Deciding to divorce your husband is always difficult - perhaps it is even more difficult than deciding to get married. Until the very end, we are tormented by doubts and uncertainty about the correctness of the chosen decision. How do you know if divorce is the only option for your family? Is this easy from a legal point of view? You will find answers to these and other questions in the article.
How to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: main signs
Signs that indicate the inevitability of divorce
:
- When you return home from work or a walk, you feel disappointed. It intensifies when it is discovered that the spouse is also at home. You are better off alone, without him. It's time to decide to divorce your husband if you are pleased by his absence from the same territory as you, for example, when he is on a business trip, or in any other absence. The solution is obvious if you feel relief in its absence.
- There are no common topics for conversation. We are not talking about the dizzying feeling that occurs in lovers when it is pleasant to even just be silent. The silence of estranged spouses has a different character, and you understand this. You try to hide behind household chores, surf the Internet, take work home - all this takes priority over communicating with your spouse.
- It's time to decide to divorce your husband if you don't know what's going on in his life and don't have much interest in it. The spouse shared with you all the details of the work, now you know about them in passing. He doesn't start a conversation, and you're okay with that.
- Sex is a rare guest in your marriage. In the first months of marriage, almost every conflict ended with a kiss and intimacy. Now such a development of events is impossible - resentment and misunderstanding are stronger than desire. Now the bed remains primarily a place to sleep. Or you started sleeping separately (this point in itself is not scary if there are no other “symptoms” that it’s time to decide to divorce your husband).
- One of the parties is having an affair. If this happens, you must immediately decide to divorce your husband. Do not justify the continued existence of marriage by children, long years of marriage, or familiar life. Relationships have become artificial, fragile, humiliating. Couples who delay divorce when cheating usually inevitably break up, regretting the lost time.
- Coarseness. If there is physical violence, you need to leave immediately, without hesitation. Psychological and financial violence is also difficult to bear. Does your husband insult your appearance and intellectual capabilities? It is impossible to be happy at the same time. Financial violence can include the demand for a detailed report if you bought bread for 2 rubles more than usual, and other absurd situations related to finances that cause you anxiety.
- No time for jokes. Even the most serious relationships will quickly become boring if there is no healthy humor in them. You are annoyed by your husband's jokes, he ignores yours, or you have stopped joking altogether - your marriage is in danger.
Possible reasons for divorce
Psychologists believe that the breakdown of a relationship for women due to mental stress is equal to the loss of a loved one. Therefore, before getting married, it is worth considering the reasons for the desire to get a divorce, in order to make as few mistakes as possible in family life and protect future children from worries.
You can destroy a love relationship for any reason, but let's look at the most common reasons for divorce:
- marriage in the heat of passion. The basis of such a union was only sex. If there are no common views on life, husband and wife quickly get bored of each other. Rash actions very often lead to a break in relationships;
- The most common reason for divorce is the betrayal of one of the partners. It is difficult to forgive the infidelity of a loved one, and if this situation has been repeated more than once, then the desire to get a divorce comes instantly;
- couldn't stand each other's characters. The breakdown of a relationship is inevitable when both partners, due to their pride, have no desire to give in and get used to their loved one;
- The birth of the first child becomes a difficult test for young families. At this moment, both partners need to take all responsibility seriously, learn to sacrifice their selfish desires, and treat each other with love and care;
- people can get divorced over the slightest domestic disputes, but everyone knows that this is just a screen behind which lies the true reason for the breakup.
A common cause of divorce is infidelity by one of the partners.
To divorce or not: advice from a psychologist
Situations, according to the psychologist, suggesting divorce:
Love has passed
Are you sure there is no more love in the relationship? Sexual relationships with your husband are a burden to you, and do you pronounce declarations of love, making a great effort on yourself? In rare cases, the situation can be normalized - this requires great efforts on both sides. Don't even want to make an effort? The union is doomed.
