How to understand that love has passed and it’s time to end the relationship - sure signs

No matter how sad it is to realize this, almost each of us has, at some time in our lives, uttered to ourselves or out loud the fatal phrase “it seems that love has passed.” Why is this happening? What happens to people who are once madly in love with each other? Where do feelings and emotions go? Why does a person whom we recently loved for every shortcoming now irritate us even with his virtues? And is this really the end? Maybe you just need time to put everything in its place?

Let's try to understand this difficult question - how to understand that love has passed. Colady's editors will tell you when you need to think about ending a relationship.

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Read: How to bring passion back into a married couple's relationship.

How to understand that love has passed - 4 signs from family psychologist Olga Tsarenko

Love is a deep feeling. It should not be confused with falling in love!

Often we are in relationships, realizing that everything is no longer as we would like, but we attribute this to grinding in and everyday issues. Justifying this by the fact that this is probably the case for everyone, the passion subsides and more equal relationships remain. And it's one thing when you swear constantly. But it happens that everything is smooth - no quarrels, no emotions.

So what are the signs of love ending?

1. You are not eager to spend time together. When you prefer to completely occupy your free time with your interests, without including your once beloved partner.
2. You do not strive to be interested in your partner's affairs. It’s not about the banal “How are you?” at the end of the day, but with a sincere interest in your partner's life.
3. Things that you had not previously noticed begin to irritate you.
4. You don't want to improve your relationship.

Love is the work of two people who build a bridge to each other, constantly! This is openness, passion, support, respect and understanding of each other. It is also important that love, if it exists, can be returned. The main thing to remember is that when building relationships, it is important to look in one direction, and not try to pull the blanket over yourself.

About the features of the fading of feelings

It is impossible to give a definite answer to the question “Does love pass?” Feelings can last throughout life, or they can fade away almost immediately after marriage or the start of a relationship. All people are different and cannot love in the same way. If at a young age love is a passion, with stormy emotions, experiences and jealousy, then in adulthood it is calmer, and every year it acquires depth. It is impossible to say that love passes, it changes. Anyone who is able to understand this will be able to carry it through his entire life, enjoying every new facet.

But alas, life is designed in such a way that it constantly tests a person’s strength. The same goes for his feelings. A loved one can get sick, but not everyone is capable of caring. Test failed. One of the partners cheated, had a lover or mistress, succumbing to passion or circumstances, and the second is not able to accept and forgive - the test is failed. And so on ad infinitum.

If a person stops developing, he becomes uninteresting to his partner, and an unrequited feeling arises. People are designed in such a way that they need constant informational and emotional nourishment. When a person stops receiving this from his soulmate, interest quickly fades, he goes in search of new experiences from the outside.

Feelings gradually fade away as the partners have less and less in common.

Why is this happening

It seems to lovers that their feelings will last forever. When expectations diverge from reality and love disappears without a trace, people feel deceived. In fact, the main reason for the cooling of feelings is precisely self-deception. A person himself does not notice that by lying to himself or his partner, he is driving himself into a psychological trap.

Anyone can get into it, so it’s worth studying each of the possible scenarios and determining where the potential danger comes from:

1. Idealization of a partner - gradual recognition of each other by lovers gives free rein to imagination. All personal actions and words are passed through the prism of similar actions of the object of love. A search for common ground occurs, scenes and possible dialogues are modeled in the head. In the end, the image of the beloved becomes overly idealized and moves further and further away from the real.
2. No criticism - a person’s actions with this model of behavior are guided by the subconscious. Critical thinking is turned off when some goal arises in relation to the object of attachment. It turns on again when the goal is achieved. For example, a woman marries a man she likes, but her only goal is to have a child. When the baby is born, the wife, who previously had not paid any attention to her husband’s personality, suddenly begins to feel contempt and hostility towards him. His shortcomings become obvious, his behavior and manners irritate him, and the marriage begins to come apart at the seams. Most often, critical thinking is turned off for a period of 6-12 months. This time is enough for a person to get what he wants.
3. Search for an ideal - every person has an image of an ideal partner in their head. It is formed according to certain criteria, often based on fictional images of heroes from cinema, literature, and show business. We rarely compare such an image with reality. Even if you manage to meet a person who fully meets all the requirements, your feelings for him also pass. Why? Because the invented lyrical image is limited, even the “ideal” can have his own habits and characteristics, which you think about only when you come face to face. And so they just diverge from expectations.
4. Endure and fall in love - such a statement is typical for supporters of the traditional model of relationships and adherents of family values. Young people are taught that they need to save the family by any means necessary, that hardships and discomfort must be endured, even if they directly relate to communication between spouses. But such behavior is destructive and gradually destroys the relationship between a man and a woman. Respect gradually disappears, and if it is not there, then feelings begin to fade.

