“Nobody loves me, I’m flawed, everyone has happiness in their personal life except me,” are absolutely acceptable words from a teenage girl. They are vulnerable to their own puberty and personal development, so they react quite sharply to every failure. But what to do if puberty is long behind you, and thoughts of hopeless loneliness still disturb your soul? It's time to understand the origins and find a solution to this problem!
Remember that it is normal to experience pain.
We react painfully to rejection, no matter what it concerns: friendship, romantic relationships or communication with colleagues.
Once upon a time, such a reaction was necessary for survival. When we lived in tribes, being rejected and cast out from the community was practically death. Therefore, if someone rejects us, a chemical reaction occurs in the brain so strong that it causes physical pain. After this we go through several stages. We blame ourselves first. It seems to us that we have somehow upset the other person. Then we experience humiliation and shame, and feel our own weakness. We try to win the favor of this person again. “It’s not even because we want to please him,” explains psychotherapist Sean Grover, “it’s just that we don’t like feeling that someone doesn’t like us.” We end up feeling like a failure.
These sensations are unpleasant, but completely normal. The main thing is not to focus on them and move on.
Are you nervous?
Dealing with stress and nervous tension is not easy, but it must be done. And here's another reason why.
Studies have shown P. Dalton, C. Mauté, C. Jaén et al. Chemosignals of Stress Influence Social Judgments / PLoS ONE that the smell of sweat released during stress is more distasteful than the smell that occurs during physical activity. A nervous person begins to be perceived as less competent and self-confident. True, such a reaction was found only in men.
You can smooth out the effect if you use an antiperspirant: it muffles the “stress smell.”
Don't blame yourself for everything
Due to the openly expressed hostility of others, many begin to doubt themselves. But don't forget: people's actions are usually explained by their own problems and experiences. It's not about you personally or the other person, it's about both of you.
It’s just that this particular person at this particular moment in life is incompatible with you.
In addition, the other person's disposition has a lot to do with the benefit you bring to him, even if unconsciously. “This shows up in animals as well,” said Jennifer Verdolin, an animal behavior researcher at Duke University. “They prefer to spend time with individuals who are similar to them in status, personality or genetic ties.”
If you don't have anything in common that is valuable to both parties, you will be rejected. It's almost inevitable.
You have too many or few friends on social networks
The number of subscribers also matters. Researchers from the University of Michigan proposed S. Tom Tong, B. Van Der Heide, L. Langwell et al. Too Much of a Good Thing? The Relationship Between Number of Friends and Interpersonal Impressions on Facebook / Journal of Computer‑Mediated Communication students rate several people based on their Facebook profiles. Those who had about 100 or fewer friends scored the lowest. Almost the same reaction was caused by users with more than 300 followers. People who had approximately 300 friends were rated most highly by respondents.
Subsequent studies confirmed GG Scott. More Than Friends: Popularity on Facebook and its Role in Impression Formation / Journal of Computer‑Mediated Communication that the number of followers does affect the impression of a person: too few and too many friends seem suspicious.
Analyze your behavior
Don't blame yourself if someone doesn't like you. However, if this happens constantly, try to look at your behavior objectively.
Ask to explain the reason why you were rejected. For example, you have been told that you brag a lot or are self-centered. Think about whether there is some truth in this. Analyze your behavior. If you really do this and it makes other people uncomfortable, work on yourself.
Just don't overdo it. Of course, some of your habits may annoy others. But often it simply reflects that person's fears, prejudices, or unpleasant memories.
Overcoming the Critical Inner Voice
Once we honestly admit that we are coming from this inner critic, we can begin to separate it from our real point of view. We may notice times when it seeps in and interferes with the filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We can then recognize how this destructive thought process affects our actions. How does my inner critic actually change my behavior?
There are five important steps to overcoming this inner critic. These steps include a method developed by psychologist and author of Master Your Critical Inner Voice, Dr. Robert Firestone, known as voice therapy.
