Family: what is it? Definition, main functions

In this article we will tell you:

Is a family obligatory for an adult?
Who better not to start a family?

The question “How to start a family?” Usually asked by people who do not have a life partner, are looking for new acquaintances and dream of finding love. In some cases, one of the partners (usually a man) may not be ready for a serious family relationship

When both people in a couple love and respect each other, have similar views and priorities, the question of how to start a family does not arise. You can think seriously about marriage and children only after you meet a suitable partner. Psychologists do not advise making creating a family the meaning and purpose of life, since in this case a person becomes obsessed with the idea, which usually does not lead to anything good.

What is family - its importance in human life

Have you ever thought about what a family is?
What is its meaning and what significance does it have in your life? From the school curriculum we remember that “the family is the social unit of society.” It is intuitively clear that a person is a social being, which means he always strives to be part of a group (class, team, friends, interest group, party). Few people are able to enjoy constant solitude. Probably only avid introverts.

Most are afraid of being alone in life and build close connections with people - this is due to the structure of our psyche at the level of instincts - what is it? It turns out that family is one of the ways to “be with someone, someone’s” in this world? Let's take a closer look.

Confidence

Family is where a person expects to trust and be trusted.

From childhood we are taught not to trust anyone: unfamiliar uncles, unfamiliar aunts, Santa Clauses and Snow Maidens, as well as the local police officer, who is not a local police officer at all and is not a policeman at all.

But that's not the point. From childhood we learn the model that we cannot trust anyone, even if we really want to. Therefore, life will definitely give us situations where we will become even more confirmed in this belief...

But inside we still want to at least trust someone. Of course, not everyone, but there must be someone who will not betray us and whom we will not betray. This is trust.

You get tired of seeing competitors, enemies, rivals and potential envious people everywhere. You want to trust another person and not make a mistake. You want to trust and be confident. This is what a good family can give us.

Photo: Depositphotos

History of the concept

According to scientists, initially wild people, descended from monkeys, lived in communities. The instinct of procreation prompted men (males) to fight among themselves for the right to own a woman (female), i.e. for having sexual relations with her. The latter allowed only the strongest and most active ones near them in order to have healthy offspring.

Mental evolution allowed men to understand that if they bring a “mammoth” to their chosen one and protect her from wild animals, then they can become her permanent partner. And while others were measuring their strength, the most cunning were hunting.

Women also changed their priorities: a permanent partner provided stability, protection, food, shelter and protection in return for her favor. This is how the first families began to appear, which over time changed their appearance and organization, acquired new conditions of existence, and internal responsibilities.

Important advice!

Another aspect that is worth highlighting as a separate item is the ability to forgive. Every person makes mistakes. After all, if you do something for the first time, then shortcomings are possible.

If a person has made a mistake and sincerely repents of it, then forget and forgive. No one is immune from unpleasant incidents. Also, you should not remind your partner about the problem and make it a “life lesson.” Family happiness consists of care and warmth. You build it yourself, invest tenderness. Creating a family for a woman is the most important thing in her life.

‍‍ What is a family, from the point of view of Russian legislation

The main legal act regulating the situation of Russian families is the Family Code (FC) of the Russian Federation. It was adopted in 1995, but is regularly updated and supplemented with new provisions. The latest amendments to it date back to February 6, 2021.

A family is a circle of persons who are interconnected by certain rights and obligations arising from marriage, family ties, adoption or other forms of fostering children.

In the Russian updated Constitution, marriage relations were established exclusively as a union of a man and a woman (without options), and raising a child in the family became a priority direction of state policy.

Who is a family member

The concept of a family member is interpreted ambiguously by Russian legislation. So, according to paragraph 1 of Art. 31 of the Housing Code (LC) of the Russian Federation, family members include all persons living in the same territory as the owner, his children, spouse and parents. Based on Art. 2 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, the family includes:

spouses;
parents and children (including adopted children).

The fact that you live together does not matter. At the same time, for example, the grandmother is not a family member for her grandson, although she belongs to his close relatives.

Children remain family members even after they reach adulthood. But there are some nuances: for example, children in a military family over 18 years of age, for the most part, according to the law “On the Status of Military Personnel,” are no longer part of the family.

Brothers and sisters are part of the family, but are recognized as close relatives.

Ex-wife or husband, cohabitants (so-called common-law spouses) are not family members.

Characteristic features of family legal relations

Characteristic features of family relationships are:

Voluntariness.
Gratuitous basis.
Lasting character.
Based on law and legal norms. In Russia, only marriages concluded in the civil registry office are recognized. The termination of a marriage occurs through the registry office or court.
Inalienability: family rights are not transferable to third parties. The law defines the subject composition of the family: spouses, children and parents.

“We have forgotten why a family is created” (+VIDEO)

Is it possible to build a family life without conflicts or at least make them less destructive? Why are today's spouses sometimes so intolerant of each other? Is the husband always the head of the family, and what does it actually mean to be the head of the family? And are both quarreling people always to blame for conflicts? Is the spouses’ churching the key to a strong marriage? We talk with Archpriest Dimitry Smirnov about the situation on the family front - today sometimes you can’t say otherwise, there are such battles between two seemingly loving people.

– Father Dimitri, hello! Thank you very much for agreeing to answer questions from the Pravoslavie.ru portal. Today we would like to talk about conflicts in the family. In your opinion, what is the catalyst for these conflicts?

– Conflicts happen not only in the family. Much more often they are at work; they can be in a classroom, in a military team... or just on a tram. I don’t know how it is in space, but I suspect that they cannot help but be there, especially when the flight is long. This, unfortunately, is an ordinary situation for a person.

And the reasons are that all people are free and everyone has their own interests. And since all people are proud, they put their own interests higher than the interests of another person.

If a conflict manifests itself in a large meeting of people, then the general meeting can put a person in his place. For example, when it is a full-fledged and multi-generational family, or, to put it in a more understandable language, a clan. There, too, there are conflicts, and there may be shouting and resentment, but the clan decides whether to be this way or that way. And when the family is small, a three-year-old child can already be the head of it.

– Literally?

- Yes, literally. He solves everything - with the help of screams and hysterics. He is used to getting his way at all costs, and by the age of three this becomes a stable skill, so that he begins to rule everyone.

– And if this is not understood, then what could this lead to in the future?

- To the point that he will become a very difficult person to communicate with. Of course, the range of his techniques will expand, but in principle everything will be the same, to which he has been accustomed since the age of three.

