Hello! When your partner is unfaithful, should you forgive the betrayal or not? When you are faced with such a problem in life, you must not listen to the advice of third parties, but make a decision solely with your own head.
For most people, the decision to forgive betrayal means continuing the relationship with the other half who caused severe mental pain, coming to terms with the current situation and continuing life as it is... . How can we continue to live like this and forget about what happened?
When you find out about your partner’s infidelity and decide to forgive the person, this means that in the future there will be no reminders of his wrongdoing. You must accept what happened and cope with the surging emotions of injustice and irritation on your own.
Treason and betrayal: what is the difference?
How to distinguish treason from betrayal? Every person puts a sufficient amount of unpleasant and negative meaning into the word “treason.” Perhaps only betrayal becomes more painful...
What's the difference? Why does a once loving person suddenly become capable of such actions?
Cheating - a violation of marital fidelity - is like a strong, sudden blow inflicted by the person closest to you, knocking the ground out from under your feet, and not everyone can cope with this.
I distinguish between betrayal and infidelity. Treason concerns the body, infidelity concerns the soul.
— Christina Kofta
Any extramarital affair becomes quite a serious test for a couple - their joint future and present are under threat.
Betrayal is a violation of given promises and oaths. But this word often means the actions of people that are unexpected for others and usually do not live up to any expectations.
Betrayal is not always associated with the emergence of sexual relations with another partner - this feeling can arise under other circumstances and, as a rule, is always associated with a person’s strong attachment and his dependence on attention to himself.
If we consider the difference between infidelity and betrayal within a marital relationship, then infidelity is a husband’s (or wife’s) approach to his mistress, and betrayal is a fairly long-term relationship with someone on the side.
Cheating is not just something that happens to one partner in relation to another - it is something that happens to a couple.
It’s not for nothing that the word “change” is at the root of the term “betrayal” - after a complete betrayal, not only relationships and feelings, but also the people themselves become different, and betrayal only shows long-standing problems in a couple’s relationship and helps both solve these situations and push spouses to the last, decisive step - divorce.
Treason is betrayal. It doesn't matter whether you jump into bed or slowly crawl into bed.
— Larisa Guzeeva
Attention! Often, attitudes towards such feelings as betrayal and treason depend on the person himself, his understanding of certain circumstances: for some, simple deception is tantamount to treason, while others consider betrayal and lies only a harmless joke.
The main criterion here is a personal attitude towards oneself and a willingness to forgive.
How do women feel?
When cheating on the part of a man occurs, women are divided into:
- The one who divorces her husband separates;
- The one who closes her eyes to it and forgives.
The second one reassures herself that men are designed in such a way that physical betrayal does not mean anything. In other words, this type of girl officially gives permission for men to betray them and hurt them. After all, no matter how many times you repeat - “men are simply polygamous”, the pain and feeling that you have been betrayed will never go away.
The longer a woman lives with the knowledge that her man has connections on the side, the stronger the process of self-destruction goes:
- self-confidence is lost;
- self-esteem is lost;
- feeling of one's uniqueness;
- self-love disappears;
- anxiety and melancholy appear.
In order to somehow maintain peace of mind, the woman seeks the advantages of her position: “but the children have a father, and I am not alone, but my husband supports me financially.” Meanwhile, the man, to whose adventures the woman deliberately turns a blind eye, gradually begins to change his attitude towards her.
A man is constantly tormented by a feeling of guilt, and therefore the woman who causes this unpleasant feeling begins to irritate him more and more. Children feel this tension and suffer much more than if their parents had simply separated. The result: unhappy people living in tension, pain and irritation.
Should betrayal be forgiven?
Just a few hundred years ago, the foundations of society were so strict that a woman could not even think about leaving her husband who was cheating on her - unless in a monastery or on the scaffold...
But today the situation has changed radically - not only women, but any person has the right to choose - to forgive the betrayal and stay close to your loved one, or to proudly leave.
In any situation, it is necessary to make the only correct decision so as not to make hasty conclusions and then regret what you have done for the rest of your life.
