- September 9, 2019
- Psychology of Personality
- Angelica Braldi
I am a bad man. Such a categorical statement is often emotional, uttered in a moment of emotion, guilt, and repentance. If a statement appears in such circumstances, then it does not at all indicate that the person actually thinks so; it is not his belief, but simply words reflecting internal experiences.
Just as rarely, the statement “I am a bad person” sounds like an ultimatum. It is used for a kind of speculation, the purpose of which is to attract increased attention to oneself. As a rule, the declarant expects that the people around him will begin to convince him of the opposite, shower him with compliments and talk about how wonderful and good he really is. Of course, in this situation, a person also does not worry about the presence of bad qualities in his character.
However, there is also a true awareness of oneself as an unworthy, bad, vicious individual. And in this case, the phrase “I am a bad person” is either an objective assessment or evidence of a personality crisis and the presence of complexes, for example, low self-esteem.
What does the concept mean?
Of course, all assessments of human actions, character traits, and behavior patterns are subjective. What is a virtue for one may be considered a sign of depravity by another. There is no truth in such an assessment, regardless of what parameters one judges by.
As a rule, people make the verdict “I am a bad person” based on generally accepted ideas about good and evil, traditional for a particular society. For example, is cannibalism bad? Absolutely yes. This is exactly how any person who grew up, for example, in a country with a Christian culture, will answer. That is, developing this analogy, it can be argued that a cannibal is a bad person. However, if the same question is asked to an aborigine of Australia or Polynesia, “savages” from the African or South American jungles, the answer will be the word “no”. In many cultures, eating a killed enemy is a sign of reverence and respect for him. That is, there cannibalism is a property of a good person.
Similar to this example, you can consider absolutely any character trait. Even hypocrisy and the habit of lying are not bad qualities in every culture.
Is it possible to define the concept
Despite the fact that the concept of a “bad person” is very vague, it is quite possible to give it a clear and unambiguous definition. This is a psychological paradox. Moreover, this definition will be equally significant for any society, regardless of what value system is traditional in it.
A bad person is one who does not follow the norms accepted in society, does not share the value system and violates laws, rules and traditions.
As a rule, people who do not conform to the norms accepted in society by their character traits, actions and behavior cause a lot of trouble to their loved ones, causing them to experience mental suffering and feel shame.
An example of this can be a completely banal situation that often happens to people who have been married for many years. One partner begins to cheat on the other. The one who is faithful feels like a victim, experiences mental pain, and sometimes guilt.
What actions does such an individual perform?
If someone declares: “I am a bad person. What should I do?”, before giving advice, you need to find out what exactly is being discussed. What manifestations can we talk about in this case?
For example, from a conventional point of view, a bad person does the following:
- beats the weak, including family members and children;
- rapes, both physically and mentally;
- mocks those who cannot answer him in kind;
- does not fulfill its obligations;
- violates the laws of society;
- rowdy, hooligan, interferes with the lives of others.
The list can be continued. However, the listed actions make it possible to understand what is meant by the concept of “bad” by most people.
What emotional traits correspond to this concept?
Quite often, people utter the phrase “It seems to me that I am a bad person” not because they commit any unacceptable actions, but because of the presence of certain emotions, temperamental characteristics, and characteristics of thinking.
As a rule, many begin to consider themselves bad, noticing the following traits:
- anger;
- envy;
- anger;
- arrogance;
- the desire to seem like someone else.
Again, the list of character traits and emotions experienced by a person can be continued. However, this very short list is quite enough to understand what feelings we are talking about.
People often feel vicious, “dirty,” and disgusting. As a rule, this is not an objective assessment, but indicates the presence of deep psychological problems.
Am I becoming a bad person or have I always been this way?
Over there, my friend Vaska asks me to tell my wife that we were fishing together. A friend! How not to help? But she is his legal wife, and Vaska should not hide strange trips to God knows where under the guise of fishing. How can you ask me to lie? Because in this case I become a bad person. And betraying a friend is also not good.
The worst thing is that those around me obviously think that I am a very bad person. After all, if my friend Vaska had not considered me capable of lying, he would never have asked me for such “help.” And I feel sorry for Vaska, he keeps telling me how touchy his wife is and how she doesn’t want to understand him.