– Is it possible to somehow correct this situation?

“It doesn’t need to be corrected; it needs to be worked on from the moment he was born, and even earlier.”

Procession

I’ll emphasize right away: I’m talking about the family only as a domestic Church, only as a Christian family, because I don’t know anything else. And the kind of family God intended - and it was intended precisely as a domestic Church - for me is the most suitable way for people to survive. Therefore, everything that the world understands by family is beyond the scope of my interests. Let sociologists or specialists in criminal law deal with these conflicts, I am not very interested.

Most of our marriages are carried out hastily, thoughtlessly: people starting a family are completely unprepared for this

Most of our marriages are carried out hastily, thoughtlessly: people getting married are completely unprepared for this - neither psychologically, nor in such a scientific way, or even in terms of that. They simply succumb to a very powerful attraction to the opposite sex, which all mammals have at a certain period of their lives. For people, of course, this shouldn’t be the case, because we have been given reason, we have tradition and we have religion. And there are always people who you can ask for advice, who are wise from life experience. If young people rely only on themselves, then “Mr. Chance” operates: lucky/unlucky. This is how sayings like “I have no luck with men” arise. The attitude towards marriage as a search for a man is a purely animal attitude. Of course, nothing good will come of this.

– Father, there is a widespread belief that every family at a certain time - in a year, in three years, in seven years... - is experiencing a crisis. Do you agree with this?

A person changes over time, but we are not ready to accept the new in him

- No. Although you can take a closer look at this data. The point is this: there are certain psychological patterns of the average Soviet person. Over the course of life, a person changes, these changes accumulate, and suddenly people see something new in another person. But the majority are categorically not ready to accept certain discoveries in each other. If there was a certain tradition - educational, spiritual, family and educational, then people would be ready for such changes and would overcome the “crises” that arise from these situations quite easily. And since our people live in complete darkness about this, they don’t know what to do. They are completely unprepared for childhood crises; for example, they do not know what to do with them.

Modern parents are capable of only one thing - to take the child so that he does not bother him - anywhere: to children's institutions, which everyone longs for, or to grandmothers... And to delve into the situation themselves, read some book about it, start working with their own child, find out what he lacks, what spiritual vitamin... Well, what are you talking about! Just now I saw a fragment of one program: a mother accuses her daughter of starting to steal at the age of eight. But any person involved in pedagogy will say: if a child starts stealing at the age of 8, this is not a sign that he is a thief and will become a thief in the future, it just means that the child lacks affection. Because children who steal usually buy candy, biscuits, and chewing gum and give it to their peers in order to earn their favor, which to some extent compensates for this lack of affection. And the thirst for this affection is so great that they are ready to endure screaming and beatings from their mother. Because the desire for affection is very strong, and mothers get used to beatings just like they get used to the fact that it snows in winter.

– Can a person who has not yet “finished his wings” before marriage grow up in family life and find an incentive for his inner growth?

– It happens, but quite rarely. Usually this lack of development - when there is no faith, no feelings, no mind, no heart - leads to the fact that even very elderly people, of retirement age, act like dogs every day - I know this from confession. It becomes their way of life. They react to everything in the same way as children in kindergarten. They constantly snarl, put each bast in a line - and live by it. Moreover, they think that this, in fact, is life, and they get used to it.

You can, of course, “grow up,” but on the condition that one fell in love with the other, and this love is not just sensual, “because he plays the guitar well,” but there is something in that person that is so strongly attractive that it compels him to serve him; and the other has a willingness to forgive and gradually, over the course of decades, influence the character of his life partner. Which, out of a feeling of gratitude and such a kind attitude towards oneself, begins to change very smoothly. But it is not fundamental to change, but simply his attacks of frenzied selfishness become less frequent, and so rare that they allow the one who doomed himself to such a marriage to live.

– Father, this is a situation that is not uncommon today: two people meet, they live together, they don’t think about the registry office yet, outwardly their relationship looks prosperous, and they themselves seem to be pleasant people, but as soon as they decide to legalize their relationship, suddenly everything starts abruptly change. You probably know such couples very well. How can all this be explained?

- There’s nothing simpler! Before, they lived like two friends, each with their own lives, enjoying communication. And in addition, these are creatures of different sexes, giving each other illicit marital joys that, in fact, do not belong to them. But everything is before the first test: the onset of pregnancy, or manifestations of dissatisfaction with the older generation, or - usually this is initiated by a woman - expressing a desire to move to another status: from a temporary mistress to a legal spouse - which is very difficult, because when a man loves a woman, he wants marry her, wants to serve her, and if he wants to take advantage of her... By the way, it happens that not only a man wants to “take advantage of her.” The other day a young man called me and said: “Father Dimitri, I don’t need to look for a job,” and he came so that I could help him with this, “because my wife kicked me out.” The cohabitant is called “wife” in order to camouflage the relationship as a non-existent civil marriage. Because a civil marriage is one that is concluded in government agencies, which is why it is called a civil marriage.

So, when cohabiting, the expressed desire to move to a “different status” is already a conflict. At first everything was very nice, because there were no complaints, and the desire for marriage is already a complaint. A claim to the way of life that, in fact, united them, which is accompanied by such words as “I feel good with you,” “I love you,” “you are mine like this and that” - but in fact there is no responsibility , there is no desire to serve a person, there is no desire to make him happy. This relationship is very shallow. And due to the fact that they are an imitation of a family, they ruin the ability for family life.

– Even for the future?

Premarital cohabitation kills the ability for family life, reinforcing certain behavioral stereotypes

- Yes, definitely. Because, as psychologists say, dynamic stereotypes arise, which then influence a person, and he experiences some confusion. In ancient times, in all nations, both the young maiden and the young man were always oriented only towards marriage. With the exception of creatures who were engaged in this as a craft - then they simply, like eunuchs, doomed themselves in advance to the fact that there would never be any family, but there would be a profession that would generate enough income to live without cultivating the land, without fighting, without building... - live on a salary, but you must sacrifice your family life in the future. This, of course, is grief for man, because God has a completely different purpose for man.

