Dependence on a man or emotional slavery

More and more often in our rehabilitation Requests for help in getting rid of emotional dependence began to arrive, and the vast majority of those applying were women who realized that they were in emotional slavery from their men. They are all concerned that every day emotional dependence binds, devastates and destroys them from within more and more, and they do not know what to do about it. Let's understand the mechanisms of occurrence and ways to overcome emotional dependence.

It all starts very romantic: flirting, courtship, the desire to do something for him. Further, the woman becomes more and more interested in where the object of her passion is, the desire to call becomes more and more intrusive. A need arises for his constant presence, and the need to surprise him with your appearance, abilities, and your whole self becomes more and more insistent. This is how the idea of a joint future, family, and children is formed.

The primary feelings of falling in love - they are, as a rule, very hot and exciting, but at the same time, they are capable of driving a woman into a corner: loss of desire to do something in his absence, or if done, then purely for him, evaluate all actions performed with his positions, renunciation of personal interests and complete passion for his interests (even if there is not the slightest attraction to them) and much more. And as a result, the woman expects praise, support and approval from him, and if suddenly this does not follow, disappointment and despondency eats her up, but does not stop her, and she continues in the same spirit until, as it seems to her, will attract his attention. It is in moments like these that feelings of doubt and jealousy appear: “what if he doesn’t love me, what if he has someone else, what if I’m doing something wrong...”.

What follows is the formation of self-doubt in one’s strengths and beauty, self-pity, interest only in him, imposing one’s desires and arguments on him, apathy, neuroses, depression, pain…. And behind all this are somatic illnesses and the inability to leave, to refuse, even from painful relationships. emotional dependence arises .

Women tend to fall into emotional dependence more often than men for reasons related to the psychophysiological characteristics of the female body. By nature, a woman is a mother, and she tends to give up her life in favor of her child. Therefore, when a man appears in a woman’s life, she is also capable of giving up herself for him. And this process is very difficult to control, since it is rooted in the biology of a woman’s origin. But learning to manage your emotions and feelings, if desired, is possible and even necessary, since this is the only way to prevent or overcome emotional dependence . To this end, our rehabilitation center provides therapeutic sessions for women who help them understand the causes of their addiction and get rid of it. In other words, treatment of emotional addiction, like any other chemical addiction, is only possible if a person consciously decides to change his life and his place in it.

There is one undoubtedly simple feature of recognizing addictive behavior - fear. Fear forces you to be in constant tension. It’s like codependent wives of alcoholics or drug addicts are systematically in fear because of the unknown state in which their husband will return from work, for example. It’s the same here, any action directed towards him makes you doubt and fear: “what if he doesn’t like it, what if he leaves me...”. And strange as it may seem, it is fear that does not allow a woman to look at things soberly. Just as her instincts work in relation to her child - she is afraid of losing him, offending him, disappointing him, the same way female instincts very often work in relation to a man. And, as you know, instincts are stronger than reason, and this is the trap, from which you can only get out when, having turned off your emotions and feelings, a person begins to realize the realities of what is happening. After all, in fact, if you look at it: what will happen if the man suddenly leaves? Will the woman die, cease to be a woman, or will something else happen? No! Everything will remain with her and with her! The truth lies in the fact that somewhere on a subconscious level, a person is afraid of remaining unnecessary, and, as a rule, associates this feeling with a break in relationships and loneliness. Although, in fact, a breakup or loneliness does not mean at all that the woman is no longer needed by anyone, especially not by herself.

Emotional dependence is:

When life, as they say, is “automatic” without your own goals, desires and aspirations.
When you are no longer able to imagine your life separately from a man.
When there is no more joy in a relationship, only disappointments remain, but there is no strength to quit or leave either.
When you don’t have your own personal hobbies that you can freely devote time to, without thinking about him and what he will say to it.
When all thoughts are only about him.
When you feel guilty for his problems, etc.

Signs of dependence on men

Panic attacks - how to deal with it yourself, is it possible to get rid of it forever?

