Acceptance means paying calm and clear attention to both possibilities and limitations.
Acceptance is about recognizing what really is.Accepting someone means seeing them as a whole and responding to them as a whole, rather than reacting to individual impulses and identifications.
— from the book “Lyrical Philosophy of Psychotherapy” by Alexander Badkhen.
When we talk about acceptance, we seem to automatically turn to something that is unpleasant to us. This could be a problematic situation, dissatisfaction with oneself or others. Let's take a closer look at this phenomenon.
What is acceptance?
From a psychological point of view, acceptance is a person’s recognition of all aspects of reality as they are. This implies that he recognizes his body, temperament, character, fitness, health, abilities and limitations. In addition to the subject himself, acceptance may relate to the conditions of his life, relatives, friends and other people around him. Acceptance is the ability to see oneself or another accepted object as a whole, with all the “good” and “bad” sides.
Acceptance is the key to a high quality of life and mental health, so every person should strive for it. Essentially, it is about understanding that everything that has ever happened in your life is what you need. All these experiences gave you experience and forged your character, making you who you are today. This does not mean that you need to meekly resign yourself to every injustice and submit to circumstances. This means that you need to accept everything that has already happened and somehow influenced the circumstances of your life.
Acceptance implies a more conscious perception of life. Having acquired this valuable skill, a person literally gets rid of the blinders that hindered him, which were formed by imposed stereotypes. He gains the ability to think more clearly, see cause-and-effect relationships, understand the causes of various events, and predict the consequences of his own actions and decisions.
Why acceptance is a great opportunity for change
“A curious paradox arises - when I accept myself as I am, I change. I think this is what many clients' experiences, as well as my own, have taught me, and that is that we don't change until we unconditionally accept ourselves for who we really are. And then the change happens as if imperceptibly.”
- from Carl Rogers's book "Emerging Personality."
It must be emphasized here that acceptance in itself is already a change. The moment our perspective on a situation changes, new opportunities appear. This happens even before we can directly influence the problem situation.
What we end up with is that when I truly accept something, I have a choice. I can leave everything as it is (but this will no longer be a passive choice) or I can take conscious action regarding this situation.
What else to read about this:
- Alexander Badkhen. "Lyrical philosophy of psychotherapy"
- Gerald Adler. "Loneliness and borderline psychopathology: links to child development"
- Carl Rogers. "Becoming a Personality"
- Daniel P. Brown, David S. Elliott. "Adult Attachment Disorders: Treatment for Comprehensive Recovery"
- Ronald Fairbairn. "Psychoanalytic study of personality"
What types of acceptance are there?
It is human nature to create illusions and perceive the world through the prism of one’s beliefs and expectations. That's why most people are unhappy about something. They are not satisfied with their own social status, health, figure, temperament, character and other characteristics. Many people are not satisfied with the behavior of their loved ones. In addition, most people are dissatisfied with their financial situation and other circumstances in their lives. Accordingly, there are three types of acceptance aimed at these aspects.
Self acceptance
When explaining what acceptance is, they usually first of all talk about the ability to accept oneself. A person may be unhappy with their poor health, fitness or figure. Many people believe that all their problems are explained by a lack of willpower or weak character, they are angry with themselves, but they cannot do anything.
But by learning to accept yourself as you are, you can get rid of unnecessary worries, and then these problems will poison your life much less. Self-acceptance is acceptance of all your advantages and disadvantages, strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures, wise decisions and mistakes. A harmonious person should have all this, so there is no need to reproach and reject yourself because of your imperfections.
Acceptance of other people
It is difficult to find a person who would be satisfied with everything in the behavior of others. Most of us find it difficult to accept even close people, because we believe that some of their actions cause us pain. And even understanding that they are not doing this on purpose, we still expect that they will not do this.
This problem manifests itself most strongly in the relationship between parents and children. It starts when a small child gets offended by his mother if she doesn’t buy him something. He doesn’t understand the real reasons, so he believes that he is being deliberately denied such a desired purchase. Then he grows up, and it becomes difficult for his parents to accept his actions and decisions.
Accepting others begins with understanding that they have no intention of hurting you. They do what they want or think is right for themselves. And if their actions are unpleasant to you, most likely the problem is you. It is you who do not give them the freedom to act as they want, but expect that they will always meet your expectations in everything. Just stop blaming people for their choices and accept them for who they are.
Acceptance of circumstances
Our life does not always work out the way we would like it to. And many people refuse to accept this, complaining about injustice. At the same time, they do not notice that those who are “constantly lucky” actually put significant effort into this luck. Accepting circumstances means agreeing that certain things in our lives may not meet our expectations.
It is important to understand that circumstances that seem unfair to one would be very desirable to another. Therefore, one of the best ways to accept your circumstances is to keep a gratitude journal. Everyone has their own criteria for perception, and instead of complaining about injustice, you need to look for a way to improve your life, taking into account the available opportunities.
Where does acceptance come from?
“All problems come from childhood” is a common phrase, but it is directly related to our topic. Acceptance starts from early childhood.
In the first years of life, a child recognizes himself, reflecting the values of the adults who raise him (in psychology, this mechanism is called introjection). The feedback he receives is the basis for the formation of the human psyche. This reaction can be very different, and the child will absorb any one.
