Abusive parents: signs of parental abuse

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Dysfunctional families are a breeding ground for the development of unhealthy behavior in children in the future. What factors could contribute to this?

Of course, genetics contribute to one scenario or another. There is increased aggressiveness, a tendency towards sociopathy and other congenital characteristics. However, despite the fact that most studies show their significant contribution to the formation of abusive or sacrificial behavior - from 35% to 50%, the family (or what replaces it) turns out to be the main institution shaping human behavior. That is, even with not the best inclinations, a healthy family is able to significantly correct potential destructive behavior.

In short, toxic parents are highly likely to produce toxic children and, subsequently, adults with abusive and sacrificial behavior.

At the same time, people with normal behavior, healthy self-esteem, capable of fulfilling relationships and joy in life can emerge from dysfunctional families. So, a toxic parental family is not a death sentence, but, nevertheless, a strong incentive for the development of toxic behavior in the future.

Definition of the concept

Abusive parents are people who periodically commit physical, psychological, financial or emotional violence against their own child. It may consist of ignoring his needs, manipulation, humiliation, screaming, causing physical harm and other manifestations.

Parental abuse can manifest itself in various forms:

physical (assault, torture, corporal punishment);
sexual (violent actions against a child, from which the parent receives satisfaction);
emotional (psychological suppression of the child’s personality, manipulation, devaluation of his actions and achievements);
ignoring the child’s needs (medical, physical, emotional).

Such a toxic attitude has a strong impact on the psyche and leaves its mark on the lives of older children. It is very difficult to get rid of all negative attitudes, work through this topic and regain adequate self-esteem. This is only possible with a strong desire and long-term therapy with a psychologist.

Causes of parental abuse

Victims of being raised by toxic parents believe that the reason for this behavior lies in themselves. They wonder: “What’s wrong with me?” They consider themselves bad and wrong children and are completely wrong.

The cause of abuse is the broken psyche of the parents themselves. It can be any personality disorder: narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, schizophrenia. Because of it, the parent is not able to adequately perceive the surrounding reality. What causes pain to a child is seen as love. And the victim’s attempts to hide or defend themselves look like a challenge to the abuser.

Most often, parents continue to use on their children the same parenting techniques that were used on them. It was then that their psyche began to change and led to a situation where the scenario was repeated.

It seems to them that children should a priori be obedient, so their own irritate and disappoint them with their incorrectness. At such moments, parents usually say to their children the phrases: “At your age, I was better, more obedient, more respectful of adults.” And behind these words lies not even regret, but envy of your child, because he should not be happier and freer than them.

Those who were victims of abuse as children are never fully able to grow up. Therefore, such a parent is not inclined to empathy and self-development, and therefore does not want to learn to use other parenting methods. He is not able to conduct a dialogue, give arguments for and against, because he is sure that only his opinion is correct.

The manifestation of infantilism is another typical feature of abusive parents. They are prone to resentment, shifting blame onto other people and being susceptible to other people's opinions.

What's the result?

As a result, children from such families, becoming adults, can live with destructive attitudes about themselves, about their role, about the role of loved ones, and in general a distorted view of the world. Reality is not their strong point.

What could it be? Here are just a few painful concepts that can shape both the position of the victim and abusive behavior, or both:

I'm nothing
Nobody needs me
I'm offended by the whole world
If not you, then you
It's right that I suffer
All people are scoundrels, so you need to be careful with them
I'm helpless, I can't make decisions
Anyone can betray at any time
I do not know what I want
There are rules in life and I make these rules.
I'm not good enough. Always.
Nobody loves me. Even if they love me, they still don't love me.
I'm always abandoned

…And the list goes on

Signs of abusive parents

Abusive parents are presented as terrible tyrants with everything written all over their faces. But in most cases this is not the case. They love their children, but do not know that they can show their love in a different way without causing harm to the child’s psyche.

Such adults have at their disposal a whole range of the most sophisticated methods of influencing a child.

