Domestic violence is a problem that is much larger than many realize. Official statistics show that every fifth woman in Russia is subjected to domestic violence. We tell you how to deal with this.
Alena Tretyakova, family psychologist
In our country, the situation is complicated by the fact that Russian legislation does not yet have the concept of “domestic violence”. And according to existing laws, it is possible to bring an aggressor to justice only if the victim received serious bodily injuries. Everything else is not considered a crime and does not require any measures.
The situation is even more complicated because even in cases of physical injury, victims of violence rarely seek help, much less bring the case to court.
By definition, if a person has shown aggression two or more times, we can talk about domestic violence. This is a very important point: if a conflict occurred once, perhaps under the influence of some serious circumstances, then there is reason to believe that the situation will not happen again. However, if it is repeated a second time, then this indicates a person’s propensity for such behavior and immediately turns into violence. Please note again: twice is enough.
Story 1
Olya married for great love.
Igor seemed like the ideal man: he earned good money, was athletic, and attentive. He proposed to her two months after she moved in with him. And everything promised great happiness, if not for one episode, which, no matter how Olga tried to forget it, remained that very fly in the ointment. It all started with small reproaches and increased interest in which of the men the girl was communicating with. She didn’t give reasons, but since she worked in a male team, it wasn’t difficult to find them if she wanted. Then there was a restaurant where, as it seemed to Igor, she was too kind to the waiter. At home, he made a scandal, accusing her of inappropriate behavior, and eventually hit her.
Then he went to bed, and in the morning he apologized for a long time and swore that this was a big mistake that he would not repeat. Olga believed. But the mistake was repeated right after the wedding, where she talked for too long with the witness, and then on her honeymoon... And after... And every time there were vows and promises in which she believed...
Relationships in a family where violence occurs develop according to a strictly defined cycle:
1)
The man escalates the situation. There are unfounded quibbles, accusations, most often groundless, constant criticism. The phase can last for a long time, as women often try to calmly respond and defuse the situation, mistakenly hoping to reduce the outbreak of violence.
2)
Direct violence. Lasts for a certain period of time from 2 to 24 hours. The tension accumulated in the previous stage finds a way out, and intense discharge occurs. The man falls into uncontrollable fits of anger. Moreover, this can be a single long episode or a series of attacks.
3)
Reconciliation. After violence there always comes a period of great love. The offender becomes affectionate and attentive, tearfully asks for forgiveness, desperately swears that this will not happen again. Women believe in this, reset the previous stages in their memory and live in a fairy tale until the transition to the next round of the cycle occurs.
Further relationships occur in a vicious circle: nagging, prohibitions, violence and again impeccable behavior.
The phenomenon of pathological deception
Sometimes the habit of confusing others with false information takes over a person so much that he himself believes that he is telling the truth. Such individuals do not even realize how strongly dependent they are. Pathological lies become a real obstacle to a full life in society. People around them are not inclined to take lovers of writing seriously. The circle of contacts of these individuals narrows, and they turn into outcasts. In addition, such people sacredly believe in the truth of their words. Therefore, when others accuse a liar of deception, he may be sincerely offended and begin to make excuses.
How to recognize a lover of lies? The next section of the article talks about the obvious signs that are characteristic of abnormal behavior of this kind.
What makes women stay in such relationships?
First of all, the inability to adequately assess reality.
They really believe every time that this will not happen again and live in the hope that the man will change. Each has its own reason for this belief, but most often it is the result of behavioral patterns taken from the parental family.
The longer a woman stays in such a relationship, the more her mental health suffers. Self-esteem decreases, self-confidence disappears, the situation seems insoluble. Under constant pressure, she begins to come to terms with the idea that “no one else will need her,” “she will be lost without her husband,” “she should be grateful to her husband for living with her at all,” and so on.
The most dangerous stage begins when a woman takes responsibility for the abuse. “I provoked it myself” is the point after which we can talk about the impossibility of coping with the problem on our own.
Signs
A mythomaniac is not only a born liar, but also a sophisticated manipulator. Being in the company of a pathological liar is unpleasant, and sometimes even dangerous. At the same time, it is often very difficult to convict him of deception. The only thing that can force him to admit to lying is fear for his own life or well-being.
Symptoms of pathological lying can be obvious and hidden. Identifying the latter is not easy even for a specialist.
Pathological liars love to create an atmosphere of comfort around themselves. Only under such conditions do they feel relaxed and can set themselves up for an impeccably perfect lie. In a comfortable environment, their fantasies are embodied in stories with redoubled force and “crazy” conviction.
A person prone to pathological lies reveals himself better in interactions with people who sympathize with him or are under his influence (in particular, representatives of the opposite gender). It is easier to establish interaction with these people and make them believe in any invented story.
Pathological liars are excellent speakers and excellent communicators. The main skills they use in any circumstances are lying and exaggeration. However, sometimes their stories seem like complete nonsense. Therefore, if a friend’s words constantly cause great surprise, he is probably a mythomaniac.
