We will talk about the 10 rules of Nigel Latta, a practicing psychologist from New Zealand, father of two sons and author of the book “Before Your Child Drives You Crazy.” He can be called a specialist in hopeless cases. After all, Nigel dedicated his career specifically to difficult children and teenagers. At the same time, the psychologist assures that the principles of education are the same for all children. We will briefly outline these basic rules.
Nigel Latta answers the question: how to raise a child without going crazy?
Don't try to conquer chaos
It is useless to deny chaos and also useless to fight it. With the birth of a child, it will still overtake you. After all, children do not live according to the laws of adults. They create their own rules and are able to change the parent’s entire life plan. Be patient and accept the mess. He is now in your life for a long time.
“With the birth of children, the forces of chaos enter your life. At the same time, relying on some kind of schedule in your affairs is like navigating your way through a hurricane. When a strong wind blows, there is no time for routes. You need to understand this and come to terms with the inevitable. If you don't come to terms, you will fight chaos. You will complain about your failures, blame yourself and others for them, try to correct the inevitable, and be disappointed. Treat it with the calm of a true Zen Buddhist."
The most crucial period
Raising a child up to one year old. You need to know how to raise a child under one year old before he is born; this will help you avoid many mistakes. Until one year of age, the main attention is paid to the physical education of the baby. A very rapid restructuring of the body occurs. A one-month-old baby learns to lift and hold its head.
In the first month of life, a newborn still does not know how to control his limbs and often cries for some unknown reason. At two months, the baby gets used to it a little and even begins to smile at his mother.
By the third month, he already holds his head well and tries to turn to his side or from his back to his stomach. At four months, having mastered the skill of turning, the baby tries to sit up, but most often this happens at five or six months. At this stage, you cannot rush the baby. There is no need to sit him down if he does not yet know how to sit.
For a child at 8 months, the big world of the room opens up, thanks to the ability to crawl or move around in a walker. At eight months, babies stand on their feet, but do not try to walk yet. A one-year-old baby most often tries to walk on his own, using objects or the hands of his parents as support.
Raising a baby at one month is no less important than at 1 to 2 years old. Daily hygiene procedures will help improve your health: therapeutic massage, bathing with herbal decoctions, and gymnastics. It is advisable to start water procedures when the navel has healed. It is necessary to place the baby on his stomach before eating so that he learns to hold his head and to prevent regurgitation and colic.
The age of up to three months is the time when the baby’s nervous, respiratory and digestive systems adapt to a new, unfamiliar world. The baby needs close attention and care, to be pitied and carried in the arms. There is no need to deny him this. Raising a child at three months comes down to feeding, massage, gymnastics, evening bath and morning washing, walks, looking at the world around him and active speech on the part of the mother.
Raising 4 month olds involves more intense exercise.
You can use a fitball or mother's (father's) hands as a projectile. Do not forget about proper nutrition and timely introduction of complementary foods.
It is important to talk a lot with your baby; if he does not constantly hear speech addressed to him, he may start speaking late and lag behind his peers in intellectual development. Small children are rocked to sleep with a lullaby and nursery rhymes and fairy tales are told to them. If they can't answer yet, it doesn't mean they don't understand. Understanding is built into children from birth.
The eighth month, in addition to physical development, suggests the beginning of creative pursuits. You can paint with edible paints or sculpt from dough. To develop fine motor skills of the fingers, you can give paper, which the little one will happily begin to tear. Some parents start classes with Zaitsev's cubes or cards with images of letters, numbers, animals and objects.
Successful parenting up to one year always gives good results. With constant training with your baby, he will begin to walk and talk early, and will get sick less often. Such a baby has a better chance of regularly attending the nursery group, freeing up time for mom and dad to work. Therefore, mother’s efforts and work will be a solid foundation for children’s well-being. Frankly speaking, it’s a pity for the children who spend whole days in kindergarten.
Children need children's company, but even more need their mother's care and attention. Therefore, having the opportunity to work from home and pay more attention to children, be sure to use it.
