Raising children is not easy, and it often becomes even more difficult once they reach adolescence. Teenagers are in an awkward phase between childhood and adulthood that often leaves them sullen, resentful, curious, and sometimes scared or confused. This is also a time during which they tend to portray themselves as more mature and capable of making decisions than they are. They also tend to pay less attention to their parents' advice. When faced with disappointments or failures, they may become more visibly dissatisfied or even hostile. Let's look at teen behavior, what is normal and abnormal, and what you can do about it.
How to learn to understand a teenager?
HOW TO LEARN TO UNDERSTAND A
TEENAGER Adolescence is one of the most difficult periods in the life of a person and the life of a family where there is a teenager. The very word “teenager” already tells us a lot. A person has not yet grown up, has not yet become an adult, but is already very close to this.
Remember yourself at this age. How you wanted adults to take your opinion into account... how violently you reacted when this did not happen... how you tried to achieve authority among your peers... what different and contradictory feelings you experienced - from powerlessness, loneliness and misunderstanding to a feeling of your omnipotence, awareness such truths and understanding of the universe and humanity that no one simply knows about!
So, teenager. What is he like?
Age – 11-15 years. Today, children grow up earlier and an 11-year-old child can already be called a teenager.
Adolescence coincides with puberty. The body, voice, facial features change and... character changes. In the sweet and familiar image of a child, parents suddenly discover someone completely unfamiliar, sometimes cynical and impudent. “This is not our child! Where is that sweet girl we raised?!” - the usual exclamations of the teenager’s parents. “And who does he (she) have such a character like?!”
There is a “hormonal storm” associated with puberty, which affects behavior and is expressed by:
- sudden change in mood
- claims to parents and the world
The perception of the world becomes very subjective, emotional experiences intensify from the experience of a “high” from the world and contact with it to the disgust and horror of being in this world.
Teenagers tend to think about the structure of the world,
they are captivated by various philosophical themes, the themes of searching for the meaning of life, justice, good and evil, love and death become especially relevant.
This internal search is accompanied by reading books (from fantasy to existential literature), writing poems and stories, art attempts to express oneself in clothes, hairstyle, on the walls of houses, one’s room, fences, etc.
Interested in everything forbidden, secret, mystical
. Attracted by horror films, thrillers, dramas. Often at this age, belonging to one or another subculture becomes a way to express oneself. And we see goths, emmos, gopniks, etc., who with their appearance demonstrate to each other and adults their values and life guidelines.
Often it is extremely difficult for a teenager to cope with his feelings
and sudden changes in mood. This scares him and his loved ones. And that is why a teenager so needs the support and understanding of others.
What are the main problems and tasks that are solved during adolescence? What comes to the fore? What do you need to learn during this period?
The answer is simple - communication skills with awareness of one’s place and role in a social group.
Relationships with peers become the most important for a teenager.
Everything else seems to be subordinated to the satisfaction of this need. This could be live communication in teenage groups or parties, or online communication on the World Wide Web. Both can be combined. Thus, the teenager develops communication skills, learns to recognize meaning and subtext, learns to trust himself and the world and find the measure of this trust. Hobbies and interests are directly related to the topic of communication - this could be a theater studio, modern dancing, playing the guitar, etc. And everything that a teenager does at this time serves the main task - to attract the attention of peers, earn authority, feel valued and important in the group, and feel recognized by the group. The experience of one’s place in the peer group becomes central. Finding this worthy place.
It must be said that groups or companies created by teenagers at this age are an analogy of a family, where there are more authoritative older children playing the role of parents and there are many brothers and sisters and, of course, competition between them for the love and recognition of the group leaders. Such a “family” becomes more important than a real family and in it there is an opportunity to try to play different roles from a jester to a leader and develop the skill of communicating with people, the skill of withstanding competition and aggression.
At this age, teenagers are quite vulnerable, vulnerable
and yet aggressive. The way of expressing oneself and one's emotions is sometimes excessive. Self-assertion can sometimes be accompanied by offenses from minor hooligan acts to situations with serious consequences.
And of course, this dominance in communication and self-affirmation is often accompanied by a decrease in academic performance and distance in contact with family members.
Françoise Dolto writes about teenagers as experiencing loss—their childhood is dying.
