What is “charm”: concept, 7 main components

Have you ever noticed that in almost any team or friendly company there is a person who becomes the center of attraction for others? He may not be the most beautiful, or the strongest, or even the smartest, but everyone revolves around him like planets revolve around the Sun. Everyone wants to talk to him, they are drawn to him, they ask his opinion. Compared to such people, handsome and smart people may seem ordinary and insipid.

We usually call such people charming. But we can’t always explain, what does this mean? Is this an innate ability or does it take some effort to become the life of the party? What human qualities does a charming person actually have?

The meaning of the word "charm"

To understand these issues, let's start with the meaning of the word. The explanatory dictionaries of Ushakov and Ozhegov give absolutely the same definition as “attractive power, charm.” But this does not explain where this force comes from or how it acts.

Let's continue our research and look into Semenov's etymological dictionary of the Russian language. It turns out that the word “charm” comes from the ancient Russian “bayati” - “to speak, to conjure.” Literally, to charm means to bewitch with words, to speak.

The word “charm,” which is similar in meaning, comes from the French language and is translated as “enchantment.” And the word “charisma,” which is sometimes used to replace “charm,” has its origins in the ancient Greek χάρισμα, which means “gift” or “grace.”

It seems that everything is nearby, but there is one nuance: in Russian the word comes from a verb, from an action that is required for those around you to fall under your “spell.” Does this mean that a person who can talk incessantly can be called charming? Of course not. Therefore, we are looking further.

Let's look at another source that explains the meaning and meaning of words - an encyclopedic dictionary. He is more generous with details. Here's what it says: charm is a human ability:

• attract to oneself;
• to have a good attitude;
• charm and conquer people.

Moreover, an explanation is immediately given that it is not easy to conquer, but “with your virtues, manners, intelligence, words, kindness, appearance.” It turns out that this is not some kind of magical gift, but an ability. So you can learn this if you make manners, intelligence, appearance your virtues?

What are the benefits of charm?

Obviously, charm is a useful trait. A charming person can be much happier and more successful thanks to the fact that almost all the people around him like him. If we get more specific, we can identify 3 most significant advantages that charming personalities have:

1. General goodwill. Almost any door is open to a charming person; he is welcome in any company and team. Thanks to his positivity, almost everyone likes him. People are happy to get close to him, become his friends or enter into romantic relationships with him.
2. Success in career and personal life. This is what every person dreams of, because it’s not for nothing that this combination is so often found in toasts and wishes. Indeed, a charming person is usually liked by colleagues and superiors, and thanks to his optimism, he is usually a really good specialist, thanks to which he quickly moves up the career ladder. It is also obvious that a charming guy or girl will easily find a mate and be able to build a good relationship without quarrels and unnecessary drama.
3. Opportunity to become a leader. Of course, not everyone has such ambitions, but still many people would not refuse to take a leadership position in a large company or succeed in politics. And charm helps a lot in such things. A charming person quickly moves up the career ladder, and if he founds a social movement, then a large number of people are imbued with his ideas.

There are no drawbacks to charm, but you need to keep in mind that it is not always perceived unambiguously. What attracts some may irritate others. The cause most often is simple jealousy. For example, if an attractive girl gets all the attention from guys, this can annoy her friends. And if a charismatic guy becomes the “life of the party,” not everyone may like this either.

Charm and beauty

Image makers are interested in the secrets of attractiveness from the point of view of specialists. They believe that beauty and charm are different levels of personality: beauty is an external category, more evaluative, rather a matter of personal taste, and charm is an internal and emotional concept. Therefore, in order to be charming, external beauty is not so important.

It is enough to recall such ordinary and such unique Edith Piaf, Juliet Masina, Annie Girardot and Faina Georgievna Ranevskaya. All these women have no external attractiveness, but how charming they are on stage and in life, how bewitching their voices sound, how witty their statements are and how beautiful their smiles are!

And how many ugly, but very charming men can be found among famous personalities: Adriano Celentano and Jean-Paul Belmondo, Russian actors Konstantin Khabensky and Viktor Sukhorukov.

Beautiful or charming appearance

Charm is considered a personality quality that serves as a kind of “magnet” for people around you. And most of those who do not have this trait are interested in how to become a charming person who is able to attract attention.

It is worth noting that charm (or charm, charisma, attractiveness, charm) is a quality that can be “developed.” That is, those who do not consider themselves charming need only work on themselves and, as a result, become more attractive in the eyes of others. To do this, you just need to find out what factors help develop charisma and how to combine them correctly.

