Remorse is a despondency experienced in the present as a result of a past offense, a semblance of a desire to shame one’s own person. They can have great intensity of manifestations and at the same time are not considered a virtue. However, it relates to morality, because it represents a value judgment of one’s own actions and words (painful awareness of one’s bad misconduct). To be tormented by remorse is akin to nostalgia. When the will to correct what has been done is added to mental groaning, it transforms into repentance. Previously, it was believed that torment of conscience was a product of the functioning of a certain part of the brain, localized in the forehead area. It turned out that former scientists were not entirely far from the truth. The causes of internal torment are indeed hidden in the human body, but not so much in the gray cells as in the genes. Also, the degree of their expression is determined by upbringing and social environment.
What it is
An amazing property of human consciousness is conscientiousness. It cannot be touched, it cannot be bought or sold, it cannot be given as a gift, but it exists. She can be seen by others, she can sleep peacefully or torment a person.
Some consider conscience to be a useless attribute or an atavism. After all, such an “accessory” only interferes with normal life activities and prevents you from “getting high” from being. Conscientiousness seems to gnaw at a person’s soul from the inside; he cannot let go of his own wrongdoing; he is tormented by a feeling of guilt, which is much worse than the reproaches of the surrounding society. The words of strangers can easily be ignored, but the voice of conscience cannot be drowned out.
Therefore, the expression of remorse should be understood as a kind of means of self-control, like an inner voice extinguishing that since you have messed things up, it would be nice to correct them, otherwise it will be worse.
Thus, pangs of conscience are the mental discomfort that any individual experiences after causing an offense, committing a bad act, or insulting someone. The sufferer gives himself an assessment of his own actions or thoughts. If actions go against one’s own internal censor, the result is mental discomfort.
All unpleasant experiences, as well as remorse, are usually provoked either by a discrepancy in one’s own eyes between existing moral principles and the actions taken, or by the anticipation of unpleasant educational “acts” on the part of censure and condemnation. After all, everyone wants to consider themselves a worthy person, everyone likes to think well of themselves.
Mental anguish is directly proportional to the virtues that are instilled in a person and are alive in him, and not to human vices.
Thus, human subjects may feel remorse as a result of an act committed, a word spoken, or even a thought, but this is inherent in an adult, mature personality.
General information about this verb
As mentioned above, “to torture” is a verb of the II conjugation.
In a sentence, in most cases, it acts as a predicate, and a simple verb.
Answers the questions “what to do?” or “what should I do?” It can be replaced with the following synonyms: “to mock”, “to cause harm”, “to torture”, etc.
It is also possible to replace it with “begin torment.” If such a replacement does not change the meaning, then the word is guaranteed to be used in its literal sense.
Reason for appearance
Many people are familiar with the feeling of pressure felt in the soul, a stream of endless thoughts, informing that the job is done and the situation can no longer be corrected. If this state of affairs drags on and a person does not take any action to correct what he has done, then after mental anguish comes a feeling of guilt, giving way to depression. In this case, it is absolutely unimportant whether the individual is really so seriously guilty. It is important how the individual evaluates his own actions.
Remorse is a process in which a person becomes a judge of his own personality. However, such a court, just like a trial in real life, is not always fair, but its significant difference is its integrity.
The feeling of guilt is often quite dangerous for an individual, because he, consumed by this feeling, destroys his own personality. A prolonged and persistent feeling of guilt brings discomfort and causes harm not only to the individual himself, but also to those around him. This is the main problem with remorse.
Below are the most common reasons that give rise to pangs of conscience, namely:
- deception;
– causing undeserved offense to loved ones;
– ignoring requests, orders, instructions, instructions related to work activities;
– thoughtless statements of an offensive nature, uttered in a fit of anger;
– disclosure of entrusted secrets;
– inappropriate behavior due to the influence of alcoholic intoxication, for example, at a corporate party;
– committing acts that contradict a person’s existing moral principles;
– secrets from a marriage partner or parents;
– events that gave rise to tragic consequences (for example, injuries, death).