How to raise a child at 1 year old? Raising a child from 1 year of age is characterized by expanding opportunities for learning and shaping the child’s character.
Don't dwell on bad behavior
Instead of constant reproaches, pay attention to the good. Praise your child and explain to him why exactly you rewarded him. This method is more effective than comments and dissatisfaction.
“If you feed something, it will grow. If you don't feed it, it will gradually fade away. It's a simple principle, but most who have trouble communicating with their children either miss it or have never thought about how or what behavior they are actually rewarding."
Concept of family and family relationships
A family is a social group that influences a person’s psychological state for the rest of his life. These are some of the most important values in life. In a family, subjects (parents) and objects (children) have certain properties and interact most of the time. Such relationships determine the physiological, psychological, and moral state of the student.
It is considered normal that a married couple, preparing to become parents, wants to give the baby all the best. The father and mother must realize that they will be responsible for the children, but repeat the behavior patterns accepted in their families. Interpersonal relationships between parents are the principles of communication that exist in children's families.
Psychological climate is the most important function of the family.
The psychology of relationships between parents and children includes:
- Mutual trust is complete peace of mind when children and parents do not doubt each other. Lack of trust becomes the main reason for the loneliness of a person entering adulthood. Perhaps the roots of the problem lie in family relationships.
- Sympathy, support. These qualities allow the child to feel calm in the company of his parents. Emotional well-being requires physical contact, primarily stroking, kissing, hugging.
- Rational assessment of activities. The attention parents pay to their child’s activities should include approval, guidance, and sympathy. Success—personal and professional—comes from joint efforts.
- Adequate requirements. The child must be clearly aware of his responsibilities and fulfill them. In families where there is no division of responsibility, children experience discomfort and are torn between the desire to please their parents and a lack of understanding of their place in the family hierarchy.
The need to evaluate activity often implies the child’s desire to feel parental understanding, support, and attention. Lack of reaction entails low self-esteem, uncertainty, the child tries to find understanding outside of family relationships, often in dangerous ways.
Never deny your child attention
The child truly craves the attention of an adult. It is important for him to know that you are really listening and looking at him, and not soaring somewhere in the clouds, thinking through your adult affairs. Show your interest and spend quality time with your child without being distracted by your phone.
“Like real piranhas that can eat a cow in a few minutes, children pounce on any attention, which they never get enough of. They are ready to do anything to be noticed, even if it harms not only others, but also themselves. <…> For piranhas, the main goal in life is to devour everything that gets in their way. For children, the main goal in life is to constantly attract the attention of others, no matter what the cost.”
Educational fairy tales. How to talk about feelings with your child
Education through fairy tales has become very popular lately. Mothers come up with fairy tales for their children depending on the situation and share them with each other on social networks. Educational fairy tales help you talk about feelings with your child, instill in him good habits, and together find a way out of difficult situations.
The ginger cat who couldn't purr
The ginger cat was a draw. Other cats hurried home in the evening to their soft cozy chairs, but this one was never in a hurry. She had no chair, no home and no owners. Of course, the red cat really wanted to have all this. But she did not even dare to dream about such a thing. The fact is that this cat did not know how to purr at all.
“I’m probably broken,” the cat thought, “or defective. No one will take me home. Every person wants to be purred. Who wants a cat that never does that?”
The cat was so embarrassed by this that she didn’t admit it to anyone. And she proudly told everyone that she lives on her own because she likes it that way.
One day a girl saw a red cat.
- Kitty Kitty Kitty! - she called. - Shall we go live with me? In my room there is a soft sofa with pillows, you will be warm and cozy there!
The cat jumped for joy, but immediately remembered her shortcoming. “As soon as she finds out that I can’t purr, she’ll immediately kick me back out onto the street,” she decided. And she answered, wagging her tail indifferently:
- No thanks! I love sleeping on a hard bench!
- Can't be! — the girl didn’t believe it. - Come on, let's go! I have chicken pate in the refrigerator! Very tasty! I'll treat you!
- No thanks! - said the cat, licking her lips. - I don't need any refrigerator! I love to hunt!