And such an optional attitude towards marriage and family greatly affects a person’s soul. This is all heartbreaking. Now, it happens that when a person is slightly drunk, he is very cheerful and very witty, but the price for this is small, because behind this fun there is nothing except some kind of joke. And for a half-drunk company it’s nice. He is not drunk, but half-drunk - in the Russian language there is even a special term: “drinking,” that is, he has already drunk, but not so much as to be drunk. And in every village there is a different level of drunkenness, and they are treated differently. Chasing his wife with an ax is one stage, but when he chases two neighbors at the same time, this is another stage.

Even in cohabitation, they are so drunk.

But a person, having lost the tradition of taking marriage seriously, having lost his religiosity, because marriage is a religious matter, a Divine institution... - and so, such a person to some extent becomes an animal. With all the ensuing difficulties and consequences. And animals also sometimes squabble, but a person in such cohabitation cannot achieve humanity, not to mention become a Christian - he begins to live a completely dog’s life.

– Father, what would you say to those men who tell their wives: “You are no longer the same, there are younger and more attractive ones, and I am leaving you...”

- Well, yes, there are, of course, young people who are ready to give in at the first whistle. And a man can survive another “civil marriage”, and so there are five, six, seven of them during his life. Why are men okay with all this? Yes, no responsibility, almost minimal expenses, no children. But this person loses such an important treasure as his family. Because his “family” is very superficial. It’s the same as if a person sang a song all his life: “Once upon a time there was a black cat - and now it’s the other way around... Ta-ta-taram-ta-ta-ta-ta,” although there is completely different music - Haydn, for example. But he doesn’t know this and won’t know, just like a person who has eaten only hominy all his life doesn’t know that there are also grapes and avocados. Actually, this is one of the next forms of dehumanization, turning oneself into a rather unpleasant mammal.

– Is it possible to direct the flow of the conflict in such a direction that a person who has a tendency to sort things out very violently can defuse himself with the least damage to others and himself? And how to do this?

– I sometimes advise people who find themselves in such a situation to take it to the point of absurdity. There is a mathematical rule: it is absurd, therefore it is false. If we bring such a situation to the point of absurdity, then the other side, if it has some rudimentary remnants of intelligence, can figure out what’s what and make some kind of compromise. What is compromise? You for me, I for you. You don't swear - I don't hit plates on your head. Just! “And I,” he says, “are used to swearing.” - “And I’m used to breaking plates.” Something like this, for example, can be recommended.

We need to come to an agreement. But it seems that people are no longer able to hear each other

But the best thing is when two people agree. If they are capable of it, of course. What I sometimes doubt when I see our talk shows is that, of course, such characters are specially selected there, but it seems that people are no longer able to hear each other at all. But if you talk while excited, you won’t be able to agree on anything. Then you need to try to attract a calm person who is friendly towards both conflicters, and in his presence as a kind of arbitrator... a person, not a judge... you can discuss everything. Who is ready to make concessions on what - just list everything. For example: I categorically dislike this and that about my husband/my wife. Can he/she exclude this from life? If yes, then life will immediately improve. This is very easy to achieve in 10 minutes. If there is a desire to meet halfway, then this problem can be solved. Provided that the family is dear, if there is love for the spouse, if there is care for the children. Because it happens that one spouse doesn’t care what the children eat, but the other believes that they need to eat healthy food, and for this he is ready to go shopping, and choose, and prepare specially.

– Tell me, what should spouses do in a situation where one of them cheated on the other? Is it generally possible to forgive treason and betrayal?

– What do you mean – it’s possible?! It happens when a person does not want to forgive out of principle or, for example, he has been tired of family life for a long time and is glad that finally something happened to end it all. There are dozens of options. There are not thousands of them, but dozens. And it happens that a person is so attached to what is called family, and is ready to forgive for the sake of the family, in order to continue living in the family - this is dear to him. Even if it is a new established way of life, not so traditional...

What options might there be? Let's say a woman has been married for a quarter of a century and suddenly finds out about something like this. And she weighs: what is best for her? Again, for reasons of selfishness, rarely for reasons of love... He decides: “I’ll pretend that nothing happened, but everything will remain the same.” But it happens that a woman is ready to endure beatings, and all for the sake of her husband’s salary - she is so attached to money. And sometimes she is attached to the house: she likes everything, the little flowers and gardens... She also thinks like this: “But he, with his financial capabilities, can generally arrange for me to go to jail and have to pay child support as well... “After all, courts are not a search for truth, but only an instrument in the hands of the people who are with it: lawyers, prosecutors, judges... This is such a machine. It’s not for nothing that ancient wisdom says: “Don’t sue a rich man” - this is the people’s experience.

– It often happens when one of the spouses - no matter whether a man or a woman - brings the situation to such a point that the other begins to look for the slightest reason to find some kind of outlet for himself, some kind of hobby...

– This happens, and it comes from childhood, of course. From your school life, don’t you remember this verb that children and fellow students use: “to bring”? Experienced children, starting from the age of three, perfectly drive grandmother, father, mother, and kindergarten teacher to white heat, because they are in charge, they know how to manipulate, they know perfectly well what sound they react to, what lie. He himself hit Vasya with the edge of his shoulder blade, and then roared: “Oh, Vasya beat me!..” - and watches as the adults yell at Vasya, put him in a corner, and while they drag him into the corner, they also hit him on the back of the head, - and he really likes it.

– Father, how should a woman or girl who is being manipulated in this way by a man behave correctly?

“It’s not entirely clear why she needs such a freak.” Well, yes, there is an instinct that the Bible says about: you will have a desire for your husband. But it is still assumed that the head is present in everything, in every action. For a very large number of young girls, a car decorated with flowers, balloons, rings with bells and other nonsense are important, because Masha was getting married - she had a five-meter limousine, and I had a 5.50! And she had white, and I had lilac, no one else had this! Everything has been turned into this completely artificial, unconnected ritual. It doesn’t mean anything, just like New Year doesn’t mean anything. Like May 1st. There is no solidarity among workers. Give a bonus to a tenth of the team - and you will see what kind of solidarity there will be. This is all communist nonsense. Likewise, these constructions around marriage are all unreal, have no roots, they are like artificial flowers, they are all a fake and an imitation and lead to a fake and an imitation of family life.

– What is the role of parents? Should they intervene in the conflict?

- Intervene? Parents generally must manage everything, the entire educational process of their children.

– Even in marriage?

– If the marriage has just taken place – definitely.

– You are now talking about something that is probably unusual for many to hear. Now everyone is independent...

