Often during the first meeting with a person who has asked for psychological support, I hear complaints about weakness, laziness, depression, lack of vitality, and the fact that there is no joy in life. People explain dissatisfaction with life by uninteresting work, age, health, weather, actions of a particular person, etc. People tend to distort cause-and-effect relationships and look for the cause of dissatisfaction with their own lives in the outside world. In fact, the reason is inside. And the external world and the events of our life are a reflection of our internal state.
Since childhood, our thinking has been split into two parts: black and white, bad and good, heaven and earth, it is possible and it is impossible, heaven and hell. A small child does not yet have such polarities; he is holistic, undivided. But gradually society accustoms us to duality and ambivalence. And we no longer become whole, and life energy begins to flow through this gap.
Where does life energy go?
- to hold a closed door with the words “I can’t”, “I can’t”, “I can’t do it” (instead of opening up to myself);
- to be at enmity with parts of oneself (instead of accepting parts of oneself);
- tossing from one part of oneself to another (instead of restoring the integrity of oneself);
- to implement other people's plans (instead of living your own life).
Let's talk about how to restore integrity. The outside world (parents, teachers at school, friends, strangers) has “nailed” a person to a certain place in its system, telling you how little you can do, that everything pleasant is indecent, that wanting a lot is bad, that the world is cruel and unfair. As a result, everything you wanted and dreamed about (once, when you were still whole) turned out to be hidden inside you, locked up along with the energy necessary to realize your desires. A certain internal code has been formed in you, a set of rules by which you live, often perceiving this as your own belief system. In search of lost integrity, people often go in search of a “soulmate.” You can read what comes of this in my article “Nobody Loves Me.” What kind of people do we need in society? Quiet, calm, obedient, hard-working. A huge number of people live their whole lives according to this code, monotonously, without joy, without taste, without pleasure, believing that this is their own life. Everyone has plans for your life: parents, children, relatives, society, the state, a clothing store and a supermarket. Everyone wants something from you: for you to do well in school, graduate from college, get married, vote for the president, buy new clothes all the time, get your nails done, eat food from this or that brand, earn money for your child’s education, and then for a car, etc. You want to live a joyful, calm, fulfilling life, have a good income, a family, develop spiritually, do what you like. And they want you to work at a low-paid job, keep a low profile and fulfill other people’s desires. In life, only one plan can be realized - either your own or someone else’s plan. Most people are engaged in fulfilling other people's desires and realizing other people's plans. Where does joy come from here? It is impossible to realize your plan and your desires until you have your own integrity. And to restore our own integrity, and to take care of ourselves in general, will be hampered by the feeling of guilt and shame, which are so skillfully imposed on us, programmed into the personality. This is such a vicious circle. Many people say: “I don’t feel any guilt.” The tendency to take care of other people's tasks and not take care of your own is a consequence of feelings of guilt. If you often help others instead of solving your own problems, if you often get bullied, then you have a strong feeling of guilt. A person will unconsciously block his own desires, those very “his tasks,” because if he takes them on, he will unconsciously experience a feeling of guilt. The world gives you energy for YOUR tasks. And you can use this energy if you are free from guilt. Then joy and contentment returns to life.
“I don’t feel joy in life. What to do?" First edition
“I don’t feel joy in life. What to do?" - this question is often heard in the psychologist’s office. How to build your life to be happy? Why does joy leave life and how to get it back? We asked professional psychologists about this.
Shabshin Ilya Iosifovich
Individual and family counseling, working with adults
One of my former clients, a 25-year-old programmer, learned two foreign languages, independently mastered playing the guitar, his photographs collected hundreds of “likes” and so on - but he did not enjoy life because he considered himself poor and inferior due to the fact that he did not have close relationships (“but he should”). This is how his belief system was structured, that everything wonderful was devalued to zero, and non-compliance with the stereotype “like everyone else” in one parameter was elevated to an absolute. It is clear that neither this multi-talented man himself was “poor”, nor his life was “worthless”; The problem was created by the way he once chose to relate to himself (learned from his father).
