When it comes to relationships, there are many things that can go wrong. But sometimes it's not what you do that causes problems in your relationship, but the fact that you have overactive parents in your life. Whether it's your parents or your partner, they tend to interfere where they shouldn't and can turn your relationship into...
To understand how this happens, we turned to experts in the field of family relationships for advice and received from them a number of expert opinions that are worth paying attention to if you want to protect your relationship from parental interference.
Parents. Models of love
Parents shape their children's future love affairs from birth. The way you grow and the environment in which you develop influence how you perceive, feel and give love.
On the one hand, we learn about love from our parents, on the other hand, this is part of the power that parents receive. Whether we move towards the model of love that we adopted from our parents or move away from it, it is always their model from which we are forced to build.
In one case, a mother instilled in her daughter that she should always have a man in her life. And this forced her to constantly be in relationships, even if they were not healthy. In another family, a young woman was spoiled with gifts from her father as a child and always expected her partners to express their love in the same way. Of course, since the partner was not ready for this, it almost destroyed their relationship.
So the point is that while you can't change the way your parents influenced you as a child, by keeping this in mind you can decide how you will act as an adult to maintain healthy, lasting relationships .
“I raise my children myself, and you just love them”
Of course, no one is perfect, and staying calm all the time is very difficult. As Lao Tzu , “The strongest warrior is the one who is not angry.” Therefore, when aggression arises, try to get rid of it immediately: count to ten, bend your fingers, look to the side. If your imagination works well, look at the situation “from above” - the parent and me.
This pause will be to your advantage. While you are silent, your opponent is trying to understand what you are thinking. And even if you don’t think about anything, he’s already giving in a little. Next, exhale and try to explain: “I understand that you care about me, I accept your love, and I’m pleased, but I’m already an adult and I’m able to deal with my relationships/work/children myself.”
When we observe the attitude of our parents towards our children, we often see because of what words or behavior of our elders we have this or that complex. And we understand that these same problems can be passed on to younger people. Therefore, “I raise my children myself, and you just love them.”
How parents intervene. Boundary violations and cross-contacts
The main way in which parents interfere in the relationship of their adult child is by violating boundaries and appropriate contacts in communication, for example, directly contacting their child’s partner in order to “put in their two cents” in the relationship, “teach how to live”, and in which In some cases, even involve other family members in this.
Every time a parent reaches out to their child's partner or their child's family, family boundaries are crossed. It's very dangerous when this happens. If parents have any concerns about the relationship, they should share them with their child, not with their daughter's boyfriend or their son's girlfriend. Some parents turn to their child's siblings to force them to make parental adjustments to their children's partnerships.
While it is perfectly normal for parents to give advice to their children, it is not at all constructive to go beyond that. Romantic relationships are for the people in the relationship, not their parents. The parent may even be well aware of this, but the interference is still harmful and awkward. If you feel like your partner's parents are too involved in this process, don't be afraid to talk to your partner about it. If you don't, it will continue.
Why does an adult son insult his parents?
Such a hopeless story is unnatural for a mother who loves her son, which means that every mother is simply obliged to immediately extinguish the anger that flared up inside her and force herself to calm down. By responding with insult to insult, you will only sow the seed of discord and anger and thereby aggravate the already difficult situation. Therefore, first of all, you should figure out what are the reasons for such boorish behavior of an adult son (or daughter)?
And to do this, you need to honestly answer a number of unpleasant questions to yourself:
1. When your son, very young or already in school, came to you with his strange drawing (or he was scared in the panic room) - remember, did you laugh at him?
For a man, a woman’s ridicule is always a trauma, and a mother’s ridicule is a very deep trauma. Don't forget about it! Your little son could remember the ridicule and unknowingly harbor resentment for many years to come.
2. Kindergarten or school. Perhaps your son received a lot of comments and complaints from teachers, or third-party people tried to lecture your child in public. Have you always been on the side of your son, or did you support a stranger and, in unison with her, were indignant in public at your son’s hooligan act?
If your boy has really committed a crime, do not pat him on the head for it. But he should hear your indignation and receive a well-deserved punishment at home. And let teachers, educators or the saleswoman of a nearby store only know that you will definitely understand this situation. But you will never reprimand your son with them!