– Yes, I’m not talking about what many are used to. We are used to abortions, divorces - I don’t talk about that. My task is different: for people to look at themselves through the prism of God’s plan. How a person should eat proteins, fats, carbohydrates, microelements and vitamins, but if he eats broken glass and drinks hydrochloric acid, then after a while he will have to have a gastric resection. So here, in such a very important spiritual sphere of human life as family, marriage, if he does everything the other way around, if everything is filled with myths, idiocy and what a divorced girlfriend will advise... well, everything will come to the same divorce as this girlfriend's. If that's what you want, then why go through all the trouble and spend money on those stupid limousines? This is, in fact, my task, as an old grandfather, to warn against this stupidity. And to say: the family and the groom are chosen very carefully.

– How long should it take, in your opinion, from the first date to the decision to get married?

– Father John (Krestyankin) said: a year or two. And from my experience I see that yes, this is a good period. But there is no need to approach this formally. And then it happens like this: “Father, my son is seven years old, I brought him to confession.” - "Fine. Have you talked to him about confession?” - "No". - “Have you ever read the Gospel to him?” - "No". - “Does he know at least one prayer for you?” - "No". - “Have you ever fasted with him?” - "No". And what good is it that he turned seven years old and was brought to confession? Well, yes, he is seven years old, and according to the age of Christian life he is four. Pure formalism.

– Often during a conflict, the spouse makes the following argument: “I am a man, I am in charge.” The woman responded: “I’m weaker, you need to listen to me.” In general, the appropriate question in a family is who is in charge - a man or a woman?

– According to God’s plan, it would be good for a man to be in charge. This is how his psyche and his mind are specially designed. Therefore, in critical moments, when superiority plays some role, a man becomes a commander, for example. A woman can be a military leader, but of some micro-aviation level; she is a senior leader, but it is already difficult for a woman to be a squadron commander. In a tank brigade it’s completely impossible. A woman commanding the front is nonsense: this has never happened, cannot happen and will never happen. That's all, actually.

But let’s say there’s a family like this: the wife is 15 years older, she has two higher educations, three raised children from her first marriage, she’s a widow; the man, seeing her beauty, intelligence, nobility, fell head over heels in love; She tested him for two years, then showed her favor and said “yes.” Well, if he is a smart person, of course she will be the head of the family. And she will transfer to him some functions from this leadership, and he will diligently fulfill them and grow. And, lo and behold, in 15–20 years he will become a real man. And when she weakens from old age, he will completely replace her and become the head, treating her with great reverence, because she raised him as a second mother. And what's wrong with that?

What is the purpose of marriage? The husband must make his wife happy, and the wife must make her husband happy.

We must do what is appropriate. What is the goal? – A husband must make his wife happy, and a wife must make her husband happy. This pleases God. And not just: “Be quiet, fool, I’m in charge.” Is this love, or what?

– You said the words: “When a young man becomes a man.” It is very important. But what if a girl thinks that her chosen one has not yet become a man? How can he acquire these qualities and become a truly real man?

- Well, how... His father should be doing this.

– And not the wife?

- Certainly. Ideally.

– How to learn to listen and hear each other in a family?

– Always remember the purpose and meaning of the family’s existence and why it was created. Not to practice vanity or lust for power, but to serve each other, thereby setting an example for our children. Teach them love, obedience, humility, hard work, faith, prayer.

– Often pastors, when two people come to them in conflict, say: both are to blame. Are both always to blame? Or was one of the two more, say, at fault?

Of the two, one is always more to blame. And more is always a man

- No, of the two, one is always more to blame. And more is always a man.

– Why a man?

- Because it is his responsibility. You are the head of the family - come on, sort it out! Imagine: a riot on a ship. What - cooks on the yard? All complaints to the ship's commander. What, you can't establish order on the ship? Well, then you are written off overboard, and that’s it! Because you are incapable of being a captain.

– Yes, it's very simple.

- Extremely simple.

– But what to do when conflicts arise on religious grounds? When is a man against his wife going to church, or when a woman interferes with her husband’s church life, does not understand him/her and expresses her misunderstanding in a form that is at least incorrect?

– It was not for nothing that I said at the beginning of the conversation that I consider marriage only as a domestic Church. According to the canons of the Church, marriage with a person belonging to another confession or another religion is not blessed - precisely because we are extremely respectful of the faith of another person. And this very often happens: “My husband—he’s a Muslim, though—forbids me to baptize my children.” Well, he’s doing the right thing! What can I say? These are his children. You are his wife, a Muslim is allowed to marry a Christian. But if for you the law of your own religion is nothing, then what are your claims? There is no way to help in this situation. Either you become a Muslim, or you destroy your family and live alone. It is not yet a fact whether they will give you your children, because the customs there are different. Before you go to another country, you need to find out what the customs are there. And if you are going to a country called Family and Marriage, excuse me, you have to learn everything by heart. And do you agree to this? What is a handsome and charming man? Yes, that's for sure. But this is not the basis of marriage.

– A very common situation, about which more than one book has probably been written: two people live together for many years, raise children, and as soon as the children grow up and move to another city, the family begins to fall apart, it feels like the house is empty, both husband and wife they no longer find anything in common. Why is this happening? And how to fix this situation?

- So, there was no love - there were all some secondary activities. Children are a secondary occupation. And he had to make his wife happy. Also V.G. Belinsky said: when you are going to get married, you must be ready to love your wife as a very old woman. And if it’s like this: first we build a house, then we build a dacha, then we build a garage with a bedroom, then we do this, then we do that, then the children go there, then they go to college... And when it all ends, what’s left? - Just bite each other. Because what we lived for is over. But husband and wife live with each other. And the second thing is children. In third place are their own parents, this is also a position. Then siblings are the next position. “Sorry, dear, I would like to go to my brother, help him - will you mind? He is very seriously ill, he has four children, and his wife cannot cope..."

– It turns out that the children came first...

The children came first: “I gave all of myself to the children.” I am writing a resolution: “And in vain”

“The children came first: “I gave all of myself to the children.” I am writing a resolution: “And in vain.” You can’t give all of yourself – to children, work, art. In marriage, the husband needs to give himself to his wife, and the wife needs to give herself to her husband. This doesn't mean you don't need to work. But there is a hierarchy of values, and it is built from the spouse. There may be no children, but there is a family. You can take children from an orphanage, you can take nephews, who have many, and raise them - and in Russia, in all Christian countries, this was a tradition. Some, for example, viscounts and marquises have children, while others - counts and dukes - do not, the count takes the child from the poor marquise, raises him as a lord, and even gives him a title, land, and a castle, and that’s all...

