Feelings of guilt for the death of a loved one. How to stop blaming yourself?

Photo from answers.com The death of a loved one is associated not only with a feeling of grief, but also with the experience of guilt.

When a loved one passes away, it seems that you are to blame: you are tired of the difficult care and painful last days, you didn’t give something, you didn’t take him to another hospital, you didn’t buy another medicine, you stayed alive when he died.

Why does it occur and how justified? Answered by psychologist, director of the Christian psychological service “Candle”, Doctor of Biological Sciences Alexandra Imasheva .

Feelings of guilt for the death of a loved one. How to stop blaming yourself?

2021-06-04

The content of the article:

What is guilt Why do I feel guilty after the death of a loved one How to admit my mistakes How to correct mistakes in front of a person who is no longer around False or imposed guilt Create a Memories Diary or get a free consultation

Any person who has buried a relative, in addition to intense grief and pain of loss, also experiences a feeling of guilt for the death of a loved one. The first thing that comes to mind is that it’s my fault, I didn’t deliver enough, didn’t look after it, didn’t have time, upset me, insulted me, etc.

If trouble happened recently, this is a natural reaction. And if the feeling of guilt, accompanied by painful experiences, gnaws for a long time, it is important to know how to get rid of it.

Help from specialists

If you have an obsessive feeling of guilt, you should consult a psychologist. The standard period for mourning is up to 1 year. But it is impossible to accurately determine the length of time when the pain will subside. If a person feels unwell, it is better not to hesitate and make an appointment with a specialist.

When a bereaved person needs psychological help:

Prolonged depression, attempts to commit suicide;
Problems sleeping, frequent nightmares;
Poor performance, reluctance to interact with society;
Decreased immunity, exacerbation of chronic diseases;
Nervous breakdown, observation of symptoms of psychological illnesses;
Migraine, epilepsy, seizures, tremor;
Taking alcohol and drugs (futile attempts to escape reality);
The occurrence of phobias, unreasonable fears, panic attacks.

If these signs are not eliminated in time, this can lead to serious problems. In some cases, a one-time consultation with a specialist is sufficient, while in others, serious long-term work and medication are required.

What is wine

Guilt, firstly, is a feeling that hits a person with great force after a loss has befallen him. Essentially, this is remorse due to a certain act, which seems to him to be the cause of bad consequences for the deceased and for other people.

Secondly, this is a pattern of behavior that we recognize as wrong, but despite this, we allow it again and again.

Finally, thirdly, guilt is also an admission of one’s mistakes. Let's take the word "apology." It comes from the word “wine”. A person begins to look at everything that he lived with the deceased with different eyes. And he admits that he did a lot of things wrong, so guilt gnaws at his soul.

What can be done?

Admit your mistakes first on an internal level, to yourself, and begin to correct yourself. It is also useful to admit mistakes to someone. That's why people go to church and apologize publicly. After all, it’s one thing when you yourself accepted the guilt, another thing when someone heard it.

How to help your father and husband cope with loss

If your mother has died, it is important to try to support other family members. A man may react differently to painful situations. Believe me, dad usually grieves no less than the children. But the reaction to pain is different; in most cases, there is a desire to retire. Your father may grieve and feel acutely about your mother’s death for 3-5 months, then it becomes easier. At this time, it is necessary to provide him with silent support.

You shouldn't try to entertain your father, but you shouldn't leave him alone either. It is important to be close, but to be understanding of his detachment. If he has a desire to talk, to remember his mother together, there is no need to ignore him. You need to behave the same way if your husband has lost his mother.

But silent support should not exclude the possibility of distracting the grieving person: you need to invite him to go outside and do something together.

Outside help has many sides:

the grieving person must be limited from unnecessary communication (idle, useless);
a person who is experiencing loss should not be left alone;
The feelings of the grieving person should not be devalued, the desires must be respected, and you can distract your loved one when he feels that he is ready, you cannot put pressure on him or do something against his will.

Why do I feel guilty after the death of a loved one?

Where does this feeling come from, which can sometimes drive anyone to despair? It will not bypass anyone. After all, we don’t always call and check on our loved ones, we don’t often confess our love and good feelings to them, we don’t do what the deceased expected from us during their lifetime, etc.

Therefore, in different situations we begin to blame ourselves in different ways:

the mother
reproaches herself because she did not protect her child, and now he is gone, but she lives;
the child
grieves that he was rude to the parent, did not pay attention, did not come to visit, did not fulfill requests, upset him;
spouses
reproach themselves because they were not attentive, were rude, cheated, or soon after the death of their husband or wife found their other half;
the family of the suicide
cannot forgive themselves for not noticing his strange behavior, not paying attention to his suffering and not helping when he so needed support;
The relatives of a loved one with an incurable disease
also blame themselves greatly, because they were reluctant to look after him, were irritated by his requests, tried to evade this responsibility and felt relief after the sufferer left.

