The syndrome of inflated expectations is a pathology in which a person experiences disappointment, anger, and develops complexes if something did not go according to the ideal plan in his head. Have you often idealized someone you just met, for example, and then were upset that he was not like that at all? People are not obliged to meet your expectations, because they may not even be aware that they have been entrusted with some kind of “ideal” mission.
Yes, when what you expect does not materialize, it causes discomfort. And not only for you personally. The consequences can also affect relationships. How do you know if you have such a pathology and whether you need to fight it?
In this article:
Symptoms of unmet expectations syndrome Consequences for a person Consequences for relationships How to calm high expectations
Partners must understand each other perfectly
The idea that in a harmonious relationship one always knows what the other is thinking extends beyond romantic relationships.
For example, parents often believe that they see right through their children, and then are very surprised when it turns out that they did not know them at all. In love unions, the belief that partners should understand each other perfectly is very harmful to both participants. Firstly, it gives rise to resentment. Yes, you didn’t say anything to your partner, but he could have guessed what you meant. And if he or she can't read your mind, he or she might not love you that much.
Secondly, this stereotype prevents you from asking again when you don’t understand something. You must see right through your partner, and therefore it is better to guess what he meant than to show your failure in telepathy.
Of course, couples who have been dating for some time begin to understand each other better and sometimes even guess each other's thoughts. But it’s better not to neglect the gift that nature gave only to man - speech. In any controversial situation, explain or ask. This will help make life easier and eliminate many reasons for quarrels.
Your partner will fit into your family model
Our understanding of relationships is not formed on its own. This is influenced by the model of the parental family, environment, and popular culture. As a result, for example, a guy whose mother “carried out” the entire life on herself expects the same from his girlfriend. Or, on the contrary, he grew up in a family of partner parents and now hears with bewilderment how his beloved demands that he get a third job so that she can cook borscht at home.
It would seem that the idea that all people are different lies on the surface. But many ignore it when it comes to things familiar from childhood. Moreover, a familiar form of relationship may be uncomfortable for the person himself. However, instead of looking at what happens outside of it, he tries to fit both himself and his partner into this Procrustean bed of habit. Finally, the situation itself does not look very fair, in which only one person has to adapt.
Of course, you can always find a lover with similar cockroaches in his head, and then the relationship will be simple and understandable. But it is much better to focus not on the usual framework, but on your feelings with your partner, gradually building a model of interaction that both will like.
Modality
Generally speaking, modality communicates attitude, evaluation. Three main groups can be distinguished:
- about the channel for obtaining information : told, saw, felt, remembered;
- about evaluating information : important, not necessary, annoying, admired;
- about limits or boundaries : allowed, legal, exists, possible, impossible, capable.
To work with images of the future, the last two types will be more useful to us.
The assessment - important, necessary, good, bad, pleasing, delightful, disgusting, offensive - determines the attractiveness of the event for you, but has virtually no effect on the certainty of this very future.
Necessity - must, obliged, impossible, forced, necessary - increases the certainty of the future and makes it difficult to change.
Possibility - I can, I am able, I am not obliged, I should not - on the contrary, makes the future less certain and easily changeable.
The certainty will also be influenced by the probability of the event - definitely, definitely, of course, possibly, probably, unlikely, maybe. In NLP's most beloved model of information refinement, the metamodel, necessity is a harmful constraint. They work with him to find out the consequences of going beyond the restrictions, for example, you can ask the question: - What will happen if you do this?
The partner is obliged to provide sex upon request
This expectation even has a name - marital duty. And it is often used without any irony: if one of the couple wants sex, the other is supposedly obliged to provide intimacy. This topic has been discussed a lot lately, and it seems that many have realized that sex without consent is abuse, even if the participants are in a relationship.
However, the problem here is not only on the “customer” side. He may not know that his partner does not want sex, because the other party may have the same misconceptions in his head that prevent him from refusing.
Moreover, contrary to popular belief, this is not only a women's problem. The approved masculine image is the kind of male who thinks about sex 24/7 and simply cannot say no. Therefore, it is difficult to refuse a man, because otherwise he will cease to correspond to this image. Although in reality he may get tired, feel bad, and prefer more interesting things.
As a result, due to their own delusions, a person of any gender agrees to sex, heroically endures it, and then gets angry with his partner, although he has no idea what he did wrong. There is only one solution here - talk and see each other as people, and not objects to satisfy needs.
When is it wrong to follow a lead?
Everything in the world is relative and has its limits. Including meeting other people's expectations. If a person constantly follows the lead of others, this leads to an internal conflict between his own “I” and the surrounding reality. And this, in turn, can cause a nervous breakdown or the development of depression.
You cannot follow the lead of others on fundamental and important issues. For example, if a young man wants to join the army and drive a tank, quite consciously and seeing the prospects in this activity, and not just succumbing to propaganda, then he should not embody the expectation of his mother, who believes that her son needs to enter a veterinary academy. If a woman wants to pursue a career and in the future sees herself as the head of a company, there is no need to fulfill the aspirations of others to have grandchildren or justify the hopes of her partner to leave the service after marriage.
You need to be especially careful about your boss’s expectations for additional work. If you always agree, then the manager will get into the habit of expecting overtime work. And when the moment comes to choose between what the employee himself has planned and the boss’s demands to stay late and do overtime, a refusal may be perceived as something out of the ordinary.
In other words, one cannot compromise on what is truly important to the individual. If you always agree with everything, then, as people say, “they will sit on your neck and go.”
Partners spend all their time together
A famous joke says that the family replaces everything, so you need to decide what is more important: everything or the family. And in life, some people in serious relationships want their partners to spend all their time with them.
