Nobody needs me: how to cope with feelings of loneliness

Often, “single” means someone who doesn’t have a partner. But without a relationship, it is quite possible not to feel lonely. This concept should not be confused with solitude. The latter is just a way to take a break from communication, devote time to your own affairs, hobbies, and be alone with yourself. At any moment you can get out of this state and turn to someone you care about.

Real loneliness is a painful feeling: you have no one to talk to about what worries you; no one in the whole world seems to be able to understand; lack of recognition and approval. The number of acquaintances does not affect this feeling in any way - the presence of trusting close relationships is more important. But you just can’t establish an emotional connection with people from your environment.

What to do if this, to put it mildly, unpleasant feeling overtakes you?

Take a closer look at your surroundings and find your “pack.” It may turn out that the team in which you spend most of your time simply does not suit you: no one shares your interests, no one to talk to heart to heart, no one to ask for advice. Do you recognize yourself? Then it's time to take matters into your own hands. Try to make new acquaintances with those with whom you have similar hobbies. This way there is a greater chance of matching both in values ​​and ideals, and in the end becoming truly good friends.

What to do if no one needs you?

There is a stereotype that “we only need ourselves and our parents who really love us.” People are so afraid to be alone with their thoughts and character, so they begin to feel internal discomfort

Telling the news, pouring out your feelings, being close by - it is important for us to feel needed. Longing for the past is what hinders the path of new development

Constant searches for reasons and imposition of blame create the basis for a global problem. In reality, it simply does not exist! After a breakup, guys feel at the peak of freedom for some time, but after a short time they plunge into negative thoughts. Complexity, bad habits, lack of incentives to develop - all this completely closes the door to a better future. The brain is designed to constantly reproduce the experienced fragment of time and attach specific meaning to it.

I lost myself or how to avoid the symptoms of disappointment:

Don't engage in self-flagellation.

It occurs when a man is idle. The feeling of boredom can be destroyed by important tasks that are needed to achieve your goals. In general, goals are a useful thing. They keep the body and mind in good shape, not allowing any prejudices to penetrate into the most intimate.

Positive thinking.

Without it you will neither reap the harvest nor succeed in any business.

It is important to strive to see the world from the angle “I believe in good things, I will do everything to get out of this state”

Become more open.

Often the problem of loneliness is a man’s reluctance to make contact with others. Girls rarely come up and introduce themselves, so your colleagues may be on their own wavelength and will not devote time to you. Communication and self-confidence are the main skills that others value. The result may be surprising - people will immediately gravitate towards such a person.

Work on your external image.

Clothing style, physical characteristics, gestures, neatness - this is the “face” of a person that presents him in society. Who needs me if I don’t take care of myself, I’m always sloppy and slouched? A representative of the stronger sex will be the life of any company if he watches his speech, looks neat, wears things in good condition, and takes care of hygiene. Maybe this is where the problem of loneliness and denial of you in society lies hidden.

Be true to yourself.

If a man avoids responsibility and does not take on any business, does not want to see his shortcomings, or fight bad habits, a feeling of discomfort will constantly accompany him. People around them love reliable individuals who are responsible for their words.

Accept your mistakes.

Egocentrism and pride do not allow one to be flexible in society, which is why difficulties often arise. Agreeing that “I was wrong, I should have done it differently” is the best way to mutual understanding. Easy relationships, where everyone takes part in solving certain problems, will help maintain long-term contacts with a person.

How to get rid of the thought “I have lost myself”? Don’t assume that the world doesn’t care about you and start meeting opportunities. Have your friends called for a long time? Why not invite them to the cinema and get together in a cafe! Are there long-standing conflicts with a girl due to the fault of a man? It is worth understanding where he is wrong and apologizing, showing understanding and feelings for your partner.

The more empathy and determination a person has, the easier it is to achieve mutual understanding with others. If the guard doesn’t notice you at the entrance, this is not a sign to panic! Those to whom you made a card and brought a cake didn’t wish you a happy birthday? The joys of life should not stop there, and with them, relationships with these people

It is important to maintain your dignity and perceive reality more sensibly

We hope that the information helped to get rid of the thought “nobody needs me” at least a little. A real man is one who does not question his character and remains steadfast no matter what. You will definitely achieve success in your favorite business, relationships, with family and friends if you act with awareness. The surrounding reality is not so bad - there is a place for calm in it.

Am I to blame for the fact that she doesn't love me?

It is natural for a child to blame himself, and this is understandable. After all, our parents are older, taller, they know more and are the undisputed authorities in the small world of our childhood. Therefore, there must be something we have done wrong that makes us unloved.

The child is pushed to this conclusion by what he hears about himself from his mother: that he is difficult or disobedient, stupid or lazy, and simply not good enough.

Self-recrimination can haunt us long after childhood is behind us, especially when there are sisters or brothers whom the mother obviously loves.

Self-blame maintains an internal acceptance of abuse: we believe that it is simply the norm in our family, and most likely in most other families—until we discover that it is not—and we deny that it is abusive or traumatic.

In addition, self-recrimination is also fueled by shame sitting deep inside: we are ashamed of our shortcomings and, of course, of being unloved in a world where every mother loves her child.

Blaming oneself, as well as denying the abuse, appears to be a better alternative for many, according to some research. Paradoxical but true! A number of studies have found significant differences between victims' assessments of acts as cruel and the scientific definition of abuse.

