When I decided to write this article, I thought for a long time about whether it was worth touching on uncomfortable topics that are not usually discussed openly when discussing the role of women in this terrible tragedy: domestic violence? Many psychologists try to avoid sharp corners and look at the victim and her tormentor one-sidedly.
I would like to note right away: I am against violence against women, I am against violence against children! The hackneyed phrase: “It’s my own fault,” attempts by others to blame the victim, devalue her suffering and justify the actions of the aggressor, cause me nothing but anger, indignation and anger. However, the topic of spousal abuse is very complex.
Let's try to understand it, understand why this happens, how to recognize a tyrant husband and how to find the strength to leave or stay. Yes, yes, you were not mistaken! Even stay. There are such choices in a woman’s life. This is exactly one of the uncomfortable topics that I would like to discuss in this article. But let's start in order.
How to recognize a tyrant husband?
Much has already been said and written about how to recognize a tyrant. Let's just go over the main signs that are inherent in an aggressor husband. It is important to note that these signs may be implicit in the first stages of a relationship, gain strength over time, and sometimes even be perceived as care, a manifestation of love, or concern for your spouse.
- Perhaps the most striking sign is the husband’s need to make the woman completely dependent on him :
- Materially. “Why do you need to get an education? It's a waste of time". “Why do you need to look for a job? I'll make money. Better do housework and stay at home. The children will be starting soon, I still have to go on maternity leave.”
- Psychologically. “Only I am your hope and support.” “Only with me you will feel good.”
- Emotionally. “We will feel very bad without each other.” “Only with me will you be happy.”
- He seeks to break all social ties of a woman. “Why do you need friends and girlfriends? They are jealous of us and will interfere in our relationships. And your friends sleep and see when we part. These fools dream of separating us, they can tell you anything about me.” “You communicate with your parents too often. Your mother probably wanted you to marry a prince.” "If you love me, don't talk to them."
What could this turn into after some time? One day a woman realizes that she is completely dependent on her husband financially: no job, no money of her own, no home of her own; she does not have stable social connections: she has not communicated with her friends for a long time, it is a shame to tell her parents that not everything in her life is good, she has no one to ask for help and support.
- Jealousy and control . "Girls! You have no idea how much he loves me! Keeps track of where I am, who I'm with. Afraid of losing! Remember Kolka? Did we go to college together? He said not to call me, otherwise he’ll break his nose.”
What does it turn into later, when the euphoria wears off? In fear of talking to a stranger on the street when you need to ask for directions or “what time is it”, in fear of arousing another baseless suspicion when an old acquaintance calls and invites you to a reunion at your home school, in fear of spending extra money on buying new tights, because that all this could cause another violent reaction.
- Formation of a guilt complex . “I broke your Kolka’s nose here. You are the one to blame! I asked you not to communicate with him.”
Unfortunately, the guilt complex will only grow further. “It’s your own fault that I’m angry. I am hungry! Your cooking is simply disgusting!” “I ruined my shirt and tie because of you! What?! Is it so difficult to put a cup of coffee on the table NORMALLY?!” “I was late for work because you, you creature, didn’t prepare breakfast for me on time!” “I would have time to submit the report if I didn’t have to call you and ask what you’re doing. You need to be constantly monitored!” “Yesterday I came drunk because I didn’t want to look at you sober!” And there are many, many more reasons for screaming and aggression.
- Blows to self-esteem, insults and humiliation. “How stupid you are, you can’t do anything without me!” “Again you with your stupidity! If you don’t know how to answer correctly, it’s better to shut up altogether, don’t embarrass me!” “You see what a REAL WOMAN should look like! What a figure! And you’re like a gray mouse!”
A tyrant man will seek to criticize, humiliate and ridicule his woman until she understands, yes! Precisely he will not UNDERSTAND that no one else needs her, that no one else will even look at her, that she is stupid, ugly, unworthy, unwanted, and only he, like the last fool, contacted her, and she should be grateful to him for the fact that she did not remain an old maid until the end of her days, that HE was in her life.
- At this point we will combine several signs. Punishment. The first slap in the face or other physical or mental impact is interpreted as incontinence of emotions, intensity of passions. “He's so explosive! He probably couldn’t control himself... He loves him very much, he worries. It’s my fault... I gave reason for jealousy. He brought flowers, apologized, I’ve never seen him like this! He was on his knees, crying. Then we made love passionately."
But very soon all doubts are dispelled and what previously seemed like an attempt to relieve tension and overwhelm with feelings turns into routine. Punishment becomes a reality, sometimes inevitable. A woman develops a fear of punishment . Her sense of security becomes dependent on her husband’s mood, on his condition, since, often, aggressor husbands have various types of addictions (alcohol, drug addiction, gambling addiction).
