Every person has heard the word “no”, be it a refusal from a potential client or a girl (or guy) they like. And it's always unpleasant. But sometimes the reluctance to hear a negative response to one’s request from the interlocutor even takes the form of a painful phobia. And then it takes a lot of effort to overcome the fear of another refusal.
About the methods proposed by psychologists to get rid of such fear - in the material of 24SMI.
"No" is not a sentence
The first step on the path, the goal of which is to overcome the fear of possible refusal, will be the realization that life is possible even after a “no”. Indeed, if you analyze the likely scenarios for the development of events after a negative answer from your interlocutor, it is not difficult to understand that in 90% of cases nothing terrible will follow the refusal.
Of course, there are situations when a positive reaction is extremely important for the questioner and can even affect the life and health of relatives. But in such cases, even that person will be worried and embarrassed, whose habits are not at all part of worrying about a possible refusal. In other circumstances, after a negative answer, tragedy does not happen, and therefore, you should not get carried away with worries on this topic.
Ask yourself what "rejection" really means
If a person finds a 200-carat diamond, but due to ignorance he believes that it is a worthless item and throws it away, then who is “to blame” in this case: the diamond or the person? When one person rejects another, it exposes him more than the person he rejected. Very often we encounter the myopia and blinkered thinking of one person. Consider the following example:
If JK Rowling had stopped trying after being turned down by many publishers for years, there would be no Harry Potter. If Howard Schultz had given up after receiving more than 200 refusals from various banks, then it is unlikely that you would now be able to enjoy a cup of coffee in one of the Starbucks locations. If Walt Disney had given up on his idea of building a new amusement park after more than 300 rejections from various investors, you would never have been able to visit any Disneyland.
One thing is for sure: if you place too much importance on other people's opinions, you become their prisoner. So never let anyone's opinion change your reality. Never neglect yourself or who you want to be just because someone else has a problem with it. Love yourself for who you are inside and out and keep moving forward. No one can make you feel powerless unless you give that person power. And when someone turns you down, don't immediately assume that it's because you're unworthy or unattractive, because that only shows that they're being short-sighted.
Nothing personal
Psychologists have noticed that the fear of hearing “no” is associated with unhealthy associations - a person is sure that he was the reason for the refusal. Turned out to be unworthy of a positive answer. In such cases, depression is especially severe in young people who are still suffering from youthful maximalism and who strive to evaluate what is happening around them from the point of view of their attitude towards their own person.
But in most cases, the mood of the interlocutor, and not the personality of the petitioner, is responsible for the negative reaction on the part of the interlocutor. A headache, lack of sleep, a quarrel with parents or a significant other - and please, the manager is left without a “closed” sale, and the young man is left without a date with a young beauty.
But we must not forget that under other conditions the person who applied could very well hear “yes.” If not for those factors that destroyed the benevolent attitude of his counterpart.
Personality disorder and fear of rejection
At the psychopathological level, fear of rejection overlaps with many disorders but is of particular relevance to some personality disorders.
Borderline Personality Borderline personality disorder is characterized by pervasive emotional instability, impulsiveness in actions, and difficulty maintaining stable social relationships. These people react impulsively and emotionally to situations in which they anticipate or experience rejection. Those suffering from this disorder tend to feel more isolated from groups. They perceive less belonging even in the face of clear displays of acceptance and inclusion.
Narcissistic personality
A second disorder in which rejection sensitivity is central is narcissistic personality disorder. The experience of social rejection is very painful for these people, to the point of causing violent and angry reactions.
Avoidant personality
A third personality disorder that is based on fear of rejection is avoidant personality disorder. This pathology is characterized by a deep sense of inadequacy combined with a fear of criticism and rejection. These people tend to view themselves as chronically inferior to others, fearing most everyday interactions.
Social anxiety disorder
Finally, fear of rejection is central to social anxiety. This is not a personality disorder. It often manifests itself in a limited form due to the fear of being criticized during public speaking. Those who suffer from social anxiety are afraid of looking stupid and being criticized.
On the way to better things
Another interesting way will help in overcoming the fear of failure. It is enough to convince yourself that every “no” is, on the one hand, a brick in the wall of accumulated life experience, and on the other, another step on the path to better things.
