Life is multi-layered and complex. This is especially well understood in the practice of relationships. Today we will look at them through the prism of transactional analysis by Eric Berne.
Emotional states are unstable, replacing each other suddenly so that sometimes control over the situation is completely lost. In order for people to understand each other, sometimes they have to give up their own interests, plans and moods in order to be able to help a person cope with his emotions. Do you understand how important we all are to each other?
We can see a friend's situation more broadly than he himself. And he, accordingly, can see our mistakes or shortcomings, helping us with his opinion to improve and look at the situation from the other side. The difference between your own perception and your opponent’s view of the same is fundamentally different.
Transactional analysis
Eric Berne analyzed communication by breaking it down into "units of communication" or "transactions" .
Hence the name of the method – transactional analysis. The theory provides answers to questions that determine the quality of our communication [2]:
- What are our ego states?
- What ego states do we carry with us throughout our lives?
- How to remove “garbage” from our heads, what should we focus on in communication?
- How do our states manifest themselves in different situations and behavior patterns?
- How can we “balance” our ego states so that they work for creation?
The subject of transactional analysis in psychotherapy is the study of ego states - integral systems of ideas and feelings that manifest themselves in our communication through appropriate behavior patterns. Using “units of interaction” - transactions, we can represent the most complex language of human relationships in the language of interactions of three basic ego states. Even a person far from psychotherapeutic practice can learn to understand the language of our ego. Speaking this language means mastering the art of communication to perfection.
Attitude to the world and to oneself according to transactional analysis
A conflict arises where the direct stimulus is directed from Adult to Adult (“Where is the report for today?”), and the reaction comes from the ego state of the Child (“Again, it’s all my fault!”). In this case, we see the so-called “ cross transaction ”, which is usually the beginning of a scandal.
But there is also a variant of “ hidden transactions ”, in which something specific is said, but something completely different is meant. At the same time, gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice often do not coincide with what the person is saying.
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Ego states
For many of us, morning is a familiar sequence of actions: bathroom - breakfast - going to work. Each of them is accomplished without hesitation, “on autopilot.” At such moments we are in a state of self-controlling “Parent”.
On the way, we relax, unreasonably enjoy our mood, the sun and birdsong, the freshness of the invigorating air and a great morning - we allow our inner “Child” to manifest itself.
Suddenly, the metro, which we usually take to get to the office, is closed. We are forced to solve a specific problem - choose a path: take buses, catch a taxi or work at home. We switch from the state of “parental autopilot” to “manual control”, transferring the initiative to the “Adult”.
In just a few minutes, on the way to the office, we visited different states of the ego - our “I”.
At every moment of life, our feelings, thoughts, words, reactions and actions are determined by one of three possible ego states:
- I am a Parent
- I'm an Adult
- I am a child
Transactional analysis by Eric Berne is a ready-made set of tools for analyzing the states of our Self. Each of us can learn to use them without plunging into the jungle of the unconscious.
Carefully observe mom/dad for about 10 minutes. Notice how at least two ego states appear. She had just taught her daughter from the position of “Parent,” and in a split second she reacted to her husband’s remark from the position of “Child.” And after a few minutes, having thought, she spoke to him as an “Adult”.
Changes in ego states can and do occur quickly and frequently , and from time to time all states or two out of three appear simultaneously.
How to determine the ego state of an “Adult” based on external signs?
You can begin to analyze your own or someone else’s facial expressions, gestures, and peculiarities of oral speech. An “adult” more often operates with the words: “Why, where, when, who and how, in what way, relative, comparative, truth, true, lie (meaning not true), probably, perhaps, unknown, I think, I see, this is mine opinion" [2]. “Adult” uses personal pronouns of the 1st person, saying “I”, “we”, “mine”, which indicates the degree of responsibility assumed; there are fewer impersonal constructions and the use of passive voice. An “adult” does not say “it happened that way,” “it seemed,” “that’s what happened,” and the like.
At the behavioral level, “Adult” is characterized by a direct gaze, without aggression, coordinated movements, lack of ingratiation and suppression of others.
I am a Parent
In the “I-Parent” state, a person copies parental patterns of behavior or images of authorities . Feels, thinks, conducts a conversation and reacts to what is happening in the same way as his parents did in his childhood.
