How often in life do we hear such expressions as “be a person, do this...” or “be kind, help.” And we strive to comply, to keep the bar, because it is necessary. After all, we are GOOD PEOPLE! Without thinking that just being and really being kind are almost mutually exclusive concepts. How to consider this fine line?
I want to be good to everyone!
What does it mean? This means that you have a strong conviction in your soul. For example: “ Love to be good for everyone .” Beliefs are our (usually unconscious) attitudes. Which guide how we will live our lives.
All beliefs are divided into two groups:
Useful for us, helping us survive. And, unhelpful, harmful . Which hinder our effective survival.
What is typical is that the same belief can be useful in some situations, but in others it can be harmful. That's why it's so important to track your beliefs. Because understanding them gives us the opportunity to control where we can apply them and where it is better to abandon them. So as not to cause harm.
But let’s return to the “I want to be good for everyone” attitude. Where did she come from?
First reason
Of course, from childhood, from upbringing. For such a child, parents, grandparents, and educators often reinforced obedience, politeness, and friendliness. They said: “ be a good girl for everyone ”!
At the same time, there was a ban on expressing one’s negative feelings. Such as anger, resentment, anger. It was behavior that was encouraged when the child was comfortable and good. However, this approach to education leads to the fact that the grown child cannot adequately defend his boundaries. Doesn't know how to say no.
The second reason for this attitude is deeper
The attitude of “pleasing everyone” arises in response to some traumatic childhood situation. In which the child felt unwanted, unloved, rejected. And he was in unbearable pain.
However, the psyche knows how to protect children from unbearable pain. Inventing various loopholes. Which allow the child to feel valuable after all. Even though the traumatic situation broke this feeling.
The desire to please everyone, and especially significant people, is one of the options for mental compensation to gain a sense of self-worth, even if you are rejected, humiliated or abandoned.
And then you inevitably wonder:
A little about spiritual practices
Only by being an internally filled person will it be easier for you to give positive energy to other people. You can choose different spiritual practices for yourself. It can be:
- Prayers and the Orthodox Church
- Meditations
- Reading spiritual literature
Immersion in yourself helps you understand your inner spiritual states and find peace of mind. It also clears the mind of any negativity and helps to switch to the positive aspects of life.
Conduct spiritual practices in a quiet place where no one will distract you, where you can be alone with your thoughts. It could be your home or nature. The last place can provide an additional resource.
Photo by Pavel Danilyuk: Pexels
Also, going inward will help you slow down. Stop rushing. In the bustle of everyday life, it can be very difficult to stop and look around. It is in this state that it is more difficult to notice that someone needs help. It will also make it easier for you to praise other people. And this will create a new foundation for your relationship.
How to be good to everyone?
Surely, you have tried many times to use different options for goodness. They read something and tried to use it. Attended trainings. We grew above ourselves. You are trying to be for everyone:
- Sociable
- Attentive
- Dear
- funny
- Generous
- Helping
- Friendly
- Good
- Host
- Smart
- Pleasant to look at
- Non-conflict
Moreover, the task is always complicated by the fact that it is necessary to please completely different people. They have different ideas about what is good and what is bad.
One person may think that it is good when you are keenly interested in his affairs and mood. And another in the same situation may think that it’s good when you don’t pry into his soul with your curiosity.
Summing up
“By shining for others, I burn myself” - this is the motto, the life credo of truly worthy people. This is their way of thinking, which determines every action, every mental movement. Are those who constantly feed stray animals, treat them at their own expense, and place them in good hands, kind? Without a doubt! Is a young guy a good guy if he spares no time in taking a lonely elderly woman who lives a few blocks away from him for walks? And walk for free! Yes, of course he is good. Positive, best, best, most good - we can address these epithets to those who, behind their own deeds and plans, see the destinies of others and try to actively do good.
You won't be good to everyone!
Can you be good to everyone? No matter how it is! And it’s not at all about your personality characteristics or external data. The point is precisely that the people for whom we are trying to be good have different personal characteristics of their own.
Working as a psychologist, I understand how diverse and amazing the world of people is. How diverse is their internal psychological content? Everyone's individual experience matters:
- What kind of family did he have, mom, dad?
- What kind of friends did he have in childhood and now?
- What did he like to do as a child and what is interesting to him now?
- What are his own beliefs and attitudes?
- What is good for him, what is bad for him?
And we can certainly be good. But only for some people. The one with whom we connect will coincide. Let's approach like a key to a lock.
What part of people is this?
During consultations, I usually give the example of the Normal Distribution Curve. This is a mathematical model that shows how features and frequencies are distributed in our world.
