does not have one either. You have to try it here.

Anastasia Akbarova: Even the separate phrase “I don’t want to be with you anymore!” - perhaps not so much a firm decision as a desire to hide from pain that cannot be dealt with in other ways. That is, you want to leave not so much from this person, but from the current situation. And here there may be a chance to help partners better understand themselves and each other, and establish communication.

Perhaps a relationship can be considered exhausted when partners are simply not interested in being together. They don’t make common plans, don’t know why they need to be around, and they don’t experience negative emotions, but “nothing,” emptiness. But it doesn’t often happen when both come to the idea of breaking up at the same time. Rather, the initiator is one person. And then the second one hurts more.

Reasons why you should definitely end your relationship

It also happens that you haven’t thought about breaking up, but the behavior of your loved one makes you feel bad. What features of your disposition indicate the need for a speedy end to the relationship?

You love and want to be close, but you feel that this does not bring joy to both. Instead of reciprocity, your partner pulls away, you notice more and more coldness, and the desire to talk is perceived as intrusiveness. It is possible that your partner is experiencing the feelings described above. Love is gone, come to terms with the impending ending.
Unreasonable jealousy. You feel good and interested, but one of your partners is constantly interrogating you, checking your phone, or arranging surveillance. If there is no trust in a relationship, it is better to end it and find a truly close person, to whom you will not need to make excuses for non-existent offenses.
Lack of respect . When a person does not perceive your desires, ignores your preferences and does not strive to understand, and you have not been able to get through for a long time, let him go. Further efforts will not bring the desired result, and the time spent will turn into a very painful memory.
You feel that the person next to you is not making an effort. This is a complex criterion that is individual for each relationship. But when a partner does not strive for a common future, it is difficult for him to change anything in his life for your sake, then it is worth thinking about whether it is necessary to continue and how such a relationship could turn out?
Assault and betrayal. A reason that needs no further explanation. If this happened once, and the partner sincerely repented of his action, there is a small chance to resolve the situation. But systematic repetition is the path to self-destruction. Leave immediately.

Why do people who separate so often quarrel and blame each other?

Anastasia Akbarova: When someone is in pain, depending on their character traits, they can hold the other, pull away, or attack him. Because if everything collapsed, did I make a mistake? And I want to say: “No, it’s not me, it’s your fault! You killed my best years” and so on. The law of life is paradoxical: it is easier to leave a good relationship.

Alexey Mikhalsky: Parting is like an accident. Everyone reacts differently. Some will remain silent, others will shout, scold other drivers, the road: this is how they cope with stress and give vent to emotions. One driver can then move on, while another needs a month of respite. The third one will never drive again. A break in a relationship means unjustified hopes for the future. It is always painful and affects your well-being and health. But everyone has different sensitivities and their own strategies for dealing with it.

Ways to help save relationships

The only reason to save them is the presence of desire. You shouldn’t desperately hold on to the past just for show. If a person causes unbearable negative feelings, efforts will become torment for him. For the partner too, because he will feel the pretense. When there is something to save, experts recommend:

Write a list of the qualities of your chosen one, the best moments from the beginning of your acquaintance.
Formulate a goal. Fear of loneliness is a bad motivation. If a person is not of interest, it is better to find a real soul mate.
More live communication with your chosen one, minimum time on gadgets.
A break. A few days without a partner, relaxation, immersion in your personal world will help you gain strength and get bored.
Morning coffee and other small acts of affection strengthen the bond.
Sexual experiments. New sensations and excitement will provoke a surge of interest and dopamine.
Let go of the past. A necessary condition: both partners agree with their share of the blame for the problems and forgive each other.
Adoption. The core of a person, the basis of his character cannot be changed. The relationship will only become more complicated.
Collaborative work. Calm, respectful discussion, equal dialogue is the first condition for positive change. Gradually the painful knots of misunderstanding will be untied.

Is a good relationship necessary after divorce?

Anastasia Akbarova: A calm relationship is a sign of a completed divorce. If divorce is seen as a failure, it hurts self-esteem. Nowadays, many couples, even if they do not have children or joint projects, try to separate amicably.

Alexey Mikhalsky: Of course, not everyone needs good relationships. It all depends on how much the partner fits into our picture of the world. If we can live in a situation where we no longer see this person, then there is no need to continue the relationship. But if they do not end, it is better that they are not traumatic. It happens that a couple breaks up, but the two continue to do what they love together. For example, they go to concerts, no longer claiming common intimate space. But most often this lasts until someone gets a new partner who takes over the attention.