That is, to achieve an understanding that a person who refuses only pushes one to search for more suitable methods for solving a particular problem. Or to choosing an ideal soul mate, if we are talking about interpersonal relationships.
Tried to act like she didn't care
Vivian grew up the middle of three sisters and always felt like the black sheep of the family. Her two sisters were athletic and popular, adored by everyone, including her parents, while Vivian always felt like she didn't belong in their circle. She was more interested in the theater club, computers and art events, and all this was alien to Vivian’s family.
Although Vivian knew that her family cared about her, she never felt fully loved or accepted by them. Vivian always tried to act like she didn't care when in reality she was in a lot of pain.
In high school, Vivian gained a reputation as a black sheep. She figured that if people considered her a rebel, then she would be able to live up to her reputation. Vivian broke many boundaries and rules and came across as someone who was constantly in trouble for one reason or another.
After high school, she decided to travel for a year before going to college, and even now, years later, the woman realizes that it was one of the best decisions she ever made. For the first time in her life, she did not live in the shadow of her sisters.
Now that the sisters are older and have their own families, Vivian gets along well with them. Given her respectable job and impressive income, Vivian is no longer considered a troublemaker, but she still feels like she doesn't fit in with the family and therefore still doesn't let her sisters get too close.
Vivian is an Outcast.
Don't make predictions
It is possible to overcome the fear of a possible “no” by stopping forecasting. Because in the case of such attempts, people (with the exception of those who are “one hundred percent” confident in themselves) tend to promise themselves failure, “predicting” a negative outcome.
Therefore, they manage to become convinced of the hopelessness of their own undertaking, even before they ask a question or seek help. And they are more likely to expect the negative than to hope for a positive solution.
It is worth remembering that a person who is prepared in advance for failure involuntarily projects his own attitude towards the situation and onto the person to whom he is addressing. And the latter, sensing the emotional background of the interlocutor, strives to stop the conversation, and therefore it is easier to say “no,” thereby breaking the distance. So the right strategy is to stop creating depression in your own mind and surrender to chance.
Question to a psychologist: how to stop being afraid of rejection
I am pathologically afraid of failure. What is this connected with?
What would you imagine if I asked you to remember the most difficult, most intolerable punishment from your parents or significant other that you had to endure as a child?
The answers may vary, but perhaps the biggest challenge may have been being ignored by adults. The same “go and think about your behavior” - and it’s as if they don’t notice you anymore.
Being rejected is one of our “worst fears.” This is how we are designed: once upon a time, in order to survive, a person needed a community of “friends” in the tribe, and this connection is deeply “hardwired” into our brain. Much has changed since then: the physical threats to life that haunted us in primitive times are no longer there, but the need for acceptance and emotional connection with others still remains.
Refusal can be experienced as rejection, and then behind the fear of rejection is the fear of being excluded, “expelled from the tribe.” Hence the thoughts: “I’m afraid to admit my feelings - what if it’s funny, I’ll seem like an idiot”, “I can’t ask for help - they’ll most likely refuse me, I’d rather do everything myself”, “I won’t ask asking for a salary increase - what if I get fired altogether, I’d better leave it as it is.”
One of our brain's jobs is to warn us against unpleasant experiences. And if you had to experience rejection and failure, if it was painful, then most likely the situation will remain in your emotional memory, imprinted there. For example, a person who grew up in a family where his needs were not taken into account or criticized may find it difficult to declare and express them in adulthood.
Feeling rejected by a loved one, friend, colleague, boss is always a painful experience. Ignoring is difficult, it is natural and normal. It's normal to want to avoid rejection. Some people may experience the fear of rejection or rejection much more acutely than others. Scientists call this rejection sensitivity (“sensitivity to rejection”) - it is especially characteristic of people who were rejected in childhood. The reasons why this trait develops are unknown; there is reason to believe that there may be a genetic predisposition to it, but this has not yet been proven.
Is there a difference between fear of rejection in relationships and in career?
Any business, any job and career does not exist in isolation from people, and therefore the relationships between them. Therefore, a person can experience a decision to refuse to promote his project or a refusal to a request for a salary increase or career growth in the same way as he would experience a refusal from a significant person for some personal proposal. And he may fear this refusal just as much. This is especially true for those who are used to defining themselves through professional success, and then “my idea didn’t get promoted” / “I didn’t get promoted” for them equals the statement “I’m bad” / “I’m a loser.” And this is experienced painfully and bitterly.
