What is forgiveness?
The ability to forgive is one of the main qualities of true friends and simply wise people. First, it's worth understanding what this means. The point is not to tell the offender that he is forgiven. In this case, responsibility will be removed from him, and you will never get rid of the resentment that oppresses you. It is important to let go of negative thoughts by protecting yourself from negativity.
To begin with, it is worth understanding that what happened is the past, which cannot be changed or erased. Thus, you need to try to change your attitude towards him. You must accept the fact that hatred and revenge are primarily destructive to you. In addition, accomplished revenge sometimes brings not satisfaction, but remorse.
Forgiving a friend does not mean forgetting about his ugly act. This means stopping to think about it, concentrating. To forgive means to put yourself in the shoes of the offender and try to unravel his motivation, which will become a reason for showing compassion. Even if you consider the action unacceptable, forgiveness will help maintain warm human relationships.
Are there times when you don't need to forgive?
No, such moments cannot happen. If we do not let go of the offense to a person, we will not be able to calmly breathe, feel freedom from the pain that was inflicted on us. There are moments that you cannot forget about until the end of your days. Nobody is asking for this. We are not computers from whose memory we can erase everything and create a blank slate. And the pain that we carry in our souls is a stone that pulls a person down, not up. It only seems to us that it is imperceptible, but at the subconscious level we suffer, albeit invisibly.
All this is good, but what to do if something holds you and does not allow you to let go of the offender? How to learn to forgive, and is it possible? Yes, and those who acquire this skill will never face the problem of forgiveness again.
Unforgiveness is stress
By not forgiving, you keep negativity inside: hostility, resentment, anger, hatred.
Feelings of resentment and disappointment are a huge burden on the body, says Johns Hopkins Hospital psychiatrist Karen Schwartz.
No one is obliged to forgive, but it is important to understand that negative emotions affect not only your mood, but also your physical and mental health. Remembering the offender, you experience stress, blood pressure rises, and pulse accelerates.
From a neurobiological perspective, forgiveness is a successful coping strategy under stress that works for three reasons. Firstly, it directly neutralizes the negative impact of resentment: reduces the stress reaction, normalizes blood pressure and heart function, and reduces cortisol levels. Secondly, it indirectly helps to change the external emotional background, for example, relationships in a team, for the better. Thirdly, it changes the internal state, generating positive emotions.
Option 1
(565 words) There are many cruel, inhuman and immoral incidents happening around us that make us withdraw into ourselves and hate the whole world. If we didn't know how to forgive, life would be unbearable. A person must let go of resentment and return to a peaceful mood, otherwise he will become disappointed in everything that surrounds him, or will lead those around him to a nervous breakdown. Russian classics are rich in examples confirming these statements.
So, if Katerina’s family from the drama by A.N. Ostrovsky's "Thunderstorm" was able to forgive her for adultery, then perhaps she would not have committed suicide at the end of the book. From the friendly and free atmosphere of her home, the heroine ended up in Kabanikha’s house, where tyranny and tyranny bloomed in full bloom. Marfa Ignatievna did not accept her daughter-in-law: she showered her with reproaches and complaints, was rude to her and believed that only fear regulates life among loved ones. Tikhon did not stand up for his wife, because he himself was afraid of his mother. As we learn from the final appearances, outside Kalinov he found entertainment on the side and often drank. But the young woman yearned for love and affection with all her heart. She found all this only outside the house - in the arms of Boris, the nephew of the merchant Dikiy. However, thoughts about the sinfulness of this connection haunted the heroine day and night. She decided to admit what she had done and no longer hide her love. Of course, Katerina hoped that she would run away from Kalinov with Boris, that she would legitimize her relationship with him, but the young man chickened out and chose the inheritance from his uncle rather than his chosen one. This disappointment in feelings was, however, not Katerina’s biggest problem. At home she was beaten, insulted, and humiliated for treason. Even the deceived husband felt sorry for his wife - she looked so pitiful. However, this did not stop him from beating his wife and continuing to endure his mother’s despotism. The boar threatened the girl and harassed her in every possible way. As a result, Katerina completely despaired of finding happiness in life and drowned herself. If the mother-in-law and husband had found the strength to forgive the heroine, this tragedy could have been avoided. Their anger and intolerance were the last straw that broke Katerina’s patience.
