Ways to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: advice from a psychologist

Leave your husband or endure it

If you already have doubts about the development of marital relations, this is the first step towards making a decision to break up. But in practice, everything looks different: dissatisfaction with relationships is perceived by women as a normal phenomenon. Therefore, many are guided by the principle “endure, fall in love.” There is no reason to tolerate a failed relationship, even if the spouses are connected by something more than a stamp in the passport, for example, shared parental responsibilities.

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You can endure regular troubles in relationships if:

during the dialogue, the spouses decided to join forces and work to restore the family;
problems in marriage are temporary and caused by age-related crises;
the second partner agreed to couples psychotherapy.

In other situations, doubts and indecision only make problems worse. A woman has the right to live a happy life, not only to love, but also to receive reciprocity. If it turns out that the relationship does not bring satisfaction, but only generates negativity and stress, there is no point in maintaining it at the cost of your life and happiness.

Lists

First of all, make two lists that will help you decide whether to get a divorce. In the first, write down the advantages of your new position, which you will receive after separating from your spouse. The second is the disadvantages. Take a two-week time-out, during which you add to these lists every day. At the end of the term, re-read them, correct them and make a decision based on the advantage. The arguments of experienced psychologists will tell you where to start.

3 arguments for:

If the idea of divorce has entered the head of one of the spouses, it will continue to arise even after reconciliation. This is rust that slowly but surely eats away at relationships.
Divorce is a chance to start a new life with a clean slate, taking into account past mistakes.
This is freedom - now you don’t have to answer to anyone for your actions and actions.

3 arguments against:

It is almost always harder financially for one person than as part of a family (the exception is when one of the spouses sits on the neck of the other).
If there is a child, he will henceforth be raised in a dysfunctional family. Even if his mother marries again, he may not find a common language with his stepfather.
Shattered nerves. Even if spouses divorce by mutual consent, no one can avoid worries and stress.

A start has been made - the scales are balanced, thanks to arguments from psychologists. But, since each situation is individual, now you must add new items to these lists based on your marital status. And only after that make the final decision.

Reason for your leaving

Most often, marriages break up due to a discrepancy between ideas about a partner and relationships with reality. Everyone has subconscious expectations, and if the result does not meet them, a feeling of dissatisfaction arises. Therefore, psychologists recommend that all couples in love “agree on the shore,” that is, voice their expectations before marriage.

When you are about to get a divorce, you need to understand whether or not there is a chance to establish a connection with your husband. If contact is still possible and it is possible to build a dialogue, it is worth starting with conversations. This is necessary to make the right decision. It is important to discuss the most significant issues regarding relationship problems:

It is worth finding out whether there is mutual love between the partners.
It is important to find out how the husband himself sees the situation.
It is necessary to find out how the husband feels about the fact that his wife wants to divorce.
It is important to voice your arguments and reasons for the discord in your marriage, and then discuss them with your other half.

If during communication it turns out that the husband also wants a divorce, this will significantly simplify the divorce process. This will also affect the emotional atmosphere.

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The presence of objective reasons for dissatisfaction with the relationship is grounds for breaking the connection. It’s worth starting to plan a divorce; marriage is overshadowed by the following things:

one or both partners have constant relationships on the side or allow themselves one-time infidelities;
the husband or wife is dependent on alcohol, drugs, or gambling;
the spouses do not have the same plans for the future;
the wife or husband does not want a child;
relationships are filled with quarrels and conflicts;
there are insurmountable financial issues;
There is psychological or physical violence in the marriage.

Even if these reasons are absent, the very desire to break the connection can be a valid reason.

There is no point in tormenting yourself in an unhappy relationship by constantly dreaming of divorce. If people fall out of love with each other or have never experienced warm feelings as a couple, divorce is also inevitable.

Common signs of a family on the verge of collapse

By carefully observing the couple, you can notice the prerequisites for an approaching separation.