According to it, about 14% of people will like us. 2% may even like us a lot. Even without doing anything about it. And, just as accurately, 14% of people will not like us. 2% - we won’t like you very much. At least we will work until we lose our pulse. The remaining approximately 68% will remain indifferent to us. That we exist, that we do not exist, is indifferent to them. Whether we try or not to please them, they won’t even notice.
Did you get the idea?
Basic definition
We will analyze the concept in five aspects. Most often, the epithet “worthy” is used to define a person who has a whole set of high moral qualities. It is this content that we put in when we say the following phrase: “Before us is a worthy citizen of his country.” Or the father of the family, for example.
To list the qualities of a worthy person, you should choose synonymous words. They can be found in the explanatory dictionary:
- deserved;
- majestic;
- valiant;
- decent.
Moral virtues are manifested in all areas of personal development:
- Spiritual development - thinking, highly moral, spiritual, developed, deep, noble.
- Career - a respected, purposeful, competent, principled person.
- Health – physically developed, positively disposed, leading an active lifestyle.
- Leisure - inquisitive, intellectually developed, enthusiastic.
- Finance - prosperous, wealthy, striving to improve well-being.
- Family - loyal, family values oriented, loving children, decent, morally stable.
- Public life - active, defending his positions, caring.
- Friends - reliable, friendly, responsive.
Surely the list can be expanded, but we have to talk about other aspects of the concept of “worthy person.”
You can't be good to everyone
You don't have to be good to everyone! What do you need then? You need two things: to be good for yourself and to be good for your loved ones.
Be good to yourself
It’s not for nothing that I put MYSELF first, because it’s more important. Why? Because there is an unshakable psychological law: if you are convinced deep down in your soul that you are a good person, if you have order with your self-esteem, if you believe in yourself. Then, you automatically broadcast this message to the outside world.
And then those around you read it from you. After that, according to the principle of a reflecting mirror, they give feedback, the opposite attitude. Simply put, how we treat ourselves, how much we love ourselves, is how much those around us love us.
What should you strive for?
- Do a little “kindness” (or “niceness”, whichever you prefer) every day. Just get into this habit, akin to regularly brushing your teeth in the morning. Today it could be helping a colleague “appease” the boss, tomorrow it could be feeding a stray animal. Any, even the most insignificant little thing, is marked with a “+” sign.
- Regularly, in accordance with personal financial capabilities, for example, once a month, send funds to charitable purposes. This does not have to be a sum with three zeros, your concern is important.
- Listen to others and empathize with others.
- Abstract from prejudices and stereotypes, ranging from racial and national, to such aspects as religion and knowledge of language.
- Be more tolerant of people, especially of other people's shortcomings. Regardless of whether you are a believer or not, remember the phrase: “Who among us is not without sin”?
- Just love, and in the broad sense of this verb. Starting small - love only for family and friends - learn to feel the profession and language, small and large Motherland. Remember that a truly good person is alien to such feelings as irritation, envy and cruelty.
How to be a good friend to everyone?
Well, let’s say I convinced you that you will never be good to everyone . And then, you may still have the desire to be a friend. Let's see what we have here.
What does it mean to you to be a friend? Be useful? Come to help on time, on the first call? Be able to support and sympathize when he has problems and calls you at three in the morning? If yes, then I have sad news. This attitude towards friends suggests that one day they will sit on your neck. Because “they ride whoever is lucky.” The saying goes like this.
At the same time, have you noticed that such friendship is not valued? Or rather, it is valued, but only as long as a person needs help. But as soon as everything gets better for him, he disappears.
What to do? Perhaps it was not possible to be good to everyone. But you can remain good precisely for those who love you not only for your friendly help. Ah, he sees you as a person! Appreciates your spiritual characteristics. And, ready to communicate with you. Even if you are of no use to him, just communicate. At the same time, enjoying it.
Don’t rush to say that this is impossible. Think about the bell curve for traits. 14% will like us a priori. Our most important task is to weed out people who are simply taking advantage of us. And, leave those who see us and love us. For our own psychological benefit and peace of mind. The desire to be good for everyone is in the firebox !
Examples from literature
Fiction is often called a mirror of reality. All processes, ideological and political, aesthetic trends and movements occurring in society, immediately find the most vivid reflection in literary works. Let us remember the novel by L.N. Tolstoy "War and Peace". Its main characters - Pierre Bezukhov and Andrei Bolkonsky - people, without a doubt, decent, honest, good people, throughout the entire narrative they think intensely about how to become better. For them, representatives of high society, coming from the most noble families, it was important not only to remain worthy of their great ancestors, but also to bring a new and bright beginning to life. To exist not only for oneself, but also for the benefit of others. “How to become better” for Andrei and Pierre meant: in what directions to direct their talents, knowledge, where to apply their spiritual strength in order to be as useful as possible to the country, state, and people. And the whole life of the writer himself, by the way, is also nothing more than a frantic search for ways to become “quite good.”