Before deciding whether to forgive betrayal or not, you should hide your own emotions deeply. It will be very difficult to do this, because after such a betrayal everything will seethe and bubble inside you. After betrayal, you will be overwhelmed by a hurricane of feelings, when resentment is overwhelmed by anger, despair is replaced by an aggressive state, and the desire to break off all relations with the traitor is replaced by fear of loneliness.
In this case, you should be more collected than ever, showing all your composure and fortitude. It is not the best option to succumb to the influence of negative emotions. You should sit down, calm down and sensibly assess the current situation, and then make the only right decision as to whether you can forgive your lover for betrayal or not.
To do this, you should ask yourself a few questions:
- What will happen to you if the cheater suddenly disappears from your life? How serious will the separation be for you personally, for your family and child (if you have one).
- What happens if the traitor still remains a part of your life. Will you be able to maintain your relationship with your cheater at the same level, will you be able to forgive the betrayal and even improve your relationship with your lover? Do you gain anything by forgiving your cheating spouse?
Try to answer all these questions for yourself, even if you don’t want to touch on painful topics. It is advisable to make a list of the pros and cons of forgiving infidelity. This will contribute to making the right decision, based not on emotions, but on logical reasoning. And after compiling this list, it is worth making a decision about forgiving or not forgiving the betrayal. Decide for yourself whether you can live with a person next to you, knowing that he can betray you.
Treason is a whip that hits you only once - at the moment when you find out about everything. All subsequent time you will cut yourself with it.
— Evgeniy Panteleev
Of course, in the first moments thoughts of forgiveness very rarely come and decisions are often made under the influence of anger, resentment, disappointment and fear of loneliness.
When emotions subside somewhat, a person begins to regret what he did and, as a rule, it is already too late to correct anything...
Important! You should not sort things out and decide what to do in the heat of the moment - you need to calm down and analyze the situation in order to make an informed decision.
Should I forgive my husband's betrayal?
No matter how popular the talk is that men are polygamous and consider cheating to be the norm, a man still justifies himself with these words and always feels guilty.
It is best to give him another chance - after all, there are mistakes that can still be corrected.
A woman needs to carefully think about whether she should forgive her husband’s infidelity in the following situations:
- if the infidelities are irregular and the husband stumbled only once;
- if a man really sincerely repents and tries in every possible way to make amends for his guilt;
- if the spouse carefully hides the details and the fact itself (perhaps he is really afraid of losing his family);
- if the wife herself is unfaithful and this act of the man is a desire for revenge;
- and, finally, if the wife has a really strong, forgiving feeling of love.
It is in such cases that betrayal can and even should be forgiven.
But if a man avoids answering for his actions, does not even try to hide his adventures, does not value family values, and the other woman has “settled” quite firmly in the man’s life - such a relationship is impossible to maintain and divorce is the only right step in this situation.
Important! It is always necessary to remember that betrayal is not the end of life, but perhaps just a step towards the beginning of a new one.
Should I forgive my wife for cheating?
For a man, this question often becomes the most pressing. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity think about whether marital relationships will remain the same after their wife’s betrayal.
The answer always depends only on the man himself and his personal attitude to the situation.
Reference! According to statistics, 80% of men are not able to forgive the betrayal of their beloved woman (which only confirms their heightened sense of ownership).
Often, it is enough for a spouse to change himself, to begin to show a little more attention to his wife - and the relationship, almost magically, suddenly not only recovers, but also becomes even better.
Should I forgive my boyfriend for cheating?
The girl, first of all, needs to think about why this happened? Maybe the young man lacks some emotions in the existing relationship, affection, attention and mutual understanding.
Often, a guy’s betrayal occurs not because his girlfriend is unattractive or inattentive to him, but simply because it is she who creates all the conditions for this with her behavior.
A girl, first of all, needs to raise her self-esteem, become more attractive, not create “scenes” of jealousy, and then the question: is it worth forgiving her boyfriend’s betrayal, can be resolved by itself and will exclude a repetition of this.
Should I forgive a cheating girl?
The beloved girl is not yet a wife; a common future is not yet connected with her - only dreams and plans.
In a situation where betrayal occurs, it becomes painful and very difficult for the young man also because the romantic period of courtship presupposes mutual trust, the blossoming of feelings and planning for a joint future.