Husband is an alcoholic or drug addict
Marriage prospects depend on the stage of drunkenness and drug addiction, and the husband’s sincere desire to fight the problem. If everything is fine in the family, and problems began after the appearance of an addiction, and the husband is aware of this, give him a chance. If the situation worsens and the husband ignores the problem, making life together more and more unbearable, decide on a divorce.
Another one appeared
In such cases, the husband often leaves on his own. However, more often a man is content to “play on two fronts.” In this situation, he does not love either woman - he likes the feeling of adrenaline or the benefits that these connections give him. The decision to break up is the right one. Perhaps over time your relationship will be able to resume, but fighting for a man while being married to him is stupid and humiliating.
Parasite husband
If your husband doesn’t want to work, then you have to work for both. Gradually the situation will become more and more unbearable for you. Even if you earn enough, over time, respect for your husband will be lost - whether you like it or not. Marriage in such a situation is a heavy burden.
Tyrant husband
This is an undeniable reason for divorce. A tyrant husband means only one thing - you constantly suffer humiliation, moral or physical violence. Nothing justifies such a marriage. For many women it ended tragically, although they did not count on it.
Break up, or... The last nails in the coffin of relationships
No desire to just touch
Remember how in the beginning we could walk down the street holding hands. It was so natural and self-evident to walk hand in hand! Or, lie watching a movie in an embrace, pressed against his chest. We could just hug and stand there, inhaling his (her) smell. Feeling warm and protected at the same time.
What's at the end of a relationship? The need to touch my partner disappeared. Moreover, there is a desire to withdraw your hand upon contact. I want to stay away from the man (or girl) physically. The distance noticeably decreases while we talk. From an intimate distance (up to 0.5 meters), it first grows to a personal distance (1.2 meters). And then it strives for social (from 1.2 to 3.5 meters).
The partner has become unimportant for survival in society
This is when we clearly understand “I can definitely do without him.” And it’s not just about money or a roof over your head. Although, sometimes about them too.
It is curious that in living relationships we unwittingly assign to our loved one the function of satisfying our most important needs. For example, such as the need for social approval. The need for protection and support. Also, the need to feel significant, valuable, loved. These needs are important for the survival of any Homo sociologicus - a social person living in society.
But in a dead relationship we don’t care anymore. Because we are determined to get it all from other sources.
I don’t want to share or talk. At all
This point naturally follows from the previous one. Because, psychologically, we no longer need the support and approval of our man (or wife, girlfriend). So, why share anything at all?
There is a caveat here. It is necessary to distinguish for yourself a persistent, long-term reluctance to be in contact and share from temporary resentment. Because if it's just a fight, then we can cool down. And then, finally, find the resources within yourself and start talking.
Test: Should you divorce your spouse?
This simple test will help you determine whether you should get a divorce. Answer questions and count points.
Do you think your husband takes enough care of you?
Yes – 0 point; No – 1 point;
Does it happen that when spending time with your husband, you remain in a gloomy mood for a long time?
Yes – 1 point; No – 0 points;
Are you irritated by your husband's hobbies?
Yes – 1 point, No – 0 points;
Do you want your husband to talk to you more, talk about his past day?
Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;
Do you think that almost all of your friends and acquaintances have better husbands than yours?
Yes – 1 point; No – 0 points;
Are you happy about your husband's success?
Yes – 0 point, No – 1 point;
Do you want to look attractive in front of your husband, for example, at home?
No – 1 point; Yes – 0 points;
Do you think your husband's job is more important than yours?
Yes - 0 points; No – 1 point;
In your opinion, does your husband pay enough attention to the children? If there are no children, do you think he will be a good father?
No – 1 point; Yes – 0 points;
Do you think that your life with your husband has improved compared to what it was before?
Yes – 0 points; No – 1 point;
Do you feel irritated with your husband on a daily basis?
Yes -1 point; No – 0 points;
Results:
0-3 points:
There are not as many problems in your marriage as you think. The results indicate that relationships can still be fought for. Try to think about how you can bring respect, love and other aspects of happy unions back into your marriage. Give your husband a chance.