Relationships in which there is dependence cannot be called adequate and healthy. What are the signs of dependence on a man? What you should pay attention to first of all:

Groundless jealousy on the part of a woman. Stayed late at work, met with friends - everything arouses suspicion in her;
Married man. The girl tries to take him away from the family;
The girl tries to protect her chosen one from the outside world, including from relatives;
Breakup causes depression in the addict;
A woman does not have her own interests and hobbies;
The girl believes that a conspiracy can be used to attract a chosen one;
The girl broke off relations with her friends and almost does not communicate with relatives;
There is an obsession that the partner can leave at any moment. Therefore, the girl tries to control his every step;
A woman gets offended when a man wants to mind his own business or doesn’t pay attention to her;
A partner has no flaws, he is ideal - this thought is present in every dependent lady;
In company, the girl does not leave her chosen one a single step, constantly tries to stay close to him and does not allow him to communicate with other people;
The girl is able to completely change her plans if her husband so desires;
The partner’s opinion and position are paramount;
The feeling of happiness comes only when the chosen one is nearby;
The obsessive thought that a man can be remade and a fairy-tale prince can be created from him;
Self-esteem depends entirely on the partner; if he rejects something, the woman does the same without even thinking.

Important! If most of what is described is present in a girl’s life, such passion must be gotten rid of immediately.

The desire to control every step

Getting rid of emotional slavery

We wrote about the difference between love and emotional dependence, as well as how to get rid of the latter, in earlier articles, which you can find in a similar section in the “all about addictions” menu. But, as always, we say that a person can get out of any type of addiction! The only condition is his desire! Therefore, if you understand that dependent relationships are taking place in your life, or suspect that you are at risk because you have lived in dependent relationships before, we recommend that you contact our international charitable organization - rehabilitation for a full course of classes on preventing and overcoming emotional dependence. We will help you learn to recognize your emotions, feelings and desires, determine their causes and analyze why you need them, which will allow you to get rid of your fears and see the real you!

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Love addiction: 15 tools for getting rid of painful cravings

Illustrative photo: pexels.com What is the difference between true love and love addiction? The difference lies in the very nature of these feelings. We tell you how to recognize love addiction and get rid of it.

How to identify a painful craving for another in yourself, and why it is important to get rid of addiction, says psychologist Olga Pavlenko on her Instagram blog.

“When a woman suffering from love addiction wants to pick up the phone and write to a man with whom she has an unhealthy relationship, an emotional process unfolds inside her, similar to how an alcoholic reaches for a drink.

Among addicted people this process is called “craving”. It is based on obsessive-compulsive symptoms, that is, obsessive thoughts and actions, which are extremely difficult to get rid of by force of will,” shares the specialist (hereinafter, the author’s spelling and punctuation are preserved - editor’s note)

Traction can take different forms:

Straight.

Direct compulsive attraction: “I want to call him and tell him everything!”

Associative.

Indirect attraction, as if leading us to think about the object of dependence and direct attraction (memories, associations, places, combinations of colors or shapes, and so on).

For example: “It’s mid-October, it’s getting colder. Last October it was also cool, and he gave me that scarf. I want to call him and tell him everything!”

Hidden.

It is expressed in conditions that at first glance are not related to the object of addiction: headache, weakness, depression, insomnia, drowsiness, irritability, loss of appetite, impaired concentration, short-term memory impairment.

Example: “I’m tired, everything is bad, I can’t do this anymore, I need to do something about it. I want to call him and tell him everything, or just hear him, because I feel bad.”

“Think: in the situation of a breakup, a codependent or emotionally dependent person can experience all the symptoms of post-withdrawal syndrome that an alcoholic experiences when he is pulled away from drinking.

If we decide to take the path of recovery, then just one decision will not make the craving go away, but, on the contrary, it may intensify, since love suffering for a codependent person is a way to escape from oneself, one’s feelings, fears and awareness of a life crisis.

That is, painful love for a partner can be a great way not to notice problems in your relationship with yourself,” explains the psychologist.

What should you do if you develop a painful craving inside?

According to the expert, it is necessary to develop tools for yourself that will help you overcome love addiction.

What might the tools be?

We need all the tools to “not break down” and maintain our emotional sobriety. Over time and with work, the strength of this obsessive attraction will weaken.