Is it good to be good to everyone?
Watch yourself. What happens to you when you try to be good to everyone? Just be honest. Are you achieving peace of mind? Peace? Do you feel better after this?
I accept the possibility that by pleasing another, you feel better for a while. But not for long. Why? Will explain. Because the need to be good for everyone and the strong desire to please others speaks of one’s own deep-seated lack of self-esteem.
To make it clear: imagine that deep down in your soul you firmly believe in your uniqueness and originality. And that you are good enough to be loved, needed and successful.
Now, think about it. If a person is confident within himself, then why does he need external confirmation? After all, it is the pursuit of external confirmation from other people that makes us so obsequious and “good”!
And how will you feel if you stop worrying about how to be a good person to everyone? Perhaps the enormous burden that you have been carrying for many years will fall from your shoulders? Because trying to be good to everyone is very, very, very mentally taxing. We spend a huge amount of energy there. And, as we have already found out, there is simply no point.
Author: Ekaterina Kholodova, psychologist. You can sign up for an ONLINE consultation with me via Skype, WhatsApp, Telegram, Viber
Be careful in your communication
The words we use to communicate with other people are very powerful and convey a clear picture of who we are.
They can destroy our image, so it is important that we use confident, positive words when talking about ourselves. How many times, before saying something, have you significantly reduced the value of what you were about to say?
“What I say may seem stupid, ridiculous, crazy...”?
How often do you say: “What a fool I am!”? If you repeat these words often, you will begin to create such an image of yourself in the eyes of other people that they will actually treat you as a fool or a fool. Stop using language that devalues you and start talking about yourself in a positive and respectful way.
How to stop being good to everyone
I hope that in this article I have convinced you that you shouldn’t be good to everyone . For many reasons. Home – it’s simply unrealistic, it’s impossible to be good to everyone! And, if you read everything carefully, then you probably have the right puzzle in your head about what to do in the future.
Get away from this. Hear yourself, tell yourself firmly: I’m tired of being good to everyone!
Ruthlessly give up your habits that please everyone. You need to understand that you have one life. And, it flows very quickly. And, over the years, it gets faster and faster. Do you want to spend it trying over and over again to be good to everyone, but not getting anything special in return?
Stages of self-improvement
The main thing, according to the poet, is not to be in “holy ignorance”, not to turn a blind eye to the troubles and problems of the people around you, not to be indifferent, not to live in a “hut on the edge”. Keeping your soul in a “black body”, dragging it “from stage to stage”, like a convict, means not being afraid to inflict mental trauma on yourself. If you see injustice, fight it. Even if you pay for it. They offend your neighbor, the weak, the defenseless - intercede, don’t be afraid. Your own shirt is not always closer to your body. This postulate should be one of the first to be learned if you are really interested in how to become better than others. A restless conscience, anxiety for the world, for people, for nature also belong to the “work of the soul.” Your heart should not harden, become covered with a stone shell that cannot be burned through by the tears of suffering, sorrow and human disasters. But empathy must be effective and active! You can't go far with words alone!
To get away from this belief, you need to:
- Analyze situations (as many as you can remember) when such behavior bothered you
- Identify patterns (repeated patterns of behavior) that you have been using
- Starting today, track their appearance in your behavior.
- Watch them, block them
- Look what it led to
- You see that nothing terrible happened - Hurray! - We rejoice
- Reinforce by repetition
- And, MOST IMPORTANTLY, improve your self-esteem and self-love. Because the more sincerely we love ourselves, the less we need the approval of others. And, accordingly, you are no longer a person who wants to be good for everyone.
Conclusion: Don't try to be good to everyone. Strive to be the best for yourself. And strive to maintain warm, loving relationships with loved ones. Those who see you. Who appreciates you?
@Ekaterina Aleksandrovna Kholodova. My CHANNEL in ZEN - subscribe!
Stop using "self-incriminating" statements
Do you recognize yourself in such a scenario? They complimented you on how good you look in that dress. But, instead of thanking and confidently accepting the praise, you answer: “Really?” “I think I look fat in this dress.” “If I lost a little weight, it would suit me even better.”
When your interlocutor gives you a compliment, and you disagree or start making arguments that you are actually not as good as this person thinks you are, you thereby reduce your value in his eyes. By taking compliments in this way, after a while you will notice that there are fewer and fewer of them, and instead of praise, criticism will begin to be heard in your address. The next time someone compliments you, simply thank the person.