And in order to understand how to develop charm, you need to figure out what we tend to pay attention to first when looking at another person. Undoubtedly, we initially evaluate the appearance (hair, facial features, eyes, smile) of the opponent. But this does not mean that people should dress and look like models from glossy magazines. In fact, assessing another person occurs somewhat differently.

We recommend: How do you express sympathy?

The concept of “beauty” contains several aspects of personality. First of all, it is naturalness, natural attractiveness and prettiness. In addition, the ability to emphasize the advantages of one’s figure and appearance is another important factor on which the degree of charm and charisma of a person (in particular, a woman) depends.

Psychology of charm

The secret of attractiveness has always interested people who want to attract the sympathy of others. This issue is studied by psychologists and human behavior analysts.

Not long ago, a book by Jack Shaffer, who was involved in behavioral analysis at the FBI, was published, “Turn on the Charm.” In it, he tries to break this quality down into its components and give advice on how to win over a person and inspire confidence in him. Shaffer believes that charm is a derivative of friendship, which consists of four elements: proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity of meetings. The hardest first step is to close the distance and gain sympathy. This will allow you to further transform sympathy into trust and make the relationship closer. To do this, the author suggests using facial expressions, gestures, certain postures, and other nonverbal signals of openness and friendliness.

But this is still not the same. There should be sincerity in charm, not pretense; naturalness, not practiced gestures; real open interest in a person, rather than a rational understanding of his usefulness. It was not for nothing that the writer A. Maurois said that “charm is the ease of feelings, just as grace is the ease of movement.”

What is the secret of charm?

I recently had lunch with my colleague David. Then we picked up his clothes from the dry cleaner together. There I felt like I was walking into Arnold's with Fonzie [the character from the sitcom Happy Days]. — Esquire]: already from the threshold we were greeted with exclamations of delight; They shook our hands and patted us on the back. One of the dry cleaners dropped his half-ironed shirts and came out of the back room to hug David. He greeted everyone by name, asked everyone how their kids were doing, teased someone about how his football team had screwed up at the last game - and then we left. It seems that David finally gave everyone a thumbs up. In a couple of minutes, he managed to brighten up everyone's day, make it a little brighter. He encouraged everyone. Everyone except me. I felt terrible.

Like David, I've been going to this dry cleaner periodically for the past five years (it's located near our office). Unlike David, I had no idea what the names of the dry cleaning employees were, much less what team they supported. I'm pretty sure they didn't even recognize me. And until now I didn't care at all. Perhaps your trips to the dry cleaner - or the corner store, the pub, whatever - are similar to mine. I usually state my demands, release the money and move on with my business. It's not that I'm being unkind. But my social skills don't extend to strangers. Do I want to make friends with dry cleaning employees? Come on, it's nonsense. I want them to take my dirty shirts and return them clean. And I’m ready to pay them for it. Still, wouldn’t it be great to have at least a little bit of my colleague’s charm?

Wherever you go with David, it’s the same thing. Let me explain: David is sociable, cheeky, Scottish, kind, thoughtful, funny, gallant, frivolous, goofy, likes to drink, can't drink, a goofball and a really, really great conversationalist (perhaps too good: we used to sit in the office at neighboring tables, and after a couple of weeks I had to buy noise-cancelling headphones - my work was at a standstill). Whenever a new intern arrived at the company, he would spend as much time getting to know him as he did with the boss when he graced us with his presence. In the summer, David bought popsicles for the entire office.

And then there are people like my neighbor Paul. Paul is not like David. If you tell Paul about the best band that played at a music festival, he will say that he heard it on the radio and it’s not worth a penny. If Paul sees you taking out the trash, he will tell you that you took the wrong route - the other way is much faster. If you tell Paul that the weather is wonderful, he will answer: no, you are mistaken, it will rain soon. Paul looks like Mr. Stubborn from the Mister Man books [a series of children's books by author Roger Hargreaves. - Esquire]. He is the complete opposite of David. It is impossible to communicate with him without irritation. For a conversation to be pleasant, the interlocutors must think in the same direction. Unless someone expresses particularly dubious views... and even then, don't most of us grudgingly listen to racist remarks from a taxi driver, and then "punishment" deprive him of his tip? And at the same time, we do not get involved in an argument, we do not fight for justice - in general, it is better to agree with the interlocutor, even if you disagree with him, if you understand what I mean.

"Great day!" - “But no.”

He's quite a talker, isn't he?