– It has been noticed that over the past 10–15 years the percentage of divorces initiated by women has increased significantly. What do you think is the reason for this? Are men getting smaller?

- They're getting smaller. She got married, and looks: it’s either a Rottweiler, or a Doberman, or a St. Bernard. He's such a big guy, he loves to eat, he loves to go for walks, he whines all the time, he needs something all the time, and he also barks at you. The thought comes: “Okay, I’ll remove it now, will there be less dust? - Less. - No one will shit? - Will not be. - No one will ask to go for a walk? - Will not be. Then, there is savings in food: he eats more than an ordinary person...” As one woman in the village told me, God rest with her, Ninochka: “But it’s not profitable to keep a man now. Better,” he says, “pig.” He seemed to have fulfilled his purpose: she, in my opinion, has three children. And so - what?

– How can we make sure that for people who have just gotten married and are just starting to come to God, God comes first?

- It's already late. Religion is instilled in the family. This should have been taken care of by the father and mother.

– There are examples when two people find each other, thinking that they are churchgoers, but in fact...

And having gone to church, we remain ordinary Soviet people - because we are all from one-child families

- No, churching itself is not a bad thing. But it’s not at all as important as people think it is. Churching is a subculture where people quickly recognize each other. They can joke about some words of the Psalter, they know all the priests, all the bishops, they know all the monasteries, they can read the Hours in the temple. But they don't know how to love, they don't know how to pray. They don’t know how to expose their chest to bullets so that these bullets don’t hit the chest of another person whose name you don’t know. They don’t know what it’s like to visit the sick. Christianity is still very shallow. Maybe the time will come and it will sprout. But with this church-going, they remain ordinary Soviet people and think that everything will come on its own. Because they are all from one-child families and are used to it: if you open your mouth, mommy will put everything in there. I want to go there - my mother has already hired teachers, and now they are studying the Unified State Examination. I want to get married - and here is a very good guy, we love each other, we have known each other for a long time, it’s already the second month... And then a young man comes. Mom bought him a shirt, mom ironed his jacket, mom cleaned his shoes... although mom can’t force him to go to the hairdresser, but at least mom washed his hair with Horsepower shampoo. And he looks like he’s okay, and he smells good, and he’s so shy – he’s not a groom. And then it begins! Here he is sitting on the sofa, but not to earn money, buy sausages, bring them into the house, cut them, put the rest in the refrigerator, and also make sure that they don’t go stale... And it turns out that there are seven more people in the house... But he doesn’t mind- he doesn’t even know. He only knows how to open his mouth and when the Trisagion and “Our Father” need to be said - he knows that, but there’s no point in it. You can’t build a family on this, no.

– But at the same time, you said that mom can and dad can - and even should, if they themselves are believers - influence this small Church...

And I don’t even know where dad is: I don’t know, I can’t see him

- Well, of course: this is the main thing. After all, a deep Christian, let’s call it that, must answer the call of God and create a home Church - here, Lord! This is the main thing in general on earth. Give birth, raise and teach your children Christianity. One guy came up to me: “Father Dimitri, can I not go to church?” So, he sets me a task: what should I do as a person replacing his father, grandfather, mother, so that he wants to go to church and understands what is happening there?! And why do I go, I shouldn’t be forced, even when I don’t feel very well, but he feels good, he’s young, he’s seven years old, but he doesn’t want to, because he doesn’t understand anything there! And the majority of so-called churchgoers do not understand anything. They know that they need to give communion to children. Well, what - a child: they brought him to receive communion, and he yells at the whole church. And if you put him on the floor, he will run somewhere: boom-boom-boom-boom - he flaps his legs, he likes: eh! He does what he wants, but he is completely confused. And I don’t even know where dad is: I don’t know, he’s not visible. And raising a child is, after making his wife happy, the main task of the father. He must think about it, not only think - he must come up with it, he must read about it, he must find a way for it.

– What to do when a woman is dissatisfied with her chosen one and how he provides for his family? Very often conflicts arise on this basis...

Raising a child begins with... choosing a future spouse

– If she is dissatisfied... Well, it happens: she bought a fur coat, brought it home, put it on and is dissatisfied - for this there are some days when what you bought can be exchanged. This doesn't happen in marriage. Therefore, you have to humble yourself, you have to somehow influence it, you have to develop a whole life strategy, and this is very hard work. Therefore, to prevent this from happening, you need to discuss everything in advance. This is how to raise a child, you need to start when he is just conceived, and even earlier. From whom was he conceived? - From a man. But a man should not only be, as they say now, a “biological father” - wonderful! This is not enough. This person must be a Christian, he must be smart, noble, strong, courageous, moderately rich (who will buy fur coats - is the wife working two jobs?) - this is when this process of raising children must begin: by choice spouse.

– This is a mutual process - after all, both the spouse chooses and the husband chooses.

- Certainly. No one will force anyone into marriage. Here you can consult with your parents and grandparents.

– What advice would you give to those families who cannot yet resolve any conflict situations for one reason or another?

- Talk. We need to discuss everything. Be patient so that there is a glass of water to cool. The only way. And treating each other with respect is the default.

What is a family: interpretations of different sciences

Nowadays, there are several scientific movements that interpret differently what a family is. I would like to highlight three main interpretations that can more accurately convey the meaning of the term family:

All sociologists are inclined to believe that by the concept of “family” they mean the union of two (marriage) or more people who are related by ordinary blood or they have legalized the relationship. Based on this, we can say that the spouses are already a family. If the newlyweds and their children live with mom and dad, then this is also a family.
Psychologists have a slightly different concept of “family” from sociologists, because they argue that the term means a group of people who are connected not only by personal relationships, but also by common traditions (read about family traditions in the article), as well as interests. This view of what a family is is closer to most people, because in our time, legalized relationships in the registry office can be fictitious.
For lawyers, everything is banal and simple, because people who live together and are connected by legal relations are a family, but on the condition that their marriage is formalized. In subsequent articles we will talk about the marriage contract, which is so important in elite social circles or simply the rich. If we take into account all the interpretations together, then we will get the most accurate answer to the question of what a family is. So it turns out that the term “family” means separate, but at the same time confirmed by the state. level of a cell of a civilized society, where partners are connected by similar interests (but not always), worldview (in some important points), some common goals, as well as a common way of life.