But there are other situations when we feel guilty after the death of a loved one. Including when:

We give harmful advice, for example, suggesting abortion, unnecessary surgery, committing harmful acts and crimes, advising divorce;
we fire an employee who has nothing to support his family;
we scold a subordinate, after which he could not survive a heart attack;
we condemn someone, we reproach them publicly, without monitoring our rhetoric;
We do not give loans for treatment, accommodation or other needs.

A person can also experience a strong emotional crisis and mental breakdown because he was not with his loved one in the last minutes of his life, did not call a priest for confession, was greedy in giving him money for treatment, and so on.

"Compromises (self-torture)" and "Depression"

The third stage is a time of contradictions and unjustified hopes, deep soul-searching and even greater isolation from society. For different people, this period proceeds differently - someone turns to religion, trying to negotiate with God about the return of a loved one, someone punishes themselves with a feeling of guilt, scrolling through their heads scenarios of what could have been, but never happened .

The following signs indicate the onset of the third stage of grief:

frequent thoughts about Higher powers, Divine guidance (among esotericists - about fate and karma);
visiting houses of worship, temples, and other energetically strong places;
a state of half-asleep-half-awake - a person keeps getting caught up in memories, replaying scenes of both fictional and real nature from the past in his head;
often the prevailing feeling is one’s own guilt towards the deceased (“mom died, but I don’t cry”, “I didn’t love her enough”).

During this period, if it drags on, there is a high risk of losing most of your friendly and family ties. It is difficult for people to observe the semi-mystical picture of this mixture of repentance with almost enthusiasm, and they gradually begin to move away.

From a psychological point of view, the fourth stage is the most difficult. Bitterness, hope, anger and resentment - all the feelings that have previously kept a person “in good shape” go away, leaving only emptiness and a deep understanding of one’s grief. During depression, a person is visited by philosophical thoughts about life and death, the sleep schedule is disrupted, and the feeling of hunger is lost (the mourner refuses to eat or eats in excessive portions). Signs of mental and physical decline are clearly expressed.

How to admit your mistakes

Many people believe that guilt, like pain, will subside over time. And they prefer to live with her until the end of their days. No, it won't subside. Remorse will only flare up with even greater force. Until understanding and acceptance of some important points comes.

First, we must accept the fact of death. After all, we will all leave, but life will continue after us. That is, it is important to cope with all periods of loss and grief.

To do this, live through the situation - say goodbye to the deceased, bury him with dignity and, without focusing on grief, let go (you can’t bring back the past), start living your old life, proving your love for your loved one with your actions

You need to analyze your mistakes, and they happen to everyone. Having understood them internally, at the first level, having realized, admitted: yes, this is true, my behavior in that situation was not correct. And this is the right step.

It’s good to share your confessions with someone who won’t judge and start spreading them left and right. This is an admission of error at the second level.

You can visit a psychologist. A good specialist, having figured it out, will quickly begin to help get rid of the obsessive thoughts that haunt a person.

It also happens that it takes 2-4 sessions to answer the question “how not to blame yourself for the death of a loved one.” Sometimes even regular correspondence on Skype or another messenger is enough.

Believers go to church. And not just to light candles or order the demand. At such moments, communication with a priest is very saving. This could be a confidential conversation with him or a confession. It is enough to tell very honestly about what worries you, what is wrong in your soul and what was done wrong during the life of the deceased

Home prayer helps a lot, asking God to grant you the ability to see your mistake and admit your guilt.

Advice for others who are experiencing loss

People close to the grieving woman should be especially attentive and sensitive. They are required to have patience, perseverance, and participation.

Physiological reactions of the body and responses from the psyche

It is necessary to take a closer look at the widow’s reactions and behavior. Your presence nearby should be unobtrusive and tactful.

Be ready to listen to a woman at any moment and support her with a kind word.

Apathy

If the wife of the deceased has been in an apathetic state for a long time, you need to gently persuade her to visit a specialist. Invite her to go to the reception together.

Do not allow a woman in a state of apathy to drink every day; try to distract her in every possible way.

Appetite disturbance

Lack of appetite for a long time may indicate the onset of depression. Try to gently persuade the woman to eat, offer to go to a cafe or cook her favorite dish.

The opposite situation may occur when the widow overindulges in food - this is a manifestation of extreme stress. Try to find another distraction for the woman.

Dizziness, tachycardia, microinfarctions, seizures

These reactions are typical for the first hours after the sad news. If the attacks do not go away over time, seeing a doctor is vital.

Unusual reactions

If a woman has an unstable psycho-emotional background, atypical reactions to bitter news may be observed: hysterical laughter, a desire to destroy everything around, or icy calm, followed by attacks of rage.

Be discreetly nearby

Presence should not be intrusive. You should be there when a woman needs it, without putting pressure on her. It is important to understand and feel when it is better to leave a widow alone, and when not to leave a single step.

Help when a woman asks for it, clarify whether she needs you, do not impose your help when there is no need.

How to correct mistakes in front of a person who is no longer around

Why do they feel guilty? Because they don't admit their mistakes. Or they admit them, but extinguish the gnawing feeling of guilt (by the way, it is necessary, because we learn through it) and do not correct themselves.