Forgiveness is needed not only by the one who has sinned, but also to a greater extent by the one who is offended. This is proven by an example from the epic novel by L.N. Tolstoy "War and Peace". Andrei Bolkonsky was engaged to Natasha Rostova, but at his father’s request he went abroad to delay the wedding a little. During his absence, Anatol Kuragin began to court the young lady, who wanted to seduce the girl. She fell in love with him and agreed to escape, not knowing about the young man’s meanness. The plan failed, but the world learned about Rostova’s action. Moreover, even earlier she herself broke off the engagement. Bolkonsky found out about this and was very offended by the bride and her gentleman. He swore to himself to take revenge on Anatole, and returned all the letters to Natasha and, with emphasized contempt, refused to meet with her and Pierre’s offer to forgive her. Prince Andrei was greatly tormented by his own insult. Negative feelings and thoughts made him a stern, withdrawn person, disappointed in love. Even during the war, he dreamed of a duel with Kuragin. But in the hospital he saw the crippled Anatole and forgave him, and then fate brought him together with Natasha, and Andrei removed the stone of hatred from his soul, forgiving her too. He died happy, surrounded by love and understanding.
Forgiveness gives people the opportunity to trust others again and regain their positive mood. It also helps us save marriages and families. Without it, a person dooms himself to the burden of hatred and anger, and his loved ones to an aggravated sense of guilt, which can drive a weak person to complete despair. In this way, forgiveness is the glue with which we restore broken works of art: love, friendship, family.
Positive motivation
In friendship, the ability to forgive is very important. The arguments in favor of this statement are as follows:
- having freed yourself from grievances, you will become an independent and invulnerable person;
- you will be able to recharge yourself with positive energy, conveying a joyful mood to others;
- It will be easier for you to communicate with current friends and build relationships with new ones;
- the veil that previously prevented you from adequately assessing the situation and people will fall from your eyes;
- you will learn to benefit from communication with friends, ignoring negative messages;
- you will be interesting to others, because people are always drawn to the strong, wise and independent;
- you will get a chance to become a successful person, because negative thoughts will no longer weigh you down and pull you down.
Benefits of Forgiveness
Answering the question why forgive offenses at all, it should be noted that any forgiveness has a positive effect on your health. Now there is quite a lot of research on this topic. Previously, this only affected religious issues. Currently, as an academic discipline, it is of interest to philosophers, theologians, psychologists and doctors.
Forgiveness changes a person greatly, both intellectually and emotionally, as well as physically. Scientific research has shown that forgiveness training reduces depression and anger and increases optimism. These are just a few of the positive effects of forgiveness. People who forgive others have fewer physical and mental health problems. They tolerate stress much better.
Fixation on anger and resentment, as well as living in stress, destroys the soul and heart. Research shows that a lack of forgiveness may be a risk factor for developing various diseases. Lack of forgiveness can lead to anxiety, depression and insomnia. Sincere forgiveness of the offender can maintain health at the proper level.
Interconnection of people
It turned out that lonely and withdrawn people have a three times higher risk of death than sociable people. This study was conducted on more than 7,000 people. And this fact of the importance of socialization cannot be overshadowed even by an unhealthy lifestyle (smoking, obesity, lack of physical activity). The more social activity, the longer a person lives.
Loneliness is a greater risk factor for the disease than smoking. We are closely connected to each other and need communication. This is the result of evolution, and our survival today depends on it. We will pay for our lack of compassion and the ability to forgive in the future. And this applies to all humanity. We are designed to be in a complex network of relationships and influences.
What offenses are most difficult to forgive?
- The strongest grievances
, as a rule, are always more difficult to forgive against your family and friends, this mainly concerns husbands or wives.
- But it all always starts with our parents.
They are usually presented with complaints that they were little loved, poorly cared for, criticized, poorly supported, not loved, did not believe in our strengths, and so on. - The child places so many expectations
on the shoulders of his parents that they, as a rule, are not able to cope with this large burden. - It is only later, already growing up, that we begin to understand
that our parents loved us as best they could and knew how, but for some reason the grievances continue to remain in our hearts one way or another. And gradually they begin to take root firmly in us. - After this, we begin to project
this onto our partners. - Usually, we begin to expect everything that we so wanted and could not get from our parents from our
partners, and therefore we experience strong resentment and dissatisfaction towards them. - But we should not forget that we ourselves choose our parents
long before we are born, and they fully comply with all our requirements, which were once concluded on subtle planes. - And it is parents who are the catalyst for the changes
that occur in us. And in the most powerful grievances in life, hidden, in fact, are very important realizations and our very main tasks. - If we failed to learn this with our parents
, then we, accordingly, transfer this to our husbands and wives. - You should take a closer look at the series of life actions
and, starting from a very early age, you can find the very reason for which you, in fact, had to come here to this earth.
