Adultery is a topic that is relevant at all times. Betrayal cannot leave anyone indifferent, but betrayal is different. Today we will discuss a sensitive “type” of marital infidelity, about which it is customary to bashfully remain silent - infidelity between a man and a man.
How to understand that your husband or boyfriend may have... a lover? Women lacked competition with other women, but the prospect of competition with men loomed on the horizon. What happens now - he needs to be on guard, even when he is going “to the bathhouse with the men”? If earlier we were jealous of our gentleman for the predatory glances thrown at a stranger passing by, now more and more often female jealousy is caused by the “friendly” relations of this same gentleman with men.
Oddly enough, in recent years there has been a noticeable increase in frank stories about a husband’s adultery with another man; or rather, people have begun to talk about it more willingly than, for example, 10 or 20 years ago. Same-sex relationships are a taboo topic in our country and such flair around it is encouraged by law. But this does not stop married men from experimenting and adds variety to their sex life without the participation of their spouse or another woman. Most married ladies do not even think about the fact that their beloved could be involved in a relationship with a man.
“He sleeps with me, I excite him, and we have children. How can he be gay? - this is how wives reason. But, as it turned out, all this will not stop the man.
Many gay dating apps help these married people find a mate. It is through correspondence, text messages received late at night, and strange calls that men come across. On the one hand, the scheme is the same as with mistresses, but when your husband tells you that he is going to a pub or a bathhouse with the men, you don’t think that they can have an orgy there. That is, it is easier for men to cheat on their wives unnoticed with men. How do we know all this? It's simple! From a guy who got caught by his wife.
Husband's story
“I want to emphasize that I have traditional views on sex. I just wanted some variety, but I still love women and would never have left my wife if she herself had not raised the issue head-on. It’s difficult to talk about this topic and, of course, no one cares to advertise the reason for our separation. We have a daughter, to whom it is still difficult to explain that her mother caught her father with another uncle. In addition, everyone around us will definitely be shocked. I soberly assess the situation and understand that it is better to remain silent. The ex also thinks that this would be more correct. We have been married for four years, we have a daughter whom we adore. But we were unable to maintain the relationship after my “betrayal”.
One day, the boys and I decided to go to a new bar on neutral territory - this is when everyone gets to this place the same way. The evening was a success - my single friends picked up girls and left with them, and I stayed. I didn’t want to return home before the time agreed upon with my wife and decided to continue drinking. That’s when I had a drunken heart-to-heart conversation with the bartender, a young dude with tattoos. Afterwards, I began to go to this place more often and met him there every time. We exchanged phone numbers in a purely friendly manner. He wrote to me, I answered him, and so we began to communicate almost constantly.
One day, a bartender invited me to some tattoo festival - after all, I told him that I would like to get something on myself. I agreed. That evening we both drank and went to see his friends. There was no one in the apartment, but he had the keys. That's where it all happened. I was in a sober mind and did it consciously, I wanted and liked it. Besides, for me this is not cheating - I didn’t have another woman on the side! Such meetings with him occurred periodically; everything was fine with my wife, and I had no intention of changing anything.
During that period, I found out how, it turns out, many families have fun like this. I made new friends like this, and the first advice they gave me was to have a secret phone. I did so and kept it in the car on silent mode at all times. That's where I got burned. We had one car in the family, and my wife, or rather her brother, needed it - he had just sold his... Early on Saturday morning, he and his sister, that is, my wife, went out of town - he was looking at a plot for a dacha there. And I forgot to pick up my secret phone - my wife found it and looked at everything. I didn't set a password.
She returned in the evening and everything was as usual. I checked my phone but found no new notifications. This surprised me, but I didn’t attach any importance. Almost a month passed like this - I lived as usual, and my wife began to pull away a little, but I decided that she was just tired from work. On another day off, the two of us went shopping at the mall, and left our daughter with her grandparents. I met my bartender friend in the store. We greeted him, and my wife suspiciously asked who it was. I replied that I was just an acquaintance. When we got into the car with her, she said that she couldn't pretend anymore.
“I saw your phone when my brother and I went to the station. I read everything and saw the photographs. Can you actually explain how this could happen? How long have you been like this? Why did you need me then?!” - she blurted out sobbing.
I was just speechless. Like a bolt from the blue! I tried to explain that this was just fun, not a change of orientation, that I didn’t have a permanent lover and all that stuff. I promised I would end this. I was terribly ashamed and was talking complete nonsense. For some reason, he insisted that this was better than having a mistress who always wants to take a man away from the family, and guys need an official relationship and marriage.
But all my arguments were nothing to her. She coldly replied that she was filing for divorce and was not going to discuss it anymore. I was very afraid that my wife would tell someone about my secret, but she admitted: “I didn’t tell anyone anything. I was stopped by our daughter and shame for you in front of her.”
We divorced. The official reason for the separation: different people are interesting, fell out of love with each other and other standard nonsense. Now there are both women and men in my life, but I’m not gay!”