Loss of trust .
Partners do not feel safe, the feeling of support and reliability disappears. Suspicion arises, it seems that the partner regularly lies and makes empty promises. People torture each other with interrogations, reproaches, outbursts of anger and jealousy.
Discrepancy in views and goals . People in a couple lose the ability to dialogue and search for compromises. Maintaining a relationship in which partners are pulled in opposite directions is almost impossible.
Suppression, emotional abuse. Characterized by the following features:
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1. attempts at total control;
pathological jealousy towards all areas of a partner’s life;
manipulation;
deprivation of the right to one’s own opinion and decision-making;
expectation of complete submission, service, fulfillment of desires;
tyranny, attempts to isolate from others (friends, relatives, acquaintances).
Disappointment from unfulfilled hopes . The image of a partner in your head, expectations, hopes may significantly differ from reality. Irritation, anger, and accusations against a loved one appear. Criticism, dissatisfaction, and attempts to make the other half fit their fictitious standards are intensifying.
Bad habits, addictions . Addiction takes away physical, moral and mental strength. The support of a loved one in the early stages is priceless. But later the battle is lost, the relationship becomes painful, and a painful breakup occurs.
Boredom, alienation . Despite limiting factors - habit, children, financial dependence - partners eventually feel like strangers to each other.
Different pace of development . One of the partners strives for development, expands his circle of friends and worldview. The other does not feel the desire to change anything, remains at the same level, increasing the gap in the couple or marriage.
Financial difficulties . It manifests itself in the difference in monetary priorities, income, one of the partners earns more. Spending money without taking into account the interests of the second partner, stinginess, accusations of wastefulness.

How to understand yourself and understand that it’s time to leave

There are no universal instructions, because only the woman herself can understand that divorce is inevitable in the future. The main sign that a marriage is doomed to divorce is a strong feeling of dissatisfaction with the relationship. It is accompanied by a feeling of hopelessness and inability to influence the situation. If a woman decides to consider the possibility of divorcing her husband, she needs to ask the following questions:

“What do I want from a relationship?”;
“Am I getting what I want?”;
“What can I do to receive this?”

Relationships are economics. Each partner invests something and receives something in return. When someone invests more than they receive, an imbalance occurs and over time this leads to serious discord. If you analyze relationships based on this rule, you can understand when it is time to divorce your husband, and in what situations you can wait until better times.

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The main thing is not to miss the signs of an approaching divorce and begin to analyze the relationship. Some guiding questions will help you understand yourself:

“Are there objective reasons for divorce?”
“What will the relationship come to if you don’t take action?”
“Can anything be changed?”
“What will change if you decide to divorce?”

It is also important to understand what exactly stops you from taking decisive action. If these are good reasons, it's worth looking into them. If these are just fears and uncertainty, you need to work through your emotional state, carefully weigh all the pros and cons of breaking up the relationship and start acting.

We stopped talking to each other

At first we chatted a lot: where you studied, what you do, how you look at the world, who your parents and friends are, what music you listen to, what books you read, what films you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about.

But over time, the topics exhausted themselves. It became clear to both that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie “What Men Talk About,” when Camille reads a text message from his wife: “Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".

Sometimes the conversation turned to views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, there was no dialogue - it was more like consultations. My husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.

Conclusion

Communication is the main component of any relationship.

Most of the time you communicate. And it should be enjoyable for both of them.

If your partner looks into your mouth, and you spend your life raising children, over time you may get tired of it. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want independence.

Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one person constantly drags the other one along, or when people go their separate ways, vital chatter gradually disappears.

How to understand that your partner wants to get a divorce

Although less often, men also sometimes initiate separation. If a man begins to be tormented by doubts, then he analyzes the relationship for a long time, tries to make amends for his guilt, and is not afraid to express claims against his wife. Often, due to their character traits, men do not notice or ignore the signs of an impending divorce. Therefore, the conversation can take place immediately before the divorce. But a woman can notice from changes in her husband’s behavior that he wants to leave:

He avoids communication.
He completely stopped criticizing his wife, making claims to her, or suggesting changes.
He began to stay late at work more often, and on weekends he finds reasons to sneak out of the house so as not to meet his other half.
He is often depressed or even depressed.
He does not discuss long-term plans with his wife and shares his experiences less often.
He began to have secrets, he became secretive and withdrawn.

