What is our “critical inner voice”?
This “critical inner voice” exists in all of us, constantly reminding us that we are not good enough and do not deserve what we want. In her book Yes Please, comedian Amy Poehler described this internal enemy as "the voice of the demon." She wrote: “This very patient and determined demon shows up in your bedroom one day and refuses to leave. You are six, twelve or fifteen, and you look in the mirror and hear a voice so terrible that it takes your breath away. He tells you that you are fat and ugly and don't deserve love. And the worst thing is that the demon is your own voice.”
The critical inner voice in some of us tends to be louder and angrier than in others, and tends to pester us more or less at different points in our lives. However, one thing is certain. As long as we listen to this dangerous critic distorting our reality, we cannot truly trust our own perception of what others think of us.
Most likely, it is this destructive “voice” that we hear every time we say to ourselves: “Nobody likes me.” This voice also teaches us to avoid situations where we might get to know people. It makes us shut up in social situations, makes us nervous, so we don't act like ourselves. It confuses us with its constant stream of self-deprecating observations and self-limiting advice, leaving us anxious and depressed. In turn, it takes us out of shape in a way that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
When we lose confidence or self-esteem, we no longer act like ourselves. We may even achieve the outcome that our critical inner voice warned us about, feeling isolated or having difficulty communicating with others. “Be quiet,” the voice barks. “You will only disgrace yourself! Can't you see how stupid you are? Nobody wants you around. You don't add anything. Just be alone! Stop trying. NOBODY LIKES YOU!”
Of course, the critical inner voice is not perceived as a real voice speaking to us. It can be a very subconscious and integral part of our thought process, making it difficult to recognize. Sometimes it acts as a thin, darkened filter through which we perceive the world. When someone doesn't look us in the eyes, they say, “See? He doesn't like you. He can tell there's something wrong with you." When a friend doesn't answer us right away, he says, “I wonder what she's thinking. Maybe she's mad at you. You were left out."
By the time the critical inner voice proves why we are such a failure or no one cares about us, we have lost touch with reality and blindly move forward, believing every negative thought about ourselves that voice told us. We are so quick to indulge his statements that we mistake them for our real point of view. This can make it very difficult to notice that this voice has seeped in, and even more difficult to separate its sadistic instructions from our true perceptions. So the best way to start combating your critical inner voice is to do two things: identify when it's active and understand where it's coming from.
Someone's inside, can you hear?
For a person with a sound vector (namely, people who are somehow interested in the meaning of life have it), a natural desire is to know the deep meanings, the root causes of events. He consciously wants to understand who he is, why and where he is going. There are about 5% of such special people with a special psyche.
Without receiving answers to these questions and proper realization of his properties, the sound engineer completely loses interest in ordinary human joys, which are not in his first place anyway.
Material desires are generally “out of focus” for them - they need something more. Or, as my grandmother used to say, some kind of “goddam.”
The potential of the abstract intelligence of a sound engineer is enormous. It is created for learning deep meanings. And daily needs pale in comparison with this desire.
Not finding meaning, the sound artist withdraws into his own world, and he gets the impression of his own uniqueness and loneliness. It seems that no one can understand him intellectually. He isolates himself from other people, from what he considers uninteresting. That is, meaningless.
Where does the “voice” come from that “nobody likes me”?
The critical inner voice begins to form very early in our lives. It builds on any hurtful negativity we were exposed to as children, especially from serious caregivers. For example, if a parent viewed us as lazy, helpless, or troublemakers, we tend to internalize these attitudes on an unconscious level throughout our lives. We also tend to be influenced by how our parents felt about themselves: if they were socially awkward or had low self-esteem, we adopt some of their self-critical perceptions as our own. Add to this the many other social experiences we have had where we felt humiliated, ashamed or rejected (a teacher who humiliated us in front of class, a bully at school who humiliated us every day) and we can see how our inner critic.
Come to the surface
And we, as a rule, live in the direction set by our parents and society, locking ourselves into false attitudes and other people’s desires. Life goes on as usual. You need to earn a living, go to work that does not bring satisfaction. In general, pretend to be a “decent citizen”, and your head lives its own life. The gaping hole of misunderstanding of one's place in this world is growing.
Trying to somehow dilute the boring flow of life, sound people get carried away by all sorts of esoteric trends and teachings. But this also does not bring any satisfaction, much less an answer to questions - only slight relief for a short period of time. And now the question about the meaning of life is knocking on the door again.