For example, in a large 1994 survey of 11,600 college students, only 26% of respondents who had experienced severe physical punishment or mistreatment (some even requiring medical attention!) were likely to consider it cruelty. But how is it possible for a person to suffer from abuse, especially from a parent, and not want to openly call a spade a spade?

Rachel Goldsmith and Jennifer Freud set out to answer this question. Their study was designed to find out whether people who have been physically, sexually or emotionally abused have problems recognizing their feelings.

The answer, not surprisingly, was positive. It also turned out that victims of emotional abuse, as defined by researchers, rarely call their treatment cruel. How can this be explained?

Scientists point to the fact that because children are essentially confined to their home, they find ways to adapt to a hostile environment.

Their strategies include denial and dissociation: keeping threatening information out of the mind makes it easier to cope with everyday stress, but later it interferes with the understanding of what happened.

Might be interesting

What is “torturous intimacy” and how can children and parents stop being a burden to each other?

Should we forgive our parents and should we love them?

Obviously, this discovery applies to you too, and goes a long way toward explaining why you deny and are slow to acknowledge abuse from your mother or another person. Even more valuable, however, are the scientists' findings about why children tend to explain abuse by saying that they are "bad."

Self-blame, the researchers write, “blocks the idea that the adult caregiver cannot be trusted and provides the illusion of self-control.” Again, what could be worse than realizing that it is unsafe for you to be around the very person who is entrusted with taking care of you? This explains why victims of abuse prefer to blame themselves for everything - it's less scary and there is hope that you can make things right.

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No one will ask you not to quit halfway

No matter what activity we are talking about. No one will try to persuade you, because this is not someone else’s business, but yours. Making an effort to change your mind means taking responsibility. Subconsciously or consciously, people do not want to take such a burden on their shoulders. Everyone has their own worries, you know. So don’t wait for someone to come and give you advice—act your own way. Or do nothing.

We spend too much time on such empty expectations. All this is dictated by uncertainty, a thirst for confirmation of our thoughts from the outside. In such situations, one simple thought will help: if you make up your mind, don’t doubt it, and if you doubt it, don’t make up your mind. These words should not be used everywhere. Sometimes you need to act in spite of doubts.

Loneliness. This is a familiar feeling for all of us.

It can develop into a fear of loneliness, which, in turn, can turn into avoidance of loneliness. And then you end up sending 1,000 messages a day, drowning out your feelings with alcohol or video games, or talking to people you don't even know. This is due to the fact that you do not want to be left alone with yourself, even for a few minutes. Or maybe you do the opposite - lock yourself in your room and completely ignore the world to avoid connecting with people.

When you feel lonely, it is almost impossible to get out of the vicious circle, because you are... alone.

The proverb says:

“The heart knows its own misfortune, and a stranger will not share its joy.”

(Proverbs of Solomon 14:10)

Each of us is fundamentally physically and psychologically separate from all other people, and although we may understand each other to a certain extent, we will still feel this separation. No one fully understands what it’s like to be you. No matter how you react to it, loneliness can be a big, painful problem for anyone.

Where does this pattern of behavior come from?

Unfortunately, now parents are forced to work a lot and do not always pay the necessary attention to their child. The baby may feel unnecessary even then, not being able to just talk or hug with someone close to her.

And this can greatly influence both the self-esteem of the future woman and develop certain protective mechanisms. One of which is the mentioned variant of sacrifice in a relationship, when a girl, and then an adult representative of the fair sex, bends over backwards, as if wanting to establish herself: “look how good I am, I’m worth loving.”

Such persistent disappointments are hidden too well by our subconscious. After all, such sensations are traumatic, and therefore subject to destruction. But cognitive rethinking and destruction does not eliminate emotional traces at all. This is why such things should be worked through with a psychologist. After all, he will be the one who will be able to bring it to something more than just rational: “I’m not angry with my parents.” He will be able to bring back a little girl who will “talk” and understand her parents. And most importantly, she realizes that the point is not that they didn’t need her, but that objective reasons prevented her relatives from devoting more time to her.

Why doesn't my mother love me?

This question is like a weed with long and tenacious roots.
It is especially dangerous because you believe that if you can find a definite answer, you will be able to change what does not allow you to love, no matter what it is. Chances are, you, like me and every other little girl in this world, have believed in the mother myth that all mothers love their children. So just asking this question creates fear and shame.

If only I could find the answer! Then, perhaps, everything will change, and the mother will turn into one of those mothers who, in a fit of tenderness, ruffles their daughters’ hair, always smiles at them and looks into their eyes. This is the dream of all abandoned, neglected girls.

The problem is that any answer you can find always contains only a grain of truth. To begin with, you're probably thinking: the whole point is that you're nothing like your big sister, whom your mom obviously loves, but no matter how hard you try to be just like her, you remain itself and nothing changes.

At another moment, it dawns on you that everything will change with your success and popularity, and now you’re already studying with straight A’s and playing the main role in a school theater production, but this doesn’t help either. Or, on the contrary, you go to great lengths with the idea that any attention is better than ignoring and neglect.

Finally, as an adult, you reevaluate your mother's emotional history and decide that it would be best to treat her with empathy and compassion, but then you discover that you have become even more vulnerable because you have lost your guard, and you realize that the pain caused by rejection and her constant attacks on you is as excruciating as ever, and your empathy does not stop her from trying to trample you into the dirt.

There are any number of possible explanations, and none of them matter. The truth is that it's all about her, not you. And it was always only in her.

