Every person experiences a state of deep loss several times in their life. First - in adolescence, when we fully begin to understand ourselves as individuals and worry about our future, then - when we begin our professional activities. But the most striking crisis on everyone’s lips is, of course, the midlife crisis, to which all people are susceptible, regardless of gender (contrary to the widespread stereotype). We understand the myths and reality around this phenomenon and determine how to deal with it.
What scientists say about midlife crisis
According to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs, the last and highest desire of a person is self-actualization.
This is what we strive for when we set goals, learn new skills, and constantly try to get out of our comfort zone to become better. It is very difficult to satisfy the need for self-actualization, since for this it is necessary to go through all the other stages: provide yourself with a roof over your head and food, surround yourself with close people, achieve a certain status in society - and only after that, when all other needs are more or less satisfied, we can begin to self-actualize. The scientist himself wrote in his book “Towards the Psychology of Being” that less than 1% of the adult population manages to reach this stage. However, many by the age of 35 - the lower threshold of the midlife crisis - feel as if they have already achieved everything in life, and no longer know what to do now, although there are still many years of life ahead and many unrealized opportunities.
However, achieving the last step of the pyramid of needs, in fact, does not have a direct connection with a certain age. There is no definitive research in the domestic and foreign scientific communities regarding the existence of a midlife crisis as a social and psychological phenomenon. The first person to talk about this phenomenon was Carl Jung, who was engaged in psychotherapeutic practice. Observing his patients, he noticed that closer to the middle of life, people often experience a condition that can be called a crisis. It is characterized by a loss of meaning in life and conscious goals, but the understanding that nothing is over is still present.
Usually such a crisis is preceded by a rethinking of values and beliefs, the choice of a new path and, in a sense, rebirth with a certain experience behind one’s back.
Following Jung, the midlife crisis was studied by the American psychologist E. Erikson. The scientist associated this period with the loss of productivity that people feel due to the absence of family or work (or both), as well as due to dissatisfaction in these areas. By the age of 35, this feeling becomes especially acute, and a person is faced with a choice: either continue to do what does not bring pleasure, or rethink everything that came before. Following Erickson, his colleague D. Levinson added that another reason for the midlife crisis is the loss of youth, physiological changes and their external manifestations, which lead to a rethinking of values and outlook on life.
However, no matter how much scientists agree that at a certain age people undergo approximately the same crisis state, this does not mean that a midlife crisis can be considered a confirmed psychological phenomenon, characteristic of every individual without exception. The concept of a cyclical life, in which there is room for both growth and decline in productivity, is applicable to many people, but there is no justified link to a certain age or a clear set of reasons due to which we find ourselves in a crisis situation.
Depression and loss of meaning in life
I will try to describe this process from a psychoanalytic point of view, from the point of view of the loss of desire and meaning that has arisen around a significant narcissistic loss.
First, it’s worth talking about depression - a disease of the 21st century. It is with depression that loss of meaning in life is a key factor in diagnosis.
It is worth immediately clarifying that if on Mondays you feel a bad mood, on Thursdays you sometimes want to cry, and in rainy weather you pine under the covers, then this has nothing to do with depression, but can only be called a mood disorder, part of an age-related crisis or other current life problems.
If you can continue to work, communicate with others, understand yourself and others, then we are talking about ordinary sadness.
Sadness is always a reaction to the loss of a loved one or the concept that replaced it (freedom, ideal, work, etc.). After some time it will be overcome, and no outside intervention is required, which can sometimes even be harmful.
As for deeper problems, it is important to understand that any person can face a loss of meaning at any time in their life.
You should not ignore if a teenager or even a child has lost interest in life.
During certain crisis periods of life, this question may arise more often and manifest itself more deeply. For example, the first menstruation or the first sexual experience, graduation from school or college, the birth of a child, menopause or the period when they become grandparents. In general, this can be a period when a person moves to the next stage of development or he enters the next stage of life, a period of decision-making or new responsibility.
I repeat that depression is a serious illness, which, unfortunately, is not always clearly visible to others, even close people. The suicide rate for depression is colossally high, and knowledge about the symptoms and treatment options is incredibly low.
Therefore, we will talk about it, about melancholy or the modern name - depression, about the loss of meaning, about the unwillingness to live and about the pain of existing.
A sure sign of depression and loss of meaning
A depressed person loses interest in the outside world, in everything that happens around him completely.
He cannot work, is capable of any activity, and does not even see the need for self-care.
The hallmark of depression is how you feel about yourself. With this disease, self-esteem is reduced to zero, a person blames himself for everything, for real and fictitious actions, he expects punishment, he is tormented by guilt, he is not at all ashamed of his feelings, which may seem absurd and groundless to the people around him.
Still, we all feel it
Despite the fact that domestic and foreign psychologists have not yet agreed on a clear opinion about what a midlife crisis is and whether it exists at all, we all experience this condition, sometimes without even noticing it - as, for example, in the case of prolonged depression , which begins to be perceived more as a norm than a deviation from the usual state.