4-7 points:
There are many problems in marriage, but if they have not been resolved for a long time, and you do not see the opportunity and desire of your husband to eliminate them, then this can lead to divorce.
8-11 points:
There is no point in continuing your life together. You need to separate at least for a while to look at marriage from a new angle. If problems are protracted, they are unlikely to be resolved. Don't waste time, it's time to move on separately from each other.
A test to help you understand whether a relationship is worth continuing: basic rules
I would like to say right away that the test does not oblige you to anything. Don't take it as a guide to action. Listen to yourself and your heart. Increased brain activity, by the way, is also not a hindrance to love.
The testing conditions are extremely simple: look at the picture and choose a blot of the color that you like best. Choose without thinking or analyzing anything. This is where it’s important to turn off your brain and listen to your intuition.
That's it, the test is passed. All that remains is to find out the results.
10 signs that it’s definitely time for you to break up.
How to build true love? Good advice.
Divorce from your husband: where to start
The first step: an internal decision, a firm willingness to leave. Once you have made a decision, cast aside your doubts. Tell your spouse about your intention to divorce. Drop spontaneity. Think carefully about the upcoming conversation. If you are afraid of getting lost, write down your speech on a piece of paper and re-read it periodically. You can make an audio recording and listen. When you decide to start a conversation, be in a businesslike mood. Imagine that you are about to have a conversation with a business partner.
Conversation plan
:
- Introduction. Example: “Let’s talk about later life.”
- Descriptions of problems. Identify the reason that forces you to initiate a divorce.
- Bottom line. If the husband is able to solve the problems voiced, there is a chance to save the marriage. If it does not depend on him, then discuss the details of the divorce. Speak clearly and use compelling arguments.
Remember what you want, ignore manipulation.
Legal side of the issue
Is divorce inevitable? Be prepared for the fact that the divorce procedure may take a long time. Divorce will be easy if good relations remain, there is nothing to divide.
If there are children, only the court will divorce. Is the property divided without outside help? The court must determine the procedure for communication with the child and the issue of child support.
Have you come to a conclusion that is contrary to the family code? To avoid misunderstandings later, the court will record the agreement.
Divorces are conventionally divided into groups
:
- The couple has no claims on their acquired property and has no children.
- There are children, but there are no mutual claims.
- The couple cannot come to a mutual agreement.
How to explain the situation to a child
Report the divorce with a clear belief that it is inevitable - after filing the application. Do not go into detail - give as much information as is enough to understand the situation. If the child is an adult, more explanations will be required.
Children under three years of age first evaluate intonation and emotions. The semantic content is still in the background. Parents, having stabilized the internal state, explain the situation to the child. Anxiety is unacceptable - it will be passed on to the child.
Older children need explanations. Children aged 3-6 years often take their parents' separation personally. Explain to the child that the relationship has changed between mom and dad - love for him is just as strong, and he did not influence the divorce, the decision was dictated by other factors.
It is important for both parents to participate in the conversation. Agree on a common position. The marriage relationship is over, but the presence of common children obliges us to build the necessary foundation of mutual respect and friendship. This is important for children. Example: “Dad needs to leave, but you will spend every weekend together,” “Dad will leave, but he will call every day.”
Focus on information that calms your child. Explain that meetings with dad will be regular, as well as communication by phone and Internet. Be truthful, talk about the conditions you are ready to fulfill.
What are the consequences of rash divorces?
Having experienced an unsuccessful marriage, people make the wrong conclusions, like “all women are hysterical” or “every man is a selfish creature,” and subsequent relationships will be built on the basis of this opinion. Children suffer the most after family breakdown. In their understanding, parents are a sacred, inextricable whole, and when it breaks, the child develops an incorrect idea about family life. Another psychological stress is the division of property, which in a painful state goes from a showdown over who will get the car to a decision about who the children will stay with.