What is important here is training and the intention to get rid of emotional dependence. To get started you need:

Write down your feelings and experiences in a diary.
Express feelings to another person.
Prayer.
When you notice a craving, switch to another activity.
Take a contrast shower or wash with cool water.
Do physical exercise.
Remember the “bottom”, that is, how bad it was for you in this relationship.
Remember and talk about your goals and plans.
Determine the type of traction: direct, associative or hidden.
Take 10 deep breaths.
Mentally return to the moment “here and now.”
Tell yourself, “I love myself enough to stop the pain.”
Imagine the life you would like to live - in joy and harmony.
Remember those people who have always supported you (both living and deceased), imagine that they are supporting you right now.
Practice meditation and relaxation.
Get creative.

“Experiment! If you decide to end a painful relationship, you will likely feel the urge to take it all back.

Try to stick to the intended path. In cases of extremely strong attachment, it is recommended to seek help from a specialist,” the psychologist concluded.

Original article: https://www.nur.kz/family/relationship/1936061-15-tehnik-kotorye-pomogut-izbavitsya-ot-lyubovnoy-zavisimosti/

Sexual addiction

A special case of emotional addiction is sexual addiction. She is characterized by an obsessive desire for sexual intercourse. If love addiction is characterized by a painful connection with one partner, then for sexual addiction it is not the object that comes first, but the action itself. Sexual addiction is more common in men. As in the cases of other addictions, for a sexaholic the object of his sexual addiction is a way to escape from reality, from himself and his own feelings. People with this type of addiction are characterized by numerous emotional difficulties: a tendency to low mood, impulsiveness, low self-esteem, feelings of guilt and shame, inner emptiness, the habit of hiding their problems from loved ones, inability to get pleasure from other sources, combination with other addictions, problems with health.

How to find time for yourself?

This is not about visiting a cosmetologist or going to the gym. Time for yourself – a few tens of minutes a day, spent completely alone.

At these moments, you can try to meditate, do breathing exercises, paint a watercolor landscape, think about the book you read. In other words, this time should be devoted to self-development and peace and harmony.

It's important to find a gap in your daily routine that you can stick to consistently.

How to get rid of love addiction to a married man. Take a break

Take a break and add something new to your life. The best option is a long trip (a month or two), preferably to unexplored countries, where there is something to see and try. New sensations will not let you get bored and will fill the emptiness in your soul. Engage in extreme sports: adrenaline resembles the euphoria of love, but does not ruin your fate. Consider a new hobby. Think about long-standing desires that are still not fulfilled: flying on an airplane, skydiving, safari. Maybe you love creating new outfits or designing interiors. Any hobby is guaranteed to distract you from a grief-stricken relationship.

Sexual addiction

Sexual dependence of a man on a woman is much more common. Guys tend to consider such affection as true love. They go to great lengths to show the girl their feelings. A woman becomes sexually attached to a man much less often. The chosen one is usually the married one.

In search of “diversity,” a man finds himself a permanent mistress with whom he spends his free time. He does not intend to part with his legal wife. You can maintain contact with your mistress by promising to marry her. As a result, a woman who dreams of starting a family with her loved one is simply wasting her time. After a few years of such communication, a replacement will be found for her.

Subconsciously, the mistress understands that the chosen one will not marry her. But strong attachment prevents her from leaving and starting to build more productive relationships. The mistress is driven not by the desire for a full-fledged relationship, but by low self-esteem. A relationship with a married man becomes a way to assert oneself. A woman is flattered by the fact that a legal wife is not able to satisfy all the needs of her husband. However, the cause of infidelity is not always sexual or any other dissatisfaction. Sometimes an illicit relationship for a man is also self-affirmation: several women need him at the same time.

How to get rid of love addiction to a married man. Find new meaning

Dependence narrows the circle of life to a single object - a lover. Expand your horizons and find new meaning in life. It will be useful to volunteer (help the poor, orphans, the disabled, animals, go to cleanup days, plant trees with activists). Find something where you can be useful and enjoy it. In the most difficult cases, it is important that your loved ones support you. Better, of course, is a mother or sister - women who will always understand, hug and say that everything will be fine.

How does pathology occur?

Many psychological problems appear in the first years of life. From a lack of emotional contact with her parents, a girl can grow up to be a dependent person. Subconsciously, the child is sure that dad and mom don’t love him. In most cases this is not the case. Parents are simply forced to devote part of their time to work and household chores. But children, due to their age, cannot understand the importance of adult activities. Growing up, the girl begins to seek psychological support from her peers, and then from people of the opposite sex.

