“Or maybe we’re just not right for each other?” Spouses ask a psychologist this question when they enter into a crisis in family relationships. The question is serious if you understand that a spouse is a person whom we deliberately choose from hundreds of other people in order to live a long and happy life with.
A crisis in the family can begin at any moment, no matter whether you have lived together for five, ten or twenty years. This is a moment that spouses often fear because it disrupts their sense of security and makes changes to their smoothly running lives. However, this is an integral part of any long-term relationship.
What are the main causes of family crisis? How do its symptoms appear? How to survive a crisis? About this and much more in today’s article.
Content:
- What is a crisis in family relationships? Conflicts in relationships - what do we argue about and why?
- Stages of relationships in couples
- Stages of family crises
- Periodization of family crises
- Year 1 crisis
Family psychology
Family psychology involves assessing and studying the patterns of family functioning, its stability and the dynamics of interpersonal relationships.
From the perspective of psychology, the family is one of the most difficult subjects to study. After all, it is at the intersection of many sciences and branches of psychology: demography, sociology, political science, medicine, child psychology, psychology of personality and interpersonal relationships, groups, social psychology, developmental psychology, male and female. Family psychology as an independent field has been functioning since the 20th century.
What is a crisis in family relationships?
Let's start with the fact that relationships in a married couple are not only about “butterflies in the stomach” and impatiently waiting for a moment alone. This is both joy and sadness. Clouds appear on the horizon as often as the sun! “Storms in a teacup” are inevitable.
Unfortunately, often because of fear of change, because of the desire to control or change our partner, we worsen the state of the relationship, and, consequently, the quality of life. A turning point is coming - a crisis.
To understand the cause of the crisis, it is important to know how people pair up, what unconscious games they play with each other, and what defines a good relationship.
Swiss psychoanalyst Jürg Willi, who worked with couples for many years, formulated three signs of a well-established relationship:
1. External and internal separation
The couple has clear boundaries with each other’s external and internal world. In addition, each of the partners is an autonomous unit, does not merge with the other and does not cling to the partner.
2. Balance in relationships
The roles of the partners are not polarized; there is a balance between the “childish” (regressive) and “adult” (progressive) behavior of each person in the relationship. Partners take turns supporting each other and getting a return.
3. Equality of partners
Partners have a sense of equal importance to each other in the relationship, and they have similar personal and social values.
Relationships begin to change when conflicts arise.
Conflicts in relationships - what do we argue about and why?
The couple seems to argue about different things, such as responsibilities, how to spend time, money, children, sex. However, if you take a closer look at the conflicts of a particular couple, you will find that they occur around different versions of the same, more general theme . Typically, these are caring, admiration, appreciation, control or dependence. Each conflict in a couple is accompanied by the same hidden motive, the same melody in the background, not necessarily heard by the partners (they do not realize that they are fighting, for example, for attention or care, and not for how to spend their free time) .
With the advent of a partner in our lives, we immediately turn to our hidden desires and needs, which this new person must satisfy. These incompletely formulated and unconscious needs become an important part of the relationship, influencing in the near future the feeling of satisfaction or disappointment from being in the relationship.
Partners expect understanding and support in development from each other. Development does not occur if both follow rigid patterns developed in childhood. Someone who has always had to be strong, independent and incapable of showing weakness can become close to a person whose every step towards independence has been difficult. For some time, this arrangement may seem ideal (the partners give each other what they lack), and can bring satisfaction to both.
Difficulties arise when one of the partners wants to develop that part of themselves that previously “belonged” to the other . For example, a dependent partner begins to become independent, and the one who needed his dependence is not ready for change. Therefore, partners often say that their relationship was happy before “a child appeared in the family, the wife changed jobs, the husband was promoted, the mother-in-law did not interfere,” and for many other reasons. The activating event triggered needs that had hitherto been hidden unconsciously. The seemingly ideal relationship begins to fall apart at the seams. Now, the couple is dealing with a marital quarrel and an inability to find a way out of the problem.
Stages of relationships in couples
Relationships in a couple go through two stages:
Infatuation Stage
Often the decision to enter into a relationship is made at the stage of “chemical” infatuation with another person: falling in love triggers certain chemical reactions in the brain. We do not notice the weaknesses of our partner, we idealize him, and we enter into marriage partially unconsciously. This stage is characterized by ups and downs, but often a great desire to compromise and the joy of living together.
Disillusionment Stage
One day we begin to wonder: why did we choose this particular person? Everyday routine dominates the relationship, thoughts of breaking up come. Paying bills, communicating with relatives, cleaning and the usual routine of life at this stage can lead to marital quarrels. Various challenges and problems are always a test of endurance. Over time, we learn to appreciate another person's strengths and efforts and overlook minor weaknesses.
Stages of family crises
Family life is associated with the stages that a family goes through in its development. Each stage is accompanied by a crisis. As a result of the resolution of the crisis, the spouses can save the family, or they can separate:
- The first year of a family's life. At this time, the formation of internal family resources occurs.