And I also feel sorry for my wife Vaskina - she is a very decent woman. There is no way to deceive her. It turns out that in any case I will turn out to be a bad person.
Can a good person turn out to be bad?
There is nothing in nature that has only a creative or, conversely, destructive principle. As a rule, every phenomenon has both good and bad sides. The same is true for people.
What it means to be a good person or, conversely, a bad person is not only abstract, but is often dictated by circumstances. The same people often exhibit completely different personality traits when faced with a specific situation or when communicating with someone.
This means that a good person can “fly off the rails”, lose his temper in the presence of some provoking factor or when under the influence. The influence of bad company, which parents so often talk about when trying to explain the behavior and actions of their teenage children, is the most striking example of what can turn a good person into a bad one. A stressful situation, a natural disaster and much more pushes people to actions that they do not expect from themselves, let alone others.
The difference between a truly good person and a bad one in this context will be that the former realizes the wrongness of his actions, emotions, and actions. He repents and tries to change, correct what he did or prevent it from happening again.
Strange creature man! The period of “getting on your feet” has passed. There is enough money. The everyday difficulties are over. There is a family and children. Sex is okay too. So, it would seem, live and be happy. But no, many people, having reached this plateau, experience some kind of vague anxiety and become irritable. They create conflicts out of nowhere and begin to destroy what was created with such difficulty. It seems that they are looking for an answer to a question that they cannot formulate.
If you recognize yourself or someone close to you in this description, then this article is for you. I will express my point of view about the possible causes of this phenomenon and give the simplest recommendations on how to survive it more easily.
To begin with, I will give a general answer to the question: “Why do I feel bad when everything is good?” If you experience psychological or even physical discomfort “out of nowhere,” it means that your unconscious is pointing you to something important, to some resource that you can use to improve your quality of life. But this is too general, so let's move on to specifics.
The anesthesia is over
Every person is endowed with an amazing gift. He knows how to create illusions. This is a very important ability. It allows you to go through difficult times, as if under anesthesia.
Sometimes it just seems to us that “everything is fine.” We create unique “Potemkin villages” from our reality. The subtle veil of illusion hides the shortcomings and roughness that prevent us from living. As long as you are not prepared to face these “hidden threats,” the illusions are quite strong.
But everything flows, everything changes. Over time, you become stronger and gain experience. There comes a moment when you are able to cope with those problems that you hid from yourself behind the illusion of well-being.
The first sign that you are strong enough to take off your rose-colored glasses will be unreasonable discomfort. Please don't try to get rid of it. Better sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and express this vague concern in writing. Make it more specific.
Perhaps you yourself will gently bring yourself out of anesthesia with the help of this practice. Or maybe it will help you prepare for the inevitable collapse of illusions. Then you will get through this painful moment easier.
Someone else's fairy tale
“Everyone tells me that I’m too greedy, that I’m living like in a fairy tale, but I’m also unhappy! But I can’t do that! I feel bad!" — one client told me with resentment and pain during a consultation. In the process of working together, she and I found out that she gave up a lot in order to gain material well-being and start a family with this man. “I fell for the popular fairy tale about a beautiful life, but it turns out that this is not my fairy tale,” she said.
It is possible that you, like this woman, succumbed to the influence of social stereotypes, but in fact you dreamed of something else. If this is so, then remember “your fairy tale” and compare it with the story in which you now live.
Determine how far you have gone from your dreams in the pursuit of well-being. And then look for ways to bring elements of your dream into your current situation while maintaining everything you have achieved. Yes, this will require a lot of flexibility and creativity from you, but it is quite possible.
Habit of fighting
Our parents prepared many of us for life as a struggle for survival. Indeed, you have to fight to create a comfortable and prosperous life. When the required level of psychological comfort and material well-being is achieved, there is no one to fight with... But some people continue to fight out of inertia. They just don't know how to stop.
Then you need to get to know your “inner warrior” and find safe use for it. Perhaps it will be sports or some new ambitious projects in the profession. Otherwise, the energy of the “inner warrior” will splash out spontaneously and destroy well-being, only to then fight for it again.