3. Have you yourself said hurtful and insulting words to your child (during a quarrel or for “educational” purposes)?
Sissy
The monster of all monsters is Mama's Boy. At least that's what any therapist will tell you from their experience working with couples. And let's be honest: anyone who has been in a relationship with someone like this knows how terrible it is. To be clear, it is not bad for a man or woman to love or communicate with their mother, but not when that connection is too strong; one might even say aggressive.
The worst kind of interference is when the mother actually competes with the girl. In this case, by remaining his confidant, instead of encouraging her son to go to the girl and build his own relationship with her... she sees his girlfriend as a threat.
When mom interferes in this way, it is not only intrusive, but also very scary. There are mothers who seem capable of crawling into bed with a young couple and pushing the girl aside in their concerns for the well-being of their son. It's funny and scary, they are so competitive. And this applies not only to men and their mothers. This kind of over-involvement and over-attachment occurs between women and their fathers. The result is a strange and angry experience that ultimately destroys the relationship.
Reasons for hating your mother
Negative feelings towards your own mother cannot arise spontaneously. Hatred towards her is a product of numerous insults and a cluster of childhood psychotraumas that a parent intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on her child. Unfortunately, many children have been affected by this problem, and now it is poisoning their lives. Why specifically can hatred of the mother arise:
- Emotional coldness. Not all women have a pronounced maternal instinct. At the birth of a child, these mothers do not have a need to show feelings and tenderness. They serve him, feed him, take him to kindergarten, but always keep an emotional distance. It is very important for a child to feel his mother’s warmth. For proper psychological development, he needs a loving, affectionate mother. When a son or daughter does not receive attention from their parent and feels cold, they gradually begin to hate her, never receiving what is rightfully due to them.
- Conflicts and lack of mutual understanding. A bad relationship between mother and child does not go unnoticed. Conflicts between generations are inevitable, but there are truly irreconcilable differences. Negative emotions accumulate, and then children feel alienation, anger, and emptiness. The inability or unwillingness of a mother to establish contact with her son or daughter leads to the fact that children hate the woman they should love and respect.
- The power of the mother. If a woman does not allow her child to take a step without her own approval, then at first she can indeed serve as an unquestioning authority for him. But after a while, a child or a teenager will definitely rebel, and a real war will begin, which will lead to hatred. Unfortunately, mothers rarely understand their mistakes and continue to attack even when the child has long become an adult: they meddle in personal life, control, and impose their opinions. Then the relationship with your son or daughter never becomes friendly.
- Mother's jealousy towards the child's father. Most often, this problem concerns daughters due to their belonging to the fair sex. Why does a daughter hate her mother within the framework of psychology? Sometimes women behave instinctively, without listening to the voice of reason. Mothers are unconsciously jealous of their husband, especially if a warm, trusting relationship has developed between dad and daughter, and at this time not everything is going smoothly between the spouses. As a result, the mother constantly humiliates her daughter, trying to compete with her in the fight for the attention of her man, spoiling the relationship with both and causing fierce hatred in her child.
- Violence in family. Psychological and physical terror on the part of the mother completely kills all the child’s positive feelings towards her. It is simply impossible to forgive such an attitude, because it leaves an indelible imprint on the child’s psyche. Children who have suffered from domestic violence in the family most often say with complete confidence: “I hate my mother!” And how else should you relate to a person who beats and bullies you, although he should be your support and support in everything?
These reasons for negative feelings towards your mother are quite understandable. It is quite difficult to establish relationships after such events, but hatred of the one who gave birth poisons the child’s life and has negative consequences even in the distant future.
Imposing family traditions
If your partner is from a different culture than you, or his parents are very strict about family lifestyle and attitudes, your relationship may be doomed from the start. This situation often occurs when young people belong to some other group: socio-economic class, other race, other religion. Yes, it is racism, classic and prejudiced, but families do not necessarily promote it. More often they see it as maintaining their beliefs. For example, Jewish parents may insist that their child marry another Jew. And this is just one example. Some families will never acknowledge their child's partner from any other group.