But the girl still didn’t believe her.
- I will stroke your back and scratch you behind your ear! - she promised.
No one has ever petted a ginger cat.
- Iron? - she was surprised. - How is it?
- That's it! — the girl took the cat in her arms and gently ran her hand along the back. And then something happened to the cat. It seemed to her that a little motor started up inside her.
- How wonderfully you purr! - said the girl. “Purring? I? — the cat was surprised. “I’m purring!” And then she hugged the girl by the neck:
- I really want to live with you! - said the cat. - You will stroke me, and I will purr for you!
Create boundaries for your child
Children need boundaries, otherwise they simply do not understand how to live in our big world. Clearly outline the boundaries beyond which you cannot go. Then the child will not irritate you or confuse the people around you.
“It’s the nature of children to move forward until they hit some obstacle. For some children, it’s enough just to know that an obstacle exists, others need to push against it several times with all their might, but everyone needs boundaries. A world without borders is a very dangerous and frightening place for a small person.”
A number of mistakes made by parents in the process of raising their children
Sometimes parents insist on their own, forcing them to do things that the child does not like. “Do what they ask you, otherwise your parents will stop loving you” - these words can often be heard from tortured parents when the child is stubborn and does not want to fulfill the demands of adults. According to adults, it is useless to convince a child of something and have a heart-to-heart talk with them. He still doesn't give in to persuasion.
Advice for parents from a psychologist
Let's listen to the opinion of psychologists on the words of parents “if you do not fulfill my request, then I will stop loving you.” According to experts, children take this threat very seriously.
- Firstly, deception is not the best method of putting pressure on a child. And such a threat is precisely a deception.
- Secondly, such a statement is unlikely to have a positive effect on your child. It's better not to deceive your child. Try replacing this threatening phrase with another, for example this one: “I will always love you, but I don’t like your behavior, it makes me very sad.”
Parental support is the most important thing for a child.
Another not very good phrase that is used with children in order to reason with them: “I’m much older than you, I’m dad (mom). It will still be as I say.” Many adults believe that being strict with the younger generation is the best option for upbringing. Parents are much older and more experienced than their children, so they are always right. If you indulge a little person, he will finally “sit on his head” and will not fulfill requests coming from adults.
What will child psychology experts say to this? When completing tasks from adults, motivation is important for children; he must know that his efforts will be properly rewarded. The little person needs to be convinced that he is not trying in vain. If you treat children too strictly, this can lead to a situation where the child will listen and fulfill your requests only in your presence. But when there is no one at home, the baby will engage in sabotage, doing everything to upset the parents. A strict attitude is of course necessary, but you shouldn’t go too far. If you don’t have time to persuade your child, promise that you will definitely reward him for his work later, if he does all the work.
Take whims seriously
Pay attention to your child's behavior and whims. In this way he expresses what he is not yet able to say in words. Every gesture, grimace and antics of your child is an appeal to you or a protest. Just be careful.
“Behavior is simply a form of communication. Climbing out of a window at night and running away from home is a kind of saying. Children are much more willing to express their thoughts and feelings through behavior than through words. The main reason is that they still have few words. They have a lot of feelings, but they don’t yet know how to choose the right words and expressions to express these feelings.”
Creating the atmosphere of the game
Children sense tension between parents and other family members. Try to create a relaxed, friendly atmosphere at home. Where everyone is interesting to each other and does not cause discomfort. Exchange news, communicate in a humorous manner and be one team.
“Liking, as well as the general tone of relations between family members, can be judged by the spirit of playfulness and play present in the house. Ease and playfulness are a kind of lubricant of family life, without which its wheels and gears will turn with difficulty. When I see that there are strict, tense relationships between family members, I immediately begin to worry.”
Allow your child to argue with you
It’s normal to argue and defend your opinion. Teach your child how to conduct constructive dialogue and discussion by example. Then you won't end up with a typical, foaming-at-the-mouth debater.