It is easier for a woman to feel the emerging coldness in a relationship due to her developed emotional intelligence. If a man has not yet made a final decision, and both partners want to preserve the union, everything can still be corrected. It is important to first understand whether this is worth doing and evaluate the situation in the marriage. Not all families can be saved at the stage of preparation for divorce. But you can connect a specialist - a psychologist or family psychotherapist.

Marriage experts recommend:

develop communication in a constructive direction;
do not hush up complaints;
engage in analysis so as not to repeat negative experiences in future relationships;
Do not blame yourself and your spouse for a failed marriage.

There is no point in making guesses: if you suspect that your partner is planning to break off the relationship, you need to ask a direct question. This will relieve pain and anxiety and speed up the resolution of a difficult situation in marriage.

Warning signs in the behavior of a wife/girlfriend

When a partner indulges in thoughts of separation or has made a decision, but is not ready to voice it, there are some signs that an attentive man will understand that the relationship is coming to an end.

Provoking quarrels

Sometimes the reason is accumulated irritation. In other cases, a woman provokes conflicts, pushing a man to outbursts of aggression. After strong words from his mouth or the use of force, there will be a reason to break off the relationship.

Indifference, coldness, boredom sets in

The girl or wife becomes indifferent to what is happening , does not show her characteristic warmth, her gaze becomes dull. If there is fire in the eyes, most likely it is caused by another man.

A woman is burdened by her partner's company

More joyfully spends time with a friend, watching TV series, on the Internet. Hints appear, requests to leave alone, not to interfere.

Lack of joint activities

The partner avoids doing anything together . Partners spend time only according to their interests.

Changing the manner of communication

The intonation reveals disdainful notes, familiarity, and disrespect. The beloved stops addressing her partner with a diminutive name, and sometimes starts calling him by his last name.

Stops holding onto spouse/boyfriend

Avoids going to the movies or going for walks together . Does not ask questions when the partner is going to meet friends or go fishing. This sign is not always alarming; in women closer to 40, it means maturity and respectful attitude towards their partner.

Lack of intimacy, physical contact

A girl or wife does not strive for intimate relationships, simple manifestations of warmth and care become rare, kisses and hugs disappear. This behavior does not always mean betrayal. A woman may simply lose interest in a particular partner.

Signs of betrayal appear

Late returns from school or work.
Hasty trips to the shower after arriving home.
Frequent long business trips.
Avoiding eye contact.
Refusal to take boyfriend/spouse to a corporate event or meeting with friends.
Silence, reluctance to communicate.
Spending a lot of time online, texting.
Changing your profile photo on social networks (the shared one has been deleted).

What to do when tension lingers

When spouses go through a period of tension in their relationship, at first they do not attach any importance to it. The couple justifies all the troubles as a temporary crisis, fatigue, and in fact such phenomena are considered the norm in marriage. But if the tension is the result of a natural restructuring of the relationship and reaching a new level, the tension disappears over time, and the spouses become closer. If the crisis period does not end, you need to take action - it will not go away on its own.

The following steps can be taken:

To begin with, just sit down and talk with your other half, admit that there are problems in your marriage.
Discuss possible reasons, listen to each other.
Decide to work closely together to restore harmony in the marriage.
Start acting together.

To refresh a relationship during a protracted crisis, it is worth spending more time together. It is also important to change the environment, take a break from everyday life, or make changes to your usual, routine life. If the plan to save the relationship does not work, there is only one chance for happiness - divorce.

Is it worth saving the family?

When obvious signs of an imminent divorce are detected, the question arises: is it worth saving the family? You need to understand that problems appear sooner or later in any relationship. In the initial stages of their occurrence, the marriage can be saved.

Sometimes children serve as a reason for maintaining a relationship. In this case, there is no guarantee that there will be a positive atmosphere in the family. Preserving a marriage through force can aggravate the situation. The decision must be made on an individual basis.