For me, this interpretation was the discovery of new meanings of this period. I think that teenagers are children who experience grief from the loss of the world in which they lived. Expulsion from paradise is expulsion from childhood. State of chronic stress. But what do we, adults, experience? I think at the level of countertransference something like this...
How to behave with a teenager in order to maintain a trusting relationship, which is so urgently needed and saves in emergency circumstances?
Recommendations for parents:
- Remember yourself at this age and talk to the teenager from the position of an equal, and not from the position of “above”.
- Refrain from moralizing and statements like “But we are at your age...” At best, they will not hear you, at worst, the teenager will have an aggressive reaction.
- Never compare your child with the children of your friends, colleagues and acquaintances. This lowers self-esteem and creates distance in relationships.
- If problematic situations arise, refrain from giving direct advice. It would be more effective to talk about how you once dealt with a similar difficulty or to tell a similar life story with other people, while emphasizing that you believe in your child and that he will be able to make the right decision.
- Don’t devalue a teenager’s experiences with the phrases “Is this really a problem?” or “What nonsense!” or “Don’t worry, everything will pass.” This will only discourage you from communicating with you and asking for help. The feelings that a teenager experiences are very intense and it can be dangerous to underestimate them.
- If you see that your child is upset about something, try to talk to him in a caring and caring manner. Perhaps a simple hug without words will help more than all your advice.
- In controversial situations when communicating with other people, try to take a neutral position: without blaming or shielding others or your child. Try asking questions: How does your child assess this situation? Where and to what extent does he see his share in creating the problem? What experience can he gain from this? What kind of help does he need from you?
- In conflict situations with your child, it is good if you ask yourself the following questions: What is it about me that led to the conflict? What could be done to avoid a similar situation in the future?
- Learn to negotiate with a teenager, emphasizing that this is an agreement between equal adults (after all, he so wants to achieve recognition of his adulthood!) People and each party is responsible for its compliance. An adult means, first of all, responsible. And do not forget that you can demand from others only when you yourself fulfill these obligations.
Schizoid
These are closed, uncommunicative (won't or can't) teenagers. Contradictory in behavior, interests and character (for example, cold but sentimental). Schizoids are noticeable from childhood. These are quiet children, “mother’s joy.” They do not misbehave, do not run around, and do not reach out to other children. They have weak intuition, which often creates for them the image of Kai with a frozen heart. Due to their excessive closeness and low emotionality, they seem unpredictable and difficult to other people. They are distinguished by their rich imagination and unconventional hobbies.
Dangers
The schizoid type develops against the background of emotional rejection. The type of complete social isolation is dangerous.
Critical situations
Informal communication and informal contacts, the role of an organizer, participation in collective games or activities, a change in the usual way of life.
Tendency to deviate
Single independent offenses, crimes, alcoholism.
Recommendations for parents
Find a hobby for a teenager; acknowledge his ideas, but do not intrude too much into his inner world.
The character of a teenager and his psychological changes
When a child begins to grow up, a number of changes occur to him. The character of a teenager cannot be called simple, and parents often have a hard time finding a common language with the student, but knowledge of some basic psychology will help achieve mutual understanding.
Experts assure that a teenager is characterized by certain behavior. It is at the age of 13-17 that schoolchildren cause a lot of trouble for parents and teachers. They strive to prove their independence to society.
Experts believe that it is during adolescence that character is formed. This does not mean that nothing will be laid before and after this. It's just that hormones are released during puberty. It is under the influence of changes in hormonal levels that a person becomes more sensitive, emotional and sometimes irritable. He thinks and reflects a lot. During this period, a rethinking of values occurs.
Although every person is different, there are a number of characteristics that are common to almost all teenagers. Experts conducted research, as a result of which they were able to prove that during adolescence, schoolchildren strive for individuality, but at the same time they become very similar to each other.
Adolescence is considered one of the most dangerous periods. At this time, parents need to devote as much time as possible to their children, strive to get closer to them, and be aware of all their problems. If the moment is missed, this can lead to very unpleasant consequences. High school students are very vulnerable and subject to social influence. If a son or daughter finds himself in bad company, it will be more difficult to correct the situation.