We often forget that, with the exception of disturbances in the biochemistry of the brain, our judgments about life in general, our assessments of specific situations and events are not at all self-evident and objective, but are the product of our beliefs, attitudes, preferences, experience, characterological characteristics, etc. .d. It is in this psychological reality that we need to look for the reasons for the lack of joy.
Although any client comes to a psychologist with the question “What to do?”, in order to do what is needed, it is necessary to correctly understand and accurately understand what is happening and why. Based on my consulting experience, I would first consider three such options: (1) the person stopped feeling joy in life after a certain event; (2) the feeling of joy in life faded away gradually; (3) life in general is joyless. Accordingly, working hypotheses would be a reaction to trauma or loss, a discrepancy between reality and existing expectations (demands) from oneself, loved ones, distant ones, life in general, as well as a life script (early childhood decision) prescribing to live in a state of sadness and/or anxiety in this imperfect world.
The good news is that any of these options can be used successfully. Less good is that change may require serious effort, quite a lot of work. But the goal - finding YOUR joy from life - is definitely worth it!
Safyan Nadezhda Vladimirovna
Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Gestalt Therapist
What can be done to actualize a joyful state?
- Realize what brings you joy. This is a very important step. All people are different, have different needs and desires, and enjoy different things. Some people are happy that they got enough sleep and spent time at home in peace and quiet, others are happy to meet friends and have a noisy party. You can make a personal list of 100 “little joys”, including different options, for example, “relaxing in nature,” “delicious dinner with a loved one,” “slide downhill,” “reading an interesting book,” “massage,” etc. .
- Realize what state I am in at the moment, what I want most right now. What do you want most now: a relaxed, secluded holiday, meeting with loved ones, new experiences, involvement in a new professional activity, or maybe physical activity? What needs of mine were in the shadows for a long time and were not fulfilled? Maybe now is the time to pay special attention to them.
- Select an activity that brings joy from your personal list in accordance with your current state. Joy will be most complete if it corresponds to your current state.
- Go to action. At this stage, you should organize your time and activities in such a way as to enjoy joy to the fullest. Try to eliminate all obstacles that interfere with pleasure. For example, you should not organize an evening of solitude with a loved one in a state of haste and lack of time.
- Enjoy the process and open up to joy to the fullest.
- Thank yourself for the journey you have made and for the joy you have experienced . And maybe you will want to please yourself more often, which in itself brings joy.
If this path seems difficult to implement, another option is possible - a deeper one. Maybe events happen in life and the state of sadness, irritation, despair has become so familiar that there is a feeling that joy simply has no place in your life.
In this case, you should figure out what causes sadness, irritation and despair - with what events and facts it is connected. Maybe it's time to look at life from the perspective of the Author of life, and explore what you want to change in your life to make room for joy. This is a longer path... from understanding what I want to change to real changes and a new sense of myself... on this path there are sadness, disappointment, resentment, and fears... however, when if you start moving along it, you can already be happy for yourself, for the fact that you found the strength to change your life and listen to yourself, because you have every opportunity to live your life exactly the way you want.
We are often pleased by those close to us and those around us, but it is also very important to understand that, first of all, we ourselves can please ourselves, and it is within us that we have everything inside us to live this life, opening up to joy, regardless of external circumstances and others. of people.
Pokrovskaya Svetlana Ivanovna
Psychologist, systemic psychotherapist, career consultant
The rhythm of life, a large flow of information, time pressure, high demands on professional level, versatility of activity, constant striving for achievements, power, availability of money, status, etc. lead a person to constant stress and, in extreme cases, to exhaustion of the body, depression. Increasingly, clients come to me for career consultations with a similar request - “no desire to work, no desire to act actively, no pleasure and joy, a feeling of powerlessness, no energy.” Seeking help from professionals - psychologists, coaches, psychotherapists - will certainly help you approach this issue systematically - find and work through the factors that interfere with you personally (the reasons can be very different), find hidden resources and build your interaction with life circumstances optimally and constructively in accordance with your goals.