And so I wondered why David and Paul were so different from each other. And, as for me, the difference is in charm. Do I want to be like David? Not really. I think it's tiring. He doesn't work at Esquire anymore, but he comes by sometimes to check on us and before he gets past the reception desk, someone stops him to chat. Usually girls stop him (David and girls are a different story. I wouldn’t mind being like him here). But what I definitely don't want is to be like Paul. Paul is an asshole. The theory that some people have charm and others don't got me thinking. How is it that strangers really, truly like you, evoke an emotional response from them, and they, in turn, really like you? Why suddenly? Maybe it's innate, like good teeth and curly hair? Or can this be learned? Is there some pretense in charm?

I was an only child in the family and for many years I was shy about everything in the world. I remember I couldn’t pay at the store because it was so scary to involve the clerk in a simple transaction (and no, I didn’t take things to the dry cleaner in those days). My mother raised me mostly alone, since my father was absent for many months in a row - he went to sea. That's why my parents sent me to boarding school - they decided that a more intense social life would somehow prevent me from turning into a mama's boy. The idea turned out to be partly successful: since then I have had a small but close circle of friends, including two or three very good, very close friends. But I've never been Mr. Popular. I always felt happiest when I was alone - when I drew comics, made small magazines, or read books about football like Shoot! I haven't changed much since then. Perhaps, he just became easier to communicate with, like all other people - as they say, he matured.

But my job regularly requires me to have lunch with new people or attend functions, where I am often seated next to strangers. At first, such voluntary-compulsory events terrified me, but now I even look forward to them. An hour and a half conversation with a couple of people I'm seeing for the first time in my life? Why not. Not such a tragedy! Sometimes it's even fun. At least it's not fatal. However, I do not flatter myself for a moment that I have charmed the entire table. But at least I didn't bore anyone (I hope I didn't. It's better to ask them). I'm guessing most people can relate to this experience (David in my place would immediately add one or two recent strangers on Instagram and disappear towards the restroom with the most beautiful interlocutor. Paul would have had an argument with the waiter and left before desserts).

Charm seems to be a characteristic of men. It's rare to hear about charming women. Princes are charming. Princesses have other virtues. Famous charmers include people like George Clooney, Barack Obama and Cary Grant. Note that they are all good looking, which, although it adds to their charm, is not a mandatory factor. After all, both John Major and Winston Churchill, who cannot be called handsome, were considered charming. It is known that Bill Clinton “illuminates” any room wherever he enters. People note the power of his attractive personality - he makes the interlocutor feel like the one and only. So was Nelson Mandela. And Steve Jobs. On the other hand, is it charm or charisma? There is a difference. Charisma is “the ability to please people, attract them, interest them,” while charisma is “an irresistible attraction or charm that can inspire people’s devotion.” Charm/charisma is not always used for good. Adolf Hitler, Charles Manson and Oswald Mosley [founder of the British Union of Fascists. - Esquire] were charismatic and charming. There is something similar about Donald Trump - otherwise why did half of America vote for him?

The world has never experienced a shortage of charming maniacs. Thus, contractor John Wayne Gacy from Illinois, “Man of the Year” according to the “junior” US Chamber of Commerce, entertained children in a Pogo clown costume, took photographs with First Lady Rosalynn Carter and in the seventies killed thirty-three teenage boys, most of whom he buried yourself under the house. Kenneth Z. Taylor, a popular New Jersey dentist, abandoned his first wife, tried to kill his second, severely beat his third on their honeymoon in 1983, beat her to death a year later, and visited his parents and second wife while his next wife lay dead. in the trunk of his car, and then announced that he was only defending himself: his wife allegedly attacked him when he “caught” her indecent acts against their baby. Dr. Hannibal Lecter, played by Anthony Hopkins, Mads Mikkelsen, Brian Cox and others, is pure charm. And there’s even a hit song dedicated to Patrick Bateman.

In his 1941 book, The Mask of Sanity, psychologist and researcher Hervey M. Cleckley describes psychopaths in terms such as "insight and alertness of mind," "speaks with verve," and "rare charm." In his recent work “Deprived of Conscience. The Frightening World of Psychopaths" Professor Robert Hare draws our attention to the fact that "there are at least two million psychopaths in North America, and among the citizens of New York there are as many as one hundred thousand - and this is a conservative estimate. Psychopathy is not at all a rare, exotic illness that is the preserve of a few; this is an issue that actually affects all of us.” Dr. Hare writes not about maniacs cutting up waitresses with an angle grinder to the music of Huey Lewis and the News, but about white-collar workers with psychopathic tendencies - people who abuse charm for their own purposes and literally go over their heads to success. When it comes down to it, American Psycho is nothing more than a satire on capitalist society.