Knowledge of system-vector psychology can become a coordinate system for a person with a sound vector to find his place among other people. Systems thinking reveals the meanings that he is looking for, returning the sound artist to the world of people, only among whom he can find his realization.
When sound engineers get the very answer to their main question “why is all this for?” When they begin to understand the hidden motives of other people, understand their internal properties and desires, they have the ability to realize themselves in modern society, according to their mental properties. Therefore, after realizing these things, people for a sound artist become not an empty, faceless something, but the very thread that will connect him with reality. It is precisely the tool that will finally allow him to realize the essence of things hidden from him.
Thousands of people have already received their results. Read and watch reviews from people who have mastered systems thinking. Their loneliness is a thing of the past:
You can endlessly hide from people, feeling the meaninglessness of existence, or you can come out of inner pain and become able to realize yourself in this world. This is already possible in free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register using the link.
Author Yulia Ulzhaeva
The article was written using materials from online training on System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan
How to deal with isolation and loneliness
The critical inner voice greatly influences feelings of isolation, loneliness and social anxiety. As Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote in her article, “Ending Loneliness.” “It’s helpful to realize that loneliness is very much a state of mind, and unfortunately, that mind is essentially lying to us.” Loneliness is not necessarily a problem; it is a filter of seeing yourself as lonely that needs to be challenged. People who feel lonely tend to see the world differently. There are even certain structural and biochemical differences in the brain of a lonely person. Some of the psychological effects of feeling lonely include focusing on exclusion instead of inclusion. In other words, we are more likely to notice one time when someone doesn't invite us than five times before. Another effect is timidity. We may act timid with others, making it difficult to have clear or relaxed exchanges that lead to positive social outcomes.
Finally, loneliness can lead to misremembering. So, when we think back on our days, we may distort what people told us or how interactions happened in ways that perpetuate the perception of ourselves as isolated.
As loneliness researcher Dr. John T. Cacioppo said: “Lonely people are more likely to construe their world as threatening, hold more negative expectations, and interpret and respond to ambiguous social behavior in a more negative, aversive way, thereby confirming their perception of the world as threatening.” and not subject to them." Once again, this creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we begin to perceive the world as threatening or unaccepting, we are more likely to act in ways that alienate or alienate others. So, once again, to challenge our loneliness, we must challenge the negative filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We must accept our critical inner voice.
Strange torments of a strange man
It’s strange, how can you be so interested in some Petka? Who cares what he thinks about you? Does this really make sense?
And next time I don’t even want to leave the house, so as not to hear this nonsense and stupidity uttered by the people with whom I have to communicate.
Of course, I understood that this probably shouldn’t be the case. I looked at my friends and colleagues - how they chirped about their problems, cried, cursed - and did not understand how anyone could be interested in such nonsense? Is this really all people need?
All these questions were fully answered by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.
Overcoming the Critical Inner Voice
Once we honestly admit that we are coming from this inner critic, we can begin to separate it from our real point of view. We may notice times when it seeps in and interferes with the filter through which we see ourselves and the world around us. We can then recognize how this destructive thought process affects our actions. How does my inner critic actually change my behavior?
There are five important steps to overcoming this inner critic. These steps include a method developed by psychologist and author of Master Your Critical Inner Voice, Dr. Robert Firestone, known as voice therapy.
Step One: Find Out What Your Inner Critic Is Telling You
Start to notice when your thought process changes and your inner critic begins to invade your mind. Maybe you're on a date and it starts with, “She doesn't even like you. Why are you wasting your time? You might be in a meeting and when you finally speak, you have this thought: “You're not making any sense. Everyone is looking at you. They want you to just shut up." It is important to understand what situations trigger your critical inner voice and what that voice tells you in those moments.
As an exercise, write down your critical inner voices as “I” statements, such as: “I’m so boring. Nobody likes me". Then, next to these voices, write down thoughts in the form of “you” statements. “You're so boring. Nobody likes you." This actually helps you begin to compartmentalize and see the voice as the enemy rather than yourself.
Step 2. Think about where this critical attitude comes from.
When people record or speak their voices out loud, they sometimes understand where these evil thoughts come from. Many people even begin to imagine that the voice is coming from someone in their life, such as their parents, who were always worried that they would never make friends. Identifying where your voices were originally formed can help you practice self-compassion and differentiate these old relationships from your current reality.
