Shyness: why and how does it prevent a person from being himself?

Shyness is a periodic mental state caused by a combination of external factors and internal self-awareness, manifested by behavioral reactions and characteristic of both humans and animals. Shyness includes a whole set of traits that together form this character trait. These include tension, fearfulness, uncertainty due to a lack of social and communication skills, and a certain degree of awkwardness during social interaction.

The reasons for shyness always lie in the desire to hide one's true personality due to fear of interaction, so a person is quite careful in his statements and manifestations. Because of this style of behavior, shyness is often mistaken for internal modesty, sophistication, restraint, and secular manners, but at the same time it is not an external reflection of the presence of these qualities, it is just a mask that looks like that.

There are several categories of manifestation of shyness: external (when a person is afraid to appear in society, attaches overvalued importance to public opinion, subordinates his own thoughts and actions to the assessments of others and is afraid of their condemnation) and internal (when a person is embarrassed in front of himself, the prerequisites for which are too strong feelings of shame, low self-esteem, lack of adequate self-perception and skills to cope with psychological problems).

Shyness is formed during personality development at the earliest stages. This can be served by the examples of parents and copying the model of interaction with the world and reactions to it. Another point that shapes these reactions is the process of socialization, which was traumatic or impoverished, which resulted in a lack of formation of the necessary social skills.

In addition to external ones, there are also internal reasons for shyness. Psychological factors include serious intrapersonal conflict that occurs at subconscious levels. An internal emotional storm arises, often caused by conflicting reactions or desires that are suppressed or the entire conflict is suppressed. At the same time, a person consciously chooses to follow the rules of society, which drown out his own needs - the level of tension grows, it becomes increasingly difficult to find contact with society. The shyness caused by such experiences is comparable to a sealed steam boiler, which explodes after a certain pressure point. At the same time, the person is unlikely to be perceived as shy, and this will shock those around him.

Shyness is also caused by a disturbance in the metabolism of neurotransmitters in the brain and serves as a symptom of certain psychological pathologies. This condition is associated with weakness of the nervous system, hyperthymic accentuations of the personality. When shyness is due to physiological indicators, drug therapy is usually required. If the condition is constantly expressed, and not situational shyness, psychotherapy is recommended.

Mental reaction

Shyness is a psychological state of a person that prevents him from fully functioning in society.

Manifests itself in the following forms:

1. External. Embarrassment is determined by a person’s visible nervous state: trembling in the voice, hands and change in complexion.
2. Internal. Outwardly, the person appears calm, but will still experience great anxiety.

Shyness acts as a defense mechanism of the psyche. Appears when interacting with people and performing tasks that are assessed by strangers. This state can be determined by self-doubt and excessive isolation.

The manifestation of shyness is observed in all people in a mild form when meeting a new person, introverts are especially susceptible to it. A deeper degree of the condition is dangerous when it prevents you from interacting with people around you and achieving your goals. If a pathology is detected, you should seek help from a specialist.

What is the danger of embarrassment?

Shyness is dangerous not only because you cannot calmly ask someone you meet where the pharmacy or the right street is...

Among other things, this feeling prevents you from defending your point of view, your desires. A person becomes withdrawn, no one knows what is going on in his head, which means no one can really help him. Possible interactions with the outside world are reduced.

Constant fear of a negative reaction, persecution, mobbing (ridicule, disgust, name-calling, etc.) to one’s actions can make a person suspicious, aggressive, but keeping his aggression to himself.

So don’t indulge the feeling of embarrassment; sooner or later it will make your life unbearably difficult.

I'm shy! - says such a person, giving himself the opportunity not to take responsibility and keep his head down. But no matter how shy a friend hides like an ostrich in the sand, he cannot help but understand early on that in order to live, love, and work fully, he will have to fight his shyness and insecurity.

Psychological picture

A characteristic of a shy person is unusual behavior when the face turns red, the heartbeat quickens, the voice appears trembling, the palms sweat and the limbs begin to tremble.

Are you ready to stop thinking about your problem and finally move on to real actions that will help you get rid of your problems once and for all? Then perhaps you will be interested in this article .

Signs of modesty appear: it is difficult to make acquaintances, to start talking to a stranger first. This limits the possibility of continuing further communication.

A shy person cannot defend his point of view, because he is afraid that it will simply not be accepted.

Closedness and lack of self-confidence manifest themselves at work when communicating with colleagues and the boss. A shy employee is afraid to express himself. This hinders advancement and career development.