Attention! In order for a young man to forgive his girlfriend’s betrayal, he needs to decide for himself: is this person really needed and is he the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, and also change yourself, because cheating on your girlfriend can be a kind of reaction to some features of a guy’s behavior.
Is it possible to feel happiness again?
Sometimes the decision to separate is made hastily, and when the desire to return everything arises, it is already too late, because the ex-spouse is living a new life.
The opposite can also happen: after forgiveness, the husband or wife begins to cheat again, and the partner regrets that he gave a chance and made a mistake. No matter how events develop, you need to:
- accept yourself and love;
- refuse to make decisions that go against your desires;
- just let go, because life together no longer brings joy.
Even if the betrayal was one-time, you need to understand that the previous happy life will no longer exist. Now we need to create new rules and define the boundaries of behavior:
- Open up to your partner by voicing your thoughts, experiences and emotions caused by infidelity.
- Set emotional boundaries and do not allow yourself to be manipulated.
- Believe in yourself, although your self-esteem has suffered greatly.
- Sharing of blame, mutual support. Both are to blame for the situation, so responsibility must be borne together.
- Think about your leisure time, take advantage of new ideas. Often the cause of betrayal is a lack of attention, respect, and common interests.
The fear of losing a loved one often becomes the basis for more harmonious relationships, even after betrayal. Shared happiness is a treasure that must be protected.
No matter how difficult it is to survive betrayal, even from this situation you can emerge victorious and count on a happy life. But all this will be the result of enormous work on oneself, because it is very difficult to restore faith in a partner. You should always listen to the opinion of your loved one, showing respect and understanding, because often the absence of this leads to the search for a relationship on the side.
How to forgive the betrayal of a loved one?
If your spouse or someone you care about cheated on you, then you must be feeling hurt, shocked, and unsure of what to do next. If you want to stay in a relationship, now is the time to sort out your feelings, the relationship between you and your partner, and work on moving forward. Forgiving a cheater is never easy, but these few steps will help you get through it.
Decide whether you should forgive the cheater
This is the most important step. Before you do it, you have to decide if it's worth it. No matter how much you love your significant other, you should know that forgiving an infidelity can be one of the most difficult and emotionally challenging things you will ever do.
Take a break to cool down
It doesn't matter if you want to talk about it, yell at the offender, or even hurt him in return - don't do this immediately after you find out about the cheating. If you can't cope with your emotions after finding out about the affair, then it's time to take a break. If you already know about the affair, but your partner does not know that you are aware of it, then you should consider how to tell him how you found out about it.
This is a very difficult step. You may think that the sooner you talk about it, the sooner you can make up your mind, but this is not true. If you start the conversation too early, you may make the situation worse.
Spend some time walking, working, or just crying in your room. Do whatever you need to do to blow off steam and help yourself think clearly.
You may even need to spend a few weeks apart from your partner. If you live together, then this causes its own difficulties, try to spend time with friends, family, or even stay in a hotel if necessary.
Don't blame yourself
This must not be easy and may be one of the most difficult parts of the process. Don't think that your loved one cheated on you because you are not attractive enough, not sociable enough, or too busy with work or children and therefore cannot pay enough attention to your relationship.
Your partner cheated on you and it's his fault. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this behavior (unless you cheated first, but that's a completely different case.)
You should never blame yourself for your partner's cheating, but you can reflect on your actions that may have led to the cooling of your relationship. Reflect on your relationship as a whole.
Also, never let your partner blame you. If this happens, leave immediately.
Summarize your relationship
When you feel empowered, you should think about your relationship with the person who cheated on you. How do you feel about this person? Can you imagine your future without him? Is this really a serious relationship or are you just afraid of breaking up?
What's special about your relationship? Do you really want to forgive the person who cheated on you because you want to maintain a great relationship with him or simply because you are afraid of being alone? If you can't find a reason why your relationship is special, then you should end the relationship.
How would you describe the development of your relationship? Was everything good for a long time and then suddenly went bad, or did everything slowly deteriorate over time? Try to think about the reasons that led to this development of the relationship.
Make sure your partner is committed to making the relationship work
If you decide that you want to forgive this person for certain reasons and your relationship is worth saving, then make sure your partner feels the same way before you commit to months or even years of hard work on the relationship.