All this thinking gave me a headache, and I decided that I would rather talk to an expert. Dr Rayna Brands is Associate Professor of Organizational Behavior at London Business School and lectures on charm and charisma. We met in her bright office on the third floor. What caught my eye was a computer with a dual monitor and a treadmill. Dr. Brands herself turned out to be a very charming person. She laughed at my story about David and Paul (“It sounds like your neighbor is a very unpleasant guy”) and noted that much of what I said could be explained by the fact that some people simply have good social skills. In her opinion, charm and charisma most often arise in the eye of the beholder. Your brain's neural network decides that such and such a person excites you emotionally, after which you yourself project the expected qualities onto him. You become attached to him, and therefore you fall under his influence.

“Charm is an indefinable quality,” she said.

To aid our survival, evolution has divided us into groups, and our differences in temperament serve social purposes. It is easier for people to interact when there are leaders and followers among them, so very popular people find themselves in the center of the circle, while others try to please them. There is also such a thing as self-monitoring: people behave differently, adapting to specific circumstances. It's pretty obvious: you're on the doorstep of the pub on a Friday night and you're on the phone with your lovely mum - two different people. But Dr. Brands argues that individuals with strong self-monitoring abilities are better at adapting to context and are often perceived as unusually charming, thanks to their chameleon-like ability to win over a variety of people in a variety of situations.

The secret of charm is empathy. David found it easy to get along with dry cleaning employees and office interns because he genuinely liked them, remembered details of their lives and asked about them the next time they met. Such interest is extremely flattering. And it is extremely difficult to portray (by the way, in the nineteenth century, Winston Churchill’s mother, socialite Jenny Jerome, once dined with the leader of the British opposition, William Gladstone, and the next evening with his political rival, Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli. Later, Jerome wrote about the impression each of these men made on her: "Having dined with Mr. Gladstone, I remained convinced that he was the smartest man in England. But having dined with Mr. Disraeli, I decided that I was the smartest woman in England." defeated Gladstone in the 1874 election).

“Everyone is at the center of their own universe, and most of your conversations are about yourself,” Dr. Brands said. “So when someone gives you their full attention, you start to like them.” It is not so important whether you are sincerely interested in the interlocutor or just pretending - the main thing is that he himself considers your interest genuine.

I wondered why women were almost never described as charming, and cited the example of the famous room lighting designer Bill Clinton and his seemingly clinically unlucky wife Hillary.

“An interesting observation,” Brands said (which made me pretty happy).

Dr. Brands studied gender bias in charisma, and her findings were disappointing to say the least:

— Charisma is a leadership quality, and leadership is a male stereotype. Women are not recognized as good leaders,” she explained. “They are subject to much higher demands.” There is something heroic in charisma and charm, an element of visionaryness, which is also a very masculine stereotype. This is a very gendered concept.

This means that people have nothing against Hillary, but as soon as she reaches for power, they turn against her (as you know, during the last elections she aroused no less hatred among women than among men). This is because leadership requires so many masculine qualities: dominance, assertiveness, visionary, domineering - all of these traits are considered shortcomings in a woman. During the debate on American television, Hillary was forced to restrain herself, since anger on her part was unacceptable, although, God knows, there were many provocations. Her opponent, Donald Trump, could afford dominance and a very clear, very patriotic slogan - “Let's make America great again.” For Clinton, a similar strategy was not available to her because of her gender.

Brands explained that Bill Clinton could make a joke or get intimate with someone without anyone questioning his competence, whereas women must make a compromise between warmth and competence.

“As soon as a woman shows warmth, she is immediately considered incompetent, and if she is competent, she is immediately considered a bitch.”

I asked Brands about psychopaths. The book "Deprived of Conscience" provides a list of character traits that give their owner a certain superficial charm. Most psychopaths are self-centered, unscrupulous, deceitful and manipulative. Their emotions are shallow, and most importantly, they lack empathy. “Psychopaths are often witty and well-spoken, which gives them a favorable image in the eyes of others,” the book states. “They are often very pleasant and charming.” When one psychopath, serving time for a variety of crimes including robbery, rape and forgery, was asked if he had any weaknesses, he replied: “I have no weaknesses. Although, perhaps I am too responsive."

Taking on the role of devil's advocate, I inquired whether psychopathy brought financial benefits. Since such qualities allow a person to succeed in the corporate world, if he does not spend his leisure time chasing people with a cleaver, then perhaps in some circumstances his behavior can be considered appropriate?

Brands looked at me with disappointment.