However, this does not mean that intercultural relationships cannot be successful. This can be a difficult experience for the child's partner and family to get used to each other. But in any case, if your partner's family does not approve of you at all from the very beginning, they will definitely push your partner and quite hard. The question is, can you handle it?
How can we try to improve the current situation?
Here is one of the techniques. Invite your son to draw. For example, draw your family. First, you can ask him what family means to him, who his family is. The picture can show a family on a walk, at lunch, at a birthday party, etc.
The child will determine this himself. Next, ask the boy to name 2-3 positive qualities that each family member has, or what each person does best. And it’s better to start with him himself.
Summarize what you drew, note how soulful the drawing turned out, what a beautiful and strong family it shows, how many good qualities the family has. Praise your son for his drawing, for his ability to note the positive characteristics of everyone, add a few more positive qualities to his “portrait”.
The pressure of parental problems on children.
When a guy's parents have problems in their marriage, it can be difficult in many ways, including the young man's romantic relationships. Witnessing a marriage end can give younger generations a cynical view of their own love relationships. Divorce can influence them by creating the perception that they should avoid people like their father or mother, creating stereotypes about a marriage partner. It is very important for parents to solve their problems in such a way that they do not put pressure on their children with them. Even if it's not a divorce, parents still often put pressure on their children with their problems, harming their relationships.
If at least one of your partner's parents has a problem with alcohol or drugs, it will undoubtedly cause them stress and emotional problems. Your partner may feel that his parents need him more than you. The only way out in such cases is to find a balance by separating your relationship from his relationship with his parents. This does not mean that he should abandon his family, but he should be able to distinguish the difference between his parents' relationship and his own relationship. Just because your parents may be dysfunctional doesn't mean your relationship should be too.
Requests for help
Write your story 56 years, there is no life, after 50 years there is no life at all. I tried to leave, but I still exist. Today my mother learned something strange, and I see the debut of dementia in her. I don’t want to go further, to see my mother in this state, and my husband deteriorating. How can I continue to live? If it's unbearable!!! This is daily torture. If the soul is dead, then everything is hopeless. Olga, age: 56 / 03.12.2021
Responses: 0 Read more Hello. I am a second-year student, and I have failed assessments in three subjects. I can’t correct them, teachers simply don’t notice me. Mom and dad are constantly fighting. I don’t see the meaning of life because of this study, it completely finished me off. How can I deal with this problem?
Misaki, age: 17/01/12/2021
Responses: 7 (+7) Read in full I have no friends, because there were conflict situations with these people. (It’s a shame that I don’t consider anyone to blame, but they blame me for everything...) I am the kind of person who, let’s say, is afraid of everything, shy of everyone. Have I ever thought about suicide? Yes, and more than once. I’m like a magnet for attracting problems, people always tell me how bad and stupid I am. Everyone keeps repeating this, it never gets boring. And this makes me sad.
Risa, age: 13/12/01/2021
Responses: 3 (+3) Read in full Life is going downhill and thoughts of suicide are increasingly occurring. I just think about the past, that I made so many mistakes. All normal acquaintances work well and earn money, those who did not drink in the entrance in their youth and had fun, but studied. My life is now over, all that remains are suicidal thoughts and a black hole in the future, sadness and melancholy. How to live with this?
Vadim, age: 37 / 12/01/2021
Responses: 6 (+6) Read in full I’m 30 years old and I’m in despair. For two weeks I have been haunted by thoughts of suicide. I am afraid to die, realizing that no one needs children except me, and my husband cannot cope alone. But I’m so tired and have nowhere to find strength, no time to stop and breathe freely. What should I do? How to get out of this state when you can’t breathe? How to find another way out...
Alena, age: 30 / 12/01/2021
Replies: 3 (+3) Read in full I have not been fulfilled in anything, my environment is essentially the same, I am struggling with all sorts of chemicals. addictions and don’t understand what to do with the constant feeling of melancholy and self-loathing. I'm not confident in myself and I think that everything I do looks ridiculous and funny. Recently I tried to commit suicide. No one around me knows about this.
Alina, age: 20 / 01.12.2021
Responses: 7 (+7) Read in full I’m almost 29 years old, I really need your advice. Over the last year (most likely more) something strange has been happening to me - I have lost my sense of joy and nothing can bring me this joy. You don’t want anything, and the feeling of wasted time aggravates this condition.