Make sure your partner truly regrets what they did. There is a huge difference between talking about it and actually feeling it.
Make sure your partner isn't just sorry, but is also willing to move on with you.
When can you not forgive betrayal?
But in some cases, betrayal cannot be forgiven. Signs of such a situation are:
- Unwillingness to repent. If a partner does not realize his mistake, justifies his actions with accusations, considers the situation to be ordinary, you need to understand that such an attitude will invariably lead to a repetition of his action.
- Repeated betrayal. When a situation is repeated more than once, there is a risk that this will become a habit. In such cases, it is useless to believe promises; a person betrays and does it easily.
- No promise that the situation will not happen again. This alone should alert you and hint at a desire not to make empty promises.
- Double life. The fact of treason was hidden for years. If a person lied for so long and skillfully, then it is better not to have any business with him; deception has become the norm for him.
- The cheater directly says that he has feelings for his lover or mistress and cannot break off the relationship. What's the point of living with someone who doesn't love you anymore?
- Both of their feelings faded, but no one dared to say it directly. Betrayal will serve as an impetus for a breakup that was inevitable.
- Inability to forgive. It is impossible to live together, constantly experiencing suffering, always blaming your partner. This will only lead to stress.
In any of these cases, it is worth breaking off the relationship, otherwise you will have to constantly live in anticipation of a repetition of the situation and admit that you are inferior. Being under constant stress is harmful to the psyche.
Revenge is a dish served cold
Betrayal gives rise to a storm of emotions. The victim experiences humiliation and feels betrayed. The only thought spinning in my head is revenge! Revenge in this case is perceived as a way to prove to a partner that he is not the only one free to act as he pleases. Of course, the first thing that comes to mind is retaliatory betrayal. But it should be noted right away that this idea will not bring anything good. The feeling of guilt will only worsen, to which will be added the awareness of oneself as a traitor.
READ How to understand that a girl is cheating on you: main signs
Revenge pushes you onto the path of self-destruction, deals a blow to pride, self-esteem, and at least for some moment brings satisfaction.
How to forgive your husband's betrayal?
It's already happened. Knowing the reason is important so that this does not happen again in your life, no matter with this man or with another. To prevent this from happening again, you definitely need to change something in the relationship. Therefore, to further build relationships in loyalty to each other, find your reason among them and from today begin to build relationships in a new way.
It doesn’t matter whether you are going to leave your husband or want to save the relationship and start building it differently, in fidelity and mutual respect. We present to you three steps that you should follow in order to forgive your husband and get out of the low emotional level you are currently at. So, how to forgive your husband’s betrayal and move on - three steps:
Step 1: Acceptance and Forgiveness
If you find out the reason why this happened, then frankly, calmly, without hysterics, talk to your husband about this reason. If the reason remains unclear to you, try to gently and patiently find out through a sincere conversation. If a man is interested in you forgiving him, he will do everything to convey to you the true essence of what happened.
Reasons such as “I couldn’t restrain myself” or “I got drunk and didn’t control myself” are not suitable. These are rather consequences of some deeper reason. If harmony, trust and understanding reign in your family, your man will never lose control of himself, this simply will not happen to him. Therefore, look deeper for the reason.
Try to get to the bottom of it together. If you feel that your husband is avoiding sincere confession, gently continue the conversation. Understand that life always returns us to the same situations until we learn our lesson. Until you get to the bottom of the true reason and are trying to turn a blind eye to it, the situation will repeat itself in your life again and again. Therefore, this is important first of all for you. Once you understand the reason, you should feel better.
Step 2. His responsibility
The next step towards forgiveness should be the man's. He must take responsibility for what happened and do everything on his part so that you forgive him. Your role in this is to express what you don’t like, say what you would like to hear from him, talk about your needs.
If this seems difficult to you or you think that the man will not do as you ask, then you are probably in the role of a victim in the relationship. How to get out of it and learn to express everything that you don’t like and doesn’t suit you, read in this article.
Talk to your husband frankly and convey to him exactly what actions he must take in order for you to forgive him. What actions or words did he say that might help you forgive? Think about what needs to happen, what he should do or how to behave so that it will help you forgive?