What can you do yourself? How not to bring yourself to complete exhaustion or get out of such a state if this has already happened?
Try to establish a balance of work and rest, sleep, physical and mental activity.
It is important to maintain boundaries: about work at work, personal relationships and communication with friends separately, to allocate time during the day only for yourself (20-30 minutes of silence in a quiet place alone with yourself, in nature, in the park will allow you to feel better and be aware of your integrity and being in the world).
Active sports activities, breathing exercises, and the use of self-regulation methods (autogenic training, autohypnosis, muscle relaxation, body and breathing therapy, meditation, etc.) are useful.
It is important to have connections with other people, maintain relationships, receive emotional support, confidential discussion of issues related to stress at work can reduce tension, anxiety and other experiences.
An excellent resource and support is connection with nature, art, God, and turning to creativity in any form.
The “stop!” rule Self-control of your emotional state is a psychological “diet” of receiving negative information through all possible channels (media, personal environment), it is necessary to reassess judgments (beliefs), focus less on the negative aspects of events and actions of others, remain optimistic and positive.
Changes and changes help: change the type of activity, change the place of work, or find the strength to grow in your position.
Find new meanings in current activities, bring a creative perspective to the work being performed (this is possible in absolutely any profession).
Ameyalli (Oksanen) Ekaterina Olegovna
clinical (medical) psychologist, consulting psychologist, family psychologist
There are times when a very unpleasant feeling arises: everything seems to be the same, but it seems as if life has lost its meaning. Previously, there was something in work/family/hobbies, but now it’s as if all the colors have faded. At such moments, it’s as if the brain applies an emergency brake: you don’t want anything, your feelings are “frozen,” and all you think about is why you even need to get up in the morning, drag yourself somewhere and do something. Here is a man who lived for himself and did not bother anyone. He thought that happiness and harmony would come when, for example, he earned money and achieved a certain status. Or maybe he wanted family and friends. And he honestly strived for these goals: he received the right education, bought many necessary and unnecessary things, found a job, started a family and friends. And suddenly this outwardly successful person becomes despondent: it seems that all this is not right. Just yesterday it was “that”, and today what he has been striving for for so long is becoming unnecessary, boring and even annoying. The saddest thing is that it is very difficult to find someone who can understand and support. After all, from the outside everything seems to be fine. Even more than that: nothing in life has formally changed, there seems to be nothing to grieve about, and it is not possible to formulate an answer to the question “what happened.” Nothing happened. That's the problem. Something important, the most important, has left my life, but what it was is a mystery. Loss of meaning is an extremely difficult experience, a real grief. But for some reason it is not customary to talk about this. As I already wrote, grief is often considered only physical loss. That is, for society to give the “right” to worry, you need to lose something that is visible to the naked eye: a loved one, a job, a home, a family. And for our psyche, the loss of meaning is no easier to experience. A person who has lost meaning quickly falls into depression. His soul is captured by vague feelings of apathy, loss of interest in life, powerlessness and hopelessness. He becomes lethargic, weak, lacking initiative. During these periods, a person is extremely vulnerable in every sense of the word. The usual way of thinking and making decisions is disrupted, and during this period you can commit rash and impulsive actions, even causing harm to yourself or others. The loss of meaning traumatizes not only the psyche, but also the body: suddenly a person can get sick. Moreover, the disease most often occurs sharply and severely, and the nature of the disease can be very unusual. It turns out that the loss of meaning is an experience so severe that it strikes on all fronts at once. And somewhere in our souls we all know how scary it is. Needless to say, the absolutely natural reaction is to run as far as possible so as not to come into contact with questions of meaning. The only problem is that they will catch up. It is impossible to “shut up” a loss; you can “put it off” by temporarily occupying your soul with something else. But the loss will not go away. She will come out with renewed vigor, so much so that it won’t seem enough. Surely you have seen examples of people who managed to temporarily contain the intensity of their internal passions, plunging headlong into vigorous activity. Women often do this through family and children, men more often go to work. These people say: “I live