Why doesn't the man he loves understand when a woman needs support?

The article explains:

1. 6 main reasons why a man doesn’t help solve problems
2. Explanation of male passivity from a psychological point of view
3. 8 recommendations on how to teach a man to help in difficult situations
4. Or maybe women are to blame for everything?

Recently, representatives of the fairer sex are increasingly complaining that men close to them do not help solve problems. Moreover, problems in the mouths of women can mean anything: from banal help with housework to support in financial matters.

There is some truth in these complaints, and a very significant one. Men have become much less active in this regard than before. Therefore, their friends have only two options: to do everything themselves or to convince their partner to provide all possible assistance in resolving this or that issue. The second is, of course, preferable.

When a man has problems

Men and women experience stress and troubles differently.

When a man has problems, he needs to be alone and silent , and he “goes” into the so-called “cave”. Only silently can a man sort everything out in his head and make the right decision. In this state, he can remain silent for an hour or two, or even all day .

Ask yourself if it is fair to demand your loved one's support in everything

Before you sit down and express your complaints to the guy, try to assess how justified they are.

It all depends on what exactly you understand by support in a relationship. Do you want your loved one to have a positive attitude towards your dreams? showed care on difficult days for you; more often he took your side rather than pointing out your shortcomings - these are completely fair expectations.

When you enter into a relationship, you hope that the young man will complement you intellectually, emotionally and physically. Believe in you, be proud of your achievements, reinforce self-esteem, not destroy.

But wanting to be supported and demanding that people agree with you on everything are two different things. A loved one may have his own point of view and the right to communicate it. Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you have different views on some things. Expecting the man you love to satisfy all your emotional needs is a manifestation of love parasitism. In addition, it is difficult to remain honest with a person in a relationship if only approval is expected from you.

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Read on topic:Checklist: 6 signs that you are a love parasite

How to support from a distance

It is more difficult to support a man who is far away than one who is nearby. You won't be able to hug or distract a person. After all, even one smile says more than words.

You can support from a distance in the following ways:

1. Stay in touch more often. To do this, use Skype, email, social networks, phone.
2. Take an interest in the man’s condition and send him supportive messages.
3. Be present in a person's life as often as possible. Voice messages, video calls, and photos will help with this.

If a man is reluctant to make contact, it is better to leave him alone. Under no circumstances should sarcasm or cruel jokes be allowed. This will alienate your loved one.

How to talk to him about how you feel

The rule of any unpleasant conversation is to be positive. It is likely that your loved one did not even know that he was offending you, and did it unconsciously.

Focus on how you want your partner to behave, and not on the mistakes he is making now. If you start with accusations, he will close down, take a defensive position, and dialogue will not work.

Try not to speak in general phrases, but to explain with specific examples. Think back to recent situations in which you needed his support and describe how you felt at that moment.

Don’t say “you have to”; rather, tell him why it’s important for you to feel his support and opinion.

Also, ask if he feels like he can rely on you in a difficult situation. It is possible that the guy also does not see you as an ally, so he is in no hurry to show understanding. If it's mutual, your relationship may be lacking emotional intimacy and that's something you need to work on.

Useful tips and tricks

Here are some more important tips to help you properly support your loved one:

1. It is important to look at the man’s response and focus on it.
2. If your partner is wrong or behaves inappropriately, there is no need to tell him that he is bad. Gently hint this to him.
3. Pity should not be confused with sympathy. You shouldn't cooze with an older man. Recognize that it will take a lot of effort to solve the problem.
4. If a man was warned about a possible development of events, there is no need to remind him of this.
5. Let the person know that they are accepted for who they are.
6. Control your emotions during a conversation. The man may reveal new unpleasant details of the case. Therefore, you should not lose your temper and become more upset than your partner. Periodically, ladies immediately panic and start shouting: “This is terrible! How will we live further? This should not be done under any circumstances.
7. A wise woman will not criticize the shortcomings of her chosen one. She will highlight his advantages and protect him from making the wrong decision.
8. You can offer your partner a back massage, so he can relieve tension and feel supported.
9. It's worth preparing a delicious dinner or having a romantic evening. The man will be pleasantly surprised.
10. Don't show your fear if something happens. Speak confidently and calmly.

Remember that a man draws energy from his woman. She, in turn, receives it from nature.

How you can and cannot support a man

Can:

• give sensitive advice;
• show trust;
• remind you of achievements and past successes;
• joke politely;
• look into the eyes;
• hug (spouse, boyfriend, father).

It is forbidden:

• demand revelations;
• devalue another person's feelings;
• blame;
• impose help;
• bore with conversations;
• tell everyone about the problem;
• enter personal space unnecessarily;
• overdo it with care;
• call;
• interrupt;
• regret;
• give advice until asked;
• immediately run to solve the man’s problems;
• to be angry because of a man's sad mood;
• give expensive gifts to reassure.