According to Berne, the controlling state of the “Parent” performs the function of conscience and influences a person even in those moments when his external behavior is determined by the states of the Adult or the Child. Often, the “Parent” state is used as a model when raising one’s own children. Therefore, a new parent, as a rule, behaves in the same way as his parents behaved with him. If he was scolded for breaking plates, he will soon begin to scold his children. He will have this reaction automatically; he needs to learn to stop himself and turn on his inner Adult.
"Parent" manifests itself in our ability to do things automatically, in common phrases and in manners. He likes to state: “It is impossible,” “It is necessary,” “It must be.”
What happens if the “I-Parent” ego becomes dominant over the years?
A person whose state is strictly dominated by the ego-parent easily goes to the other extreme: he tries to control the situation everywhere and always. In case of failure, he reproaches and nags himself for any reason, in everything that happens to him, he looks for and finds his guilt.
If such a scenario prevails for years and decades, it becomes the cause of psychosomatic disorders. In this case, the “I-Parent” state manifests itself as destructive and proceeds with serious consequences . As long as the parent exists, the individual will not be able to escape from his controlling influence at the level of parental programs-instructions laid down in childhood. The only way to break out of the shackles is to rewrite the outdated parent programs.
Controlling and Caring Parent
A caring Parent - "living" in you or in others - is one of the happiest states that a person can manifest and experience. He is able to help by forgiving your grievances and imperfections. He finds pleasure in this, so such help will always be on time and is perceived naturally, without tension. All that a Caring Parent requires in return is a little attention to his person.
- I am the Controlling Parent
The Controlling Parent always and everywhere strives to “knock out the wedge with the wedge.” A person in this state will again and again draw attention to your mistakes and weaknesses, emphasize his superiority and guide you on the right path with or without reason.
Transaction Types
There are three types of transactions:
- Parallel. When the ego states of the interlocutors are parallel. Example: “What's for dinner tonight? – Meat and pasta” (Adult-Adult). “Cook me something to eat, I’m very hungry. “Okay, I’ll feed you” (Child - Adult. Adult - Child).
- Cross. When the ego states of interlocutors intersect. Example: “You didn’t put the documents back in their place again?” (Parent addresses the Child). Answer: “You constantly put them somewhere and forget” (Parent answers Child). Transaction: Parent-Child. Parent-Child.
- Hidden. When completely different ego states are hidden behind the social appearance. Example. Boss: “Your report is no good, you did your job disgustingly.” You: “I’ve been preparing it for a week. He is perfect!". If the subordinate answered: “I don’t think so. Let’s look at my mistakes,” then the Adult-Adult connection would be implied.” This is how it looks at the social level. But hidden behind it is Adult-Child, Child-Adult. Or, another example. Wife: “Did you eat all of dinner?” Husband: “Yes.” At first glance, the connection is Adult-Adult. In reality, you need to pay attention to tone, facial expressions and subtext. Wife (angry because she prepared food for two days, and her husband ate everything in one evening): “Did you eat ALL dinner?” Husband (understands that there will be a scandal, prepares to justify himself): “Yes...”. There is a hidden connection here: Parent-Child, Child-Parent.
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
I am a child
A child continues to live in each of us until our gray hairs . From time to time, he manifests himself in adult life in a completely childlike way - operating with the same feelings, words and thoughts, acting, playing and reacting in the same way as at the age of 2-6 years. At such moments, we live our lives in the “I-Child” state, returning again and again to our childhood experiences, but from the position of a mature personality. In fact, “Child” is that piece of childhood that we manage to preserve until old age.
It is this part of the human personality that Eric Berne considers the most valuable . Staying in this state at any age, we allow ourselves the happiness of remaining natural - enthusiastic and sweet, joyful and sad, or stubborn and flexible - the same as we were in our childhood. Spontaneity, intuition, a spark of creativity - most clearly manifested in childhood, we carry into adulthood and manifest again in the state of a Child.
What happens if the Child-I ego becomes dominant over the years?
Rigidly dominating in adulthood, the Child's condition can become a source of serious problems. Having suffered even a momentary failure, a person in the “I-Child” state immediately finds a scapegoat - an imperfect world, insincere friends, stupid bosses, a family always complaining about life, or, for lack of more specific objects, karma and a generational curse. The consequence of such reasoning is a guilty verdict that he pronounces on people, the world and himself, disappointment with life, neglect of the opportunity to use the experience gained to avoid similar mistakes in the future.