Physical abuse

Problems that can be solved with explanations, persuasion and persuasion are solved by toxic parents through physical actions. Spanking, slapping the head, pulling the arm is a less energy-consuming and more effective way to force a child to obey.

Rejection

This psychological method is also common among toxic parents. You can tell a child that if he does not obey, does not become what he should be, then he:

they will be given to an orphanage, to the police, to strangers;
they won’t take you to the theater, circus, or for a walk;
will be replaced by someone else because he is not talented enough, smart enough, or even of the wrong gender, etc.

The child takes such phrases quite seriously, trusting the authority and correctness of the parent’s decisions. They hit self-esteem hard and make the idea that a child can be loved just like that seem mythical.

Ignoring

This method is used by parents who themselves experienced emotional cold in childhood. It is easier to frustrate and not notice the child’s desires and needs than to resolve complex issues and conflicts. In everyday life, an adult takes care of his child: feeds, clothes, treats, but does not show himself emotionally in any way: does not support, does not sympathize, does not strive to establish contact.

Overprotection

A controlling form of abuse: the parent is the only one who knows best what and how the child should do in childhood, and then in adulthood. For any violation and inconsistency, children must bear responsibility and punishment, and then obey the abuser even more so as not to make things worse.

Terrorization

This type of abuse is usually used by parents with a weakened psyche. They lash out at the child, express their anger, and then apologize and make amends. This causes an intrapersonal conflict for the victim, because it is impossible to guess when and why a kind and loving parent becomes a source of evil and a threat.

Blackmail

A common type of abuse because children easily believe everything their parents say. They can blackmail a child for any reason, even threatening suicide: “If you don’t answer calls, it means you don’t need a mother, you’ll be better off without me,” “Look at what you’re bringing me to.”

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a special form of psychological abuse that has a strong impact on the child’s psyche. The parent does not allow the victim to formulate his point of view, but imposes what is convenient for him: “Stop crying, it doesn’t hurt at all,” “It seemed to you that nothing like that happened,” “So what if you promised to buy a toy, you didn’t get out?” in his room, so he’s not worthy of it.”

Insulation

Limitation in communication with peers has a serious impact on the child’s psyche and social skills. Many abusive parents forbid their children to go for walks, play with classmates and friends, or leave the house for any mistake. It may even go so far as to take the child out of school for home schooling just to limit his social contacts.

Corruption

This includes not only acts of a sexual nature, but also permission to do things that are not permissible for a child. Drinking alcohol, smoking, using drugs, watching pornography, as well as cruelty to people and animals - children should not have to deal with this.

Exploitation

Some parents believe that children can easily cope with the same responsibilities as adults. Therefore, they begin to involve them in housework, caring for younger brothers and sisters, and assign financial responsibility to them. This can be not only coercion and persuasion, but also an agreement with the promise of rewards.

A child's help can be considered normal only when the responsibilities are age-appropriate and performed on his own initiative.

Abusive and sacrificial behavior - the reality is more complex

Talking about people only with abusive and only sacrificial behavior is a big simplification. In reality, everything is much more complicated. Very often these roles are blurred, people jump from the position of abuser to the position of victim and vice versa. Sometimes people change over time and don't even notice it. For example, a victim who has left a relationship may decide that there will be no more abusive relationships in her life, then she herself, unnoticed by herself, can become an abuser, simply by changing one familiar role to another. An abuser seeking redemption is capable of embarking on a path of completely unimaginable sacrifice, actually losing his own life, losing himself.

What to do if parents are abusers

It is important to note that there is always only one abuser in the family - the mother or father. The second spouse, like the child, is subject to violence, and therefore is not able to act as a defender.

It’s even worse when the victim spouse tries to please the abuser and begins to imitate his attitude towards the children. The child has to endure double violence.

Therefore, the victim has two options for the development of events: life in submission or work on oneself and liberation. This will require a lot of effort, time and courage. An adult child must realize that his life is the main value, and he can dispose of it as he pleases.

