Plan: - How to survive difficulties in life: 5 stages. — How to learn to take difficulties lightly. — 5 tips on how to cope with life’s difficulties and pain. - Video.
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1) Denial. This is the very moment when we do not want to live with our misfortune, we are afraid of tomorrow and accepting the obvious. Usually at this moment we have to enter into a completely different reality, not similar to the one that existed before. We do not recognize the existence of an insoluble (or very difficult to resolve) contradiction. This period lasts from a couple of minutes to several years. Realizing that trouble has happened and will one day make itself felt (or has already made itself felt), we live oppressed by constant fear and depression. What's important here? First of all, don’t bury your head in the sand. In addition, we should not confuse real trouble with a bunch of troubles or fears that our rich imagination throws at us. If trouble happens, it is not minor and sits in our soul as a huge thorn. If the trouble happened suddenly, but it is fixable, it is important to start solving the problem not immediately, when you are still in a state of shock, but at least a day later, when you spent the night with trouble.
2) Compensation and recognition of what happened. During this period, we ask for help and don’t understand how to continue living, we don’t want to think about the future and try to somehow distract ourselves. Having admitted grief, we experience very strong stress. At this time, everything is seething in us, but we are not capable of any action, since both the processes of excitation and inhibition are working in the body at the same time. Not every organism can withstand this, and the subconscious gets to work, looking for a way out, for example, drawing our attention to another area where there are no difficulties. The way out for negativity is in some conversations, chores, or just a walk. The subconscious thus displaces all the thoughts and questions that torment us. Here it is important to allow the subconscious to work, that is, to distract from the past: know that neurosis does not arise because of a difficult period in life, but because we overwhelm ourselves. But do not be distracted by artificial and strong irritants, that is, alcohol or drugs. In this case you will again get a vicious circle
3) Aggression. What happens during this period? Trouble still sits like a thorn in our souls and controls us. And then we notice that everything is bad with us, but everyone around us is as before. This is where aggression is born. A person can direct it at himself, perceiving trouble as his own fault and becoming convinced of his own inferiority. This is how self-confidence is undermined. If self-esteem is high, a person lashes out at those around him, trying to lower their level of existence and make it worse for those who are doing well. The main thing is not to get stuck here. Analyze what happened, change yourself, whatever, just don’t get stuck in your aggression.
4) Reliving. We begin to relive our misfortune, talk about it and share it with loved ones (or not so much. This is already recovery, and by reliving and telling, we make the grief less significant. If we talk about our misfortune several times, it no longer seems terrible. We also These moments we relieve ourselves of imaginary (or real) guilt for what happened.But you shouldn’t get stuck and put pressure on pity, otherwise you will turn into an energy vampire.
5) New birth. We learn to live with our misfortune on our own. Our task is to turn our thorn into a new part of ourselves. Here you can say a lot of cliches about the fact that what does not kill us, and about the fact that we have become stronger after a difficult period. No, this is now for life and you build it without trouble. It’s just that the entire difficult period in life can be perceived as rebirth.
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Every second person lives better after stress
70% of people who experience a traumatic event will not have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This suggests that our psyche has incredible reserve capabilities.
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According to scientific research, 52% of people who have experienced serious traumatic events have post-traumatic growth, that is, their quality of life improves.
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When a major shock occurs, a person becomes more aware of his true resources. This leads to people starting to develop at a much faster rate. A difficult situation makes it possible to realize basic values, to be grateful for what is, makes a person more open to new things, and gives a feeling of inner strength.
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Loved ones who have gone through difficult times have stronger bonds.
Psychologists about life's difficulties
Many classics of psychology wrote about how to cope with problems and get through a life crisis. But the most famous work belongs to Viktor Frankl, it is called “Psychologist in a Concentration Camp.” His life itself is an overcoming; he survived in inhuman conditions. People died before his eyes, they were insulted and humiliated.
What helped Frankl survive? He followed his concept, the psychologist assures that in difficult conditions it is not those who have a healthy body who survive, but only those who have a strong spirit. His books and concept of perseverance have helped millions of people around the world find meaning in life.