Step Three: Return to Your Critical Inner Voice
This may seem difficult, and this step is often the hardest for people, but it is important that you stand up for yourself. Voice or record a response to your critical inner voice. You should strive to see your good friend from the perspective you would like to have. Write down a more compassionate and realistic response to your vocal attack, once again as an “I” statement. “I'm not boring. I am a unique and worthy person who deserves friendship. I have many qualities that many people will appreciate and love." Don't listen to the undermining criticism that comes up when you do this exercise. As Amy Poehler said, “Standing up for ourselves as well as standing up for one of our friends is a difficult but rewarding thing. Sometimes it works. Even demons need sleep.
Step Four: Think About How Your Voice Influences Your Actions
As you get to know your voices, you will become better able to recognize when they appear. You can actively try to distract yourself and begin to notice how this voice affects your behavior. This may tell you that you are too shy to make friends, so you avoid social situations. This can make you feel insecure in your relationship, so you find yourself seeking reassurance from your partner. If he tells you that the world is rejecting you, you may find yourself being a little angrier in everyday interactions or a lot angrier towards yourself. Try to remember all the moments when your critical inner voice determines your behavior. In doing so, develop what Dr. Daniel Siegel calls a COAL (curious, open, accepting and loving) attitude towards yourself.
Step Five: Change Your Behavior
Once you've identified them, it's important to challenge the behaviors dictated by your inner critic in order to get what you want out of life. So, if your inner critic tells you to stay private or keep your mouth shut at a party, although it may seem uncomfortable at first, you must find a way to stop yourself from allowing such behavior. This will only make you feel ashamed or lonely. Even if you feel embarrassed at first or don't feel good about acting against your voice, remember to practice self-compassion. Using the voice will cause anxiety, and changing the behavior pattern may make the voice louder at first. However, the more actions you take against your inner critic, the more confident you will become. This voice will fade into the background over time.
If in this process you find yourself having thoughts like, “Yeah, right. My voices about me are right,” remember that almost everyone feels this way at some point. Most people feel like outcasts on some level. Challenging this exact feeling is what will lead you to what you want in life. This will allow you to shed the layers that are keeping you from feeling. Regardless of what your inner critic tells you or uses to reinforce its arguments that you are different or unworthy, you can find ways to access your power to calmly calm this destructive coaching and be persistent in moving your goals forward. Slowly but surely your inner critic will weaken. Your real self will become stronger, brighter, more known, understandable and accessible to the world around you.
Requests for help Write your story Hello. I'm 19. I don't want to live. There is no point in continuing anything. I feel very bad at heart. I'm tired and I hate myself. I’ve already cut my hands slightly, I can’t go deeper... I don’t have enough courage. I feel like a failure compared to my peers. Previously, 4 years ago I had friends, but then I had to move to another city and change school, I didn’t find any friends there. No matter how hard I tried, they didn’t make contact and that’s it. I remember my thoughts at that moment: “What’s wrong with me? Why is that?". I also didn’t give in to the “class elite” in one situation and they turned everyone against me, I was insulted because I was thin. I went to the gym, made a figure, I’m already studying at university, but I have no friends. It seems like I’m communicating, but no one wants to get closer. Probably 4 years without communicating with friends did their job. I look at the Instagram of my peers and envy them, because they have friends, love... Everything a girl can dream about. And I don't even have a boyfriend. They meet, but not the same ones. I haven’t met my man yet, I doubt that I will ever meet her. I’m depressed, I really want happiness, but I don’t have it. I'm disappointed in myself. Maybe I’ve changed in such a terrible way, I’m not like other people, there’s nothing in me. I'm tired of a life in which nothing makes me happy... I don't even have friends, well, just no one. No one is interested in me. It's hard to realize this. My hobbies include the gym, and I don’t even have anyone to go for a walk with. And what kind of life is this? You look at your peers and you understand how flawed you are compared to them... I absolutely don’t believe in myself and my strengths
Anya, age: 19/05/19/2019
Responses:
Hello. You don’t need to compare yourself with someone, you are a person, an individual, with your own opinions, views, principles, you shouldn’t believe pictures on social networks, often it’s just a wrapper, but inside there are also problems, difficulties, and complexes. Believe me, relationships do not always bring unconditional happiness, yet it is not only walks in the moonlight, romance, relationships are more like work, work to maintain, preserve them, a lot depends on the woman, you need to understand your partner, be ready to give in, forgive, endure, take care, etc. So don’t rush, Anyuta. While you are not burdened with a husband, take care of yourself with children. Hobbies, interests, development, study, work. You never know what to do for such a young girl. In addition to exercise, cooking, knitting, drawing, photography, foreign languages, literature, reading, crafts, etc. You can look for friends on normal dating sites, for example Orthodox ones. On the Internet you can find good groups, sports, volunteer, and also communicate. Cheer up! I wish you success!