Stages of a victim's life with abusive parents:

The child is influenced by his parents and easily believes in their words and beliefs. This also applies to insults; children really begin to believe that they are bad, worthless, crooked, stupid, etc.
The victim realizes the atmosphere in which he had to spend his childhood, understands how much time has passed in blind faith to his parents and what the betrayal on their part was. This usually happens in adulthood.
An adult child frees himself from the thoughts and feelings imposed on him, is ready to break off communication with toxic parents and take responsibility for himself and his life.

Consequences of growing up in an abusive family

Growing up in families of toxic parents does not pass without leaving a trace; dependence on demands, reproaches and ambitions, and a critical attitude towards oneself can last a lifetime.

The most common consequences of such growing up:

low self-esteem;
lack of self-confidence and strength (lack of independence);
negative self-perception;
life in constant fear;
self-blame for all failures (causes a lack of self-respect);
feeling of helplessness and insignificance.

Having not received affection and care in childhood, a person comes to adulthood with the feeling that he is unworthy of love and the slightest sympathy. This leaves its mark on personal life. It either doesn’t work out at all, or it leads to the fact that the victim of abuse again falls under the influence of not the parent, but the partner.

If living with toxic parents has had such a strong impact on the psyche that a person is not ready to work through this topic, then he can repeat the scenario of abuse with his children.

“The abuser is always weaker than the victim, morally and psychologically.” How to survive domestic violence

In January, in Yekaterinburg, a man was sentenced to four years, who, as the investigation established, drove his wife to suicide. “In accordance with the conclusion of the expert commission, as a result of the cruel treatment, the woman developed a state of mental tension, which contributed to the perception of the situation as completely hopeless,” the court’s decision says.
In March, in the Samara region, a criminal case was opened against a district police officer who beat his wife while drunk during 16 years of marriage, and she eventually committed suicide. According to the case materials, this happened due to “an increase in negative attitude on the part of the husband, scandals, suspicions of infidelity, insults and threats, and physical aggression.” The wife did not contact the police: she was ashamed, and was also afraid that her husband would lose his job and they would not be able to pay the mortgage.
In October, in Revda it became known about a 31-year-old man who systematically abused his 45-year-old partner: he beat her and accused her of cheating. He is threatened with a colony - the woman herself turned to the police asking for protection.

Psychologists call this phenomenon abuse.
Abuse is a term derived from the English abuse, “abnormal use”, “abuse”, “cruel treatment”. This pattern of behavior is typical for close relationships. Love, family, child-parent. The aggressor and the victim are always connected and dependent on each other. But abuse is not normal. It is not without reason that domestic violence attracts the attention of both public figures and authorities. How to survive it, how to get out of this situation without serious injuries and why many victims think that they deserve such treatment - we turned to psychoanalyst Marina Batalina with these questions. We invite you to speak out and tell your stories: write to (we will maintain confidentiality).

About the interlocutor. Marina Batalina, psychoanalytically oriented psychologist (experience: over six years), member of the Union of Professional Psychoanalysts. Education: Faculty of Psychology, USPU, specialization: socio-psychological rehabilitation. Reception: st. Karl Liebknecht, 66, 2nd floor, tel..

— How can I understand that what is happening to me is abuse?

As a rule, abuse has a cyclical structure. The first stage is an increase in tension. During this period, the aggressor can still cope with the internal level of tension arising from the inability of the psyche to adequately cope with even the simplest tasks of everyday life. This process cannot continue indefinitely, and the second stage begins: violence against the victim. The energy of the aggressor destroys the victim: both mentally and physically.

At the third stage, having thrown out all the furious and aggressive energy, the abuser is able to regain control over himself and his actions. And since the victim is vitally important to the aggressor, he tries in every possible way to restore and maintain the connection and increase the victim’s dependence on himself. In the fourth stage, which is often called another honeymoon, the aggressor appears as a loving, caring and attentive partner. He clearly knows what exactly his victim wants to hear and receive, and gives it to her. Thus, putting the victim even more firmly on the hook.