There are certain signs of a family:

there are legal relations between the spouses, because the marriage must be registered in the registry office;
cohabitation and common life;
the presence in the family of common material assets that were acquired during their life together;
there must be healthy relationships, as well as intimate relationships;
the presence of children, but this sign does not apply to all families, because there are couples who fundamentally do not want to have offspring.

Sharing of values

This, of course, is not about the division of property. Sooner or later, every person wants to have a loved one nearby who will share his view of the world, his values and attitudes.

Ideally, people should only marry if they already have the same values in life. That is why an initially competent choice is so important. It allows you to cover in one fell swoop many potential contradictions between spouses that could arise in the future.

As a simple example: for him the most important value is independence and freedom, for her - children and home communication. What outcome will these people come to if they unite their destinies? Unknown. However, we can say for sure that this will either be a break (they just want to live life differently), or an adjustment of values (for one or both spouses), which will allow them not only to save the marriage, but also to remain happy in it.

Therefore, the presence and formation of common values in a family is one of its most important functions, which unites all its members.

Photo: Depositphotos

What is family in simple words?

In everyday terms, a family represents people who live in the same territory. And in pre-revolutionary Russia, the number of family members was determined by the number of “eaters” dining at the same table.

The institution of family in our country has almost always been under close scrutiny. Marriage has historically been determined by secular and ecclesiastical law. In the modern system of family law, the definition of the word “family” looks like this - it is a circle of persons who are bound by rights and responsibilities on the basis of kinship, marriage and adoption.

How is a family formed? Or what is life made of?

Now you are more than a couple if you began to trust each other and stopped making all quarrels something important and focusing too much attention on them. It's time to create a social unit, and in the second stage do this:

One of the conditions for creating a family is the distribution of responsibilities. While you are still a couple, this may not be so important, but when you start your life together, all the changes will be obvious. That is why plan all your actions in advance, try to distribute responsibilities. The creation of an Orthodox family is also based on this.
One of the important conditions for creating a prosperous family is a common child. Therefore, if you want to have a baby, be sure to think about this important life step and calculate the approximate costs. The sooner you have a child, the sooner you can have a good family. There is no need to delay it, but the birth should also take place in appropriate conditions.

When you take these 2 points into account, it will become much easier to start a kind and loving family.

What types of families are there?

There are a great many types of families, so scientists have combined them into a classification:

By the number of partners - polygamous and monogamous.

The first assume an unlimited number of partners, for example, Swedish families, where there are several women and men, or Eastern harems - there is one husband, but there can be many wives.
In the second option there are always two people - a man and a woman. This type is considered traditional in our society; polygamy causes wild feelings and rejection in a Russian person, although the West is full of such happy families;

Simple and nuclear:

A simple family consists of a mother, father and children.
Nuclear are those where several generations live, leading a common life. For example, mom, dad, their parents, grandparents and children. These are large clans that prefer to be together;

The number of children divides families into childless, small (two children) and large (three or more children);
By type of cohabitation: if a husband and wife live with the wife’s parents, then this is a matrilocal family. With the husband's parents - a patrilocal family. The neolocal type is a family living separately;
Depending on the form of internal governance, families are divided into three types: matriarchy (the woman is in charge), patriarchy (the man runs everything) and democracy, where partners have equal freedom and responsibility;
Social status of the family: young, established, adopted;
According to the psychological climate in the family - prosperous and dysfunctional;
In terms of financial wealth – wealthy and poor (needy).

Modern attitude towards family

Meditation. how to create meditations for yourself and for others?

The hard times are over. And in our 21st century, the economic component of the family has faded into the background. Today it is much easier for a person to live alone and raise a child. On the one hand, this is good. But this state of affairs reduces people's motivation to start families. As a result, new “non-traditional” forms of cohabitation are emerging.

I don’t want to affect anyone’s interests right now. Of course, such “families” have a right to exist. But how “real” are they?

To raise a child properly, you need a traditional family. And people should be together, despite all life's difficulties. Loneliness for a person is not right.

Of course, marriage is not that simple. We must constantly work on ourselves and be responsible not only for ourselves, but also for our family members, to help them overcome difficulties. But, as they say: “a trouble divided in half becomes half as big.” And joy multiplied by two increases twice.”

In addition, when you do something together and achieve some success, your joint development occurs and the spiritual connection between family members is strengthened.

Main functions of the family

1. Reproductive. An important function of the family is procreation - procreation and raising children.

2. Educational. The family educates new members of society, contributes to the transfer of experience, norms and knowledge to them. The elders in the family pass on their life philosophy and wisdom to new generations. From an early age, in his family, a person assimilates real life values and learns moral standards. A long family life contributes to the development of the personality of each of its members throughout time.

3. Emotional. A person at any age finds peace and relaxation in his home, where loved ones can understand, help and support. Experts place the emotional and psychological importance of the family in first place.

4. Economic. From an economic point of view, a family is a “piggy bank” where material values are jointly accumulated and a person’s personal well-being is improved and his financial needs are met. For disabled and minor members, family is the main material support.

5. Developmental (leisure). A harmonious healthy family develops a person. Parents and children spend time together, travel, study and become familiar with aesthetic values.

6. Sexy. The significance of this function is to satisfy sexual needs between husband and wife.

The above functions can be satisfied without being in a family relationship. But only a family can unite all functions.

Convenience

One obvious and very utilitarian feature is convenience. It is more convenient for a person to live in a well-functioning family mechanism than outside it.

When people connect their lives, then not all responsibilities fall on the shoulders of one person. He ceases to be a loner, and the main value lies in mutual assistance, as well as in the division of affairs between spouses (and subsequently between children).

In contrast to “emotional refuge,” comfort, as a function of the family, can be conditionally classified as “old.” After all, if previously people had few opportunities to make their life and housekeeping easier, over the past decades a huge technological leap has been made, allowing even avid singles to live comfortably.

Of course, it would be unreasonable to talk about the complete disappearance of this function, but its influence has become less than before.

Photo: Depositphotos

What does family mean for children?

For the baby, this place occupies a significant position, it is there that he pronounces his word “mom”, makes his achievements - the first steps, the fully learned alphabet. Parents try with all their might to give him everything he needs - care, love, support, understanding, affection. They instill in him moral principles, tell him about traditions, and promote knowledge of the world around him.