It's time to go further and higher
Achieving well-being can be considered as an obligatory stage of personal growth. When money and relationship needs are met, a lot of energy is released. She will look for a way out and create constant discomfort.
Perhaps she is trying to communicate that it is time to take care of non-material needs. Look for an opportunity to develop further, to realize yourself, to become deeper, wiser. Then various self-improvement techniques will help you. Choose the one you like best and start practicing it. If it grabs you, it means you have found a use for free energy. If not, keep looking.
You may have felt that the recommendations in this article are too general. This is true. The fact is that each case is individual - there are no universal methods.
If you want more specifics, consult a psychologist. Then you can find your own, unique way of gaining resources hidden behind discomfort. To begin with, you can use generalized ways to understand this situation.
From the editor
To consider the true reason why everything is fine in life, but you experience anxiety and discomfort, you need to listen carefully to yourself. For example, using the “inner observer” technique. Psychologist Ilya Shabshin : .
The reason for the depressed mood, despite the “white streak” in life, may well be the constant fatigue familiar to many modern people. About this is the book of the American doctor, expert on chronic fatigue syndrome Jacob Teitelbaum, “Forever Tired” :.
If life is not a joy for you, try to start... laughing! The benefits of laughter therapy have been scientifically proven. At the same time, you can laugh not only sincerely, but also feignedly - such laughter also has a therapeutic effect. Read about the healing power of laughter in the article by psychologist and physiologist Sofia Shevyakova :.
It makes sense to resort to art therapy. There are a huge number of different types of it. An article by clinical psychologist and art therapy specialist Zhanna Safiullina :.
What kind of a good person is he?
What does it mean to be a good person? It is quite difficult even for scientists to answer this question unambiguously. This concept is as vague as the idea of negative qualities. And just as in identifying bad properties, public opinion and moral and ethical standards accepted in society play a key role in identifying good ones.
A good person fully corresponds to them. And absolutely sincerely, from the inside. This means that people with positive qualities do more than just know the difference between good and evil. For example, such people do not pretend to sympathize with others because this is accepted in society. They do something at the behest of their soul, because for good people, good feelings and actions are natural.
Psychologist on how to overcome the idea that you are a loser
WHAT TO DO WITH THEM?
– Some attitudes make our life easier, but most, on the contrary, complicate it. All installations can be worked with, and we have the strength and capabilities to do this.
There is no magic pill for negative attitudes; it requires discipline, responsibility and regularity. The first stage is identifying and tracking negative attitudes. Starting to notice them is the first step towards change. This is quite difficult to do on your own. It’s easier if the attitude was formed quite recently, but if it was a “gift” or “inheritance” from family or society, then difficulties may arise.
You need to test the strength of a negative attitude : what will happen in your life if you get rid of it? Why did you need it? After all, it often happens that a secondary benefit is hidden behind the attitude: for example, meeting the expectations of society and parents. To change such an attitude means not meeting the expectations of society, betraying parents, experiencing guilt, fear, and anger. It often happens that it is easier for us to suffer and complain than to solve a problem. It's easier to come up with a bunch of excuses for why we didn't do something than to explain why we don't want to do something. It is important to understand what need our negative attitudes satisfied and how to satisfy this need without resorting to them. We need to think about what we will replace the removed installation with so that there is no emptiness left.
Then you can begin to reformulate the negative attitude into a positive one . You need to formulate a rational alternative belief and try to follow it in reality.
For example, when setting to catastrophizing, you need to replace an extremely negative assessment of the situation with one closer to reality. Answer yourself the questions: “What is the worst that can happen?”, “What will I do if this happens?”, “What will be the consequences?” Or, when establishing a must, remember how often people behave the way you intended, and replace the words “must”, “must”, “should” with the words “want”, “would like”. Or, with an evaluative attitude, try to evaluate not individual traits and actions of people, but the personality as a whole.