By what signs can you determine that you are having a so-called midlife crisis?
- Lost motivation in your personal or work life, or in all of them at once.
- The future seems sad, if not tragic.
- You began to devalue the results of your activities, blame yourself for mistakes that you hadn’t thought much about before.
- Your mood changes for no apparent reason.
- The idea of changing interests arose, since the previous ones ceased to bring joy.
- You feel increased concern about your health.
It is important to remember that individual symptoms may indicate a completely different period in your life. For example, lack of motivation is about emotional burnout or depression caused by general overwork and high workload, and not by the need to reconsider one’s values.
Why is this happening?
Everything is very subjective. But in general, in a world where they are increasingly trying to deny suffering, where it is fashionable to only be positively disposed, only to smile and rejoice, a person does not allow himself to “suffer”, to grieve for what he does not have now or will not have. He faces complete devaluation, a stunning emptiness.
What to do?
The most important thing to realize is that this condition will not resolve on its own. This process can only get worse.
Stirring a person up or distracting him is not an option. Taking someone out to a bar and having a glass while trying to have a heart-to-heart conversation is not a panacea. More precisely, this is the meaningless mentality of our culture.
A depressed person, when he does not understand why he should live, can only be helped by therapy. And if the disease is sufficiently advanced, then drug intervention may be needed.
Loss of meaning in life is a global devaluation of everything that has happened in life.
In the psychoanalyst’s office, the entire history of a person unfolds, which it is possible to remember and reconstruct; traumas and conflicts are experienced, which makes it possible to search for new meanings, and, consequently, changes in life. Therapy helps re-ignite the desire to live.
As I wrote earlier, simply waiting for it to go away on its own is a losing option in advance. If the disease is not advanced, and a person understands that something incomprehensible and terrible is happening to him, then he needs to contact specialists as soon as possible. Look for a psychologist, pick up the phone and call, make an appointment.
With deep depression, when a person no longer cares, a lot depends on his loved ones. This can be difficult, but you need to convince the person to seek help, help them find a psychologist and make an appointment.
Who to contact?
At the moment, it has become quite fashionable to be a psychologist or psychotherapist. But depression is not an option when you should choose a specialist “blindly”. Different schools and methods can work with depression - psychoanalysis, psychoanalytic therapy, gestalt therapy.
But what you should pay attention to:
- inquire about the education of a psychologist, since the activities of psychologists in our country are not licensed (the quality of the services provided is not controlled by anyone), anyone can call themselves a psychoanalyst and start practicing, but this carries a danger to the client’s psyche
- It is very important that the specialist undergoes his own personal therapy, so that he works through all his internal conflicts and does not bring anything of his “personal” into therapy; ask if he has a therapist, what school he belongs to.
- specify whether the specialist belongs to professional communities and which ones, if so.
- availability of recommendations. This is an important aspect, but it is not at all necessary that a psychologist who was suitable for one person will be equally effective for another.
Good health to you! Start with the soul, it needs your help no less than the body.
Photo: shutterstock.com
Do not be nervous
It is normal to experience an identity crisis, regardless of age or personal achievements. Sooner or later you may come to the realization that you have already achieved everything, or would like to try something new. The main thing is to figure out where this feeling came from. Try to describe what exactly doesn’t suit you in your current life and how you can fix it. It is not necessary to immediately start changing your life and run out to buy a motorcycle: it is enough to set the vector for positive thinking, showing yourself that you can overcome any difficulties.
Use all your talents
Gary Vaynerchuk knows wine, video and business. He launched Wine Library TV, a webcast dedicated to wine. Steve Jobs understood design and technology. He created Apple.
Most of us view our abilities vertically. We choose one talent and try to succeed somewhere with it. Instead, you can look at your abilities horizontally and create a unique combination of skills, abilities and aspirations.
Think about where such a mix might be useful? Usually we try to fit into the existing business model and adapt to the needs of employers. We say: “I am ready to do anything in the name of financial success.”
Wouldn't it be better to think about what makes you unique and how that will help you achieve success? Make an action plan. You will realize how great it is to be yourself.
Whole life ahead
If you understand that half of your life is behind you, and some dreams remain dreams, do not despair - you still have time to realize them. The only obstacle that may appear on your way is self-doubt and internal barriers, which, as a rule, are associated with certain fears and stereotypes. Think: what is stopping you from starting to do what you like right now? Make a list of limiting reasons for yourself and evaluate how much they depend on your decision.
How to find the meaning of life
If you suddenly feel that you are lost and cannot decide where to move next, psychologist Oleg Ivanov advises doing the following.
Write down all your experiences on paper
This way you can understand what exactly is bothering you. For example, an unstable financial situation, difficulties in relationships with a partner or relatives are alarming. You will understand which area of life needs more attention.
Try to find your priorities
Determine the most important points for your current state and focus on them.
Oleg Ivanov
Psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Resolving Social Conflicts.
Start small, don't try to move mountains right away. Achieve small goals every day. No matter what you do, record the results and specific steps.