Step One: Find Out What Your Inner Critic Is Telling You
Start to notice when your thought process changes and your inner critic begins to invade your mind. Maybe you're on a date and it starts with, “She doesn't even like you. Why are you wasting your time? You might be in a meeting and when you finally speak, you have this thought: “You're not making any sense. Everyone is looking at you. They want you to just shut up." It is important to understand what situations trigger your critical inner voice and what that voice tells you in those moments.
As an exercise, write down your critical inner voices as “I” statements, such as: “I’m so boring. Nobody likes me". Then, next to these voices, write down thoughts in the form of “you” statements. “You're so boring. Nobody likes you." This actually helps you begin to compartmentalize and see the voice as the enemy rather than yourself.
Step 2. Think about where this critical attitude comes from.
When people record or speak their voices out loud, they sometimes understand where these evil thoughts come from. Many people even begin to imagine that the voice is coming from someone in their life, such as their parents, who were always worried that they would never make friends. Identifying where your voices were originally formed can help you practice self-compassion and differentiate these old relationships from your current reality.
Step Three: Return to Your Critical Inner Voice
This may seem difficult, and this step is often the hardest for people, but it is important that you stand up for yourself. Voice or record a response to your critical inner voice. You should strive to see your good friend from the perspective you would like to have. Write down a more compassionate and realistic response to your vocal attack, once again as an “I” statement. “I'm not boring. I am a unique and worthy person who deserves friendship. I have many qualities that many people will appreciate and love." Don't listen to the undermining criticism that comes up when you do this exercise. As Amy Poehler said, “Standing up for ourselves as well as standing up for one of our friends is a difficult but rewarding thing. Sometimes it works. Even demons need sleep.
Step Four: Think About How Your Voice Influences Your Actions
As you get to know your voices, you will become better able to recognize when they appear. You can actively try to distract yourself and begin to notice how this voice affects your behavior. This may tell you that you are too shy to make friends, so you avoid social situations. This can make you feel insecure in your relationship, so you find yourself seeking reassurance from your partner. If he tells you that the world is rejecting you, you may find yourself being a little angrier in everyday interactions or a lot angrier towards yourself. Try to remember all the moments when your critical inner voice determines your behavior. In doing so, develop what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls a COAL (curious, open, accepting and loving) attitude towards yourself.
Step Five: Change Your Behavior
Once you've identified them, it's important to challenge the behaviors dictated by your inner critic in order to get what you want out of life. So, if your inner critic tells you to stay private or keep your mouth shut at a party, although it may seem uncomfortable at first, you must find a way to stop yourself from allowing such behavior. This will only make you feel ashamed or lonely. Even if you feel embarrassed at first or don't feel good about acting against your voice, remember to practice self-compassion. Using the voice will cause anxiety, and changing the behavior pattern may make the voice louder at first. However, the more actions you take against your inner critic, the more confident you will become. This voice will fade into the background over time.
If in this process you find yourself having thoughts like, “Yeah, right. My voices about me are right,” remember that almost everyone feels this way at some point. Most people feel like outcasts on some level. Challenging this exact feeling is what will lead you to what you want in life. This will allow you to shed the layers that are keeping you from feeling. Regardless of what your inner critic tells you or uses to reinforce its arguments that you are different or unworthy, you can find ways to access your power to calmly calm this destructive coaching and be persistent in moving your goals forward. Slowly but surely your inner critic will weaken. Your real self will become stronger, brighter, more known, understandable and accessible to the world around you.
Make new friends gradually
When we find ourselves in a new circle of people, we feel lonely. For example, at a new job or after moving to another city. In such situations, the relationships of others have already been established - it is easy to feel like an outsider.
Integrate into your new surroundings gradually. For example, invite one of your colleagues to have lunch together. But don't try to join the group right away. Contact the person who is most friendly.
Not everyone is ready to welcome you with open arms right away. Focus on those who show a willingness to step forward.
You're taking photos of your face too close
In 2012, scientists from California proposed R. Bryan, P. Perona, R. Adolphs. Perspective Distortion from Interpersonal Distance Is an Implicit Visual Cue for Social Judgments of Faces / PLoS ONE Have several subjects play an economic game. Trust was important: participants looked at the people in the photographs and decided how much money they would give them.