How to deal with failures? Grow spiritually, don’t give up, look for the meaning of life and believe in the best.
Having meaning helps you survive suffering
Stress resistance (or resilience) is not a given, but a quality that is trained through experience. Therefore, difficult situations are a simulator for developing stress resistance.
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Cognitive flexibility—the ability to look at a situation wisely—is very important for proper adaptation to change. For example, the COVID-19 pandemic and the restrictions it caused can be perceived as follows: “We are in a cage! Everyone will get sick! There will never be stability again!” Or you can put it another way: “By limiting ourselves, we protect the more vulnerable,” “Quarantine time can be spent usefully,” “If you are open to this experience, you can find new opportunities,” “This experience will help find a new antiviral treatment,” etc. The first method is maladaptive, the second is adaptive.
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Imagine an egg and a tennis ball. The shock causes the egg to fall and break. And the tennis ball falls, hits, gains momentum and flies further with even greater force. The peculiarity of our psyche is that it can react to a traumatic event, like this ball.
Good adaptation is also facilitated by effective behavioral strategies, for example, active actions instead of passive observation, step-by-step task planning, problem solving instead of avoidance and procrastination. If you are not in the mood, it is important to start doing something important without waiting for the mood to appear. When you start doing something, the mood gradually comes. That is, it works exactly in this sequence, and not vice versa.
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It is important to learn to generate resourceful emotional states: joy, laughter, gratitude, inspiration, pride, intimacy, hope... Activities such as: time with loved ones, shared memories, meditation, creativity, humor, music, sports, retelling human stories to each other help with this. stories that inspire.
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A great exercise is to create an alphabet of mental resources that will help you return to emotional balance: select one resource for each letter. And use at least 5 of these resource activities during the day.
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You need to develop a happy inner child - the ability to celebrate life. Research on happiness has shown that during difficult times in life, a person can feel happy. Happiness and difficulties can coexist together.
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A person is not allowed to be broken by his values, understanding of what we live for and are now going through a difficult stage. Historical changes, for example, are easier to survive if there is an understanding that this is for the sake of the future of children, for the sake of building a new country where every life and freedom will be valuable.
Two quotes from famous people on this matter:
Viktor Frankl , psychiatrist who went through a concentration camp:
“Having meaning helps you survive suffering.”
Carl Jung, psychiatrist:
“A person can survive any suffering provided he can give it meaning.”
Values are not what I want to have, but what I want to be. There are things inside a person that will always remain with him no matter what.
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A person’s close environment is of great importance for good adaptation to difficulties. Support from family and friends is one of the most powerful protective factors. Therefore, you need to take care of close relationships and invest resources in them in good times.
How to deal with problems
Problems do not allow you to live in peace, there is no strength left, the difficult period has dragged on. How to survive problems? Recommendations:
- We make lists. We describe all the difficulties point by point. When information is transferred to paper, the head is freed. We arrange them in order of importance. What needs a quick solution? What can be left to chance? What situations can we let go of? As a result, there won't be many problems left. We pay attention to the most important ones and develop a solution plan.
- Let's leave the worry. How to cope with problems without anxiety? Let us spend 30 minutes a day worrying, during which time we list all the horrors of what could happen. We spend the rest of our time searching for a solution.
- There is no need to blame anyone for your troubles. Only we ourselves are responsible for our lives. Negativity, anger and envy towards other people will only slow down the way out of a difficult situation.
- Letting go of the past. We try to live here and now. No need to hold grudges. Look for patterns of events in the past. The situation has already happened, no one knows how life would have turned out, whether it would have become more difficult or easier for you.
Video: speech by Viktor Frankl, a psychologist and concentration camp survivor. He managed to take this terrible experience as the basis for his scientific research.
Don't blame yourself
Let us repeat once again: everyone has hard times. It's not that you are bad or improvident, it's just a black streak that is an integral part of life. Every life. Of course, difficulties occur differently for different people. This is the option you got. Take it as a test that is important to pass with flying colors, not as proof of how bad you are.
