Every mentally healthy person is able to maintain eye contact with the interlocutor. In addition, this skill is one of the foundations of effective communication.
Look at the children. It is natural for them to look into the eyes of any person around them. A child may come up without smiling, without returning your smile, and just look into your eyes. Then he calmly turns around and leaves. He came up, looked, and ran about his business. Easy and relaxed.
Some parents unknowingly discourage their children from making eye contact. For example, by their behavior when they interrupt visual communication during communication. Or they directly say that “it is indecent to look so closely into the eyes.” And sometimes they even get angry if the child does not look away. As a result of such moments of upbringing, the child is deprived of an important ability. Over time, he loses the habit of maintaining visual contact and is deprived of a source of valuable information. After all, everything most intimate that happens to a person, in the depths of his soul, is reflected on his face and in his eyes.
What happens to those children who are not under pressure from adults? Who continue to peer into faces? Basically they become leaders. According to research, eye contact during everyday conversation is maintained for 20-50% of the total communication time. Lovers keep the bar at 60-80%. For managers and professionals, it is nothing to overcome 80 and reach 100%.
It is absolutely natural when a self-confident, mentally healthy person looks at his interlocutor without hiding his gaze.
Rules for making eye contact without embarrassment
There is an opinion that the norm is 70% maintaining eye-to-eye contact. It is not without meaning. Many of us need to acquire the skill of looking our interlocutor in the face. At the same time, compliance with the measure is required here in the same way as in everything else. If you see that a person does not feel very comfortable under your gaze, do not put pressure on him. Redirect your attention to the other side, think at the same time.
And one more detail that characterizes a good interlocutor, which is even more important than time - the way you look. Calm or anxious? Is your gaze supportive or oppressive? If you have decided to learn to look at your interlocutor without taking your eyes away, avoid this mistake: do not try to look closely at the area of the so-called “third eye” or at the bridge of the nose. This technique puts pressure, and the opportunity to observe the face and facial expressions of the interlocutor is lost. And the very habit of staring with your eyes, unceremoniously staring at the faces of others is not the ability to maintain visual contact, but a manifestation of elementary bad manners.
Where should you look in this case? Unexpectedly, but exactly where a driver with experience behind the wheel of a car usually looks. He does not look at one point: nowhere and everywhere at the same time, that is, at the situation on the road as a whole. It is necessary to develop the habit of looking with an unfocused, wide gaze.
If your goal is not to put pressure on the interlocutor, you should not look at him closely. Unfocus your gaze, look not into the person’s eyes, but only in the direction of his face. Thus, there is a transition to peripheral perception, in which you are not distracted and can catch any unconscious micromovements of a person and his face. If the interlocutor is pleasant to you, your gaze will also radiate warmth.
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What is the normal amount of eye contact?
So, according to the latest research, avoiding the direct gaze of your interlocutor in certain situations is an absolutely normal reaction. After all, too much visual contact often makes you feel uncomfortable. Statistically, the acceptable duration of eye contact is about 3 seconds. If eye to eye gaze lasts for more than 9 seconds, our psychological mechanisms begin to perceive this as a threat or aggression in the case of a stranger, and as involvement in the case of a loved one. The perception of direct gaze as a sign of aggression is explained by our biological basis of perception. After all, initially prolonged eye contact in the animal world indicates a challenge - among two males measuring their gaze, the one who first looks away loses.
This is confirmed by the latest research. It is believed that maintaining direct eye contact is normal if it takes up to 70% of the communication time. According to statistics, during communication, people look into each other's eyes almost 50% of the time, lovers - from 60% to 80%. It’s interesting that managers look directly at their subordinates from 80 to 100% of the time.
Causes of fear
Being afraid to look people in the eyes – this problem has a name. Ommatophobia is the fear of looking into the eyes. A fairly rare mental disorder in which an ommatophobe is not just afraid to look into the eyes, he even experiences horror. But more often the cause of fear is not a phobia, but simpler reasons. Let's look at several reasons why a person avoids eye contact.
Lie. One of the assumptions why a person avoids direct gaze is an attempt to hide some information.
Perhaps he does not want the other person to understand his true emotions or intentions. If a person tries to lie, in addition to avoiding eye contact, they may exhibit the following signs:
- avoiding the topic of conversation, being distracted by unnecessary details;
- change in skin tone: pallor or redness;
- touching the nose or lips;
- body tension - posture, face;
- high speed or slurred, unclear speech.