As a child, I often asked my mother if she loved me. She gave an evasive and, as I already understood then, a false answer: “Every mother loves her child.” However, she never responded with the three simple words I was waiting for. (To be precise, I expected four words because my mother always spoke Dutch to me, but that's not the point.)

I always believed that my mother avoided this question in order to protect me and not destroy me with a sincere answer. It wasn't until I wrote Bad Mothers that I realized she was doing this to protect herself from the shame of answering honestly.

It is a deep shame, perhaps the deepest shame except for the shame of killing a mother, father or child, to admit that you do not love the creature you carried and gave birth to or, in the case of adoption, vowed to love and protect as your own child. An additional source of shame is admitting that you don’t even like your child—and my mother didn’t like me.

By continuing to ask this question, you remain tied to the carousel and force yourself to look for less and less realistic answers and reasons. It controls your relationship with your mother (and other family members), forces you to continue the dance of denial, reinforces the underlying conflict, feeds false hopes in you and, most importantly, undermines all attempts to heal.

Oddly enough, when you stop asking yourself this question, you will feel sad at first. Why? Because by closing it to yourself, you will give up the hope that one day a miracle will happen and, with the wave of a magic wand, everything bad will disappear.

You were hoping that this miracle would happen because of the right answer, and giving up the search for it is painful, but this emotional pain must be endured. Seek professional help and support if you find it too difficult to cope on your own.

As long as you continue to ask yourself this question, you yourself remain the main obstacle to healing. This is the brutal truth.

Being needed by someone: pros and cons

In order to get rid of the feeling of your own uselessness, it is important to dissuade yourself of this, which means becoming needed by someone. Or maybe we should leave everything as it is? What are the advantages and disadvantages of overcoming the uselessness complex?

Advantages Disadvantages Understanding that close people, friends, and colleagues need you, relieves a person of the feeling of his own insignificance. He begins to value life and his health more, without taking unnecessary risks, thinking about the consequences of his actions: what if they bring trouble to those who care about you? Understanding that you are necessary for someone requires special care and delicacy. It's good if the feelings are mutual

And if not? How to get out of the situation without cutting off oxygen to the person who needs you? What if it breaks? It is very important to weaken this one-way connection with the least possible losses. The feeling of being needed helps each of us to overcome difficulties, set goals, and achieve them. In other words, a person perceives his life as something that does not belong only to him, feels responsible to those who support him, and tries to be on top so as not to let him down. A person cannot afford to take big risks (and sometimes he really wants to)

Every step will have to be taken with an eye on those who are worried, caring, waiting, and bored. Sometimes, why not, excessive care is annoying. You have to come to terms with this. The life of a person who knows that he is not indifferent to his other half, parents, children, friends, is filled with meaning. He knows that it is not in vain that he lives on this earth. This gives him powerful emotional support and supports him in difficult times. Knowing that his family and friends need him, a person should forget about the feeling of absolute freedom. Responsibility to loved ones and caring for them does not allow you to live as you please, take risks, or neglect your health.

Loneliness as a fact

Do you remain alone, as if you avoid others? Do you often see your friends? It’s good if there are still excellent comrades. Nobody invites you to visit. Or maybe everyone is already tired of it, ruined all relationships. Or simply the society in which a person finds himself has different views, and he is not at ease and therefore is forced to maintain a detached existence. One thing is clear - no one is around. If so, then the solution would be to try to find like-minded people. Believe me, they exist.

You can go, for example, to a holiday, to the gym. Anywhere where there are people. Many people enjoy hobbies. Find a like-minded person in circles or communities. It's best if it's offline. You can go to an interesting conference on your topic, to various master classes, coffee breaks, or to an ice skating rink. Don't be afraid of feeling like everyone has abandoned you. Be afraid to bury a good friend within yourself.

You are prone to social isolation if:

• your speech is rough;
• you always argue and make your opinion absolute;
• there is boredom despite eventful days;
• there are no positive emotions;
• you strive to realize yourself separately from society;
• you are not interested in your partner’s condition;
• you seek to overly control family members or a specialist at work;
• you are an overly independent person;
• you have a difficult past;
• you suffer from a form of psychological disorder and
• Situations arise when you cause concern to others;
• You are an elderly person and your surroundings are perceived as a social landscape.

Rodya - everything is possible.

Why is this happening?

Quantity does not always mean quality

Very often, the reasons for such a feeling are qualitative changes in relationships, while visible, quantitative ones may not change. Therefore, it can be very difficult to understand such loneliness from the outside. Envious people begin to say that you are “mad with fat,” but in fact, profound changes are occurring in the types listed below.