“At the same time, you don’t need to be a dictator who suppresses the slightest signs of disagreement. It is natural to disagree and argue. Showing disrespect is another matter. Arguing proves that you are doing your job as parents. They show that children are growing up and that they have their own opinions about everything.”
Be consistent
You may not always be able to act logically and correctly. Therefore, when making this or that decision regarding his life, just try to control yourself.
“For me, consistency means that I consistently avoid the urge to throw my kids out the window, and that’s in a relatively good mood. Everything else is relative. Everything, even consistency—especially consistency.”
Authoritarian parenting produces infantile people
Act intelligently
Try to plan ahead how you will raise your child. What actions and decisions may be required of you in the future. What are you hypothetically willing to do, and what do you completely disagree with?
“The only thing that happens unexpectedly is surprises. It is unlikely that you will want to rely on chance in raising your children. I've seen parents leave things to chance—you'd better not do that again. It’s much better to approach parenting purposefully, with a specific plan of action.”
Methods
Educational methods are those methods by which the purposeful influence of an adult (parent, educator, teacher, relative, psychologist) is carried out on the consciousness and behavior of children.
The choice of parenting methods largely depends on age. For example, to organize the activities of preschoolers, it is more advisable to use illustrations, and for older ones - instructions.
Learn to listen to your child
An extremely important and irreplaceable rule. Build a trusting relationship with your child. Try to have open dialogues on any topic and always listen to him. Your child, no less than others, needs respect and full communication on an equal basis with the adults around him.
“Communication, or lack thereof, is at the root of most intrafamily conflicts. In my office, I saw many people who shouted at each other for hours, and yet none of them even tried to listen to anything other than their own voice. If you can't communicate properly with your children, then you're just asking for trouble in the family."
Review of the book by Nigel Latta
Styles
Much depends on the parenting style adopted in the family.
Authoritarian style (autocratic, dominant, dictatorial)
A characteristic feature is the strictest discipline and the unquestionable authority of parents, with whom one cannot argue. They place too high demands on their children and begin to prepare them for adulthood early. In such families, adherence to clear, unquestionable traditions is valued above all else. Yes, you can raise an obedient child in this style, but at the same time he will grow up lacking initiative, depressed and passive-aggressive, and in adolescence he will easily succumb to the influence of others, since he will not have his own opinion.
Liberal (permissive, indulgent, hypoprotective)
Education takes place in a friendly, warm atmosphere. Too trusting relationships are established between adults and young family members when there are no prohibitions and restrictions. This is fraught with the absence of boundaries and established rules that cannot be violated. Children begin to feel that they can communicate in this style with any adult. Outside the home, they will try to control and manipulate others. This interferes with the formation of positive self-esteem and social development.
Democratic (authoritative, collaborative style)
The main thing in a democratic educational system is care, emotional support, attention, consistency, fairness, and sincerity on the part of parents. In such families, adults and children spend a lot of time together, but at the same time everyone has their own personal space, which is respected by others. Everyone has certain rights, but they are necessarily subject to general rules. If you want to raise a successful child, this is the best option. He will grow up obedient, but not dependent on other people's opinions, as happens with an authoritarian style.
Chaotic (inconsistent)
Today, parents strictly punish for the most minor offense and do not allow children to go out later than 9 pm. Tomorrow, carried away by their problems, they forget all their demands, let go of the reins and are not at all interested, even after 22.00, whether the children are at home. Or another example of a similar parenting style: dad doesn’t allow you to eat chips, and mom brings a huge pack from the store. As a result of the absence of a unified system, one of the basic needs of the individual for clear boundaries and stability is leveled out. Over time, this leads to social maladjustment.
Caregiver (child-centered, hypercustody)
Excessive guardianship and suppression of any attempts at independence and freedom on the part of parents lead to the formation of social and personal immaturity. The consequences are laziness, passivity, infantilism, uncertainty, and fear of mistakes. Tight control forces the child to cheat and lie.
These styles of family education clearly demonstrate how large the role of parents is in this process. They must self-reflect, see their mistakes and correct them in a timely manner in order to prevent distortions in the development of the child’s personality.