for him/the children,” “at work I feel alive.” And it seems like everything is as it should be, but... it turns out that they equate the meaning of their entire life with one particular area. That is, they “bet” on one thing. What will happen if such a woman’s children grow up and become independent (or her partner leaves her), and a man at forty discovers that his achievements are not enough? It will break them. In half. Everything is logical: if you put an equal sign between the meaning of your own life and one idea, then this idea becomes the most valuable in the world. If suddenly the idea collapses, the person will no longer exist. It’s the instinct of self-preservation that forces you to make any sacrifices just to preserve it. And then we get women who suffer humiliation; mothers who do not allow their children to grow up and start their own families (or demand grandchildren); men who become drunkards or have affairs with young girls. All these are attempts to fill the inner emptiness. Sometimes - at the cost of other people's lives. But such horrors happen when, firstly, we “bet” on one thing and, secondly, we do not “let go” of one meaning in time in order to let another into our lives. That is, when in various ways we run away from this issue for too long, without communicating with ourselves. And the faster we run, the more it will cover. Because it accumulates. As they say, “no matter how much you compact the garbage, you still have to take it out.” And the longer you save, the harder it will be to drag. Therefore, sometimes you need to experience a meeting with yourself. Yes, it is very difficult to be in this. So difficult it's almost impossible. But if you are “there”, then please remember: - who said that the meaning should be in one thing? Maybe the desire to live lies in balance: something for the mind, something for the soul, something for the body. Well, or this way: for yourself, for friends, for family, for work. Inner emptiness becomes unbearable when these proportions are violated, when one sphere pulls the blanket over itself, forcing us to forget about the existence of others. — the feeling of meaningfulness, integrity and completeness of life is very individual and does not directly depend on external circumstances. Sometimes these feelings come when you sit within four walls, and sometimes on the top of a mountain. There are people whose inner fire is “fed” by achievements, and for some these very successes are a direct road to depression. That’s why it’s so difficult to help someone who has lost meaning: your recipe is unlikely to suit him, he has his own. — the meaning is floating, dynamic. He doesn't stay in one place for long. First, the desire to live appears from one thing, then moves on to another. If you suddenly stop feeling it, this does not mean that “everything is decay.” This is simply an indicator that the meaning is moving. And that's okay. That's how it should be. — you must first survive the loss, and only then will the process of searching for something new become possible. Terrible things happen if we try to immediately occupy ourselves with another meaning, without giving ourselves time to say goodbye to the previous one. When the colors have disappeared, these are precisely the moments when you need to delve into yourself. (By the way: when we think that we are afraid of loneliness, what often frightens us is not that there will be no one nearby, but that we will be left alone with ourselves. Then there will be nowhere to escape from questions of meaning...). - Depression distorts reality. And she does it so cleverly that it seems as if the world is just like that - gray, dull, meaningless, dangerous. But she's lying. And you can’t do impulsive things based on what she whispers.
The world around us is infinitely diverse, it all depends on how we see it, from what angle, for example, if a person has a negative attitude, he does not know how to see joy in elementary and seemingly ordinary little things, then accordingly the world will seem cruel and gray, but the world, meanwhile, is not bad and not good - it is different, and the problem of the absence or presence of joy in life, sorrows - is a question of our attitude, view (concentration), on certain manifestations ( sides), for example, a person turns on the TV, in the news feed, a number of events were covered, but from everything he pulled out not a positive story, but an episode about a train crash, as a result, negativity accumulates, which ultimately leads to an erroneous picture peace. By the way, such people are easy prey for various kinds of totalitarian sects, where a person is controlled by manipulating the concept of “joy of life,” depending on the concept of the teaching. So how can you learn this joy of life? Well, it’s obvious that changing the world is a romantic utopia; it’s better to start changing yourself. Firstly, change your surroundings (people who are pulled not up, but down, if there are any), change (perhaps not completely), the decor in your apartment (it is known that colors have an effect on mood, self-perception, a person, not least role, for example, Red is the most exciting, Yellow evokes sympathy and positive emotions, Green is calming.