The process will take some time, but the more you try, the more you will succeed. It is important to reformulate negative attitudes into action. For example, “every time I become more and more beautiful.” The wording “every time” speaks of the application of your efforts and your activity. We need to act, and act differently than before. After all, by formulating a positive attitude, we thus take responsibility and begin to act in accordance with these changes. Yes, this may cause fear and resistance, but this is normal, because you are breaking the rules you have set for yourself. Don’t take on all the negative attitudes at once, work with one or two. Try, challenge your automatic thoughts, record results and changes. If something doesn't work out, don't be afraid to ask for help.
How to figure out whether a person is bad or not?
Often people who are worried that they are not good say: “They say that I am a bad person.” That is, it is not they themselves who feel like this, but it is instilled in them by the people around them. There is a theory that if you repeat the same thing to someone daily and repeatedly, the person will believe it.
Accordingly, there are two options for why people consider themselves not particularly good:
- others think so;
- the person himself comes to this conclusion.
Not everyone is able to independently detach themselves from their own “I” and look from the outside. Objectively evaluate your qualities, emotions, way of thinking, actions. Even practicing psychologists cannot always understand whether a person is bad or not.
However, you can try. There is no point in self-searching, since one thought inevitably leads to another, and this process becomes endless. It makes sense to try to write down all those qualities, actions, actions that are a reason to think about the bad essence of a person. Of course, exactly the same thing needs to be done for inverse properties.
Then you just need to compare the graphs. If it turns out that the column with good qualities and actions turns out to be longer than the list of bad ones, it means that in this particular period of time it is this side of human nature that takes over.
Don't be afraid of doctors!
What exactly should you do if you notice symptoms? First of all, don’t panic, and secondly, each mental disorder has its own set of criteria, and the most important criterion of them is duration. If you feel bad for two or three days in a row, this is generally a normal fluctuation. For depression, the starting time is two weeks. If a person does not get out of depression for more than two weeks, this is already a reason to talk not about a situational decline in mood, but about clinical depression. And think about how to seek professional help.
Actually, what to do? Going to a psychiatrist, even if you later use the services of a psychologist or psychotherapist, is worth starting with. Because this is the only category of specialists who can make a diagnosis.
A psychologist without medical education cannot make a diagnosis. And this is an important point. There is no need to be afraid of registration - this is a myth, no one will tell employers anything, there is simply no centralized registration of patients who have contacted such a doctor, so that then “big brother” will follow you for the rest of your life.
Naturally, any medical institution where you come for services will include you in its database, simply because the specialist needs to know your medical history the next time you come there.
If you are afraid of “leaks of medical information”, then you don’t need to worry about this either; no hackers will find out about your diagnosis simply because our doctors, in the old fashioned way, write most of the documents on pieces of paper, by hand, in a completely analogue way. So you can forget about cyberparanoia for now, there are no digital medical databases in Russia yet, fortunately, we are not that civilized. And this is the case when technical backwardness plays into one’s hands in a sense.
You may be temporarily deprived of access to certain types of activities, such as driving a car, working with money, working with children, and working with some kind of increased responsibility. But this happens infrequently, and, as a rule, such suspensions are temporary. Besides, if you're hallucinating, you probably shouldn't actually be driving. All such prohibitions are not due to the desire to somehow suppress or punish you, but to some practical considerations.
If you don't like government institutions, you can turn to private psychiatrists. In addition, if you already know your diagnosis, it would be good to keep a specialist’s phone number and a strategic supply of suitable wheels on hand. For example, this is what I do.
How to become a good person?
Often people who consider themselves bad are not bad, but experience problems of a psychological nature, namely, they belittle themselves. How to increase self-esteem and self-confidence is almost the same as becoming a good person. But there is no recipe, no list of actions that could turn evil into good.
This does not mean that you cannot cultivate good qualities in yourself. The process of changing yourself begins with the question “How do I understand that I am a bad person?” Anyone who thought about this took the first step towards re-evaluating their emotions, feelings, and actions.
Most psychologists and clergy believe that in order to stop being bad, you should simply constantly do only good deeds and control yourself.