Rain, age: 28 / 30.11.2021
Replies: 3 (+3) Read in full There is no guarantee that I will simply die and not remain disabled until the end of my worthless days. I can not take it anymore! No job, no money, no prospects. I'm holding on for now... But is there any point in this? Why can't you just disappear as if you never existed. I look at old photos - I had everything: friends, work, a normal life... But where did it all go? Where?!! How did it happen that I was left alone?!!!
Chimera, age: 38 / 11/29/2021
Responses: 10 (+3) Read in full I feel like I’m defective, I don’t know how to continue to live. Over the years I feel worse and worse, and I don’t know how I will continue to cope with life. I really want to die. I understand that death by my own hand will impose a posthumous curse on me, but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. Everyone enjoys life, starts families, builds a career, but I live in a world of fears and anxieties, often divorced from reality...
Mikhail, age: 27/11/29/2021
Responses: 6 Read more I am 54 years old. Now I find myself in a very difficult situation. I worked all my life, trying not to rely on anyone. Until 2021, I worked for the company for 15 years, and thought I would continue to do so until retirement. But in 2021, due to the pandemic, the company closed. I was not paid any salary, no help or support. I still have 3.5 years to pay off my mortgage debt. There is no one to ask for help. My daughter has her own family with its own problems, there are also debts, so I don’t contact her, although they sometimes help as best they can. But most importantly, I can’t get a job. I’m constantly in a depressed state, I give up, I sit and cry, thoughts are already starting to come to me, it’s hard to say what.
Anastasia, age: 54 / 11/28/2021
Responses: 5 (+1) Read in full I don’t know what to do. I'm at a loss. My hands give up. I am 26 years old, I finished studying my specialty and worked in it for 2 years, I quit because I began to understand that this was not for me, that it only brought stress and nothing more. I see how my peers achieve everything: someone is a boss, someone has a car, children, a family. And I have nothing, nothing except my job, which I decided to quit. I have thoughts that I am a waste material, and I should leave here and give way to others. No pleasure from life, no bright colors, just dullness. I am a nonentity.
Dmitry, age: 26/11/28/2021
Responses: 3 (+1) Read in full I am in the 9th grade, I study poorly with 2 grades, I live in a village, I got almost all 2 grades in the 1st quarter, the same grades for the 2nd quarter, In my life I feel apathy about everything; I can’t sit down for my homework; it only lasts me 5 minutes and I get tired; I constantly think about suicide.
Misha, age: 15 / 11/27/2021
Replies: 7 Read in full Why live if I am so insignificant, weak and mediocre, and there is so much pain and anxiety in the future? Everything is too bad, too much effort is needed to fix it.
Sveta, age: 26 / 27.11.2021
Responses: 5 Read in full I am 20 years old, I do not study or work. I left after the second year of study because I couldn’t stand it mentally and physically, and I also didn’t see the point in studying. I’ve been lying down and doing nothing for over six months now. I only communicate with two people, and then via the Internet. In real life I have no one. I used to be afraid to communicate with people, but I wanted to. Now I’m afraid and I just don’t want, I don’t see the need to have friends or acquaintances. I'm horrified by the idea that to get a job you have to go to an interview and talk to people. I don’t know what to do, I want to commit suicide
Name, age: 20 / 11/27/2021
Responses: 4 Read in full I can’t live like this anymore, there are constant reproaches and humiliations at home, my dad always blames me for all my sins, my friends betrayed me, they wiped their feet on me, constant conflicts with my grandmother, who has a mild form of schizophrenia. We don’t have a mother; she died 9 years ago. I’m all alone, I can’t bear to deal with all this anymore.
Khadija, age: 17/26/11/2021
Responses: 5 Read more Lately I have been experiencing a persistent desire to die. Probably from fatigue, because a diploma and a business with training take a lot of energy. But the main problem, it seems to me, is the lack of emotional support.