To better understand the role of acceptance in a child’s life, it is necessary to take a short digression. Let us turn to the theory of object relations - this is one of the main psychoanalytic formulas for personality development. According to this theory, there is a certain core that is formed in the child’s psyche depending on the information that he receives (introjects) from the adult raising him. If a child's emotional needs are ignored, this core will become saturated with rejection.
The baby will verbally or non-verbally catch the message - “you are not there”, “you are not important”.
Speaking about rejection, it is important to remember that the little person is absolutely helpless and completely dependent on those around him. For a child’s psyche, rejection is the worst thing that can happen.
It can even lead to death. Depending on the child’s internal capabilities, his rejection can be directed either at himself or at others.
In the first case, the child has the following thoughts: “All the problems are in me, I’m not good enough” and “I put the needs of other people above my own, I lack internal support.” Such experiences lead to severe discomfort and entail a tendency to self-harm (self-harm) and even suicide. In the second case, people become unapproachable and cold. This will certainly lead to difficulties in relationships with loved ones and complicate a person’s adaptation to the world around him.
Sometimes an adult encourages only positive aspects in a child’s behavior: he ate the whole plate of porridge, brought an A from school, and does not upset the mother. And everyone else is ignored or condemned. The child’s psyche, like a sponge, absorbs these experiences: he begins to think that he exists only in those moments when he is successful.
He reads the verbal-non-verbal message: “You exist, but only partially; You have to be good to deserve attention and love.” But in reality, there are other aspects of personality that remain invisible. At first they are ignored by adults, and subsequently by the person himself.
An analogy can be drawn with how we post selfies on Instagram, trying to demonstrate ourselves from the most advantageous angle. We begin to feel that other aspects of our personality are unattractive and unworthy of attention.
American psychoanalyst Gerald Adler writes about introjective deficiency: this is a situation in which adults deprive the child of emotional support. As a result, he becomes vulnerable, he lacks internal reserve. He becomes strongly dependent on his parents, although with normal development the child strives for independence (“I myself!”).
One of the founders of the theory of object relations, British psychoanalyst Ronald Fairbairn, notes that children in this case are left without internal reserves that could support them in independent life: “They were forced to stay close to their power sources - like a driver who has no gas left. running out, he heads for the gas station.”
There is also a third “undesirable” scenario: if the parent praises the child and encourages any of his actions or whims. In this case, a spoiled child grows up, with a “crown on his head.”
A verbal-non-verbal message that a child reads from adults: “You are the best, you are the king of this world,” “Only you are important, and others are not important.” This “crown” will greatly interfere with relationships with loved ones in the future.
We have all met characters who seek to subjugate and humiliate those around them. Communication with them causes extremely unpleasant emotions. But there is also a downside. If some event shakes the self-esteem of such a person, it will greatly hurt him. After all, life did not prepare him for this.
It is important to note that in the process of growth and development, two directly opposite vectors coexist inside the child. On the one hand, there is a desire for merging, on the other, for separation and independence. Let's give a simple example: at the moment when the baby is in the mother's belly, a situation of complete fusion occurs. He is in the safest environment imaginable. And normally, all the needs of a little person are satisfied automatically.
With the successful development of events, with age a person begins to adhere to a certain golden mean. This position can be formulated as follows: “I am an individual person, with my own desires and needs, and there are also other people who have their own desires and needs. I interact with others equally, without ignoring them or relying on them excessively.” We generalize, but the essence does not change.
If a child receives inadequate feedback in childhood, a bias occurs: either towards fusion or towards absolute autonomy. In the first case, a person wants intimacy, a desire arises to “merge” with everyone around him. In the second, a person thinks that he is completely independent, and those around him do not seem to exist.
Why is it so important to be able to accept?
By refusing to accept oneself, the behavior of loved ones, or certain circumstances, a person is in a state of permanent internal conflict. Resistance to acceptance wastes a lot of energy, as he constantly spins unpleasant thoughts in his head, worrying again and again about perceived injustice. By this, he destroys himself not only on the psycho-emotional level, but also on the physical level (due to psychosomatic processes).
It is also important to understand that non-acceptance does not reduce the likelihood of new unpleasant situations and disappointments. Everyone has them anyway. But those who know how to accept are the easiest to deal with them. And the events themselves are not as important as the reaction to them. A person who refuses to accept is not able to live in harmony with himself. Those who calmly accept them gain much more control over their life and can calmly move on.
“We must gratefully accept...”
What can be done to prevent this from happening? It would seem that the answer is obvious - to accept everything that comes into our lives, everything that the Universe gives in response to our requests. Essentially yes, this is correct. But the trick is how to do this in real life. It is no secret that often our mood and state are very far from the state of calm awareness. And then we are quickly taken over by our usual reflexes, that is, first get upset, scold the situation, become sad (this can take a lot of time), and only then (if we remember!) try to apply the method of consciously accepting the situation, when we thank the Universe for everything no matter what happens to us.
I know very well how difficult it is to switch to a state of acceptance when things are not going exactly the way you want. But there is one very useful skill, having mastered which it will become much easier for you not only to enter a state of acceptance, but also to live in the world in general! But we will talk about this in the next article.
Your Ekaterina