Step 3: Letting Go
The last step in forgiveness should be the symbolic release of the offense. Write down on a piece of paper all the thoughts that you have related to this betrayal. All the thoughts you want to let go of. Write it yourself and ask your husband to do the same. There is no need to read each other's sheets. Crumple them and burn them together. It is advisable to do this near any body of water and float it along the water. Or, as a last resort, open the window and throw the burned sheet outside.
Disadvantages of civil marriage
The main disadvantage of a civil marriage is that the man does not feel responsible. And he reasons that “I’m not married, and therefore sex with a new girlfriend does not oblige me to anything. And if my regular girlfriend starts to be indignant, then I’m not her husband.” This reasoning of an unmarried man is fair, it’s a fact!
But for some reason the girls think that this is not true at all. That living with a man in a civil marriage, a girl considers him her husband. She shares her bed, her time, her life with him. She completely changes her daily routine, cooking and washing for him, and is already planning what color hair their children will have.
A man doesn’t think like that at all. He thinks as we described the situation above. And after this, so many broken hearts and destinies result. They lived and lived and ran away. How to forgive betrayal in this case?
A man in a civil marriage does not see anything reprehensible in sex on the side; he does not even consider it cheating. And in the future, he also will not and does not want to limit himself and take on obligations for the relationships that exist now. Therefore, the girl should accept the fact that he does not consider her the only one with whom he is ready to build a relationship, and therefore cheats on her.
How to forgive your wife's betrayal?
The news of a loved one's adultery causes a monstrous storm in the head. The worst and most painful feelings torment the soul - resentment, anger, desire for revenge, to pour out accumulated aggression, despair, uncertainty about the future. The best way out is to take a break and get your nerves in order. Only by calming down and thinking about the situation can you find the right way out. What should you do if you have not completely lost trust in your beloved and your wife begs you to forgive the betrayal:
- Analyze your past life, look for your own mistakes that influenced your spouse’s actions.
- We need to figure out exactly what devils were guiding his wife, and how sincere her current repentance is.
- Think carefully about whether you are able to continue to exist next to your wife and stay in the same bed after cheating.
- Decide whether your love is so strong and forgiving. Understand right away that it will be extremely difficult to achieve the former well-being in a relationship without mutual compromises.
- Have a frank conversation, even if it threatens an unpleasant squabble with mutual reproaches.
- Try to discuss the situation in your unhappy marriage together.
- If you can’t completely forget the betrayal, then try to perceive it as the consequences of temporary insanity.
- Try to forgive your wife sincerely. By periodically throwing hints and memories of betrayal in your face, you will instantly worsen the cracks in the relationship.
If you can't forgive betrayal?
If you cannot forgive your partner, then it is better to leave. If you have already tried everything, but you feel that you are still full of anger and resentment, and cannot find a way to move on, then it’s time to call it a day. If you can't communicate with your partner, let alone touch them, or if you always feel like your partner is always surrounded by the opposite sex, then it's time to end the relationship.
It's much better to end a relationship than to force yourself to find a reason why it's not working. Your resentment may only grow and may lead you to hurt the other person by cheating on them or become so emotionally distant that communication becomes impossible.
Remember that even if a person has made great efforts to become a better person after cheating, it may simply be too late. Just because a person is trying very hard right now, you shouldn't hold on to him if you understand that this is not necessary.
You can feel proud that you tried to get through something incredibly difficult, even if it didn't end in success. In any case, it requires enormous courage.
How to avoid cheating in the future?
Cheating cannot be considered the reason for the breakdown of your relationship with your other half. This is rather a consequence. It wouldn’t even occur to either spouse to cheat just like that. First, there is some discord in the relationship, and only then against this background does betrayal occur.
Even if it seems to you that the betrayal occurred for no apparent reason, then you are deeply mistaken. Perhaps you simply missed the moment when family relationships took a negative turn.
Unfortunately, until now experts have not been able to find a universal recipe that would help many couples avoid infidelity. For each individual case it is worth looking for your own solution to the problem. But how can you recognize the alarm bell that signals that love has begun to crumble?
Despite all the nuances, there are several important levers that will help spouses avoid cheating. True, you should learn to use them correctly.
In family relationships, you should never tolerate disrespect towards your partner.