• Changes in the number of friends you are interested in. This type is more typical of young girls. It so happens that at certain periods people begin to disagree in their views, hobbies, life values, and level of aspiration. Just yesterday you were one, worried about your grades together. And now: one decided to give birth to a dozen children at once, the second went abroad, and the third is constantly lost or began to tell you things that are completely uninteresting to you. You are left with a feeling of emptiness and uselessness. Heads up! Life is just beginning. At least, such a nuisance clearly demonstrates those people who are ready to stay with you forever, to share all the sorrows and joys. Perhaps this situation was given to you specifically in order to finally appreciate those people who were and will be with you - your parents, and perhaps that one friend whom you had not noticed before.
• If you are experiencing stagnation or trouble at work. Often we achieve full self-realization in the work sphere. This is great and correct. But you shouldn’t replace concepts. Work is a huge field of activity, but that’s not all. Remember how in the movie “Office Romance”? One thing cannot replace everything. The broader the interests in life, the more varied the hobbies, the greater the chances that at least one area will now be an outlet.
• If your relationships with significant people have changed. Still, most often the feeling of uselessness begins to haunt the moment when an understanding of a change in attitude on the part of a significant person begins to come, and most often - a husband or beloved man. Although such a trigger may also be relationships with children. And here the main problem is self-esteem and awareness of one’s role and place. Often a woman is ready to sacrifice herself to relationships and people. She devotes her life to arranging a man’s life or devotes herself entirely to children, forgetting that they are separate individuals, and not a continuation of her. Naturally, she wants gratitude and “constant presence” in return. Yes, she gives so much of her energy that she is unable to let go of a piece of her work. But the man begins to not appreciate this amount of attention, and the children grow up and want to build their own lives. This is how a woman begins to feel deceived and useless to anyone. And this is the most frequent and most painful experience.

What to do about it?

Ask yourself the question: “Were you happy doing everything for someone?” If yes, then this is the main gratitude for you. You weren’t actually doing good to someone else, you were doing happiness to yourself and that’s exactly what you enjoyed. So now you just need to find someone else you can do something useful: do charity work, get an animal...

And if you were deeply unhappy with what you did and did it through force, do you really want your loved ones to experience similar torment in return? Is it really possible that as a reward for the fact that you suffered earlier, you want to see how your loved one will suffer now? This is, in your understanding, true love – mutual suffering and curtailment of one’s happiness? If so, then you are doomed to feel useless. Because no one wants to endure this, except masochists, and therefore they will try to distance themselves from you. If you really begin to understand that you would not want to cause suffering to others, you simply do not understand how to build your life differently, you should seek advice from a psychologist.

Why do I feel lonely and unwanted?

Adolescence is a period of crisis when your body and your psyche change so quickly that your body does not have time to cope with it and therefore experiences severe stress. It becomes difficult for you to manage your emotions, experience negative feelings (pain, despair, sadness), and cope with life’s difficulties. Even small troubles are seen as a disaster that cannot be eliminated. And if we add here a lack of understanding on the part of others, or, even worse, violence - physical, psychological or sexual - then the feeling of worthlessness, loneliness, and rejection only grows.

Here is an example of a 15-year-old boy’s painful experience of his loneliness. We think you understand his feelings

Loneliness destroys hopes, makes you disappointed in yourself and other people, leads to bad habits or other, more terrible consequences. But it also has another, positive side - it allows you to realize your isolation from other people, to discover your unique and inimitable inner world. With this positive thought, let's start working on your situation.

What to do if no one needs you?

The observations described in the tip above can actually be noticed in real life. Indeed, remember - what is it like when some person makes you happy? Usually when he brings you something necessary and useful in business relationships or something pleasant in your personal life. Help, advice, participation or love, care and tenderness. We are always glad to see such a person. And he will definitely never die from loneliness or lack of attention.

This is a simple logic of life: in order to be needed, in demand and loved, you must first do something for others. And it doesn’t have to be some complicated actions. Simple sympathy for someone else's problem and sincere attention is enough. And suddenly, a person no one needs, as if by magic, becomes loved and needed by everyone. But how can you sincerely be like this?

How to learn to correctly understand the desires of your neighbor, because “another person’s soul is darkness”?

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to see in each person his internal desires (vectors) and needs. This means having the opportunity to establish trusting contact with him. Be on the same wavelength with him and understand him perfectly. In other words, immediately become a pleasant and very valuable person in his environment.

For example:

• A thorough man with an anal vector will offer you his hand and heart just for taking your time to listen to him.
• A person with a skin vector will appreciate you for any reasonable savings (including turning off the lights in the kitchen).
• A visual chatterbox will make you one of her best friends if you are willing to listen to her, understand her feelings, and share yours. She will be happy to talk about beauty and love (perhaps this will look like a conversation about fears, but this is a separate topic).
• A thoughtful sound artist will understand that you are the one and only when you invite the two of you to look at the stars and listen to the silence.

This looks like humorous advice, it seems to be people's petty quirks. But knowledge of the peculiarities of worldview, given to us from birth by vectors, makes our interaction with other people as comfortable as possible for both parties.

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan allows you to understand not only other people, but also yourself. Nobody needs me - this is one of the most common phrases of a woman with a visual vector who lacks new impressions, experiences and emotions. Instead of sitting and waiting for someone to “deliver” these experiences to you, you can take everything into your own hands.

To do this, you need to know what you yourself need. The visual vector is filled with joy when it experiences deep feelings and shares them with other people, when it contemplates beauty in all its manifestations. When you are alone and no one needs you, it's time to do the following:

• Visit a museum or art gallery, or even better, invite someone to share a touch of beauty with you. Maybe your neighbor's grandmother dreams of it, but can't afford it?
• Go to the theater and “live” the performance with the actors. Maybe your mother or classmate will be happy about your invitation?
• Listen to the other person and try to “feel” him. Yuri Burlan's free training will help you change your view of another person, and it will be extremely exciting.

Maybe I should have tried harder to make things right?

This question stems from a deep aspiration and hope - tormented, abused, bleeding, but still alive and fueled by the idea that all mothers are loving, and therefore, if something goes wrong, it is solely due to the daughter’s mistakes or shortcomings.