Among the key signs of pathological lying are the desire for increased attention and excessive self-love. Often the inventions of chronic liars resemble children's whims that arise when kids want to attract parental attention.
Pathological liars have low self-esteem. A person feels weak and may often suffer from personality disorders, depressive moods and bipolar disorders. All this gives rise to lies, which become the constant companion of the mythomaniac. By such actions he creates for himself a new, more acceptable reality. Lies and false beliefs instill confidence in the mythomaniac.
Some chronic liars only get satisfaction when listeners admire their words and are genuinely surprised. If a liar forces those around him to believe in his tales, then this fills him with special pride and confidence. And, conversely, if his fiction is easily “seen through,” then the mythomaniac’s self-esteem will suffer.
The habit of lying and making people believe lies forces pathological liars to adapt to their environment and learn to feel them, notice and analyze their emotions during interaction. Therefore, professional liars are often good psychologists.
Ordinary people, when they tell a lie, try to avoid eye contact with the listener, therefore, as a rule, they lower their gaze or hide their eyes. Mythomaniacs are structured differently - they fundamentally try to catch the gaze of their interlocutor in order to look him straight in the eyes. This makes it easier for them to convince listeners and inspire trust. The pathological deceiver is able to look his opponent in the eyes throughout the entire verbal interaction without looking away. Although it is considered normal to look away periodically during a conversation.
As a rule, mythomaniacs are given away by a fake smile. When the interlocutor smiles sincerely, his entire facial expression changes, while for liars only the area near the mouth changes.
Mitomania, as a rule, begins during childhood. At first, kids use innocent excuses, for example, because of a fight with a peer or a broken toy. During school time, children tend to tell lies more often due to poor grades and unsatisfactory behavior.
Pathological lies in children are expressed in their use solely for selfish purposes. For example, they shift the blame onto others in order to avoid parental punishment, and often lie by saying that they did their homework so they could go for a walk.
Story 2
When Oleg came home drunk, Sonya knew that she had to be very careful and choose every word.
Sometimes she was able to get him to sleep peacefully. But most often it all ended with accusations against her that she was ungrateful, did not appreciate him and did not know how to do anything in this life. The reason was under-salted cutlets, a mop that prevented him from passing, and even a look that might seem too provocative to him. And then more often than not he raised his hand to her. Several times she tried to share this with someone she knew, but everyone knew Oleg as a wonderful person and had a hard time believing that he was capable of such a thing. And even her own mother once said: “Maybe you’re not acting right with him.” And Sonya began to doubt... Maybe it really was her. After all, with others he is always so cheerful and kind, but with her... And she looked for this reason, tried to please him more and more, but every time a new reason appeared that provoked him. And she blamed herself for not being able to do what was necessary and again angering him.
Often those men who do not show aggression in society are prone to domestic violence.
Therefore, it is difficult for a woman to find support and understanding of the problem among her friends. They often face judgment, which makes their situation even more difficult - they desperately need help, but they cannot ask for it. And over time, they themselves lose understanding that they are in trouble.
The most important step towards solving this problem is a realistic assessment of the situation. It is possible to cope with this only if a woman finds the strength to admit that such a man’s behavior is not normal, and most importantly, can be extremely dangerous for her. And with this awareness, go look for help. Help in order to feel safe, to understand that the situation is not hopeless, and most importantly, to find the courage to find ways out and use them.
The problem is complex and, as a rule, affects many levels of the individual, so in most cases it is impossible to cope on your own, and the support of specialists is required.
Pathological lying and its causes
The main character of the film “Liar, Liar” has a specific style of communication - he lies to everyone without exception and often unnecessarily. Does a loved one or acquaintance do the same? You are probably dealing with a pathological liar. Let's look at the psychological origins of this behavior.
What is pathological lying
Pathological lying is a psychological condition in which a person feels an irresistible and not always conscious need to lie. This behavior is most often dictated by the desire to prove one’s own importance to the outside world.
A pathological liar tends to give false information and make up various fantastic stories about:
- fictional events;
- non-existent successes and achievements;
- adventures from my own life.
Gradually the person gets used to the role, begins to believe in what is said and does not recognize his own lies. He is confident that he is right, even if the story about a particular event is constantly changing.
The diagnosis of “pathological lying” does not exist in modern clinical psychiatry and psychology. However, behavior in which a person constantly lies for no apparent benefit is considered a serious personality disorder.
In some cases, pathological lies are designated by the term “pseudology fiction” or “mythomania.” The latter was introduced into use by the French psychiatrist Ernest Dupre. He believed that such a disorder could occur in both children and adults. Recognizing a lie is usually not difficult. Regardless of the age of a liar, his main manifestations are:
- distortion of the truth;
- constant lies and inventions;
- pretense.