Do you want a decent man? Then remember this phrase: “you are a smart man.”
Every man considers himself smart. But many girls think that if you give such compliments to men, then he will relax, he will sit on his neck. Just try it. You can try this in any situation. The man talks a lot. What does he want to hear? He wants to hear how smart he is. Mom didn't tell him.
How did most mothers raise their sons? “You’re bad, you’re doing it wrong, you’re doing it badly.” And she thinks that now I will criticize him, and he will become better. And you also look at your mother, grow up and think that you need to criticize your husband, a man on a date, and then he will have a desire to become better.
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Why is this happening?
There are a number of reasons why a man develops a tendency to display violence in the family. Speaking about it, we imagine cruelty towards the weak, dependent and, often, helpless: wife, children, old parents, that is, all those who cannot fight back and provide tough resistance. Many female victims noted that when interacting with other people, men and women, tyrant husbands became cowardly, helpful, and ingratiating.
Let's look at the main versions.
- Psychological trauma. As a boy, he himself could have been a victim of illegal actions on the part of an adult family member or a person close to the family, so to speak, an insider of the house (family friend, neighbor, etc.). Moreover, illegal actions can be understood not only as physical, mental, but also sexual violence. This traumatization is especially terrible in cases where the victim loved or was strongly attached to the molester (father, grandfather, uncle, brother, etc.).
- Family scenario and behavior model. The boy grew up and was formed as a person in an atmosphere of cruelty from his father/stepfather towards his mother/stepmother or towards everyone at home. For a future man, this behavior towards a woman could become the norm, a way to get his way, a way to keep everything under control. As a child, he learned that violence is the key to obedience and well-being. Of course, not all men who were raised in parental families in an atmosphere of violence resort to a similar model of behavior in their own families. Some boys had to protect their mothers from angry fathers at the cost of their own safety. You can often hear terrible stories from men about what they had to endure in childhood, when tyrant fathers abused their mothers and mutilated them in front of helpless children. However, when analyzing the problems of domestic violence, psychologists are often faced with a repeating family scenario.
- Personality typology or psychopathology. In the process of passing through certain stages of development, a child may become fixated on some sadistic emotional experiences. Such fixations lead to the consolidation of certain personal characteristics. Also, the consequences of any injuries and diseases, including hereditary ones, contribute to the tendency to aggressive behavior. As a rule, if we are talking about typology or psychopathology, then aggression extends not only to the family, but also to the entire person’s environment.
- Dependencies. The personality of a person who suffers from alcoholism or drug addiction undergoes multiple changes, sometimes irreversible. Of course, such mental disorders can have an extremely negative impact on behavior, the perception of others and self-perception; addiction also erases some of the boundaries of what is permissible and the understanding of moral and ethical standards. Turning to statistics, we can again see that most crimes against the life and health of women are committed by men in a state of altered consciousness.
Psychologist's advice
If you live in the same territory with a tyrant husband, you should learn something:
- do not allow yourself to be manipulated (you communicate with whomever you see fit, and should not feel guilty about it);
- defend your point of view (otherwise you will not be perceived as an equal member of the family);
- know how to resist unfounded claims against you;
- become financially independent from the tyrant at any cost;
- do not live in memories of past feelings (the past was a deception, your husband will never be the same);
- Do not condone assault under any circumstances.
The main advice from psychologists is to love yourself and treat yourself as an individual. Understand, you must make it clear to the tyrant that you are easily ready to get away with disrespect. If you want to check, keep your promise. If you back down, you will never earn a good attitude from your husband.
Tyranny in the home is a real horror for household members. What keeps women close to abusive husbands is known only to themselves. The question is different - how much longer can these fragile shoulders withstand? Is it worth it? What else needs to happen for common sense to prevail? Dear women, never be left alone in the fight against your tyrant husband. You will never win, but you can heal from your wounds for the rest of your life! Find faith, strength and will in yourself, find a loved one you can rely on and, ultimately, change your life! You are worthy of respect, love and affection. With a tyrant you will never know this! Take care of yourself and be happy!
What to do: leave or stay?
I would like to point out right away... LEAVE! In the name of your safety, well-being, personal happiness, mental and physical health of your children! Leave! There are a huge number of charitable foundations, temporary shelters for women with children, and support groups. They will help you process lost documents, find a job, place your children in kindergarten, provide support, and help restore connections with relatives and friends. Unfortunately, not every such foundation or crisis center can accompany a woman through long-term psychological rehabilitation. A psychologist or psychotherapist can help here.
