No matter who says anything, we still worry about what opinion is formed about us in society. But sometimes this anxiety goes beyond the bounds when we stop acting, afraid of disappointing people with our word or deed. We do not give ourselves the right to make mistakes, we distance ourselves and stop trying to do something, thereby depriving ourselves of development.
Everyone will never like you
Accept it and come to terms with it. Trying to please everyone is madness and a waste of your resources. There will always be an individual who will take your actions with hostility, whether you want it or not. And this is completely normal, since we all look at the world “from different angles.”
Strangers, colleagues, friends and relatives have their own ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Some will support you, others will judge you based on their own judgments. Everyone will never immediately take your side, so in any case you will not act as someone expects from you.
Even if you do nothing, you will still face criticism that you are not taking action. And in this case, only you will lose, since you will miss opportunities, fearing a negative reaction.
Whether you act, whether you don't act, whether you live up to someone's expectations or not, one way or another you will disappoint someone. And if this is inevitable, then you need to choose what is beneficial for you and learn to listen with less trepidation in your soul to how your actions are assessed.
What matters is not how others evaluate your actions, but what you think about them yourself. This is your life, which no one will live for you.
And since we cannot be ideal for everyone, trying to become a standard for everyone is a road to nowhere. It just doesn't make sense, we'll never please everyone at once. Therefore, we need to understand what is adequate for ourselves and act on this basis.
Lifetime guilt
Hopes are not justified.
And the person waiting shifts all responsibility for his failed happiness onto the one with whom his aspirations were connected. The latter is doomed to listen to bitter complaints. They are repeated so often that he begins to seriously believe in his imaginary guilt. Children suffer especially greatly in this case. The child cannot be critical of other people's hopes. Moreover: it depends on the adults and their location. Any disapproval creates a feeling of anxiety and reduces the feeling of confidence. And then a lifelong fear of not living up to other people’s expectations begins.
Feelings of guilt can be real torture. Many adults still have good girls/boys inside them who must do exactly what anyone expects of them. It is not so easy to realize that there is often no rational basis behind hopes. But even if you understand this at the level of reason, bitterness in your soul sometimes remains.
Leaving your comfort zone
The first thing you need to do when you start to fight the fear of disappointing others is to get out of your comfort zone. Being in your comfort zone, you maintain your usual way of life. There is less stress and worry if you do the same things every day. But if you do the same thing, then hoping to get a different result is also pointless. You get stuck in the same events, you get stuck at one point and no development occurs.
You not only stop moving forward, but, most likely, roll back, since other people at this time can be engaged in their personal growth, thereby you miss the most valuable thing you have, namely time.
Sometimes the only way to get out of a stagnant swamp is to leave your comfort zone. Yes, this is not always easy to do. Yes, this requires effort. You will experience anxiety, stress, and discomfort. But when you overcome yourself and look back, you will be proud of yourself. You will enjoy that your life does not stand still, as you have found the strength to continue on your way.
We all once learned to walk, use cutlery and pronounce our first word. And in the end we managed. Now we have to do something similar. We need to learn something new, get out of the usual scenario and do something that is out of our comfort zone.
Start with something small. This may be a task that you have been putting off because you were uncomfortable doing it. For example, you may tell your colleague or business partner something that has been on your mind for a long time, but which you did not want to talk about for fear of facing criticism.
Even if you just force yourself to take the first step out of your comfort zone, you will feel a little stronger. Continue to act in the same way and over time you will be able to do things that you don’t even expect from yourself, because you will no longer be afraid of not meeting people’s expectations.
What could they be?
When a person considers whether or not it is necessary to meet the expectations of others, he usually forgets one nuance - he himself has certain hopes and expects something from other people. Accordingly, all of them can be divided into two large groups:
- Own.
- Strangers.
Your own can be directed not only at other people, but also at circumstances, phenomena and, in principle, anything you want. You can expect sunny weather and end up with rain. Or hope to receive a bonus, but instead be faced with having to pay a fine. That is, one’s own hopes can relate to any aspect of life, including people’s behavior or actions.
Aliens are characterized by only one direction. That is, these are situations in which other people expect certain actions or manifestations of emotions, behavioral characteristics from the person himself. The individual can justify them or not.
Thus, another division of expectations, both one's own and others', becomes apparent. They are divided into two types - justified and not.
If a person expects rain and takes an umbrella with him, but there is not a single cloud in the sky all day, this is his own unjustified expectation. In the case where the boss at work hopes for additional efforts made by the employee in his free time, and the employee stays late and completes the task, this is an example of how they can be justified.
Origin of Fear
We need to recognize the origins of fear. Where does the fear of disappointing others with your behavior come from? Why are you worried about this? By thinking about this, you can look inside yourself. And this will be the next step to solve this problem.
The fear of disappointing others is normal, but that doesn't mean it's a character trait. Most likely, it appeared at a time when you were faced with harsh criticism or devaluation of your opinion. And since then, you have become afraid to show the real you, because you are afraid that the real you will not be accepted in society. The fear of being rejected, of being alone, underlies the fear of disappointing others. But the trap is that by not letting other people into our lives so that they don’t see the real us, we remain alone.