What not to do

If you see signs that a husband or wife wants to get a divorce, you should not lose sight of them. It is impossible to solve a problem without acknowledging its existence or giving it importance. It is also important to understand what not to do if the marriage is doomed to divorce:

There is no point in delaying - the sooner the problem is solved, the less painful the breakup will be.
You should not make hasty decisions and make impulsive attempts to immediately burn all bridges.
You cannot remain silent about what you are not happy with and hope that divorce will solve this problem. It is important to voice complaints: maybe your partner does not realize that there is something unpleasant in his actions.
You cannot act alone - you need to involve your partner in an active discussion of problems.
You should not hope that your partner will change and everything will work out. Saving a marriage is possible only if the partners join forces.

Manipulating a divorce without taking real action is a bad idea. If there is a need for a breakup, you need to act, not talk about it.

Precursors to a gap in a man's behavior

Men prefer to postpone talking about the upcoming breakup until the last minute.

You can feel the end approaching by your behavior:

Intuition suggests that the guy/spouse is not in love, has moved away, has grown cold.
Secrets, secrecy, omissions appeared. Talking on the phone behind closed doors, minimizing tabs on the computer when your girlfriend/wife approaches.
Dissatisfaction, search for reasons for quarrels. Nitpicking about appearance, habits that the partner previously put up with or did not notice. The opposite situation is possible - the disappearance of quarrels. Relationships cease to be of interest; there is no point in figuring them out.
Passion and intimacy disappear. The partner refers to fatigue and workload, but instead of relaxing next to his beloved and children, he goes to have fun in the company of friends.
All signs of attention were gone. The boyfriend or spouse ignores holidays, does not strive to spend weekends with family, and refuses to help with the children.
Aggression in response to problems and requests for help.

Why women are afraid of divorce

If a woman doubts whether she should get a divorce, most often her hesitation on this matter is dictated by fears. Depending on the situation, each female representative has her own fears that prevent her from objectively analyzing problems in relationships.

The fear of loneliness is most common, especially if a woman led a secluded, homely lifestyle. But loneliness in marriage is no better. It is worth starting to establish social contacts, devoting more time to developing friendly relationships, and also maintaining contact with relatives. These people will be able to provide the necessary support during a painful breakup.

The second practical nuance is the housing issue. Women try to save fading relationships only due to the lack of their own living space. But this problem can also be solved if you take responsibility for your life. There are several simple solutions:

achieve the division of jointly acquired housing and exchange it;
choose a suitable rental apartment taking into account financial capabilities;
loan for the purchase of real estate;
turn to relatives for help.

The fear of injuring children by breaking up a marriage also keeps a woman from taking radical measures. But this fear has no real reason. For children, parental divorce is a traumatic experience. But it is much more dangerous for a child’s psyche to constantly remain in the oppressive atmosphere of an unhappy family. Moreover, divorce is not a reason for parents to stop fulfilling their responsibilities.

You just need to explain that dad and mom, after breaking ties, will still participate in the child’s life, but they won’t live together.

The fear of being left without financial security is inherent in many women who tolerate unloved husbands. Having become financially dependent, it is difficult for a spouse to move to the level of independent support. It’s worth thinking about this in advance - finding a suitable source of income. Financial independence from her husband will give a woman freedom from fear and the opportunity to act based on her desires.

Fear of being alone

the representatives of the fair sex the desire to be the keeper of the family hearth , to take care of their husband and children, to protect and help them. The formation of psychological dependence occurs over years and it is unlikely that it will be possible to get rid of it quickly. Feelings of anxiety, apathy, lack of interest in life - these are characteristics of people who have just broken up.

In this case, it is very important to tune in to a positive wave , set yourself up for the good, believe in yourself, no matter what happens. Remember what you were interested in before marriage, gradually return to what brought you pleasure. Then life will sparkle with new colors.

It's normal to be afraid, it's a natural instinct. Don't be afraid of the prospect of being alone. It's much worse to live your whole life next to a person you don't love.

Lost time

Before breaking up, many women have thoughts that stop her from taking a decisive step and seem at least strange to others.

In a conversation with their girlfriends, they say in frustration that they spent the best years of their lives on a scoundrel. Firstly, young ladies say this out of resentment towards themselves. After all, they were the ones who once made the wrong decision. But as we know, there are no perfect people, everyone can make mistakes. There is no need to shed bitter tears over missed opportunities; what happened, happened. Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back