List of signs of a temporary crisis

Some problems are temporary, they require a shake-up and effort. Sometimes the struggle drags on and leads to depression and hopelessness. The crisis becomes the end of communication. It is important to grasp this trait so as not to trade life for survival. When a relationship has outlived its usefulness and it’s time to leave, you will understand by the following signs:

Hysterics and quarrels start instead of discussions. Happy couples quarrel, but without self-assertion or insults. Uncontrollable regular arguments that do not solve the problem are an indicator of an unhealthy relationship.
There is no desire to intercede. The other half is insulted by acquaintances, but there is no desire to protect. Silent consent, ignoring ridicule of a partner and the relationship is passive aggression towards him.
Boredom. After the passion subsides, it is necessary to create a connection based on common interests. They are not always obvious. It's worth looking deeper. You can get carried away by something new at the same time.
There are no plans for a future together. Couples in love plan, discuss, dream in detail. When these images are depressing, boring, new dreams appear without the desire to dedicate your loved one to them - these are signs of distance.

There is no desire to improve. A connection that has ceased to inspire and inspire ends in degradation and pain.
The chosen one causes irritation. Imperfections that amused, touched, and added charisma now cause irritation and disgust. Rage arises from harmless everyday habits. Disgust is balanced by pity and condescension. Playing with stoicism and self-assertion is bad ground for a couple. Sometimes a cold partner blames himself for irritability. A vicious circle will lead to emotional exhaustion.
The couple avoids spending time together. They come up with excuses not to see each other. Anything seems more interesting: extra work, aimless walks. Leisure without a once loved one brings relief. The situation is complicated by lies and betrayals.
Coldness in bed. A decrease in sexual activity is acceptable for established couples. If intimacy is painful or avoided, then it’s time to sound the alarm.

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How to avoid ruining the relationship completely when breaking up?

Alexey Mikhalsky: Each partner should first of all think about what he himself needs. Then understand that a new page is opening in his life, the future is changing, and reflect on how he would like to see him. As regards the attitude towards a partner, the advice is negative and begins with “no”: do not decide for your ex-partner what and how to do, do not attribute to him any feelings and intentions, do not pursue him and do not dictate your terms. To make all this possible, it would be good to develop rules for how we will communicate with each other in this new situation - and start by discussing these rules.

What to do when a breakup doesn't bring relief

Even when a relationship has been a burden for a long time, and you have made the only right decision - to leave, a feeling of relief does not always immediately come. It’s not at all uncommon for the opposite to happen: you regret what you did and begin to want to take it all back. Here's why this happens:

fear of loneliness;
an established habit and attachment to a former partner;
fear of looking for new relationships;
condemnation from significant others.

How to deal with this situation and survive the break with dignity? First, have a conversation with yourself: remember why you decided to break up, what didn’t suit you about your partner, how you felt in an unhappy union. You can throw out on paper everything negative that pushed you to the final decision.

10 signs that it's definitely time for you to break up

For some time, you may wonder: Did I do everything possible to save the union? Even if you don't find a definitive answer, remember that everything takes time. Events that will happen in your life will gradually displace thoughts of a breakup. Talk through everything you are unsure about with your friends or psychologist. They will help you let go of the past and dot the i’s. Then, one day, you will realize that you have become absolutely free.

Psychologist's advice

Realizing that the relationship has come to an end, some couples try to find answers to many questions by turning to a psychologist for advice. Experts consider each situation individually, but based on experience they have already formed standard advice for men and women who want to save their family:

It is important to talk with your partner in order to determine what was the first signal indicating the emergence of difficulties.
You need to try to return to regular sex life, since it is the first criterion for well-being in the family.
Evenings together, walks, romantic dinners always bring us closer together.
To bring back the romance, you can go on a trip together, which will definitely bring the couple closer.
If a person firmly decides to stop communicating, you need to muster up the courage and let him go without exposing yourself to humiliation or lowering your personal self-esteem.

Advice from psychologists always helps you make the right decision and pushes you to take the necessary actions to save your family or end a relationship with dignity.

Married couples sometimes face temporary difficulties that lead to scandals, quarrels and divorces. It is important to learn to distinguish such a crisis from the end of a relationship, paying attention to visible signs in behavior or communication between partners.

Avoiding responsibility for mistakes in relationships

Another tip on how to know when a relationship is over is to monitor your behavior during conflicts based on mistakes. Any quarrel arises because someone claims that the other side is wrong. Divergence of interests in everyday life often occurs due to a discrepancy between reality and assigned interests. If a person admits his mistake in some situation, it means he really values you and wants to smooth out the conflict. If he twists his obvious guilt and tries to shift it onto someone else, this indicates an unwillingness to solve problems together.