- Birth of the first child. Emotional connections within the family are restructured, and new responsibilities appear.
- The birth of the second and subsequent children. At this stage, the restructuring of emotional connections continues, and transitional stages of children’s development also occur.
- The arrival of a new family member. This could be the appearance of parents, other relatives in the family, or the departure of one of the family members. Reorganization of the family system is often perceived as a negative phenomenon for the family, as it disrupts its homeostasis. It can occur at any stage of family development.
- The child's admission to school. Navigating a new path, gaining higher knowledge, new interactions is stressful for both children and parents. The stage lasts about a year.
- Identification of a teenager. The stage is characterized by the child’s desire for high status among peers. The process of separation from parents and gaining personal experience often lead to family conflicts.
- The “empty nest” stage. Isolation/separation of adult children and experiences associated with family restructuring change family goals and values.
- Death of a family member. Causes shock if the event was unpredictable or completely unexpected for family members.
- Disorder of emotional relationships. This crisis can arise at any stage of family development, for example, against the backdrop of a protracted conflict.
Periodization of family crises
Scientists have studied changes in relationships for years. The beginning is always promising. However, surveys of thousands of people have shown that the idyll usually ends after about three years, that is, when the couple enters their fourth year of marriage, and the greatest test comes in the seventh year of marriage.
15-19 years old
Peak - 15 years (crystal wedding).
a brief description of
This crisis has a specific name - empty nest syndrome. By this age, children go to school, join the army, start their own families, and get a job. In a word, they begin to build their own lives and become independent. The couple, who may have been held together by children all these years, feels abandoned and lonely. It may turn out that they no longer have common interests. Such a discovery often leads to divorce even at this age.
Causes:
- children leaving the family;
- emptiness in the house and emptiness in the soul;
- lack of common interests;
- loss of attraction to each other;
- Each spouse lives a separate life.
How to improve relationships
- Talk to each other.
- Find new common ground.
- Joint efforts to help children arrange their new lives.
- Go on a long trip abroad together.
- Let's start realizing the dreams of our youth together.
- Do not stoop to mutual reproaches.
- Have another child.
Universal advice. As a rule, by this time people achieve a certain financial independence. Take advantage of this. Make your spouse's dream come true. Buy him an expensive watch that he has always dreamed of, or a ticket to travel around the world. This will allow both to understand that life is not over: on the contrary, it’s time to start living for yourself.
Family crises by year
Year 1 crisis
Blinded by love, we do not see our partner's shortcomings. I want to spend every minute together. Whether it's love at first sight or a feeling that continues to develop, we are so focused on each other that we don't see the world outside of the relationship.
But the period of first admiration passes, we return to a normal rhythm, and suddenly it turns out that our ideal is scattering socks around the apartment. The girl was waiting for a “prince on a white horse,” but in the end she had a “teddy bear” lying on her sofa and watching a football match. Prose of life. Which, however, can effectively spoil the love atmosphere.
Possible causes of the crisis: discrepancy between the ideal and the real person, improper division of household responsibilities, living together with parents, financial problems, boredom, the birth of the first child.
Crisis 3 years in marriage
There comes a day in the life of every couple when partners recognize each other's relatives and friends. They are often the cause of misunderstandings. “How can she consult her mother on every issue?” “How can he afford to go out with friends whose only desire is to relax on the weekend with beer?” In the absence of experience of family life, it is difficult to understand that the mother-in-law, being older and wiser, gives valuable advice, and a friend, who, at first glance, has no other entertainment than the aforementioned drinking beer, is, in fact, a cheerful and reliable person.
In addition, after 2-3 years of living together, we begin to notice each other's shortcomings. We point out mistakes. We feel the need to be with other people. We want to spend time apart sometimes. This is a natural stage of any relationship. This is a good time to learn the art of compromise, learn to accept flaws and respect needs.
Possible reasons for the crisis: different interests, fading feelings, a problem with living space, career growth of one of the partners.
Childbirth crisis
This is usually the first major crisis. The first years of marriage are marked by the birth of a child, and the decision to expand the family is a test for the relationship. Despite the happiness that a child gives, a young parent must come to terms with the fact that his life will be turned upside down for some time. You have to finally grow up in order to be responsible not only for yourself, but also for your family.
The first changes are felt already during pregnancy. A woman’s body is changing, a new life is born in her - both for her and for him this may be a reason to refrain from intimate relationships. Immediately after childbirth, sex ceases to exist for a while; the priority for young parents is sleep. We lose patience, get tired, start to worry more, and feel rejected. We feel like our life is falling apart.
Usually at this stage we blame each other for a lack of responsibility. Men feel abandoned and unwanted and begin to doubt the meaning of marriage. Unfortunately, it is at this stage that the first betrayals most often occur, and relationships are filled with resentment, jealousy and rivalry.
