Do people cheat in love | Psychology of relationships

Incredible facts

Does cheating mean he doesn't love you?

Many of us fall into the trap of stereotypes when it comes to cheating.

Cheating is like a mental illness. After all, even when we recover from an illness, the stigma of being sick remains for a long time.

In some cases, a person learns a hard lesson but finds it difficult to regain the trust of their partner.

Love helps us accept our partner's shortcomings

It is worth noting separately that the vision of love, its sensation, the period of falling in love, and the experience of difficulties in relationships are radically different for women and men. Women are emotional, sensual creatures, and with this they decorate the logical and simple world of men, giving bright shades to the black and white background. It’s difficult for us to be together, but without each other we also wouldn’t be able to live fully.

Love is a feeling that unites a man and a woman, contributing to changes in the natures of partners. In this article I want to talk about exactly this - about our differences in love, without knowing which even the strongest and most powerful feeling can disappear irrevocably.

If a husband cheats on his wife, what does this mean?

That his sexual constitution is stronger than that of his wife (that is, by nature more sex is needed for life, otherwise a person cannot think about anything other than this)
That the husband does not consider himself obligated to remain faithful, for him cheating is the norm of life (that is, he could do without sex, but for what reason should he refuse?)
That he is tired of trying all the time for the good of his family and wife, sometimes he wants to be a “bad boy” (that is, sex on the sides is a way to cover up his pain, to escape from problems in the family)
That the husband is not “drawn” to his wife, she has become more of a comrade and friend for him than a mistress (this is when you want sex, but not with your wife)

The birth of male infidelity

Every woman dreams of a chosen one who would be faithful to her always and everywhere, listen to her, extol her over other representatives of the fair sex. And such loyal and devoted knights really exist, but, alas, they are not so common.

There is an opinion among experts in psychology and sexology that under the influence of morality the natural male sexual instinct of a male striving to reproduce and prolong the human race is suppressed. Experts believe that this negatively affects the life expectancy of men.

If we consider this theory in more detail, it turns out that subconsciously all men strive to inseminate as many women around as possible in order to raise as many descendants as possible. But consciously, the representative of the stronger sex understands that he has a beloved with whom he wants to start a family and raise children together with her alone. This difference between the subconscious and consciousness gives rise to a conflict that negatively affects the nervous system, which in turn has a bad effect on the overall health of the body.

Truly in love people do not see others around them; they devote themselves to only one chosen one. True love becomes an obstacle to uncontrolled sexual desire - a person simply cannot allow a stranger to touch his soul and body. Partners feel respect for each other in their souls, which is why they are afraid to offend their loved one even mentally, avoiding thoughts of betrayal. And in love, partners get everything, and there is no desire to look for something on the side.

It's all chemistry's fault!

Experts around the world are almost unanimous: our behavior in a couple and satisfaction with love relationships directly depend on the action of dopamine. Love and physical desire are, from the point of view of dopamine, something like drug addiction. If you are happy with everything about your partner, dopamine actively supports the created euphoria , preventing passion from “running to the left.” But when a passionate relationship moves into a calmer direction (love remains, but the feeling of flight is dulled), dopamine orders you to look for the source of previous pleasures on the side.

Such “chemical” betrayal can only be resisted by a person who knows how to make efforts in relationships and work on them

Situationally, such betrayal “under the pressure” of dopamine can be expressed in a random affair: as they say, he gave up his soul and returned to the family. Satisfaction with life and with oneself has returned, love for a permanent partner has not suffered - this type of betrayal is typical for men. It is much more difficult for a woman to decide to cheat for the sake of her own dopamine surge.

Oxytocin is another hormone that has a major influence on the decision to cheat. This is the so-called attachment hormone, which is produced during close physical contact. That is why lovers have a need for hugs, they want to hold hands and make love from morning to evening. Infidelity (both male and female) is caused by weakened oxytocin connections: if you do not touch your partner, do not kiss him, do not hug him, not to mention regular sexual relations, you lose this contact, provoking both yourself and your partner to search for a new source of oxytocin.