Shyness interferes with the development of creativity. Shy people are timid, so they don't like events where they have to speak in front of an audience. They are not confident in themselves, they think that they will not cope well. They are overcome by severe anxiety, which prevents them from expressing themselves.

How to overcome shyness and what not to do

So how can you not be shy?

Shyness, in fact, is extremely tiring both for the shy person and for those around him. She is an incredible waste of time and completely disrupts the normal flow of the conversation.

Therefore, it often happens that shy colleagues are left to be timid, without helping him to get comfortable and overcome his psychological problem.

And then some especially desperate people simply try to suppress their tightness, forget about it and the situations associated with it. Not only does this bring almost no benefit, but it can also cause harm in the future.

Causes

A child is not born shy. In infancy, on the contrary, he is active, emotional and strives to learn everything new. The causes of shyness are external. The onset of the condition occurs later – from 3 to 7 years, when the child’s socialization is actively taking place.

Parents play an important role in this process. Sometimes they can unknowingly harm the baby. Constant prohibitions and punishments create low self-esteem in a teenager.

The cause of tightness may be an unsuccessful socialization process. Mental trauma occurs through criticism of a child’s appearance or mental abilities by parents or peers. In the future, he will evaluate himself inadequately, since in childhood he attached too much importance to the opinions of others.

Signs

Defining shyness is not that difficult. The condition manifests itself in the following ways:

• fear of strangers;
• anxiety when speaking in public;
• diffidence;
• fear of looking straight into the eyes;
• presence of complexes;
• desire to constantly improve oneself.

Shyness is especially evident when communicating with strangers. With friends and relatives the condition is less pronounced. This is due to the fact that the person knows their possible reaction.

Sometimes shyness is perceived not as a feeling of insecurity, but as arrogance and indifference to people. They feel like they don’t want to communicate with them. It's a delusion. They are simply embarrassed to interact with them.

Shyness is not always a bad thing

Shyness is common to many people. This condition is not a bad quality of a person. It protects the psyche from possible stress. A timid person is perceived positively by others. After some time, fears go away, the interaction process improves.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Another positive side of shyness is improving your abilities. It manifests itself in the desire to please others in order to gain approval from them.

Like any psychological condition, shyness can transform into pathology. It becomes difficult for a person to communicate with his environment, even with friends, and achieve his goals. The disease manifests itself as a desire for self-isolation due to constant fear of failure.

Expression of feelings in different genders

Shyness manifests itself in children and adults, regardless of gender. But there is a difference in the manifestation of this emotional state and the reaction of the environment to it. Differences are formed on the basis of society’s understanding of men and women, their roles and behavior in society. A man should be confident, and a woman should be modest and shy with the opposite sex.

Based on this, society develops an image that boys and girls should adhere to. Behavior is evaluated and approved or condemned.

Due to stereotypes about shyness in families, children are raised in accordance with the prevailing image.

Men

Women are attracted to confident men. Timid young men do not inspire confidence. It is difficult for them to find a soul mate.

In addition, they are by nature protectors of the family. To feed her, to be a support, you need to be socially active in society. Parents, knowing this attitude, raise boys like men. Therefore, timid guys can be found much less often than girls.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Women

Shyness is not a problem for women. In society, it is compared with modesty and is opposed to promiscuity. Shy girls are considered more attractive. They find a mate more easily than self-confident representatives.

I want to protect timid women. Men feel that shyness means they won't be able to take care of themselves.

Interesting! Shyness may appear due to a deficiency of serotonin. The lack of the happiness hormone increases the feeling of anxiety.

The influence of genetics

Scientists from King's College London studied the nature of shyness. Until recently, it was believed that shyness is a feature of human temperament that is genetic. This opinion was based on a study of the characters of identical twins. Such people quite often had similar personality traits. If one of the twins was shy, then his genetically identical twin was also shy in communication.

However, it remained unclear what exactly caused this similarity. After all, shyness in identical twins could be caused not only by genetics, but also by identical upbringing conditions.

In 2006, scientists identified the gene for shyness - 5-HTT. However, it is not decisive. A person born with this gene does not necessarily become shy and timid. The conditions in which he grew up are of great importance.

Recent research by scientists from King's College London has shown that shyness is only 30% determined by genes. Character traits are largely dependent on the surrounding social environment.

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Consequences

Shyness can harm a person and deprive him of many opportunities in life.

Consequences include:

• increased fear of the opposite sex;
• there is no opportunity to make new acquaintances;
• lack of career growth;
• hiding creative abilities in front of the public;
• distortion of adequate reactions to events;
• the appearance of depression.