Crisis 5 years in marriage
As we approach five years of marriage, we argue more and more. On average, according to statistics, 2.7 hours per week (for comparison - 1.2 hours at the beginning of the relationship). Sex is no longer a priority. We have less and less time and opportunities for pleasant moments for two. About 70% of couples admit that their partner's behavior and habits, which were previously considered harmless or even cute, begin to bother them. This is the time when we look at our companion, see all the shortcomings that we had not noticed before and experience shock: am I sharing my life with the right person? Or maybe I was wrong?
Possible causes of the crisis: lack of romance, affairs on the side, stagnation in the development of the partner as a person, lack of children.
Crisis of the 7th year of marriage
Do you know what Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have in common with millions of other couples around the world? The crisis that struck them after seven years of marriage. In a study commissioned by Pure Romance, interesting data was obtained. One thousand Americans who had been married for twenty years indicated that the seventh year was the hardest for them.
“Scattered socks,” along with thousands of small conflicts, are becoming a problem that is increasingly difficult to overcome. According to respondents, controversial issues include money (about 50%), division of household chores (31%), sex (16%) and legal issues (13%). Here are four main reasons for misunderstandings that lead to conflicts.
Crisis of 9 years or crisis of achievements in professional activity
A crisis occurs when feelings compete with the desire to make money. Most often, the man takes responsibility for maintaining the family. He ceases to be romantic, he has no time, he is overtired and exhausted. The woman takes care of the house, does the shopping and raises the children. Boredom, monotony and lack of passion creep into life.
Possible causes of the crisis: sexual dissatisfaction, indifference and lack of emotions, different environments, routine and everyday life, a change in the social status of one of the spouses and career growth.
Midlife crisis – 13-15 years together
As our children grow up and our professional situation stabilizes, we begin to think about our attractiveness. We try to prove to ourselves that we are still young and interesting, and we seek confirmation of value from members of the opposite sex.
Possible causes of the crisis: prolonged depression or burnout, new connections and change of environment, change of job, beginning of aging (dissatisfaction with oneself, partner), change of interests.
1-2 years
Peak - 1 year (calico wedding).
a brief description of
The first year of married life for most couples is the honeymoon and the continuation of the bouquet and candy period. They establish a common way of life, they like to be independent and not depend on anyone, so arranging a nest is accompanied by increased enthusiasm.
However, after 1 year, the first, and quite serious, problems begin to appear. The fact is that by this time the spouses get used to each other, elementary embarrassment disappears, and then it turns out that the prince on a white horse can walk around the house in torn socks, and the miss beauty can wear curlers and a greasy robe. It’s exaggerated, but the fact remains: the chemistry of love ends, the household boat rocks more and more, and to this is added the birth of a child (most often).
Causes:
- discrepancy between the ideal of the beloved and his everyday image;
- uneven distribution of responsibilities around the house;
- mother-in-law/mother-in-law syndrome, which often causes discord in a young family;
- mismatch of biorhythms (husband is a lark, wife is an owl or vice versa);
- financial problems (especially if both spouses are too young, do not work, depend on their parents);
- living together with parents.
Most often, the crisis of the first year of family life is associated with the birth of the first child, when a young and inexperienced mother gets tired of the burden of everyday problems that fall on her shoulders. A newborn may have difficulty sleeping, eating, walking, and visiting a doctor regularly. Added to this are problems with lactation and postpartum depression. And what “finishes off” her is the need to keep up with everything around the house: cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, eating. She is guaranteed to be in a state of stress. She begins to get angry with her husband, who disappears all the time at work and does not help her.
The young father is also in a state of shock at this time. The child does not allow you to get enough sleep at night, and in the morning you have to get up for work. There is not enough money for anything, as expenses have increased sharply, either on diapers or on formula. The wife turned from a well-groomed phyto-nurse into an eternally dissatisfied aunt with blurred forms after childbirth and dark circles under her eyes. And no sex either, because she has no time for that.
Psychologist's advice
To overcome a crisis, it is necessary to find out its root cause. After all, not every couple immediately has a child, however, they also have to face the difficulties of everyday life and relationships with new relatives. Starting from a pressing problem, you need to look for a way out. What psychologists advise:
- Each spouse must first decide for himself whether it is possible to continue to preserve the marriage with minimal losses for everyone.
- Discover new facets of personality in your spouse, look for positive aspects, turn a blind eye to shortcomings.
- Schedule housework duties down to the smallest detail so that they are distributed evenly.
- Establish relationships with mother-in-law / mother-in-law as much as possible.
- Together, try to find sources of additional income to improve your financial situation.
If the crisis of 1 year is ripe, the spouses need to sit down and talk openly about all the problems and ways to solve them. A wife should not forget to take care of herself. The husband should not disappear all the time at work.
If the cause of the crisis is the birth of a child, all problems can also be solved. It is imperative to involve grandparents to help with the baby. In case of postpartum depression, a mother needs to undergo a recovery course. Dad should, to the best of his ability, take on some of the responsibilities around the house. And most importantly, they must pay enough attention to each other and in no case refuse intimacy.