What traits are inherent in modern teenagers? The most important thing is, perhaps, the desire for independence. During this period, schoolchildren may move away from their parents. If mothers and fathers do not find the right approach to their child, the emotional gap will only widen. Some psychologists call the desire for independence “a sense of adulthood.” When a child reaches a certain age, he wants to make his own decisions. A teenager has the opportunity to observe how certain changes occur to him. He gains some experience, his body develops. This gives the right to think that now the schoolchild has equal rights with his mother and father, and can talk with them as with friends.
In order not to lose the trust of a teenager, adults really need to switch to more equal communication. An edifying tone and orders are not entirely appropriate in this case. It is necessary to show a growing person that he is taken into account, his opinion is listened to, but at the same time adults remain his parents.
Another personality trait of teenagers is excessive sensitivity to grades. We are talking not only about grades given by school teachers, but also about praise or, conversely, criticism. Sometimes incorrect remarks can cause a student to fall into deep depression. How to behave as an adult in such a situation? To prevent a child from developing a feeling of inferiority, it is necessary to avoid harsh criticism, especially if it is not entirely fair. But praise can also play a cruel joke on a teenager. It cannot be expressed for random merits. The student must clearly realize that no one will praise him just like that, that in order to achieve some goal it is necessary to work hard and make certain efforts. Excessive criticism leads to depression. The teenager may become withdrawn or even fearful. But the absence of comments creates inflated self-esteem in him. When he does have to face criticism, it will be perceived very painfully.
Modern teenagers are characterized by increased demands on adults. They often notice all the shortcomings of teachers and parents. At the same time, individual mistakes of the teacher can be discussed collectively in the class. If parents begin to notice this in their children, they need to talk to their son or daughter and explain that such behavior is not entirely correct and every person has the right to make a mistake.
Psychasthenic
These are timid, fearful, clumsy teenagers. They are characterized by physical weakness. The type is revealed most often when the child enters school and the parents are excessively demanding.
Teenagers are suspicious, characterized by self-examination and a desire for reasoning. Fears are closely related to the future. Rituals, symbols, and formalism come in defense. They become attached to one family member. They avoid peers. They are loyal, reliable, stable in mood.
Dangers
There is a risk of developing obsessive-compulsive disorder or schizophrenia.
Critical situations
Independent decision-making (choice), tasks without instructions, quick changes in activities, fear, long-term physical and mental stress.
Tendency to deviate
Not inclined.
Recommendations for parents
It is necessary to promote the child’s initiative, not to encourage a sense of responsibility. The conversation should begin by remembering and discussing his successes. If trust has been gained from the child, then you need to directly discuss all his fears with him. Find out together what this really threatens and whether it threatens. During the conversation, it is also necessary to encourage initiative (the teenager’s statements, his decision-making).
Psychological characteristics of children in adolescence
In the modern world, the concept of “teenager” evokes associations of complexity, difficulty in communication, and incomprehensibility. It is difficult for adults to understand that, being in their youth, moving from childhood to adulthood (life period of 13-15 years), a teenager feels himself already grown up, essentially remaining a child. Remaining his confidant during this difficult period for a child is a great success, although it is incredibly difficult. To do this, you need to know about those features that appear at this stage of life and shape his personality. The main action of the immediate environment (parents and friends of the older generation) is to help and assist, in other words, to be attentive to him and communicate “in his language.” At this time, the young man is in a difficult period in his life. He is forming his views and his opinion on any issue and concept.
It’s difficult for the people around you because it’s unbearably difficult for him to be with himself. He's not sure of anything. He is looking for his purpose in life, focusing only on his opinion.
Epileptoid
They are often in a state of despondency, anger, and irritation. These are explosive people. They are thrifty with things, but cruel with people and animals. They are trying to gain power. They are not flexible and stubborn. They try to break away from the family and completely cut off all ties. For company they choose weak-willed peers or younger ones. They love to be feared. However, they themselves can grovel before authoritative people.
Critical situations
Anarchy, the need for creative solutions, infringement of interests, competition, criticism, oppression.
Tendency to deviate behavior
Possible sadomasochistic tendencies, homosexuality, craving for asphyxia, drinking alcohol “to the point of blackout”, craving for destruction.
Recommendations for parents
It is important to be unhurried, sensitive, tactful, but persistent. Such a child should be entrusted with leading groups or activities. It is important to find something that distracts him from negative thoughts.