Ilya, age: 21 / 25.11.2021
Responses: 7 Read in full I got married very early at 18, there were already infidelities and beatings, now I’m 6 months old and they raised a hand against me 2 weeks ago. We live with his parents, “In a Kazakh family,” I don’t know where my husband is for a couple of days, his parents don’t allow him to leave or talk to his loved ones. I’m on the verge of a breakdown, I don’t want to live, every time the little man inside stops me.
Leo, age: 18 / 11/24/2021
Responses: 6 Read in full I’m already 25 years old and have nothing. No family, no friends, no boyfriend, no normal job. My peers have already become bosses and started families... I honestly tried to change something. She was friendly, worked, studied. And all this is in vain. So I don’t see any meaning in my life at all. I’m like a person who carried water with a sieve for 20 years.
Wanderer, age: 25 / 11/24/2021
Responses: 8 Read more I don’t know why, but half the class hates me, especially the boys. Sometimes I even want to cry, but I don’t show it. I don’t even talk to my parents about this, no one knows what’s happening to me. Sometimes you just want to leave and never come back...
Masha, age: 14/24.11.2021
Responses: 5 Read in full The Internet has replaced everything and everyone around me. I have no purpose in life at all and nothing interests me. I seem to realize that this cannot continue like this, but I don’t have the strength to change my life. For about a year and a half now, as a result of the above, I have been having suicidal thoughts, and every day they fill my head more and more often.
Gleb, age: 20/11/23/2021
Responses: 6 Read more 1
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Manipulation with money
Money can be a huge factor in romantic relationships. Lack of money and constant financial difficulties put a lot of pressure on people. But money can be just as problematic in your relationship thanks to parental involvement. For example, if a girl's parents continue to give her (and, by extension, you) money (even as a loan), they can thus control your relationship. Money is a big plus that parents use to interfere with independent relationships, although they do not always do it maliciously. But sometimes they do. They give you money, or provide you with housing and say: “As long as I support you, I will decide what you do and how you live.” Financial interference can lead to other types of interference that affect your lifestyle as a couple. This can create puppet strings for you that your partner's parents pull to direct your life as they see fit. The quickest and best solution to this problem is to find a way to adequately support yourself without parental help. There are many aspects in which a person must be independent to make a romantic relationship independent, and financial independence is one of them. If you don't want to be in a position where you are beholden to your potential in-laws, then self-sufficiency is key.
Why can a mother hate her child?
In general, of course, it is definitely difficult to answer such a question. It’s hard to imagine why a mother might hate her child. But, nevertheless, for some individuals this situation is considered the norm. Tyranny on the part of the mother usually manifests itself like this:
- She makes all decisions in the family for you.
- Your opinion has no place in the family.
- Total control accompanies you everywhere.
- You are instilled with a feeling of guilt for everything
- Systematically raises his hand, even for the slightest mistakes
- Criticism haunts you for any reason
- Constant punishments for no reason
Living with such a parent is definitely impossible. Children in such families, as a rule, grow up unsure of themselves and have many complexes. Why does this happen? Why can a mother hate her own blood? The answer to these questions should be sought in the distant past of women. The reasons for this attitude may be the following factors:
- Unwanted pregnancy
- The child's father left his woman because of him
- The child looks like his dad, who left the family
- The child serves as an obstacle to building new relationships
What is required of you in such a situation is not to succumb to the provocations of an embittered mother. Don’t create conflict, try not to get into trouble. Under no circumstances try to prove to your unfortunate mother that you are worth something. This will not help change the attitude towards you for the better. If you are an emotional person, you will have to learn to control your emotions and silently, in practice, prove that you are right. If you live with a mother who hates you, you should behave like this:
- Be patient
- Do not shout in response to the screams of the parent
- If you have already reached the age of majority, you can find other accommodation
- Learn to make decisions
- Explain to your mom that you have grown up and have the right to choose.
Of course, it will be difficult for you, and the help of relatives or loved ones will be very helpful in this situation. It is difficult psychologically to accept the fact that your own mother hates you. If you feel like you can’t cope on your own, contact a psychologist.
Festive dinners.
Despite the joy they are supposed to bring, the holidays can be some of the saddest days of the year. Spending the entire day as a large family can be exhausting in itself, but the holidays especially can cause problems in relationships. You may feel like you want to spend the holidays with your close friend, but his family may resent him for giving his time and attention to you. They may host holiday dinners and insist on their child being with them alone rather than bringing you along, and you may actually feel like you have to share their time with them.