As in the case of the dominance of the “I-Parent” position, a constant stay in the “I-Child” state stretched out over time and the accumulation of negative emotions in the form of resentment and bitterness is the foundation for serious psychosomatic illnesses. The same consequences can be expected by actively and systematically suppressing the “Child” in oneself from the “I-Adult” state.
Free and adaptive Child
Depending on the role that parents played in raising a person in his early childhood, his Child can be formed Free or Adaptive.
the Free Child within us , we are able not only to perceive life, but to be surprised and sincerely rejoice at its manifestations. We are able to forget about age, laugh until we cry at a good good joke, experience childish delight from the feeling of unity with nature and its energies. We are ready to break into a wide smile when we find a like-minded person, to love those around us for no reason, to find meaning in everything that happens to us and around us.
The Adaptive Child is full of constant doubts and complexes.
It is easy to identify him in his surroundings by the “mask of the Victim” - a constantly preoccupied and anxious expression on his face. Usually this mask fully corresponds to his internal state - tension, fear of taking an extra or wrong step, doubt, struggle with himself over any, even the most insignificant, reason. Life for him is movement along a predetermined trajectory, and what this trajectory will be is often not chosen by him.
I'm an Adult
In the “I-Adult” state, a person evaluates the environment and what is happening to him objectively, and is able to calculate the likelihood and possibility of certain events based on accumulated experience. Being in this state, a person lives according to the “Here and Now” principle, exchanging sensory and logical information with the world like a computer - in real time. A pedestrian crossing the street, a surgeon performing an operation, or a scientist giving a report is in the “I-Adult” state. The main words of the Adult are: “This is expedient”, “I can - I can’t”, “Let’s count”, “Where is the benefit?”
What happens if a person chooses to be guided by the Adult Self ego?
The “I-Adult” state presupposes an adequate assessment of reality and one’s actions, and acceptance of responsibility for each of them. In the “I-Adult” position, a person retains the opportunity to learn from his mistakes and use the accumulated experience for further development. He does not crucify himself for his mistakes, but accepts responsibility and moves on.
Instead of dragging behind him the heavy emotional tail of mistakes and defeats, he takes a new chance and finds the right way to correct them with minimal energy expenditure. On the other hand, being under constant control from the “Parent” and “Child”, the “Adult Self” loses the ability to make informed decisions. And then the “Adult”, who fell under the influence of the “Child”, will spend all his earnings for six months on a magnificent New Year celebration.
HR and Psychology. Models of human interaction according to Eric Berne
In this article we will discuss positions in a team using the example of roles from Eric Berne's transactional analysis. We think this could be an interesting experiment. Whether it was a success or not, you can figure out for yourself based on the coincidences.
Life situations require different behavior and psychological reactions from us. Every day a person plays about a dozen roles that are different from previous ones, thereby presenting himself in the arena of society. In the morning it can be the role of a son, daughter, husband, wife, bachelor. Then the role of an interlocutor on a bus, a buyer in a store, a bank visitor. Then the course of the game will change, and now the person can confidently solve the problems of a small company or a huge corporation.
It seems that it is simply impossible to adequately manage so many scenarios, but in fact all the acts and actions of the above “life performances” are unconscious and based on reflexes that have been practiced over the years.
Having carefully observed people in similar everyday situations, psychologists have concluded that the basis of a person’s personality is not a single entity, it is divided into three components: Child, Adult and Parent. Therapists who use transactional analysis in their practice use the abbreviations D (Child - so as not to be confused with Parent), B (Adult) and P (Parent). These three elements, or ego states, should ideally work in symbiosis and “come out into the light” alternately, depending on the situation.
“Parent - Adult - Child” is a very useful model that allows us to better understand at what level interaction occurs between people and who is in what position most often.
Parent
How does a person in this position usually behave?
The Parent ego state is formed in a person on the basis of his personal observations of his mother and father. The Parent concentrates the norms of behavior, life principles and principles familiar to the family in which the child grew up. From this ego state in a person’s personality, one can draw a conclusion about how his parents behaved in everyday life, in relation to each other and to the person himself.
In structural analysis, two states of the Parent , namely: P-criticizing and P-caring.