It may be easier if there is no such equation, if who and what I am does not depend solely on my career achievements. Then refusal in the career field ceases to be something that relates to me personally as a person, and becomes only a decision regarding one of the work ideas. My idea was rejected, but not me.
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What techniques exist for dealing with the fear of rejection and where should you start?
It is worth exploring what thoughts and ideas are behind your fear. This can be clarified by answering, for example, the following questions:
- What is my fear related to, what is it based on?
- When else in my life have I experienced something like this?
- How are these situations similar and different: when did I experience similar experiences before and now?
- How real is what I'm afraid of?
You can also question and reframe negative beliefs about yourself (since fear of rejection is often based on thoughts like “I’m too pushy,” “I’m always doing the wrong thing,” etc.).
Try the following exercise:
- “Look,” as if through a kaleidoscope, at the negative thoughts and attitudes that you have about yourself in some situation. You can take a sheet of paper and write them down right away, or you can, say, write them down in different situations throughout the week in your phone notes and at the end of the week look at the full picture. Think of it as a research experiment.
- Then reformulate each thought so that:
- the phrase contained a description of your behavior rather than a description of you as a person (for example, “I didn’t feel confident during the presentation today” instead of “I was unsure of myself again”);
- there would be no judgments about other people because you cannot know their motives (for example, “my colleagues have little opportunity to learn about my ideas because...” instead of “my colleagues think that I have no ideas.”) ;
- there would be no generalizations - the words “always”, “never”, “nobody”, “at all”, since they refer more likely to acquired beliefs and ideas, thoughts, and not to the real state of affairs;
- there would be a positive perspective - without negatives and words containing the particle “not” (for example, “At the next presentation, I will try to tune in and create a comfortable environment for myself” instead of “I constantly twitch, I need to stop panicking every time”).
And if in a similar situation you again catch yourself with thoughts that question your skills and provoke your fear of rejection, try to consciously “invite” new thoughts that you have written, already reformulated. Repeat them to yourself, be attentive to yourself. And please don’t beat yourself up if the new statements don’t take root right away—it takes time (after all, how many years have you lived with the old ones?). Thank yourself every time you notice the same thoughts and get back on track.
Is it possible to be a confident person and have healthy self-esteem, but still be afraid of rejection?
Self-confidence and healthy self-esteem do not guarantee protection from the fear of rejection. Moreover, in my opinion, it is impossible to remain confident always and in everything. To be alive means to be imperfect, imperfect.
The feeling of vulnerability is human. According to research professor Brené Brown, it's an integral part of our nature. Questions such as “am I worthy of love?”, “will rejection affect my self-confidence and self-esteem?”, “am I good enough?” are the basis of doubts that all people are subject to. And that's okay.
However, there is a difference between people with stable self-esteem and those who constantly experience fear of rejection: the former are convinced that they are worthy of love and acceptance. Brené Brown writes more about this in her book The Great Tribulation.
How not to give up if I constantly receive refusals (in work or relationships)?
Frequent refusals are dangerous because they can greatly undermine a positive self-image, that same feeling that “everything is fine with me.” Especially if “no” is perceived not as a rejection of a specific idea or proposal, but as a general message “there is something wrong with you”, “you are not suitable”. So the first thing you can do on a mental level is to formulate the belief that you are more than what you do.
You are not your job or your relationship. You are so much more.
First of all, it is important to stop identifying with any particular area of life. The second, of course, is to allow yourself to worry. You are a living person, fear of rejection is associated with rejection and is part of human nature. It's great if there is someone close to you who can support you. And yet, you can consciously “grow” and strengthen a positive self-image. Try this exercise:
- Remember in what situations and when you seek acceptance and approval from others. Maybe at work? From parents? Or is it that you are a pretty good parent yourself? Write down these situations or areas of life - each on a separate sheet.
- Think about what question sounds inside you in each of the situations, what question you seem to be addressing to other people (for example, “Am I trying hard enough to be successful?”, “Am I a smart person?”, “I’m beautiful) y)?").
- Formulate and write down your answer. Think about what real events reinforce your positive self-image - and they probably exist!