It is accompanied by a huge feeling of guilt, since no one thinks about the really important responsibilities of a mother: she must not only love her child, but also achieve an attunement to him, help him cope with his emotions and learn to restore mental balance, raise him to be confident enough, so that he is ready for risks and possible failures, and also sees and perceives himself holistically, with all his strengths and weaknesses.

Instead, society instills: “she is your mother,” “she gave you life,” “she fed, clothed and supported you,” and finally, “you owe her.” As I often say, in the eyes of public opinion, the accused is always the daughter.

This issue is also fueled by an unwillingness to admit that you were unable to change the relationship because it was beyond your capabilities. As an adult, it's painful to realize that any power you seemed to have was just an illusion.

It is difficult to comprehend the fact that you could do nothing—literally nothing—except to maintain the status quo and endure the pain and humiliation that it entailed.

How to deal with the feeling of guilt and the idea that you are indebted to your mother because she fed, clothed and supported you?

First, put them in the right context. In fact, parents are required by law to provide clothing, food, and shelter for their children and can be punished if they fail to do so. If this is what it means to be a parent, then an orphanage can be called a place where children receive parental care.

Realize how reflexive your feelings of guilt are and trace them back to their roots. Ask yourself to what extent your feelings of guilt are formed by the unfounded opinions of other people who did not even bother to listen to you and understand your point of view. And how much it is strengthened by the cultural myth of the mother...

You may also have personal beliefs, including religious ones, that are important to you, which prompt you to ask this question. If this is the case, seek professional help to learn how to achieve some kind of balance where your views do not interfere with recovery and personal growth. Discussing such issues can be a huge relief.

Question for psychologists

Asks: Zoya, 20 years old

Question category: Emotions and feelings

23.12.2018

Hello. I am 19 years old, studying at medical college. I have this problem: I have a lot of friends, so many that I sometimes forget their names, but they consider me their girlfriend. I believe that they are not my friends, because they take advantage of me for some reason, they always need something from me (money, something for studying). I don’t value them, I don’t like them, but I don’t tell them about it, I just smile. Further, during my studies, everyone considers me a smart girl and has high hopes for me, but I know that I’m stupid, because in all 4 years, I haven’t learned anything, I don’t even know what we went through in the first year or went through yesterday, because I learn everything only before class, and forget when I leave it. But I can’t teach, because I’m terribly lazy, I don’t want anything. Although, I understand perfectly well that my future depends on this. Then the family, my mother considers me her most beloved child, all the best as they say to me, but I don’t appreciate it, because I don’t feel a connection with her, because she never asks about how I feel, the other girls consult with my mothers, but this didn’t happen to me. As a child, she was very strict with me, she allowed me to play only with the children of relatives and only for an hour, she always scolded me for violations, I was very afraid of her, and I am afraid now. Therefore, if anything happens, I’m just afraid to tell her, and I feel that most likely I don’t love her. In short, many people love me and consider me good, but I don’t love anyone, I simply lie to their faces, I know that I am hypocritical and therefore I feel my insignificance. I don't know what to do.

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What could I become if I had a loving mother?

This question is a road to nowhere, and usually arises when the daughter begins to realize the harm done to her and feels great anger and resentment because she was deprived of the most necessary things. Some of this anger may be directed at herself - because she has been unable to see her mother in her true light for so long, because she has denied harm and tried to appease her mother instead of taking action, and so on.

At some point, such a question may even seem emotionally fruitful, but here's the hard truth: it's like wondering what your life would be like if you were born a princess or fantastically rich and high-ranking person, had world-class talent, or any other quality that would predetermine your life path.

This question also distracts from working on yourself, which helps you heal and become the best version of yourself - and not someone else. And the good news is that healing is possible. So put that question out of your mind and move forward lightly.

The good thing is that giving up this question doesn’t hurt. If you start to think about it, tell yourself no and ask any of the many productive questions suggested in this book.

What's next after practice?

After practice, you don’t need to do anything else - rest and restore your strength. If during practice other phrases intrusively came to you, then write them down during practice. The next day you can work on the next one, then another one from the list.

Often in practice similar negative programs come along. In this case, often the following: no one needs a child, neither my husband nor children need me, my parents don’t need me, my mother doesn’t need me, how to continue to live in this world, no one loves me, I don’t want to live, and many others. Everyone has their own programs, individual ones.

Also, after practicing, after a couple of days, notice yourself if you again want to go to the forum to read about being useless to anyone, find a poem, song, quotes, prose or pictures about this condition, or talk about it with someone. In this case, repeat the Keyword Therapy exercise with the same phrase.

The vast majority of negative programs (about 80%) are cut off by Keyword Therapy the first time. But sometimes there are programs of enormous mental power, into which a colossal amount of energy is invested - with these you need to work again, for another hour.

Thus, as a result of your independent work, you can easily and simply eliminate a huge number of negative programs from your subconscious. This is very rewarding work, since its consequences will be your increased overall energy potential, improved overall well-being and mood. you will get rid of these “sharp corners” (= negative programs) that your family and friends constantly “cling” to, so your relationship with them will also improve.

If your condition is close to depression, then I ask you to devote time to this too and work on it with self-care - again, independently and effectively. I wrote how to do this in the article “How to overcome depression on your own without medications...”. Stop by.

What should I change in myself to make her love me?

This question seems to be part of the previous one, but in reality it is independent and there is an answer to it: nothing.

There is nothing you could change about yourself to make your mother treat you differently, because her reaction to you has nothing to do with you and is entirely related to her.

This situation should be separated from the relationship between mother and child, if not simple, but still filled with care.