The Critical Parent builds our social behavior, prohibits us from committing immoral acts, forces us to fulfill our promises, etc. We can say that the Parent shows us the limits of conscience and shames us when our actions go beyond the limits. However, despite such severity, the R-critic also protects the Adult from the bad influence of outsiders: he fights back against offenders, expresses his personal opinion, and defends his position.
A caring Parent gives us self-confidence, allows us to feel sorry for ourselves and listen to our own feelings. Each person simply needs to cultivate an adequate R-carer in order to prevent emotional burnout and not to overwhelm himself with work, study and everyday life.
How does this role manifest itself at work?
The role of a parent tends to manifest itself in us at the moment when we begin to manage people. We take responsibility for the department, we begin to make decisions to hire a person or not, to fire or promote. This echoes the fact that a parent has to make decisions: which school to send the child to, whether to allow something to be done or to prohibit it. Therefore, it is easy to unconsciously fall into this role, especially if in a normal state you do not allow yourself to decide something for someone, you do not feel the right to do this at all, but you need to manage. It is very easy to awaken the parent in yourself and go to control in this state.
Parent-Adult Relationships
A parent needs to be admired, respected for his authority, and listened to. An adult is rational - if he does not see objective reasons, he will not praise. It is important for a parent that everyone listens to him. He is an unquestioned authority. An adult is his own authority and listens only to himself and his own desires.
Parent-Child Relationship
These relationships are more harmonious, since the Parent is raising, and the child needs attention, he does not want to take responsibility, he needs an accompanying person who will tell him what and how to do, and will also do most of the work himself.
Adult
In this state, all those features that we in everyday life call logical, rational, reasonable are collected.
Imagine a situation when you are choosing products in a store: it is important for you to find a good product at an affordable price. You compare the cost, read the ingredients and choose the most successful option, in your opinion.
an Adult works . Like a computer, he calculates all possible action patterns and strives to do what would be the safest and most convenient in a given situation. In other words, the behavior of an Adult can be characterized as learned, habitual in the society of similar Adults.
Sometimes the actions of an Adult are mechanical, like digital algorithms; for this ego state it is important to ask a question, answer it and only then act.
Despite the fact that the Adult is very logical and strict, it is the most unstable and vulnerable ego state and often seems to be overlapped by other elements of the personality. In the case of any mental and neurotic disorders, the Adult is in a kind of cryosleep and can no longer manage everyday affairs. A person becomes dependent, driven and unable to improve his life.
If all people had an equally strongly developed Adult ego state, we would be like two peas in a pod and act the same in all life situations, not paying attention to feelings and emotions. However, in addition to the Adult, there are two more elements of personality that determine our individuality.
An adult is the basic state of personality; it is our more reasonable, logical role. If you start to analyze your condition, you automatically end up here.
There is even a psychological life hack : ask a person who is overwhelmed by emotions: “What are you feeling now, can you formulate what this emotion is called?” At this moment, a person begins to think, which knocks him out of his emotions, calming him down in the moment. We are adults when we ride the subway, when we buy a loaf of bread and when we don’t interact with other people. And, of course, we can be adults while interacting.
How does this manifest itself in your work?
This is prudence, logic, planning and responsibility for your area of work. In this state, a person may appear overly dry, unemotional, but efficient in doing their job.
Relationship between Adult and Parent
Difficult communication. The parent constantly insists on his own, gives forced advice, wants to decide everything for everyone. An adult sees his area of responsibility and undertakes to solve his problems - simply, rationally and effectively.
A parent needs to be respected, placed in authority and thanked. In this interaction, the Adult can ask the Parent for advice in order to gradually transfer him to the Adult state and come to an agreement. This will work well if the Parent is responsible only for himself and not for the team. It is worth asking questions about his immediate tasks, his personal goals, work, etc.
Also, the Parent often consults a specialist who has been doing his job for a long time, and everyone comes to him for advice. He, feeling authority, can express his position against. In order to come to an agreement with him, you need to either be more authoritative in his business, or find a specialist who has greater authority recognized by the same Parent, then things will work out too. But only recognized, otherwise confrontation is inevitable.
Relationships between Adult and Child
Interaction can go well if we move from the position of an Adult to the position of a Parent and begin to gradually bring the Child to responsibility. If the Adult demands, then the Parent instructs, shows the benefits, and negotiates with the Child. When the Child agreed with the Parent and accepted the proposal, you can gradually move to the position of the Adult and plan further steps.