“I would never advise anyone to hire a psychopath,” she said. “It’s no secret that psychopaths make up a significant percentage of prisoners, but they are also disproportionately present in the corporate world. Interestingly, psychotherapy only makes them more sophisticated psychopaths. Thanks to it, they begin to understand even better the thinking and motivations of people.

in the corporate world , and at the same time he is the most charming person of all my acquaintances. His work is based on charm. And when it comes to charming an audience, he is inimitable. His name is James Massey and he is the managing director of the prestigious PR firm The Massey Partnership. His clientele is exclusively in the luxury industry and luxury tourism - luxury hotels, fine watches, handmade shoes, Savile Row tailors, and a brand that produces the world's finest knickers. Well, you understand. James's job requires him to convince glossy magazines like ours, which, as seen in The Devil Wears Prada, sometimes employ cranky, quirky fashion types (not Esquire, of course - we're all great guys), to write about his clients, who (according to my assumptions) can be just as demanding, and sometimes not only capricious and peculiar, but also Italian. It's not a job, it's a nightmare.

However, in my memory, James never lost heart. He appears at every meeting of ours every minute (I know this because when, drenched in sweat, I rush into the restaurant, the head waiter is already seating him at a table). He is always superbly dressed and prefers button-down blazers and highly polished moccasins. Instead of emailing something like, “Hi, how are you?”, he sends double-sided thank-you notes, handwritten with an impressively sharp fountain pen on teal paper from the best stationers in Westminster. Needless to say, he has impeccable manners? Of course, Massey would never stoop to calling himself charming. Nevertheless, I was interested in his opinion on a given topic.

— I think, by and large, it’s easy to communicate with a charming person. The main thing is to be sensitive to people,” he told me. - And also enjoy the communication yourself. In my opinion, this is the whole point. I think you need to be attentive to details and definitely kind. When talking to a waiter, you need to show the same kindness, respect and attention as if you were talking to the president. In my opinion, “turn on the charm” is a terrible expression. It couldn't be worse. Pretense is easy to spot. Unnatural behavior looks like sycophancy.

James agreed that charm and charisma are not the same thing.

“Charismatics just need to enter a room and they immediately find themselves in the center of attention. People are drawn to them. But, in my opinion, many charismatics are real bastards at heart. While charm, in my opinion, manifests itself in the context of personal relationships in a couple or in a small group of people.

(Introverts' lack of charm is a myth. Think about it: a loudmouth with a tin-throated throat is rarely charming.)

When imagining Massey’s colleagues (and certainly people from the world of fashion journalism), it is common to imagine editors or PR whiners pounding their fists on the table and bursting with anger because some little thing does not meet their high standards.

“I think everyone has their own approach,” James said diplomatically. - But, in my opinion, people are unlikely to give their all for the sake of a person who causes them antipathy. At least on a permanent basis.

Is it fun to be a nice guy?

- Well, yes. In my opinion, it used to be extremely unfashionable. But being a super-aggressive, screaming Italian PR guy isn't cool anymore. I believe life is too short to be an asshole. Such a life cannot be enjoyable, right? There are a lot of horrors in the world even without our tricks.

If you Google the word “charm” (and your humble journalist’s research is famously conscientious), the search results most often come across certain “charm schools.” We are not talking about boarding schools for noble maidens, teaching girls to walk with a stack of books on their heads, like the one where Princess Diana, sent there by her father, failed all her exams (although, oddly enough, they still exist), but about courses that promise to teach you to all the secrets of love science. Apparently, such schools, firstly, are aimed almost exclusively at foreign students, and secondly, they cost exorbitant amounts of money. It seems that in our modern understanding, charm is associated with the art of seduction, and, contrary to all the above points of view, it can be learned.

Many years ago, magazines like ours were full of advice (and a couple of magazines, sadly, still print them) on how to pull out a chair for a lady, what utensils to use to eat soup (with a spoon), and so on. Titles of books such as “The Charisma Myth: Learn the Art of Personal Charm” (“International bestseller!”) promise similar content. “Charismatics seem to enjoy life to the fullest: they have a greater choice of romantic partners, earn more, and are less stressed,” writes author Olivia Fox Cabane.

“Charisma attracts people to you, makes them trust you, seeks your guidance... it makes people want to do for you exactly what you need them to do.” Chapter after chapter is devoted to life hacks and tips, the importance of body language - for example, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology Media Lab once conducted an experiment and concluded that it was possible to predict the outcome of negotiations, telephone sales and business plan presentations with 87% accuracy based on the body language of participants, and that what they say out loud can be ignored altogether - as well as combating negative thoughts that cause anxiety and prevent you from presenting yourself in the best light at business lunches. How to live comfortably outside your comfort zone. How to find your own “corner of happiness.”