Universal advice. Romantic dates at least once a week will help save a marriage after 1 year of family life. You can ask someone to sit with your baby for a couple of hours. And constantly change the place: it could be a cozy cafe, an interesting movie, a Ferris wheel, just a trip out of town, admiring the sunset - there are many options. The main thing is to change the environment and enjoy each other’s company.
Risks of divorce and marital experience by year
1-2 years after wedding – high level of risk
This is the moment when betrayal occurs in a poorly chosen marriage. It is easier for spouses to get a divorce during this period than to be stuck in an unhappy relationship. After all, if something doesn’t work, it’s easier to quit, leave and start over.
According to the online publication Fatherly, up to 20% of marriages break up in the initial period. At the same time, men cheat more often in the first year of marriage - women come to cheat later.
3-4 years after marriage – average risk level
Couples decide to have children on average 2-4 years after marriage (although, of course, some want to have them immediately or within a year). However, having children does not guarantee stability. Relationships in a couple change greatly, attention switches from the partner to the offspring, which causes stress. Therefore, the quality of marriage may decrease during this period.
5-8 years after marriage – high level of risk
The period when satisfaction with the relationship begins to decline significantly. According to statistics, most marriages break up after 5-8 years of marriage. If the couple has not divorced during this time, this may be due to the high pace of life or the length of legal proceedings, although the decision to break up may simply be postponed “until better times.”
9-15 years after marriage – low risk
After 9 years of marriage, the likelihood of divorce gradually decreases. Psychology proves that this period is the least dangerous for couples - age plays a big role. During this time, we get used to our new life, focus on family and even career. This is the moment when the quality of the relationship definitely improves. The reason, among other things, is that the children are already grown up.
16-20 years after marriage – average risk level
A turning point in the family life of many people. Assuming that the average person gets married between the ages of 25 and 30, we reach 20 years of marriage experience before we turn 50. Divorce at that age is common these days. After their 50th birthday, partners are also looking for alternatives. This often happens if family has so far been more important than self-realization.
7-9 years
Peak - 7 years (copper wedding).
a brief description of
According to statistics, a surge in divorces occurs after 7 years of marriage. By this point, life usually improves and gets back on track: the financial situation is more or less stabilized, the problem with living space has already been at least somehow resolved. And the spouses certainly don’t argue over who should take out the trash can. So what happens to people who have walked this path hand in hand?
This is where physiology comes into play and there is no escape. By this time, the spouses are usually 30 years old, during which there is a surge in sexual activity, and it does not find a way out. Many people no longer see their partner as an object to satisfy their desires and fantasies. They thoroughly know not only each other’s habits, but also every mole on the body. The novelty is lost, sex becomes a mechanical fulfillment of a marital obligation.
If the family adheres to Christian or simply traditional moral principles, it will endure this. But as soon as one of the spouses gives in, betrayal and divorce cannot be avoided.
Causes:
- sexual dissatisfaction;
- adultery;
- a change in the social status of one of the spouses or rapid career growth (it is inconvenient for a diplomat husband to have a wife who is a dishwasher);
- rupture of physical and emotional connection between spouses;
- life, routine, monotony.
Virginia Satir connects this crisis with the fact that the child needs to be sent to school. Parents need to make a joint decision about which institution he will study at, who will drop him off and pick him up, what clubs to choose for him, and who will go to meetings. When there is no mutual understanding, all these questions only make things worse. Quarrels are inevitable.
At the same time, the child is already developing as a person, understands a lot and begins to ask questions to which parents do not always have answers: why they don’t sleep in the same bedroom, why dad stays late at work, why they don’t go anywhere together. And such “whys” are heard every day. Such psychological direct pressure from children only widens the gap in the couple.
Parents often divorce when the child turns 8: they finished first grade together, put up with each other, and that’s enough. Unfortunately, few people are interested in developmental psychology, which strongly advises against doing this during this period. A student experiencing a divorce may have problems with social adaptation and academic performance.
How to get out of a family crisis 7 years
- Seek help from a family psychologist.
- Actively involve your spouse in raising the child.
- Diversify intimate relationships, try to establish a sexual connection.
- Find a balance between work and home.
- Try to balance your educational level and learn a new profession.
- Do not hold grudges and irritation within yourself, express everything in a constructive dialogue and try to find joint solutions.
- In case of betrayal, either forgive or divorce.
Universal advice. This is the very crisis that needs to be solved through the satisfaction of sexual needs. It's time to add variety to your intimate life. Go to specialized stores together, buy something new, try, experiment. If you want to save your relationship, the two of you make an appointment with a sexologist.
How to recognize the first crisis in a relationship?
The first family crisis begins to develop when partners mentally and physically distance themselves, when problems arise in everyday communication. Spouses talk less and less about their needs, expectations or fears. Communication is often limited to topics of shopping or raising children, exchanging short sentences such as “buy milk after work,” “pick up the kids from school.” At the same time, a man and a woman are physically distant from each other and do not want tenderness and intimacy.