What is Pathological Lying: Pexels
What are the causes of pathological lying?
It often manifests itself in adults as a reaction to childhood trauma or the costs of upbringing. Very often, harmless childhood fantasies develop into adult pathological lies due to total parental control.
Lack of attention from adults, lack of affection, humiliation of dignity, excessive criticism, and violence can lead to the same result. According to coach and psychologist Victoria Kaylin, in order to appear better or to repress painful memories, the child begins to invent a new identity for himself.
A person can become a pathological liar for other reasons. The most common of them:
- Presence of addiction. Alcoholics and drug addicts often lie to people to hide their problem.
- Features of the structure of the brain. The volume of gray matter in the prefrontal cortex of pathological liars is less than that of normal people. This part of the brain is responsible for morality and remorse.
- Low self-esteem. Subconsciously, mythomaniacs consider the truth not attractive enough. By telling a lie, they want to appear better than they really are, and thereby earn everyone’s respect, admiration, and love.
- Personality disorders and other psychological problems.
Mythomania can manifest itself as a symptom of narcissism, borderline and bipolar disorder, sociopathy or, for example, attention deficit disorder combined with hyperactivity. Mythomania can also be provoked by organic brain damage or traumatic brain injury.
Pathological Lying: Reasons: Pexels
How to identify a disorder?
A conversation with a specialist allows you to diagnose and understand what the problem is. However, many deceivers are in no hurry to go to the doctor. They feel shame and embarrassment. And only the threat of family and friends to stop communicating gives a person an incentive to decide on this serious step. After all, no one wants to be lonely and rejected. A psychologist helps to identify the origins of pathological lying, the reasons that led to the emergence of this personality trait.
Having found out why and for what purposes people lie, you can explain to them how to find other ways to implement their plans and successfully communicate with others. There are no medications that cure deception. Only working on yourself is an effective method of eliminating the problem.
Dangerous consequences
Zberovsky warned that pathological lying is a step towards schizophrenia and psychopathy.
“The development of pathological lying can lead to the fact that a person no longer understands where he is. This process takes many years, but sooner or later a person gets confused,” the expert warned.
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The psychologist explained whether it is possible to cure a pathological liar. According to him, if a person is convinced of the harm of his own lies and wants to change his behavior pattern, then this is possible. However, if you do not stop in time, the person will become so confused that close people will most likely turn away from him, and this will lead to other mental problems.
“Modern tomographs can detect pathological liars - they have more centers in their brain than an ordinary person. The brain is overloaded with these lies, this can be seen on the tomograph,” the psychologist added.
Is this phenomenon considered a mental disorder?
The tendency to tell lies can be both a personal characteristic and a sign of illness. Pathological lying in psychiatry is indicated as a manifestation of schizophrenic disorder. Patients with a similar diagnosis are haunted by visions and delusions. As a result, they present fictitious information as truth.
Sometimes a person behaves too emotionally. Such individuals show feelings very violently: they cry loudly, laugh. These are patients with hysterical neurosis. They are also characterized by the desire to constantly lie in order to attract the attention of loved ones and acquaintances. Pathological lying is combined with the diagnosis of hypochondria. Such individuals regularly visit doctors, trying to convince them that they are sick, and they themselves believe it. However, tests indicate no health problems. Others evaluate the complaints of an anxious hypochondriac as deception.
The desire to constantly lie is characteristic of individuals who cannot adapt to society. They often commit illegal actions: they steal, they cheat.
conclusions
For a person who constantly lies, life becomes incredibly difficult. His surroundings also face certain difficulties: family members, acquaintances, colleagues. The origins of this problem lie in childhood or later in life. People who suffer from self-doubt, are timid and fearful, tend to write regularly. This is how they try to become more authoritative, achieve respect, recognition, sympathy. Those who can be called demonstrative personalities also lie constantly. They expect increased attention to their person. Acquaintances or relatives who tell lies are usually treated reprehensibly. A person may believe that lying helps them cope with difficulties or avoid responsibility. However, this quality only causes mistrust and quarrels. As a result, the deceiver becomes lonely, deprived of prospects for career and personal development, and romantic relationships. Many people with this problem refuse to admit it. However, those who do this are able to objectively evaluate themselves and correct the situation. Pathological lying is not treated with medication, except in cases where this trait is combined with mental illness. Conversations with a psychotherapy specialist help a person cope with difficulties and realize himself in society.
Psychological characteristics of those who tell lies all the time
This trait is often found in people who have low self-esteem. They make up various stories to feel important in the eyes of others.
Pathological lying is a characteristic of individuals who have difficulty communicating. They cannot get rid of shyness and fearfulness. Such people find it difficult to make decisions. And writing is a great opportunity to gain authority in society.
Unfortunately, liars do not realize the trap they are setting themselves up for. The character trait quickly takes over the person, and he becomes a hostage to deception. This leads to unpleasant consequences.