Someone will ask: “Okay, what if my answer is negative: “No, I’m really not good enough”?” To this I would suggest:
a) Think about where this belief came from. Who said you're not good enough? What exactly, for what?
b) Find your strengths. What are you good at? What do you consider your achievement? How did you manage to accomplish it, and at what cost? I'm sure you'll have something to say.
And in the event that you again find yourself in a situation of external evaluation and are faced with the fear of rejection, remind yourself that you answered these questions. No one outside can know you better than yourself.
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Is it worth it to “break into a closed door” after receiving a refusal? When does “no” really mean “no”?
It’s hardly worth breaking into a closed door; the question arises: “why”?
Try to think about why you are doing this? And what do you actually do when you break into a closed door? What do you expect, what do you want to get, what do you expect as a result? Maybe the process itself is important, and then what does that mean for you?
Perhaps it is important for you to convince someone who rejected you in order to prove to yourself that you are good enough? But if you have already received an answer from the outside, is it worth asking for it again? In my opinion, in this case it makes sense to look inward, to ask the question: why is it so important for me to be accepted, what do I want to prove? What am I not sure about?
As a rule, in relationships where there is no manipulation, where people take responsibility for their words, where expectations from each other and requests are clear, the answer “no” means “no.” If the refusal is an attempt at manipulation on the part of the partner, then is it worth continuing such a relationship?
I don’t know how to say “no” - I feel an acute sense of guilt, I’m afraid of offending a person. How to overcome this, how to defend personal boundaries?
In fact, it is very difficult to determine how another person will feel - we cannot see into their head.
Rather, it makes sense to think about what causes you to feel guilty, what is it connected with?
When you agree to something that doesn’t suit you, say “yes” where you want to refuse, it’s as if you’re playing on the wrong side, scoring a goal into your own goal. How do you feel?
Think of the ability to say “no” as a muscle that you can build, and try starting with something small. Think about how you now use the word “no”, in what situations is it missing? What do you still say “yes” to, although you have long wanted to give it up? Try to consciously do it differently - refuse where you are used to agreeing, and vice versa. Most likely, you will find that your fear has no real basis: the other person will not die from your refusal, the world will remain the same. And maybe it will even improve: you will become closer to yourself and more sincere in expressing your desires. And this will most likely have a positive impact on your relationships with other people - they will be grateful for your honesty.
Finally, a lot depends on communication skills. There are ways to politely refuse and at the same time reduce the risk of offending the other person - and maybe even give him some kind of positive impression, praise. For example: “Thank you very much, I don’t want this now, but I’m pleased that you take care of me. This makes me very warm.”
Understand the reasons
A great way to overcome the fear of “no” is to ask those who answer negatively about the reasons for their decision. This will allow, on the one hand, to accumulate experience, which will allow us to evaluate the chances of “winning” in the future. And at the same time it will give you the opportunity for a “second pass”. After all, a person talking about the reasons for saying “no” is able to revise his own initial conclusions in the process of explanation.
Naturally, the question must be asked correctly and gently, so as not to provoke the respondent to aggression.
How to learn to trust people more
If you are an Outcast, here are some strategies you can use to overcome your fear of rejection.
Rethink. Much of your fear comes from the script in your head. In this case, it is the belief that people cannot be trusted and it is better to reject others before they reject you.
If you want to overcome this fear, you must reformulate your attitude, create a new scenario in your head with different statements that you can repeat to yourself daily. Gradually, the new installation will replace the old one.
For example, if deep down you believe that people cannot be trusted, start telling yourself, “Just because someone has hurt me in the past does not mean that all people are untrustworthy. There are a lot of people in my life that I can trust.”
If you are afraid that people will reject you or let you down, you can reframe this scenario by telling yourself, “Just because someone tells me that they disagree with my opinion does not mean that they are rejecting me as a person.”
Take action. In addition to rewriting the script that is currently playing out in your head, you also need to take some steps to trust and cooperate with other people in real life situations. This will help you confirm and reinforce your new beliefs.
Try to be more proactive in situations that you usually shy away from. For example, if you usually prefer to go it alone and seem to get by on your own, then ask for help or join a group of people. If your trust issues are severe, then it is better to go to a specialist to explore the possible roots of your fear.
Create accountability. As an Outcast, you don't want to allow yourself to be vulnerable. That's why it's so important to actively try to open up about yourself—even if only to one or two trusted people with whom you share responsibility.