Abuse can be psychological: it is insults, blackmail, threats, intimidation, convincing the victim of his inferiority.

Drawing by Irina Rubtsova.

Story one. Ekaterina, 32. Abuser: mother

...I also had violence in my life, my mothers did it to me. She raised me VERY strictly. She beat me with a belt for everything. I came home three minutes late - get it! Moreover, I was allowed to go for a walk after all sorts of clubs and activities for at most an hour... It was forbidden to invite friends home. I also beat her for grades, even for Bs.

I had one protector, my daddy. But I couldn’t complain to him either, because then I got double the money.

Mom always said that she loved me and raised me in this way so that I would grow up to be a worthy person and achieve everything in life that she could not. Apparently, that’s why I went everywhere: art school, music school, etc., except for dancing, which I always dreamed of going to - according to her, I wouldn’t have been able to cope and would have embarrassed her.

As a teenager, I thought about suicide, but I was afraid that if I failed to complete the matter, she would definitely kill me. You know, how embarrassing it is when you are 15 years old, and your mother still beats you, when you can’t go out for more than 20.00, when you can’t wear a skirt even to the knee, because you look like a prostitute, as she said.

And what happened in the end: I ran away from home when I turned 18, I remember with a shudder the time when I was forced into music and art school, I didn’t do anything like that. Now I’m over 30, I have a daughter, I’ve never raised a hand to her.

My dad has been dead for a long time, but there is a wonderful husband with a character similar to daddy (it’s not for nothing that they say that girls choose men who are similar to their fathers as husbands). And when I become like my mother (this manifests itself in screaming), he smooths out the corners and calms me down. For which I thank him very much.

— How do I understand that I need help?

It is often difficult for yourself to notice that something is wrong in a relationship. Beats means he loves. And if a person from childhood had only such a picture of the world and only such a flawed family model, then the guarantee that he will create his family precisely according to this scenario is almost one hundred percent. Abuse often has an escalating character. That is, it can all start with a couple of insults, but develop into systematic, severe beatings. Of course, when it comes to physical impact, this is the last and most dangerous signal for you, as a victim. An important characteristic feature of abuse is its systematic manifestation by the aggressor and the clear structure of the entire cycle.

- Why does one rape the other?

— The abuser is always weaker than the victim, morally and psychologically. It, like an intestinal parasite, is able to survive only when there is a strong carrier nearby. When it comes to domestic violence, there is almost a 100% guarantee that the abuser has a history of total victimhood as a child. The aggressor dreams of growing up as quickly as possible and breaking out of the hellish environment and his powerlessness, getting rid of the pain that his significant adults caused him. Be it mom, dad, grandparents. But such an experience does not pass without a trace. The matured former victim unconsciously takes the place of her tormentor. This is perhaps the only way she knows to cope with the internal tension that accumulates in the everyday cycle of problems.

Drawing by Irina Rubtsova.

The second story. Anna, 33. Abuser: husband

...We have a big age difference, he is older. When I was courting you: it was very beautiful, flowers, trips to interesting places, beautiful words, he even wrote poetry for me. Later I learned that for an abuser this is the norm, hyper-caring and tenderness in everything.

The physical abuse started six months before we finally separated. We lived together for more than ten years. All this time, he seemed to be accumulating hatred towards me: he could scold me for a wet towel left on a hook in the bathroom, and not hung on the dryer, or scold me for a broken mug.

I - in life, cheerful, confident, sociable - sat at work until late, forced myself to go home, because humiliation awaited me there and the words that I was “armless, stupid, brainless” - and then only swearing, and so on constantly.

When he began to give up, we were divorced, but he did not leave: he was registered, and, moreover, he believed that he had the right to a family, and I “deserved it, I brought it out.”

Although by that moment everything had passed for me: love, affection, and desire, everything had burned out, only hatred remained. And terrible disgust, I couldn’t even believe that I could once sleep with him, that I said “Yes” at the registry office and gave birth to his children.