In society, shy people are unlikely to achieve success. They fear and worship people who are authoritative for them. They can only play the role of subordinates, where they are under the constant control of their superior.

When shy, a person tends to be closed. This prevents him from expressing himself; emotions cannot come out. There is a fear of speaking in front of an audience and demonstrating one's talents.

Symptoms of shyness

Symptoms of shyness can manifest themselves on a mental level:

• fear of being judged;
• social phobia;
• ignoring crowded events;
• averting gaze during direct contact;
• communication in closed positions.

One should not think that shy people do not suffer physically. Often a person is so embarrassed and afraid of being rejected by society that he suffers from the following symptoms:

• trembling in hands;
• cardiopalmus;
• dizziness;
• increased blood pressure;
• redness of the cheeks;
• increased sweating;
• chills.

Ways to fight

Shyness appears in childhood during the period of socialization. Therefore, it is easiest to prevent the development of this condition at this time. Parents must raise their child correctly. Need to:

• do not compare with other children;
• encourage initiatives;
• do not scold for minor offenses;
• praise for actions;
• do not criticize mental and external shortcomings.

With such upbringing, it is important not to spoil the child. It is necessary to explain in accessible language what to do in a given situation in order to avoid mistakes. The example of parents is an important component of the learning process. The child must understand that he is no worse than others, there is nothing to be afraid of when communicating with others.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

There are ways for introverts to stop being silent, shy, and mature.

Read more about how to stop being silent →

These include:

1. New image. Changing your style helps you feel more confident. The main thing is that the person feels comfortable in it.
2. Let go of the past. Shyness may be based on childhood grievances and conflicts. In adulthood, you need to return to them again, carefully comprehend and let go.
3. Acting courses. Acting classes will help you become more confident and overcome your inhibitions. They will teach you not to be afraid of speaking in public.

These methods will reduce the manifestation of shyness. The main thing is to realize that timidity prevents you from living fully.

Read more about how to get rid of shyness →

What to give up

Improper behavior can aggravate shyness. You should be wary of:

1. Excessive self-criticism. You can't be too hard on yourself.
2. Parties. Trying to eliminate shyness by visiting these places may end in failure. You will be even more uncomfortable there.
3. Alcohol. Timid people think that alcoholic drinks help them become more confident. They relax only temporarily, dulling the senses. Frequent use leads to alcoholism.

The above must be approached with caution. They are unable to help in situations of excessive timidity.

Interesting! Shyness can be the reason for success. This is due to the fact that a shy person is constantly improving himself and trying to overcome his fears.

How to get rid of shyness

Since there are problems of dissatisfaction with oneself, then to overcome shyness there are few different trainings, “successful thoughts”, etc.

There is a lot of such goodness on the Internet, every third site offers a super book, movie and the like, after which you will immediately become smart, beautiful, confident and wonderful.

However, when you go to any bookstore, you can answer that an eighth of it is definitely all occupied by such literature. But there is only a very small chance that it will help.

• It would be better to make a list of everything that does not suit you and work through each line.

After all, self-love leads to confidence, and that leads to the disappearance of embarrassment.

• Analyzing past failures will also contribute to your “healing”, because then you will better understand what to work on.

In addition, by analyzing the situation itself, you can try to confirm that not so many people noticed your mistake and it was not that terrible.

Remember: you are not to blame for everything and you do not look like a clown at all. The fact that you accidentally drop a napkin at a banquet or ask a passerby what time it is, everyone will forget in ten minutes (or you just got a terribly boring banquet and a passerby, since there was no event more interesting and memorable; is it worth worrying about?).

You shouldn’t be embarrassed by someone else’s interest, you have nothing to be afraid of (unless, of course, you’re pulling the silver fork off the table at that moment). Thus, we move smoothly to the next tip.

• Objectively understand and accept the behavior of other people and the situation as a whole.

Your neighbor at the table does not necessarily look at you askance because you somehow hold the cutlery incorrectly. First of all, calm down, maybe he is very upset about something in the family.

• If you said something stupid, not everyone in this large hall heard it, and a normal, well-mannered person will not remember it behind your back with some kind of malicious intent.
• Don't try to overcome your shyness by running around parties. It is more likely that you will feel uncomfortable there, and you will not be able to overcome anything.
• There is no need to look for fields for improvisation. Better go to the mirror and practice talking. Remember facial expressions, what you like best, figures of speech, gestures. And then use them in real dialogues.
• Keep calm. No one sees you as one complete mistake; if someone approaches you, it is quite possible that he is interested in you precisely as a person.
• Try talking to him about abstract topics, which you will practice in advance (see point above). Take your time, if you are worried, just listen to what your interlocutor says. People love to be listened to.
• You can look for people with similar interests and talk with them about your favorite topics. Learn to talk to them - it will be easier for you to communicate with others.
• Don't be afraid of self-irony. It is better to know your shortcomings and calmly be able to joke about them and accept the jokes of others than to hate them and be afraid.
• Watch your self-esteem. The further it is from reality, the more difficult it will be to cope with shyness.
• And remember – don’t dwell on your problem. Constantly repeating your timidity will not achieve anything.