Most likely, you will feel completely unnatural at first. Regardless, seeking accountability and honest feedback is critical to overcoming fear. Your accountability partner will help you identify times when your inner Outcast is putting up a defense and will provide support in overcoming your fear of rejection.
You need to trust your partner as much as possible and let him guide you. Since you are not accustomed to seeking help from others, this type of trust may be especially difficult for your archetype.
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In the battle for confidence
People who are insecure often have to fight their own fear of rejection. The latter think that the shortcomings that they have identified in themselves are known to others. Although in reality nothing like this is observed.
Therefore, in order to overcome the fear of “no,” you will have to overcome uncertainty. And personal growth training or a visit to a psychologist are not suitable for these purposes (except in cases of psychological trauma). And self-control and exercise - nothing gives self-confidence like a beautiful and healthy body. Plus, training helps you take your mind off the negative and not drive yourself into depression, as well as develop perseverance in your character.
Fear of failure
Atychiphobia is characterized by the fear of failure that accompanies a person in any endeavor. Because of the phobia, the patient refuses to accomplish turning points and significant events in life. The reason lies in the constant, unintentional expectation of failure in every endeavor.
To a greater extent, this phenomenon concerns situations related to competition. School relay races, competitions, marathons, job interviews, and university admissions become a source of genuine fear in advance. The atychiphobe is sure that if he gets involved in this adventure, he will inevitably be defeated. In order not to be disappointed, a person even refuses to simply try to catch luck by the tail.
The patient is confident in his incompetence and weakness. He believes that he is deprived of the ability to achieve success, to solve the problem that has arisen, so he usually remains on the sidelines, inaction.
A person suffering from atychiphobia tries to avoid problematic situations in order to isolate themselves from inevitable failures. The inability to withstand difficulties and the fear of defeat take away the opportunity for self-development, personal and professional growth. An unfulfilled person loses self-confidence and is prone to depression.
Signs of a phobia include:
- refusal to participate in unfamiliar activities;
- avoidance of new people, places, untried food;
- low self-esteem;
- excessive self-criticism;
- social isolation;
- justifying one’s own inaction – lack of talent, necessary skills, lack of knowledge in this matter;
- lack of self-confidence and own actions.
Inactivity and refusal to be active are a kind of comfort zone for the patient, as they help avoid failure and save them from disappointment. By abstracting from unknown events, the patient finds peace.
Symptoms of atychiphobia can manifest themselves on a subconscious level, regardless of the will of the patient. A person begins to hesitate to complete a task in which he potentially feels failure. Suddenly there are a lot of other, more important things to do, and the level of anxiety increases.
Atychiphobia, like any phobia, is expressed by signs of a panic attack. They overtake the individual in those conditions where he is sure that failure and disappointment await him. A typical example is a man’s fear of meeting a woman. Atychiphobe believes that he is not good enough to please the opposite sex, has status, is not handsome, is not smart.
Immediately before a date, such a man is overtaken by anxiety, painful excitement seizes, tachycardia and shortness of breath develop. Particularly indicative symptoms of phobia are nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. When the patient sees the object of his attention, he may be speechless. Movements are constrained, the man literally freezes with fear.
Other signs of the disorder, depending on the traumatic event, include tremors in the limbs, fussiness, irritability, and pale skin. If there are several days left before the unfortunate event, the individual is deprived of sleep.
Enjoy your individuality
Constantly seeking approval means we worry about what other people might think negatively about us. It steals pleasure, fun and spontaneity from our lives. Get rid of this habit. If you are lucky enough to have something that makes you different from the rest, then don't be ashamed of it or change. Uniqueness is priceless. In this crazy world that tries to make you like everyone else, find the courage to be different. And if someone laughs at you for being different from them, then laugh back at them for doing the same.
It takes a lot of courage, but it's worth it. Be uncompromising. Over time, your true friends will show themselves - those who truly know and love you. Don't change just to make other people love you, be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
Let your confidence overcome your fear
Have you noticed that people who struggle with emotional problems tend to tell you how they don't want to feel? That's fair enough, but at some point we have to focus solely on how we want to feel.
When you are in a situation that makes you anxious, forget about how you don't want to feel in that moment. Think about how you want to feel right now. Train yourself to live here and now, without regretting anything, and without fear of possible condemnation. This is your choice. You can change the way you think.