The above list is just the most common reasons, but there are also a huge number of factors that cause mental anguish. After all, each person has an individual threshold of conscientiousness.
I'll fix everything!
Guilt entails regret about what happened and empathy for the person we feel guilty about. It is important to acknowledge this, to express it. The very fact of recognition (“Yes, I did wrong, I apologize!”) brings relief to the one you offended.
It happens that confession and repentance alone are not enough. You need to correct your mistake with real deeds and action. And a responsible person will readily agree to this, especially if the one who suffered the damage (moral or material) tells him how to compensate for it. This is a conversation between two adults: “I’m sorry, I didn’t keep my promise, but I’m ready to fix everything.” - “Okay, this can be done then and there.” Thus, the situation is resolved, the damage is compensated and the feeling of guilt goes away.
If the victim still takes the position of a victim, reminds you of how bad it was for him, expresses dissatisfaction and continues to initiate feelings of guilt in you, this is manipulation. Forgiving you, leaving the situation in the past is not interesting for him; it is beneficial for him to continue to pull your emotional strings and demand compensation. If you succumb to this, you may never get out of difficult experiences and unhealthy interactions.
Scientists have identified the part of the human brain responsible for conscience
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How to say “no” without remorse
Probably everyone has encountered situations when it is quite difficult to refuse, it is difficult to pronounce the three simple letters that make up the word “no”. First of all, in order to learn to pronounce these treasured letters when there is no desire or opportunity to fulfill a request, you need to realize for yourself that no one owes anything to anyone. Realizing this will make your life much easier.
You should also not allow yourself to feel guilty about refusing to satisfy someone’s request. To do this, it is important to understand that disagreement to help, to fulfill the request of the person asking, does not imply a refusal to a specific person, it is just a disagreement to do what you do not want. At the same time, you need to say no confidently, explaining clearly and calmly the reason for the refusal.
You need to understand that when you refuse there is no room for feelings of guilt. First of all, this feeling is an emotion that appears when a person does something bad or wrong. That is, it is normal to feel guilty after hurting someone, but “no” does not hurt. A person will simply have to do for himself what he wanted to do or what he expected help with. It may be unpleasant for him, but it certainly won’t hurt. Therefore, a banal refusal should not entail mental anguish.
The easiest way to refuse is to reject a request for help with the offer of a so-called “consolation prize”, for example, saying that workload does not allow help with writing a thesis and offering a link to a suitable source. At the same time, it is necessary to offer an alternative not based on a feeling of guilt, but precisely because of a sincere desire to help.
Also, an objective explanation of the reasons by external circumstances beyond the person’s control will help not to feel mental anguish when refusing.
Often, a trouble-free person only makes things worse for those who ask, because they get used to relying not on their own strengths, but on outside help. This is very relaxing and leads to the fact that people who abuse requests begin to believe that they are simply obliged to help. The consequence of this is complete lack of independence.
Merciless Judge
Of course, not all mistakes can be corrected. And then the feeling of guilt covers up helplessness and powerlessness to change anything. For example, people faced with a serious illness and death of loved ones blame themselves for not doing everything to save them. And this happens even if it was impossible to actually do anything. If a person does not have a guilt complex brought up from childhood, such experiences are replaced by grief and acceptance of what happened. Otherwise, the trauma of loss can last for many years, burying the person alive under the weight of non-existent guilt.
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Sometimes the feeling of guilt becomes persistent, total and burning from the inside. People live with him for years, in eternal self-condemnation and self-accusation, constantly hearing an inner voice that pronounces the sentence: “You are to blame, you have no forgiveness.” Chronic guilt is destructive, it weakens and devastates, deprives you of self-confidence and, most importantly, prevents you from making the right decisions. Feeling guilty, we get stuck in the past, although we should live in the present and look to the future.
