What is the name of the phobia: fear of falling in love, fear of falling in love and love?

Internal anxiety, the difficulties of relationships, haunting failures and failures, psychosomatic diseases that come from nowhere - all this interferes with life, does not allow one to believe in the future and respect oneself, causes not only mental, but sometimes physical pain, and can lead to despair and depression. At all times, mental restlessness, confusion of thoughts and feelings have brought torment to a person and led him to seek help. It was provided by priests and monks, confessors and simply close friends. Today, anyone in need of such support can seek, among other things, professional psychological help .

Those who decide to turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist for the first time have many fears and questions: how they will work with him, what this work consists of, whether he will fall under a kind of “X-ray” that will highlight what a person is not ready to show to another , what diagnosis will be given to him. Work experience shows that all these worries recede into the background, bringing forward a great desire to speak out, to be heard, understood and to receive help - relief from internal pain.

Help from a psychologist is, first of all, an opportunity to get rid of the feeling of loneliness when you are left alone with your problems, an opportunity to talk about them openly, without fear of negative value judgments. After all, the presence of a problem does not characterize you as “bad” or “wrong”, but only speaks of temporary inability, the inability to recognize its true causes and see solutions, which, as a rule, go beyond the usual ideas and patterns of behavior.

An open, confidential conversation about the complexities of life and the feelings experienced, a joint analysis with a psychologist of past events and the present that follows them, the choice of solutions that can resolve a painful situation and ease the suffering of the soul - this is what professional help and support implies, what we offer you .

What is philophobia

Philophobia - what is it in simple words? The name is derived from the Greek words philos, which translates as “beloved,” and phobos, which translates as “fear.” Philophobia is the fear of falling in love, the fear of falling in love and love. It is also a fear of intimacy in relationships. An alternative name is counterdependency in relationships between men and women.

It is difficult to distinguish a philophobe by external characteristics:

some avoid people of the opposite sex, others, on the contrary, constantly start new romances;
some refuse sex, others only agree to it;
some get married or get married, others remain single;
some give birth to children, others avoid it;
some behave quietly and inconspicuously, others constantly attract attention;
some take care of their body, mind and soul, others neglect themselves;
some are extremely successful and self-sufficient, others look miserable.

Someone who is afraid of love can look absolutely anything. However, no matter what a person demonstrates externally, the fact remains that inside he is not capable of long-term, trusting relationships, because he is afraid. Yes, he can get along with someone, bare his body in front of someone, but he will never bare his soul. One can only guess what it is like for those who find themselves next to a philophobe. There is always an invisible wall between a person who is afraid to fall in love and the outside world.

Psychologists identify the following types of philophobia :

fear of falling in love;
fear of falling in love and love;
fear of intimacy;
fear of serious relationships;
fear of love in all its manifestations;
fear of being rejected;
fear of losing a loved one;
fear of losing the ability to think rationally (there is a myth that love changes a person, makes him irrational);
fear of becoming a bad partner (associated with perfectionism, self-doubt);
fear of making a mistake in choosing a partner, of living life with the wrong person.

Interesting! As a rule, philophobes do not see the problem. They get used to living in their own specific world. Therefore, they turn to a psychologist either when they find themselves completely alone and suffering from this, or at the request of another person.

What does an neglected phobia lead to?

To be loved and to love is a natural human need. This is important for full and comprehensive self-realization and finding harmony. Denial and avoidance do not make the patient happy; the pain of the past does not subside. Most philophobes deny this; they create their own individual world in which they are comfortable and safe.

The inability to build trusting relationships also affects the sphere of friendships. Along with this comes the awareness of uselessness, unhappiness, and loneliness. And casual acquaintances and superficial communication further enhance the feeling of emptiness and meaninglessness of life.

Reasons for fear of falling in love

Thus, we are talking not so much about fear (it sits firmly in the subconscious), but about the inability to build close relationships (a defense mechanism that was turned on at some point). What triggers the process of human glaciation?

Reasons for fear of love and infatuation in relationships:

Childhood trauma of rejection. Perhaps the child did not have enough love and warmth from his parents. To survive and accept this, he had to forget how to love and withdraw into himself.
Unrealistic ideal of a man/woman. This can be either an idealized image of a mother or father, or a belief in fairy tales about princes and princesses. Usually, an idealized image of someone is formed against the backdrop of the loss of that “someone.” For example, when a partner with whom he had a generally good relationship dies. Over time, the psyche excludes all the bad from memories and exaggerates the good. Or the mother/father was really ideal for the child, instilled in him that no woman or man could be better than them.
Unfavorable family. If mom and dad often argued, then the child developed the attitude “relationship = aggression, evil, pain.”
Prejudice, stereotypical thinking. “All men are goats,” and “All women are fools or mercantile bitches.” Such an attitude can be formed both against the background of personal negative experience and against the background of suggestion from parents.
Personal negative relationship experience. Betrayal, a painful breakup, divorce, death of a partner, forced separation, for example, due to moving, unrequited love - all this causes a blow to the psyche.
Violence. We are talking about both cruelty in relationships and violence from a stranger. An unsuccessful intimate experience also falls into this group of reasons: the partner was rude, it was very painful, the partner distributed intimate photos, etc.