Lack of oxytocin provokes the search for new pleasures

Attitudes towards betrayal vary

Couples who have reached a certain level of development of their relationships and feelings in order to tie the knot, start living together, and produce offspring, gradually get used to each other. Love is still present in the relationship, but it is no longer passionate and bright, as at the time of falling in love. It becomes something familiar, ordinary. Partners devote less and less time to pleasant little things, signs of attention, and foreplay during sex. Courtship is no longer dizzying and taken for granted, negative traits are smoothed out and covered by positive ones.

The spouse does not try to look attractive and beautiful at home, allowing her to spend the weekend in an elongated T-shirt and with unwashed hair, and the husband does not rack his brains over how to arrange a surprise for his beloved’s birthday or relationship anniversary - after all, you can simply present a classic bouquet of flowers and a box sweets Sex no longer brings as much pleasure as before, and is more out of habit than for joy and physical expression of one’s passionate feelings.

The habit and everyday life of relationships often pushes men to look for something new and bright. They want to feel like hunters again.

Each person is individual in his own way, each has his own character traits. Some men can afford to occasionally cheat on their spouse, without making this fact public and imagining it as a small adventure. Others will blame themselves for not being able to control their carnal desires and live their lives thinking about their weakness.

One man, if there is a possibility of betrayal, will restrain himself, will not allow his beloved to cheat, and in the future he may blame himself for weakness in the face of the opportunity to have fun, and will often remember the missed opportunity. Another, without remorse, is able to forget about the vows and promises that he once made to his wife before the altar, fall in love with another woman and leave his family to start all over again.

Even the strongest and most ardent feelings have no guarantee of fidelity in the future.

Women, thanks to their innate intuition, sense a change in the emotional background in the family and the likelihood of their partner’s betrayal. It often happens that wives simply throw out their jealousy on their husbands, without thinking about the real fact of betrayal, about the reasons for the change in the man’s attitude towards her.

What happens to love when your husband cheats?

Love is not just chemistry and butterflies in the stomach. This is a whole complex of sensations and coincidences. Many years must pass and many trials must occur for it to become clear that there is love. You need to go through passion and disappointment, delight and boredom. If you manage to experience these states and after them realize: “Still, he is important to me!” - it means love has taken root.

And when a husband and wife “overgrow” with numerous descendants, property, common events and impressions, their love becomes like a part of the body, part of the organism. She is familiar, we just live with her. Unnoticeable, imperceptible, just there. But it hurts if you start to refuse it - to disrupt the usual course of events, limit communication, change rituals and traditions.

To understand and realize everything that I wrote above, you need to collect a huge baggage of observations and analyze the condition of hundreds of families. Or simply believe that love does not die, but changes. But, unfortunately, not everyone can conduct such an analysis, and not everyone believes in the growth and development of the state of love.

Often people are afraid that the absence of bright emotions is a sign of dead love. “Love lasts three years” - many people say this and believe it. This is a mistake, love does not die, it is transformed. I have already written about this.

When a man, for one reason or another, decides to cheat, his love for his wife does not disappear. She fades into the background. Judge for yourself - if there are fireworks around you, how well will you be able to see that the fireplace is full of hot coals? The fireworks lights outshine everything. It is bright, colorful, scorching and memorable.

“New Love” shifts the focus to yourself. She is unable to kill her deep feelings for her wife. But it makes you see and feel nothing but bright fireworks.

By the way, this is the same principle behind the joke that if you have a headache, hit your finger with a hammer. Then the headache will no longer bother you so much. Forgive my cynicism, but a simpler analogy could not be imagined. How to regain the ability to feel - you will read about this in the article How to live after betrayal

Preventing Infidelity

In a family, it is the woman who has the responsibility to preserve the family hearth and not allow feelings to fade away, because it is the fair sex who are well versed in feelings. To prevent the desire of a loved one to change, to “go to the left,” it is necessary to maintain in him the feeling of a Man, and not a slave, unquestioningly submitting to all the whims of his queen.