But it is worth noting that the probability of lying with such behavior cannot be 100%. A person may simply not want to go into any details. For example, he wants to hide his negative attitude - disapproval, envy, indifference.
Low self-esteem . A shy, insecure person may also look away in dialogue. When communicating, such people tend to be afraid to say or do something wrong. Perhaps he has some feelings for his interlocutor. This can cause severe embarrassment, especially if your cheeks turn red. Or a person has experienced some kind of psychological trauma, as a result of which, when getting close to people, he begins to hide his experiences.
Lack of mood. Also, a participant in a dialogue may have some personal reasons for a bad mood that do not depend on the topic of the conversation or the current situation. One can also assume an attempt to hide the attitude towards the interlocutor - for example, irritation. Anger can be identified by constricted pupils.
Uninteresting topic. Avoidance of direct gaze may be due to conversation fatigue. Perhaps the topic of conversation is uninteresting or unpleasant. In this case, the flow of unnecessary information becomes too large, the person gets tired of it and switches attention to his thoughts. Therefore, he will not look at his interlocutor.
How to learn to look people in the eyes?
For a confident and mentally healthy person, looking other people in the eyes is a natural skill. Its total absence in psychology is often explained by the presence of certain complexes or traumatic situations that need to be worked through. Maintaining eye contact with your interlocutor is not that difficult, so experts give some tips for developing this skill:
- Maintain focus on the interlocutor.
- Consciously holding your gaze is a skill you can constantly practice during conversations.
- Imagine yourself in the auditorium. People often get embarrassed looks as they imagine themselves on stage. You need to change your position and imagine that you are sitting in the auditorium and calmly watching the artist. This way you will immediately feel more comfortable.
- Remember the resource state. Before meeting someone's gaze, you need to remember your self-confident and energetic state.
So, eye contact is a very important element of nonverbal communication. Its complexity is explained by several factors - self-doubt or low self-esteem, fear of being caught intrusiveness, as well as an attempt to avoid cognitive overload.
Eye contact without embarrassment and confidence between a guy and a girl
Mastering the skill of maintaining eye contact is an important part of pickup.
If a girl, when meeting a guy, sees his gaze downcast or darting around, she will immediately feel his insecurity. Moreover, this can give rise to thoughts about unclean intentions. It’s better for the woman to look away first.
Why is it so important to maintain eye contact when meeting people? Why do pickup artists from all countries use this technique? The thing is that a confident male gaze can evoke strong emotions in a woman, often reminiscent of falling in love. This is explained quite simply: if a man looks straight and openly, then he belongs to the category of courageous, strong “males”. And the girl’s subconscious quickly reads this. If suddenly a young man begins to look away while talking to a girl, this raises doubts and does not characterize him from the best side. Confidence shines through in the behavior and look of a real male; he does as he wants, without fear of anything. Especially if it’s the look of a stranger you like.
Maintaining a confident gaze is difficult, but you can learn it
Behind the insecure glances of those who avoid eye contact, complexes are hidden. There may be a lot of them. For example, psychological problems, parenting, something that affected self-confidence.
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The power of your gaze: how to manage people and get your way
Each of us has had such a situation when you look into a person’s eyes and you feel bad because of the hypnotic gaze, full of emotions, feelings and information. You can learn to “speak” with your eyes.
In general, eyes are not only a mirror of the soul, but also an excellent way to understand a person’s character. This can be done by assessing the shape of the eyes. Take the eye shape test to get to know yourself better and learn to analyze other people. Such skills are very useful when meeting new people or in work and any interaction with people. You will be able to see a person without communication, predicting his actions. Our body can tell others a lot about us, so there are a huge number of methods for analyzing character and emotions through the eyes.
The power of a glance
Everything that we think about at any given moment is reflected by our gaze, as well as by facial expressions. This is pure psychology, known to people for about a century. Our emotions betray us: anger, hatred, embarrassment, shame, fear, love. All this can be read in the eyes and facial expressions, so you can show your feelings with your gaze. Unconsciously, we form one or another type of face, characteristic of each emotion, but you can try to emulate emotions, using the power of your gaze to awaken sympathy, fear, hatred.