It is important not only to admit mistakes, but also to begin to correct them

What if he admitted it, but our loved one is no longer with us and there is no one to apologize to? You can say words of apology to the deceased for the mistakes made towards him. Do this mentally, as if communicating with him. But this is optional.

And then eradicate them in yourself and not allow this to happen to others.

Finally, there are other people around you. And you may be making the same mistakes with them. Acknowledge them. Apologize. Stop doing them.

That is, the formula looks something like this. Guilt and guilt after the death of a loved one is an unacknowledged mistake. An apology and correction following the admission of mistakes is the best thing that can happen for the soul of a living person and a deceased one.

The path to a new life. Attitudes towards death in different cultures

Mourning for the deceased should not last a lifetime. Only frankly stupid people can judge a woman who decides to start over and start a new family.

Our attitude towards death is determined by culture. Many beliefs perceive life as cyclical, the future goes hand in hand with the past, death is just one of the stages.

The religions of the East - Buddhism, Jainism, Hinduism - are built on the idea of reincarnation, the transmigration of souls. According to reincarnation, we live several earthly lives, each life is an experience and test, the passage of which determines the subsequent fate of a person.

Christianity and Islam are built on the concept of a straight path - from birth to the highest judgment, which inevitably awaits everyone at the end. Here it is customary to pray for the deceased, visit cemeteries, and commemorate people on the day of death.

Almost all religions agree on one thing - suffering for the deceased can become his “anchor”; they prevent the soul from moving on.

What if there is no feeling of guilt, but you are blamed? False or imposed guilt

Could it be that I don’t feel guilty, but everyone around me claims that I do?

Alas, people can impose their mistakes on a person. But that's not his problem. Or the deceased loved one could be blamed for something. But this is false, and not about you.

The living can falsely accuse themselves. Like, I didn’t have time, otherwise he wouldn’t have died, I screamed yesterday and didn’t apologize, didn’t call, but he needed me.

There are many such reasons to blame yourself. But there is no point in blaming yourself for the death of an elderly parent - everyone, and not just mom and dad or grandparents, die.

Therefore, if there is no feeling of guilt inside, i.e. remorse means there is none. But try to impose it on yourself, torment yourself endlessly? Don't blame yourself. It is not worth it.

Kaisar Dauletbek

This summer, my close friend, with whom we grew up, passed away.

She died suddenly. Doctors said it was lupus. When trying to determine the cause, one of the possible factors was a sudden change in climate. Two years ago they moved to Spain. When a person who cyclically exposes himself to forty-degree frosts moves into daily twenty-degree heat, this affects his health.

She was often taken to doctors; she always had health problems. Everyone is used to it, and so is she. But the doctors said that it was lupus only after she died.

Lately we have stopped communicating closely, and I scold myself for it. When she was admitted to the hospital, I didn't think about the seriousness of the whole situation. I thought maybe it was another check.

When her organs began to fail on the third day, I realized that I had to go to the hospital and at least find out how her parents were doing. Her dad was always looking for the necessary medicine. Over the course of two days, he flew to Moscow several times: the medications were always not suitable.

On the fifth day, my mother called me and said that Tomiris had died. This is the kind of knockdown after which you need time to understand what’s going on.

When you learn about the death of a loved one, you don’t have time to think about anything. You just feel empty. And tears are a reaction that allows you to fill that very emptiness. I was raised in a family where it was unusual for men to show tears. But you are crying and there is no way to stop it. The most comfortable solution for me is to go somewhere and sit in isolation. I think that most people raised like me, which is the majority of men in Kazakhstan, need isolation. You need to think, collect your thoughts, and only then can you discuss the situation with someone.

It’s hard when you realize what’s happening, when you realize that this person is no longer there. It’s hard to see parents who have lost a child: I looked into their eyes, and they looked through me.

I didn't say a word to them, not even once. I just couldn't. He gave napkins and brought some medicine, but didn’t say a word. I think just being there at that moment means a lot.

The worst thing you can say to a person experiencing grief is: “If anything happens, get in touch.” The best thing you can do is to give him some thoughts.

We are distracted from our emotions when we start thinking about something. If, let’s say, I’m sitting and crying, then it would make me feel better if I asked: “What were your best memories? What made this man different from the rest? It's something that can make you think, rack your brain, remember something. While your brain is doing this, it will not be able to give meaning to emotions.

I sometimes remember Tomiris. I remember what a wonderful person she was, but I don’t think about her death. I have a picture hanging in my dorm that she painted. Every day I wake up and look at this picture - now it is part of my routine, I do not attach much importance to death.

Instead of a resume

Someday each of us will go into Eternity. So that those living do not suffer from feelings of guilt and understatement, as if tangled in one ball, they do not need to engage in self-flagellation and self-criticism.

First, it is important to accept the fact of death; second, admit mistakes and correct them; third, stop blaming yourself, continue to live, proving your love for the deceased with good deeds and deeds.

If there is a feeling of guilt, justified or not? Choose any of the options described above. After all, the dead don't need anything. (And certainly – our groans due to imaginary or not imaginary guilt.) In addition to our good memory and constant prayers for their repose...

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