It turned out that players trusted those whose faces were filmed from a distance of 45 cm less. They were also considered less attractive and competent. According to researchers, the point here is that we perceive a photo taken so closely as an invasion of personal space.
Those surveyed rated much better those people whose faces were taken from a distance of 135 cm. Keep this in mind when you take a new photo for your avatar.
Spend more time with those who appreciate you
Surely you have at least a few people you can rely on in difficult times. Communicate with them more often. This will increase your self-esteem and restore self-confidence.
Strengthen your relationships with people who value you. This is healthier than worrying about those who rejected you.
And remember that the best way to make true friendships is to be sincere. Don't expect everyone to come to you. This attitude will not attract others to you at all.
You are too active on social networks
If you post a lot of photos, this can be annoying. This conclusion was reached by 1. D. Houghton, A. Joinson, N. Caldwell et al. Tagger's Delight? Disclosure and liking behavior on Facebook: the effects of sharing photographs amongst multiple known social circles 2. D. Houghton, A. Joinson, N. Caldwell et al. Photographic Disclosure in Facebook and Relational Intimacy with Others / Proceedings of the 51st Hawaii International Conference on System Sciences researchers from Birmingham Business School. They emphasize that most subscribers do not know you well enough, so they will not be interested in following your every move. Although the study was conducted only on the Facebook audience, its results are quite applicable to other social networks.
You have a complex first or last name
As unpleasant as it may sound, people may not only mock those with unpronounceable names, but also intuitively dislike SM Laham, P. Koval, AL Alter. The name‑pronunciation effect: Why people like Mr. Smith more than Mr. Colquhoun / Journal of Experimental Social Psychology them.
Scientists emphasize that names, in addition to communicating gender, ethnicity and origin, can influence lives. For example, it will be easier for a person with an easy-to-pronounce surname to advance in their career. This fact is worth taking into account, although, of course, it is not necessary to run to the passport office.
You hide your emotions
Researchers emphasize A. M. Tackman, S. Srivastava. Social responses to expressive suppression: The role of personality judgments / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, that such behavior serves as a signal to others that you either do not want to communicate or are simply not the most pleasant person.
This was confirmed by a recent experiment. Psychologists asked several people to watch funny and sad videos, and their reactions were filmed. Some were instructed to respond naturally, while others were instructed to suppress emotions. Then the scientists asked the students to rate the people in the video. Those who hid their feelings scored significantly lower.
You act too cheerful and optimistic
On the one hand, it seems obvious that no one likes gloomy people. Research confirms this. For example, smiling increases S. Centorrino, E. Djemai, A. Hopfensitz et al. Honest signaling in trust interactions: smiles rated as induce genuine trust and signal higher earning opportunities / Evolution and Human Behavior trust in a person speaks of his honesty.
On the other hand, others may be overly optimistic, such as openly expressing their own happiness A. Barasch, EE Levine, ME Schweitzer. Bliss is ignorance: How the magnitude of expressed happiness influences perceived naiveté and interpersonal exploitation / Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes is considered naivety, that is, the inability to adequately perceive the world. It is possible that the interlocutors will try to give biased advice to the “lucky ones” and exploit their weaknesses during negotiations.
You avoid eye contact
Some people like to make eye contact during a conversation, others don’t. But, as shown by 1. NA Murphy. Appearing Smart: The Impression Management of Intelligence, Person Perception Accuracy, and Behavior in Social Interaction / Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 2. RJ Larsen, TK Shackelford. Gaze avoidance: Personality and social judgments of people who avoid direct face‑to‑face contact / Personality and Individual Differences scientific research, maintaining eye contact is very important. With its help, people involuntarily try to find out more about the interlocutor.
Reluctance to contribute to this may seem like a sign that you are not entirely sincere, or even lying. This reduces your attractiveness in the eyes of the person you are communicating with. So try not to look away during important conversations.