I urge you to remember that it is always the mother, and not the child, who has the opportunity to change the nature of the relationship.

This situation continues even when the child grows up, because the mother-daughter relationship never becomes a partnership, and the daughter expects something from the mother, and not vice versa. Let's start with what experts call “quality of fit,” a concept focused on the personalities of the child and his mother.

Consider the case of a relatively introverted mother who has a high need for time to herself and values ​​silence. She has two children: one is calm, independent and rarely behaves reactively, the other is emotionally demanding, lively and active. Which of the two will be easier for such a mother?

The answer is obvious: with a child whose needs are closer to her own. And it is in this case that we will talk about high “quality of compliance.” However, the parent-child relationship is not a relationship of equals, and it is the mother's responsibility to recognize the difficulties that come with raising a child who is different from her and to find ways to cope with them.

The solution is not to reproach, avoid or ignore the child who expects his mother to meet his emotional needs, which would allow him to grow and develop safely.

Reasons for low self-esteem

Above, I already wrote a little about happiness. Let's take a scarier example. A person cannot build normal relationships with other people. He takes a lot and gives nothing. An egoist who considers himself a little God, the center of the universe, the coolest. Everyone else must satisfy his desires and stroke his ego. Such people have many friends and comrades with whom they can have fun. However, I would not allow something like this into my close circle of friends.

Another option is the opposite: a person “does good.” Reinvests in relationships. As a rule, they also leave such people. There is no balance.

There is a law in communication and relationships: we build a fence brick by brick. One is laying a brick. Then the second one lays a brick. Then again the first one. This is how strong relationships are built. If the second person does not lay a brick, then the first one looks for another.

It happens the other way around. You meet a person. He will start dumping a truckload of bricks on you. You stand there and think: “I’ll probably go. It's boring with him." This is an indicator of low self-esteem and fear of losing a person. It scares me a lot.

The driver of a truck with bricks has a direct path to a psychologist.

The reasons may lie in childhood.

Children lacked the attention of their parents, especially girls strive to capture the attention of their father. Or vice versa, the parents fulfilled all the whims of the child

And when he enters the adult world, leaves school, he realizes that the world is not a pink pony ready to fulfill his wishes.

For example, a girl at the age of 5 persistently took her to gymnastics classes. She didn't like it. She couldn't do it. Her father continued to drive her until she was kicked out. As a result, the girl formed an opinion about herself that she was worthless, could not do anything, and was worse than others. Friends or not, or those who do not express a desire to be friends. In other words, the inner self seeks confirmation of worthlessness in the outer world. Such people need to see a psychologist..

Relationships with the opposite sex. In relationships, one often kills the self-esteem of the other because he does not understand the values ​​of his partner. Sometimes on purpose, saying things like: “Who needs you alone with the children.”

At work we also lose self-esteem. It’s hard to feel good when you’re a handyman, your bosses talk about this, and you can see how newcomers who come later quickly catch on.

The next problem: the surrounding space, the appearance of an ideal world in films and magazines. A girl watches a film: she sees models who look like celestial beings, and not like ordinary people. He thinks: “Men love beautiful people. I am not like that. I won’t have a man.” Day by day, and she will believe it. Thoughts will create the expected result - the absence of a man.

Appearance is not an indicator. This is a temporary characteristic; the inner world is much more important. What's inside is also outside. In the last paragraph I will tell you about mental laws that must be observed.

If my own mother didn’t love me, then who will?

This is the secret fear that a little unloved girl hides deep inside. He is reinforced by self-accusations and accompanies her in adult life, now hiding in the shadows, now coming to the surface.

Behind the fear is a powerful cultural myth - that all mothers love their children with unconditional love - and the enormous power that a mother has over her children. This fear makes the daughter feel like an outcast who never feels comfortable with anyone and is always ready to be rejected.

Of course, such a question could not arise without the confidence that the sun around which the unloved daughter revolves is not only the only source of love, but also a storehouse of wisdom and insight. This is the question of a frightened and lonely child, and although it haunts its victim again and again, it must be abandoned.

If you bring this question into the light of adult understanding, its source is immediately visible, especially if you allow yourself to think about all those people who did not believe your mother's false accusations when you were little.

Experts call relationships with such people “islands of safety,” and these relationships can become the source of acquired secure attachment. By abandoning the “damned” question, you can turn your attention to all those people who have shown you love and kindness and supported you in the past and present. And we are not just talking about deep and close relationships.

For example, I still remember the kind look and affectionate gestures of my teacher in the first grade and how, thanks to her, I felt good more than 60 years ago.

So, instead of asking, “If my own mother didn’t love me, who will?” - ask yourself: “Who was and is a guiding beacon for me, the promised land, where I really feel good?”

That, my friends, is the question worth asking.

What can we learn from non-Orthodox people?

When asked about the possibility of dialogue with Protestants, Father Tikhon answered decisively:

-I have no opinion about the possibility of religious dialogue, because I think that it is very dangerous, due to the fact that Protestants are constantly dragging us into these circles of some syncretic common religion. Even when they say they don’t want it, they still drag it in - this is their missionary component.

But we can learn a lot from Protestants. Remember Tyutchev? “I’m a Lutheran and I love worship.” Saint Ignatius Brianchaninov told us clearly and clearly: The Church of Christ is the Orthodox Church. What the Catholic Church is, the Protestant Church, we don’t know. We know that these are Christian societies, and I have no doubt about that. The question of their salvation is also absolutely beyond my competence.