The reason for the fear of falling in love is disappointment in someone close. A person does not want to experience the same pain that he once experienced, so he decides to withdraw into himself, to isolate his soul from others.

Interesting! Behind the fear of falling in love lies an inferiority complex, fear of responsibility, unwillingness and inability to take care of someone, fear of becoming dependent on someone (losing freedom, losing personal hobbies), mental instability.

New love reminds of past pain

When we start a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how much it will be affected by our past. The way we have been wounded by previous feelings, dating back to childhood, greatly influences how we perceive the people with whom we become intimate, and in particular how we behave in romantic relationships. Old grievances can prevent us from opening up to someone new. We may withdraw from intimacy because it reminds us of the feelings of pain, loss, anger, and rejection we experienced from a previous relationship. As Dr. Love said in an interview with PsychAlive, “When you long for something, like love, for a long time, it becomes associated with pain, the pain of not having it in the past.”

Signs and symptoms of philophobia

As we have already said, it is not so easy to suspect the presence of philophobia, but something may indicate the fact of fear of falling in love and love.

Signs and symptoms of philophobia:

a person spends more time in solitude or, conversely, tries to constantly be in company;
a person does not take care of his personal life or, on the contrary, starts superficial relationships, often changes friends and partners;
a person does not take care of his appearance, body, health (“Who should I show off for?”) or, on the contrary, devotes too much time to this;
the person became irritable and hot-tempered.

Philophobes develop a pessimistic view of the world, have problems sleeping, and are bothered by obsessive thoughts. Some philophobes share their experiences with other people, while other philophobes prefer to keep everything to themselves.

How to suspect a philophobe in a relationship? For example, as soon as a partner starts talking about the topic “What’s going on between us?”, “Don’t you love me?”, “We need to talk about our relationship,” the philophobe becomes aggressive and withdraws into himself as much as possible. He can even break off the relationship, as long as no one tries to get to the bottom of him.

And even if the partner does not bother with questions, but it seems to the philophobe that he has begun to become attached to the partner, then at that very moment, without explanation, the philophobe breaks off the relationship or makes sure that he is abandoned. However, more often he plays it safe and leaves the person after 1-2 dates.

If there are children in the family, then the philophobe is cold towards them in the same way as towards his spouse. He continues to live for his own pleasure. No, he fulfills the basic needs of the father/mother, but he does it as a mechanism. You shouldn’t expect sultry conversations, joint games and hugs from him.

The philophobe convinces himself and others that he does not need love, that he has given up on everyone and abandoned everyone. This is how the defense mechanism of the psyche works: hit first so that they don’t hit you.

If the mechanism malfunctions, the philophobe suspects himself of being attached to someone, or it seems to him that he said something unnecessary, gave free rein to his emotions, then he panics. Anxiety manifests itself at a somatic level:

nausea,
headache,
vomit,
dizziness,
arrhythmia,
tachycardia,
sweating,
feeling of suffocation
pre-fainting state,
chills,
tremor.

In this state, a person becomes dangerous to himself and others. He can be aggressive, he can hit, shout, insult.

Interesting! Most philophobes are distinguished by their cynicism and cruelty. They put on a mask that scares people away. For this reason, they can be confused with misanthropes - people who hate other people. In fact, usually one is closely related to the other.

Treatment options

First of all, you need to recognize your problem. No matter how trivial it may sound, this is precisely the first step in overcoming it. But do not delude yourself - from awareness to complete recovery you will have to go quite a long way, which will not be easy. You need to reconsider your own habits and understand what of them provokes such uncertainty in other people. If necessary, consult a psychologist.

Philophobia responds well to treatment in special therapy groups. Especially if all classes are conducted under the supervision of a good specialist. He can organize a program according to which you will have to be treated. Individual lessons are not recommended, since the first thing a philophobe needs to do is learn to trust other people.

Medicines

To overcome anxiety and panic attacks, if present, you can use medications. For this, regular sedatives or, if the anxiety attacks are too severe, more powerful drugs are suitable.