Child
How does a person in this position usually behave?
The most interesting (but also the most problematic) part of the personality is our inner Child (or, as we will call him later, the Child ). This ego state is an emotional basis that is controlled by B and R. It is in the “Child” part of the ego that creative activity begins, hobbies appear, and originality is built.
Nevertheless, there are also dangerous sides - this part of the personality lacks logic and a sense of fear, which can sometimes lead to disastrous situations if the inner Parent has not looked after the youngest. The Child has a huge range of emotions: from heartbreaking sadness to “puppy” delight.
The “Child” state is divided into two subtypes: D-natural and D-adaptive . The natural Child of a mature person includes impulsiveness, emotionality, the desire to insist on one’s own even when wrong, as well as the desire to obtain pleasure by any means. The Adaptive Child behaves to please the Parent, that is, in such a way as to gain approval and praise from the elder element of the personality, and does not go beyond what is permitted.
Ideally, it is the Adult who should decide when to “release” the Child and Parent. Eric Berne suggests considering the personality of a mentally healthy person in the form of a diagram consisting of three circles, each of which represents the essence of Child, Adult and Parent. The three circles are in equilibrium, there are no overlaps.
How does this manifest itself in your work?
The child does not decide anything; adults do it for him, but they also take care of the child. An employee in a child's state may not be promoted because he is unconsciously perceived as immature for promotion, even if he has the highest expertise. It is scary to entrust such a person with a responsible task. But up to a certain point, this is a very advantageous position, especially for those who do not like to take responsibility. Such people feel that they were “not trained”; they reason like this: the boss “doesn’t invest in me”, “doesn’t raise me.” There is even such a request in the HR environment: “I’m looking for a junior, I’ll raise him, I’ll love him.” This, by the way, means that there will be a very small salary.
Relationship between Child and Parent
Effective interaction develops between the Child and the Parent , because one instructs, teaches, and the second listens and performs under control. Often the Parent can take on part of the Child’s work - they say, he is responsible. Entrusts the Child with some minor tasks and constantly monitors, checks, and pays attention to him. The key point is the attention of the Parent to the Child.
Child-Adult Relationships
The first considers the second heartless, cold and evil. A good example is from The Devil Wears Prada: Miranda as an Adult and Andy at the beginning of the film as a Child. The interaction between an Adult and a child becomes effective when the Child begins to move into the position of an Adult. And for this we need a Parent who will give advice and show that it is beneficial, for example, as in the same film, advice from Nigel when she came to complain. He was in the position of a Parent for her.
An example of Parent-Adult-Child interaction from the film “The Devil Wears Prada.”
Where is Miranda in the position of an Adult, Nigel - a Parent for Andy and Andy herself in the role of a Child.
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Examples when the balance of the three began to be disturbed
Pedant
If the field of the “Adult” is littered with the rubbish of the instructions of the “Parent”, and the “Child” is blocked, without the opportunity to influence the “Adult” - we have before us a classic pedant, a person deprived of the ability and desire to play. A biscuit that resembles a walking mechanical circuit. And then a chronic lack of bright positive emotions can provoke an explosion of immoral behavior, for which the strict inner “Parent” will punish up to psychosomatic disorders.
Shameless hypocrite
Let’s imagine a situation where the field of the “Adult” is buried in immoderate children’s desires, and the “Parent” is blocked, without the ability to limit them. The actions of such a person in society are determined by the goal: to fully satisfy the needs of his “Child,” while the “Parent” tries to strictly control the environment.
We are dealing with a hypocrite - a person without conscience. Having received power, such a person easily transforms into a sadist, trying to satisfy needs at the expense of the interests of his environment. Over time, conflict at the social level is projected onto the inner world with tragic consequences for mental and physical health.
Ungovernable
If the field of the “Adult” is under the constant control of the “Parent”, and at the same time is burdened by the fears of the “Child”, we are dealing with a person who is deprived of the ability to control. His position: “I understand that I am doing wrong, but I can’t do anything.”
Depending on which component of the ego takes over at the moment, a person who does not control himself can either show himself to be a saint or a complete debauchee. This internal alignment is an ideal breeding ground for neurosis and psychosis.