But what's with the stupid question in the subtitle? What does "stay" mean? How is this option even possible?! Indeed, according to the most conservative statistics, every year dozens of women across the country die at the hands of their own husbands, cohabitants, and lovers!
The outrage is fair, but remember. Have you met women in your life who have lived with aggressors for DECADES of years? Why do they live with them? Why don't they leave? Why do they allow themselves and their children to be abused for many years? Why do they tolerate this attitude? Let’s say right away that we will not consider the situation of an asocial or dysfunctional family, because this is a very complex topic and, even if we try, it will not be possible to cover it in one article, since an alcoholic or drug addicted married couple is also a matter of deepest personal traumas and codependency, illness and personality breakdown. So why don't they leave?
Here we come to that very “inconvenient” topic.
We can talk for a long time about love for the aggressor, reluctance to “deprive children of their father,” financial dependence and much more. Although, we recently discussed: there is a way out. But, think, in such cases, what is the secondary benefit of the woman? Yes, yes, it’s hard to believe, but there are certain benefits! It is not always visible to the naked eye. The woman does not leave because life with the aggressor is her mission!
“He will die without me, he needs me” or “I will change him”
“I must suffer for the sake of the children” or “This is my cross”
“But everyone around me pities me” or “They think I’m good.”
What are these benefits? What does a woman realize for herself when living with a tyrant?
- Codependency is a painful, destructive psycho-emotional connection with an aggressor;
- Personal traumatic experience, including that acquired in the parental family, and an attempt to work through it through repetition of traumatization;
- Masochistic typology of personality (fixation), as a basis for self-punishment.
“I’ll sooner crush you and drive you to your grave than give you a divorce.”
Elena also contacted the “Shelter”. She was advised on the legal issues of divorce and was offered to come to Minsk and move into the “Shelter” house. But Elena decided to take a different path. In 2018, she saw on the news how a man bought a castle in the Novogrudok region from the state property database for one “basic” ruble - 24.5 rubles. And she decided that her calls to the universe were heard. The woman found an electronic database of state property for sale and began choosing a house for herself.
– I was looking, of course, away from my husband – Brest, Grodno regions. And I found it at the right price and location. I was embarrassed that the house - a former school - was very large. 700 square meters. But I fell in love with him. Everything there breathes with antiquity, with some special village spirit - the house is from 1905.
I understand that it is dilapidated and that there is a lot of work. But what a tree! Imagine, the house is more than a hundred years old, but it stands evenly and firmly. In the attic, the resin still protrudes from the ceilings. The pine tree is 100 years old and still alive. You see, alive!
For two years, Elena led a double life: she hid paperwork and trips 500 kilometers away from her husband. He didn’t want a divorce, he said: “I’ll crush you faster, take you to your grave, than give you a divorce.” I had to leave without warning one day in advance. The husband first called and threatened, then drank and cried. And two weeks later he brought to the apartment a woman whom he had been dating for a long time.
What is the conclusion?
What conclusion can be drawn? Of course, running away from a tyrant husband or living with an aggressor is a woman’s choice, sometimes unconscious. If a woman finds the strength to leave, then she can safely be called resourceful. Love and respect for oneself, love and care for children were able to win. What if there is no resource? If there is an understanding that it is impossible to live like this, and there is a real threat to the physical and mental safety of children, but there is no strength, what then to do? Involve as many specialists as possible in solving the problem.
Families in which violence flourishes become closed to others - this is the main obstacle to help. Psychological support is one of these outstretched hands. In Russia, as in many developed countries, there are helplines and free psychological help centers, incl. for victims of domestic violence. If you do not have the opportunity to get support from loved ones, you can always find it. The main thing is to understand that you need support and start looking for it.
Author: Anna Mikhailova
Why is psychological violence dangerous?
Damaged self-confidence, fears, complexes, depressed mood,
even
depression
- these are the consequences of “bloodless” violence for the victim.
They are quite comparable to the damage caused, for example, by beatings. Experts have long trumpeted on every corner that psychological violence is just as destructive as physical violence. Only women who are accustomed to direct or veiled ridicule, insults, humiliation, neglect, and devaluation ignore the warnings and do not see the seriousness of the situation. “When sharing their stories, women often laugh and make jokes.
Like, just think: you came, stomped your feet, took the money - all the same, he says, you’ll go crazy,” says the psychologist.
psychological defense
manifests itself in those who are not ready to look for a way out of the current situation. The woman shared her emotions, relieved the tension - and that was all. She is again ready to endure the barbs of someone who craves power over her.
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