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Signs that love has passed

To understand in a timely manner that love is passing, signs of the fading of old feelings and the emergence of new ones, atypical for harmonious communication, will help:

• Irritation - literally everything in a once loved person begins to irritate (behavior, habits, smell, facial expressions). External shortcomings immediately begin to catch your eye.
• Reluctance to spend time together - joint leisure is no longer enjoyable, the pleasure of communication disappears. A person loses the desire to rush home from work, he is increasingly alone or in a friendly company. The greater the distance between partners, the more comfortable each of them is.
• Moving away from a partner - people no longer share their impressions and thoughts, talk less, they are frankly bored and hard around each other.
• Visual and tactile contact ceases. People look at each other less and try to avoid touching.
• Lack of joint plans and desire to build them.
• Sex does not bring pleasure, it is perceived as a duty. Or there is a complete lack of sexual attraction to each other.
• Quarrels no longer cause emotional reactions. Passion gives way to indifference. There is no desire to understand the situation and make peace.
• Lack of thoughts about your partner - if earlier the entire thought process was devoted to him, now even during the whole day you may not remember him even once. The experiences of a former loved one, his worries, his views no longer arouse interest, and there is no desire to show care.

If a person doubts whether he still loves his husband or wife, it is enough to imagine that he is very ill. If there is no desire to care for him, to sacrifice yourself and your time for the sake of care, it means that the feelings have lost their depth or disappeared completely.

If love has grown into a habit, there is no point in trying to maintain such a relationship. Such communication only brings pain. It is quite natural for a person to have a fear of loneliness, so he is in no hurry to leave his once beloved soul mate. But this is a road to nowhere. You need to find the strength to put an end to the old, otherwise the new will never come.

What to do to save the feeling

In any relationship, sooner or later a crisis occurs.

Sometimes feelings fade away irrevocably, but often they can still be returned or revived:

• Get rid of routine, add variety to everyday life. You can’t sit in front of the TV or on the Internet all weekend. It’s better to go to the park together, have a picnic or go on rides. You can’t escape from new emotions and an adrenaline rush; they will dilute the boredom that has recently become habitual and lift your spirits. But the vacation should be thought through carefully, deciding in advance where the couple will spend time.
• Complaining to friends, colleagues or family will only do harm. Often women want to hear advice to save their relationship. But the irony is that everyone has their own problems, what helped one may ruin everything for another. You should not interfere with strangers in your personal life. If you really want to speak out and understand how to act, it is better to consult a psychologist. A specialist is a disinterested person, so his assessment of the situation is more objective.
• Your loved one should have personal time and space. Even one day a week is enough for everyone to completely devote it to themselves. Freedom gives you the opportunity to miss your companion without getting tired of him!
• You need to talk about feelings without hesitation, but you cannot repeat words of love every minute. It is worth reminding your loved one why he is so valuable and talking about your gratitude. The usual “Thank you!”, said to a loved one for a small thing, works wonders and helps to preserve love.
• Attention - you need to remember your loved one regardless of place and time. Small signs of attention (correspondence, a romantic dinner or a small gift) will not only surprise, but also delight your partner. You can do something unusual, something that he doesn’t expect, the main thing is not to bring him into a state of shock by overdoing it in your efforts.
• Similarity of interests ensures strong and long-lasting relationships. If there are none, it is enough to show respect for each other’s hobbies and not criticize them.
• You need to constantly consult with your soul mate. If you try to do everything yourself, without sharing your loved one’s plans, one day this will lead to mistrust, even if your thoughts were the purest. The “deceived” spouse will have the feeling that they don’t want to take his opinion into account, that he is no longer needed and is not important. Therefore, you cannot confront him with a fact; it is always worth discussing everything in advance.

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Such actions are appropriate at any stage of a relationship; there is no need to wait until the partner begins to dislike his former loved one.

It is believed that love begins to fade 17 months after the start of a relationship. But it is wrong to talk about specific dates. Sometimes the crisis may come earlier, sometimes later. But you need to be prepared for the fact that such crises will arise periodically throughout your married life.

Women, and some men as well, can be advised to work on their daily menu and make it more varied. No matter how tasty the borscht and cutlets are, they get boring. Everyone wants variety. It is not at all necessary to study the cuisines of the world and study culinary sites. It is enough not to repeat it for a week.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Attractive appearance, fit and healthy body are rarely repulsive. You want to be around a well-groomed person all the time.

How to understand relationships

How to do it? You can talk to a psychologist who can help in this matter. Or you can take an A4 piece of paper and divide it into two halves. On the left you should write what suited you in the relationship. On the right, write what didn’t suit you in the relationship. You need to be honest with yourself, you are writing this for yourself.

Look at what was NOT satisfactory, boring, could not be resolved, irritated, etc. You will see that you tried to fix something, but it didn’t work. Therefore, you should not waste time, but make a decision to “psychologically” end the relationship and call it a day.

At the end of the sheet, you should draw your conclusions by describing what experience you learned from this relationship.

And then you need to give yourself a deadline, how long you will endure and move on. Cry, sob, but only for a certain time, and then try to get rid of your ex-partner’s things, remove cups, spoons, photographs, things, etc. “out of sight.” Don't irritate your memory with endless reminders of him. Thank him for the good things personally or mentally, and EVERYTHING!