I remember how I came home from work, and he was sleeping drunk on the sofa. I went to bathe my daughter, who was unhappy about something and started screaming. He jumped up and rushed towards me, swearing in the dirtiest words, began to snatch the phone, shouting that he was going to smash it against the wall. I managed to call my mother, she heard me screaming, covering my neck with my hands, because she was afraid that he would strangle me. My daughter jumped out of the bathroom, naked, covered in foam, covered me with herself, shouting: “Don’t touch mom!” Only then did he fall behind.

I endured this for six months. Called the police twice. The male employees smiled openly when I, crying, talked about what was happening: in their words and looks they read, they say, “I brought it on myself.” The girl patrolwoman who came to the call just threw up her hands and looked sympathetically at the bruises on my arms: “He’s registered, we can’t do anything.”

When they kill you, come.

Then I realized that no one would ever, under any circumstances, help me. Just me.

I had the courage to simply kick him out of our shared apartment, he went to his ex-wife. I don’t know what he’s doing, what he’s doing, we don’t communicate at all. He regularly pays the alimony that I requested in court, and that’s all I need to know about him.

Now I have a man (I managed to start a new relationship only a year later - all this time there was a fear that history would repeat itself), he is completely different, he does not allow himself rude words. And still, sometimes I catch myself thinking: what if I do something wrong again and he, so kind and sweet now, swings and hits me? I'm very afraid of this.

— Is it possible to reconcile and live in such a situation?

“Often the victim herself unconsciously demands such an attitude towards herself. Having no inner self-worth, not understanding oneself, not knowing one’s true desires, grasping at the first option that comes along. After all, abusers at the beginning of a relationship tend to carefully hide all their pathological habits, charming the victim completely. The stronger the psychological constitution of the victim, the longer she will be able to endure and process the stress of the abuser with her psyche and body. The cases are different, from a long quiet life in a state of worthlessness to the inability to endure this violence any longer and, as a result, a sudden rebellion in the flesh to the murder of the abuser in a state of passion.

- Is it possible to change a person who hurts me?

— This is the most common mistake of the victim: during the period of reconciliation, to assume that the abuser has changed. That he has realized the horror of his behavior and will never do this to you again. But remember: it is almost impossible to correct any behavior pathology or neurotic symptom on your own without outside professional help. After all, you wouldn’t operate on a diseased organ at home, in the kitchen with girlfriends/friends under alcohol anesthesia? The psyche is a very subtle organization that has its own laws of functioning, which are often beyond the power of a person who is far from psychology, internal harmony and the desire for self-knowledge to understand. But - the victim has already thought about the inappropriateness of such an attitude towards himself, began to work on himself, left a codependent relationship, and the abuser retained the ability for deeper emotional connections, he, having lost a significant victim irrevocably, begins to slowly move towards development too. As if following. But these are extremely rare cases.

Drawing by Irina Rubtsova.

Story three. Maria, 36. Abuser: husband

...When he started beating me, I don’t remember now, although I’m trying. It all started like many others: they started dating, dreamed of living together, starting a family. The two of them walked everywhere, holding hands. I always liked it when he held my hand. Then it seemed like a manifestation of love, much later I realized that it was a desire to control everything.

This total control is where the problems started. He wanted to know everything: who writes to me and what, with whom and what I talk on the phone, what I wear to work. I even picked out the clothes myself. It was impossible to stay late at work, and not picking up the phone was akin to a serious crime.

At first he didn't allow himself to hit me in the face. He twisted his arms. Choked. Kicked. But he didn't touch his face. Then he crossed this line. Broken and constantly swollen lips had to be painted over with bright lipstick, through which their bluish color could not be seen. And after one of the quarrels, an impressive bruise spread under my eye. Not a single foundation was able to hide it. At work I lied with inspiration. They believed me. I did not appear to be a victim of domestic violence. It was a shame to go to family or the police for help.