Children cannot appreciate the full value of having a full-fledged family until they grow up. Adults should describe to him the importance of family relationships so that the child understands where he can turn for support in difficult times.

Let's talk about family values

A strong and friendly family is a small brick of a reliable foundation of a large healthy society, therefore the role of the modern family in the life of each person individually and society as a whole is very great. Values are the walls of a small cell of society, these are the rules and moral principles, foundations, traditions by which it lives, which it tries not to violate. Judging by them, one can determine what importance family has in a person’s life. Let's consider the main ones:

Truthfulness. Honesty in relationships is the basis of everything. Without it, it will not be possible to create a strong and reliable rear. It is necessary to honor any manifestation of it, to take criticism sensibly, because next time you will not hear the truth addressed to you. Flexibility

It is very important to show loyalty to avoid unnecessary quarrels and infighting. Cohesion. Family members need to have personal space and freedom for various activities

But everyone should clearly know that they have a strong family to which they can always return. To be one, you need to spend leisure time together and meet with relatives. Forgiveness. You need to be able to forgive and not be offended over trifles. Life is too short to waste it on unnecessary quarrels that waste energy, time and effort. Generosity. From childhood we need to teach children to give without demanding anything in return. This is the foundation of such valuable qualities as empathy, sensitivity, tact, compassion, humanity, and so on. After all, if this is not given to the baby at the beginning of his life’s journey, he will not fill the emptiness of his soul later. Traditions. Let's talk about what family traditions are. Each one is different. Some visit the graves of their grandfathers every year, gathering with relatives from all over the world. Others traditionally celebrate their son’s birthday outdoors with tents. Still others organize a home theater with popcorn every Friday. It is important to instill an interest in ancestors from childhood, teach them to honor and remember them. You can create a tree of life together - you need to know your ancestors, your roots. Curiosity. It is necessary to notice and satisfy the baby’s curiosity in time, to help him explore the world. Communication. A very important value in every family. You should always talk about everything. Communication builds trust on which everything rests. Responsibility. It appears with age, but it is necessary to instill it in a child from childhood. Starting from cleaning up toys, keeping the room tidy, caring for a pet and so on. It will be easy for a child to go through life, possessing this invaluable quality.

Depending on existing family values, a favorable climate, established moral principles and foundations, an image of a family is formed that will become the face of a cohesive social group. A strong rear will ensure the healthy emotional and physical development of each family member: wife, child, spouse.

Why start a family and who better not to do it?

The question “How to start a family?” Usually asked by people who do not have a life partner, are looking for new acquaintances and dream of finding love. In some cases, one of the partners (usually a man) may not be ready for a serious family relationship

The most common reasons why people start families:

they do “like everyone else,” even if in fact they didn’t really strive for it
get married or marry for love, plan to continue the family line in the near future
form a union due to pregnancy
agree to a loveless marriage, afraid of missing the “last chance” and not meeting anyone else
out of convenience or because it is more profitable to live together

Since times, life, society and norms have changed a lot and continue to transform, a modern person in a secular state is free to choose with whom to live and whether this relationship should be formalized in the registry office.

An adult who knows his desires and needs and understands himself as an individual will not succumb to the influence of others, but will listen only to his inner voice.

Is a family obligatory for an adult?

Why start a family? There are several common reasons why living with a partner and children seems more profitable and safer to many:

people are simply afraid and cannot remain alone for long
they want to have support in life, they make the family their “fortress”, fencing themselves off from the rest of the world
see the goal in raising children and procreation in order to leave something behind
they want to have some kind of safety net, to create a family similar to their parents’, where you will always be accepted, forgiven and understood no matter what (most often men do this, while they continue to have their own separate personal life, and perceive the family as a given, a necessity and in in some cases status).

Who better not to start a family?

Typically, psychologists advise not to rush into starting a family for people who:

too young, recently graduated from school
do not have their own income, continue to receive education, are unable to support themselves and their family, are financially dependent on their parents or partner
not sure of their own feelings for the chosen one
too busy with work or constantly traveling, and the partner is dissatisfied with this lifestyle
are not yet ready to start a family and are under pressure from relatives who are rushing to get married and have children.

Many women and men, having created a family under the pressure of circumstances or other people, soon begin to regret, get tired and disappointed, but are forced to continue living in unlove because of children, housing, fear, etc.

Only by truly meeting your person, close in spirit, thinking and goals, can you create a truly strong union. In this case, questions like “Is it worth starting a family and children, at what age should I do this?” don't even arise.

“It’s good for me and alone”

Sometimes even adults, accomplished and intelligent people who seem to be happy with their lonely bachelor life, under the influence of their environment, begin to doubt their own normality. Parents are perplexed why their daughter or son does not want to start a family, not realizing that with such questions and persistence they are making their child’s life worse. Family friends, friends and colleagues are gradually moving away, there are fewer common interests, and a person begins to doubt: maybe by a certain age it is really necessary to have a family and children?..

A single adult in our society is still looked at with distrust: they begin to suspect him of being gay, having some kind of illness, mental disorder, or having a disgusting, quarrelsome character. Such people are attributed to a riotous lifestyle or reclusiveness, accused of selfishness, furtively laugh at them and feel sorry for them.

A person who is truly happy, who has found his purpose, knows how to enjoy life, cannot be inferior just because of the absence of a family. It is important to always listen to your inner voice. If a man or woman is really uncomfortable with loneliness and wants to find his soulmate, this is a reason to think. But if a person lives a full life without having a family, and this does not bring him problems or worries, he should not look at the opinions of other (even close) people and change to please their views and desires.

Women's need

Family happiness is important for a woman.
Let's look at why a woman needs a family.

Social status. Understanding that she fulfilled her destiny, became a wife.
Communication with friends is easier. A married woman is not seen as a rival.
Now I have someone to go visit with and celebrate all the holidays.
Having an assistant. A woman does not need to cope with hard work herself, carry bags, do repairs, and fix breakdowns. Now for this there is a man who can cope with these tasks.
A person has appeared for whom you need to strive to be beautiful and use your culinary skills. A woman is pleased when someone appreciates her merits.
The opportunity not to work if the husband agrees to support her.
The end of the man's search. You no longer need to waste time searching for a suitable gentleman, getting to know him, meeting and parting. Now your loved one is always nearby, with whom you can wake up every morning and spend all your free time.
Birth of children. Undoubtedly, you can become a mother without having a husband. But the child will fully grow up if both parents are present. In addition, lifting a baby together is much easier than raising a baby alone.
A person appears nearby to whom you can direct all your tenderness and love.
There is an opportunity for joint growth and common development. To achieve this, it is necessary that the couple be of approximately the same intellectual level, have common views on life, and aspirations for self-development.
Household amenities. Now you don’t need to rent a house yourself; all household expenses can be divided in half with your husband. And if a man earns well, he is able to shift all financial issues onto his shoulders.
When you are married, you can notice your shortcomings. A man will literally reflect in himself, at first glance, his vices, when, in fact, this is a mirror image of his wife. Thus, the woman sees her mistakes and has the opportunity to improve.
There is always support, support, a faithful defender nearby.