Why feelings for my husband disappeared - let’s understand the reasons

Before you think about returning or not returning feelings to your husband, you need to figure out why and at what stage of life they disappeared. The reasons why love falls asleep (dies) do not change at all times:

• Youthful maximalism (“I’ll never meet anyone better!”) and a gradual “insight” after the wedding - “it seems I bet on the wrong horse.”

• Marriage as a forced necessity due to pregnancy, and not mutual desire.
• Marriage at an early age.
• “The fire went out because no one added wood . Family life has become just a habit. The desire to yield, to please, to surprise is a thing of the past. In the present there is a routine without a hint of a spark between them.
• Accumulated grievances. He didn’t help with the child, he only thinks about work, he hasn’t given me flowers for a long time, he doesn’t protect me from his mother, etc.

• Cheating on her husband, which cannot be forgiven and forgotten.
• Missing male attractiveness (and male viability).
• My husband doesn't want to have children.
• The husband fell under the influence of the “green serpent”.

• Loss of rapport or trust.

I am a bad influence on my partner's self-esteem

Sometimes people around us tell us things that we are not entirely pleased to hear. But if these phrases sound without mockery or malicious intent and are said by truly close people, this is a reason to think about it. If your friend or relative talks about your negative aspects, consider yourself lucky because this is a chance to change and become a better person. And if you break off your relationship with this person, you miss your chance to change.

It is very important here to filter information and separate situations. If your partner or friend scolds you, mocks you and shows his disrespect, this is at least a reason for a serious conversation. No one has the right to demand perfection from you, much less express their claims in a rude and tactless manner.

Causes of bad relationships

1. Unreasonable jealousy of a partner and total control. It is necessary to report, ingratiate yourself, and coordinate almost all of your actions, right down to going to the store.
2. Cheating and “loud” showdowns that are physically exhausting. New relationships require time and energy, so it’s worth taking a closer look at your partner. He is late at work, there is no money “like before”, some strange calls and SMS messages, here are all the signs that someone has appeared “on the horizon”
3. Complete lack of respect from the partner and indifference. Previously, you would wholeheartedly defend your partner’s interests, respect his opinion on some issues, but now you are increasingly entering into endless contradictions and proving that you are right
4. Relationships “flow” with a complete absence of joy, and they say “like in a swamp.”

A “swamp” in a relationship always leads to a break; it’s worth talking with your partner about the reasons for this in your relationship. Don't be afraid that he will leave you, abandon you, betray you. A partner is also a person, so you should always count on honesty in a relationship; before, you somehow talked and resolved difficult issues.

Why do people who separate so often quarrel and blame each other?

Anastasia Akbarova: When someone is in pain, depending on their character traits, they can hold the other, pull away, or attack him. Because if everything collapsed, did I make a mistake? And I want to say: “No, it’s not me, it’s your fault! You killed my best years” and so on. The law of life is paradoxical: it is easier to leave a good relationship.

Alexey Mikhalsky: Parting is like an accident. Everyone reacts differently. Some will remain silent, others will shout, scold other drivers, the road: this is how they cope with stress and give vent to emotions. One driver can then move on, while another needs a month of respite. The third one will never drive again. A break in a relationship means unjustified hopes for the future. It is always painful and affects your well-being and health. But everyone has different sensitivities and their own strategies for dealing with it.

Stages of love when chemistry passes

Love is not a static feeling, it changes over the years and may subside completely, this is absolutely normal. Psychologists distinguish 4 main stages of love:

1. Love. This is the time of those “butterflies in the stomach”. The lovers want to be together all the time, talk a lot, and gradually get to know each other. This period lasts from a couple of days to a couple of months, maximum six months.
2. Passion. When partners know each other well enough, the feeling of falling in love turns into a desire to possess your soulmate. It is at this time that intimate relationships begin, and being close to your partner brings maximum pleasure. The period of passion lasts about a year.
3. The height of love. The first passions subside, but a feeling of jealousy and possessiveness arises. A loved one is already becoming a part of life, the relationship can be called serious, thoughts about a wedding appear. But already during this period some shortcomings appear, and although partners sometimes try to change each other, this has not yet become a serious problem. This period lasts about two more years.
4. Cooling of feelings. There are no longer those hormones that make your heart race at the mere sight of your loved one. The need to constantly see each other disappears. The rose-colored glasses disappear, and partners begin to see each other with all their shortcomings. The lovers begin to look for compromises and try to accept each other. If this works out, the relationship reaches a new level, where trust and mutual understanding become the main ones.

Most often, couples get married during the height of love, so feelings cool down already during family life. Love will disappear if the partners initially did not suit each other in character, life principles and views.

To some extent, the phrase “love lasts three years” is indeed true. Scientists have proven that it is after 3 years of a relationship that a turning point occurs when some hormones are replaced by others. The very feeling of love changes, and if the partners were connected by nothing but passion, they will separate.

It is believed that love lasts 3 years, but in fact, after three years the passion simply subsides