Over time, minor weaknesses of the partner, which were not important before, begin to irritate. We begin to point out mistakes, look at our partner critically, and focus on the little things.
Years of marriage development
- During courtship, the couple exhibits high flexibility and connectedness.
- When people get married, they basically reproduce the pattern of relationships that is present in the family of their parents. If these types do not coincide, then “grinding in” begins, the development of a new joint style of relationship.
- The first year of marriage is spent structuring the family. Roles and responsibilities are distributed, rules and regulations are formed. At the same time, emotional closeness and cohesion are maintained.
- At the time of pregnancy, the family becomes fragmented. The woman is focused on pregnancy, and the man is focused on work.
- After the birth of a child, a chaotic relationship is observed. It takes about a year to stabilize and adapt to the new family structure.
- The family becomes divided. The woman spends time with the child, and the man spends time at work.
Each of these stages is dangerous due to crises, but they can be avoided if spouses know how to communicate.
How to measure the depth of a crisis in a relationship?
The simplest and fastest way to measure a crisis is time. How long does the conflict last? How long has there been no intimacy or sex? If conflict periods last no more than two weeks, then, as a rule, there is no crisis; if longer, then it’s worth thinking about.
It is dangerous if in a relationship, instead of admiration and respect, contempt for your partner appears, when you cannot find in yourself anything but resentment and regret, when instead of understanding and patience there are only demands and resentments. In this case, your relationship is also in crisis. The earlier this all started, the deeper the crisis.
Crisis is often measured by the degree of indifference of spouses. In marital conflict therapy, psychologists don't worry so much about clarifying relationships, because this is usually a signal that the couple is still fighting for each other. Much worse is the complete lack of interest in your partner and his world.
Psychotherapeutic function of the family
Not so long ago, among the usual functions of the family, psychologists began to highlight the psychotherapeutic function. It is of particular interest within the framework of this article.
The psychotherapeutic function of the family means the ability of its members to create a psychologically favorable climate and comfort. This is implemented in two directions:
- meeting the needs of children, tenderness, affection, care;
- satisfying the needs of spouses for emotions and loving warmth, providing psychological support, inspiring each other for social, professional and personal achievements.
Common problems in modern marriages and couples
Family relationships have changed over the past few decades. Together with them, the scope of what is permitted has undergone changes, restrictions have been erased, and the rules of behavior between spouses have become a thing of the past. Young people have more options for building their personal lives. They are not too afraid of divorce a year or several years after the wedding. And children are no longer a “slower”, as they used to be in traditional families.
What problems most often lead to crises?
Unstructured communications
Often the problem in communication is not an inability to understand another point of view, but an unwillingness to accept that others have a right to have their own opinion. In many relationships, people focus on defending their vision without being too interested in what their partner thinks.
Unresolved past problems
Obviously, a person who grew up in a conflict environment will react to disagreements differently than a person who grew up in a calm family. Moreover, conflicting partners often formulate a strategy for their own family relationships. Communication in such families usually does not lead to the development of reasonable decisions.
Unfulfilled Expectations
One of the saddest things about couples' problems is the emergence of disappointment due to unfulfilled expectations that partners had for each other and for the relationship. We often know what we want. However, our partner does not always understand our needs. The most unpleasant situation arises when we ourselves do not know well the nature of our expectations, but we expect our partner to guess them and realize them.
Sex and intimacy
Problems with sex are one of the most common problems in a partnership or marriage. Problems in this area can also be a signal of disturbances in other areas of the relationship. If hostility and insecurity dominate daily interactions, it is difficult to expect a successful sex life.
Resentment
Resentment kills relationships. The turning point in therapy for family problems is the discovery of unconscious or unspoken regrets and grievances. Each partner becomes responsible for determining their role in the emergence of these emotions, as well as for the actions that they must take to change the situation and overcome the crisis.
Infidelity
This is the most common reason for loss of trust and sense of security. Cheating is considered a peculiar consequence of problems in relationships. Happy and satisfied partners rarely look for satisfaction in other relationships. Betrayal is intended to improve well-being or get rid of problems in the family.
The above-mentioned problems have dominated in recent years and are becoming increasingly universal. But each of them has potential that can be used to restore relationships.
If you notice that something important is missing in your relationship, think about what you yourself bring to it? Feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment are certainly not conducive to achieving the best results. And investing our energy in relationships gives us a chance to heal them and improve their quality.
An empty house and a pension: how not to get a divorce after 25 years of marriage?
After 25 years of marriage
After stormy days, calm times come: the children have become almost independent (although they still need help), financial problems are no longer a concern. “We have already achieved everything that could be achieved,” you can hear from married couples who have lived together for more than 20 years. It would seem that a marriage that has lasted a quarter of a century simply cannot break up. But this is in theory. In practice, unfortunately, there are more than enough opposite examples. Sometimes it turns out that all this time the children were the concrete holding the family together. And now this concrete has crumbled. The social unit is disintegrating.