How to recognize a cheating spouse
No one is immune from betrayal: neither charming beauties, nor ideal housewives, nor skilled mistresses. Women feel very subtly changes in the behavior and attitude of the man they love. But changes in character do not always indicate the appearance of a mistress. If you notice the following signs, then you can really assume that your husband is cheating:
- avoids intimacy without explaining the reasons for his behavior;
- withdraws into himself, does not talk about his affairs and impressions;
- withdraws into himself, does not talk about his affairs and impressions;
- pays a lot of attention to his appearance;
- stays late at work and returns not hungry.
These are universal signs. But every woman who has encountered her husband’s betrayal can certainly add her own personal observation here. It is impossible to be indifferent to your partner’s strange behavior. Therefore, some women become aggressive, angry and unbalanced. Others, on the contrary, try to behave decently and not show their emotions, that is, to keep everything to themselves. Both the first and second options cause enormous harm to mental health and destroy personality.
The Harm of Guessing
Constant guesswork and lack of certainty can become obsessive, which can lead to the development of delusions of jealousy. First of all, this manifests itself in strong aggression. Then doubts and suspicions turn into confidence. It is no longer possible to convince a woman even with objective arguments. The situation is getting worse every day.
Groundless suspicions of a spouse can provoke so-called betrayal in revenge. When a husband, driven to extremes, really begins to cheat. Although I didn’t even think about it at first.
Wife's story
The story of our hero, who for obvious reasons decided to remain completely anonymous, contradicts the belief about the ingenuous nature of men. It is believed that women are more complex and multifaceted, and such sophisticated schemes are brewing in their heads that men have never dreamed of. However, real life shows that there is not only black and white, but also a lot of shades of gray. What does a wife feel when she finds out about her husband’s adultery with another man? Is this considered treason in the classical sense? And what is better: having a lover or a mistress? Each person answers these questions in her own way, and we learned from her what the wife of our anonymous hero chose for herself.
“This is the first time I’m discussing this not with my psychologist. It's hard for me to talk about what happened, especially when I know that thousands of people will read my story. But my therapist recommended that I agree to this as an experiment. Besides, anonymity matters a lot.
When I found out that my husband was sleeping with other men, I was completely lost in this life. At that moment I was not alone, but with a person very close to me (brother - approx. Woman.ru), and hiding from him what was happening inside me became the main task. Here you live your life, work, take care of your husband and child, make plans for the future, but you can never admit that your husband will cheat on you with a man. From time to time, a woman may have thoughts that her husband likes another girl, and sometimes she may even wonder if he has taken a mistress. But never a lover! It’s just like in some TV series, but it doesn’t happen in real life! This is how everything works in our heads.
The first thing you think about after this is: “I’m so bad in bed that my husband went to sleep with a man.” Then you remember that everything is more than passionate and good for you, and you dismiss this thought. And then terrible scenes and pictures flash in my head - after all, nature has awarded women with a good imagination. You feel so disgusted that you want to marinate in bleach. I would have gone crazy if I hadn’t gone to a psychologist - because I couldn’t tell anyone. I was terribly ashamed, and I am still ashamed. I was wondering whether it was worth continuing to live in such a marriage.
In the first month that I reflected on our relationship, I read a million forums and discussions where women talk about their husbands’ same-sex infidelity.
Oddly enough, many say that they tolerate such behavior from men and are ready to put up with it, but if a mistress appears, they will immediately file for divorce. Such girls are confident that their lover will never destroy the family or take the man away, which is what mistresses only dream about.
I made a different choice and left on my own. I realized for myself that I couldn’t live like that - it was too disgusting for me to be in this hellish swamp of deception and depravity. If you want such an open relationship, then why do you need a wife and child. Live alone and do what you want. It is very difficult to embrace what happened, realize it and begin to live with faith in a future relationship with a man. After all, no matter how you look at it, the thought from time to time begins to pulsate in your head that now all guys are like this. My ex-husband never gave any reason to think he was gay or bisexual, yet he sleeps with guys.”
Should I tell my kids that dad is gay?
The decision about whether to introduce children into their father's personal life must be made jointly. No matter how offensive it may be for betrayal, the kids have nothing to do with it. It will be difficult for them to understand what homosexuality is. For older children, this information can cause serious psychological trauma. Being “different from everyone else” at a certain age is very scary. Teenagers develop complexes; they may begin to hate their parents, distance themselves from them, and withdraw into their own little world. Therefore, if you do not want to destroy the subtle harmony of a child’s soul, do not rush to tell them the whole truth. Wait until they reach a conscious age and are able to perceive information calmly and adequately.
Statistics
According to Rosstat, the number of divorces has been steadily growing over the past 80 years in the country. This is the only indicator that demonstrates unshakable stability towards an increase. Recent studies indicate that in Russia the number of divorces exceeds the number of registered marriages and amounts to 51%.