Some of the most common ones include:

Tranquilizers. Symptoms are quickly relieved immediately after administration. If consumed regularly, they can prevent attacks before they even begin. Among the negative properties is the ability to develop addiction and too short-term help.
Antidepressants. They do not cause addiction, but have a number of side effects, which is why they are used by specialists with great caution. In order to reduce the likelihood of withdrawal or the occurrence of negative manifestations, it is recommended to increase the dose very gradually and under the supervision of a specialist. Bringing it to the recommended values may take several weeks. This greatly reduces their effectiveness as instant-acting drugs, but at the same time makes them irreplaceable in the long term.
Neuroleptics. They are used in ultra-low doses due to their too aggressive reaction to the human nervous system. They can serve solely as an adjuvant for therapy.

It is worth noting that taking medications simply relieves symptoms, but does not cure the cause. To use them to completely overcome the disease, it is worthwhile only in close symbiosis with classes from a specialist.

Psychological help

This therapy consists of several exercises that are aimed at counteracting the negative symptoms of the disease. They are structured in such a way as to gradually teach a person “shoulder sense” and trust in others. In addition, in some cases, techniques are used that are supposed to teach empathy and compassion for others.

The stages of help are very similar to overcoming depression and include:

Cognitive behavioral therapy. In some cases it is called the “four step method.” It is aimed at correcting persistent mental attitudes in the patient’s brain and developing the ability to look at the problem in an abstract way. It goes very well with taking medications, as they help you distract from obsessive thoughts and switch to overcoming their consequences.
Interpersonal therapy. Here the focus is on interaction between several people with a similar problem. It is used for those philophobes for whom their disorder prevents them from fully fulfilling their social role. That is, for their gradual return to society as full-fledged members.
Group therapy. The patient learns to listen to other people and empathize with their problems, to analyze the degree of his own anxiety when communicating with unfamiliar members of society of both sexes. This develops a sense of empathy, compassion and sympathy, allowing you to better and more fully understand the mechanism of their work.
Psychodynamic therapy. This species fights well with the internal conflict of the individual, which provoked alienation from society or its foundations. Includes a detailed story from the patient about his past, relationships with relatives and friends.

The last type is one of the most important. If the reason lies in the person’s past, and not in his character and personality type, such classes allow not only a specialist to understand the causes of the disorder. The patient himself begins to understand what led to this.

How to get rid of the fear of love

The main method of treating fear of love is psychotherapy. Psychologists use hypnosis, psychoanalysis, gestalt therapy, and cognitive behavioral psychotherapy. In addition, the client is taught auto-training.

The philophobe must understand that his experiences are associated with negative fantasies about the future, and all this is due to traumas of the past. It is necessary to change the attitude towards what happened and get rid of destructive attitudes, destructive personality traits and character.

In advanced stages, medication is indicated: antipsychotics, tranquilizers, antidepressants, sedatives. They are sold strictly by prescription and can only be prescribed by a doctor.

With real joy comes real pain

Every time we fully experience true joy, feel the value of life in all its fullness of emotion, we sometimes expect that great sadness will soon follow. Many of us shy away from anything that makes us happy because it can also cause us pain. The opposite is also true. We cannot selectively withdraw from sadness without withdrawing from joy. When we fall in love, we often hesitate to give ourselves completely to the feeling for fear of the sadness it will generate in us.

Why is the fear of falling in love dangerous?

The more advanced the philophobe’s condition and the more acutely he is aware of his problem, the more dangerous the consequences. Some philophobes are prone to self-harm and self-destruction. They feel like moral monsters, cripples.

However, even if it doesn’t come to this, the life of a philophobe can hardly be called happy. From time to time, a feeling of sadness and loneliness still comes over him. Subconsciously, he understands that he needs love, a trusting relationship (this is the natural need of all people), but is unable to do this due to complexes, fear, and traumatic memories.

True love makes us vulnerable

A new relationship is like uncharted territory, and most of us have a natural fear of the unknown. Allowing the possibility of failure in love is a real risk. In relationships, we trust the other person, allowing them to influence us, which makes us feel too open and vulnerable. Our protective barriers are being destroyed. All the habits that have long allowed us to focus only on ourselves are gradually changed for the sake of the other person. We gradually begin to believe that the more obsessed we are with someone, the more painful they can hurt us.

There's no need to rush

Don't you fall in love at first sight or so much that sparks fly out of your eyes? Are you cautious and need time? Fine! Understand that this is a positive fact rather than a negative one.

Take your time and develop your relationship calmly. Be wise, honest, direct and open with your partner.

Slow-cooked love is often strong and respectful.

In addition, it is less traumatic psychologically than lightning love, when the habits and shortcomings of one person can become a complete surprise to another.