For a growing couple, the holidays are an opportunity to be alone, to get closer and enjoy each other. But when the couple separates, they are denied this opportunity. Spending time with each other's families only comes naturally when the couple becomes more involved in the larger family, and if your partner's parents try to prevent this, then it means they don't approve of you or don't consider you important enough to participate in family interactions .
This can definitely create tension and disrupt communication with your partner.
The requirement to see each other often
Couples need time to be alone and strengthen their relationship, especially if they work. However, this valuable time may be invaded by parents who decide to take over your care. For example, if you live nearby, your partner's mother may start bringing groceries or prepared meals to your house every few days, or her father may show up unannounced to fix a leak in the sink he saw last time. Either way, you just can't get rid of them. They may appear on odd days and odd hours when you're really preoccupied with intimacy issues.
So why do parents do this? This is a manifestation of overprotection and the need to be close. They would like to monitor your relationship, or prevent certain things from happening in your relationship, such as frequent sex. Whatever their reason for hanging up, this intrusiveness can be extremely annoying. Not feeling like you have enough freedom can make you feel suffocated, and this may be enough to make you want to leave the relationship.
"No need to make excuses"
The feeling of guilt and debt prevails in our psyche. And often, when we cannot give our parents what they want, or we cannot care for an old father or mother, we feel guilty. But you need to understand that any question comes from acceptance. Life itself and everything that happens is neutral, and conflict is what we have inside. For some, a cup broken by a husband or child is nothing to worry about, but for others it is a complete tragedy. Therefore, try to be neutral about everything . If you can’t take care of an old parent, do the best you can: find the best nursing home, hire a good nurse, contact trusted specialists - and don’t blame yourself.
And if there are people who condemn (and they always are), there is no need to justify yourself to them. Just say: “Don’t slander a person until you have been in such a situation yourself. To experience everything, you must first live my life. Do you want this? It is unlikely that anyone will answer in the affirmative.
Conspiracy or knee-jerk reaction
Before you hate your partner's parents too much, consider that they may not even understand how unpleasant they are. They may simply do what they think is right or normal. Some families are hyper-involved, but some give each other more freedom. The former don't even realize that they are so dysfunctional and causing problems, even admitting that they sometimes want to interfere in their own child's love life.
For some parents, it's more of a knee-jerk reaction than a malicious conspiracy. It's not just your partner's parents. Your partner may be very used to their parents being involved in every aspect of their life and may not even realize that this is a problem for you as a couple. His parents believe that he cannot be devoted to you because he is devoted to his mother, and sometimes they do not even understand that this is strange behavior, because this is their norm.
So it may not even occur to your partner that something that seems strange or harmful to you is weird or problematic.
Hot temper
The problem of fathers and children is eternal. Do you sometimes feel like arguments with your parents are endless and have no end? Do you feel like your mother doesn't love you? How to live if you want to cry from parental injustice? All these questions often arise on the basis of some rash conclusions made by children in their opinion of their parents. Only in dysfunctional families can we talk about the real reasons for parental dislike. But often the child’s feeling of negativity from his mother is due to his own fantasized and unrealistic guesses. Hot temper is one of the first criteria from which absolutely no conclusions can be drawn. In a quarrel or scandalous situation, a person may throw into the air a phrase that he will later deeply regret. In view of this, all conflicts should always be tried to be resolved in a sober mind and sound consciousness, with steam running, and not in a fit of anger. Then you can reach a consensus and avoid obsessive ideas about how to live if your mother doesn’t love you.
What to do about it.
Recognizing these problems is only half the battle. What really matters is how you as a couple deal with it. The solution to any of these problems is for both partners to learn to become more independent. Young people especially need to be autonomous, they need to try things out in the world themselves, and also make their own mistakes. Part of autonomy is learning how to set and maintain boundaries in life; knowing where your parents' involvement begins and ends. Healthy boundaries in families improve relationships.
If your partner can slowly but surely take steps towards independence from their parents and direct them towards you - then the relationship can be saved. If not, it looks like they ended up being kids with mom and dad!