One of the leading reasons for divorce is adultery. At the same time, women do not always file for divorce because of their husband’s infidelity and are ready to forgive, while men, on the contrary, almost never can come to terms with their wife’s adultery. According to the results of a recent VTsIOM study, to the question “who is to blame for the divorce,” both men and women answered in approximately equal proportions, 60% to 65%, that both spouses.
Into the pool with your head or how not to be deceived again
The fear of encountering her husband’s betrayal again persists for quite a long time. It is necessary to work with it in the same way as with resentment. There are two proven methods:
- Undergo psychological rehabilitation that will teach you to live without fear, increase self-esteem and restore self-confidence.
- Lead an active lifestyle - you should always be busy doing things that give you pleasure (except work): hiking, hobby groups, training courses, sports clubs.
And also take precautions that will protect you from possible cheating on your husband:
- carefully control the situation in the family;
- find common hobbies for your couple;
- set boundaries for personal space;
- arrange relaxation evenings outside the home;
- realize each other's erotic fantasies;
- support the man, don't criticize him.
Men can't control their desires3
Some representatives of a strong part of the world's population are not able to resist their natural polygamous inclinations. This is the most common reason for male infidelity, according to the public. Moreover, men themselves are confident that nature itself tells them to change partners for sex as often as they want.
Because of this, infidelity can occur even with the participation of those men who were not predisposed to it before they accepted this stereotype. In addition, for many men it is a way of self-affirmation and increased self-confidence. A large number of partners is an indicator that a guy can interest almost any girl.
Even the presence of a permanent relationship cannot prevent such people from showing their natural inclinations for long. Some people think that this is normal, others that it is unacceptable. But the fact is a fact, men often cheat precisely because one partner is not enough for them.
One of the respondents, Alexander, told how this happened to him:
“I’ve been cheating on my girlfriends my whole life. Apparently, that's the kind of person I am. I've always been told that I give in to my emotions too much, and that's actually true. But everything changed for a while when I got married. I decided for myself that I love my wife very much and would never cheat on her, no matter how much I wanted to. I lasted in this mode for almost four years. After that he broke down. Being only with her was morally difficult for me.
I wasn't particularly interested in having sex with her; she suffered from it. But as soon as I slept with someone else, I immediately returned my passion for my wife. I would like to be in a relationship where I could sleep with any woman. I don't see cheating just for sex as something bad. Thanks to sleeping with several girls, my sex life with my wife has returned to normal.”
conclusions
No explanation for her husband’s infidelity will be perceived as exhaustive. Such a cruel act cannot be justified by anything. The pain will seem unbearable, and it will not always be possible to come to an agreement with yourself. Thoughts will rush from one extreme to another. That’s why professional help from a specialist is so important.
You cannot push yourself to the extreme, when prolonged and severe stress transforms into a psychological illness. Several consultations with our psychologists will help you cope with pain using constructive methods and fully heal. Understand your mistakes and don’t repeat them again. Rewrite your future by starting a new happy life.
Women need to remember
They say a man is the head, and a woman is the neck, but you have to move your neck skillfully. When getting married, women need to remember that ringing the man you love does not mean that you can turn into a whore. Try to be different, surprise him and let him be afraid of losing you. Look after yourself, develop, be self-sufficient. Interesting, well-groomed, smart, thrifty, sexy, a wonderful wife and an excellent mother - these titles should be combined in you. Difficult? But for a happy family life, you need to learn this. A man who is happy in marriage will rarely commit adultery, much less divorce. Passing hobbies don't count. Nobody forbids you to have small affairs either, but nothing more. Just keep your man in good shape - let him remember that there are more than enough people who want to get you, but you love only him and are faithful to him. Love, compliments, affection - men need this no less than women. Let him feel and realize that only you can love and care like that. Help him be a real man next to you, praise him and admire him. Be passionate, constant, but unpredictable. Men love it.
Polygamy of men - fiction or reality?
You can agree or refute the statement that man descended from a monkey and all his actions are dictated by unconscious and basic natural instincts. However, the statistics of adultery are shocking: every second man who is legally married has cheated on his wife with another woman at least once. Some hide this fact, others get a taste for it, and the secret becomes clear.
Of course, many men are naturally very polygamous and hypersexual. They love to boast about their amorous exploits and conquered fortresses. However, you should not judge all men by their behavior; among them there are those who prefer one and only one to many different women.
“Why do men cheat?” — women ask this question regularly. Sometimes you look: the wife is young, slender, beautiful and well-groomed, but the husband still openly and sometimes right before her eyes flirts with another woman. Why does a man cheat on his beloved wife, ask her for forgiveness for his behavior and not leave her for his mistresses? From an ethological point of view, the reason for this behavior is a natural tendency towards polygamy. As a rule, this trait softens with age. Such marriages, if a woman agrees to put up with her husband’s behavior, can exist for decades. In addition, the legal factor plays an important role: if valuable property was acquired during the marriage, then it is not profitable for a man to get a divorce, and he may even be afraid of an application for divorce from his wife. Such husbands (who do not want and are afraid of the division of property), as a rule, try to hide the fact of their infidelity as much as possible.