As a child, I dreamed of getting married for the sake of a wedding dress. Having grown up, I realized that the main purpose of a woman is to create a family and give birth to a child, to take care of her closest ones. I am very happy that my husband is next to me, a person who always supports me, shares victories and failures with me, and helps raise my child. Every day I feel his love, care, and repay him in the same coin. Next to him, I always strive for self-development in order to correspond to the status of my man.

The purpose of a man is to create

For any man, the answer to the question of why people start a family is similarly associated with providing and receiving comfort. But the fundamental difference from the female understanding of this aspect is the development of relationships in breadth, that is, the man always acts as the creator. It is impossible to imagine his life without having a favorite activity that benefits not only him and his family, but also those around him. A representative of the stronger sex is not able to fully work on a relationship with a woman until he has the opportunity to do what he loves. And vice versa, professional activity will progress many times more successfully if a man can receive additional energy from the woman he loves.

Thus, a man is not able to be a creator without love (at an early age this love comes from the mother, and later from the wife), and a woman cannot give her energy without a man. This means that love must have a direction, you can give yourself to someone or something, therefore, directly through a man, a woman learns to love the whole world. This is where the expression comes from: “Behind every successful man there is always a great woman.”

Reasons for creating a family: why people create it

I suggest you consider the basic premises for forming ideal family relationships:

The ability of a full-fledged family to give birth and raise healthy offspring.
Divide all household responsibilities in half.
Getting support from a loved one.
Ensuring safety and security.
Disinterested pointing out shortcomings for re-education.

The main components for a woman are love, happiness, children, for a man – a career, providing for the family, heirs. For a male representative to feel like a full-fledged person, capable of achieving goals and success, he needs the love of a companion and her presence nearby.

In childhood, this role was intended for the mother, but in adulthood it is performed by a loving wife.

Female needs

A woman strives to build normal family relationships for:

Social status. Awareness of fulfilling your destiny - to become a wife.
A casual conversation with friends. They don't see you as a rival because you're already busy.
Availability of company for visiting and other holidays.
The presence of a permanent assistant. The wife can get rid of the need to carry heavy bags, deal with difficult situations alone, and carry out repairs; these concerns are now placed on the shoulders of a strong husband.
Desire to take care of your appearance and figure, develop culinary skills. Every representative of the fair sex appreciates compliments.
Completion of the active search for a partner. You no longer have to waste valuable time finding the perfect companion - you already have one.
Prolongation of the family. For the good and full development of a child, two parents are needed - mom and dad.
Shows of tenderness, care and love. After all, these are the only feelings we experience for our soulmate.
Joint development and implementation. A common intellectual level, the same views on the world, and the desire for self-realization are ideal components of family happiness.
Household comfort. All expenses are divided in half.
Availability of support, protection and support.

Male needs

Now I will try to explain, does a man need a family? Of course, this is a circle that includes your closest and dearest people, an area where you can relax and replenish lost energy.

What does a married man get from this:

He receives a devoted adviser who organizes his vacation, takes care of him, and gives advice.
The ability to create a large family and raise children with good upbringing and character.
A man becomes a leader, takes responsibility for all concerns about his family, and protects his interests.
Creating a family budget.

Signs

A close circle has many properties:

The decision to marry and have children is made on a voluntary, relaxed basis.
The common things between spouses are: finances, housing, household, cars, valuables.
Joint offspring.
Following the law and properly observing all rights.
The presence of general morality, psychological component and morality.
What does family mean and what role does it play in the life of the whole society and one person?

A close circle of close people performs a lot of functions that help support his life.

I will give the following:

Primary or reproductive. Performs social or personal tasks. The first implies an increase in the number of people, the second – the fulfillment of the need for procreation.
Instructive. This includes educational skills and the introduction of children to society before they reach adulthood. Parents pass on to their child all the traditions, attitudes, and values.
Financial. Adults provide for their child by providing food, shelter, and personal belongings. Representatives of a small community accumulate financial resources over the years and subsequently pass them on to their heirs.
Restorative. Everyone needs a feeling of security, love and care. If these initial needs are not met, health problems may arise on a physical and psychological level.

As a consequence, depression, aggressiveness, and breakdowns appear. All these illnesses lead to divorce and poor parenting.

The key to a good relationship is caring, love, respect, and unity. All members of the family community should appreciate each other, make compromises easily, plan leisure time together, and never despair of life’s dark spots and difficulties.

If you try and don’t lose your desire for happiness, everything will return to normal faster.

"Emotional Refuge"

It so happened that this function of the family turned out to be the first point. Perhaps it is no coincidence, because it belongs to the category of “new”. In the sense that in recent decades people have been placing increasingly high demands on family relationships in terms of satisfying their emotional needs.

If you take the generation of your grandparents (and even more so, great-grandparents) for analysis, you can discover an interesting trend. In those days, the “emotional refuge” function of marriage was not as important to people as it is now. Nowadays, no matter who you ask, everyone in a marital union wants to feel needed, valuable, and irreplaceable. They crave recognition, respect, sympathy and emotional support from their spouse and other family members.

And if now, without this “set”, most people are simply not ready to start a family, then earlier other values often played a leading role:

“He is a reliable, respected person.”
"You can rely on him."
"A good family man."
“An excellent housewife and mother.”
"A wise, modest woman."
And so on…

Some of you may say that these values are still in use today. And indeed it is. The percentage of those who now attach as much importance to them as people who lived 2-3 generations ago has simply changed.

And, it must be said, the growth of precisely this tendency (the passionate desire to obtain “emotional refuge” in marriage) often leads to the rapid collapse of marital unions. But this is a separate topic that requires detailed consideration.

Photo: Depositphotos