It is important to be understanding of the situation. Gloominess and gloominess are quite understandable; there is no need to be offended by such behavior or “add fuel to the fire.”

Why can't you get help from a man?

“The women's world is a world of cooperation and empathy. It is natural for women to offer their help, give gifts, pay attention, and share emotions. But in the men's world the laws are completely different. This is a world of competition, struggle and survival. Therefore, many things that are obvious to women are absolutely incomprehensible to men,” says the specialist.

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What annoys men and women in relationships

Men never offer to help each other because it is tantamount to insult. This means that one of them does not believe that the other is able to cope with his task on his own. From childhood, boys are taught to deal with problems on their own, and not to look for someone to ask for help.

A man turns to her only when he is finally and irrevocably convinced that he cannot cope on his own. Therefore, he thinks: “If she didn’t ask me, then she can handle it herself. If I offer to help her, I will offend her with doubts that she is capable of doing this.”

“Women are often afraid of rejection. And instead of simply asking for help, using their softness and feminine weakness, they remain silent. They wait for the man to figure it out on his own, and then they begin to reproach him: “Didn’t you see that I needed help?!” “I saw it, but you didn’t ask.” “Is it really impossible to help just like that, and I have to persuade you every time?!” You don't need any persuasion, but make it clear that you need specific help at a particular time. A proud approach in the spirit of “Here we go!” “He has to guess it himself” will lead to nothing,” warns Shakhov.

The psychologist is convinced that strong relationships are built when both partners make efforts to understand each other. If a woman does not want to understand male nature, if she does not agree to take the first step, then her partner will not take it either. And if she does try to understand him, then over time he will respond in kind.

In fact, men don't mind helping their women. But they stop doing this because their efforts are often devalued. I want to help someone who will be grateful. And if a woman reacts to help like a port loader, the man comes to the conclusion that she is not weak at all, and “let her do it herself.”

How to teach a man to help you?

Alexander Shakhov offers specific instructions for getting help from a man:

1. Ask. They help those who need it, who are weak. If you don’t ask, it means you are not weak and you don’t need help. If asking is embarrassing, scary, difficult, increase your self-esteem.
2. Explain. The man is not a psychic. He doesn't know what kind of help you need. Tell clearly and distinctly what needs to be done, when and how. Don't feed him hints with the hope that he will understand. Give him precise instructions.
3. Get interested. Don’t think that a man simply “owes” you and is ready to fly to help you at any moment. Learn the art of motivating men and put it into practice.
4. Give thanks. It is very important. Whatever a man does, no matter how he copes, thank him for his effort, initiative, and willingness to help. Otherwise, the desire to come to your aid will disappear. If he did something wrong, direct him in the right direction, but very tactfully and affectionately.

“A woman’s affection and tenderness are weapons that can pacify even a wild tiger or a mad elephant. And even more so for a man,” says the specialist.

Affection includes:

1. Inner peace. If a woman is anxious or dissatisfied, her anxiety will manifest itself in everything and she will not be able to be affectionate.
2. Words, intonations, facial expressions, poses. A woman who has mastered the art of affection does not use obscene language. In addition, the same phrase can be pronounced in such a way that it will be the sweetest caress, or it can be pronounced in such a way that it will turn out to be the most caustic sarcasm. You need to choose the first option. Smooth movements and soft intonations help you remain affectionate even when a woman scolds her partner. Like a cat that periodically releases its claws.

Affectionateness, according to the psychologist, is an exceptional feminine quality, which is opposed to masculine firmness, severity, and inflexibility. There is something of his mother in him, because every strong man sometimes needs to be supported, reassured, and pitied. “Tender wife” is the best praise from a man to his chosen one.

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Devaluation of experiences

If an upset woman constantly receives in response the phrases: “don’t worry”, “this is nonsense” - this is a sure sign that in a difficult situation it is better for her not to count on her chosen one. To such a person, other people's experiences will never seem like something serious.

Almost all people sometimes sin like this. Sometimes you just can’t put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand why your interlocutor is crying because they were rude to him in public transport or were given the wrong change in a store. But when a husband systematically devalues ​​his wife’s problems, there is little good.

Divorce or second honeymoon?

System-vector psychology training by Yuri Burlan will help you understand the reasons for your husband’s behavior, see him as you may have never known him, and establish relationships with him in order to jointly build your happiness together. When he feels trust and faith in you, understanding, and not condemnation, he will not only find a job (if he is mentally healthy), but will also do everything to please the woman he loves.

And even if you decide to divorce, you will clearly understand how you should live further, how to make the separation the least painful for both of you. Understanding the laws by which relationships are built in a couple will help you avoid repeating negative relationship experiences in the future. You can get your first insights already at the free online training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan

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Author of the publication: Ksenia Voitkovskaya, doctor
The article was written based on materials from the training “System-vector psychology”