And it doesn’t look like this: “You’re into sword fighting and macrame weaving. I’ll try to get involved in this too, so that we can go to classes together.” Usually it happens the other way around: “I’m not interested in sword fighting or macramé, so you won’t do that anymore.” As a result, the partners sit on the sofa in front of the TV, and the only common activity they have is food. They lost their personal interests, but did not acquire common ones.
Relationships should become a part of life, not replace it. So nothing criminal will happen if you don’t spend all your free time together. Quality is more important than quantity here.
Consequences for humans
When you are waiting for something, your subconscious forms a specific result of events and life that is about to begin. This is human psychology.
Mentally, you put energy into this formed image and wait for everything to begin to come true. But there is absolutely no return from this. The more you think about your desire, the weaker you become.
It seems to you that if you really want something, it will definitely come true. It can work if it's all up to you. But if you expect other people to magically do everything for you, you will be disappointed. They may have their own ideas, goals and desires.
The worst consequence of high expectations is permanent stress. If you are too demanding of others, and they do not live up to what you expect, you begin to look at it as a betrayal.
As a result, you lose the opportunity to enjoy life, try to knock on “closed doors” and are constantly disappointed.
Unjustified expectations
You lose the ability to soberly assess your capabilities. You want to earn a lot, but you don’t do anything for it, you just suffer, worry and get disappointed again, complaining about injustice.
Such torment sooner or later leads to a severe form of depression.
The partner will definitely change
Thanks to your efforts, after the wedding or after the birth of a child - in any case, this is one of the most dangerous misconceptions that forces you not only to get involved in an initially failed relationship, but also to develop it without receiving any return.
Usually in the position of a person who is trying to change a partner, but in the meantime suffers and tolerates his shortcomings, there is a lot of sacrifice. It is common to feel sorry for such a person. But let's look at it from the other side: it turns out that he fell in love with the image in his head and is now trying to fit another one into it. Moreover, he believes that he has every right to do so. Doesn't sound very nice, does it?
The idea that to love means to accept a person with all their flaws is utopian. If something about it irritates you, you will periodically experience negative emotions about it. But already at the start, it is better to understand whether you can continue the relationship if your partner never changes.
It's not even that people don't change - that's what happens. But a person does this when he wants, and not always in the direction in which you expected.
Symptoms of the syndrome of unjustified expectations
Photo by Fa Barboza on Unsplash
A person is constantly waiting for a reaction to some of his achievements. But these very achievements are understandable and necessary only to him. This is where indignation and resentment towards the whole world appears. How can that be? I worked so hard, but my neighbor gets a lot of money. I cook three times a day, the apartment sparkles, and I bring flowers to my friend, who watches TV series all day long.
By the following signs you can understand that you have been “covered” by this syndrome and it’s time to change something:
- Sudden mood swings that depend on the behavior of loved ones, a partner or life surprises;
- Persistent anxiety due to anticipation of the final result of your plans;
- Hyper-concentration on work, which must show your heroic efforts, which are expected to be appreciated by superiors;
- Rapid heartbeat and sleep disturbance due to being under constant stress because expectations do not match reality;
- There was a need for total control over family and friends, an obsession with their lives and the need to manage it, a manic desire to give advice without sparing oneself.
There is a huge disadvantage of this behavior: you can lose everyone who is dear to you. Not everyone will be ready to change for the sake of another person and live, trying to meet his goals and expectations.
The partner must stop communicating with the opposite sex
Sometimes partners are strongly required to stop any contact with people of the opposite sex. Sometimes demands reach the point of absurdity, for example, remove all women or men from friends on social networks or move to another job where the team is gender homogeneous. The logic here is: “You have already found your match, then why do you need to communicate with the opposite sex? And if you still want this, then you are looking for a replacement.”
Fortunately or unfortunately, unlike genders, of which there are several more, there are only two genders on Earth: male and female. And from childhood, a person builds relationships with representatives of both. It is quite strange to assume that he communicates with all people of the opposite sex solely out of intimate interest. There are, after all, family ties and job descriptions that make this necessary, and friendship has not been canceled.
If jealousy eats you up, then you need to fight it, and not with your partner’s environment.
Try to understand and evaluate your desires
When you consciously approach this issue and list everything you expect from your spouse and from your family life, you can evaluate how much your expectations in marriage can be realized. Perhaps your hopes arise from your parents' relationship, perhaps from your own dreams and desires. Perhaps you like to watch various TV series, watch melodramas, read various websites and forums on relationships, this is how you form your hopes. But, as we said earlier. You must listen only to yourself and listen to your desires and dreams. This is the only way you can truly understand what you want from a relationship with this particular person.
Your partner will never let you down
Trust is an important thing in a relationship. And it’s completely normal to hope that your partner always acts in the common interests and you can always count on him. But sometimes he will make mistakes. This does not happen because he is bad or does not love you. He's just not a robot, but an ordinary person. Sometimes he will put himself first, show weakness, experience stress, and hesitate in making decisions. And you too, by the way.
Errors vary in scale. Some of them suggest that you need to remember your partner's human nature and support him. Regarding others, you will have to make a decision: to forgive or not. But in any case, you shouldn’t demand that your chosen one be perfect.
Relationships will solve all problems
In movies, love is a magic pill for everything. You get to know your significant other and not only improve your personal life: work issues are resolved, all illnesses go away, and the sun shines for at least 12 hours a day. Therefore, when people are not going well in their lives, they sometimes desperately seek love instead of dealing with the problems they already have.
Relationships can greatly improve your life, but you shouldn't expect anything extraordinary from them. Responsibility for other areas of existence is still yours.