What to do if you are offended
First of all, you don’t need to cherish and nurse your offense. On the contrary, you need to abstract yourself from it and stop constantly scrolling through it. Some are so carried away by their offended situation that they are ready to tell everyone they meet about it. It feels like they have got a flag in their hands, which they proudly carry in front of them and let everyone know “I was offended!”
It is important to start with your subconscious; if you fail to forgive a person, then the resentment will eat away from the inside like rust and cause damage to the psyche. Even worse, it will burst out and you will not be able to contain your emotions.
First of all, this feeling is part of our egoism. This is a negative type of emotion that does not carry anything useful for a person. Rather, on the contrary - because of resentment, we break ties, do not tell the truth, and the effect of understatement and mistrust arises. Resentment can plunge a person into depression and suffering; it literally takes away our health, strength, energy and prevents us from communicating with those who are dear to us. The culprit is self-centered behavior, at the forefront of which our pride rises royally - one of the most terrible sins of humanity, because of which all other sins arise.
Experts in human psychology are confident that resentment is a disease that needs to be treated. If you start the process, serious mental problems will arise. A touchy person is nothing compared to someone who believes that everyone is just waiting to hurt him, wants to insult him, humiliate him. That is, this state can be compared to paranoia, towards which he is moving with the right steps. But in fact, a person suffers because of a non-existent phenomenon that he invented in his fantasy.
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Each individual case must be examined in detail. A full analysis of what happened and why is required. You need to understand that words or actions are not always done in order to cause pain. Sometimes this is a completely fair, valuable remark.
Life story:
Marina and Katya have been best friends since 6th grade. The first was free, relaxed, the second was more modest, shy. But both were pretty, smart girls. It so happened that after graduation their paths diverged for some time. Katya got married and moved to another city. A child was born there, but family life did not work out for a long time, and now, 7 years later, tired of the tyranny of her drug-addicted husband, Ekaterina returned to her hometown.
And Marina was still alone. She graduated from medical school and began working at a local clinic. Upon returning, Katya, of course, wanted to meet her friend and spend time with her. The parents without a word let their daughter have fun - she still has the right to rest at least a little. Leaving her beloved son with his grandparents, she went to a nearby bar with a friend. Another one joined them, her name was Masha. She was a couple of years younger than them and became friends with Marina while Katyusha lived in another city.
So, in the middle of the evening, the girls sat and had a nice conversation. And as usually happens, a man approached their table and offered his company. Katya immediately snapped and made it clear that he had messed up something. He needs to sit down with others who are not against the development of events (you understand). The other two girlfriends were simply silent.
Forgive yourself
You probably hold resentment for actions that embarrassed or upset you once. However, everyone has the right to make mistakes. And you included. Therefore, forgive not only others, but also yourself. We all sometimes take someone's actions as an insult. And we ourselves often offend others without noticing it. In the end, all that remains is to admit that each of us has flaws, but not everyone is ready to accept their presence.
Letting a person go forever
In order to be able to forgive and let go of a person forever, you have to understand that nothing happens in the Universe just like that, among other things, the actions of some other people that cause in us a strong feeling of resentment, some kind of injustice, as well as other difficult emotions.
We get all this as a result of our past actions.
and now these are only certain fruits of karma, so to speak, the return of our own actions to us, that is, what a person emits is what he, accordingly, receives.
It becomes very easy for us to forgive
then, if we see that our offender, who did something bad towards us, in fact only returned a debt to us, namely, what we ourselves once did in relation to someone, to some other people .
And by understanding this relationship, we can forgive people easily
, without even applying any specific practices, since the problem will simply disappear completely on its own.
When we try to forgive a person who has somehow let us down, perhaps committed treason, deceived or betrayed us, we completely free ourselves from negative connections.
with his personality.
Letting go of a person does not at all mean letting him go; it rather means that it is letting go of the grievances within ourselves, as well as all the negative things that have accumulated in us.