Even your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own uncontrolled thoughts.
Buddha
Learn to forgive and let go
It happens that difficult times have a specific culprit. “If it weren’t for him, everything would have gone according to plan!” - you think and exhaust yourself with hatred for this person. This reaction is natural, but destructive: you focus on negative experiences instead of looking for ways out.
Yes, let the person really be to blame, but... You won’t be angry at the rain because of which you got wet to the skin? Or seek revenge on the gust of wind that broke your umbrella? No, you will do your best to get home as quickly as possible and make yourself some hot tea, and then repair your umbrella or buy a new one. So it is here. The culprit is an “element,” which is important to leave behind as quickly as possible, focusing on more significant things.
Keep calm
A light perception of life and optimism help not only to “relax and not worry,” but also to quickly cope with troubles. The advice is simple - you need to take an easier approach to unpleasant events on the path that leads to happiness. Of course, it's easy to say, but hard to do, you say. And you and I completely... disagree. This is only at first glance difficult or impossible. Let's think about it.
Whenever something bad happens to you, what do you do? You get upset, panic, start to worry, and thereby escalate the situation even more. And you just need to relax, take a breath and start thinking about where the way out is. Remember, you definitely have a friend who will say: “Relax, everything will be OK.” And, you know, everything will be exactly like that for him. Why? Yes, because he let go of the situation and got busy with something that would bring results that would cover up all the negativity that had fallen. And at this time you, like a fish on ice, will fight in panic and only aggravate the situation, which in fact may not be so critical. Therefore, here is our advice for you: when it seems that the situation is out of control, remember the words of King Solomon: “Everything will pass, and this too will pass.” Think about it, do you really need to be nervous?
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Make lemonade out of lemons
It sounds like a broken record, but nevertheless, this approach often works. Yes, there are situations in which we really cannot change anything. However, there are others when it is enough to take a step back or to the side to look at the problem with a fresh look, use a little creativity - and voila, an elegant and profitable solution will be found. And not at all where you initially expected. A classic example of this approach is the story of William Wrigley - the man and the chewing gum.
In the 90s of the 19th century, the company he created unsuccessfully tried to enter the market by selling household items - soap and baking powder. Things were going so-so, and in order to at least somehow stand out from the competition, Wrigley came up with the idea of attaching a penny piece of chewing gum to each pack of baking powder.
Alas, the company continued to operate at zero, or even at a loss, clouds were gathering over the business, and Wrigley was ready to accept the fact that he would not make a businessman. However, at some point, an unlucky entrepreneur noticed that people sometimes buy baking powder for future use just to get a pack of chewing gum along with it. If Archimedes were in his place, he would have exclaimed: “Eureka!”
Wrigley limited himself to completely reorienting the business to the production and sale of chewing gum, which before him had not been considered a promising product. The result of this creativity and the success that followed it is chewed upon by the whole world (literally) to this day.
Enjoy simple things
One of the hardest things that difficult times bring us is the decrease in our comfort level. When you are doing well, you can find joy in dining at popular restaurants, traveling, hiring a housekeeper to make your life easier, and buying expensive things. When things start to get worse, you have to give up a lot, and this causes sadness.
Meanwhile, to enjoy life, sometimes very simple things are enough. Instead of dinner at a restaurant, find some interesting recipe and cook an original (albeit inexpensive) dish with your loved ones. Instead of traveling around Europe, make it a habit to get on your bikes on Saturdays and explore your surroundings. Minimalism is in fashion now. Try it for yourself now. When will such a chance arise again, really?
Look at yourself from the outside
Read also - 7 types of dangerous dreams: why dreams can be harmful
An effective way to calm down is to look at yourself from the outside. It’s not for nothing that they say: all life is a theater, and all the people in it are actors. Try to imagine that you are playing a role and the audience is watching you. Who do they see on stage, a loser who gave up at the first possible opportunity or a fighter who strives for results? What situation did the hero actually find himself in - irreversible or temporary? This way you can assess the current difficult situation.
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