The power of your gaze can be brought to such an extent that people will obey you without words. This is used in such a well-known psychological practice as hypnosis, when the doctor inspires you that there is no need to be afraid of spiders or heights, that you are happy, that you have something to live for and enjoy every day.
The power of a gaze can have not only a psychological, but also an energetic component. Human energy is an invisible aura that surrounds the body. WE feel the fear of other people or their love, but the eyes perfectly convey energy flows - almost the same way as the touch of hands. There are people who with their eyes can infect us with joy, fun, or, conversely, give us despondency. Under the gaze of some people you feel creepy, uneasy and simply awkward. Energy flows carrying information and emotions are perfectly transmitted through the eyes. Each of us has encountered a situation when you look at a person and he looks back at you, as if he knew that you were looking at him. This is direct proof that there is an energetic connection between us all, the conductor of which is the eyes.
How to control people with your eyes
The power of the mind and subconscious helps control destiny, so always control your thoughts. It is worth noting that not only people, but also animals can be controlled by their eyes alone, without words. They are even more susceptible to this, so you can practice on them.
So, there are two versions of how you need to look at a person in order to inspire him with something or influence some feelings. Some people think that you need to look into one eye, while others say that you need to concentrate your gaze on the bridge of your nose.
What’s most interesting is that both people are right. Masters of psychology say that the right hemisphere of the brain, which is connected to the human left eye, is responsible for conscious emotions and logic. The left hemisphere and, accordingly, the right eye are responsible for feelings and unconscious emotions.
Looking at the bridge of your nose or eyebrows, you seem to be putting pressure on a person. This may not work well with loved ones, but with colleagues or strangers it works perfectly. It feels like you are looking straight into the soul. It’s difficult to go through this calmly, which is why most people look away when they do.
So, if you want to awaken logic in a person, then you need to look into your right eye. This is the best way of business communication when everything suits you. If you want to know something, then you need to look into your left eye, since it is connected to the part of the brain responsible for feelings. When you are in love with a girl, then look into her left eye to awaken love and show your feelings, your emotions. This way you will make her feel them. If you are scared, then the other person's left eye will tell him this. If you hate a person, then he can feel it too. If you want to make a person fear you or obey you, then look at the bridge of the nose. This is a powerful tool for law enforcement officers. They are trained to do this.
That's not all. Remember about energy? Remember to think about what you want to send to the person. Your aura will do its job, don’t even doubt it. The difficulty is that you need to learn to control your thoughts. When thinking about what you want to send to a person to manage them and their emotions, you need to do it at ease. Looking too closely will make a person wary. It looks very strange when they look at you non-stop. Avert your eyes periodically and look at the person about 80% of the time you communicate. Don't forget about etiquette, as it is important. Moreover, a man looking too closely at another man is automatically perceived as a threat. For women, everything is much simpler. For them it is always love. Don't forget this.
Practice more and think less about negativity when you want to make a positive impression on someone. Energy flows will convey to him what you want, and over time your skills will become better. One of the laws of the Universe is at work here: the images in your head create reality, not only for you, but also for other people.
Decide on your look type
Did you know that a person's view can be different? There are these types of gaze: pressing, nervous, supportive, calm... Could you determine what type of gaze you have? When you try to look a person in the eyes, persistently look at the bridge of his nose, then your gaze becomes oppressive and unpleasant, the interlocutor will try to avoid eye contact with you, and besides this, you also lose sight of the interlocutor’s face.
To make your gaze supportive and warm, you need to engage your peripheral vision and unfocus your gaze. This will ensure that the interlocutor will not avoid your gaze, and in addition, at the subconscious level you will be able to capture all the smallest movements of his facial muscles.
Research by scientists
Scientists from Japan, from the University of Kyoto, have found that many people do not make eye contact when talking, so as not to unnecessarily overload their brain. After all, eye contact is distracting, and the person may want to think about something else besides the topic of conversation.
Italian researchers have found that some people who look straight into the eyes of their interlocutor for 10 minutes experience hallucinations after some time.
According to neurolinguists, human behavior depends on the type of thinking. As for visual learners, they tend to use visual imagery and focus on the eyes to “read” missing information.
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At the same time, auditory learners rely more on sounds; it is more important for them to hear the timbre of the voice, intonation, turning to the side. And kinesthetics, who prefer to rely on intuition and tactile sensations when communicating, try to touch a person, shake his hand, hug him and look down at the same time.