A dependent woman often grows up in a single-parent family. If only the father is involved in upbringing, the girl does not receive the necessary emotional contact. Not knowing how to properly communicate with his female child, a man prefers to avoid communication, entrusting his daughter to the care of his grandmother. If there is no father in the family, the girl may also not receive the necessary amount of attention. A single woman is trying to improve her personal life and meets men. The child becomes an obstacle to creating happiness. Another option is also possible: the mother devotes herself entirely to caring for her daughter, giving up her personal life. However, this is not enough for the psychological stability of children. They need both mom and dad equally.

There are also esoteric versions of the origin of addiction. A woman prone to energy vampirism is capable of becoming attached to a man. Guys become an opportunity to replenish vitality. An energy vampire does not seek love in relationships with the opposite sex.

How to understand that a woman is dependent on her partner and needs help?

The psychology of relationships between a man and a woman is full of ambiguities, the absence of common patterns and unified approaches to emerging problems. For example, how to distinguish a woman in love, who is at the very beginning of a relationship, from an addict? How do you understand where the line ends between the desire to get to know your partner and the loss of your own self?

Of course, women themselves almost never notice how their feelings for a man develop into dependence on him. However, the people around her, friends, and relatives may well see an emerging problem and help the woman understand and overcome it at the earliest stages.

Although each situation is unique, all women prone to addiction show a number of the same signs at the beginning of its formation. Psychologists list the following among them:

inadequate reaction to criticism of a man, no matter what it concerns;
quick and absolute falling in love, after a couple of weeks of dating the woman is ready to run down the aisle;
the predominance in conversations of stories about how perfect and ideal a man is, delight in his every action or word;
complete loss of objectivity, the girl seems to be “under the first impression”;
increased attention to a man’s appearance, to his neatness - blowing off specks of dust, adjusting his collar, tie, cuffs, hair;
the manner of staying slightly behind a partner, even if people are holding hands.

In other words, although the motives for typical manifestations of addiction are different, all women demonstrate these signs. Therefore, looking from the outside, it is not so difficult to understand that a lady is prone to pathology.

What can cause addiction to form?

Advice from psychologists on how to free yourself from love addiction to a man, as a rule, begins with an explanation of the need to identify the causes of the pathology that has arisen. It can, of course, only be determined individually.

The most common, main reasons for the tendency to depend on a partner, psychologists include the following:

difficult childhood - difficulties in the family, authoritarian mother, father's alcoholism or something similar;
parental divorce;
inability to define the boundaries of personal space - this is caused by growing up in cramped conditions, in a common room;
categoricalness and severity, a penchant for patterns - this is the legacy of a specific upbringing;
presence of psychological trauma.

Mental trauma can occur in childhood, adolescence or adulthood. As a rule, it is associated with severe disappointment, betrayal or death.

What will happen to the relationship?

It is important to understand that if you are emotionally dependent on a man, this does not mean that there is no love in this relationship. And this does not mean that, having gotten rid of addiction, you will necessarily separate. Getting rid of your emotional dependence means shedding the husk behind which true feelings are hidden.

By giving up your addiction, you will understand whether you really love this man, or whether your attachment to him was just an escape from loneliness. If there is a place of love there, then your relationship will move to a new qualitative level - where there is partnership, trust, freedom, personal growth and emotional support.

The mechanism of development of love addiction

The mechanism of development of love addiction is very similar in its stages to the mechanism of development of chemical dependence in alcoholics and drug addicts. First, the stage of intoxication occurs - a person falls in love, experiences attraction, euphoria, delight that he is loved. Then comes the hangover stage and the desire to increase the dose - since some addiction has already occurred and an increase in the dose of love is required in order to get hooked, as in the first stage. Then comes the third stage, which is similar to withdrawal syndrome. This is the fear of losing a partner, and this is where the following phrases come from: “I can’t live without him” or “If he leaves, I will die.” The addict clings to the “beloved” like a drowning man clings to a straw. This is like the last chance in his life. And he does this because the need for care and love in an addicted person is greatly exaggerated, but at the same time cannot be satisfied. This state can be compared to a leaky barrel that you constantly fill, but it is simply impossible to fill it to the top. Also, the addict’s need for love and happiness cannot be satisfied with the help of someone or something.