Stages of growing up
- A child, growing up, goes through three temporary stages.
- The first stage is childhood. It lasts approximately until the age of 11.
- The second stage is early adolescence. Its time period is from 11 to 14 years.
- And finally, the third stage of human maturation is senior adolescence, located in the range from 15 to 18 years.
- Between the second and third stages of growing up there is an intermediate stage, not distinguished by psychologists as a separate, middle stage - from 14 to 16.
Adolescent Psychology - Highlights
Speaking about this category of children, it should be noted that the division according to the stages of growing up is quite arbitrary.
During this time period of his life, a young man begins to gain a new awareness and motivation for his own behavior. Lead them meaningfully.
Psychologists often focus the attention of parents of children in adolescence on this conventional transitional fragment (from 14 to 16 years old) in connection with the changes occurring in them, both physiological and mental.
Because this period, called the stage of personal and professional self-determination, is the most difficult in life for a growing teenager - a boy or a girl.
The emotional sphere of adolescents and motivation
At this time, the child develops his own individual personal position on all issues and situations. It often does not agree with the views and opinions of adults, including parents, on the same situation, which leads to conflict, which may result in a loss of mutual understanding and contact relationships between them.
Causes of the crisis
The crisis period in adolescence can proceed almost unnoticed or, on the contrary, bring with it conflicts and deviant behavior. The reasons why such a difference is possible can be divided into external and internal.
Excessive guardianship and total control on the part of parents is the root cause of the crisis in the transitional age of their children
External causes of the teenage crisis include:
- excessive control of the child’s actions by parents;
- overprotection, which questions the teenager’s ability to be independent;
- dependence in relationships between family members.
Internal reasons lie in the psychological characteristics of each individual child. Personality qualities that interfere with self-affirmation and self-expression are internally perceived as serious shortcomings. There is a tendency to self-blame oneself as a failed person.
Restructuring of the body, the production of a significant amount of hormones leads to puberty, adjustment of all body systems. However, like any restructuring, it is associated with problems of adaptation to a new way of thinking and a new body, which causes behavioral problems.
Manifestations of psychological neoplasms in adolescents aged 14–16 years
In order to overcome this most difficult period of life less painfully for a family, it is necessary to understand the psychological new formations that arise in middle adolescence.
Depending on the development (maturation) of the child’s personality, neoplasms in adolescents can appear from the age of 13 and last until the age of 15.
There are several such neoplasms.
Problems communicating with peers increase sharply among teenagers
Switching your constant communication from teachers and parents to friends - classmates and peers, a little older, but who are an authority for a particular teenager. At this time, he develops skills in social interaction, that is, he learns to obey the opinions of others, but at the same time defending his rights. The consequence of this is the manifestation of two contradictions - belonging to a peer group and the desire for isolation, that is, having your own individual personal space.
Behavior during a crisis
The behavior of a teenager is characterized by traits characteristic of an adult, combined with traits possessed by a small child.
Peculiarities of behavior characteristic of adolescence:
- Refusal to study and perform household duties.
- Expressed protest behavior, which consists of truancy and running away from home.
- Imitative behavior. Imitation is expressed in the desire to be like one’s ideal adult or peer.
- Compensatory behavior. Compensating for shortcomings and inability to achieve results in a certain area of activity with achievements in another area.
- Emancipation. It manifests itself in the desire for separation from adults, independence, and the desire to solve one’s problems personally.
- There is a desire to group with peers.
- The emergence of hobbies, hobbies in which the child achieves self-expression.
- Increased interest in sexual problems, attraction to the opposite sex.
Unstable
These are weak-willed individuals who are not responsible. Disobedient, often antisocial. Although outwardly they can be quite sociable, helpful and obedient.
They don’t want to study, they are drawn to carefree pastime. They often end up in bad stories. They are attracted to everything forbidden. They are indifferent to the family. This type is formed against the background of low parental control.
Critical situations
Long-term concentration of attention and will, independent decision-making, discipline, assignments, restrictions on pleasures.
Tendency to deviate
Sexual promiscuity, antisocial behavior.
Recommendations for parents
First, have patience, tact and persistence (in the good sense of the word). Systematic exercise in sports will have a positive impact. An important condition is the unity of actions of teachers and parents.