You don't have to be perfect to have many friends and acquaintances. You've probably noticed that people who are far from perfect in everything are surrounded by a large number of admirers. And they are forgiven for their blunders, mistakes, stupidity in judgments, because they are not afraid to seem imperfect. And the point is not even that other people forgive them for it, they forgive themselves for it, but you cannot forgive yourself.
Paradox of Possibilities
The ideal self is all about possibility. The opportunity to realize your hopes, dreams and aspirations, and the opportunity to ultimately make an identity. But research results show that people are often deceived by illusory opportunities. Later it seems to him that she was, but in reality everything was different.
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The authors of the study of human capabilities, Neil Rose and Amy Summerville, explain that only the presence of that illusory opportunity gives rise to regret. But this is where the paradox arises. The authors state that regret persists in situations where the likelihood of positive action remains high.
The paradox of opportunity may explain why education is the top regret of Americans, regardless of age, life circumstances, or socioeconomic factors. As the authors explain, a person can always return to school. That is why, since opportunities to act remain, and the person is not active, regret becomes more and more pronounced.
4. The line between kindness and permissiveness
A person who is afraid of disappointing with his behavior often follows the lead in order not to be rejected. He wants to be useful, necessary, as if buying someone else's attention and love. But in reality, such people often sit on the neck and stop taking them seriously, stop respecting their opinion. Therefore, it is important to set the line between your good attitude, desire to help people, and not allowing others to get on your neck. Don't let people mistake your kindness for weakness.
Make it a rule: if you can help someone and it doesn’t cost you anything, help; if your help comes to your detriment, think about whether it’s worth overstepping yourself. If you try to please everyone indiscriminately, then at some point you will encounter people who will take advantage of it.
Loss of freedom
Very strong fear. Most often found in a professional environment in the form of a refusal to take on increased responsibility, even if this provides an opportunity to take a step forward on the career ladder. A promotion naturally expands your area of competence and carries with it increased risks, pressure from higher management, and possibly even additional working hours. But focusing on negative events is part of our nature, so in case of fears, you need to sit down and determine for yourself the benefits that you will receive by taking on new responsibilities. This will help you come to terms with the restriction of freedom.
5. The world doesn't revolve around just one person.
When assessing other people's reactions to our behavior, we proceed only from the context of what we did or did not do. But the reason is that the way someone reacts or acts towards us may not even be related to us. A person may not get enough sleep, feel bad, he could have had a fight with someone before you and end up saying something rude to you. You start to think that you did something wrong. You make a decision not to do this again, but the reason was not you or your behavior. There may be a million factors why a person reacts the way they do that we are not even aware of.
The person may not be angry or upset because of you. Something didn’t go according to plan and he lashed out at you. And you have nothing to do with it. Therefore, evaluate your actions based on your values.
For the same reason, you need to predict the reactions of other people. Firstly, there is a big chance that you will not guess correctly and miss this or that opportunity. And secondly, you don’t know all the factors, you base it on how you would react, but other people are not you, so it’s pointless to predict their reaction.
Good boy complex
Separately, it is worth saying a few words about the good boy complex, which can arise in owners of the anal-visual ligament vectors.
It happens that an anal-visual child, on the contrary, is overly praised, and for everything. Not for some achievements and efforts, but for every little thing. For example, he brought a B from school instead of an A, but his mother praises him as if it were an A.
It may also be that the mother praises her son only for those actions and deeds that are beneficial to her in one way or another. For example, she needs the child to go somewhere, learn something for her, or behave in a certain way, and she manipulates praise: “You will be good only by doing this and doing that.” Moreover, we are not talking here about some general guidelines for correctness, but about those things that the mother herself considers beneficial for herself.
If the psyche of a child with an anal vector is formed under the influence of manipulations with praise, he grows up with a stable dependence on it. That is, endorphins in the brain will be released only when a person is praised, and it doesn’t matter why. And then he will do everything that others want or expect, he will strive to be good for everyone in order to get his “dose” of praise. Thus, depriving yourself of a full life and throwing your desires into the background.
He will not strive to be the best in the profession, for example, he will simply try to please everyone, and they, in turn, will take advantage of this. In addition, the good boy complex robs a person of the ability to say “no.” Even where it is required. This can create a lot of problems in his life.
Counterfactual thinking
The ideal self and regret are a perfect match. The ideal self loves possibilities and chances for transformation, while regret loves counterfactual thinking.
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As Gilovich explains in his research: “Regret is essentially a counterfactual emotion. It arises from the contrast between what actually happened and the easily imagined alternative outcome that could have happened.”
Once a regrettable action or inaction occurs, possible alternatives to the actual event are created. Additionally, regret is bottom-up counterfactual thinking that focuses on how a situation could have been better.
Contradictions to expectations
The above situation contradicts the expectations of the proper “I”. In a 2021 study, Davidai and Gilovich explain that expectations of the proper self are usually more specific and include certain rules. Therefore, they are easier to complete.
But regrets associated with ideals tend to be more general: be a good parent, be a good mentor. There is a lack of clarity and many opportunities for regret. Even if you work towards achieving a goal, you cannot always remain satisfied due to the lack of specifics.