How to overcome a crisis in a relationship?
Difficulties such as job loss, illness, financial problems are events that can end in two ways: we can become closer, support each other in a difficult situation, or begin to distance ourselves. When disagreements appear more often, we begin to think about breaking up, we want to run away, we lose the strength to fight, and we give up.
What you should do at the first stage of a crisis is to think about yourself, your needs, behavior, emotions and feelings towards your partner. Relax. A crisis is not a scam. This is not a fire, there is time to figure everything out.
Analyze your relationships
- Do you want to be in a relationship with this person? If yes, move on to the next question.
- Remember what you were like at the beginning of your relationship. What has changed and why?
- What dreams and plans did you have, what was successful and what was not realized?
- Write down on a piece of paper everything that, in your opinion, your partner lacks for the ideal. For example, he doesn’t strive to earn money, he’s put on weight, he’s always tired, he doesn’t hug you, doesn’t bring you breakfast in bed, doesn’t give you flowers, doesn’t invite you to restaurants, etc.
Is the list ready? Now look at how many of the above you yourself do not do in relation to your partner and yourself. How often do you worry about his well-being, touch him, kiss him, look into his eyes? Do you take care of yourself regularly? When was the last time you showed any family initiative?
If you are really doing your best, but your partner remains indifferent, consult a psychotherapist. It's time to seriously work on your relationship. After all, you cannot just give without receiving anything in return, because this leads to disappointment and malaise.
Change your communication pattern
Instead of constantly complaining, ask your partner how his day was. Offer to take a walk together, go to a cafe without children, where you will have the opportunity to talk. Build relationships. A crisis comes when there are problems with the ability to communicate, explain one's point of view and accept the arguments of the other side. Therefore, psychotherapists recommend talking and not avoiding problematic topics.
How to talk in a moment of crisis?
Contain strong emotions
If the crisis escalates, each partner feels bitterness and regret. It is also difficult to remain calm when your partner's words hurt and force you to defend yourself at all costs. The conversation may end in a quarrel, which, instead of the expected results, will only worsen the crisis. Try to avoid this.
Talk about yourself and your feelings
Refrain from blaming, try to sincerely talk about your emotions and feelings. Tell your partner what behavior hurts you and what makes you suffer. Instead of criticizing your partner, try to convey information in a way that he can understand how you feel.
Don't expect too much
Don't expect too much after the first conversation. Don't bet on a specific outcome or reaction from your partner. Think of dialogue as the first step towards further efforts and discussions. Monitor your feelings and behavior during the conversation. Listen carefully to what your partner says and remember his main message.
Rule 5:1
According to surveys, the average couple quarrels 4 times a month. In theory, this is not a very alarming figure, but if there is nothing else in the relationship except arguments and gray reality, problems arise.
Psychologists have created the 5:1 rule. For each conflict, they recommend organizing 5 opportunities to be together and do something good. This minimizes the risk of getting separated.
Family traditions
Another good way to reconcile is to continue to observe family traditions and celebrate significant anniversaries. A good morning kiss or dinner together won't take much time. Treating rituals as sacred strengthens the couple and protects it from inevitable crises.
Try to diversify your family life. You can, for example, start going to the pool on Sundays, start a tradition of playing board games with your children, and watching movies together. It is important that the whole family has the opportunity to get together and spend time together.
Practical advice
- Support each other. Try to focus on treating each other with respect and consideration. Leave your complaints, rather think about the needs of your partner.
- Determine general views on education. If the crisis is based on raising a child, together with your spouse, determine goals and objectives on how to raise a healthy and smart child. Listen to your partner's opinion and discuss options, rather than consider yourself experts in the field of ideal parenting.
- Vary your routine. Learn to surprise your soulmate: create a romantic atmosphere, walk around the city together, go to the theater or exhibition.
- Laugh more! Couples who know how to laugh at their own mistakes, problems and prejudices, as a rule, are more successful in overcoming crises in family relationships. Do not take difficulties too seriously and do not dramatize, because some problems can really be solved quickly if both partners make enough efforts.
- Experiment in your intimate life. Feel free to show passion and discuss your desires with your partner.
- Travel. A trip out of town, a hike in the forest, three trips to a neighboring city, or a vacation in another country – it doesn’t matter. A change of scenery will in any case have a beneficial effect on your relationship.
- Talk. Find out your partner’s opinion, take an interest in his affairs, and have heart-to-heart dialogues.
- Remember care, affection and tenderness. Marriages can last a lifetime if partners do not forget to treat each other with kindness and respect. Show your feelings through compliments, hugs, and touches. Your spouse will definitely answer you in the same way.
What's next?
Try to focus on what brings you together, what you have already come to, what you have already achieved. If you love and respect each other, and in addition, each of you is ready to change yourself, you will easily survive temporary difficulties. A mature relationship is when we decide to stay with another person despite the difficulties and fight for that relationship.
It is important to understand that the husband/wife will not change much, because the partner is a self-sufficient adult, an individual. We must accept that no one is perfect, so focus on your spouse's strengths and turn a blind eye to his weaknesses.