Many married couples make a huge mistake, sorting things out with each other in a raised voice, uttering insulting and not entirely flattering words towards each other.
Knowing about their weak points, they “hit” each other where it hurts the most. It seems to many that after reconciliation, all these offensive phrases spoken in the heat of emotion are forgotten. But no, the words, unfortunately, do not return back to their authors, but remain in the souls of those to whom they were addressed.
Alas, respect in this scenario completely disappears, and, as you know, without respect one cannot talk about the harmonious development of relations between lovers. We can say that betrayal becomes the logical conclusion of outdated love.
You need to constantly monitor your appearance
No matter how much family partners love each other, they should not forget about their own appearance. No matter how strange it may sound, it is appearance that plays one of the main roles in the relationship between a man and a woman.
When a representative of the fairer sex stops caring for herself, her man, on a subconscious level, begins to look for a more attractive object for courtship on the side. No, love for your wife, of course, does not go away, but men, as you know, love with their eyes and want to see an attractive woman next to them.
Don't allow indifference in relationships
Partners in family relationships often forget to show due attention to their loved ones and do not look at the happy and unsuccessful moments in the life of their other half.
The spouses seem to be confident that they have love, but at the same time they experience a certain indifference. What kind of love can we talk about in this case in a family where everyone is for himself? And in relationships where there is no love, betrayal often becomes a natural phenomenon.
Constantly fight for your own love
The nature of betrayal can be completely different. Sometimes they can only be provocations of ill-wishers, and sometimes even ordinary inventions of their own.
If you really have feelings for your partner, fight for your own love. Even if it is too painful and unclear how you can continue to live with a person who could betray you, do not forget that in our life all situations can be interpreted in two ways.
Try to look at the situation from a different angle. It is likely that the current crisis will become a new stage in family relationships, which will only strengthen them. If you find the strength to forgive your lover and return your old feelings, then, without a doubt, you will be able to find family happiness again.
Why is it difficult to decide
Sometimes it seems that it is easy to understand yourself and make the right decision. But in reality, it is very difficult to understand what exactly you want. Too many life moments get in the way. They interfere with making a decision; a person is constantly faced with a choice, fearing the condemnation of loved ones and the loss of material well-being. Most often, one’s own pride gets in the way.
READ How to get your husband away from his mistress and save your marriage
Opinions of friends and relatives
In most cases, cheating is perceived as betrayal. The problem is that the public is not inclined to understand the situation. Relatives and friends will most likely provide support, but will advise you to break off the relationship. The victim of betrayal will begin to doubt even more.
It is important to understand here that if a person has decided to forgive the deceiver, then he cannot look at the opinions of others. The consequences of the decision made will not fall on their shoulders; only the one who was cheated on will have to live with it. What then is the point of adapting to others?
Psychologists advise not to talk about adultery even to loved ones, since their opinion may negatively affect the further development of events.
Family comfort
Sometimes it is necessary to forgive betrayal against your own desires. This happens for the following reasons:
- Children will grow up in a complete family, which is important for their normal development. You will be able to spend a lot of time with them.
- You won’t have to look for additional sources of income to feed your family.
- A working man and a woman looking after the house are comfortable in everyday life.
- Mortgage or other financial obligation.
- In case of divorce, you will have to look for new housing.
- The status of a divorced woman is a moral hindrance.
- Lack of desire to deal with paperwork during a divorce.
- Unbearability of the thought of the impossibility of saving the family.
Fear of divorce often prevents you from doing any business; all attention is focused on the thought: to separate or forgive. But in any case, you only need to take into account your own desires and psychological comfort, and not the influence of external factors.
A person has to live with the decision he has made, he won’t be able to step over himself forever, and there is no point in preserving an unhappy family.
Own ego
Pride and one's own ego greatly interfere with making the final decision. On the one hand, you want to forgive the betrayal, but on the other hand, you need to save face. Forgiveness is perceived as a sign of weakness, humility, permission to change in the future.
But in reality it's not like that. Forgiveness is a manifestation of mercy, inner strength. The relationship between spouses is the result of hard work, and not an eternal confrontation. Is it worth destroying something that took so much effort, time and nerves? It is much easier to give a person another chance. Most likely, he will appreciate such a manifestation of generosity.