Famous Shy People

Stars are always in the spotlight, that's their job. But many of them are shy when communicating with strangers.

These include:

1. Beyonce. The singer has always been a shy child. Performing on stage has never been easy for her. During her performances, the artist left her comfort zone, but thanks to her love for singing, she was able to overcome her fears.
2. Zane Malik. This young guy is in the group One Direction. He is calm by nature; fame did not come easily to him. At the beginning of his career, the singer was shy in front of the public.
3. Lady Gaga. The flamboyant singer is actually very shy and does not like large companies. The reason is attacks from classmates in childhood, when she was at school. The recognition of fans helped to overcome complexes and worries.
4. Demi Lovato. The actress and singer had a difficult time at school. Classmates offended the future star because of her excess weight. Only over time, having dealt with this problem, was Demi able to feel confident.
5. Christina Start. The actress admitted that she is afraid of interviews. During them, she feels anxious when answering questions about herself.

The listed famous people suffered from shyness since childhood, but their favorite activity helped them overcome their inhibitions and become more confident.

Test

You can determine the degree of your shyness using a test. Choose 1 option from 3 proposed answers.

1. Were you compared to other children as a child?

1. Yes, but only in my favor.
2. No, my parents thought it was inappropriate.
3. Yes, they criticized.

1. A colleague invites you to dinner after work.

1. Go, because you can get to know each other better.
2. You are anxiously thinking about topics to talk about.
3. Refuse to embarrass yourself out of concern.

1. In a cafe, you accidentally drop a cup of tea on a stranger.

1. Make jokes and apologize.
2. You get lost and ask for forgiveness.
3. You blush a lot and quickly leave.

1. Your friends criticize your hairstyle.

1. Laughingly say that she is not so terrible.
2. Wondering which hairstyle will suit you best?
3. You become isolated in yourself.

1. Your shyness.

1. It appears only in the first minutes of acquaintance.
2. Gives impetus to self-improvement.
3. Keeps you from taking advantage of life's opportunities.

If you get more “A” answers, this means you are not afraid of someone else’s assessment and have self-confidence. The predominance of answers “B” indicates the presence of a feeling of shyness, but very little and only in front of strangers. A large number of “C” answers indicates that shyness is preventing you from functioning normally in society. You should consult a psychologist to solve ingrained childhood problems.

Shyness is a natural protective manifestation of the psyche that is formed in childhood, but it is acceptable only in small quantities. Shyness in the form of a pathology prevents a person from communicating with people and achieving their goals.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

What is this

Shyness is a mental state of self-doubt, internal tension, constraint in words and movements, fear, awkwardness and indecision. It occurs periodically when, due to a number of external provoking factors, stable patterns of behavior are triggered due to the existing internal sense of self and undeveloped communication skills. It manifests itself primarily in the impossibility of casual communication.

Shyness and self-consciousness

In many dictionaries and sources, shyness and self-consciousness are used as synonyms. However, their psychology is slightly, but still different. To grasp the nuances of differentiation, one must look deeper into the etymology of these two words.

“Shyness” goes back to the word “close,” and “shyness” goes back to “wall.” Based on this, psychologists differentiate these two concepts. A shy person feels cramped within himself. He is oppressed by his own low self-esteem and the limitations that he has defined for himself. He cannot communicate normally with other people because he considers himself too unworthy and is afraid of failure. The shy person consciously builds a wall around himself in order to isolate himself from others, since his main phobia is betrayal, humiliation and hostility from others.

Based on these differences, the main direction in getting rid of shyness is to increase one’s own self-esteem, while shy people must first learn to trust others in order to build a line of communication with them and establish contacts.

Shyness and modesty

But modesty and shyness in psychology do not differ at all in shades. There is a deeper chasm between them. The first is a consequence of a conscious choice, while the second is a difficult-to-control psychological complex.

The table clearly demonstrates the difference between them:

If a modest person experiences psychological trauma, as a result of which self-esteem decreases and internal complexes develop, he may become shy. Therefore, psychologists say that shyness is pathological modesty.