Stephen Bailey, a renowned design expert and author of several books, writes more insightfully about charm: “Charm is mysterious, romantic and attractive,” he suggests. “It’s an elusive but irresistible resource.” With the help of charm, you can create favorable situations and get out of unpleasant ones safely. Charmless bores are certainly at a disadvantage in the corporate world, where personality overshadows qualifications, where appearance and general favor are important. So why is the essence of this phenomenon so incomprehensible to us? Trying to understand the nature of charm is like trying to hug a frog.”

Jokes cannot be charming (in his words, “a charming person is a person who laughs at your jokes”). Empathy is charming. Listening skills. Never complain. Never. Nothing impresses people more than the illusion of your undivided interest. Be prepared to beg: “Tell me in more detail how you yourself drew up the documents for the purchase and sale of a basement apartment in Chigwell.”

Bailey traces the history of charm back to the time when the word "gentleman" came to denote a certain social status - above yeoman, but below esquire. Caricatured gentlemen soon became common characters in Shakespeare's plays, and by 1630, influenced by books like Richard Brathwaite's The English Gentleman, people began to associate the word with a specific literary and social type. A true gentleman was considered a man whose personality opened up greater opportunities for him than those that belonged to him by birth and class. But Bailey concludes that charm can be both a virtue and a vice.

In business, as in love, charmers act alone. Charm is one of the most effective methods of persuasion, a legitimate way to gain an unfair advantage, he argues, paraphrasing advertising legend Maurice Saatchi, who described creativity in a similar way. In the world, and especially in America, it is still customary to admire the characters of scammers. They first began to write about them with delight back in 1849 - oh, how charmingly they charm passersby, convincing them to part with their pocket watches, and disappear forever. Where do the legs of such admiration come from? The fact is that the fraudster, at first glance, embodies the image of a purposeful person who knows how to make his way in life. That's right: we take our hats off to Fagin as an inspired, enterprising - and charming - genius.

Does my colleague David consider himself charming? I called him and asked him directly about it. It is curious that, according to him, he just recently discussed this topic with his parents. They said that they had no idea what happened to him, because until the age of ten he was terribly shy. But David understood what had happened. He had moved to a new school, and some of the bigger kids were jealous of how much attention the girls (those girls again!) were giving him. Anticipating that he was in danger of being thrashed, David learned to be funny, to clown around and entertain his classmates with stupid jokes (he notes that his father had a sharp tongue, and this also came in handy).

On the eve of big business events, say an important presentation or meeting, he is often so nervous that he lies awake all night, but when it comes down to it, he does what he did in school: he tries his best to make everyone feel at ease. plate and enjoyed it.

“I’m turning into the fucking town jester,” he said.

This also explains his compassion towards new trainees. He remembers what it was like to be in their shoes, and has still not forgotten who treated him kindly and who did not treat him well. According to him, he can’t bear the thought that the guys may not find a place for themselves due to awkwardness, so he will definitely approach them and cheer them up with a non-binding conversation.

Recently David and a friend had dinner at a restaurant. There were not enough staff and there were too many customers and their orders were mixed up. When a friend attacked the waiter, David reprimanded him.

“I felt terribly uneasy,” he told me. — I wanted the waiter to feel comfortable. I say to my friend: “Stop complaining, you can see what situation they’re in, they’re paid seven pounds an hour.” But he didn’t want to put himself in their position, like since he pays, at least the grass won’t grow. I have never heard anyone scold a stranger so callously.

This is not to say that David was always a perfect altruist. At school, his friends noticed his behavior, which they called the “Cook Method.” David once gave the head cook of the school canteen a box of chocolates for Christmas.

“I don’t know if it was a sign of charm,” he said. - At that time it seemed so to me. But all my friends called me a pervert.

And yet, deep down, David knew exactly what he was doing.

“I answered: “But next year they will give me more potatoes than you.” And the next year they actually gave me more potatoes.

While working on this article, I had the opportunity to talk with an employee of the School of Life, an organization that conducts lessons and therapeutic sessions on the development of emotional intelligence. By coincidence, the school was just preparing a theme evening called “How to Become Sociable” and promised to tell you what charm is and how to learn it. I emailed their employee named Sarah Byrne and she was kind enough to invite me to come.

“Thank you so much, Gemma,” I typed back—and then noticed my mistake.

“Sorry, Sarah,” I hastily wrote after him, then added: “My charm needs serious work.”

“It’s okay,” she responded. - Ha ha."