How to get rid of remorse
How often, after committing any act, a person feels remorse, he is troubled by the pangs of conscience, and is gnawing at a feeling of guilt. Often such torments have a reason, but it also often happens that they overcome a person for no reason. At the same time, some individuals have learned to cope with this very well, while for others it can plunge them into a whirlpool of depression. That’s why it’s so important to learn to overcome feelings of remorse.
Finding out the reasons that gave rise to it and changing your attitude towards the situation that caused mental anguish will help you cope with this scourge.
Having done something unseemly, you should not immediately classify yourself as a “bad” person. It must be remembered that every human subject makes mistakes. Therefore, one should fully accept what happened, and not just its individual aspect, and analyze the reason that led to these unseemly actions. It is also important to remember the time when mental torment appeared and soberly consider whether there is actually some guilt or not. If a conscious analysis leads to the fact that the basis of the experience is only an illusion, then it will become much easier to overcome.
If the conclusions led to the realization of the insignificance of guilt, then it is necessary to understand that this has already happened and there are no reasons for self-torture. You need to learn from what happened and determine your future behavior in similar situations, but torturing yourself is not constructive.
In addition, there are at least two ways out of any supposedly “hopeless” situation. Hence, those suffering from “bullying” of conscience are faced with the following prospect: either continue to suffer further, or take at least some action to correct the situation.
Since conscience is the ability of people to determine their own moral standards, boundaries of morality, rules of behavior and the ability to control their compliance, the best way out is sincere repentance and, as a result, an apology to the injured party.
“Torments” or “torments” - which form of the verb is outdated
There is an opinion that one of the forms of this verb is considered obsolete. It's true, and that verb is "to torture"
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It is often found in classical Russian literature of the 19th and 20th centuries, and was often used in translations of outstanding works by foreign authors. Over time, the word began to be replaced by another word form, more correct and neutral.
Nowadays, modern authors write only the word “torture” in their works, since text writing programs perceive the outdated spelling as an error, which naturally frightens writers.
The emotion shame - concept and psychology
What is shame?
In psychology, shame is understood as an emotion that arises in a person as a result of the inconsistency of his behavior with the norms accepted by society, as well as the moral norms accepted in it.
At the same time, the influence of a feeling of shame on a person directly depends on the level of its sensation and perception . So, if the emotion of shame is not strongly expressed, then it can prevent some of his actions.
And on the contrary, if the feeling is strong, then it can push a person to take some actions that he would not do in another situation, most often thoughtlessly.
Psychologists note that the emotion of shame itself is directly related to a person’s moral values , his idea of good and bad.
And when he crosses the line and realizes that his actions or actions are on the side of the bad, then shame arises.
How to overcome shyness? Advice from psychologists will help you!
How to stop being ashamed of yourself?
How to deal with shame? There are basically two ways to deal with shame:
- Drown down this emotion within yourself. Let’s say right away that this method is a failure. But, as a rule, this is the first thing that comes to a person’s mind. He tries to suppress unwanted emotions, push away unpleasant thoughts, and hide them deep in the subconscious.
But in fact, the emotion of shame is so strong that you can’t just get rid of it.As a result, a person will live under the yoke of negative emotions and sooner or later they will find a way out, and not in the most pleasant way (even mental disorders due to this are possible).
- Allow the emotions to come out. In this case, it is necessary to try to allow the emotion of shame to manifest itself as often as possible and to recreate life situations. For example, if you are embarrassed to speak in public, then you need to challenge yourself and give lectures, lead some events, etc. After some time, you will understand that there is absolutely nothing shameful in these actions and the emotion of shame will recede.
In fact, both of these methods are dubious and are based on the fact that you block the feeling of shame.
Yes, they may work, but most likely the shame will return later. So what should you do then?
- Start with yourself. Realize that you are actually just ashamed of yourself. Your words, actions, voice, body, deeds. Only when you realize this simple truth can you move on.
- Accept your emotion. You are an ordinary person, just like everyone else. And you have every right to feel emotions. All people are ashamed of something, there is absolutely nothing special about it.