Psychologists and psychological assistance
Hello! I am 21 years old. It’s hard to realize this, but I seem to myself to be a bad person - and the worst thing is that I can’t tell anyone about this, because my loved ones will start convincing me. I realized this after I almost cheated on my good friend with her boyfriend on New Year's Eve. There was no eroticism in the situation, but without a twinge of conscience I went to bed with him so as not to feel so lonely. When I did this, I didn't even realize how bad I was doing. My friend found out about everything, and now I can’t find a place for myself. The bad thing is that I can’t adequately apologize to her when I’m with her, I don’t care, and when I’m alone, I start crying. My friends, with whom I have been friends for 10 years, annoy me. I realize that I love them, but I can’t express it and I’m irritated all the time. It seems to me that I don't know how to love. I never had normal relationships with guys, I dated scumbags who fueled my interest with indifference, but there was no love. I am angry at everyone all the time, I carefully hide it, but inside I am irritated by everything, every movement of my loved ones. Inside myself, I always notice their misdeeds and shortcomings, and I oppress them for it. I like to tease people, make evil jokes about their mistakes, I don’t know how to support them in a difficult situation. I think my friends piss me off even more because they start to realize who is around them. After a couple of things like that, they see who I really am and it annoys me. I am very selfish, in any situation I think only about myself, how to benefit from circumstances, I want to communicate only with people who can benefit me. I can’t fully open up to people, I didn’t understand why before, but now I clearly see that I have nothing good inside, I have nothing to give to people - no love, no compassion, just indifference. It seems that soon everyone around will understand what I am, and I will be left alone. I haven’t had a boyfriend for 2 years, because I can’t let anyone close to me, and I know that I can’t give a person anything. I’m afraid of a repetition of the situation - they will love me, but I will be cold, mock the person, manipulate him and hate myself more and more because of this behavior. I had never been able to understand before why I couldn’t love myself and accept myself with all my shortcomings, but now it’s clearly obvious that I’m a bad person, and no one would ever love someone like that. And this happens with everything, I feel very bad about it. Help! I don't know what to do or who to contact about this.
How to increase self-esteem?
Low self-esteem does not arise out of the blue; you are not born with it. This is always a consequence of the influence of other people, their reactions to failures, actions or emotions of a person.
How to increase self-esteem and self-confidence are extremely important questions. Depreciation of one's own personality, capabilities, skills, lack of faith in the likelihood of achieving results in anything are problems that prevent people from living fully. For example, a feeling of self-doubt often becomes the reason that a person does not even try to do anything.
It is very difficult to fight this, especially if there is no one nearby who would say: “Come on, go ahead, everything will work out, I believe in you.” Therefore, you need to say such phrases yourself, tuning into the beginning of the day. And of course, do not be afraid of difficulties, but try to do something. Over time, the attitude of others will change. A person will definitely notice approval from others. This will mean that problems with low self-esteem have been resolved.
Words vs pills
The most common pharmacological drugs improve this exchange of neurotransmitters in the brain, especially if we talk about antidepressants, mood stabilizers, “trunks” and the like.
Pills are not needed to replace a personality; after drinking them, you will not become a different person, this is a story about fixing what was broken.
The most advanced antidepressants are called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, and sometimes norepinephrine and dopamine. They affect different people a little differently. For example, both I and my co-author Anton have clinical depression, but my depression is more in the direction of apathy, and his depression is more in the direction of anxiety. He is helped by a medicine that affects serotonin more; I was helped by a medicine that also affects dopamine and norepinephrine.
Accordingly, if you go to a specialist, it may take some time to find a personalized cocktail of medications or one medication that is right for you. I changed four patterns until I found mine.
In addition to pills, there is another remedy - psychotherapy. From the point of view of evidence-based medicine, some types of psychotherapy work no worse than antidepressants, primarily cognitive therapy, especially in the case of anxiety disorders.
Here it is worth understanding that this is not a story about someone taking you from point A to point B, but about the fact that you yourself, under the supervision of a specialist, will make your way from point A to point B. And not immediately, but in short periods. then in dashes. So slow. The main thing is to make these progressive movements.
Why cognitive therapy? The well-known psychoanalysis is a wonderful thing, it is very good for introspection. But it’s not very good when you have panic attacks and you need to solve the problem now. The cognitive-behavioral method is about learning to change your behavior in real life.