What does it mean to be charming

Some conclusions can be drawn:

1. Charm is not necessarily associated with external beauty.
2. It cannot be feigned, false and hypocritical.
3. It is impossible to imagine that a rude, tactless, closed or enslaved person, with a callous, cynical soul and emptiness inside, would be considered charming.

A charming person is a person who is friendly, open, sociable, pure in thoughts, with a sincere, spiritual smile and clear, kind eyes. This is a person with self-esteem, but not arrogance, who will never humiliate or offend his interlocutor.

Women's charm deserves special mention. After all, every girl or woman wants to attract attention, wants to be liked. But not everyone is given a bright appearance, and this is not necessary. If you are well-groomed from head to toe, if you combine calm confidence with natural sincerity, and a soft smile and friendly look are emphasized by smooth movements and a subtle sense of humor, then you will not go unnoticed in any society.

What does charm consist of?

As we have already found out, this is an individual trait that for each person is formed from many personal characteristics. At the same time, 7 components of charm can be named as the most significant:

1. Sincerity. Any person feels falsehood and pretense. He may be pleased with flattering words, but he understands that absolute honesty cannot be expected from such an interlocutor. A charming person is always sincere, he directly says everything he thinks, without fear of offending you with the truth. Sometimes his remarks can be caustic, but intuitively we feel that such a person can be trusted.
2. Sociability. A charming person is open to communication. He is cheerful and carefree, and will not refuse to listen to you, citing being busy. At the same time, he does not enter into arguments and treats criticism addressed to him good-naturedly. He is definitely not the type who will remember a poorly spoken phrase and will regularly remind you of how you hurt his feelings. Communicating with him is easy and pleasant, since you don’t have to carefully select words that won’t offend him.
3. Optimism. It's no secret that optimists evoke much more sympathy than pessimists. At the same time, it is a positive attitude that adds charm, but not excessive and unsupported self-confidence. A charming person is always determined to succeed, does not give up after the slightest failure and does not criticize others for mistakes, which is what others like.
4. Sense of humor. Everyone loves appropriate and timely jokes that can defuse the situation and improve their mood. Therefore, a person with a good sense of humor is valued in any company. In addition, everyone likes people who are not offended by jokes directed at themselves, because this is an important component of a sense of humor.
5. Empathy. The ability to empathize shows others that you care about them, or at least are interested in them. That is why a person endowed with empathy finds it easier to find a common language both with close people and with complete strangers.
6. Simplicity. Perhaps everyone is familiar with the saying “Keep it simple, and people will reach out to you.” Indeed, simplicity is one of the key elements of charm. People like those who are simple and easy to be with. Of course, we are not talking about narrow-mindedness or simple-mindedness. Simplicity means that a person does not try to rise above others and does not pose as an aristocrat.
7. Self-sufficiency. It’s nice to communicate with a strong and self-sufficient person who is able to cope with any problems on her own. Such people never appear at the wrong time, do not impose themselves, do not ask for favors, do not create problems or put you in an uncomfortable position.

It is worth noting that you can be charming without having all of the listed qualities. And yet, each of them can significantly increase charm, and the presence of all seven will make almost any person popular and in demand, regardless of his appearance and other characteristics.

How to learn charm

Charming people have some advantages in various life situations: they are more often forgiven for mistakes, they are trusted more, they listen more attentively, and they are more likely to meet people halfway. Such natural charm makes life much easier, opening closed doors and the hearts of others to a person. Is it possible to learn this and take advantage of these opportunities?

Today, such a quality can help in increasing social status or achieving power; this issue is dealt with by special services and professional image makers. Therefore, a lot of books, programs, lessons appear that promise to reveal some incredible secret of charm. It seems that it’s worth reading a few books, going through a couple of trainings or psychological programs, and everyone can become “the most charming and attractive.” Most likely this is not the case.

It will probably be difficult to fully master all the qualities of a charming person, but it is quite possible to become more free and liberated, to master “technical” ways of influencing others: facial expressions, gestures, intonations.

First of all, it is worth mastering successful communication skills. In The Power of Charm, Brian Tracy recommends the following:

• listen to your interlocutor carefully - it is better to listen more and talk less;
• do not lose eye contact during a conversation;
• control your body language;
• learn to pause and adapt to the style and pace of your interlocutor’s speech;
• there is no need to give advice unless asked for it;
• smile;
• prepare for the conversation in advance.

Charm is a sea of ​​positive energy splashed out into the outside world. That’s why those around him are drawn to a charming person like flowers to the sun, warming in the warmth of his smile and being charged with optimism and good mood.