All quarrels always took place behind closed doors. In public, he tried to control himself. He understood that they could intercede, and then he would get it. But they never stood up for me. One day, when he was beating me in the car, I managed to break free and jump out onto the road. I ran all in tears. He ran after me. Not a single car stopped. Nobody even tried to help. Although it was day.

This finally freed his hands. Now even on the street, among people, I did not feel safe.

He could explode at any second because I didn’t answer the way he wanted. Or it seemed to him that I smiled too nicely at an acquaintance. Or looked at the stranger for a long time.

He wrenched my hands right in the middle of a busy square. It’s impossible to count how many phones were broken. Even children, who had witnessed scandals more than once, were not a hindrance. And I forgave everything. At first, because she loved him madly, she thought that this was the last time, because he cried so much, repented so much. Then - out of fear that I would be left alone with the children. And I was simply afraid of him. It was scary to tell him to leave. What if he kills you or makes you disabled?

It's been a few months since we got divorced. Thanks mom. I came to visit unexpectedly, and there I was with covered bruises under both eyes. I understood everything at once. We packed our things and went to her place. He's still asking to come back. He assures me that he has changed, that he will never touch me again. And the worst thing is, I understand that I am ready to return. But for now I’m holding on. While all those pictures emerge in your memory when you are lying on the floor in your own apartment, there are shards of broken dishes all around, painfully digging into your body, and your most beloved and dearest person is kicking you.

- Who needs help - me, the person causing me suffering, both of us?

— First of all, help is needed by those who need it. The fact that this mechanism is pathological and requires work on oneself is undeniable. But you won’t be nice by force. It is so convenient and familiar for the abuser to live, this is a mechanism that is understandable to him. Adopted from the usual family model and picture of the world. It is precisely for the stable use without interruption of a familiar pathological technique that he tries to tie the victim to himself as strongly as possible. Including instilling in her her worthlessness and insanity. Therefore, it is more often the victims’ relatives who seek help, rather than the victim herself. And if she manages to break out of this hellish vicious circle, she goes through a long process of experiencing a post-traumatic state and depression.

- Can violence mean that I am bad and deserve it?

“It is this position that is convenient to instill in the victim. Such a person is easier to manage, use, and abuse with impunity. But if you remember the primary stage of the relationship, the beginning is absolutely the opposite. Trying to hook the victim, the abuser deliberately inflates his personal values to unprecedented proportions. Gradually giving more and more seemingly unconditional love, acceptance and attention. We all come from childhood and on the way to growing up inevitably received psychological childhood traumas associated with insufficient contact with the maternal object or its complete absence. They are inevitable, but everyone has their own experience, which then shaped his psyche and subsequently dictates his line of behavior, choice of partners, way of reacting and ability to cope with internal tension.

- Can this person love me?

- In this situation, we need to talk about the love of the aggressor for his victim like the love of a spider for a fly in its web. He only relieves his needs in life at your expense. There is absolutely no generally accepted concept of love, which has a lot of additional meanings and manifestations, such as respect, partnership, forgiveness, not the desire to harm, in codependent relationships where the dominant style of relationships is abuse. Love is a decoration that covers up an ugly scene of damaged, parasitic functioning.

Drawing by Irina Rubtsova.

Story four. Christina, 27. Abuser: mother

...Six years ago we lived in another city. It wasn’t all that bad until my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and then my mom was diagnosed. She loved to drink, after this the drinking sessions became more frequent, and she quit her job. The father continued to work and raise his family.

I never had my own opinion, if I tried to object to something (for example, I want to go to a music academy, not a medical school), then hell began, humiliation, screaming, assault. Now I can’t react calmly to a scream, I immediately start bawling, and I don’t know how to get rid of it.

Then we moved to Revda, at the insistence of my mother. She stopped working and began drinking more often. Drunk, she attacked her father with a hammer, humiliated her, cursed her, and since I have the closest relationship with my father, it was excruciatingly painful for me to watch her do this. Gradually she made his life hellish. Once again she got drunk and didn’t let him home. I threw out all his things. From that moment on, my father lived at work.