Try to understand what activities bring you pleasure
And also where you yourself can be useful. Many people find themselves precisely when they help someone else. Even a small participation in the lives of others and volunteer activities provide an incentive for self-development.
Take a closer look at your surroundings
Perhaps there are toxic people next to you, communication with whom creates a feeling of lack of meaning in life. They can lower your self-esteem, impose their opinions, and sow doubts. Try to avoid such people, communicate with those who are ready to support you.
Form habits and rituals
You've probably noticed that if you don't brush your teeth in the morning, you'll most likely feel bad throughout the day. And the point is not about hygiene, but about the fact that the usual ritual was disrupted. The brain, repeating the same actions, gets used to a certain behavior, and if you go out of rhythm somewhere, you thereby disrupt stability and the brain begins to get nervous. Therefore, if you feel in a state of uncertainty and unpredictability, deliberately “drive” yourself into the system by forming new [useful habits (https://theoryandpractice.ru/posts/16486-povtor-poleznykh-deystviy-kak-nauchitsya-formirovat-privychki ).
Get rid of a toxic environment
When I decided to quit, my parents were twirling their fingers at their temples. Everyone tried to dissuade me. It was very difficult. There will definitely be people in your environment who do not believe in your strengths, lower your self-esteem and impose their opinions. You need to limit your communication with them. Even if those closest to you turn out to be such toxic characters. By allowing them into your life, you waste a lot of energy.
Do not give in to provocations, stick to your position. Do not doubt. Then no one can break your faith in yourself.
Surround yourself with those who will support your goals and aspirations. So you realize that many doubts were just an echo of what you heard about yourself.
What the world needs
The question of the fourth circle of Ikigai is “What does the world need?” - can be confusing. But answering it is necessary because it is a way to find meaning in life and feel useful.
In this final step, you can approach your life's mission by asking yourself how you might use your talents, your passions, and even your work to serve others. It doesn't have to be any special mission. No one is asking you to save the world; your contribution can be simple, but still necessary.
So what do you think the world needs? Hint: by “world” here you can mean anything: the planet, nature, society, humanity as a whole, or your immediate environment. Let's reframe the question that pertains to this circle of Ikigai: “What contribution can I make?” - and let's try to find the answer to it in different ways.
1. Find something that worries you to the core, what you care about, what you would like to change, for which you are ready to roll up your sleeves and do your bit to make the world change for the better. It doesn’t have to be some kind of lofty goal; any good deed will do. Answer the questions:
- What makes you angry?
- What are you protesting against?
- What injustice would you like to fight?
- What idea are you ready to fight for?
- What kind of revolution do you think is necessary to make the world order more just?
- What services have you already successfully provided to those around you?
- What do the people in your immediate circle (family, friends, colleagues) need most and what can you give them?
- What do you yourself need most and would be happy to receive?
2. What message would you like to convey to the world, what is your mantra, your core value, your motto, your slogan, your favorite saying? What would you like to influence by reaching out to the people around you?
For example, if you believe that the world needs more brave and confident people, then your message could be: “What would you do if you weren't afraid?”
If you believe that the world needs more love and goodwill, you could say to people: “All you need is love” (in the words of John Lennon).
If you had the opportunity to fill all the advertising posters at a metro station with some message, what message (mantra, quote) would you choose?
3. What useful things are you already doing? Giving up a seat on the subway, helping a colleague organize a presentation, helping a stranger pick up scattered papers from the floor, helping a friend write a business letter... All these small acts of altruism, no matter how insignificant they may seem, bring pleasure not only to those whom we help, but also to ourselves. Do you want good news? Is it contagious! The more we help, the happier we feel, the more we want to help. All that's left to do is figure out how you can do this.
Think about the questions:
4. Let's try to summarize. What common ground, keyword, common denominator is visible in your answers? The world may need many things, so there may be more than one answer. If there are several answers, try to write them down in the fourth circle of Ikigai in order of importance.
What is interest?
To understand how to regain interest in life and why to do it, as the psychologist says, you must first understand what interest is. “Interest is getting some benefit. Where are all our desires directed? Of course, to states when we always want to experience something, to experience something. Our whole interest is in getting some kind of result, impressions,” says Tatyana Balashova. But sometimes a person loses this interest.
Society insists on finding the meaning of life, on being more effective, insists on quick gratification, quick solutions. From every corner you can hear: “Act, Achieve, Don’t waste time.”
“The constant noise in my head and constant fatigue accumulate every day. A person lives from Friday to Friday, counting the hours until the weekend. But the weekend passes, and the fatigue remains as it was. Loss of strength leads to loss of ability to work. Dissatisfaction with yourself and your results appears. Unachieved goals, constant disruption of plans - this has become especially relevant at the present time. There is a desire to hide from negative emotions, thereby a person seems to forbid himself to feel. The eternal bustle in the race for achievements and the attempt to force oneself to work even more leads to the fact that a person ultimately does not understand why he is doing it, and loses the meaning,” says Tatyana Balashova.
Now very often people come to psychotherapists with suppressed feelings and needs, the specialist notes.
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