From the Pskov-Pechersky Monastery I came abroad completely wild and shied away from Catholics. And then one day I was brought to a meeting with young people. This was 90-91. I saw the same young faces as here, and even younger ones - sixteen, seventeen, eighteen years old guys. I heard from conversations that these were real Christians, as I understood it. I asked their priest: “How do you keep them? Such a sea of ​​temptations in the Western world! Why don't they give in to temptation? Why are they such staunch real Christians?”

The Catholic priest looked at me like I was an idiot and said: “Yes, because they love Christ more than all these temptations.”

Loneliness as a feeling

It’s amazing that there are so many people around, but we feel like a desert island when we encounter misunderstandings. In this case, to whom can you open your soul? However, believers, even in such an emotional state, turn to the Heavenly Father for help. The Bible says: “Call to Me and I will answer you, I will show you great and inaccessible things.” The Lord will always understand.

The feeling of loneliness cannot be called an illusion or stupidity. People find something to fill this hole - drinking, games, movies. These are all temporary patches. Everyone has an emptiness in their hearts that tinsel cannot fill. Holy place.

What to do if a person says that no one needs him: advice from a psychologist

The man says that no one needs him

On the one hand, living in a metropolis is much more interesting than living in a village. But on the other hand, city residents have a lot of free time. Even the abundance of information and ways to have fun does not help - people increasingly feel a sense of despondency and boredom. Sometimes the reason is lack of self-confidence, and sometimes it’s information overload.

The gray, everyday life of a simple office employee is very boring. Repeated events destroy the psychological cocoon of calm that every person has. Such a life throws you out of balance and makes you suffer from the fact that every day is lived as a “carbon copy”, without joys.

This is a typical diagram:

• If in the morning a person sighs that life is hard, in the evening he will sob because he is not fulfilled, not attractive, not interesting.
• Moreover, many positive things can happen around a person, but he does not notice it and forgets to be grateful for the little he has.
• Some people mistakenly believe that thrills save them from boredom and depression - they begin to engage in extreme sports, expose themselves to any risks, but the efforts do not bring results.
• While a monk can live in a cave as a hermit for ten years, and at the same time never get “bored”, even if he sits staring at one point.

It is worth noting that the point here is not at all about wealth and the opportunity or inability to afford a full range of pleasures. The monk described above, in response to the question of what it was like for him in “imprisonment,” will answer that these were the brightest years of his life.

Here are the psychologist's tips, thanks to which you will learn what to do if a person says that no one needs him:

To get rid of the feeling of boredom, learn to see beauty:

After all, the “brightness” of the world does not need to be sought, it must simply be perceived.

Open up to the world:

• A person who is bored is almost always bored himself.
• He runs away from himself, not realizing the depth of his personality.
• His inner world is locked, like an impregnable fortress.
• In order for strangers to see this beauty, you should remove the heavy, heavy lock from the door and allow them to enter.

Get to know your surroundings:

• You should work tirelessly on yourself, learn new things, reveal your inner potential, look for hidden abilities and talents.
• This is called "creating yourself."
• Do you want to become an interesting person? All in your hands.

If you feel like no one needs you, get to know your surroundings

If you desire variety in life, crave it with all your heart:

• Anyone who tries to find a cure for boredom, being already devastated, does not achieve results.
• To be in touch with life, one must be alive. In every sense of the word.
• It is not enough to simply wish for happiness - you need to open up to it, and in a good mood.

Avoid monotony:

• “No one needs it” arises precisely from this.
• Some people believe that if they are not rich, they constantly do not have enough money to travel to exotic countries or go bowling on the weekends, then boredom will not be overcome. This is wrong.
• You can diversify your life even with a minimum of expenses and a very low income.
• The main thing is to be able to find something to do.
• Change your daily routine so that you have as little free time as possible for passive rest.
• If you think that there is no joy in life, just invent it for yourself.

Fill your life with exciting events:

If you experience pleasant excitement and bright events every day, boredom will not come. And this has been verified.

Be in harmony with yourself:

This will help avoid nervous exhaustion, which entails the thought that no one needs you.

Change your life:

• To do this, you need to have youth of spirit, powerful internal resources and a huge amount of energy.
• Do you feel like she's missing? - Accumulate.
• It is necessary, like a sponge, to be saturated with life and positivity.
• So that in the future your positive vibes can influence people who will begin to replenish your social circle.

In fact, no specialist will make a person happy. He must become one himself. Internal states should be sought within oneself, striving for harmony and balance. After all, for a person dissatisfied with life, even a decent collection of new acquaintances will not bring joy. He will still consider himself unhappy and useless to anyone.

Prospector syndrome

You try for your husband: surprise him with new dishes (because he doesn’t like monotony), buy fresh newspapers for him every morning (because he doesn’t read electronically).
You try for the children: you clean their apartment (they, poor things, have no time - everyone works!), give them part of your pension or salary (you don’t need much - you’re used to making do with little). You do your best for your grandchildren: you bake pies for them, take them to the pool and chess, sit with them when they are sick. You try for friends and acquaintances - you support, console, take their pets for foster care. In a word, you try, try, try... Article on the topic TEST: how objective is your self-esteem?

At best, they give you an indifferent “Thank you!” And at worst, they find something to complain about. The newspapers turn out to be uninteresting, the pies are tasteless, the apartment is not well-groomed enough.

A boy found a Typikon in the basement...