She forbade me to communicate with my father; she checked my phone and SMS messages. When she ran out of money, she made me call my father and say: “Dad, give me money, I have nothing to eat.” Although this was not the case. She simply manipulated him through me. If I told her: “I won’t do this,” she began to use physical force and humiliate me; I’ve been afraid of her since childhood.

Before moving to Revda, my father transferred half of the apartment to me. And one day I heard the phrase from my mother: “We’re making a deed of gift, you owe me this share,” she dragged me to the MFC, but they turned her down because I was under 18. When I turned 18, the conversation about deeds of gift came up again. But I understood that as soon as I gave her a share, she would get rid of me, just like her father. I tried to object to her, for which I received a threat of physical harm. She got scared and the next day, when she was not at home, she packed her things and left.

There were kind people who were able to shelter me. I lived for a week, after which my mother established contact with me and promised that she would not drink... But that was not the case! As soon as I returned home, two days later my passport disappeared; when asked where it was, I was told: “It’s none of your damn business, I’ll do what I want with it.” But I was spineless, and the fear of my mother was with me all my life, one “beautiful” day she woke me up and said: “Let’s go.” We arrived at the MFC, and I signed a deed of gift.

Two days after that, she got drunk again, and she drank without drying out for 24 hours. She began to catch the squirrel, whisper to herself, answer something to herself. Then she came to my room and hit me, and then began to choke me. When she went out to smoke, I grabbed my things and ran away. She ran after him, shouting: “Stop, bitch, I’ll catch you anyway.” But I didn’t return home.

I will probably never forget this. Now we don’t communicate with her, we only sometimes go to court.

“If every partner I have hurts me, what’s wrong with me?”

“There is clearly a tendency here in the internal need to be a victim. You need to start working and understanding your inner contents. Who or what makes you feel second-rate and put up with being treated with disrespect. In the course of psychoanalytic work, repressed childhood memories and situations may emerge that will lead to a clear understanding of the entire painful mechanism and allow the formation of a new, healthy model of behavior. Everything that surrounds us reflects our inner contents.

“I want to leave, but I can’t make up my mind.” What to do?

“This happens because the victim has invested and continues to invest his moral strength in the abuser. Simply working with his pear to release steam and be able to cope with internal tension. The victim unconsciously regrets the waste, and she is still waiting for the abuser to respond in kind. When he begins to become emotionally invested in their relationship. This happens, but only for a short time during the recovery period. And this is just part of the flawed mechanism of abuse, and not a conscious desire to be close to others, to be the best for your loved one. Here it is important to decide for yourself what is more important to you: harmonious partnerships and favorable conditions in other areas of life or, for example, an apartment earned through daily living of violence and humiliation. Do you want to always live in destructive relationships so that your children see only pathological relationships and, as they grow up, reproduce this model, but in their own family? The last straw will be something different for everyone. Identifying a problem is already part, the beginning of its solution.

My recommendations

In childhood, a person is not yet able to understand that he has become a victim of an abuser. As an adult, it is not only possible to understand this, but also necessary in order to feel your independence and begin to live life to the fullest.

Trust your feelings. If it seems that parents are stifling with their advice, care or prohibitions, then you should think about what is happening. Monitor your feelings by writing them down and analyzing them.
Remember that it is not your fault that you were treated this way. But the choice of further actions and responsibility for your life is yours.
Give yourself permission to be angry with your parents. You have every right to your emotions, and forgiveness should not become a suppression of feelings. Remember that anger can be not only negative, but also a good source of energy.
Keep your distance from abusers and do not develop conflict if you do not have the strength to deal with it. To get out of a toxic relationship, any method is suitable, even a complete break with your parents.
Constantly be interested in the topic of abuse, read sources, communicate with specialists. Analyze this information to develop awareness and look at the situation from the outside.