Family system
In psychology, it is common to view the family as a system. Each family goes through a series of stages and stages of development from birth (marriage) to death (divorce or family breakdown).
The family as a system includes several mandatory elements:
- Self-organization. The motives and needs of people change, which means the functionality of the family also changes.
- Openness. Mutual exchange of energy between family and society. Necessary for the development of a family in a stable society (open family) or to maintain functionality at a critical moment in the development of society (closed family). But with the normal functioning of society and a closed family, its development suffers. As a rule, these are families with deviations.
- Disequilibrium. Appears during regulatory crises. Overcoming a crisis always takes a family to a new, higher level.
- Nonlinearity of development. The family constantly has many options for reacting to external circumstances.
- Messages. These are any actions of family members. Slamming the door and leaving, sitting next to you on the sofa, phrases about love.
- Stereotypes of interaction. The wife nags - the husband screams, slams the door and leaves. This is repeated every day and more than once. This is the stereotype of interaction.
- Family rules. These are any public and unspoken conditions for the existence of a family. For example, in a family it is customary to warn that someone is late or it is customary to only praise the child; it is forbidden to scold.
- Family myth. “We are an ideal family”, “We are a friendly family” and more. The myth is formed over generations and largely determines the behavior of family members. Often after destruction it turns out that people have nothing in common, and the family is actually far from ideal and not friendly.
- Boundaries. External boundaries with the world and internal boundaries between generations. Blurred boundaries lead to family dysfunction, such as children becoming dangerously united with one parent while the other is excluded.
- Stabilizers. Keeping a family together because of something in common. It is possible to distinguish functional stabilizers and dysfunctional ones. The first includes a common budget, common affairs, and common accommodation. Dysfunctional ones include illness, children, deviations, infidelity.
- Story. History is assessed in three generations: professional successes, moves, deaths, illnesses, births, failures. Family history always dictates the stereotypes of modern family functioning and explains the motives and needs of the younger generation. Allows us to assume further development prospects.
Each of these elements is important for assessing family problems and crises and drawing up a plan for resolving them. Overcoming crises requires an exclusively private approach.
What to read on the topic - recommendations
A crisis in a relationship can affect even those who were inseparable until recently. These books will help you better understand your partner and his needs:
John Gray "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus"
What prevents us from creating strong relationships and how to fix what seems irreparable? The author, a German psychotherapist and journalist, explains the nature of our emotionality. A refreshing and educational experience.
Geri Chapman "The Five Love Languages"
One of the most popular and recommended reference books for married couples. It is based on the assertion that husband and wife do not use a common language of love, which is why they often do not understand each other's needs and expectations and, as a result, cannot meet them.
John Goth
Professional guidance based on scientific psychological research and the author's observations over several years. The result is a book that sets forth principles that guarantee a successful marriage.
Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips "The Paradox of Passion"
The authors, famous psychologists, suggest checking whether there is passion in your relationship and help you deal with the fading of feelings.
There's a stranger nearby
In marriage, spouses usually experience two crises: 3–7 years of marriage and 17–25 years. They have different reasons. The first is more complex, but shorter, about a year. The second is less deep, but can last up to several years. Even if your marriage is still between 17 and 25 years old, take a look at your passports. The onset of a crisis is typical for couples where the wife is from 37 to 45 years old, the husband is from 40 to 50. What age period is this in the life of each of you?
Woman from 37 to 45.
Firstly, “the berry again”: at the peak of its femininity, desire, inner fire. She not only wants, but also can, knows how, knows. But for a man, alas, the process is different: he wants sex less and less and depends on how familiar the situation is, how tired he is and the desire to sit at the computer. There is a sexual imbalance that makes a woman look around.
Secondly, the “berry” is very concerned about every wrinkle: she does not look younger at all, and this does not improve her mood. A woman may become more demanding of her husband and wait for proof of her attractiveness to him. Alas, by this time many husbands have become so entrenched in the cycle of “flowers for birthdays and March 8th” that they cannot even understand where these complaints suddenly came from.
Thirdly, a woman is also affected by a midlife crisis (although to a lesser extent than a man) - she counts both her own professional, personal and maternal achievements, and family ones: is her family living so well compared to others? This creates additional ground for conflicts and demands.
Male from 40 to 50.
First of all, a man is also captured by the midlife crisis. By the age of 40–45, he realizes that he is no longer as active as before. Stopping, he begins to count: what exactly have I achieved, how successful am I compared to others? Even men with fairly high status and income experience dissatisfaction. And after it - the search for those to blame. Of course, a psychologically mature man will first of all look for reasons in himself. But the idea that the family was a hindrance to professional growth escapes few people.