How to develop charm?

It is obvious that charm is a powerful tool that helps a person achieve significant heights. Therefore, it is advisable not only to possess this trait, but also to continuously work on its development. At the same time, it is very important not to try to pretend to be a charming person - such falsehood will quickly be seen through. You need to work hard on yourself, becoming more sincere, positive and charming.

There are several simple techniques that will help develop charm:

1. Smile more often. Most people internalize overtly expressed emotions. Sitting with a sour expression cannot evoke positive feelings in your interlocutor, but if you smile at him, his mood will improve a little. Therefore, a light, unobtrusive smile is the faithful companion of a charming person.
2. Treat everyone with respect. Many people try to assert themselves by disdaining those who have achieved less success than them. A charming person never behaves like this. Therefore, learn to treat every person with respect, regardless of their social status and other factors.
3. Treat people the way they expect you to. Not every one of us thinks about this, but often we simply ignore some little things that our loved ones expect from us. Be observant and try to understand which actions your friends and family like and which ones you should avoid. It's easier than it sounds, but can greatly benefit a relationship.
4. Avoid stock phrases. Trying to be polite, people often ask formal and simply trivial questions. Think for yourself how much you like it when someone asks, for example, about the weather. There must be genuine interest behind any question you ask. At the same time, there is no need to put your interlocutor in an awkward position with questions like “Where have you been?”, “Why don’t you call?” or “Are you not married yet?”
5. Don't try to please. There is no need to try to please your interlocutor or to please him through insincerity. As a rule, such falsehood is felt quickly. It is much easier to please another person if you act naturally and casually, even if sometimes it seems that your honesty and directness may offend or upset him.

Is charm money?

“He doesn’t have a lot of money,” that’s what they usually say about such men. He vacations in Mallorca or Goa, his car is a Bentley, and he drinks Rolex watches and cognac exclusively “Beaute de Siecle” from Hennessy.

It looks like this guy can really buy anything, everything except...charm.

Even if he starts wasting money left and right, even if he buys a million scarlet roses for his beloved woman, he still won’t become charming. He will look either stupid or romantic, or both.

Taste

Less developed than the sense of smell, the sense of taste informs about the quality and taste of the food and liquids consumed. Taste cells located on the taste buds, small tubercles on the tongue, detect flavors and transmit corresponding nerve impulses to the brain. The brain analyzes and identifies the character of taste.

Smell

We are able to distinguish up to ten thousand odors, some of which (poisonous gases, smoke) notify us of imminent danger. Cells located in the nasal cavity detect molecules that are the source of odor, then send corresponding nerve impulses to the brain. The brain recognizes these odors, which can be pleasant or unpleasant. Scientists have identified seven main odors: aromatic (camphor), ethereal, fragrant (floral), ambrosial (the smell of musk - an animal substance used in perfumery), repulsive (putrefactive), garlic (sulfur) and, finally, the smell of burnt. The sense of smell is often called the sense of memory: indeed, a smell can remind you of a very long ago event.

Charismatics - what are they?

People who are naturally charismatic are in the minority, as are people with natural good looks. However, by setting a goal and working hard towards it, you can achieve high results and earn a reputation as a person “with a twist”, interesting, knowledgeable, inquisitive, enthusiastic - charismatic.

Anyone who masters the secrets of charisma and takes advantage of the benefits it gives will understand that his efforts were not in vain and “the game was worth the candle.”

What does science say?

How does psychology explain what attractiveness and charm are?
From a scientific point of view, this is a unique personality quality that can be compared to the gift of attracting and winning over others. At the moment, the magnetism of true charm, which has not yet been fully studied, is one of the most mysterious mysteries that each of us strives to solve. A charming person, who, by the way, may not be the most beautiful and outstanding, has enormous strength and tremendous positive energy, which he pours out on the people around him. And those who find themselves under the flow of this energy will not be able to resist.

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What, you ask, is the power of charm? We can safely say that the secret to the success of people with charisma is their ability to effectively use methods of communication with others, win their hearts, gain trust and establish relationships with the outside world.

Anyone who radiates positivity and charm is a pleasure to be around. In the company of such a person, many can feel comfortable, at ease, easy and confident. And in this case, this is entirely the “merit” of a charismatic person, because he will skillfully use all the necessary tools to establish contacts. To win over his opponent, he will show patience, listen carefully and smile warmly and sincerely.

There are many details in her charming appearance that will “bribe” anyone. This will allow a person not only to demonstrate personal superiority, but also to get exactly what he wants. Agree, there are many people around you who are successful by simply being charming.