Titova Maria Yurievna
Certified psychotherapist. Person-centered method. Languages: Russian, German, English. I work individually, with adults and children.
“I don’t feel any joy in life” is, unfortunately, a fairly common expression. What is behind these words? Each of the words in this phrase can reveal its own unexpected aspects.
Let's start with "not" - denial. I'm not doing something. Something that must be done. Why should it, to whom should it? There is already a feeling of dissatisfaction in this “not”, a feeling that something is wrong. Some kind of depreciation?
Next comes the word “experience.” Experience in this context is closer in meaning to the word “feel”. I say: I don’t experience it, which means I think I should experience it, but for some reason it doesn’t work out and it’s frustrating. Question: How do I know what I should experience? Have you tried it before, but now it doesn’t work? Then it’s worth stopping at the moment when you experienced it, remembering how it was, and thinking, feeling, what has changed? Or “you have to experience it,” but I don’t. Then the answer lies in the fact that there cannot be a “need” to experience. And, if the question arises like this, then it is interesting to concentrate on what I am experiencing. Carefully, slowly, take a closer look at your feelings. Feelings experienced in the present are the main key to all the mysteries of our Soul. Of course, it is better to take a closer look accompanied by a professional who will help open access to hidden and “repressed” feelings.
The word “joy”—what kind of joy are we talking about? About the delight of the sunrise or tits playing on a branch? Or the joy of good news, the joy of a gift? Or the joy that comes from within, from the very depths, when “the Soul trembles”? The answer to these questions is important; it allows you to understand in what plane the answer to the question “what to do” lies.
And finally, the word “life”. This is the most meaningful word in the entire expression. What do I mean in this word - “life”, what do I want from “life”, am I living my “life”, am I living a full “life”? Which of these questions resonates with me, what do I want to answer, what do I want to talk about? Everyone will have their own answers. And the feelings that are associated with these answers, associations, memories that unexpectedly emerge “to the surface of consciousness.” This is where the path to answering the question “What to do” begins.
Afanasyeva Olga Mikhailovna
Practical psychologist. Additional education: NLP, Ericksonian hypnosis.
There is no joy in life when there is no sex. No matter how banal and perhaps too straightforward it may sound. Or - there is sex, but with the wrong person, or with the wrong one, or with the wrong ones, not right... in general, there is something wrong with sex, and therefore it does not bring any pleasure or joy.
If there are quite relevant life tasks, goals, the achievement of which also requires an erotic impulse, then some discrepancies literally - in terms of sex - can be smoothed out and even lose relevance altogether. Because they will fade into the background, become not very significant, etc.
But if there are literally big inconsistencies with both sex and life’s tasks, then it’s really bad. This is the main reason for the loss of joy in life.
In any case, the answer to the question: “What to do?” - look for both the cause and the solution in the named areas. It is most likely that the source of the problem is the loss of joy in life, precisely in these areas.
What can you do to ensure that your joy of life, contentment with life and vitality return?
Our brain functions in very interesting ways. His main task is to leave everything as it is. If nothing threatens survival, then he will not budge. And if there is a threat to life, he will do everything possible to eliminate this threat or remove the “body” from the source of the threat.