Secondly, a man in this age range also feels that he is not getting any younger. My light, the mirror, tells the harsh truth: “You are beautiful, no doubt, manly wrinkles and even a cozy tummy suit you, but in the field of young males you are, alas, no longer number one.” Of course, he has a wife and, it would seem, why should he worry about it? But if he gives her flowers and compliments only on holidays, then it’s unlikely that she talks about his masculine attractiveness every day. And since men’s search activity is still more developed, their gaze is more willingly directed to other female objects.
Thirdly, the man recalls that he limited himself in what was pleasant to him personally, in favor of family and work. Therefore, he has a desire to restore his previous hobbies (especially those that are only for himself and leave the house). Here again hunting, fishing, tourism, motorcycle appear - everything that causes so many questions and dissatisfaction among wives (“It would be better if we went somewhere together!” and “Is he really going fishing?”). In many cases, a hobby is really not a cover - a man really wants (and needs) to relax and be with himself outside the family.
Emerging from worries about their grown-up children and finding themselves each in their own personal experiences, the spouses suddenly discover that next to them is some stranger and not very familiar person. It seems like we know everything about each other, like two books we’ve read, but it turns out we don’t! Where does this demand, rigidity, intransigence and at the same time the expectation of understanding and warmth towards oneself from another come from? It’s as if everyone’s egoism, which had been dormant for the time being, has sprouted: look, I’m like this, I won’t be different, love me as I am, but be sure to love me!
Crisis in marriage - where can I get help?
A crisis, like any conflict, can have both positive and negative consequences. Sometimes a couple is able to cope with a crisis on their own because, despite the difficulties, the spouses want to be together. In other situations, they see no way out other than divorce.
Before you decide to divorce, try to resolve your current difficulties. Remember that even young children feel that something is wrong between their parents, so it would be a good idea to consult a psychologist or psychotherapist. A specialist will help you understand your problem, find ways to overcome the crisis, find the key to a successful relationship and develop measures aimed at improvement.
General points
Psychologists identify three symptoms that indicate the onset of a crisis:
- Stopping confidential conversations when spouses stop sharing their own experiences with each other.
- Decline in sexual activity.
- Irritability towards your significant other.
There are only 2 ways out of every crisis:
- Constructive when the marriage survives.
- Destructive when a couple files for divorce.
If earlier in family psychology it was believed that a constructive way out of a crisis is always positive, and a destructive way out is always negative, now such a gradation of assessment has been abolished. It often happens that a husband and wife decide to stay together because of the child, so as not to traumatize him. However, both are unhappy, can barely tolerate each other and take it out on the one for whom they saved the family. The result is psychological trauma for everyone. And sometimes, freed from oppressive relationships, people gain peace of mind, peace and a new value consciousness, which contributes to their further personal growth.
From 10 to 13 years
The closer the couple gets to the ten-year mark of living together, the more the relationship begins to heat up. The crisis of family life for 10 years has been accompanied by constant, joint reproaches. There is a cooling in sexual terms, because the wife’s figure has already changed after the birth of children. Perhaps the wife has stopped taking good care of herself and is no longer attracted to her husband.
A crisis in family relationships can be safely survived for 10 years if the spouses have maintained mutual understanding and trust. If a husband and wife are confident in each other, they will be able to resolve any problems.
The crisis of 12 years of family life has its own characteristics, and is considered one of the most dangerous periods. At this time, children add problems because they are in adolescence. By this time, spouses' preferences and tastes change. To survive difficult times, you need to set a goal and achieve it in every possible way. It’s good if spouses have a common goal, towards which they work together, helping each other.
The most difficult ones include the crisis of family life for 13 years and the betrayal of the husband, which accompanies this difficult period. The most annoying thing is that by this time the couple had experienced a lot: they gave birth to children, went through lack of money, numerous quarrels and misunderstandings.
And suddenly, the wife finds out about the betrayal. Despite this development of relations, there is no need to rush to extremes and immediately kick out the offending spouse. First of all, you need to calm down and find out the reason for your spouse’s behavior. In any case, when a problem arises in the family, both spouses are to blame. Try to understand what happened, and perhaps you will be able to correct the situation. It is also necessary to take into account such a moment as the adolescence of children, who are especially sensitive to quarrels and divorce of their parents.
Crisis of 2-3 years of marriage
This stage of the family life crisis, according to the observations of psychologists, is defined as one of the most destructive. The theory is confirmed by disappointing practice - about 40% of couples file for divorce during this period of time. What becomes the main reason for the sad outcome of events?
Bored relationships. The monotony of family life causes a feeling of fatigue and irritation from forced daily communication. Common topics of conversation disappear, you don’t want to go home after work, and intimate relationships have become a routine habit of performing marital duties.
3 main rules for an ideal relationship:
Getting to know each other has long ceased to interest spouses who believe that over the past time they have already gotten to know their significant other enough. Hence the reluctance to listen, to delve into the essence of the problem, constant conflicts and quarrels. To distract himself, the husband begins to glance at pretty women on the street, and the wife makes eyes at her handsome colleagues.
Family life is gradually turning into a daily showdown, which sooner or later will lead to divorce, unless both come to their senses and try to restore their feelings again.