- Become more confident in yourself. Your lack of acceptance of your own emotions comes from the fact that you are insecure. You are afraid that someone will think the wrong thing about you or that you will look ridiculous. Work on yourself, develop a sense of confidence.
- Understand that no one is perfect. Neither you nor those around you.
Your dissatisfaction with yourself, together with uncertainty, results in a feeling of shame for yourself. Don't invent an ideal image for yourself, because it is impossible to achieve it. - Don't compare. All people are different, they have both positive and negative traits. Therefore, it is stupid to think that you are ashamed of yourself because you are not like your friend or a famous person.
"Spanish"
Spanish shame refers to the feeling of embarrassment that a person feels because of others .
That is, it is shame not for one’s own actions, but for the actions of other people.
Moreover, these do not necessarily have to be others, they can be strangers or even characters from the film.
How to stop feeling Spanish shame? In order to understand this, it is necessary to rely on where this feeling even comes from. Most likely, you mentally compare yourself with the person for whom you are now ashamed.
Perhaps you could very well find yourself in his place or in a similar situation. Maybe you have similar external features or character traits.
One way or another, in order to get rid of this unpleasant feeling, you need to stop comparing yourself with another person.
You need to understand that you are not responsible for his actions , you cannot do this. You can only be responsible for your own actions. Therefore, you cannot use the feeling of shame for them.
The next time you experience Spanish shame, mentally say to yourself, “I cannot take responsibility for other people. I’m not doing anything now that I could be ashamed of.” After this you will feel better.
"Narcissistic"
Narcissistic shame refers to the emotion felt by a person with high self-esteem at the moment when he feels a certain gap in his greatness .
That is, simply put, he compares his own expectations (inflated opinion of himself) and harsh reality (what kind of person he really is).
As soon as a narcissist develops a feeling of shame, he begins to feel worthless, stupid, and pathetic . Such thoughts can completely consume him and even lead to depression.
How to overcome narcissistic shame?
- You need to admit that you are afraid to be yourself. You came up with some image for yourself that you couldn’t live up to. And because of this you are now suffering.
Understand that in this way you are only doing that you are running away from the real you. Realize that you don't have to live in fear of exposure.Now it seems to you that you are not pretending to be who you really are. And you worry that at some point others will reveal your secret.
- Stop pretending. Start listening to your own desires. Don't create any image. Just live. Just be who you are. And believe me, those around you will accept you.
- Don't pursue far-fetched goals. It seems to you that you do not live up to your own ideas because you have not achieved some goals that you, for some unknown reason, set for yourself. So you go out of your way to become at least a little closer to your image. And you are ashamed that you are not like that. So stop torturing yourself.
How to love yourself? Find out about this from our article.
The “residence” of conscience in the human body
Few people know, but there is a very interesting theory. According to it, each organ also has a spiritual function, in addition to the physiological one. For example, the heart is responsible for mental pain. Ear diseases, as it turns out, arise due to the fact that a person is sensitive to refusals and reproaches from other people. At the same time, the stomach, digesting food, “absorbs” impressions along with it. And the kidneys are supposedly responsible for conscience in the human body.
The spiritual and physiological functions of this paired organ are similar. At the physical level, the kidneys cleanse the body of waste and toxins. On the spiritual level, they similarly try to “bring out” all the worst things that poison our consciousness. True, it doesn’t always work out.
How to deal with pangs of conscience?
It turns out that you don’t even have to listen to the so-called voice of reason, ignore it. Our brain does this in some cases. For example, when a person’s head has thoughts more important than self-flagellation about this or that curiosity. How to get rid of pangs of conscience? You just need to learn to respect yourself. After all, if a person has low self-esteem, he will be afraid of doing something wrong. Consequently, the individual will constantly involuntarily remind himself of the punctures.
Some have a tendency to invent false excuses for themselves, which, in their opinion, could save them from remorse. But it was not there! After all, those who look for excuses are never right in the end. Therefore, you need to exclude the invention of reasons for innocence and properly scold yourself for what you have done.