Irina, age: 31 / 05/20/2019
There are no friends, no accomplices. Maybe it’s for the better. If God didn’t give you what you wanted, then he will give you something better, but later. Meet on the Internet or on a dating site. Perhaps where you are looking for them, these are the wrong people. just keep your head up and respect yourself. don’t chase love, friends, everything has its time. Everything will be fine, you still have your whole life ahead❤
Alexandra, age: 16/05/20/2019
Anyutka, you are a very purposeful girl. I set a goal and took up sports. Tell me, do you continue to play sports now? Sport helps get rid of sad thoughts, lifts your mood, and gives pleasant physical fatigue. Now, during the warm season, you can organize yourself for daily morning jogging. Don't doubt it, you're good! I just haven’t met my people yet. The main thing is, don’t close yourself off from the world, you will definitely meet like-minded friends. This difficult time of loneliness will pass. I didn’t really have like-minded people at university either. But after graduation, I started volunteering, met a lot of amazing, kind people, and made many friends. Despite the fact that I have now moved to another city, my soul feels warm because they are in the world, in touch with them. It’s better, instead of empty browsing through Instagram pages, read interesting books, get carried away with handicrafts, there are so many interesting things in the world. I recently saw it on a billboard: don’t like it, do it. But it’s true, only this will bring satisfaction. Fill your life with joy, good deeds, good songs with meaning. You'll see everything will be fine!
Masha, age: 29/05/20/2019
Hello Anya! I really sympathize with you. Just don't despair. I understand that it is very difficult for you now, but we are not given tests beyond our strength. Nowadays there are many lonely people and it is difficult to look for friends and a soul mate. So don’t beat yourself up, you’re not the only one with this problem. If in reality people don’t make contact, meet someone on the Internet. You will still be able to communicate with someone if you take the initiative. You should not envy others, everyone has their own path and their own problems, which may not be noticeable to others. The problem is that we have forgotten how to enjoy the little things. Now people have everything, but for some reason joy is rare. But if you think about it, the very fact that you have food on the table, a home, a family, all kinds of amenities, beautiful nature outside your window can be a reason for joy and gratitude. And the fact that you can see and hear this world, but someone else cannot. Try to look at your life differently, look for reasons for joy every day. After all, girlfriends and boyfriends can bring not only joy, but also problems, but you don’t have that now. But I think that you will still meet “your” people, just don’t lose hope. I think you need to work on self-acceptance, since you don’t believe in yourself. If you were born, it means you already have the meaning of life) Many people need you people in this world) Helping other people is a good remedy for depression) If you want, you can also write to a psychologist online) And you can also ask the Lord for help) God created you as a wonderful person, He loves you very much and will never leave you) Ask Him for help more often and you will feel better) God is always with you) I wish you the meaning of life, more patience and strength, good relationships in the family, success in studies, good health, always a good mood, happiness, more love, joy and peace in life and all the best! Hold on, God will help you! Guardian Angel to you! Warm hugs, you are not alone! Try going to church, people find solace there)
Anastasia, age: 20 / 05/20/2019
Anya, you shouldn’t draw conclusions about people’s lives based on the content of their social networks. As a rule, only achievements (and often exaggerated ones) are shared there. In general, try not to evaluate your “success” against the background of others. Everyone has their own path, and everyone has their own idea of success. You can compare yourself with yourself in the past: for example, before you didn’t have a very good figure, but now you have corrected it (I’m sure many would envy your discipline!); You entered the university and are successfully studying, you had to work hard for this, now you can do much more than before. Look for some volunteer projects, do something useful and make friends with interesting, active people. Do not despair. Take care of yourself, there are still many, many good things ahead.
Olga, age: 30 / 05/20/2019
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How to fix it?
First of all, you need to get rid of unpleasant people whom you cannot stand. Reduce communication with them or openly show your hostility if there is no way to get rid of them.
If there are people around you who have suddenly stopped respecting you, but you want to maintain communication with them. Then talk to them face to face and try to find out why this happened. Remember that every person can demand respect. But in this case, treat other people with respect.