In other words, you are alive now, which means there is no threat to your life. When you start moving towards yourself, a feeling of guilt is activated (for the majority). The brain sees this unpleasant feeling as a threat to life and stops movement. If you managed to cope with the feeling of guilt, then as soon as you open the door with prohibitions, your needs, desires, and external events begin to change. The brain begins to block change. Possible rollbacks. At this stage, many people retreat: “Like, I tried everything, nothing helps.” But there are tactics that allow you to “deceive” the brain so that it does not recognize the changes and does not begin to block them. I help people open the door to themselves, find integrity, cope with feelings and start living THEIR life.
Your psychologist, Larisa Artamonova
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How to fill your life with joy?
True pleasure is in everyday things
First of all, we want you to understand that pleasure is found in the simplest things.
Dig into your past and remember the moments when you were truly happy. You will see that these points will not be associated with the purchase of an iPhone or laptop. Perhaps you will remember how you celebrated your parents, helped them, or when you lie in an embrace with your man.
We can also be happy when we have been growing a flower for a long time and suddenly it blooms, or when we have been wanting to go to the dacha for a barbecue for a long time and it worked out.
What makes us happy is not something in the future that we have planned, what we must achieve, but the ability to be right here and now and enjoy it.
Happiness is in the ability to stop, in the ability to look around and understand that life is good.
Pleasure is closely related to the ability to limit oneself
This is a discovery like “In our lives, the more happiness there is, the less there is in reality.”
Let's imagine that you have a boyfriend and you are at a distance. You dream of finally meeting and petting and kissing. And when this happens, you rejoice. Finally you hug this person, you are happy.
Let's imagine another situation: a man has 1000 of the best women, they are all ready to do whatever he wants. Every day he can receive sex, kisses, hugs. He gets tired of it, it will no longer bring him joy.
This is why abstinence was so popular in religions. It taught the monks to value life more and to appreciate the simplest joys more.
Allow yourself time for holidays and pleasures
This is more suitable for people who live with problems all the time. They are always at work, solving some problems of their loved ones, children, parents, friends. They are constantly running somewhere.
Such people may realize that they have not experienced joy for a long time. And why? Because they don't take time for themselves. They don't have time to just lie down, think, do the things they love.
Pleasure also requires your concentration and time. That is, you need to free up a couple of hours a day, a week just for yourself, to enjoy who you are and what you are.
Don't wait for happiness - create it yourself
An active position when a person can create this happiness himself, and not just sit and wait for a miracle.
In all this, one can see the following attitude: “I will be passive, and someone will definitely appear around me and pick me up.”
Nothing in life works like that. Most often, to get pleasure, you need to work a little, try and create everything yourself to make this moment happen.
Take an active position, don’t expect someone to do everything for you, people don’t know how we live there, what your expectations are. Therefore, in order for your life to be full of happiness and joy, you must turn on yourself and make it so.
Enjoyment comes with experience
The next important nuance that also needs to be taken into account is that the ability to rejoice is largely related to our experience. That is, if you don’t understand something, you will never understand how to get joy from it.
The simplest example: when a young man first learns the delights of sex, he does not know at all how to please this girl, he does not know himself at all. When the first sex happens, he thinks that somehow it’s not so much what he imagined.
And another example, when he is already an experienced person, he has already had several girls in his life. He really knows how to get the maximum pleasure out of this process, he can stretch it out, he already knows all his sides and what will help the girl get pleasure.
Indeed, experience plays a very big role. If you want to feel real happiness, you need to look for teachers who will teach you how to derive joy from this, or you need to upgrade your experience yourself, perhaps gain some bumps, but at the same time develop this feeling in depth.
The things that make us happy are different for everyone
Fishing makes some people happy, while others see no joy in it. Or someone out there enjoys sports, he is ready to pump up every muscle, spend his whole life running, swimming, and you are simply suffocating.
Therefore, it is very important, when you listen to some lecturers, find teachers so that you coincide with them in values and interests. That is, it will be very stupid if you turn on some pretty girl on YouTube whose interests you do not understand, then if you follow her advice, it will not make you happy.
You don’t need to look up to others, explore yourself, look for what specifically will fill you with joy and a sense of meaning.