A man should not feel driven into a corner; he needs some freedom of action. No matter how much you love your partner, you cannot block his breath with your love or subject him to control.

You cannot force a person to be faithful. Loyalty, first of all, appears when partners have mutual trust. If a woman constantly shows jealousy due to unconfirmed suspicions of infidelity, the man will sooner or later become fed up with his partner’s negative feelings and want to find a calmer refuge where they will truly love him, trust him and respect him.

What can I recommend from myself to preserve relationships and feelings?

Don't save the relationship at any cost. Don't become a victim. In relationships, a woman often tries to become a victim, mistakenly believing that this is how she can keep a man, that he will appreciate her efforts and worship of him. This is not so, a man needs a Real Woman, not a submissive servant.

Also, you should not put pressure on a man with your love; he needs some freedom. Be sure to find time to spend time with yourself, and don’t put pressure on him with your presence. A man must definitely miss his beloved a little - then he will strive to be alone with you as often as possible, to win your attention with his person.

Small quarrels in relationships are a normal situation. Don’t let “Storm in a Teacup” happen, but a little excitement in your feelings will be helpful. A completely calm relationship can ultimately lead to a persistent desire to cause a scandal, but slight shake-ups will balance and slightly renew your feelings.

Will the husband remember his love for his wife?

If he cheats, does that mean he doesn't love you? As you can see, the presence of love in a relationship is not always insurance against cheating. This is paradoxical, but true. The opposite effect also occurs. The fact of betrayal does not in any way prove a lack of love for his wife.

Having experienced the feeling of guilt after betrayal, having coped with pain and resentment, spouses very often begin to appreciate what they have even more. It happens naturally. The main thing is not to feed or prolong destructive processes. Do not manipulate with resentment and guilt.

Will you be able to feel love again? Will your husband be able to appreciate what is between you? Should I give him a chance? It's up to you to decide. Not public opinion, not statistics, not mom. And you. Because this particular situation is unique. Your man, your life.

If you understand that you are not ready to give him a chance, then you have to say goodbye. If you feel that you are ready, but something is preventing you from forgiving, find what is stopping you. Maybe fear, or resentment, or even anger gets in the way. And get rid of it. An entire life is at stake. You can now maintain the role of “Proud and uncompromising”, and in 30 years you will regret that you didn’t give a chance to someone with whom it was truly good.

Why did the split happen?

On their own, these men were often unable to identify what was missing or what could be improved, feeling shocked by their partner's betrayal. To their dismay, the men said their wives never directly told them they were unhappy in their marriage.

Obviously, there was some kind of breakdown in communication. However, it is not always the lack of companionship or decreased emotional intimacy that leads to deviation from the norm.

The psychologist reported that he had repeatedly witnessed contradictions between stereotypical gender differences in marital infidelity. For example, there are wives who feel a strong emotional closeness with their spouses, but succumb to the passion and excitement of an affair.

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These women often cheat with multiple extramarital partners. Sometimes they asked themselves: “What’s wrong with me?” and “Am I flawed?” They wondered whether they fit into the confines of a traditional marriage, or whether it was more natural to have multiple partners over the years.

Middle age crisis

“Have I tried everything in life?” is the main worrying question for forty-year-olds. During middle age, many are troubled by a feeling of dissatisfaction with their marital past. The desire to make up for lost time arises if the breadwinner of the family completely devoted himself to his career, business, or science. Former well-deserved successes, a loving wife, and children fade into the background. Understanding that old age is approaching pushes us to take previously unusual actions.

It is important for a person to feel admiration, approval, support, love. If a wife forgets to please her husband with affectionate words, he cheats with his young passion. The enthusiastic look of a young girl inspires new achievements and stimulates development. This is why a married man decides to commit adultery at the age of 40.