Several questions were devoted to the charter and internal life of the monastery. Father Tikhon admitted that it is relatively easy to observe the fast rules, the rules of the Jesus Prayer, the rules of sleep, the rules of the monastic rule, but the liturgical rules are not.

-We are tied to our parishioners. We are not able to organize services for them every day, especially on Saturday and Sunday, for six to seven hours. Therefore, we took the charter of the Pskov-Pechersky Monastery as a basis and shortened one kathisma. Moreover, we still taught all our parishioners to read the indefatigable Psalter.

Night services are often held at the Sretensky Monastery. Both monks, seminarians, and parishioners often receive communion. Several times during Great Lent the evening Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts is celebrated, and fasting from midnight is considered the norm for communicants in this case.

Father Tikhon once again extremely joyfully called on his listeners to fast more strictly (with the blessing of their confessor, of course). But he honestly admitted that the monastery held exactly one service with the statutory znamenny chant.

On the topic of statutory piety, Father Tikhon read an ironic quatrain:

-The boy found the Typikon in the basement,

At sixteen he began to read the canon.

The whole monastery was in despondency and fear,

All the monks fled from it.

Father Tikhon also spoke about the life of the inhabitants of the monastery. It turns out that the governor gives everyone a vacation of 2-3 weeks.

-Some people come to our monastery, others go to their parents’ dacha to sleep. We live in the epicenter of Moscow. We just live in a traffic jam. Even just breathing, clearing your throat for real is already worth a lot.

What causes loneliness?

Have you ever wondered what we were created for? The Bible explains that the Creator created us for connection, for community. We often idealize romantic relationships and even friendships, thinking that if only we found the right person, we would never experience social deficits again.

But even very happy married men and women experience loneliness. We were determined not only to connect with other people, but also to connect with God.

Even wealth, achievements and honor are not enough to protect us from internal torment. Pop culture is full of these examples; the rampant divorces, suicides and drug use that litter the Hollywood landscape.

The Bible also contains stories of people from different walks of life: people who had everything but still felt alone, and others who had nothing but need and looked to the Lord to fill it. .

Solomon was the king of Israel who was given immense wisdom by God. And he literally had everything: huge piles of gold, a gigantic palace and hundreds of wives and concubines. You would think that Solomon would be the most contented man on Earth! But he wrote a book about how meaningless life is: “Yet, when I examined everything that my hands did and that I tried to achieve, everything was meaningless, chasing the wind; nothing has been achieved under the Sun." (Ecclesiastes 2:11). You can hear his deep despair in this statement!

Reasons for loneliness

• inability to build relationships;
• psychological problems;
• fear of not being accepted;
• wrong example of family relationships;
• the habit of looking for character flaws in others;
• put work first;
• a person's love of solitude;
• fear of others and new acquaintances;
• resentment if others did not pay attention to my uniqueness;
• an illness that tends to solitude;
• experiencing bad experiences of betrayal;
• low self-esteem;
• internet addiction;
• conflict, anger and excessive emotionality when criticizing;
• values ​​that are harmful from the point of view of others;
• uncertainty and constant feelings of guilt;
• fear of not being liked

For comparison: one day, while walking around the city, Jesus met a man with leprosy. Then the disease was ten times more dangerous and terrible than it is now; people were afraid to catch her. Lepers were outcasts and outcasts, often abandoned by friends and relatives, and begging on the streets just to get something to eat.

Imagine this particular leper sitting in the dust and dirt, ignored by everyone who passes by. He had no one to turn to and he didn’t have a penny. But he stood up and came to Jesus, fell to his knees in the street and asked to cleanse him.

Jesus touched a leper—a man who had probably not been touched by another person for many years—and healed him. Now the outcast was delighted and told everyone about it, although Jesus asked not to tell anyone about it. His life suddenly found joy and meaning despite the fact that he still had no one and nothing. What changed the world of this former outcast so much? Just one short interaction with Jesus.

How to deal with loneliness

Even though loneliness is a human reality without immediate treatment, there are two things that can be used here and now:

Since we are designed for interaction, a big part of the fight against loneliness is communication. No friend can save you from loneliness, but having people around you who care about you and who you are (not your body, skills, money or ability to drink) will help you see that you are are not in social isolation.

Some tips that will help you realize the advantages of loneliness and find a place in society:

• thoughts about self-development;
• the desire to simply enjoy the process;
• trainings in interest groups;
• general social events;
• read something that will put things in order in your head;
• attend holidays;
• relax with family and friends;
• don’t be afraid to take action and meet new people.

In fact, scientific research backs this up: the more friends you have and the more interactions you have, the better your health. All you have to do is Google “Health Benefits of Friendship.” Brene Brown, a researcher and expert on human interaction, explains it in the article as follows: “I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they find support and strength in relationships.” Sharing your innermost self with the people who love you can help you see beyond your own point of view and bring meaning to your life that you can remember in moments of loneliness.

Who understands your loneliness

Sometimes it's hard to understand how trusting in a God you can't see can help you feel less alone

Friday night. But the Bible says God will never forsake his children, and he is close to all who call on His name. He loves you and wants a relationship with you. He wants you to come to Him when you are lonely!

And not only that, he understands. When Jesus was going through the worst hours of His life and was about to be crucified, His friends abandoned Him and even pretended not to know Him. Jesus knows what it is like to be a person abandoned by everyone. The Bible says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18). How would you feel when, in your deepest moment of loneliness, you knew someone was there with you? The God who created you is with you and will never leave you!