How does a man decide to cheat? Vasya's story

How does this happen? A man lives for a day, two, a week, a year... and then suddenly - bam! – and changes. In honor of what? At what point?

Here is Vasya, he will be the hero of this story. Vasya has a family - a wife and children. Vasya works for the benefit of the family. Vasya is about 43 years old. We have many years of marriage behind us. The stage of getting used to it with my wife has already passed, the children are already going to school, everyday life is regulated, the mortgage is half paid. Life isn't perfect, yes. But it is more or less understandable and predictable.

Vasya’s wife, Katya, is normal. With your cockroaches, of course. Vasya knows very well when and what words can displease Katya and lead to a quarrel or scandal. Therefore, sometimes Vasya is silent, sometimes he immediately “growls” (the best defense is an attack), sometimes he still says what he wants, even if he knows: “it’s about to start.” When it “starts” Vasya either withdraws or suppresses. This is how they live.

Vasya has no fantasies that one day he will meet a beautiful princess! He doesn't think about saving the Princess from the clutches of the dragon and receiving selfless love and mind-blowing sex as gratitude. Dreams are not Vasya’s destiny.

It’s just that one day he notices that a certain Masha is very pretty and has SUCH a look! Calling... Alluring...

Masha either works in the next department, or lives in the next entrance; history is silent about this. By the way, Masha’s look is ordinary. The normal look of a healthy woman. It’s just that Vasya has long been “ripe” to notice this look. Masha, or Olya, or Zhanetta - it’s not about her. And the fact is that Vasya lives with one of three beliefs (see the previous part of the article). Our hero does not realize that there is any problem. He believes that he lives a “normal” life. Everyone does. All sorts of psychological “stuff”, working on relationships is not his topic. He just doesn't think about it.

Meanwhile, the tension in Vasya's life is growing. Vasya knows that his wife has a lot of problems of her own. Should we also “slip” ours into it? Vasya will figure it out himself. After. And now you can relax and “drown” in Masha’s gaze.

Why did he notice this look now, today? Randomness + readiness. The day before there was a quarrel with his wife, and today there were successful negotiations at work, plus the day before yesterday he was in a rocking chair and just talked with men about who has how many women. It just so happened. Then somehow it goes without saying...

Vasya invited Masha to have coffee. Just coffee! It's nice to communicate.

Then again coffee. It’s not Vasya’s fault that he’s relaxing in Masha’s company! It's easy with her!

After coffee, I walked Masha home. We had a very nice walk. She smells amazing. She is like a fairy; there are simply no problems around her. It seems that if you touch such a fairy, it will be just a fabulous feeling. I want to touch you more and more. Why not? It's easy to take your hand and kiss you on the cheek goodbye. “Test the waters”, what will the reaction be? Normal reaction. The fairy did not faint, but sighed very languidly...

Further the article rating will be 18+

We don't need any further. It was important to understand how it all begins.

Men are more likely to seek help from psychologists

A psychologist has noticed a new pattern of infidelity in which more and more men are seeking counseling after finding out their wives are cheating on them. These people report that they are still faithful and devoted to their significant other, hoping to overcome the pain of their current situation and stay together.

It's worth noting that many of these faithful men defied gender stereotypes by allowing themselves to be vulnerable and ask for help. They have a high emotional IQ, express themselves clearly and show their emotions, feel things deeply and passionately, and engage in self-reflection.

Appearance of the beloved

Men love with their eyes. Beauties attract their gaze. When the beloved stops paying attention to appearance, the connoisseur of female beauty looks for another object of admiration. Pleasure comes solely from contemplating the girl’s appearance. However, the risk of temptation always exists.

The appearance of the chosen one is important. You need to watch your figure, eat right, and exercise. You need to look beautiful in home clothes. Otherwise, an exemplary family man risks being seduced by a cunning rival.